The Office 3x17

Directed by J.J. Abrams

Rashida Jones as Karen Filippelli • Jean Villepique as Rachel Wallace • Dan Cole as Dan Gore • Michael Patrick McGill as Kenny Anderson • David Denman as Roy Anderson • Melora Hardin as Jan Levinson • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor

Michael was excited to be attending a party at his CFO's house. He carpooled with Dwight and was also looking forward to meeting Jan at the party. Jan wanted to spend a night alone with Michael, but he thought it was important to come out as a couple to all of their co-workers.

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1. Hey, Kevin. Nice of you to join us. Where were you?

2. My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.

3. I almost died. I went into this skid... Pop quiz.

4. What? Why is today a special day?

5. I almost died. Today is a special day

6. because I am being honored

7. as a visiting professor.

8. Special lecturer?

9. Emeritus, how did you put it?

10. You will be a guest speaker in my Emerging Enterprises class.

11. In business school, Kevin.

12. Business school. Wow.

13. If you bring your boss to class,

14. it automatically bumps you up a full-letter grade.

15. So,

16. I'd be stupid not to do it, right?

17. A boss is like a teacher.

18. And I am like the cool teacher.

19. Like Mr. Handell.

20. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes.

21. And he actually hooked up with one of the students,

22. and then, like, 12 other kids came forward.

23. It was in all the papers.

24. Really ruined eighth grade for us.

25. Here we go. College road show. Gotta bring our A game.

26. What is the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?

27. "Don't be an idiot." Changed my life.

28. Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?"

29. And if they would, I do not do that thing.

30. Will they throw their hats, you think? What?

31. A lot of times, at a school or naval academy,

32. after a rousing speech the crowd will throw its hats high into the air.

33. You understand, nobody's graduating. Yeah, I know. I know.

34. I'm just saying, if they did throw their hats, I've got a great line for that.

35. May your hats fly as high your dreams!

36. That was a pretty good line. I'm just...

37. It doesn't apply. I understand! Wow! Relax, spazzy boy!

38. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! God, I'm driving!

39. Hey! Quit it.

40. We have fun!

41. I can't wait for your art show tonight.

42. Okay, just so you know,

43. it's just the students from my class in a little studio.

44. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Thanks.

45. I'm really happy to be back with Roy.

46. I think it shows maturity, maturity and dignity.

47. Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.

48. Love you! You, too.

49. Pam's with Roy, I'm with Karen,

50. and Brangelina is with Frangelina. Moving on!

51. I can't believe you're back together with Roy.

52. Oh, yeah. We have such a solid foundation, you know.

53. Oh, my God, you're so in love now.

54. Yeah. You should come to my art show, by the way.

55. Art show!

56. I mean, it's not a big deal,

57. but I think a lot of people from the office are gonna be there.

58. Yeah. Definitely, I'll be there. For sure.

59. Campus. Brings back so many memories that I would have made.

60. Hey, Frisbee! Check that out!

61. What do you say we get our frizz on before class? Come on.

62. Yeah!

63. Dude!

64. Oh, my God.

65. Animal stool.

66. Dwight, what are you doing?

67. Solving a mystery, if that's quite all right with you!

68. Come to papa!

69. Okay, ladies and gentlemen.

70. What we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent.

71. Fortunately, I have found it before...

72. (SCREAMING) Bat! Get it out!

73. Bat! Bat! Oh, my God!

74. Bat! What do you mean...

75. No, I won't remain calm!

76. There it goes! Goodbye.

77. God, this is Angela Martin.

78. Please don't let that stupid thing come anywhere near me.

79. Please make it go away!

80. Okay. This is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.

81. Dunder Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains,

82. and management is unwilling or unable to adapt.

83. Their customers are dying off...

84. I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.

85. We have a bat in the office.

86. Simple solution would be to open a window,

87. if we had windows that could open.

88. Poop is raining from the ceilings.

89. Poop.

90. Okay, thanks.

91. Animal Control will be here at 6:00.

92. At 6:00? No, that is unacceptable.

93. Okay, Jim. You are the number two in this office.

94. You need to step up and show some leadership!

95. I'm sorry, what'd you say?

96. So weird. What? What's so weird?

97. The bat... I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look, there's no mark.

98. I feel so tingly,

99. so strangely powerful.

100. Oh, well.

101. And now, without further ado,

102. I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.

103. Hello, everyone, I am Michael Scott...

104. Hello, I'm Brandon Fidalgo, CEO of The Teaching Company. These...

105. And I'd like to start today by inspiring you.

106. May I borrow someone's textbook, please?

107. Thank you.

108. What have we here? Ooh, economics. Very, very interesting.

109. You cannot learn from books.

110. Replace these pages with life lessons,

111. and then you will have a book

112. that is worth its weight in gold.

113. I know, those are expensive, but the lesson is priceless.

114. Good.

115. All right, I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed?

116. There are four kinds of business,

117. tourism, food service, railroads and sales.

118. And hospitalslmanufacturing.

119. And air travel.

120. This is your job, Halpert.

121. Ow!

122. What happened?

123. That bread on your desk. I just picked it up. It's white hot.

124. But, Jim, this garlic bread is cold. What?

125. No, it burned me, I...

126. Bizarre.

127. No.

128. No. One crisis at a time.

129. If a vampire bat was in the U.S.

130. It would make sense for it to come to a "Sylvania," like Pennsylvania.

131. Now, that doesn't mean that Jim is gonna become a vampire.

132. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

133. So, you want to start a business. How do you start?

134. What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building.

135. And secondly, you need supply, you need something to sell.

136. Now, this could be anything.

137. It could be a thingamajig or a who's- he-what's- he

138. or a Whatchamacallit.

139. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay.

140. And if you sell enough of them,

141. you will make a 100 GRAND.

142. Satisfied?

143. This looks great. I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight.

144. Damn it!

145. You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.

146. So... Oh, no, you should go.

147. Well, it's important to support local art.

148. You know? And what they do is not art.

149. Okay, I'm seeing some confused faces out there.

150. Let me slow down a little bit, break this down.

151. Okay.

152. The more stickers you sell, the more profit,

153. fancy word for money,

154. you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies...

155. Michael... and products!

156. What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.

157. Well, okay... I'm just kind of getting going...

158. Yeah, I know. All right, okay.

159. Well, we can do questions. Okay, very good. First hand up.

160. Sir, as a company that primarily distributes paper,

161. how have you adapted your business model to function

162. in an increasingly paperless world?

163. We can't overestimate the value of computers.

164. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny e-mails,

165. but real business is done on paper, okay?

166. Write that down.

167. Hey, Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.

168. Oh, thank God. I've such a headache from that glare.

169. What glare?

170. The glare off Angela's crucifix. It's blinding.

171. I don't have a lot of experience with vampires,

172. but I have hunted werewolves.

173. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

174. Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions.

175. Will you form an allegiance... Sure.

176. to use sudden violence? Okay.

177. Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?

178. What size?

179. What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you

180. for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?

181. I say, "You will miss our service

182. "and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back."

183. Has anyone ever come back?

184. We don't want them back. They're stupid.

185. How far has your Herfindahl Index declined since the merger?

186. Nice try. How's your Polack-says-what Index?

187. What? Thanks, Kowalski.

188. Can we get back on track here?

189. By your own employee's calculation,

190. you'll be obsolete in the next five to ten years.

191. Wait. Ryan said that?

192. What are you doing?

193. You better not hurt that little bat. Animals can't feel pain.

194. Don't hurt that bat, Creed!

195. It's a living thing with feelings and a family!

196. Flush him towards the door. On my go! Now!

197. Bat! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!

198. I am a hero.

199. Yeah, sure. You know business.

200. Sitting up here in your ivory tower and your ebony tower.

201. Well, you know what?

202. I tell you one thing, Dunder Mifflin is here to stay!

203. But how can you compete against a company

204. with the resources of a nationwide chain?

205. David will always beat Goliath!

206. But there's five Goliaths.

207. There's Staples, OfficeMax... Yeah, yeah.

208. You know what else is facing five Goliaths?

209. America. Al-Qaeda.

210. Global warming. Sex predators.

211. Mercury poisoning.

212. So do we just give up?

213. Is that what we're learning in business school?

214. But in the big picture, you have... Dunder Mifflin is the big picture!

215. Can't you understand that? No, you can't, you're too young.

216. Ryan has never made a sale.

217. And he started a fire, trying to make a cheesy pita.

218. And everybody thinks he's a tease. Well, you know what?

219. He doesn't know anything and neither do you.

220. So, suck on that!

221. It wasn't personal. Business is always personal.

222. It's the most personal thing in the world.

223. When we get back to the office, pack your things.

224. Pack my... You heard me. Pack your things.

225. I really want to come out! Good night, Mary Beth!

226. So, you're cool to just wait here for Animal Control?

227. Animal Control?

228. I've been controlling animals since I was six.

229. Cool. Okay.

230. I'm gonna go home and lie down, draw the shades.

231. There's just so much sun in here.

232. Bye, Dwight.

233. Goodbye, Jim.

234. And good luck.

235. Jim is on a path now,

236. an eternal journey, and I wish him well.

237. But I have a destiny in this realm.

238. Specifically, in the kitchen.

239. And it's all from the same series.

240. Called Impressions.

241. Not that I would call myself an impressionist per se.

242. But maybe one day. I hope so.

243. I still need, you know, my breakthrough or whatever.

244. Hey, babe. Hey!

245. How are you? Good.

246. I brought my brother. Hey, Kenny.

247. Hey, Pam. Hey.

248. How about this, huh?

249. I show up with my brother and no one from work is here.

250. That's pretty cool, huh?

251. Magic time.

252. My hair!

253. Get off! Get off me!

254. Get it off me! Get off me! Hold still, woman!

255. Get it off! I got it! I got it!

256. Get it off!

257. You're welcome.

258. It's cool if I go, right? I mean, I looked at all of them.

259. Yeah. I'll just... I'll drive myself home.

260. To my place?

261. Maybe. I'm a little tired.

262. Your art was the prettiest art of all the art.

263. Thank you.

264. Look, I'm sorry, okay?

265. I was just trying to do my presentation.

266. And, of course I was wrong

267. to suggest that Dunder Mifflin might ever go out of business.

268. But you don't have to fire me.

269. Fire you? No, no, no.

270. You are moving to the annex.

271. To the annex?

272. Where Kelly is?

273. A good manager doesn't fire people. He hires people and inspires people.

274. People, Ryan.

275. And people will never go out of business.

276. You're the one who said we needed more culture.

277. This is culture to you? It's her first try.

278. Yeah. On Van Gogh's first try, he drew the hands of the peasants.

279. Meaning what?

280. Meaning real art takes courage, okay, and honesty.

281. Well, those aren't Pam's strong points. Yeah, exactly. That's why this is motel art.

282. Thanks for coming.

283. Pamcasso!

284. Sorry I'm late. I had to race across town. Oh, Michael.

285. Wow!

286. You did these? Freehand? Yep.

287. My God, these could be tracings.

288. Look at this one. Wow!

289. You nailed it.

290. How much?

291. What do you mean? I don't see a price.

292. You want to buy it? Well, yeah.

293. Yeah, we have to have it for the office.

294. I mean, there's my window.

295. And there's my car!

296. Is that your car?

297. That is our building.

298. And we sell paper.

299. I am really proud of you.

300. Thank you.

301. What?

302. Do you have something in your pocket?

303. A Chunky.

304. Do you want half? No, thank you.

305. Okay.

306. It is a message.

307. It is an inspiration. It is a source of beauty.

308. And without paper, it could not have happened.

309. Unless you had a camera.

310. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

311. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

312. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's only temporary, okay?

313. Don't get excited. I won't. I won't. I won't.

314. I won't. I won't! I won't!

315. I won't! I won't! I won't! I won't! I won't!