The Office 2x16

Directed by Greg Daniels

Conan O'Brien as Self • Craig Anton as Craig • Charles Esten as Josh Porter • Lee Eisenberg as Gino • Dan Cole as Dan Gore • David Denman as Roy Anderson • Melora Hardin as Jan Levinson • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer

The Dunder-Mifflin staffers join in kindergarten-like festivities for Valentine's Day while Michael heads to New York City for a conference with the corporate heads. After showing the documenters a tour of his favorite city, Michael accidentally lets slip to the others at the conference that he and Jan hooked up, and he finds himself in hot water when Jan and the new CFO of Dunder-Mifflin hear the story. Back in Scranton, Pam becomes irked when she discovers that Roy hasn't gotten her anything for Valentine's Day, Dwight struggles to find a gift for Angela, and Kelley talks off Jim's ear about her rather desperate affections for Ryan, who is less than interested.

Request examples:

!req The Office 2x16 [02:32]
!req The Office 2x16 [The Office 2x16]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req The Office 2x16 [10-11]; !req The Office 2x16 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. I really like Valentine's Day in this office.

2. It's kind of like grade school.

3. Everybody gives out little presents and stuff.

4. Like, last year, Jim gave me this card with Dwight's head on it.

5. It was horrifying and funny and...

6. Phyllis.

7. You could just sign here.

8. Roy and I are saving for the wedding.

9. So I made him promise not to get me anything too big.

10. "Happy Valentine's Day, darling. Love, Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration."

11. Isn't he sweet? Oh, yeah.

12. Wow.

13. All right, Dwight, as you know I'm heading to New York today,

14. doing a presentation on the branch to the new CFO.

15. And you want me to come with you. No. The opposite of that.

16. I will stay here and run things on this end. Very good.

17. Will you be seeing Jan when you're in New York?

18. I probably will. Why do you ask?

19. Well, it's Valentine's Day. And you guys, you know...

20. Well. screwed.

21. What is your problem?

22. This is a business trip. I would have to be a raving lunatic

23. to try to talk to Jan about what happened between us.

24. Her words, not mine. She sent me an e-mail this morning.

25. But it is Valentine's Day.

26. It's New York. The City of Love.

27. Hey, Pam. You heart NY, right? You want me to pick you up anything?

28. That's okay. All right.

29. The best present would be, you do a good job in front of the new CFO.

30. Dude. I'm going to nail it.

31. Me in New York? Oh, I own that city. "Forget about it!"

32. See you.

33. Well, here we go, on our way to New York.

34. New York, New York.

35. The city so nice, they named it twice.

36. Manhattan is the other name.

37. So, I broke up with Katy and I haven't been dating anybody else.

38. So, this year I don't have to worry about Valentine's Day.

39. It's going to be good. I invited a couple of friends over.

40. We're gonna play some cards and I'll end up winning a lot of money,

41. because they're idiots.

42. It's gonna be great.

43. What's this? What is this?

44. I don't know. It's on your desk.

45. Yeah, but who put it here? And for what purpose?

46. It was there when I sat down.

47. "Happy Valentine's Day."

48. It's me.

49. I'm the Bobble Head.

50. Yes!

51. The meeting isn't till 3:00.

52. But I always like to come to New York a little bit early,

53. and hit some of my favorite haunts.

54. Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint.

55. And I'm going to go get me a New York slice.

56. Hey, Kelly, what's up? Nothing.

57. Oh! Except... Oh, my God, Jim.

58. Last night, Ryan and I totally, finally hooked up.

59. It was awesome. That's great. I'm really happy for you.

60. I know, and it was so funny. "Cause we were at this bar with his friends,

61. and I was sitting next to him the whole night,

62. and he wasn't making a move. So in my head I was like,

63. "Ryan, what's taking you so long?" And then he kissed me.

64. And I didn't know what to say. Wow.

65. So I said, " Ryan, what took you so long?"

66. I mean, I just said it to him. Can you believe that?

67. Wow. Oh, my God, Jim, is that embarrassing?

68. I'm embarrassed. No. Don't be.

69. Oh, thank God, because I was nervous, Jim. No. All right...

70. You will not believe I was so nervous. I bet.

71. But now... Now I have a boyfriend. All right.

72. I hooked up with her on February 13th.

73. Here it is. The heart of New York City, Times Square.

74. Named for the good times you have when you're in it.

75. Most people, when they come to New York,

76. they go straight to the Empire State Building.

77. That's pretty touristy. I come here.

78. Great places to eat.

79. We have Bubba Gump shrimp, Red Lobster down there.

80. You know...

81. This is the heart of civilization, right here.

82. Guess what. Really?

83. It's from Bob, again. That's great.

84. Everybody takes the subway in New York.

85. It's fast. It's efficient. Gets you there on time.

86. It's a way to... Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.

87. This is the world-famous Rockefeller Center,

88. founded, of course, by Theodore Rockefeller.

89. This is the skating rink.

90. And I think the Rangers practice there sometimes.

91. And it's...

92. That's Tina Fey.

93. That's Tina Fey from Saturday Night Live.

94. Hello. Hello. Hi.

95. Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

96. I thought you were... Okay. I thought that was...

97. She looked like... She looked a lot like Tina Fey.

98. Hello, hello.

99. I thought that was Tina Fey, but it wasn't. So...

100. Are you serious? He was here?

101. When? When I was talking to the fake Tina Fey?

102. Come on! Are you serious?

103. Hello, Angela, did you hear?

104. Somebody totally rocked the house and got me the best present I've ever gotten.

105. Really? I wouldn't know anything about that.

106. But I'm glad you enjoyed it. Oh, I did. I did.

107. I didn't get anything for Valentine's Day.

108. Oh, I bet you will, before the day is over.

109. Really? Well, I hope I do.

110. I would love to live in New York someday. It's a big dream of mine.

111. Work at Corporate with Jan. That would be awesome.

112. Go to Broadway shows, eat hot dogs.

113. Scranton is great, but...

114. New York is like Scranton on acid.

115. No, on speed. No, on steroids.

116. Okay, um...

117. I think,

118. that's either the Hudson or the East, so we're back...

119. Should be back this way.

120. There's a lot of pressure on me right now.

121. It's like Michael Jordan in the NBA finals,

122. or like Stormin' Norman Schwarzkopf.

123. And this presentation is Desert Storm.

124. And as soon as it's over,

125. we will not have to deal with those Iraqis anymore.

126. Let's do it.

127. No, that's all right. Spend money on her instead of giving it to us, that's fine.

128. No. I didn't even have a seat for you anyway.

129. Yeah.

130. All right, man.

131. Okay, have a good night. Bye.

132. Phyllis Lapin? Holy God.

133. It's from Bob.

134. Man, that thing's bigger than I am. No, it's not.

135. Oh, zip it. Wow.

136. There they are. What's up?

137. Hey, hey.

138. Michael Scott. Josh Porter. High five.

139. Bam. All right.

140. You know Dan Gore, from Buffalo? Yeah, how you doing?

141. Nobody needs to introduce this guy. Craiggers.

142. What's up, buddy? You have been kicked out

143. of every strip club in Albany, is that true? Guilty, yeah.

144. Well... So, what's going on? What'd I miss?

145. Not much. They're, I guess, running late upstairs.

146. We're just waiting for the presentations.

147. Cool, good, good. Good. Give us some time to catch up and...

148. Pam. Hi, how're you doing? Good.

149. Listen, may I speak with you,

150. privately?

151. You can't fire me, Dwight, just 'cause Michael's not here.

152. No, Pam, just... I'm...

153. Just...

154. Please.

155. You need to get something

156. for your girlfriend? Girlfriend, yes.

157. And the reason I didn't get anything for this particular person,

158. who shall remain nameless,

159. is that she's not really the kind of person you'd think would be into Valentine's Day.

160. She's kind of... Tightly wound?

161. Exactly. Okay. Well,

162. sometimes the gift is really about the gesture, you know,

163. like, what it means instead of what it is.

164. You mean, like a ham?

165. No, not like a ham.

166. It's about doing something,

167. so that the person knows that you really care about her,

168. that you remember her. Okay, I get it. That's great.

169. Okay, shut up. I know exactly what to do.

170. What about you, Craig? Did you lose anyone?

171. Oh, man.

172. Jan called me in September, and she's like, "You gotta fire four people,"

173. and I was just like, "What?" You know.

174. Did you? No. I just ignored her. She is the worst.

175. Well, she is our boss, so...

176. She ain't my boss, dude. I don't work for that bitch.

177. Hey, come on, you know, that's not...

178. What? Cool it.

179. You like Jan? How can you like Jan?

180. Maybe because she's my girlfriend.

181. Was. Or not my girlfriend. She...

182. We hooked up and... You hooked up with Jan?

183. It's just, you know, it was months ago. Just... It was just once.

184. It was, God, just stupid. Just... Just forget it.

185. Yeah, let's change the subject. Yeah, yeah.

186. I don't know what he's thinking,

187. but I would just be so psyched if we just dated forever.

188. Well, I'd take it slow.

189. 'Cause it seems like a lot of the time, things like that need to...

190. Soda. Cool.

191. Hey, so, do you want to do something tonight, or...

192. Oh, no, not while I'm here.

193. I mean, I know that it's Valentine's Day or whatever.

194. But there's totally no pressure at all of any kind whatsoever. So...

195. I can't tonight. I have plans with my friends.

196. Okay, that's cool. Okay.

197. I completely understand. Cool.

198. Okay.

199. Josh Porter, Stamford.

200. David. Nice to meet you.

201. And Michael Scott, Scranton.

202. Nice to meet you. Ditto.

203. How are you, Jan? Fine, Michael, thank you.

204. Okay. So, we are in the process of doing a complete review

205. of the company's financial strength.

206. All I'd like to do today is to hear you...

207. Nervous? No, I'm not nervous.

208. Well, I mean, I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I was a little nervous.

209. The new CFO is judging me on this, too.

210. And, well, it is Michael, so...

211. Yeah. I am very nervous.

212. So, with the 12 new local accounts,

213. we had a total of four percent organic growth,

214. which was just above our pre-year targets. Thanks very much.

215. Thank you. Okay, Michael.

216. What is a business?

217. Is it a collection of numbers and sales reports?

218. Sure. But, as you know, David, and Jan,

219. it is much more.

220. Life moves a little slower in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

221. And that's the way we like it.

222. Because at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton,

223. we're not just in the paper business.

224. We're in the people business.

225. Let's meet some of the folks

226. who make the Scranton branch SO special.

227. This is Stanley Hudson, one of our talented salesmen.

228. An African-American father of two,

229. Stanley's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmarks

230. of the foundation of the business we're hoping to build our basis on.

231. Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office,

232. edited it together on my Mac.

233. Was thinking about entering it in some festivals. Probably won't.

234. You know, not what this is about, but...

235. And finally, Pam Beesly.

236. Look at her. Look how cute.

237. Not bad at all.

238. As the receptionist,

239. Pam is truly the gateway to our world.

240. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste

241. of what life is like here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.

242. What it's like to walk a mile in Oscar's shoes,

243. or try on Phyllis' pants.

244. Next time you're in town, give us a call. Stop on by.

245. I'm sure you'll be greeted by a big smile, and a "How're you doing, pal?”

246. Maybe even one of Angela's famous brownies.

247. And you'll know that you're home.

248. Great Scott!

249. Questions?

250. Wow.

251. Okay. Okay, thank you, Michael, that was great.

252. Yes, thank you.

253. But for right now, what I'd really like to know about is the branch's performance.

254. So, do you have that information as well?

255. Yes. Absolutely, David.

256. Let me get that for you. I...

257. Can you sign? Yeah.

258. Oscar.

259. Nothing for me? Join the club.

260. Who's it from? My mom.

261. It's frustrating, 'cause we'd be so perfect together.

262. You know what? Here's the deal, Kelly.

263. It would be really nice if he was into you, right? It'd be great.

264. But he isn't. So... Yeah, but it would be so great if he was.

265. Well, he's not, though. So you just gotta suck it up.

266. You just gotta move on, try to have some fun.

267. Come to my poker game tonight.

268. Okay, cool.

269. Is it okay if I invite Ryan?

270. And that about does it, thank you.

271. Okay.

272. Craig.

273. Yeah, here's the deal. I did not understand

274. that this was supposed to be a full-on, like, report or whatnot.

275. I'm sorry, what did you think financial presentation meant?

276. I was under the impression this was more of, like, a meet-and-greet type deal.

277. So, does that mean that you don't have the numbers on your branch?

278. That is correct. Yes.

279. Craig, you realize that we're trying to decide

280. whether drastic steps need to be taken.

281. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

282. Well, the point is, that this doesn't exactly bode well for your branch.

283. Oh, man. You know what?

284. Michael made that stupid movie, he doesn't get in any trouble.

285. Maybe I should have slept with you, too.

286. Okay, okay. All right, this... No, no, no. I'm not... I'm not... I just...

287. I just don't know what to do anymore, Michael.

288. I mean, I'm probably gonna get fired.

289. No, you're not.

290. Yeah, I... Michael, the CFO thinks that we slept together.

291. Don't you understand? People get fired for much less.

292. And I just can't believe that you told everybody.

293. And we didn't even sleep together.

294. Technically, we fell asleep in the same bed.

295. Oh, God. So...

296. Michael, it was months ago.

297. It was once. It's over.

298. Do you understand?

299. Yes, I'm sorry.

300. I'll fix it. I will talk to him. I'll talk to David.

301. Surely, you cannot be serious.

302. I am serious.

303. "And don't call me Shirley." Airplane!

304. Women are like wolves.

305. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it.

306. You have to snare it.

307. And then you have to tame it.

308. Keep it happy. Care for it. Feed it.

309. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved.

310. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

311. Hey, babe.

312. You almost ready to go? I guess. Yeah.

313. What's wrong? Nothing.

314. It's just that I had to sit here all day

315. while Phyllis got, like, an entire garden delivered to her.

316. What? You're mad at me?

317. I mean, I know that we said, "No big gifts,"

318. but I was, kind of, hoping you'd get me something for Valentine's Day.

319. Well, Valentine's Day isn't over.

320. Let's get you home and you are gonna get the best sex of your life.

321. You understand this is a very serious situation.

322. No, no, no, no, no. Yes, I... Okay, well...

323. All right, here's the deal. This is my fault, this is totally on me.

324. Before you guys came in, I was talking to the guys.

325. We were all chatting and I made a joke,

326. a really dumb joke, and Craig, the idiot, took it seriously.

327. You made a joke? I did. It was stupid.

328. And Craig, you saw him, he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

329. Although he is a tool.

330. Well, I don't need to explain to you that even a joke

331. about sexual relations with your boss...

332. I know. It was borderline at best.

333. And Jan is a fantastic executive

334. and has all the integrity in the world and...

335. I'm really sorry, and that will never happen again.

336. That's fine. Let's just... Just forget it.

337. Okay. Good.

338. Heading out? Yeah.

339. All right, Beesly. Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.

340. Bye.

341. Good night, Pam. Night, Phyllis.

342. Michael.

343. Thank you again for that, really.

344. It was very nice. Oh, no big deal.

345. Really, sorry again. Oh, no, it's okay. Yeah, it's okay.

346. So... Happy Valentine's Day.

347. Yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

348. Okay.