The Office 2x15

Directed by Dennie Gordon

Patrice O'Neal as Lonny Collins • Melora Hardin as Jan Levinson • Creed Bratton as Creed Bratton • Mindy Kaling as Kelly Kapoor • Kate Flannery as Meredith Palmer • David Denman as Roy Anderson

Jan holds a "Women in the Workplace" seminar at Dunder-Mifflin for the paper company's female employees. Michael, feeling more than a bit left out, decides to have his own "seminar" when he takes the male workers down to the warehouse.

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1. So, I'm happy to be here.

2. It's very nice to see all of you.

3. You're all looking well.

4. Today is a "women in the workplace" thing.

5. Jan's coming in from Corporate to talk to all the women about...

6. I don't really know what.

7. But Michael's not allowed in. She said that about five times.

8. Women today, though we have the same options as men,

9. we often face a very different set of obstacles

10. in getting there. So...

11. Hey, what's going on? Michael...

12. Yeah, you know what? I thought we agreed you wouldn't be here.

13. I thought about it. I just have a few things I want to say.

14. What are you doing? Just hear me out.

15. What is more important than quality?

16. Equality.

17. Now, studies show that today's woman, the Ally McBeal Woman, as I call her,

18. is at a crossroads.

19. Michael... And... No, just...

20. You have come a long way, baby.

21. But I just want to keep it within reason. - Michael.

22. They did this up in Albany... You are not allowed in this session, okay?

23. and they ended up turning

24. the break room into a lactation room, which is disgusting.

25. Now you're really not allowed in this session.

26. Well, I'm their boss. I am your boss.

27. Anybody want any coffee or anything? We're fine, Michael.

28. We just need you to leave, please.

29. Women in the workplace.

30. Yeah. Translation, I have been banned from my own conference room

31. so that Jan can talk in secret to all the girls.

32. Whoa, sorry. Women of the workplace.

33. About what? I don't know.

34. Clothes. Me.

35. Ladies, I am so, so sorry.

36. Can we start again? We were on such a roll.

37. I really apologize... Jan?

38. for that. Yes, Pam?

39. Michael's still at the door. Michael!

40. So, one obstacle

41. is how assertiveness is perceived differently in men and women.

42. Men who are assertive tend to be admired. They're called...

43. Anyone?

44. That's a terrible idea.

45. What is?

46. Them in there all together.

47. They stay in there too long, they're gonna get on the same cycle.

48. Wreak havoc on our plumbing.

49. Everyone? Guys? Circle up, please.

50. Come on over. Bring your chairs.

51. Toby? Come on over.

52. You're a guy, too. Sort of.

53. Let's do this!

54. Well, first of all, I just want to warm up a little bit. Let's just clap.

55. Let's just clap. Ready?

56. Yeah! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

57. Okay, I don't know what you're doing here, Michael...

58. Just having a little "guys in the workplace" thing.

59. but it's very disruptive. Why can't boys play with dolls?

60. Why does society

61. force us to use urinals,

62. when sitting down is far more comfortable?

63. Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?

64. We have nowhere else, Jan.

65. This... We could do it in the warehouse.

66. Dwight. Excellent idea. Go to the warehouse.

67. Okay, fine. Actually, perfect. Perfect.

68. You know what? There is another side to this place, gentlemen.

69. And I know we all love our cushy jobs and our fun, exciting office,

70. but do you realize that underneath us,

71. there's another world?

72. The warehouse world.

73. A world that is teeming with sweat and dirt and life.

74. Life.

75. The bowels of the office.

76. These guys are down there, they are real men, doing real men's work.

77. We are going to learn how a warehouse works.

78. I think this is gonna work out great.

79. Because managing the warehouse is a very important part of my job,

80. and I haven't been there in months.

81. Remember on Lost when they met The Others?

82. I am so sorry about that.

83. So, where were we? Pam, are you okay taking notes, then?

84. Please? Yeah.

85. Thank you very much.

86. So, let's meet the warehouse!

87. Let's get some shots.

88. Pan around there.

89. This is Darryl. One of our warehouse staff.

90. Darryl, what is your biggest fear?

91. My biggest fear is that someone will distract us

92. from getting all the shipments out on time. You know what?

93. Darryl is actually the foreman here, and not Roy, which is cool.

94. There's Roy, riding the big rig.

95. So, Roy is actually going to be marrying Pam sometime this summer.

96. And she's our receptionist.

97. Sort of a "Brangelina" thing.

98. Why?

99. "Brangelina" is the Brad Pitt and Angelina. I don't understand.

100. Roy... Roy and Pam. It's a "Ram." It's a "Ram" thing.

101. I bet Roy heard about you liking Pam.

102. I bet he'll try to beat you up.

103. Thanks for the heads up, Kev.

104. I got your back, if he does.

105. But try to stay out of it.

106. Just in case there's somebody down here who shouldn't be.

107. A little Good Will Hunting situation.

108. All right. Troops.

109. This is an important day, a big day.

110. Now, you may look around

111. and see two groups here.

112. White collar, blue collar.

113. But I don't see it that way. And you know why not?

114. Because I am collar-blind.

115. Why don't we go around the table and all say something that we know we're good at?

116. I will start. I am good at public speaking.

117. Hi. I'm Meredith, and I'm an...

118. Good at supplier relations.

119. Great! Phyllis?

120. I'm good at computer stuff.

121. E-mails, spreadsheets. All that.

122. Really?

123. I don't know. I thought that...

124. No. Okay. Stop.

125. You know, I've seen some of your spreadsheets,

126. and I almost always... Really? I thought they were pretty...

127. I don't know how I fit in with these women

128. here, or with Jan.

129. I mean, we get along great. Fine.

130. I guess the person I have the most in common with is...

131. Jim Halpert!

132. Hey, I, you know,

133. heard there's a rumor going around about you used to have a crush on Pam and...

134. Oh, no, no. No, no, it's cool,

135. 'cause I know you're a good guy,

136. and I know that that crush ended a long time ago.

137. So, you know, we're cool. All right?

138. Yeah. No, yeah. Definitely.

139. You know, it's great with me. "Cause that way...

140. I'm glad she has a friend at work she can get through the day with.

141. And then she's not all "bap, bap, bap, bap," Oh.

142. You know, when she gets home. Yeah. I like talking to her, too.

143. So, we're cool, right? Yes. Yeah.

144. Yup. Cool, man. Good. All right. Sweet.

145. Hey, Mike, look. How about we go upstairs, too?

146. You know, learn how an office works. Oh, well.

147. We can both switch places for the day. Okay. Yeah.

148. You know what? I don't... You... Your...

149. My job sucks compared to this.

150. I don't think you'd like it up there. An experience...

151. Guys! Want to start unloading the truck?

152. Okay. Let's go.

153. Step up.

154. Check this out.

155. Look at that. Look at that.

156. Hello, how are... Okay.

157. That's great. That is good stuff.

158. In five years, I'd like to be five years sober.

159. That is an excellent goal.

160. Four and a half.

161. I'll tell you one thing.

162. I am not gonna be one of those women schlepping her kids around in a minivan.

163. Great.

164. I want an SUV with three rows of seats.

165. That would be great.

166. I'll be honest.

167. One of the goals of these women's seminars is to feel out if there's any standouts,

168. women who could be a valuable addition to our corporate life.

169. Michael wants us to bond, SO we need topics for conversation.

170. Ponies.

171. No.

172. How about rainbows?

173. No.

174. Flowers. No!

175. That's dangerous, Mike. Come on, get down off the lift.

176. Hey, you're gonna hurt yourself. Mike!

177. Stand clear. Mike, get off of the lift. Please!

178. Come on, now. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

179. Look, would you... Look...

180. We'll get somebody to clean that up.

181. We're the ones that gotta clean that up!

182. Damn it, Michael!

183. We have to have this thing serviced.

184. So, guys' gripe session.

185. Here we are.

186. Now, we definitely live in different worlds,

187. but we have a lot in common.

188. We even like the same girls, some of us.

189. And that's gonna happen. You know, we're guys, SO...

190. Hey, do you want me to go?

191. No, why would I? You can...

192. I'll go. stay, or...

193. And a big walk-in closet.

194. Oh, that's part of my dream, too. - Oh, me, too.

195. Great. Great.

196. And, Pam? What about you? What is your dream?

197. Well, I always dreamed of a house with a terrace upstairs.

198. Plant flowers on it, stuff like that. Since I was a girl.

199. More seriously, though,

200. a husband that I love.

201. Roy.

202. And I love to draw.

203. And I did a little in college, and I'd still love to do something

204. where I could work with art or graphic design in some way.

205. She's real good. Thanks.

206. You know, the company is offering a design training program in New York.

207. Well, I have a job right now.

208. So, I can't really take time off. Well, it's only on weekends.

209. And then a few weeks in New York,

210. but I'm sure that I could ask Corporate to help you out.

211. Well, it's just that the weekends aren't good because...

212. There are always a million reasons not to do something.

213. Let's start with the warehouse.

214. What bothers you as guys? You know?

215. My priority is safety.

216. Okay.

217. So it really bothers me when somebody comes in here, speeding around on the lift,

218. playing with it like a toy. It kind of gets under my skin.

219. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

220. Don't shush me.

221. No, that was just... That bothers me, too.

222. I was breathing. Pam shushes me. It drives me crazy.

223. I hate shushing. You know, that's the thing.

224. What... Okay. What is our beef, as human men?

225. You know, that's a good question, Hasselhoff.

226. - Okay. All right. - What bugs us?

227. Good. Guys ragging on each other.

228. That's what guys do, and we love it.

229. All right. Let's talk about clothing.

230. I'm excited about today. I love girl talk.

231. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

232. All right, you can use your clothing to send a message about your ambitions

233. by wearing clothes that reflect what you aspire to be.

234. I'm not gaining anything from this seminar.

235. I'm a professional woman,

236. the head of Accounting.

237. I'm in the healthiest relationship of my life.

238. I just think it's insulting that Jan thinks we need this.

239. And apparently, judging from her outfit,

240. Jan aspires to be a whore.

241. I hate it when girls insist on taking them out to new restaurants

242. every weekend night,

243. and then they're like, "When are we gonna go on a date-date?"

244. I hate that, too! I hate that, too!

245. That sucks so hard. It totally sucks!

246. Yeah, and then they make you drive them to church the next morning.

247. Like, gas ain't free.

248. Yeah, on our salaries, man. What do they expect?

249. You know, "Take us out every weekend," you know what I mean?

250. I feel you, man. We're not millionaires.

251. I feel you. No, you don't. You don't feel us.

252. How can you? You know what? Not literally.

253. You say we're the same,

254. but we get compensated very differently. Yes.

255. We work the same hours as you, and you just said we work a lot harder.

256. You do. So... But we get paid a lot less.

257. Word.

258. - Like, next to no benefits. - I know.

259. God, what is that? Exactly.

260. It blows. It blows, man!

261. You know, this would not happen if we had a union.

262. That's what I'm talking about.

263. Absolutely, that's what we need to do. You're right.

264. See, that's what I've been saying, man.

265. We need to do this, finally.

266. You know what, is that necessary?

267. "Cause you already, sort of, have a union of guys.

268. It's more than necessary, Mike. We need this.

269. Roy? Yeah?

270. Do you still have that card from the dockworkers' union?

271. Dockworkers? In my truck.

272. Come on, man. Yeah.

273. You know what? I think our problem is the chicks.

274. The problem is the chicks. Union! Yeah!

275. And you gotta blame them.

276. Are you with us, Mike? Yeah...

277. Welcome to the warehouse.

278. Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael!

279. Another issue is inequality of pay between men and women.

280. I'm sure that all of you have dealt with that before.

281. This is important. Ladies, take a breather.

282. Jan, I

283. wanted...

284. Can I help you?

285. I wanted to say that the guys downstairs are thinking about forming a union,

286. and they have some good points. What? A union?

287. Don't get hysterical. I'm not.

288. Part of my job is knowing how to talk to women.

289. Let's be rational here.

290. What are the pros? What are the cons?

291. The cons are that everyone will lose their job, Michael. Everyone.

292. Office, warehouse...

293. What do you think the pros are here?

294. Don't talk to me that way, please. Just...

295. They're gonna want to hear this from you.

296. You got yourself into this, Michael, so...

297. We're bonding down there. ... you get yourself out of it. That's too bad.

298. I just don't want to have to tell them something they're not gonna want to hear.

299. Now who's getting hysterical? Okay. Come on, Jan.

300. After all we've been through... Michael, Michael...

301. We have a history. We have a history between us.

302. Michael. Don't say another word.

303. Get yourself downstairs.

304. I'm just saying that we have something. Okay. Whatever.

305. You know what?

306. We could get this done a lot quicker if we formed a type of assembly line.

307. This here is a "run out the clock" situation.

308. Just like upstairs.

309. Sports metaphors are one of the ways

310. women feel left out of the language of the office.

311. Now, I know this might sound silly, but many women ask to go over it, so,

312. "fumble" means...

313. Mistake. Slip.

314. Right.

315. "Par for the course" is a golf term. It means "right on track."

316. "Below par" means "worse."

317. Wait. That should mean better. That doesn't make sense.

318. What about "second base"?

319. Like, if Michael said he got to second base with you,

320. does that mean you, like, closed a deal? Excuse me?

321. I mean, that's a baseball term, right?

322. I don't know what Michael was talking about. I don't know.

323. Like, you went to Chili's, and he got to second base with you.

324. Excuse me.

325. Kelly, I don't know what Michael was talking about.

326. He just told everybody, and I just want to know if that's...

327. Hey.

328. How's it going down there?

329. It's a complete... Well, actually, it's exactly what you'd expect, so...

330. How are the girls? Good.

331. We watched a video about our changing bodies.

332. Did you really? No.

333. Almost.

334. But, hey, something kind of cool,

335. there's this internship in graphic design that Jan was telling us about.

336. She made it sound, like, really great.

337. Nice! Well, what's it all about? I think you should do it.

338. That's great! It's really cool.

339. Cold front coming into the warehouse!

340. Better put on your ski boots!

341. Happy New Year, Darryl.

342. Hey, Darryl.

343. You ever done this?

344. Are you married?

345. I'm divorced.

346. That must have been hard.

347. It was, yes.

348. You were probably feeling really depressed and sad,

349. and that's why you did that thing with Michael.

350. I think you should all spend a little more time thinking about your careers,

351. and less time on personal stuff.

352. I think we're all okay with the balance we've struck.

353. At least you don't have kids.

354. You have no kids, right? Thank God.

355. Okay. Let's take five. I think we could all use five.

356. How can someone so beautiful be so sad?

357. Did you take care of the situation?

358. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I have...

359. Excuse me. Excuse me. essentially, yes, I have taken...

360. I'm told that there has been some interest in forming a union,

361. and that Michael supported it.

362. Obviously, he's not a friend of yours,

363. because he didn't tell you the facts. So, let me.

364. If there is even a whiff of unionizing in this branch,

365. I can guarantee you the branch will be shut down like that.

366. They unionized in Pittsfield, and we all know what happened in Pittsfield.

367. It will cost each of you a fortune in legal fees and union dues,

368. and that will be nothing compared to the cost of losing your jobs.

369. So I would think long and hard before sacrificing your savings and your futures

370. just to send a message.

371. If you have any further questions, you can direct them to...

372. To Michael.

373. Dreams are just that. They're dreams. They help get you through the day.

374. Like the thing about the terrace. It's nice,

375. but, I don't know,

376. it was just something I read in this book when I was 12.

377. The girl in the book has a terrace outside of her bedroom,

378. and she planted flowers on it,

379. and I just loved that.

380. It just always kind of stuck with me.

381. So, you're not doing it.

382. How did you know?

383. Why not?

384. It's just, like... No big reason.

385. Just a bunch of little reasons. Come on.

386. Roy's right. There's no guarantee it's gonna lead to anything, anyway.

387. Roy said that?

388. What? You have something you want to say?

389. You gotta take a chance on something, sometime, Pam.

390. I mean, do you want to be a receptionist here, always?

391. Oh, excuse me, I'm fine with my choices.

392. You are?

393. Yeah.

394. It's impractical.

395. I'm not gonna try to get a house like that.

396. They don't even make houses like that in Scranton.

397. So, I'm never gonna...

398. I'm just gonna put this over there.

399. This is not a good idea, right here.

400. Easy does it. Okay.

401. Pizza. Great equalizer.

402. Rich people love pizza. Poor people love pizza.

403. White people love pizza. Black people love pizza.

404. Do black people like pizza?

405. Hey.

406. Look, guys, I'm sorry.

407. Sometimes Jan can be such a bitch.

408. Yeah. Yeah.

409. Hey, watch it. Watch it.

410. We have a relationship.

411. Thank you to our hosts.

412. Hey, Michael!

413. This ain't over.

414. Excellent.

415. Is it good to be back? Yeah. I mean, I love the guy stuff,

416. but to run an office, you need men and women.

417. You know why?

418. Because you need to have that crazy sexual tension

419. to keep things interesting.

420. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

421. Hold, please.

422. Snow angels. Snow angels.