The Nanny 6x5

1. Niles, here I am Mrs. Sheffield now

2. and you're still making the bed,

3. making the meals, laying out his clothes.

4. - I feel so guilty. - Well, would you like to help?

5. No, I just wanna figure out a way

6. to stop feeling so damn guilty.

7. Honey, have you seen Grace's Halloween outfit?

8. - No. - She's looking a little more like

9. a trick than treat.

10. Uh-oh!

11. Gracie, honey, come on in here.

12. Let me see your costume.

13. Oh, are you insane?

14. There's no way you can go to your Halloween party dressed like that.

15. Black is over. This year, gray is the story.

16. Better?

17. Oh, it's totally inappropriate. She looks like... Well, like...

18. Me?

19. All right, Miss Grace,

20. let's leave Mommy and Daddy alone

21. - to fight in private. - But I wanna hear.

22. It's none of our business.

23. Darling, how could you let her go out looking like that?

24. I mean, what kind of example are you setting?

25. What? She's dressed like me.

26. You love my style.

27. Yes, but you're much, much older.

28. But than little, teeny, tiny 12-year-old Gracie, that is.

29. Look, the point is sweetheart, since you've become her mother,

30. you carry much more weight.

31. Oh, no. Well.

32. Look, would you stop staring at me like that? It's spooky.

33. What? I'm just listening to my husband

34. charm his fat, old, spooky wife.

35. Darling, the point is now we're married.

36. We have to be much more careful about what we say and do.

37. Like tonight, for example,

38. when Margaret's boyfriend comes over.

39. You have to remember that a boy

40. looks to a girl's mother to know what to expect

41. - in the future. - Is that what you did with me?

42. Who's sorry now?

43. No. Just promise me one thing,

44. you'll try to be a little more conservative tonight.

45. I mean, that outfit you've got on.

46. I mean, it suggests any woman would...

47. What? Jump into bed with a guy after five years?

48. Look, darling, we have to set the right tone.

49. - It's important you and I are of one mind. - Yours?

50. Yes.

51. Okay, honey. You got it.

52. - We're of one mind. - Right.

53. - And by the way, tonight? - Mm?

54. We have a headache.

55. Can you believe the nerve of Maxwell

56. suggesting that I am not a good role model for those kids?

57. I mean, would I ever steer them wrong?

58. Oh, this was the worst day of my entire life.

59. Why, honey? What happened?

60. Well, you know, Kim, still won't go out with me.

61. Well, did you nonchalantly drop your Platinum Visa card

62. like I told you to?

63. No, the regular Visa.

64. Oh. You don't listen.

65. You see, you are a great role model

66. - for those kids. - Thank you.

67. You can talk to kids

68. and then just turn right around

69. and conversate with the sophisticatos.

70. - Fran, I am so nervous... - Hi, sweetie.

71. about my new boyfriend coming over for dinner tonight.

72. Why? Because you have to prepare

73. the Chateaubriand, polish the silver,

74. and comb the fringe on the area rugs?

75. No, you do that.

76. Then chill out, girlie.

77. Niles, what's the matter? You seem so bitter.

78. Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that it's a very emotional day for me.

79. I was here when Miss Margaret was born.

80. I watched her grow up, go off to college,

81. and now she's starting an exciting new life.

82. And I'm still a butler.

83. Oh, I wish he can just adjust to the fact that he's a domestic.

84. I mean, it took me five years, but I made peace with it.

85. So, honey, what are you gonna wear tonight?

86. Well, I was thinking of wearing

87. one of Fran's short little skirts.

88. No, no, no, I don't think that's a good idea at all.

89. I think you gotta wear something much more tasteful, longish,

90. and turtleneckish.

91. - Why? - Why?

92. Because I'm a frigging role model, that's why.

93. Daddy, just please,

94. promise me that you're not gonna embarrass me

95. in front of my new boyfriend tonight.

96. Fine, I'll tell you what.

97. Why don't I just lock myself in my study

98. and stay there until he leaves?

99. Do you want Niles to bring you a tray?

100. I'm not hiding in my office.

101. This is my house. I'll do as I please.

102. And if I want to tell my funny, Kaye Ballard stories,

103. which always kill,

104. then I shall.

105. Oh, Fran, do something, say something.

106. Kaye Ballard.

107. - Honey, let your father be himself. - Thank you.

108. Sweetie, if you're serious about this guy,

109. you are gonna have to let him meet your family sometime.

110. I mean, you can't hide them forever.

111. God knows I tried.

112. Oh, and you, don't embarrass me

113. in front of my new boyfriend tonight.

114. You turned off the last two guys I brought home.

115. Oh, yeah. I bored them to death.

116. Honey, calm down.

117. You're acting a little nutsy here.

118. I mean, there is really nothing

119. as pathetic as an over-anxious, desperate woman.

120. - There he is.

121. Wet your lips. Arch your back up.

122. Please don't let this one slip through your fingers.

123. Oh, not you, sweetie.

124. - Hello, honey. - Hey.

125. Everyone, this is Michael.

126. - Michael, these are my parents. - Hi.

127. Gee, you look very familiar to me.

128. Yes, yes you do. Are you an actor?

129. - Have you read for me before? - No, I'm a model. I don't read.

130. Michael has a billboard in Times Square

131. that's ten stories high.

132. Oh, my God.

133. You are the underwear guy.

134. Honey, honey, this is the tushy that hangs over your marquee.

135. - Please, show him. Show him. - No, I really don't—

136. - Oh, please. - Well, all right.

137. Yeah, that's it.

138. He looks much better without his pants on.

139. What?

140. Honey, why don't you go tell Michael

141. your funny Kaye Ballard story.

142. You know Kaye?

143. So, Michael, how did you become an underpants model?

144. Well, I was going to college, getting my liberal arts degree,

145. then one day someone offered me $40,000 for a day's work.

146. And I worked five days that week.

147. So tell me, Michael, what does your father do?

148. He's a doctor.

149. Ka-ching.

150. He's one of the most prominent plastic surgeons on Long Island.

151. Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

152. Really, Dad, you would not believe how huge his practice is.

153. Well, there's a lot of older women out there

154. trying to recapture their youth.

155. It's sad. I mean, most of them are so embarrassed,

156. they use phony names.

157. Good night, everyone.

158. Miss Bouvier?

159. I'm sorry, obviously, you have mistaken me for someone else, Michael.

160. So, Michael,

161. how long have you been dating my beautiful, young daughter?

162. - Five weeks. - Five weeks.

163. Reminds me of the first time I brought a boy home for dinner.

164. Only it was Ma that was kissing him.

165. She was so grateful.

166. Michael, do you have anything to fall back on

167. when your rear end is no longer supporting you?

168. - Dad. - What?

169. Look, Mr. Sheffield I know, what you're thinking.

170. A male model's not good enough for your daughter.

171. Even though I gross $800,000 a year.

172. Niles, are you all right?

173. Oh, nothing an additional $790,000 a year couldn't fix.

174. I want you to know that I really love your daughter.

175. And I'm gonna do everything I can to make her happy.

176. Oh, this is what nachas is all about.

177. What's nachas?

178. Nachas means feeling a sense of pride.

179. Oh, my God, he's Jewish.

180. Oh, my life is complete.

181. My daughter is marrying a Jewish, male model.

182. Marrying? Wait a minute, no one's marrying anyone.

183. Look, it's important young people take it slowly

184. when they think they're falling in love.

185. Yeah, but you don't wanna pace yourself

186. like you're gonna live to be 140 either.

187. - Did you just kick me? - Yes.

188. Ow!

189. Uh, listen, everyone, we gotta go.

190. Michael and I are going to the Roxy tonight.

191. So, we probably won't be back till real late.

192. Aw, well, you have a good time.

193. You're adults, you're responsible,

194. you can do whatever you— Ow!

195. Well, unless you're expecting candy

196. to come flopping out of my tuchas...

197. quit whacking me under the table!

198. Well, will you quit acting like a sister

199. and act a bit more like her mother.

200. Oh, why don't you just give the kid a break?

201. He's a hardworking decent fellow.

202. - He rents a beautiful apartment. - Actually, I own it.

203. Oh, why don't you just shoot me?

204. When we're in the middle of an argument,

205. why do you always walk out when it's my turn to speak?

206. So I don't have to hear you.

207. You know what your problem is, don't you?

208. You wanna be the children's friend.

209. Well, you can't be.

210. We have to be like lawyers. Like agents.

211. If the children like us, we're not doing our jobs.

212. Oh, What is so terrible about me being supportive of my daughter?

213. What do you think is gonna happen?

214. Well, aren't you gonna run out? It's my turn to speak.

215. No, because obviously you have nothing to say.

216. Really? Well, how about this then?

217. Did it ever occur to you that your support

218. simply gives them carte blanche to do whatever they bloody well want?

219. Sweetie, my support helps build her self-esteem,

220. which gives her the confidence to make the right decisions.

221. Now, will you please trust me on this?

222. - Oh, I don't know. - Well.

223. - Oh, maybe you're right. - Yeah, well.

224. Oh, God. What happened to me?

225. I used to be such a hip, with-it, mod kind of father.

226. Okay.

227. You know what, darling?

228. I just thank God that you are in my life.

229. Oh, and I don't have to tell you

230. how grateful I am to have you in mine.

231. But I can show you.

232. I'll light the candles.

233. I'll get the Haagen-Dazs.

234. - For what? - Gotta have something to wear.

235. - Fran. I am so sorry - Hi, honey.

236. that you and Daddy got into a fight.

237. Listen, can we talk on the way

238. - to the freezer? - No. But, Fran,

239. it really meant a lot to me that you consider Michael and me adults.

240. And we should be able to do whatever we want.

241. Sweetie, I was your age once.

242. Twice.

243. And I know how important it is to have a role model

244. that believes in all of your choices.

245. - I know, Fran, and because of your support - Yeah?

246. Michael and I have decided to move in together.

247. Honey, that's fantastic!

248. Are you gonna be needing a nanny?

249. Because I'm gonna be available.

250. Honey, have you seen Maggie yet this morning?

251. - No, not yet. - Okay.

252. Hello, my darling, love of my life.

253. You know, honey, there was something

254. that I neglected to tell you last night.

255. Oh, well, there was something

256. I neglected to tell you last night.

257. You know what? You go first.

258. All right. You were amazing.

259. Not that you're not incredible every night

260. but last night you were so generous.

261. Well, you know, I'm trying something new.

262. I want to approach each time like, well, it could be my last.

263. I like the sound of that idea.

264. I thought this crap was supposed to stop once you got married.

265. Miss Babcock. What is the matter?

266. You look very tense.

267. Well, I just got back from the plastic surgeon.

268. He might have hit a wrong muscle with the Botox. No biggie.

269. Yeah, I think he might have paralyzed half your face.

270. Well, perhaps he was distracted by the fact that your daughter

271. is moving in with his son.

272. What happened?

273. Maggie's moving in with her boyfriend.

274. It's all my fault and Miss Bouvier told him.

275. Will you get back here this instant?

276. No!

277. I told you this would happen!

278. Well, that just makes you right and me faster!

279. This is what happens when you don't act like a parent.

280. Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

281. Oh, my God. Kaye Ballard!

282. - Kaye Ballard! - What, Kaye? Where?

283. I'll get it, I'll get it.

284. - Trick or treat? - Trick or treat?

285. Oh, I'm so scared.

286. One minute, boys.

287. Ma, there's no more candy in the bowl.

288. It's only 5 o'clock.

289. What'd you do, give it all out already?

290. Uh, yeah.

291. Do have something we could give the kids?

292. Maybe a few pennies or something.

293. Ah, that's a good idea.

294. Here you go.

295. - Thank you. - Happy Halloween.

296. Hey, that lady took my candy.

297. You know, Halloween was always Sylvia's favorite holiday.

298. She'd start collecting at 7 o'clock in the morning.

299. She even took extra bags to collect

300. for the underprivileged kids.

301. Remember?

302. Uh... yeah.

303. Ma, I want to talk to you.

304. You know, Max and I had another fight.

305. Now Maggie wants to move in with her new boyfriend,

306. and he's saying it's all my fault.

307. - Sweetheart, you know what your problem is? - What?

308. You're spending too much time with your husband.

309. The 35 years that I have been married to your father, combined

310. maybe I've seen him totally...

311. six months.

312. Well, Ma, if I don't figure out

313. a way to keep Maggie from moving in

314. with her boyfriend, I may be moving back in with you.

315. Franny, you can't move in here.

316. I'd have to move out and go to a home.

317. Ma, we put you in a home 10 years ago.

318. You bastards.

319. Sweetheart, I can't believe

320. you're fighting with your husband.

321. It's giving me palpitations.

322. I probably won't live to see Thanksgiving.

323. And I already bought the bird.

324. And ate it.

325. You're fighting with him, and it's killing me.

326. Ma, Ma, I didn't come here to upset you.

327. I feel terrible.

328. What can I do to make it up to you?

329. Learn.

330. The performance that you just saw is called guilt.

331. It's every mother's secret weapon

332. that she uses on her daughter.

333. Use it to get the girl back.

334. Ma, do you think that I'm ready to unleash the power?

335. Darling, embrace it.

336. Use it.

337. Pass it on.

338. Coming.

339. - Fran. - Sweetie, I will get right to the point.

340. There is no way you are moving in here.

341. No daughter of mine is going to live

342. in the most gorgeous condo I've ever seen.

343. - I know, isn't it beautiful? - Yes, but that is not the point.

344. You are too young to be living here with him.

345. Don't you realize you're falling in love with an image?

346. Nobody looks like that in real life.

347. Except the guy you're living with.

348. - Hey, Fran. - Hi, Michael.

349. - You're our first visitor. - Oh.

350. It's real sweet how close you and Maggie are.

351. Yeah, well, that's the perks

352. of having grown kids in your 20s.

353. - You mean in their 20s. - No.

354. Now, tell me you guys,

355. are you really, really, really sure about this?

356. - Yes. - Yes.

357. Okay. Well, then I guess I'll just have to accept—

358. Fran. Fran, are you okay?

359. I'll be all right. Just give me a minute.

360. Oh, my God, I think your mom's having a heart attack.

361. Listen to the boy. Listen to the boy.

362. Fran, I'm so sorry.

363. - Michael, I'm moving back home. - Really?

364. When pigs fly.

365. Fran, Jewish guilt does not work on a shiksa.

366. Oh, fine. Well, at least I can tell your father that I tried.

367. Look, you guys are adults and I give you my blessing.

368. I'll be at Ma's if you need me.

369. I think it's best that I spend a few days away from your father.

370. You know, my health.

371. Michael, flex your pecks! Hide me! Hide me.

372. Daddy, don't even try. I love Michael.

373. Fran gave me her blessing. Why can't you?

374. You gave them your blessings?

375. Cut the guilt. It doesn't work on the British.

376. Well, what do you want me to say?

377. I mean, they've made their decision,

378. and I am going to accept them.

379. That doesn't mean I have to accept them.

380. You know, I can't believe that

381. you would rather alienate your daughter

382. than try and understand her. I mean, who did I marry?

383. Well, you know, I was asking myself the same question.

384. Oh, well, then maybe we should try and answer it

385. separately for a while.

386. - Well, maybe we should. - Well, fine then.

387. Stop it. Stop it. This is crazy.

388. Margaret, you stay out of this.

389. Michael, this is gonna separate my parents.

390. Listen, we don't wanna hurt anybody.

391. We can't do this. I can't do this.

392. - I'm sorry. - I'll take you home.

393. Dad, I'm packing up my bags. We're going home.

394. I can't believe that worked.

395. - Did I not tell you to trust me? - You were terrific!

396. I had no idea you were such an incredible actress.

397. And how about you?

398. You were so forceful, so strong, such a turn-on.

399. I'm sorry to interrupt,

400. but the doctor just sent your results over.

401. You only have four months to live.

402. Never mind, Niles. Plan A worked.

403. Oh!

404. This is his apartment?

405. Rule number one,

406. never eat anything unwrapped.

407. See, that's not good.

408. Rule number two...

409. never eat loose candy.

410. See, that's bad.

411. You know something?

412. None of this is safe.

413. You're gonna throw out the whole pail?

414. Um, yeah.