The Nanny 6x4

1. Yetta.

2. What are you still doing here?

3. This is exactly where I left you when I went to bed last night.

4. Your grandfather's supposed to pick me up.

5. Oh, sweetie.

6. Grandpa passed away.

7. - When? - Well, 1973.

8. Come on, sweetie, you gotta go home.

9. To who? My husband's dead.

10. Come on, Yetta, we're having company.

11. Maxwell's late wife's parents are coming

12. and it's always best that new people

13. only meet one Fine per sitting.

14. - I completely understand. - Good.

15. I'll be out of here as soon as Grandpa picks me up.

16. There's Grandpa now.

17. Where have you been?

18. Oh, sweetheart,

19. Sara's parents are gonna be here any minute.

20. All right. What are you so nervous about?

21. I thought you said they were thrilled when you told them we got married.

22. Well, darling, I lied.

23. What do you mean? You didn't tell them?

24. Are you ashamed of me? Am I embarrassing to you?

25. Why aren't you answering?

26. Oh, sweetheart, you're very special.

27. You're-you're an acquired taste

28. like, uh, Feta cheese.

29. You're comparing me to smelly Greek cheese?

30. Sweetheart, these are Sara's parents.

31. This is a very sensitive situation for them.

32. I mean, in their minds,

33. you're, in effect, replacing their daughter.

34. So I wanna break it to them gently.

35. Who compares a wife to cheese?

36. All right, forget the cheese. You're not a cheese.

37. You're a beautiful, vibrant, sexy, charming woman.

38. Now, they're gonna be here any minute.

39. I want you to make a good impression.

40. - So please get out of that robe. - All right.

41. What do you think they'll think of this?

42. I don't know. Why don't you ask them?

43. Oh, that was so embarrassing.

44. I'm so humiliated, although he had a smile on his face,

45. but I think she was a little stand-offish.

46. Well, darling, I smoothed things over, I think, when I told them

47. the naked nanny in my living room is now my naked wife.

48. I just hope she didn't hurt her head when she passed out.

49. You just have to give them time.

50. I know-I know they can be a bit abrading, but—

51. What?

52. - Pains in the tuchus. - Oh.

53. When you marry someone, you're rather stuck with the parents.

54. Oh, that's true. I mean,

55. how often are you blessed with a Morty and a Sylvia?

56. Once in a lifetime, darling.

57. Well, I'm not concerned.

58. We'll win them over, and just to cinch the deal,

59. how about if we take them to Wiley's Ribs?

60. We'll order the onion loaf, go the whole nine yards.

61. I'm not so sure that's a good idea.

62. Why? They're not good with the fried?

63. No, it's just that Sara's parents

64. aren't really the ribs, beans and slaw types.

65. They like to end their meals with a liqueur, not a wet nap.

66. Oh, excuse me.

67. I just thought that it would be a nice way to celebrate

68. after we sign the adoption papers for the kids on Friday.

69. Ah, yes, well, now, um, about that.

70. Uh, you see, we've just told them we're married.

71. I don't want to overwhelm them

72. with too much good news all at once.

73. What, are you saying? Do you think they're gonna have a problem

74. with me adopting their grandkids?

75. No, no, I'm sure they won't have a problem.

76. It's just I think it would be better

77. if we maybe put off telling them

78. till you've really impressed them with your charm

79. and your warmth and elegance.

80. I gotcha. I see where you're coming from.

81. So tell me, what do you think? Should I wear this?

82. Oh, my God, what a mess.

83. This is how you plan to impress Sara's parents?

84. What did you cook?

85. Juice.

86. Plus I managed to save three whole muffins.

87. - What about these others with the icing? - Oh, don't touch those.

88. That's fire extinguisher foam.

89. Don't worry. Don't you worry about a thing.

90. I've got it all under control.

91. I'm just waiting for the bell to ding.

92. - Done.

93. - Hi. - Hi. Here you go.

94. - Okay. - That'll be $85.

95. Oh, 85. Wowie.

96. Here you go.

97. - Thank you. Keep the change. - Thanks.

98. I can't believe you spent 85 dollars for breakfast

99. just to avoid cooking.

100. I spend 30 at the IHOP.

101. Twenty at the diner if Shirley's on the counter.

102. Are you telling me those delicious, fluffy pancakes

103. with the pineapple smile you don't make?

104. Do you think if I had the foresight to come up with

105. the pineapple smile concept, I'd keep this swell job?

106. I haven't cooked a breakfast in this kitchen in six years

107. that they haven't gone nuts for.

108. Sara's parents are beginning to wonder

109. how much longer they're gonna have to wait for breakfast.

110. Breakfast is always made much quicker when Niles orders it.

111. - You knew? - Oh, please.

112. Like you'd have the smarts to come up with that pineapple smile concept.

113. Well, the sausage patty yarmulke for Rosh Hashanah

114. was a Niles exclusive.

115. Oh, honey, I'm sorry that breakfast is taking so long.

116. I just want everything to be so right.

117. I mean, while they're here,

118. I just want to come across as the perfect wife and mother.

119. And after they're gone?

120. Don't hurt my feelings, I'm injured.

121. Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

122. Listen, I want you to go in the dining room,

123. gather everyone together in the dining room.

124. And while you're there, maybe you can smooth over

125. that little faux pas you made with Roberta.

126. What faux pas? I would think that

127. if I had a hair growing out of my chin,

128. I'd want someone to tell me.

129. I was just telling Roberta and Ernest—

130. Oh, well, after what you saw today,

131. I think I can call you Bert and Ernie.

132. - What is this? - A Band-Aid?

133. Oh, and we have a winner.

134. I like to keep the kids entertained.

135. I don't think it's going very well.

136. - Hi. - Oh, this ought to pick things up.

137. I was in the vicinity picking up Metamucil

138. for your father, Morton.

139. Oh, I see you have company.

140. Uh, Sylvia, these are our grandparents.

141. Oh! Uh, I'm Fran's mother,

142. Sylvia Ray Fine.

143. - Ma. Go. - No.

144. Sweetheart, aren't you gonna be late for the museum?

145. - What? - Mrs. Sheffield loves

146. taking the children to the museum

147. and other cultural activities.

148. What museum are you going to?

149. Uh, it's Brighton's day to pick.

150. Oh, um, well, we're going to the Whitney Museum.

151. She's got a museum?

152. I wonder if they're gonna have that metallic outfit

153. that she wore in The Bodyguard.

154. - Hi. - Oh, you're home.

155. How was the museum?

156. Oh, well, first of all, you know,

157. they have these little electronic eyes.

158. So if you as much as touch a painting,

159. all these big alarms go off.

160. Do I really need to tell you the rest of the story?

161. Oh, Niles, what's wrong with me?

162. - Why can't I fit in? - Because you're like me.

163. We're movers. We're shakers.

164. We're creative people who live outside the box.

165. Look what I came up with. Velcro pot holders.

166. Oh, Niles, I don't know how to tell you this

167. but they have those in all the stores.

168. Oh, great.

169. You tell one big-mouth cashier at Pottery Barn.

170. What am I gonna do?

171. I really want Sara's parents

172. to feel comfortable with me raising their grandkids.

173. Oh, give up, Nanny Fine. You're never gonna win them over.

174. They prefer a woman like me. A woman of—

175. Sixty.

176. You're a real riot, Niles. Here's a punch line for you.

177. Yetta, your husband's in here!

178. Oh, God.

179. Oh, look at him go. He can't wait.

180. I'll surprise him. I'll take the elevator.

181. The elevator's out of order, Yetta.

182. Oh!

183. Poor Nanny Fine.

184. I wish I could help,

185. but I won't.

186. Because you have him, I don't, and I want him.

187. You know, Miss Babcock...

188. I think that herbal Prozac

189. doesn't have quite the same kick as the real.

190. Don't you worry about me, Nanny Fine.

191. I'll be very calm tomorrow night

192. after I have martinis with Roberta and Ernest

193. before I take them to the symphony.

194. Well, it just so happens...

195. that I have plans to take them out

196. for cocktails and entertainment tonight.

197. You're not the only one

198. that knows how to impress, girlfriend.

199. She don't know the words.

200. This is horrendous.

201. I'm getting the check.

202. Oh, look, Nana's waving at us.

203. She loves me.

204. Oh, ladies and gentlemen,

205. staff here at Ping Chow Restaurant,

206. this Friday is a very special day for our little family.

207. Nana Roberta, Papa Ernest.

208. I know that I could never replace Sara.

209. And I never want to try.

210. But I love these kids so much.

211. And that is why on Friday,

212. I will officially adopt them.

213. Over my dead body!

214. How could they be contesting the adoption?

215. On what grounds?

216. They think you're an unfit mother.

217. Unfit? I'm in the best shape of my life.

218. Oh, no, I know what this is all about.

219. They don't like my people.

220. No, sweetheart, they're not anti-Semitic.

221. They're best friends with the Rothschilds.

222. I meant my mother.

223. Nanny Fine, I just heard the news.

224. Now, I know that we've had our differences,

225. but this is truly unfair.

226. Those children mean the world to you,

227. and if there is anything I can do to help.

228. Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

229. I am going to go see my lawyer.

230. You do that, Maxwell. Those people have no case.

231. They can't do this to you because...

232. You are such a loser.

233. You know, Miss Babcock

234. I really appreciate your Linda Tripp-type friendship.

235. But my husband is a very powerful man

236. and we will win.

237. Not before Sara's parents get their lawyers

238. to prove you are not mother material

239. by digging up every little thing about your past.

240. Oh, what are they gonna dig up on me?

241. Except something that happened in high school

242. and maybe right before I came here

243. and once last year.

244. I'm dead.

245. Ma, I'm upset. I'm about to lose my kids.

246. Why don't you have anything sweet in this house?

247. I got rid of it all. I went to the doctor

248. and according to my weight chart,

249. I should be seven foot nine.

250. Why don't you just solve your problems like other people?

251. Without food.

252. - You wanna try it? - I'll give it a whirl.

253. Oh, Fran, this is so sad.

254. You are such a good mother to those kids.

255. Why would Sara's parents go rooting around in your past

256. to prove that you're unfit?

257. I know, Val. I mean, I thought that

258. they were just gonna focus on the things

259. that I teach them that might be inappropriate.

260. You know, like how to make a phony ID.

261. - How to change a D into a B. - Right.

262. - How to return a dress that you've worn for a year. - Yeah.

263. But I didn't think that they were gonna start looking for bad things.

264. Darling, this is a very serious problem.

265. I don't know. I don't know.

266. You know, some things even a mother can't solve.

267. All right, I'm back.

268. Fran, you don't want your husband to hear about your past.

269. These grandparents are rich people

270. and rich people can dig up anything on anyone.

271. Look at this Ken Starr.

272. Oh, yeah, but I read that report on what they said she did to him

273. and I don't believe it.

274. You don't think a president would do that?

275. A Jewish girl would never do that.

276. Ma, what is in this coffee?

277. Cognac.

278. It acts like an expectorant.

279. And gives me a little buzz.

280. Oh, Val, this is just terrible.

281. I mean, I wish I knew what Sara's parents were going to find out about me.

282. I've done a lot of things.

283. Does that mean I remember them?

284. Well, there was that one time you went to jail

285. but they let you go when you proved

286. it was powdered sugar from a doughnut on your nostrils.

287. That's true.

288. So you spent a lot of time in the high school principal's office.

289. Was that any reason to blame you for his divorce?

290. All right, Val, you've said enough.

291. Remember what happened in Acapulco?

292. When were you ever in Acapulco?

293. Uh, she means the restaurant.

294. Remember, Ma, you stole the dip.

295. Oh, sure.

296. Oh, I just love those kids so much

297. and I want to make them legally mine.

298. You know, don't rock the boat. It's a dangerous thing.

299. Anyway, you know, it's not so great having kids.

300. Most of my life, I wished I didn't.

301. Ma.

302. Did that come out of me?

303. Forgive me. It's the cognac talking.

304. Fran, we don't wanna go out to dinner with our grandparents.

305. If they don't like you, then we don't like them.

306. How are we supposed to be nice to people who hate you?

307. Oh, sweetie, they don't hate me.

308. Yeah, Fran, they really hate you.

309. I don't understand why you don't even try to fight for us.

310. Oh, sweetie, this is a very big decision.

311. I mean, it's all very confusing.

312. I just don't know what to tell you.

313. Okay, I'm back.

314. Look, you guys love me, I love you.

315. What does the adoption paper do?

316. It doesn't change a thing.

317. It's just a little piece of paper.

318. It doesn't mean anything.

319. A piece of paper meant a lot when you wanted to marry Daddy.

320. Well, that's different.

321. That's community property.

322. Fine, don't fight for us. We don't want to be a burden.

323. We'll see each other at weddings and, God forbid, funerals.

324. Oh, sweetie.

325. They're not taking you away.

326. They're just trying to stop the adoption, that's all.

327. Now, come on, I want you to have a nice evening

328. with your grandparents.

329. Go put on something pretty and handsome.

330. Just no animal prints or sequins.

331. These people have no regard for haute couture.

332. You know, Fran, if something did happen to Daddy

333. they could take them away,

334. because you're not our legal mom.

335. Darling, do you think I should go with the brown suit

336. or the gray herringbone?

337. All right, look, I was arrested in '84.

338. It was powdered sugar.

339. And my principal did have an affair,

340. but it was with Mrs. Simon.

341. I had nothing to do with it.

342. Darling, darling, darling, what are you talking about?

343. Oh, sweetie, if we go and fight in court,

344. they are gonna do an investigation on me.

345. There are things you don't know about me that might come out.

346. I mean, ugly things.

347. Very ugly things.

348. Darling, darling, I know all about your past.

349. Before I hired you as my nanny,

350. I had you thoroughly investigated.

351. - What? - Yeah. Well, I'm not about to trust

352. some stranger with my children, am I?

353. Come on, didn't you... Didn't you check me out?

354. I checked you out.

355. So you see, you have absolutely nothing to confess.

356. I know everything about you.

357. Everything? Even my age?

358. Ah, actually, that was the one thing

359. even the FBI couldn't verify.

360. The closest they could get was 31.

361. Thirty-one?

362. Well, I guess the truth is out.

363. Listen, you guys, we really need to talk to you

364. about this whole adoption issue.

365. Yes, we don't want to fight you, but we will if we have to.

366. Now, we wanna do what's best for the children

367. and what's best for them is for all of us to be a family.

368. Well, if Sara were still here, we would be.

369. Calm down, Roberta. They didn't kill her.

370. Oh, Roberta, I don't mean to seem insensitive.

371. I understand that the kids are your link to Sara.

372. But my adopting them is never going to change that.

373. Well, I'm sorry.

374. But I worry that they don't even

375. think about their mother anymore.

376. That's not true, Grandma.

377. We think about Mom all the time.

378. And sometimes when we really miss her

379. Fran puts on old videotapes of her

380. and watches them with us.

381. And every year on Mom's birthday,

382. Fran has us light a yahrzeit candle for her.

383. - A what? - It's a Jewish tradition.

384. It sort of lights the way to a happy afterlife.

385. Also in the Hebrew tradition,

386. we're only allowed to light one candle

387. on Fran's birthday cake.

388. But I forget what that means.

389. It's in the Torah.

390. It's very sacred.

391. Roberta, Ernest,

392. you'll always be welcome here

393. and you'll always be part of our family.

394. Yes.

395. Why don't you two join us and the children for dinner

396. and we'll continue this conversation.

397. Listen, Ernie, is there anything that I can do

398. to get on Bert's good side?

399. Well, is there a Wiley's for Ribs around here?

400. She's wild for the onion loaf.

401. Listen, you guys,

402. I want you to know that I love these children

403. so very much

404. and I promise you

405. that I am going to provide them

406. with a warm, loving,

407. and most of all, stable environment.

408. What time do you open?

409. Oh, please, Niles, take pity on her.

410. She's old, she's lonely,

411. she's losing her mind.

412. It's just one night. One dinner.

413. How's it gonna kill you?

414. Oh, all right.

415. But I'm only doing this for you.

416. Thank you.

417. Come on, Babcock, I'll let you buy me dinner.