The Nanny 6x16

Directed by Peter Marc Jacobson

Ann Morgan Guilbert as Yetta Rosenberg • Rachel Chagall as Val Toriello • Renée Taylor as Sylvia Fine • Anne Lambton as Madeline Porter

Niles enlists Fran in an effort to impress C.C. by producing a play.

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1. Yetta, I love you. I gotta go, sweetie.

2. No, you can't talk to them now.

3. Okay, here they are.

4. Oh, we need to talk. I've got such exciting news.

5. Uh, calm down, calm down.

6. They're not geniuses. That was Niles talking.

7. Okay, I'm gonna go now. I love you too.

8. Bye.

9. What is the one thing that separates me

10. from all the successful people in this world?

11. Success?

12. - This. - Oh, no.

13. You didn't write another Seinfeld episode, did you?

14. Sweetie, it's over.

15. No, no, no. No, this is a new play.

16. A friend of mine wrote it and it's wonderful.

17. - Oh. - I'm going to show it to Mr. Sheffield,

18. he'll love it, produce it,

19. I'll be his partner, become rich,

20. and finally be able to get out of this stinking,

21. rotten excuse for an existence.

22. Not that it hasn't been a blast.

23. - Good morning. Oh, sir.

24. I got something very important to discuss with you.

25. And I know you'll listen since you have great respect for my opinions.

26. Oh, uh, by the way, have you scraped off my riding boots like I asked?

27. Yes, yes.

28. Sir, I have discovered a wonderful new play

29. - that I would consider selling— - Hmm?

30. Okay, giving, to Sheffield/Babcock Productions

31. - in exchange for becoming a partner. - What?

32. Okay, co-part— Associate. Junior. Assistant.

33. All right, I'll fetch the lattes.

34. But we are partners, old man.

35. I run the business, you run the home.

36. I'm good at my specialty, you are wonderful at yours.

37. Now, you wouldn't want to go and fiddle with what I consider

38. to be one of the most successful partnerships

39. everyone has ever known, would you?

40. No, of course not, sir. Thank you, sir. Goodbye, sir.

41. Thank you.

42. - Oh, well, I lost that exchange, didn't I? - Oh, yes, sir.

43. Well, forget it. What was I thinking?

44. She's only ever going to think of me as just a domestic.

45. - Who? - Oh, no one.

46. Niles, are you doing all this to impress a woman?

47. Well, maybe. A little.

48. Sorta. Kinda.

49. - Oh, are you in love? - Oh, maybe.

50. A little.

51. Sorta. Kinda.

52. But I'm... I'm just dreaming.

53. There's no way that she would ever consider me.

54. Oh, no, you're not still writing to Petula Clark, are you?

55. Oh, no, no, no. This... This isn't an infatuation.

56. No, this is deep.

57. I think... I think this might really be it.

58. - Well, have you told her how you feel? - Oh, God, no.

59. Well, you gotta let her know.

60. I mean, what woman wouldn't be thrilled

61. - to have you in her life? - Oh.

62. Hello, hello.

63. Niles, I have been buzzing for over an hour.

64. What do I have to do

65. to get some milk for my coffee?

66. Hover over a bucket.

67. You find that funny?

68. No, I'm laughing at the way

69. that little thing under his chin

70. jiggles back and forth when he talks.

71. What is this, foreplay?

72. Uh, Ms. Babcock, let me have a word with you.

73. You know, if you wanna have

74. a long-term relationship with a man

75. you know, other than my husband...

76. Let me give you a little bit of advice.

77. - We're friends. - Nanny Fine,

78. I may have to accept the fact

79. that you snagged my boyfriend

80. and are about to breed what should be my babies.

81. C.C.

82. My babies!

83. You do realize that's my wife

84. you're speaking to, don't you?

85. Of course.

86. I just didn't know you were standing right behind me.

87. Well, this animosity has been going on

88. far too long, C.C.

89. And frankly, I'm sick of it.

90. Now, either you make friends and get along with my wife,

91. or there's no place for you in our home

92. and I'll have to dissolve our partnership.

93. Ooh!

94. Maxwell, I was just funning with her.

95. We're friends, just like I was

96. with your first wife Sally.

97. - Sara. Sara!

98. I love the smell of Nair that lingers when she leaves a room.

99. Who are you?

100. Are you telling me that all those years that

101. you put dishwater in her coffee

102. and changed her lip balm for glue stick,

103. and called her a cow, you were flirting?

104. What? No good?

105. Oh, Niles, why don't you just tell her how you feel?

106. Oh, God, no. Not until I have a successful career.

107. A substantial income. A home.

108. - Oh, God. - What?

109. She's never gonna know.

110. Well, here's what you're gonna do.

111. You are going to produce this play yourself, mister.

112. And I am going to help you.

113. Because you're my friend and I love you, and I want you to be happy.

114. Is this your way of telling me

115. that you've upped the number of baby shower guests

116. I'm going to have to cook for to 75?

117. Well, maybe. Kinda. Sorta. 100.

118. Okay, partner, the first thing

119. you need to do is read the play

120. and tell me what you think.

121. Very good. Great. I'll do that.

122. You know, it's so heavy.

123. I don't need to read it. If you say it's great, it's great.

124. Now, come on, if you're going to be a producer,

125. you have to do the work.

126. You're right. Okay.

127. I'll have Gracie read it.

128. Hey, uh, kid.

129. Listen, I really screwed up with your old man.

130. And I need your help to weasel back into his good graces.

131. Uh, why should I help you?

132. I'll give you $10,000.

133. Okay.

134. - It's Grace. - Oh, thank you.

135. Wait a minute. I don't want you.

136. You're the little one. I want the big one.

137. - Uh, Maggie. - What?

138. I was right?

139. You know, I have always felt a special closeness to you.

140. I watched you grow up.

141. I danced at your wedding.

142. Did you have a good time?

143. Well, let's just say, I didn't go home alone.

144. She's never been married.

145. Where's the boy? Where's the boy? Oh, oh, Trevor.

146. Yeah.

147. I was right again?

148. Listen, I have always felt a special closeness to...

149. Ah, should be here.

150. - How's it going, partner? - Oh, terribly.

151. Bernadette Peters' agent wouldn't even take my call.

152. They've never heard of me. Me, Niles.

153. They do backflips for me at the A&P.

154. Well, I've been watching Maxwell and Ms. Babcock do this for years.

155. We're gonna have to do what they do to get things done.

156. - What's that? - We'll use their names.

157. But then people will think that we're them.

158. Hello?

159. Or should I say, "Hello, hello."

160. And you'll have to be Maxwell.

161. - Can you do an English accent? - I'll try.

162. Oh, but we still have one big problem.

163. We can't afford to send a messenger

164. to give the scripts out to people to read.

165. What are we gonna do for money?

166. Oh, no. I mean, it's one thing to steal their names,

167. but it's very, very wrong to use his business account.

168. - Mmm. - I'll use our joint account.

169. Yeah. That's what I'll do.

170. You know, Maxwell gave me full access to that.

171. Oh, how much is in there?

172. Not a lot. He says that I'm not good with money.

173. And everybody knows that you have the first penny that you ever earned here.

174. Well, that will pay for the messenger.

175. Well, we'll worry about that later.

176. - Get into your position. - What position?

177. - Your Maxwell position. - Oh.

178. - Well, I'll just call that agent right now.

179. Hello?

180. Uh, yes. This is Sheffield/Babcock Productions.

181. And Mr. Sheffield has a property

182. and he would like to speak with Bernadette Peters' agent.

183. ASPCA.

184. One moment, please.

185. "One moment, please." This is gonna be a piece of cake.

186. Oh, C.C., you're brilliant.

187. - Oh, Maxwell. - Ah.

188. We make such a great couple.

189. But I know I can't compete

190. with that gorgeous sexy brunette you married.

191. Ooh.

192. I got you.

193. We knew you were coming in here.

194. - You see, I told you he wouldn't find this funny. - Yeah, he said it.

195. - Now, if you don't mind, I have work to do. - Okay.

196. It was her idea.

197. It was his idea.

198. Oh, would you look at you, Mr. Producer man.

199. Oh, C.C. is gonna be so major league turned on when she sees you.

200. You know, women love powerful men.

201. Strong, confident.

202. - What's that smell? - Nice, huh?

203. I lemon-Pledged all the folding chairs.

204. Well, we'll just leave that part out.

205. You know, I've been thinking. This is such a star vehicle.

206. I... I really wish we'd been able

207. to get a bigger name than Madeline Porter.

208. Why? She's a huge soap star.

209. Didn't you ever watch Edge of Life?

210. Of course, 30 years ago before it was canceled.

211. What has she done since that?

212. This.

213. Hello, darlings. Oh, sorry I'm late.

214. I was held up at lunch.

215. Oh, Ms. Porter, did you enjoy the script?

216. Oh, I didn't read it.

217. Much too heavy.

218. This is ridiculous.

219. No one is going to buy that she is a 24-year-old ingénue.

220. Oh, sure they will.

221. We can't afford any lights.

222. But, you know, my Uncle Heffy

223. is supplying us with the tickets.

224. And they turn into sponges when you wet 'em.

225. Wouldn't it be ironic if this was a big hit and they got all the credit?

226. And we were the best things that ever happened

227. to Sheffield/Babcock Productions.

228. Maxwell Sheffield and C.C. Babcock?

229. Uh, you know what they look like?

230. - No. - Then, yeah, sure, that's us.

231. - This is for you. Oh, thank you.

232. - What is it? - Mmm.

233. "Sheffield/Babcock Productions is hereby notified

234. that they are in violation of city codes," a bunch of numbers...

235. "Hereby ordered to pay a fine of $250,000."

236. Go pick up my dry cleaning, put gas in the limo,

237. and bring me a double decaf cappuccino.

238. What are you yelling at him for? We're the ones in trouble.

239. Oh, just clinging to my final moments as a producer.

240. Well, on the bright side,

241. there are still two theater codes that we didn't violate.

242. Oh, no, I'm wrong.

243. What am I going to do?

244. All the dreams I had of impressing Ms. Babcock have gone up in smoke.

245. Oh. Why don't you just tell her how you feel?

246. I mean, maybe she's got more depth than you give her credit for.

247. Listen, people don't have to be in the same position in life

248. - to fall in love. - Well, that's certainly true.

249. Mr. Sheffield fell in love with you

250. - when you were just a nanny. - That's right.

251. And you didn't have any formal education

252. or fit into his circle of friends.

253. Yeah, but I could fit into a size 2 mini skirt

254. and that kind of gave me an edge.

255. But that's not the only reason he fell in love with me.

256. I let him know how I felt.

257. Every chance you got.

258. For five long years.

259. Well, since you're so used to telling him things,

260. are you going to tell him that we cost his company a quarter of a million dollars?

261. Yes, I am. But with one little change.

262. I'm gonna blame the whole thing on you.

263. - Well, I can't take the risk anymore.

264. - I can't fit into a size 2 nowadays. - Mmm.

265. There's Ms. Babcock. - Go talk to her.

266. - No, what do I say? - Now. Go.

267. Tell her how you feel.

268. - I love you. Nothing. - What?

269. Nanny Fine, you look so pretty.

270. Mrs. Sheffield, I love the way...

271. Oh, I cannot do this.

272. I have got to find some way to not hate you

273. or Maxwell is just gonna kick me out on my butt.

274. All right, from now on, no matter what you say,

275. no matter what you do, I am going to treat you with courtesy and respect.

276. - No matter what? - No matter what.

277. Even if you're totally justified in hating me?

278. Yep.

279. Niles and I used your names to produce a play of our own

280. and ended up getting Sheffield/Babcock Productions sued

281. for a quarter of a million dollars.

282. I'm gonna kill you, you stupid, useless, big head...

283. Angel, what lucky babies.

284. Look how nicely the two of you are getting along.

285. Now, that's very nice, C.C. You keep it up.

286. Okay. Here's the deal, Ms. Babcock.

287. If you help me and Niles out of this jam,

288. I will tell Maxwell that you're being nice to me

289. and you really don't have to be.

290. I've got a better idea.

291. Why don't I just wait for Maxwell to find out

292. that you used his name to produce a play,

293. and then I won't have to worry about liking you

294. because he'll despise you as much as I do.

295. Oh, it's gonna be a bloodbath.

296. I don't know what he sees in her.

297. Fran, I'm a really bad actor. He's gonna see right through this.

298. It's not fun. Don't.

299. - Tell him what I told you to say. - Please, please, please.

300. Um, Dad, uh, you know,

301. Fran's in the living room crying

302. and I think she really needs some...

303. Comfort. Oy.

304. Comfort. Oy.

305. Oh, the poor thing.

306. She's feeling a little more emotional these days because of the pregnancy.

307. Thank you.

308. Fran, darling, what's the matter? Is anything wrong?

309. Did one of the children do something?

310. Did I do something?

311. Oh. Are you feeling a little bit neglected?

312. - Mmm. - Oh.

313. Because I'm so busy working on this sitcom?

314. - Yeah. - Oh, darling, I'm sorry.

315. It's just, there are so many things to take care of

316. before this move to California.

317. I've never produced a television show before.

318. - Mmm. - You know what I think?

319. I think you need to get out there a little more.

320. Have some fun. Go create some new projects for yourself.

321. Uh... And you wouldn't mind if I... I did that?

322. No, of course not, my darling.

323. I'd fully support you in anything you wanted to do.

324. Anything?

325. You what?

326. She told him.

327. Oh, this just isn't right.

328. She's in there taking all the blame herself.

329. - She's such a good friend. Niles!

330. - Thank you. Thank you so much. - Bravo. Bravo.

331. Thank you. Aw.

332. What a glorious opening night. I wish I could stay.

333. Oh. Do you have another party to go to?

334. No, I've got to refill the sugar dispensers for the morning rush.

335. Oh, okay.

336. Would you care for a donut, Yetta?

337. None of these have bones in them, do they?

338. No. The bear claws might.

339. Oh, sweetie, I really like this whole producing thing.

340. I think that maybe we should become a team.

341. I mean, you gotta admit, I was pretty good at it.

342. Uh, well... Well, darling, you almost cost me a quarter of a million dollars.

343. I had to come down here and fix everything myself.

344. Oh, well, what kind of a team would we be

345. if we both screwed up?

346. - Niles. Niles. - Mmm.

347. You're a successful producer and you're standing over here.

348. Mmm-hmm.

349. There's Ms. Babcock, the woman that you love over there.

350. - Mmm. Oh! - Not good.

351. - Go ahead. - Oh.

352. I don't know what to say. I...

353. I'm as giddy as a school girl.

354. Yeah, well, don't open with that.

355. Niles, listen to me.

356. I'm your friend and I love you.

357. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering.

358. Carpe diem.

359. Ms. Babcock.

360. Well, I gotta admit, you surprised me tonight.

361. You finally pulled off something bigger than your shorts.

362. Oh, yeah? Well, you...

363. You're a... You walk like a...

364. Marry me.

365. Ma, come on.

366. Morty's waiting in the car.

367. I'm coming.