1. I cannot believe
my mother is having an affair.
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2. I'm having palpitations.
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3. I'm having palpitations.
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4. Darling, seeing a doctor
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5. does not necessarily mean
they're being intimate.
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6. Oh, please, when I see a man,
you don't think
I'm intimate with him?
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7. Not if he sees you.
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8. You know, sweetheart,
I went through the same thing
with my parents.
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9. It's totally
beyond your control.
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10. Why aren't you as shocked as me?
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11. Well, I'm, you know, European.
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12. Things are a little more
accepted there.
It's looser. It's freer.
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13. It's, uh, so wrong.
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14. Well, my mother is not European.
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15. She's a middle-aged Jewish yenta
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16. that should be going
to see a doctor
for intestinal problems.
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17. That I can believe.
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18. I just heard about the affair.
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19. Oh, don't worry, Franny,
your father's a very good man.
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20. Sylvia wouldn't throw that away
for some fling.
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21. Exactly. Yetta's
absolutely right.
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22. I'm sure this thing
with your mother
and her doctor won't last.
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23. My daughter's dating a doctor?
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24. Whoo-hoo.
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25. Oh, doctor...
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26. I am so flattered, but I have to
tell you the truth.
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27. I am wearing a little makeup.
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28. No.
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29. You've changed your hair,
haven't you?
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30. Did it get lighter from the sun?
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31. Yeah, the sun.
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32. You know, I notice every little
thing about you.
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33. Including how much you love...
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34. Oh, my God!
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35. Samples!
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36. Cotton swabs!
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37. Oh, Handi Wipes.
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38. Antibacterial ointment.
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39. Oh, you are so extravagant.
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40. You know, my daughter is giving
me the third degree about you.
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41. Hmm. She can't wait to meet you.
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42. Are your kids doing the same
about me?
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43. Oh, no.
My daughters respect my privacy.
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44. They know that when I'm ready
I'll introduce you.
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45. They would never intrude
in my private life.
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46. So, Miss Blodgett,
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47. what are your symptoms?
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48. Well, I'm sick and I'm nauseous.
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49. I think I had some bad Italian
at an affair.
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50. Uh-huh.
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51. - Well, let's try
your reflexes first.
- Okay.
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52. Sorry. You know how weird
those nerve connections can be.
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53. Um...
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54. I'm gonna look in your ear.
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55. Do I need to put on a cup?
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56. - Is that your family over there?
- Yeah.
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57. - You have a lovely wife.
- I did.
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58. I lost her nine years ago.
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59. Oh, I'm so sorry.
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60. Wow, did I say nine years?
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61. I can't believe
it's been that long.
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62. This picture we took
on our last anniversary.
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63. We went to Hawaii.
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64. Oh, yeah, it was so dark
and you were so tan.
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65. That's Don Ho.
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66. Your wife was very beautiful.
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67. - She was, wasn't she?
- Yeah.
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68. You know what you miss the most?
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69. The little things.
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70. Her perfume, her laugh.
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71. The look on her face
whenever I would surprise her...
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72. with tickets
for a Sunday matinee.
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73. You mean, you didn't spend
your Sundays
sitting in front of the TV
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74. spitting out peanut shells
watching the football game?
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75. My wife hated sports.
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76. So I gave them up.
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77. If you didn't wanna direct
my school play,
why did you say yes?
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78. Because you asked me
before they were married
and pregnant,
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79. and I thought I still had a shot
with your daddy.
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80. Maxwell, will you tell her
the director is god?
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81. She's rehearsing us
until two in the morning.
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82. It's because you stink.
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83. C.C., what do you expect when
you choose Antony and Cleopatra
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84. for a grammar school?
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85. How hard is it to play
a pushy broad
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86. who runs around half naked
with too much makeup?
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87. Have you learned nothing
from your mother?
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88. You're all off script tomorrow,
or you're out.
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89. Talk.
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90. - Help me.
- Oh, sweetheart.
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91. You open Saturday
and you're still not off script?
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92. All right.
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93. Well, this is just great.
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94. The kid playing the messenger
is grounded for cheating.
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95. All I did was slip him a few
answers so he could get
to rehearsal on time.
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96. C.C., can't you just cast
some other kid in the part?
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97. Who? He was perfect.
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98. He looked like
a weak, tired old man
beaten down by life.
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99. Who am I gonna find
to play a part like that?
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100. What?
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101. Maxwell, wouldn't Niles be
perfect
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102. for that part
in our sitcom in L.A.?
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103. Me? What part?
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104. Oh, if only there were a way
I could see him on stage first.
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105. Me? What part?
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106. C.C., I don't think
this is a very good idea.
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107. Oh, you're always trying
to hold me back.
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108. You're just terrified
that people are gonna find out
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109. that someone in this house
has more talent than you.
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110. You know what? Break a leg.
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111. Oh, honey, we are
in so much trouble.
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112. This guy that Ma is seeing,
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113. he's handsome, he's romantic,
he's a doctor.
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114. He could park wherever he wants.
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115. Daddy would have an affair
with him.
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116. Sweetheart, are you sure
your mother isn't just
going through a phase?
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117. I would like a word in private
with Miss Blodgett, please.
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118. How dare you interfere
with my affairs?
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119. Affairs?
How many you having, Ma?
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120. Why are you doing this to me?
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121. I have never interfered
in your personal life.
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122. Oh, please!
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123. Let there be a witness.
No one will believe this.
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124. Ma, how could you
do this to Daddy?
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125. Don't you realize
how much he loves you?
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126. Darling, the only time
your father looks at me
with desire in his eyes
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127. is when I'm holding a chicken.
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128. You know what he gave me
for my birthday?
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129. A standing rotisserie
that drips the fat off.
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130. Is that stupid or what?
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131. I thought you'd like it.
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132. Fran, your father doesn't
talk to me anymore.
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133. If at least he fought with me,
that's life.
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134. But indifference,
I can't live with that.
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135. But, Ma,
if you and Daddy have problems,
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136. why don't you go see
a professional?
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137. I am.
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138. Fran, you're my daughter
and I love you,
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139. but you have no idea
what I'm going through.
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140. Ma, I'm sorry, but I cannot
and I will not accept this.
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141. Then you and I
no longer have anything left
to say to each other.
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142. Oh, yes, there is.
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143. That fatless rotisserie
was a great gift!
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144. - Well, what happened?
- I just broke up with my mother.
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145. You know, I'm very impressed
with how you're handling
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146. the fact that your mother
decided to show up.
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147. Well, honey,
I'm a big enough person
to set my differences aside.
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148. Today's day is all about Gracie.
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149. Tell me, messenger,
what news bring you from Caesar?
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150. Tell her that she is
not going out for Chinese
with us after.
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151. Tell her that I would be happy
to get it to go.
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152. Would you two be quiet?
My son is in this play, too.
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153. Big deal. What is he playing?
The camel?
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154. And don't you yell
at my daughter.
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155. She's pregnant
with my new grandchildren.
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156. Yeah.
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157. Yeah.
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158. Tell her that when her
morning sickness kicks in
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159. a little warm seltzer
would help.
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160. - Oh, my mother always said...
- Tell her!
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161. Warm seltzer helps.
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162. Tell her thank you.
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163. I ask you, messenger,
what news bring you from Caesar?
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164. That big kid stinks.
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165. Oh, there's my adorable husband.
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166. You know, honey, I am so glad
that you set up your office
here at the house.
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167. Well, she made up
with her mother, so now she's
gonna nudge the father.
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168. So if I don't get out of here
soon, she's gonna ask
me to do something.
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169. Ooh, I'll make up a meeting.
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170. a wonderful husband you are.
So, what do you say?
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171. Will you stick around
and help me out with Daddy?
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172. Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.
I'm afraid I have a meeting.
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173. Oh, uh, you know, they called
and canceled that meeting.
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174. Oh. Oh, well, in that case,
I'm free as a bird.
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175. She canceled my fake meeting.
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176. I'll get it. I'll get it.
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177. - Hi, Daddy.
- Hello, sweetheart.
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178. What's in the bag?
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179. Hey, I'm no idiot.
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180. There's a lot of thieves
out there that want these.
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181. Daddy, they don't even want
the car.
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182. Come, sit down.
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183. - Hey, you're looking
pretty good, kiddo.
- Thank you.
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184. So, what's up?
You invite Daddy to brunch,
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185. you got something
on your mind, huh?
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186. Something bothering you?
I can always tell.
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187. Come on, sit on Daddy's lap,
and tell me all about it.
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188. - Come on. Tell me all about it.
- Daddy. Daddy,
Dad, I'm pregnant.
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189. Daddy, Daddy.
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190. Well, you know, this weekend
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191. is yours and Mommy's
40th wedding anniversary.
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192. - Yeah.
- And I was just thinking
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193. maybe the four of us could
go out for dinner and dancing
at the Skylight Room.
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194. What would I do there?
I wouldn't know what to do
in a place like that.
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195. I don't fit in there.
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196. Sure you do, Daddy.
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197. You're eating the paper
off the muffin.
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198. Plus...
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199. you would make Mommy very happy
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200. and you wouldn't even
have to buy her a gift
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201. because you can give her
like a real fantasy night.
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202. Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
We don't get into
that kinky stuff.
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203. One time we ate cheesecake
off each other in bed.
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204. But, that's only
because nobody wanted
to get up for a napkin.
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205. I'm talking about being
debonair, romantic.
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206. Send her flowers. Fawn over her.
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207. Are you crazy?
If I sent your mother flowers
for no reason,
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208. she'd think I'm fooling around.
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209. Daddy, take the risk.
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210. I think Mommy's feeling
just a little bit
underappreciated.
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211. Oh, you're talking crazy talk.
Your mother's
a very happy woman.
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212. She's not, Dad.
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213. Bringing home a case
of Heinz vegetarian beans
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214. does not a happy woman make.
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215. Franny, come on. You don't know
what you're talking about.
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216. Dad, she was over here.
She talked to me.
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217. She's not happy.
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218. Did she mention the beans
specifically?
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219. Would you genug
with the beans, already?
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220. You're gonna lose her, Pop.
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221. I mean, if you don't smarten up,
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222. you are gonna end up spending
the rest of your life
without her.
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223. Now, is that what you want?
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224. No, of course not.
I mean, we're a team.
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225. Morty and Sylvia.
We belong together.
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226. All right. Well, then here's
what you're gonna do.
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227. You're gonna go out with us
to the restaurant.
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228. We're gonna celebrate
your anniversary, and you are
gonna romance your wife.
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229. Okay. You got a deal.
Just let me know when,
that's all.
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230. It's Saturday night.
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231. Saturday? Hey.
The Islanders are playing.
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232. Daddy!
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233. All right, all right.
I'll tape, I'll tape, I'll tape.
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234. - Hello.
- Hello.
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235. Heard you laid
a big egg last night.
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236. Oh, this place is so romantic.
Isn't it, Daddy?
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237. Huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
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238. Sylvia, how about—?
How about I order
a skirt steak for two?
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239. Morty, this is
a fancy restaurant.
They don't have skirt steak.
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240. I'd like a Beef Ellington.
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241. Oh, God, they're talking
about skirt steaks.
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242. How embarrassing.
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243. Just order Beef Ellington
for the table.
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244. Say, Morty,
I bet every man in the place
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245. wishes he could change places
with us right now.
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246. Why?
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247. I'm sitting under a vent here.
It's blowing on me.
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248. Sylvia, you wanna switch?
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249. Daddy!
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250. What? What?
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251. Your mother's got hot flashes.
She'd like a breeze.
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252. Besides, I want
the most beautiful woman
in this restaurant
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253. to be comfortable.
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254. What?
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255. I'm trying to be nice.
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256. Well, cut it out.
It's unsettling.
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257. Sylvia, I'm trying
to treat you special.
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258. - Why now all of a sudden?
- Because—
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259. Because she said I should.
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260. Franny, this is no good.
This isn't me.
I'm not comfortable.
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261. I gotta get out of here.
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262. - Did you say something
to your father?
- No.
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263. He did.
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264. Daddy, Daddy, come out here.
I need to talk to you.
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265. Oh, excuse me.
Oh, your fly's open, sir.
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266. Daddy, I have to talk to you.
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267. Oh, my God.
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268. What are you doing here?
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269. - I was just walking by.
- You know each other?
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270. Yes. This is the doctor
that Mommy's been seeing
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271. uh, because she's got,
you know, that...
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272. - that, she's got—
- Carpal tunnel syndrome.
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273. Carpal tunnel syndrome.
Carpal tunnel syndrome.
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274. Daddy, who's been married
to my mother for 40 years,
this is Dr. Razzo.
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275. - How do you do?
- What do you say?
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276. Hey, look. Look, Franny,
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277. I'm sorry that your
mother's upset with me.
I really am.
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278. Look, I'm just not
the kind of guy she needs
or wants anymore.
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279. Your mother's at the point
of her life, I think...
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280. Your mother needs
somebody like—
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281. Somebody like a guy like this.
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282. No, she doesn't. She does not.
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283. Dad, don't you love Mommy?
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284. Of course I love Sylvia.
I'm crazy about her.
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285. So look, I forget things
once in awhile.
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286. I forget things like birthdays.
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287. I forget to talk to her
during the commercial.
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288. But she's got to know
how much I care about her.
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289. Daddy— And I meant him.
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290. How is she going to know
if you don't tell her?
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291. You are gonna lose her,
you know?
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292. Some other guy could come along.
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293. You know, I think that you guys
have exceeded the amount of time
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294. two men should stay
in a men's room.
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295. No, no, no. Let him finish.
Go ahead.
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296. Some other guy could come along
and tell Sylvia...
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297. all the things
she really wants to hear
from you.
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298. Come on, Daddy.
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299. Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
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300. I know you don't see this
right now, but trust me,
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301. someday you'll thank me
for this.
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302. Sylvia.
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303. Sylvia, I don't wanna lose you.
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304. I'm sorry if I didn't do
or say the things that...
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305. made you feel like you
were appreciated. I'm sorry.
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306. I don't know where the hell
our 40 years have gone.
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307. I look at you and I see a sweet
little 16-year-old girl...
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308. behind the candy counter
at Woolworths.
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309. You're wearing
a pale blue dress.
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310. And you're eating
that chocolate-covered cherry
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311. with the juice
dripping down your mouth.
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312. It was marzipan.
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313. You remember my blue dress?
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314. I remember
a lot of things, Sylvia.
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315. I just don't know
why you don't know how I feel.
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316. I'll tell you now, Sylvia. I—
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317. Oh, God, I love you.
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318. Morty, I love you too. I just—
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319. I just don't feel
special anymore.
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320. Our life is like...
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321. There are no surprises anymore.
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322. No surprises, huh?
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323. You want a surprise?
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324. I'll give you a surprise.
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325. Well, I don't think you have to
worry about your mother
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326. leaving your father anymore.
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327. What?
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328. Why don't you ever sing to me?
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329. You got a lousy review
in a grammar school news flyer.
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330. Get over it.
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331. Do you think my British accent
sounds fake?
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