The Nanny 6x12

1. Oh, this is so exciting.

2. Grace is applying to the Eastside School for the Gifted?

3. You know, you won't be the first member of the Fine family to attend.

4. Your Aunt Celia spent three years there.

5. Ma, she worked in the lunchroom.

6. And she got fired for giving free lunches

7. to a lady who tried to pass herself off as an eighth-grader.

8. Meanwhile, with my little pigtails and my little plaid skirt,

9. I was adorable.

10. You know, Sylvia, tomorrow we're having the headmistress of the school over

11. for a fancy-schmancy Music Appreciation Day.

12. Fran's trying to schmooze her because she's a big macher.

13. And now that she's bilingual, we'll slide right in.

14. Oh, what time are you gonna start?

15. Because I could stop by on my way to the beauty parlor.

16. No, Ma, I don't think that's such a good idea.

17. Why?

18. Well, because A, they would meet you,

19. and B, they would meet you before you went to the beauty parlor.

20. Meanwhile, if you wanna get Grace in,

21. you should give a big, generous donation.

22. Your Uncle Louie has a garage full of illegal cable boxes.

23. Oh, well, I can always join a gang.

24. Darling, you'll never guess who I just bumped into.

25. Remember my friend Rodney Pembrook?

26. All those zany stories I used to recount?

27. Oh, the recounting we did.

28. You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?

29. Not a clue.

30. I'm sorry, honey. I only really started paying attention after you proposed.

31. - Come on, we went to Oxford together. We were like brothers. - Oh.

32. He comes from one of wealthiest families in London.

33. Is he single? Because your sister's not that happy with her husband lately.

34. Oy, we're both married and she's still trying to trade up.

35. Oh, Niles, guess what. We're gonna have company.

36. Heh. Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me.

37. Yes, Rodney Pembrook from Oxford. Oh, my God.

38. Do you remember New Year's Eve, freshman year

39. we were sick all over the room,

40. and then some idiot forgot to turn the bathtub off and flooded the place?

41. I think that was you, wasn't it?

42. No, but you remember the next morning when you woke up

43. - and it was all spotless again? - Uh.

44. That was me.

45. I think we're really making a good impression on the headmistress.

46. Wait till she hears me sing "Don't Rain On My Parade."

47. Mrs. Sheffield, where I have seen this pianist before?

48. Do I know him from the recital hall at Juilliard?

49. Oh, no.

50. The atrium at Macy's.

51. You know, Mrs. Sheffield, I'm... I'm very curious

52. about your background and education. We haven't discussed it.

53. You know, I... I had wonderful experiences at private school

54. and, uh, some of my fondest memories were with my classmates.

55. Who?

56. Tootie, Blair and Natalie.

57. You know, uh, Grace's father is from England

58. and he went to private school as well.

59. Yes, I'm looking forward to meeting your husband.

60. Where's my little coochy coo?

61. Hey, sexy, come on.

62. Move those beautiful legs over here and come say hello to Rodney.

63. Pardon, doll.

64. Honey, honey.

65. You're interrupting my

66. "mother-daughter we got culture in this house" day.

67. What's that? Oh, Rodney, come on in here, you ugly bum.

68. Come on in, you madman.

69. Maxwell, she's breathtaking.

70. Mm.

71. How the devil could you have waited five years to propose to her?

72. - You perfect fool.

73. Oh, thank you, Rodney.

74. And she does funny voices.

75. Darling, darling.

76. You'll never guess what this crazy lunatic did at the club.

77. He ordered us a bottle of white wine,

78. - then switched to red wine... - Right.

79. and ordered fish.

80. Oh, you outlaws, you.

81. Butch, why don't you take Sundance and get some coffee in the kitchen?

82. Oh, uh... No, uh... Have Niles bring it to the office. Uh...

83. Rodney's gonna let me into a very hush-hush deal he's got going.

84. - You know, everything this chap touches turns to gold. Mm-hmm. Oh.

85. - How do you do? - Ow! Ow!

86. Excuse me. It's okay.

87. You know the British. They're so warm and cuddly.

88. I know, why don't I just ring for the butler to replenish us?

89. Yahoo!

90. Sweet lordy Lord, my ship has come in.

91. Uh, Niles, would you mind getting us some tea?

92. It turns out, I had an uncle who died.

93. But wait, it gets better.

94. I've inherited a royal title. I'm rich.

95. Oh, that's so exciting. Did you get the check yet?

96. - No. - Then get the tea.

97. You know, Sylvia, why don't you just take the magazine home?

98. That's not courteous.

99. Ma, what are you doing here?

100. You know, just once I'd like you to say, "Hello. How are you? What's new?"

101. What's gonna be new since this morning

102. when you were sitting here eating breakfast?

103. I since had a nectarine.

104. So did she get into the school?

105. Well, it was only our second interview,

106. and the teacher dropped a word that I didn't understand. Which one was that?

107. - Curriculum. - Oh.

108. She said it was broad-based, and you said, "What do the boys study?"

109. Yeah, right.

110. But, you know, I really think I impressed her

111. when I told her that we were related to Larry Fine.

112. Larry Fine of the Three Stooges?

113. Now, you see, and you thought no one knew.

114. Is he the funny-looking one with the kinky hair

115. - who always acts like a moron? - Yeah.

116. We're not related to him.

117. Yeah, but Ma, we so easily could be.

118. You know, Grace, I didn't get into that school.

119. What makes you think you will?

120. Because I study, I write well, I've maintained a 4.0-grade average.

121. Okay, but If I have the choice between being smart and being good-looking...

122. You'd pick either?

123. Niles.

124. The minute you arrive, you tell that theater owner

125. he better not jack up the rent or next time he'll have to deal with me.

126. Oh, C.C., there's no need to frighten the man.

127. - Where are you going? - Darling, I have to go to London

128. - for an emergency meeting. - What?

129. I'm sorry, but I'm going on the Concorde, so I'll be back tomorrow night.

130. Niles!

131. No, no, I'm not sending you any more money, so stop calling me.

132. If Mommy calls again, I'm not here.

133. Well, if it isn't Jane Austen Powers.

134. Why can't you just be happy for me?

135. Being called "sir" is new to me.

136. You're used to it.

137. Well, Niles, I'm very happy about your newfound title.

138. It must be quite a check. Come on, let's see it.

139. Well, it hasn't come yet.

140. Oh, in that case, go upstairs and pack my bags, would you?

141. Okay. But you'd better watch

142. because after my check arrives, I'll be loaded.

143. Again, just like you.

144. Uh, Niles, I had to let Rodney in.

145. Oh, good, because that will probably be your job now.

146. - Niles. - Sir.

147. Good Lord, the last time I saw you,

148. we were all pheasant hunting.

149. Somebody bagged a bird with the very first shot.

150. That was you.

151. No, no, no. But remember the next night

152. when it was so delicious under glass

153. with the little red potatoes? That was me.

154. - Anyway, if you want some food, the kitchen's that way.

155. You want a drink, follow him.

156. Hello. C.C. Babcock, Maxwell's business partner.

157. Ah, it's a pleasure.

158. Whatever happened to that plump brunette he partnered with after college?

159. I have no idea.

160. - Oh, hi, Rodney. - Oh, Fran, hello.

161. Max left for London without giving me his investments...

162. - Oh! Oh. - ... and I've got a 5:00 deadline.

163. - Can you write me a check? - No. No.

164. - She cannot. - Why not?

165. - You're his wife, aren't you? - Yes, Rodney.

166. Yes, I am.

167. Yes, but I am his business partner, and I am in charge of the money.

168. Yes, but this is a private investment made by Max and myself.

169. Well, I am in charge of that too because you're stupid.

170. Now, Miss Babcock, my husband wants in on this deal

171. and I'm just doing what he would want. How much do you need?

172. An even million was the figure we discussed.

173. A million? Give me that checkbook!

174. Over my dead body. Oh, look, Rodney's checking out your tush.

175. Oh, really?

176. - How many zeroes in a mil? - Six.

177. Oh, wow!

178. Look at that. When you put the smiley faces in,

179. it looks like the Osmond family.

180. - Mrs. Fran Sheffield. - Well, sign away.

181. Because it's the last time you'll use that name.

182. Thank you, Fran. You've just made the deal of a lifetime.

183. Well, you are welcome, sir.

184. Fran, uh, Jocelyn's here. And do you have any idea

185. why Niles would want me to make him a sandwich?

186. Oh, they made him a lord or something.

187. Just humor him, humor him.

188. Hi. - Oh, ta-ta.

189. So good to see you. Let's have lunch.

190. God, I could really go for that Rodney.

191. Well, why don't you? He's handsome, he's single.

192. - He's broke. - What?

193. Darling, everyone in England knows he's penniless.

194. He's gone through his own money and everyone else's.

195. He must be over here looking for new victims.

196. Oh, Maxwell's gonna fire you when he hears you let me write that check.

197. Nanny Fine, maybe you misunderstood the bank.

198. How? They said Rodney already wired the money to Switzerland

199. and it was too late to stop the check.

200. I know. I just wanted to hear it again.

201. Oh, cheer up, Nanny Fine.

202. Whenever I'm depressed,

203. I think about people who are worse off than myself

204. and then I visit them.

205. Hey, Val. How you enjoying your first day of work?

206. Oh, I can't talk.

207. I'm not supposed to have non-doughnut-related conversations.

208. What's with the hair?

209. Oh, it's my marketing strategy.

210. See, I wear it like cinnamon buns, and hence, I sell more.

211. Can I have another cinnamon bun?

212. Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

213. Here's to you, Nanny Fine.

214. It was just a matter of time before you screwed up with Maxwell.

215. I know.

216. Well, look on the bright side.

217. Maybe you can live with one of the kids.

218. Because when I move in, they're out of there.

219. Oh! Why am I such a loser?

220. You got cocky.

221. That'll bring you down every time.

222. Fran, there has got to be a way to get that money back.

223. How, Val? He already converted the million bucks into Francs.

224. Oh, well, once you convert it into hot dogs,

225. well, it's very hard to trace.

226. Loosen your cinnamon buns, would you?

227. Fran, this isn't like you. I've never seen you defeated.

228. Why don't you just go to that Rodney guy and demand your money back?

229. Yeah, you go do that.

230. Take your financial advice from E. F. Muffin.

231. Val, you are right.

232. This isn't me. Accepting doom. Drowning my sorrows in jelly?

233. No. I push this doughnut away.

234. I am going to go to Rodney

235. and demand that he give us our money back.

236. And if all else fails, see if you can get me a job here

237. because I could do a gorgeous French cruller.

238. Good luck, Nanny Fine.

239. You'll get that check.

240. Excuse me.

241. NYPD.

242. Why so blue?

243. - Fran. Come in. - Hi.

244. What a surprise.

245. Can I get you anything?

246. Oh, I don't know. Maybe a cracker, some Gouda,

247. a million bucks?

248. What are you saying? You want your money back?

249. Yes.

250. And the cracker and the Gouda.

251. Well, what happened? I mean,

252. a few hours ago, you thought you were making a good investment.

253. Well, that was before I knew you were broke, and then I started to think

254. maybe it's not such a good investment.

255. Look, Fran, if you're uncomfortable investing with me,

256. I'll write you a check, right now.

257. - I'm uncomfortable.

258. Fran, you've gotta believe me.

259. This was a good investment.

260. I'd never steer Maxwell wrong. He's like a brother to me.

261. Well, then why did you lie to him?

262. And why did you pretend to still be rich?

263. Because I made one bad investment and everyone lost faith.

264. I mean, why are you here?

265. Because you found out I was broke

266. and thought I was a bad risk, right?

267. Yeah, well, maybe.

268. See, you have money. You don't know what it's like to be an underdog.

269. Oh, please, are you kidding me?

270. I was an underdog before Underdog got his own series.

271. You know what it boils down to, Fran?

272. I needed a break.

273. And I knew if Max invested with me,

274. everyone else would follow.

275. But I swear to you,

276. I would never do anything to hurt him.

277. I just needed a second chance.

278. Oh... Well... Oh.

279. So is there anything else I can get you?

280. Well...

281. That Gouda's probably softening up by now.

282. Would you settle for a cinnamon bun?

283. I don't even care for them.

284. But I bought a dozen.

285. Oh, what to do?

286. I wanna give the guy a break but he lied to me.

287. Oh, and you have never lied,

288. Miss I-Went-to-a-Private-School- and-I'm-Related-to-the-Stooges?

289. Well, that was different.

290. I was just trying to get Gracie into a good school.

291. And maybe he just wanted to get his life back on track.

292. You know, you both pretended to be something that you're not.

293. By the way, that lipstick is way too blue for us.

294. Oh, maybe you've got a point.

295. Maybe I should just give the guy a break.

296. I mean, everyone deserves a second chance.

297. If you do this, I'll give you a present.

298. Really? What?

299. How would you like to see what you're going to look like in 30 years?

300. You can do that?

301. Watch me.

302. Oh, my God.

303. - Hi. - Nanny Fine, how did it go?

304. Wait, wait, wait, let me guess.

305. Rodney said, "I'll give you the money back, but you'll miss great investment."

306. And you said, "Oh, keep the million bucks. I believe in you."

307. Yes.

308. - Oh, hello, sweetheart. - Hi, hi.

309. - Hi. - Oh, it's good to be home.

310. Oh, Maxwell, Nanny Fine has a million things to tell you.

311. Well, I've got something to tell you, sweetheart.

312. Rodney is flat broke.

313. Really?

314. I heard all about him in London.

315. Appears he's up to his neck in hock. Heh.

316. Thank goodness I left before I invested any money with him.

317. So, what do you wanna tell me, sweetheart?

318. Well, uh...

319. Rodney came over to the house

320. and I wrote him out a check for the million dollars

321. that you just said you were glad you never gave him.

322. - And? - And the worst part of it is

323. he offered to give it back to me, and I still didn't take it.

324. Uh, no, sweetheart, uh, actually, the worst part of it is

325. that that door doesn't lock from your side.

326. Oh!

327. Okay. Bye.

328. Well, I decided to go with my instincts.

329. You know, follow my heart.

330. I mean, what could possibly go wrong when you...

331. Oh, my God.

332. Oh, my God. Oh, boy.

333. I don't know how you could have trusted that thief.

334. It's a good thing the money doesn't mean that much to you.

335. Let me... try to put this to you

336. - in a language you could understand. - Okay.

337. Uh... do you have any idea

338. - how much one million dollars is, hmm? - Uh... Unh.

339. Oh, about 400,000 cartons of Haagen-Dazs.

340. Ah!

341. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

342. Max, Fran.

343. Where the hell is everything?

344. Back where it belongs. It's amazing what you can rent.

345. Oh, listen to me, Rodney. You owe my wife and me an explanation.

346. - Yeah. - Actually, Maxwell,

347. I owe your wife a big thanks.

348. - Hmm? - Oh.

349. Once everybody heard you'd invested,

350. the money poured in

351. and the deal went down without a hitch.

352. You, my old school friend, have just made yourself 500,000.

353. - Oh, I did? - Yes. Come on.

354. - We'll call your broker.

355. From the kitchen, before they switch the phone off.

356. Oh! You're pretty happy with yourself, aren't you?

357. Oh, you know, all's well that ends well.

358. Just goes to show, you gotta be yourself in this world.

359. Meanwhile, when are you gonna start being yourself

360. with that private school lady, huh?

361. Would you stop already with that?

362. God, has anyone ever told you you're annoying?

363. Just my voice.

364. You know, if you're so concerned,

365. why don't you set things straight with the private school lady?

366. Well, I can't, but if you don't,

367. I can show your husband what you're gonna look like in 30 years.

368. And I'm not related to a Stooge.

369. And I don't personally know Tootie,

370. and the crab I served at the party was crab with a K.

371. But that pianist really was from Macy's.

372. Well, I appreciate your candor,

373. - but unfortunately the committee has decided not to accept Grace. - Huh.

374. We're giving her spot to an underprivileged child from Queens.

375. But I'm from Queens. I'm a total schlub.

376. I have no class.

377. Oh, please take my kid.

378. Oh, I know you're classless, dear,

379. but Grace is still Maxwell Sheffield's daughter

380. and the school has too many children from privileged backgrounds.

381. So are you saying that it's Maxwell's fault

382. that our daughter isn't getting into the school of her dreams?

383. Mm-hmm.

384. Oh, I feel so much better.

385. - Chocolates? - Oh!

386. Worthless.

387. How could I inherit an estate that's worthless?

388. I can't even claim the title,

389. there's so many damn lawsuits against it.

390. Yeah, well, what about me? I already hired six bridesmaids.

391. And the worst part,

392. I maxed out all my credit cards on a new wardrobe.

393. It'll take years to pay them off.

394. Niles, I'm sorry to interrupt, but your break's over.