The Nanny 5x9

1. Franny, read me my horoscope.

2. Okay.

3. "Scorpio.

4. - Tomorrow you will awaken—" - Woo-hoo!

5. What are you woo-hooing? I didn't say anything.

6. I heard "tomorrow" and "awaken." I'm cool.

7. Fran, my philosophy professor has so opened my eyes

8. to realize that my eyes may not even be open.

9. - Well. - I mean, I may not even have eyes.

10. I may not even exist.

11. Yeah, well, according to your father, neither do I.

12. I mean, do you realize that red may not even be red?

13. I mean, blue may not even be blue.

14. Well, thank God gray can still become black,

15. according to my mentor, Lady Clairol.

16. - You know what else Steve says? - What?

17. You call your professor Steve?

18. Just over cappuccinos.

19. You're having cappuccinos with Steve?

20. All right, you're talking too much, honey.

21. Daddy's getting nervous. Shutty-uppy.

22. Well, of course I'm getting nervous.

23. An older, distinguished man, a young, beautiful woman

24. right under his nose, day after day.

25. What do you think's gonna happen?

26. Well, according to my experience, nothing.

27. Miss Fine, I want you to go down to that university

28. and talk to Margaret's professor...

29. Who probably has nothing but sex on the brain.

30. I've had worse assignments.

31. I'm not joking.

32. Oh, come on. Now, what's it gonna look like if I go down there?

33. I mean, the girl's 18 years old.

34. I don't care if she's 35.

35. Which isn't old either.

36. - You are her nanny. Now, go. Please. - All right.

37. I'll go too and pick up a little education.

38. I can only keep Sammy happy in the bedroom for so long.

39. Sooner or later, he's gonna wanna talk.

40. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

41. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

42. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

43. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

44. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

45. She had style, she had flair She was there

46. That's how she became the Nanny

47. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

48. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

49. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

50. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

51. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

52. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

53. I remember when I went to school.

54. I used to walk past the daisy field carrying my little metal lunch pail.

55. Pa was chopping wood—

56. Yetta, Yetta, that's the opening sequence to Little House on the Prairie.

57. Excuse me, are you Professor Steve?

58. Hello.

59. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

60. A grown man taking advantage of innocent, young women.

61. Do you do any private tutoring?

62. Yetta. Yetta. Go wait for me downstairs.

63. Just don't lie down anywhere near Pre-med.

64. Well, Professor Steve, I'm here because Mr. Sheffield is very concerned

65. that you might be paying just a little too much attention to his daughter.

66. Now, I give all of my students special attention.

67. Some of them just misinterpret it.

68. Now, look at these notes that I get. Here.

69. "Dear Steve, I love you. Ashley."

70. "I get lost in your eyes. Karen."

71. "You look sexy when you don't shave.

72. Phillip."

73. Third row. Bette Midler sweatshirt.

74. Well, the point is you're not interested in Maggie,

75. and that's what I came to find out.

76. Now I feel like I earned my six bucks an hour.

77. Oh, wow!

78. What?

79. My horoscope said that I'd meet a beautiful brunette with

80. big brown eyes and an exotic accent.

81. Get out of here.

82. No, see, I'm really into astrology.

83. What's the date and time of your birth?

84. 5:00 pm, November 26.

85. Yeah, Ma had them induce labor

86. so she wouldn't miss the Thanksgiving meal.

87. What year?

88. 1970.

89. Hey, we are so compatible. You wanna get dinner sometime?

90. That's very flattering, but I'm actually seeing...

91. a therapist about this very problem.

92. So I'm not your type, huh?

93. That's so not it.

94. I'm just late for my...

95. Doormats Without Partners meeting.

96. - Well, how about Saturday? - I'm sorry.

97. - Wait. - It's just— What?

98. That's my nephew's bar mitzvah.

99. No, Papa.

100. Why the hell are you watching a Spanish soap opera?

101. Something big just happened.

102. What?

103. I have no idea.

104. Niles, just when I think you are so pathetic,

105. you go and top yourself.

106. Well, I'm sorry, we can't all learn Spanish the way you did.

107. Chasing frightened tourists down the streets of Pamplona.

108. Excuse me, sir. I have to sweep Master Brighton's room.

109. You mean the room with the broken television?

110. I meant the living room.

111. Miss Fine, how did it go with Margaret's professor?

112. - Well, better than I expected. - Wait, wait, wait.

113. I wanna know what happened.

114. Nothing, nothing.

115. He's not at all interested in Maggie.

116. He's interested in me.

117. What? What do you mean he's interested in you?

118. Well, calm down. Just calm down.

119. You know, he asked me out on a date.

120. - I didn't say yes. - Good.

121. I didn't say no either.

122. What? What do you mean you didn't say no?

123. Well, should I have?

124. Well, of course.

125. Why? Do I have any prior engagements?

126. Miss Fine!

127. Mr. Sheffield, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

128. I mean, a man asks me out and I say,

129. "I can't. I'm in a totally monogamous relationship."

130. The only part I leave out is that I'm in it by myself.

131. Miss Fine, what do you want me to say?

132. Well, I would like you to give me one good reason

133. why I should not say yes to this man.

134. I should've thought that was obvious. You want me to go say it—

135. - Please, would you? - Fine, I'll say it.

136. I'll say it. It could hurt Margaret.

137. Well, you know, if this was a cartoon,

138. right now you would be strapped to the back of an Acme moon rocket.

139. Maggie could care less if I go out with Steve.

140. What?

141. How could you do this to me, Fran? I hate you.

142. Oh, God.

143. Now this, right on the heels of Brighton crashing the Mercedes.

144. Oh, my God.

145. We don't own a Mercedes, Miss Fine.

146. - I know you're in there. - Well, move over, Colombo.

147. Maggie, I'm so sorry.

148. I had no idea, by the way you were acting, that you had a crush on Steve.

149. Well, Fran, what am I supposed to do?

150. Parade around in some tight little sweater and throw myself at him?

151. That's so desperate.

152. You know, you kids have no respect for the classics.

153. Honey, you know, if you don't want me to go out with him, just say so.

154. I respect your feelings.

155. Well, I don't want you to go out with him.

156. Well, then I won't go out with him.

157. I love you, and I'd never do anything to hurt you.

158. I love you too, Fran.

159. Then please let me go out with him!

160. I'm gonna grow old and die waiting for your father!

161. You're so young and blonde and rich.

162. You can have a zillion good-looking, goyishe guys.

163. How many gorgeous Jewish guys are there still left that are single at my age?

164. Please, Maggie, let me go out with him.

165. Please!

166. Fran, I guess you do kind of have a point.

167. I mean, it is harder to find a guy at your age...

168. And I am young.

169. And you are old.

170. Okay, you can go out with him.

171. Thank you for your mercy.

172. Thank you.

173. I'm waiting.

174. How's it feel?

175. I'm just gonna forget about Maxwell Sheffield

176. and have a good time.

177. Hi, hi.

178. - Hello. - There, Max.

179. - Hi. - Max.

180. - Easy now, Max. - Max.

181. Easy.

182. Hi. Good doggie.

183. - Max takes a while to warm up to you. - Yeah.

184. I know the breed.

185. - Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. - Thank you. Thanks.

186. - I'm gonna just check on dinner. - Okay, great. Thank you.

187. This whole thing feels so wrong.

188. I'm just gonna make an excuse.

189. I gotta get out of here.

190. I make a killer lasagna.

191. Well, I don't wanna be rude.

192. So, Max.

193. Well, this is freaky.

194. Do you like red wine or white?

195. Blueberry.

196. How did I know that?

197. - Here you go. - Okay.

198. So, Fran...

199. before you got here, I did your chart.

200. And your planets are very well-aligned.

201. Well, actually, one moon is a little lower than the other.

202. I take after my mother.

203. There's that cute little giggle.

204. Well, don't give me too much of this stuff or I'll be laughing all night.

205. So, you need me to help you or anything?

206. No, no, no. I'm doing all the work.

207. You just lie back and don't do a thing.

208. Okay.

209. Okay, Max, you can go now.

210. There's not enough room on this couch for three.

211. All right, let's go. Move it.

212. Max, would you marry me?

213. Works every time.

214. Niles.

215. Niles.

216. Niles, are you awake?

217. Yes, sir. I'm just getting my papers ready for my route.

218. Sorry, old man.

219. Look, do we have any of that microwave popcorn?

220. You see that box right in front of you on the counter

221. marked "microwave popcorn"?

222. Yup.

223. Try that.

224. All righty.

225. And you better not be such a chatterbox.

226. You won't be able to get back to sleep.

227. Niles?

228. - Niles? - What?

229. You didn't have to come all the way down here.

230. - I could have done it myself. - Just give me that.

231. Something troubling you, sir?

232. I miss Fine.

233. I mean, I'm just fine.

234. Whenever I can't sleep it's usually because there's something

235. on my mind that's gnawing at me.

236. - That's making my guts twist. - All right, all right. I admit it.

237. I'm jealous. There, all right?

238. It's driving me crazy, her being out with some other man.

239. I can share these feelings with you because I'm not in love with you.

240. Well, nobody looks good at two in the morning.

241. No, no, no.

242. No. Aye, Carmencita.

243. Carmencita shoot Papa?

244. Si.

245. Is Papa...

246. Muerte.

247. Honestly, do the two of you have nothing better to do than watch this

248. drivel in the middle of the afternoon?

249. Well, you were out rather late last night.

250. I think.

251. Well, I had such a wonderful time with Steve.

252. He made me a delicious dinner, and he rented a video.

253. The Commitments.

254. So are you planning on seeing him again?

255. Yep.

256. I'll get it.

257. Hi. I'm here to see Fran.

258. - You're Steve? - Yeah.

259. Dad.

260. No, no, no. She could still pick you.

261. - Hi, Fran. - Hi, Steve.

262. This is Mr. Sheffield. Mr. Sheffield, this is Steve.

263. You see, I call him Steve, he calls me Fran.

264. We know each other two days.

265. That's all I wanna say.

266. Steve.

267. - Maxwell Sheffield. - Hi.

268. I understand you teach philosophy.

269. - Study of objective thought. - Yes.

270. And yet I hear you're into astrology.

271. The pastime of the tutti-frutti.

272. That's all I wanna say.

273. The boy is right. He is smoking.

274. Hello, Steve. C.C. Babcock.

275. I understand you're a professor and you're going out with Nanny Fine.

276. What's the matter? Research wouldn't give you a chimp?

277. If you didn't have toilet paper on your shoe,

278. I'd be so upset with you right now.

279. So tell me, Steve, what do you wanna do tonight?

280. Fran, I have to break up with you.

281. I was thinking of seeing the Titanic, but apparently I'm already on it.

282. The thing is, I saw my psychic today,

283. and she said I should be in a relationship with a woman older than you.

284. That's ridiculous.

285. Who's older than me?

286. Well, come on. You were born in 1970.

287. I was? Oh, yeah, I was.

288. Give or take a year or six.

289. Look, Fran, I feel terrible about this, but

290. my psychic sees me with a woman in her mid-30s,

291. having kids, getting married,

292. living in a split-level house in Great Neck.

293. What if I told you I was 34?

294. Come on, Fran, I'd never believe that.

295. You're right.

296. Who am I kidding?

297. Niles.

298. Niles.

299. Niles, are you asleep?

300. No, I was just going out to the barn to milk Bessie.

301. Niles, remember last week when I told you to hide

302. that Entenmann's Louisiana Crunch Cake

303. - ... because Ma was coming over— - Just sit down.

304. What's wrong?

305. Well, what kind of an idiot

306. breaks up such a positive relationship just because some dumb psychic said

307. that he should date an older woman?

308. Well, you call the Psychic Friends Network.

309. That is Dionne Warwick. That's an entirely different thing.

310. God knows what kind of a quack he's talking to.

311. Why don't you just tell him how old you really are?

312. Why don't you just take a dip in the Dead Sea with a hemorrhoid?

313. He wants an older woman.

314. Well, he should like me for who I am.

315. Yes, but that's not who you are.

316. Mr. Sheffield accepts that I was born in 1970.

317. Yes, but he knows you're lying.

318. Well, that's my point exactly.

319. He accepts me for the woman I'm really not.

320. Why am I dating these nut jobs anyway?

321. Mr. Sheffield and I belong together.

322. Well, why are you telling me? Go upstairs and tell him.

323. Niles, I'm gonna wake him up at 2:00 in the morning?

324. That is so inconsiderate.

325. I wouldn't do it.

326. Fran, the guy who dumped you is back again.

327. What the hell is he doing here?

328. Well, I don't wanna see him. How's my lipstick?

329. All right, let him in.

330. Hi, Fran.

331. These are for you.

332. Look who's here.

333. Well, did the psychic tell you you'd come crawling back carrying Godivas?

334. Because I could have saved you that 50 bucks.

335. Actually, I just thought you might like them.

336. Phillip left them on my desk.

337. And, Fran, my psychic was right.

338. I've met an older woman who I really like.

339. Well, who cares? I wouldn't date you if you whistled "Dixie."

340. Don't wait up.

341. Miss Fine?

342. - Yes, Mr. Sheffield? - Did I hear Steve?

343. Yes, you did. You know, he was here, but I sent him away.

344. Because I knew that you were so jealous that I was dating him

345. - I didn't want fist-fighting to break out. - Niles told me everything.

346. I'm such a loser.

347. Now I'm lying about two relationships I don't have.

348. Come on, Miss Fine.

349. I tell you what, I'll buy you a drink.

350. Oh, don't forget to bring your ID. Just in case they wanna card you.

351. Mr. Sheffield.

352. Miss Fine.

353. I love you!

354. - Yeah, we love you too, Niles. - We love you too, Niles.

355. Okay, Max, up here.

356. Good boy.

357. Okay, Max, speak. Speak.

358. Good boy.

359. Down, Max. Down, Max.

360. Good boy.

361. Kiss me, Max.

362. If only life were this easy.