The Nanny 5x8

Directed by Dorothy Lyman

Ray Charles as Sammy • Spalding Gray as Dr. Jack Miller • Bryant Gumbel as Bryant Gumbel • Roz Kern as Stage Manager • Lance Reddick as Stage Hand

Yetta's fiancé gets Fran an audition with newsman Bryant Gumbel.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. How lucky is your grandmother, getting married at her age?

2. I mean, do you know the odds of a woman over 35 finding a husband?

3. One in 1245.6.

4. How much do you weigh, Ma?

5. Who can remember numbers?

6. Like a virgin

7. Wow, Yettie. I want whatever you're on.

8. Well...

9. This is for inflammation.

10. This is for spastic colon.

11. And I got an ounce of glaucoma medication

12. that my doctor grew.

13. But I don't use it because it gets me

14. kind of loose.

15. You mean sexually?

16. No.

17. Touched for the very first time

18. Look at her, all atwitter like an 85-year-old schoolgirl.

19. Well, Ma, enjoy it.

20. At least you get to dance at your mother's wedding.

21. Because at the rate that I'm going, you'll be coming to mine in an urn.

22. There, I said it before you did.

23. That's him.

24. - Let me get the door. - Okay.

25. I'm so excited.

26. I feel like flying to him on gossamer wings.

27. I'm coming.

28. Hey, baby.

29. Sameleh.

30. My Yiddish mama.

31. Well, this is a first.

32. Your mouth is open,

33. and there's no chewed-up SnackWell's in it.

34. Ma, when you told us that you were engaged,

35. you neglected to mention that he's black.

36. You're black?

37. That's right.

38. No wonder.

39. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

40. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

41. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

42. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

43. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

44. She had style, she had flair She was there

45. That's how she became the Nanny

46. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

47. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

48. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

49. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

50. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

51. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

52. Dr. Miller, I had the weirdest dream last night.

53. Grandma Yetta was running down a football field,

54. carrying a bridal bouquet,

55. and Count Basie was waiting for her in the end zone,

56. when Miss Piggy comes walking by, carrying a very lean corned beef sandwich,

57. and says, "You are not getting any younger."

58. Clearly the dream indicates that you are bitter and upset

59. at the fact your 85-year-old grandmother is getting married for the second time

60. when you haven't been married once.

61. Really?

62. Now, you see, I just thought I had a thing for jazz and The Muppets.

63. Fran, you have to shift your focus.

64. Now, isn't there anything in your life besides marriage

65. that you're passionate about?

66. Like some inner dream that you've always kept secret?

67. Like my deepest, darkest fantasy?

68. Wanna tell me about it?

69. - Well, it's a little freaky. - That's good.

70. I mean, that's all right.

71. Fran, it's never too late to follow a dream.

72. Now, you've got to stop dwelling on the things

73. that aren't working in your life,

74. and start making the things that you want to happen, happen.

75. You know, doc, you are absolutely right.

76. I'm gonna stop obsessing on wanting to be married

77. and follow my dream. From here on in,

78. I am set out on a path where I'm gonna be

79. a more interesting, mature, independent woman.

80. Maybe then he'll propose.

81. Here's your invitation to Yetta's engagement party at the home.

82. Now, don't be late. Dinner is served promptly at two.

83. I cannot think of a more nauseous-making,

84. mind-numbing evening.

85. - Well, I'm going. - Me too. Where's mine?

86. I'm sorry. The maximum capacity at the home is 640.

87. It was between you and the woman handing out Jimmy Dean samples

88. at the A&P yesterday.

89. I'm not invited?

90. Okay. Fine.

91. Because I've got lots of better things to do.

92. Yetta? Where's my pretty Yetta?

93. Mr. Sheffield, I have decided to pursue my lifelong dream

94. and become a successful career woman.

95. I finally have a direction, a goal, a clear path.

96. I thought, you wanted to get married and have children.

97. Wait, are you asking?

98. Because I could chuck that other pipe dream.

99. Yeah, right. Well, back to my clear path.

100. I am going to become a TV weather girl.

101. I think that's the perfect job for you. You'll be wonderful at that.

102. Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

103. Daddy, I loved my lesson. I wanna become a jockey.

104. I think that'd be a perfect job for you. You'll be wonderful at that.

105. Thank you.

106. What just happened here?

107. You were just humoring me, weren't you?

108. You no more think that I could be a TV weather girl

109. than you think Gracie could be a jockey.

110. Well, of course I do. I mean, you're beautiful and photogenic.

111. And she's short.

112. Mr. Sheffield, I'm not a child.

113. I'm gonna be 30.

114. Now, I can handle honesty.

115. No, Miss Fine. No, you can't.

116. Well, why don't you just try me?

117. I don't think you could be a TV weather girl.

118. Why?

119. Well, let's start with your voice and a microphone.

120. You know, there is a fine line between honest and cruel.

121. Miss. Fine, it's unrealistic.

122. I'm not being cruel, am I, Niles?

123. Absolutely not, sir. She asked for the truth.

124. - Niles. - Sorry, Miss. Fine, Christmas is coming.

125. Well, I know what's going on here.

126. You are just terrified that I might become immensely successful,

127. leave you, and your whole world will fall apart.

128. Well, now, that's a tad arrogant, don't you think?

129. I wouldn't dream of keeping you here just to satisfy my own selfish needs.

130. Oh, really?

131. Well, then I got news for you.

132. There is no hope for us, mister.

133. - All right, what just happened here? - Well, let's review, sir.

134. - If that's my mother, - If that's my mother,

135. - tell her I'm not here. - tell her I'm not here.

136. Hi, Sammy. Hi, Yetta.

137. Fran, I just love your voice.

138. I knew where the house was before I even got out of the car.

139. Hello, Samuel. Mother.

140. Why don't you guys go take a seat in the living room,

141. and we'll catch up with you in a minute.

142. - All right, all right. - Just go take a seat.

143. Well, send up a flare when you get to the couch.

144. Ma, why are you being so cold to them? Is it because he's black?

145. Please. I, of all people, am not prejudiced.

146. You forget, I come from a time

147. when the Jews were kept out of the Oyster Bay Country Club.

148. Just you, Ma. And that's because you stole a steak.

149. You know why I'm upset?

150. - Why? - My father is not even dead 25 years.

151. And already she's running off with another man.

152. They're not running anywhere, Ma.

153. I'm sorry, I just can't accept this.

154. Ma, I also had problems with Yetta getting married before me,

155. but I channeled my anxieties into a new career.

156. And that's what you're gonna have to do.

157. You gotta find something new in your life and then focus on that.

158. I haven't tried the Viennetta log from the Breyers people.

159. Hello, there. Maxwell Sheffield. And you must be Sammy.

160. Yes. And you must be Fran's husband.

161. Warming up to him yet, Ma?

162. I will never accept another man as my father.

163. Sammy, you know, you're a little confused, sweetie. Mr. Sheffield is not my husband.

164. He's just the killer of weather girl dreams.

165. - Would you please get off that, Miss Fine? - You are the killer

166. - I am no such thing. - ... of weather girl dreams.

167. You cannot expect to just walk in off the streets

168. and straight into broadcasting.

169. You know, my nephew works down at the television station.

170. Maybe he can help you out.

171. Well, there's your in, Miss Fine. You think I should look for another nanny?

172. Well, maybe you know him, Bryant Gumbel?

173. - Bryant Gumbel's your nephew? - Papa!

174. You know, Fran, if Bryant Gumbel hires you, doing the weather

175. - could be just the beginning for you. - I know.

176. You know that movie, Up Close & Personal?

177. Michele Pfeiffer started out as a weather girl.

178. And look who she became.

179. - Who? - Well, Michele Pfeiffer for one thing.

180. Yeah.

181. Now, Val, you go over there with the cue cards,

182. and Gracie, you come up with just some cute little news headline.

183. Then throw it over to me in Weather Central.

184. Okay.

185. Today President Clinton and Chinese president Jiang Zemin

186. just signed a pact limiting nuclear proliferation in the Far East.

187. She talks good.

188. And now, let's go to everyone's favorite weather girl, Fran "Fair Skies" Fine.

189. Fran?

190. Thank you, Grace.

191. Well, it's going to be a crisp, delicious day in the tri-state area.

192. My forecast would be to wear something playful and autumn-y.

193. But if you happen to be single and there's a cold front coming, ladies,

194. I would wear this.

195. God willing, you'll get pneumonia

196. and one, two, three, you'll meet a nice doctor.

197. Niles, take out my Canali tuxedo, would you?

198. I have to go down to my lawyer's office.

199. You know, sir, that's right near the studio where Ms. Fine is auditioning.

200. You might want to drop by and ruin everything.

201. Would you just stop it?

202. You really think I'm that insecure? Look, even if Ms. Fine gets this job,

203. it doesn't mean she's necessarily gonna leave us.

204. - Ready, Daddy. - All right, sweetheart.

205. - Lets go over it one more time. - Okay.

206. Fran, I really miss you, and you have to come home

207. because I'm afraid to be alone.

208. Excellent. Excellent.

209. Now, remember, wait for my signal.

210. - Okay. - Got it? Good.

211. You know, I can't believe you're using me to manipulate someone like this.

212. It's so... Fran.

213. Thank you, sweetheart.

214. Bryant Gumbel. Bryant Gumbel.

215. Excuse me?

216. I'm Fran Fine. Uncle Sammy recommended me.

217. Yeah, Fran. You made it.

218. I'm just so glad that we had an opportunity

219. to meet before the wedding.

220. You know, I'm gonna make sure that you're sitting between me and Ma.

221. So you're not surrounded by a bunch of nuts.

222. Lesley Stahl! Lesley Stahl!

223. Lesley, I love you, I love you.

224. Is that her real hair?

225. - So, where's my weather set? - What weather set?

226. You know, the one with the temperatures and the maps and the clouds

227. - that keep rolling over and over again. - Fran, Fran,

228. we don't have a weather set on this show.

229. No weather girl?

230. But that's what I'm here for.

231. Are you sure you don't wanna reconsider?

232. Because I got an Aunt Ida with a Nielsen box.

233. You know, we do have an opening for an editorial commentator.

234. Would you be interested in auditioning for that?

235. Sure.

236. I'd go for editorial commentator. Whatever the hell that is.

237. Lance. Great. Lance?

238. Why don't we get her audition down on tape?

239. - Would you like a hairdresser? - Why?

240. You think it's a little too subdued for TV?

241. Might not fit on TV.

242. Boy, come here.

243. Are you taking anyone to this thing Saturday night?

244. Well, let's see, am I taking a date, or am I taking...

245. - You. - Saturday.

246. Master Brighton, did she ask you to take her with you Saturday?

247. - Yes. - Does she know that you're not going

248. to Yetta's party, but that she'll be helping you man the Klingon booth

249. at the Star Trek convention?

250. No, but I mean, maybe I should tell her. It's just so cruel.

251. It's a wee bit crueler than that, captain.

252. - You ready to do this? - Absolutely.

253. Okay, I'll tell you what we'll do.

254. I will give you a topic off the top of my head,

255. - and you just run with it, okay? - No problemo.

256. Good. Gene therapy.

257. - Gene therapy. Got it. - Gene therapy.

258. Fran Fine test.

259. In five, four, three, two...

260. Hi, I'm Fran Fine.

261. How are you?

262. I'm here to do an editorial commentary on gene therapy.

263. Well, if you want my opinion,

264. I think that there is nothing more therapeutic

265. than slipping into a pair of jeans that make your tush look hot

266. in a pair of ooh-la-la Sassons.

267. Anyhoo, I would just slip into those babies

268. whenever I wanted to lift my spirits or my grade point average.

269. Well, that's it for now.

270. This is Fran Fine signing off, zei gezunt.

271. Go with God.

272. - No... No. No, no, no. - No? Oh, my God. Is it the hair?

273. I knew I shouldn't have tried someone new.

274. Fran, gene therapy is the alteration of our genes by scientists.

275. But why would you go to a scientist when any dry cleaner could put up a hem?

276. - And they've gotta charge more. - Fran, no, no. Not those kind of jeans.

277. DNA, genetics, our cellular infrastructure.

278. Never mind.

279. - Thank you. We'll be in touch. - Thank you, Bryant Gumbel.

280. Uncle or no uncle, I'm having him committed.

281. Excuse me.

282. I'm gonna have to ask for your security pass back.

283. Won't I need it for tomorrow?

284. And the box of doughnuts.

285. They're the lemon-filled ones. Nobody eats those.

286. Mr. Sheffield, it was horrible.

287. Ms. Fine, Ms. Fine, what happened?

288. That mean lady took my doughnuts.

289. No, I mean what happened with the audition? How'd it go?

290. Well, for starters, they didn't need a weather girl.

291. They made me audition for editorial commentator.

292. Yikes.

293. Well, I mean that in a most supportive way, of course.

294. It doesn't matter. You were right in the first place.

295. You know, next time I have a dream, just go ahead and dump all over it.

296. It'll save me the heartache.

297. I wouldn't be so sure, Ms. Fine. I have a confession to make to you.

298. You know, the real reason I came down here today

299. was because, well frankly, I was terrified you would succeed.

300. - Really? - Yes.

301. Furthermore, I came up with a rather elaborate ruse

302. - to make sure I could get you back. - You did?

303. Watch, watch this.

304. Gracie.

305. Fran, I really miss you.

306. And you have to come home because I'm afraid to be alone...

307. Never mind.

308. Never mind.

309. Well, we did have it all planned out. I promise.

310. That's so sweet.

311. But, you know, a word of advice.

312. Next time you use a child to manipulate an adult,

313. you gotta give them a protein, not a carbohydrate,

314. or they lose their concentration.

315. Why couldn't this have been my category?

316. I could have been the next Connie Chung-Povich.

317. Come on, honey, let's go home.

318. Wait a minute.

319. May I help you?

320. Yes, I'm here to meet my nephew for lunch, Bryant Gumbel.

321. And my little girl is anxious to meet him.

322. This is my daddy.

323. That was gorgeous, Sammy.

324. Thank you, baby.

325. But let me play you my favorite.

326. My yiddishe momme

327. I need her more than ever now

328. My yiddishe momme

329. I'd love to kiss that wrinkled brow

330. I long to hold her hands

331. Once more as in days gone by