The Nanny 5x7

1. Hi.

2. Your grandmother is such a sucker.

3. She thinks she's a finalist in Ed McMahon's Publisher's Clearing House.

4. You're just jealous because I'm gonna be a millionaire.

5. You better be nice to me because I got a very long memory.

6. Waitress, could I get a cup of decaf?

7. I got a letter for you.

8. From Cambodia.

9. Cambodia? Oh, my God.

10. Pack your bags. We'll hide her out in Canada.

11. Look, Val, it's from Mai Ling.

12. - Who's Mai Ling? - Oy, please, these two meshuganas

13. adopted an orphan in high school for 17 cents a day.

14. What a steal.

15. Bell peppers are $4.99 a pound.

16. Ma, we weren't meshuganas.

17. That poor child happens to come from a country

18. where you gotta scrape and scrounge and fight for every last morsel of food.

19. - Stop that. Stop it. - Let go of it, or I'll kill you.

20. Fran, she's coming to New York

21. three weeks from the date of this letter.

22. Which is tomorrow.

23. - Ma. - Oh, I'm sorry.

24. I taped it to the refrigerator to give it to you,

25. and then I forgot it was there.

26. Well, that's because the refrigerator door is never closed.

27. Fran.

28. I can't believe our little girl is coming to see us.

29. I wonder which one of us she'll look like.

30. Val, she's not gonna look like either of us because she's adopted.

31. Yeah. It's...

32. - Am I an idiot? - No.

33. Well, let's just pray she inherited your brains.

34. She's got a very good heart.

35. So does an artichoke.

36. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

37. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

38. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

39. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

40. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

41. She had style, she had flair She was there

42. That's how she became the Nanny

43. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

44. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

45. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

46. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

47. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

48. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

49. Here's your sandwich, sir.

50. "Thank you, Niles." You're welcome, sir.

51. "All you do for me and a heart condition on top of it."

52. I wouldn't let a little angina keep me from picking up

53. your freshly-baked focaccia bread at 4:00 in the morning.

54. You're right, Niles. I don't appreciate you.

55. "Well, that's because I don't do squat around here, sir."

56. Perhaps you should put more effort into it, old man.

57. "Well, I can't, sir. I'm a lazy old house-frau."

58. All I wanted was a simple thank you.

59. I suppose in order to get some attention around here

60. I have to hop up on your desk in my short skirt.

61. Did you say "my"?

62. I was putting myself in Ms. Fine's shoes.

63. Well, you can't wear those wingtips with your skirt.

64. Make you look stumpy.

65. He who belts "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair" in the shower

66. should not throw stones.

67. I assure you, I am the most masculine one in this room.

68. Until now.

69. You know, Maxwell, I can't believe

70. what they get away with on TV these days.

71. I was watching this rerun of Seinfeld,

72. and Elaine must have been, I don't know, 12 months pregnant,

73. and they didn't even acknowledge it.

74. They just kept hiding her behind these huge props.

75. You know, this needs water.

76. Mr. Sheffield,

77. remember when you told me

78. that I could never have any more relatives staying at the house?

79. Yes. But more importantly, do you?

80. Well, would you make an exception for my daughter?

81. Your what?

82. My daughter.

83. Didn't I mention that I have a 19-year-old daughter?

84. But that's impossible. Means you would have to have been...

85. Ten.

86. I got her at a UNICEF fair when I was in high school—

87. Junior high— Elementary school.

88. Well, I think it's wonderful that you're a foster parent, Ms. Fine.

89. Thank you. Does it give you any ideas? You know, now that I have a kid,

90. and you have kids.

91. 'Til the one day when The lady met this fella

92. If I say she can stay here, will you stop singing?

93. Thank you. You're such a doll.

94. Now I just hope that she likes me.

95. You know, I'm not really good with kids. I mean, my own kids.

96. Maxwell, this just came from the framers. Where do you want to hang it?

97. She's here.

98. She's here!

99. We're coming. We're coming.

100. Honey, let's meet our little girl.

101. Hi.

102. Hello. I am Mai Ling.

103. Boy, you really filled out on 17 cents a day.

104. Hello, Mai Ling.

105. We are your mother and mother.

106. Look how I'm talking to her like she doesn't understand.

107. You must be Val.

108. Come in. Come in.

109. So beautiful.

110. This is your house?

111. Well, I'm working on it, sweetie.

112. I can't wait to meet your husband. Where is he?

113. Hopefully he's at a very successful law firm or seeing a patient.

114. Come on, sit down.

115. Talk with your mother.

116. Excuse me. I'm her mother too.

117. So, sweetie, tell us, how could you afford to fly here?

118. I work since I was 10 years old.

119. They let you work so young there?

120. No. Sometimes I have to lie about my age.

121. My baby.

122. My baby too.

123. - Well, it was my idea to buy her. - Yeah?

124. It was my idea to go to the fair.

125. Please, Mommies, don't fight. It put knife through my heart.

126. There, there, she's Jewish. She's mine.

127. Ma, you are not gonna win from Publisher's Clearing House.

128. You spent your whole Social Security check on magazines.

129. What do you need with Runner's Digest?

130. I thought it just said "digest."

131. What a pleasure, ladies. Haven't seen you in, what, half a day?

132. How did you get in?

133. You left the door open.

134. You had a key made?

135. Maybe that was it.

136. Where are you running, Niles, darling?

137. I got a little something on my purse at the gas station.

138. I wonder if you could get it off for me.

139. What is it? Grease?

140. Yeah. From a burrito.

141. It's Sylvia's.

142. Hi, Ma, Yetta.

143. Now, wait a minute.

144. You two did go home yesterday, didn't you?

145. What are you wearing to Aunt Freida's birthday tomorrow?

146. I got the most adorable little white polka dot dress

147. with big colorful fruits all over it.

148. Like that?

149. Yeah, that's it. You look great in it.

150. I'll wear something else to Freida's.

151. Ma, Yetta,

152. I want you to meet my daughter, Mai Ling. She just arrived.

153. I hope you had a cesarean.

154. Maggie take me to big party, and I want to look pretty like my mother.

155. - Thank you, sweetie. - Thank you, sweetie.

156. What are you saying?

157. She's here one week and in your clothes already?

158. Fran, I don't like it.

159. You don't take advantage of someone when you're a guest in their house.

160. Niles, how long does it take to clean a purse?

161. - Here's your pocketbooks, girls. - Thanks.

162. Well, time to party, Mai.

163. But we have to be home early because Maggie have school tomorrow.

164. No, no, no. You say that in front of Dad.

165. She's the one who taught me how to do this.

166. Yeah. I taught her everything she knows.

167. - Have fun. - Bye.

168. - Bye. - Bye.

169. - So cute. - Do you even know where she's going?

170. No. But I don't know where Maggie's going either.

171. Well, I do not think Mai Ling should go out dressed like that.

172. She looks like a hooker.

173. Val, that's my outfit.

174. Enough said.

175. - What's that supposed to mean? - Come on. This is a big revelation?

176. You dress like a tramp.

177. You know what revelation means?

178. You know, you are always undermining me.

179. Now, why do I always have to be the bad guy? You spoil her.

180. Well, what's the big deal if I do spoil her? I can afford it now.

181. Please, it isn't your money. You're the hired help.

182. Well, you really learn a lot about a person

183. when you have a kid with them. That's all I can say.

184. I'm sensing a lot of anger here.

185. - You think? - You think?

186. Okay. Now, I have found that in couples therapy

187. it's often useful for the couples, the two of you,

188. to go back and try to remember what it was that first attracted you to each other.

189. I mean, for instance, my wife says about me it was my winning smile.

190. Look, doctor, I've known her since kindergarten.

191. I simply think I have outgrown her.

192. Do you see what she does? She always tries to act superior.

193. You know, that's why so many people did not like her in high school.

194. Is she stupid?

195. I was the most popular girl in school.

196. It said so on all the bathroom walls.

197. There she goes, calling me stupid again.

198. You know, for 20 years she's been making fun of me.

199. And I gotta tell you something, I'm getting damn tired of it.

200. How dare you?

201. When I'm the one that's always defending you

202. - ... when everyone calls you dumb. - Yeah?

203. Know what? I'm the one that always defended you in high school

204. when everybody called you a slut.

205. Dr. Miller, you see how dumb she is? She thinks that's an insult.

206. Yeah, yeah.

207. Well, what about values, huh?

208. Some values you are teaching our daughter, living with a man out of wedlock.

209. I'm not in a relationship with Mr. Sheffield. I'm his nanny.

210. Congratulations, Fran. You just broke through your denial.

211. You know, after 20 years of a relationship,

212. you expect a little magic to go out of it.

213. But this is beyond repair.

214. I'll tell you something, it is over between us.

215. I am suing you for full custody.

216. Big shot, huh?

217. She'll be back.

218. You know, I drove her, and she has my keys.

219. Ma.

220. Ma.

221. What is it? Darling, what?

222. I can't even talk about it.

223. Good, because your father and I are going to the movies.

224. Ma.

225. If we don't get there before 3:00,

226. we'll miss the free jalapeño nachos.

227. All right! What is it?

228. Sweetheart, nothing is ever as bad as it seems.

229. Ma, it's over. We split up.

230. No! Don't say that!

231. It's true.

232. It was the worst fight we ever had.

233. Oh, my God. I'm having palpitations.

234. Quick, get me my medicine.

235. Even Dr. Miller said we had irreconcilable differences.

236. I'll kill that quack.

237. You go back and beg for forgiveness.

238. Bend a little, for God's sakes. You're a single maid.

239. Ma, what are you talking about?

240. Apologize to Mr. Sheffield.

241. Ma, I'm talking about Val.

242. I am missing jalapeño nachos for that moron?

243. Well, consider it a favor to the people sitting behind you.

244. What the hell do you have to fight about with Val?

245. Well, it all started over Mai Ling, but then—

246. Darling, that's the problem. That girl.

247. First she busts up your friendship with Val,

248. next she'll come between you and Mr. Sheffield.

249. Ma, she's a baby. She's only 19.

250. And what were you doing when you were 19?

251. That's different, Ma. I was a very mature 19.

252. I was 24.

253. Besides, it's crazy. Mr. Sheffield is practically her foster father.

254. Two words, baby:

255. Soon-Yi.

256. What are you doing home in the middle of the afternoon?

257. My office is at home.

258. Well, Mr. I've-got-an-answer-for-everything,

259. answer me this.

260. Are you having an affair with Mai Ling?

261. Ms. Fine, are you insane?

262. I have never been this sane in my entire life.

263. Or this thin, thank you very much.

264. Now, if there's nothing going on between you two, then answer me this.

265. Why do you look so unbelievably handsome?

266. And explain that extra sparkle in your eyes.

267. Because I'm looking at you.

268. Please.

269. If I'm so irresistible, why aren't you all over me?

270. To hell with Mai Ling.

271. Ms. Fine, I cannot believe you'd accuse me of such a thing.

272. - She's a teenager, for heaven's sakes. - Well—

273. I mean, it's not as if I'm some over-sexed 16-year-old boy.

274. What the hell's going on in here?

275. Well, Dad, I mean, she just knocked on my door,

276. asked me how to spell a big word and started kissing me.

277. How dare you?

278. I gotta try that. But how dare you?

279. No, it's okay, Dad, because we're engaged.

280. - What? - What?

281. You are nothing of the sort.

282. What's the matter, my daughter's not good enough for you?

283. Ms. Fine, they are not engaged and that's that.

284. Hello, how else am I going to get my green card?

285. Well, that's Val's side coming right through there.

286. Brighton, how could you let yourself be taken in like this?

287. Well, let's see, I'm 16,

288. she's a breathing female, and I'm 16. That's all you need.

289. Fran.

290. I just got your message about Mai Ling.

291. I can't believe it.

292. Where did we go wrong?

293. Val, it isn't our fault.

294. We were too young when we had her.

295. - I'm sorry. - I missed you.

296. - I love you. - I missed you.

297. - I love you. - I'm sorry.

298. Fran, let's promise never again to let our kids come between us.

299. What kids?

300. As of this moment, I'm disowning her.

301. Me too.

302. Val.

303. Well, why ruin two jackets?

304. Hi, Moms.

305. Don't "Moms" us.

306. It's Ms. Fine and Ms. Toriello to you.

307. I'm so sorry that I hurt you.

308. I'll leave and stay with my friend I met last night at the party.

309. His mother has a big apartment in the city.

310. I'm walking to the door.

311. I'm almost to the door.

312. Well...

313. Are you never going to speak to me again?

314. Speak to you?

315. You used us.

316. You almost broke up me and your mother.

317. And you hurt the people that I love.

318. We can't even look at you.

319. Well, if you change your mind, here's the number where I will be staying.

320. If I or my friend, Jason, is not there, just ask for his mother.

321. Ms. Barbra Streisand.

322. Goodbye, Ms. Fine, Ms. Toriello.

323. - So formal with your mothers. - So formal with your mothers.

324. Thanks for buying these subscriptions off me, Neal.

325. Yetta, you said "a few."

326. I also said you were invited to my wedding.

327. You mean I'm not?

328. Well, you'll be there, but you won't exactly be a guest.

329. Wear comfortable shoes.

330. Thanks, Neal.

331. What?