1. Well, it's been five days,
and I haven't lost a single poundCopy !req
2. on this damn liquid diet.Copy !req
3. Maybe because it's gin.Copy !req
4. Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that
and stay so thin?Copy !req
5. I have a very fast metabolism.Copy !req
6. Every time I think about how old I amCopy !req
7. and the fact that I'm still single,Copy !req
8. my heart starts racing.Copy !req
9. Niles, were you listening in
on the terraceCopy !req
10. when I had my meeting
with that accountant?Copy !req
11. I most certainly was not.Copy !req
12. Good, because I just had
the French doors painted.Copy !req
13. Well, I'll warn the children.Copy !req
14. Good God, man.Copy !req
15. Is it so bloody important
for you to know how much I'm worth?Copy !req
16. Niles, you have paint on you.Copy !req
17. So do you.Copy !req
18. Sir, I wasn't snooping. I was cleaning.Copy !req
19. Honestly, keeping this house in order
is a round-the-clock job.Copy !req
20. I hardly have time to skulk about.Copy !req
21. Niles, it's the Spy Shop.
Your night vision goggles are in.Copy !req
22. Let that be the last time
I catch you snooping.Copy !req
23. And tomorrow,
I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom.Copy !req
24. Oh, sir, not the lifeline.Copy !req
25. Honestly, if I were Mrs. Sheffield,
my first act would be...Copy !req
26. Well, my second act would be to fire
that no-good lint trap.Copy !req
27. If you were Mrs. Sheffield?Copy !req
28. "Please hang up and dial again."Copy !req
29. Nanny Fine, I am perfect for Maxwell.Copy !req
30. I am dependable, respectableCopy !req
31. and men are always drawn
to my classic Swedish features.Copy !req
32. So you're a Volvo?Copy !req
33. Unfortunately for you,
Mr. Sheffield wants to get his handsCopy !req
34. on something a little sportier
that he can take the top down.Copy !req
35. Well, you know, obviously we disagree.
What do you wanna do?Copy !req
36. Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell,Copy !req
37. give him a stick and see which one of us
he whacks first?Copy !req
38. No.Copy !req
39. I was going to say that we should get
an impartial third party to be the judge.Copy !req
40. But, you know, your way is a nice
tip of the hat to Mexican culture.Copy !req
41. An impartial third party? Like whom?Copy !req
42. Well, like Dr. Joyce Brothers.Copy !req
43. I met her once. She's very smart.Copy !req
44. She was on Hollywood Squares.
She knows things.Copy !req
45. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, QueensCopy !req
46. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenesCopy !req
47. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fannyCopy !req
48. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' doorCopy !req
49. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw moreCopy !req
50. She had style, she had flair
She was thereCopy !req
51. That's how she became the NannyCopy !req
52. Who would have guessed
That the girl we describedCopy !req
53. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?Copy !req
54. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.Copy !req
55. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!Copy !req
56. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tanCopy !req
57. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named FranCopy !req
58. Thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thank you.Copy !req
59. It's all set. She's gonna observe us
with Mr. SheffieldCopy !req
60. and determine
who will make the better wife.Copy !req
61. - You're kidding.
- No.Copy !req
62. She has a great deal of respect
for our experiment.Copy !req
63. She has a musical
she wants to pitch to Maxwell?Copy !req
64. Wrote a score for Nuts.Copy !req
65. Well, let's just keep this between us.Copy !req
66. Because if Maxwell finds out,Copy !req
67. neither of us will have a shot at him
and he'll think we're both morons.Copy !req
68. Good. I couldn't agree more.
And you know what?Copy !req
69. In case he does find out, let's just
tell him that Val thought of it.Copy !req
70. That won't be a tough sell.Copy !req
71. - What are you doing?
- Nothing.Copy !req
72. And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass
from Chevron?Copy !req
73. You see, this is why
we cannot have nice things.Copy !req
74. You know, even if I could keep
Dr. Brothers coming here a secret,Copy !req
75. and I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas,Copy !req
76. how do you plan to explain
her presence to Mr. Sheffield?Copy !req
77. The woman deals
with the psychologically deranged.Copy !req
78. She could be here for Ma, me, Gracie.Copy !req
79. And let me tell you something, mister,
you isn't far from the top of the list.Copy !req
80. And don't you blab.
I will know, because Mr. SheffieldCopy !req
81. always acts self-conscious
when he knows he's being watched.Copy !req
82. What?Copy !req
83. - Nothing.
- Nothing.Copy !req
84. Well, why are you staring at me?Copy !req
85. What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.Copy !req
86. Well, I can't now. You're watching me.
Makes me feel very uncomfortable.Copy !req
87. So much for making amateur videos
on our honeymoon.Copy !req
88. I just hate these credit applications.Copy !req
89. Date of birth? Not applicable.Copy !req
90. Sex? Five years ago Tuesday.Copy !req
91. Well, what do you need
another credit card for anyway?Copy !req
92. I wanna get credit
so I can buy some new outfitsCopy !req
93. to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers.Copy !req
94. I mean, look at me, Val.
I look like a cheap tart.Copy !req
95. And not in the good way.Copy !req
96. Yeah, but I think under "salary",
you made a mistake.Copy !req
97. Well, that's because last time
I put my real salary on an application,Copy !req
98. they sent me food stamps
and a box of government cheese.Copy !req
99. You know, I remember that.Copy !req
100. It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.Copy !req
101. You know, maybe I shouldn't put
"$50,000" down.Copy !req
102. It sounds like I'm trying too hard.Copy !req
103. Yeah, 50 is too much.Copy !req
104. Make it 49.99.Copy !req
105. That's how they sucked me in
on the Abdomenizer.Copy !req
106. Yeah, that's good.Copy !req
107. And when I'd get that feelingCopy !req
108. I want sexual healingCopy !req
109. Sexual healing is something
That's good for meCopy !req
110. Oh, crap. I dusted through Rosie.Copy !req
111. I can't believe she's applying
for another credit card.Copy !req
112. No, I really shouldn't snoop.Copy !req
113. But maybe I'm a reference,
in which case I have a right to know.Copy !req
114. Where's age? Age, age, age.Copy !req
115. This must have been age.Copy !req
116. Let's see. Salary.Copy !req
117. Sir, I demand a raise.Copy !req
118. Niles, I am actually in the room.Copy !req
119. So, you might want to rehearse
this somewhere else.Copy !req
120. I am saying it to your face this time.Copy !req
121. I demand a salary increase,
and I demand it now.Copy !req
122. Well, that certainly took
a lot of backbone, I must say.Copy !req
123. You know, normally,
my answer would be "no."Copy !req
124. But based on your bold approach,
my answer is...Copy !req
125. Hell, no!Copy !req
126. How dare you come barging in here
like that, making demands?Copy !req
127. Can't you see I'm busy?Copy !req
128. Yes, I know how much effort
goes into orderingCopy !req
129. an air-conditioned pith helmet
from The Sharper Image.Copy !req
130. Niles, what exactly brought on
this sudden surge of greed, anyway?Copy !req
131. Well, I was upstairs
looking through Miss—Copy !req
132. Ms. magazine.Copy !req
133. Did you know that,
like many women in today's marketplace,Copy !req
134. I too am underpaid?Copy !req
135. Well, I happen to think
you are very well paidCopy !req
136. for drinking my brandy,
smoking my cigars,Copy !req
137. and giving conducted tours of the house
when I'm not here,Copy !req
138. saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.Copy !req
139. Bouvier. Before she was married.Copy !req
140. Look, if it wasn't for me,Copy !req
141. you'd still have that summer job
playing ukuleleCopy !req
142. on some London sidewalk
with your partner, Larry.Copy !req
143. At least Larry treated me like a human.Copy !req
144. Of course he treated you like a human.
He was a bloody monkey!Copy !req
145. Look, if you're not happy here,
perhaps it's time you made arrangements.Copy !req
146. All right then, you repressed tightwad.Copy !req
147. - I quit!
- Good.Copy !req
148. Go and quit then. Go.Copy !req
149. By the way, there was a call from someone
who wants to back your new show.Copy !req
150. - Well, who was it?
- It was...Copy !req
151. Oh, my God, Niles.Copy !req
152. - Did I just hear you quit?
- Hmm.Copy !req
153. How can you, after all you two
have been through together?Copy !req
154. Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield
had that horrible contagious flu?Copy !req
155. You were the only one
that he would let in his room.Copy !req
156. Yes. It's memories like that
that will sustain meCopy !req
157. until I get to the curb outside.Copy !req
158. Mr. Sheffield,
you can't just let Niles go.Copy !req
159. You're making a big mistake.
He's my best friend.Copy !req
160. Oh, God, do you smell delicious.Copy !req
161. What is that?Copy !req
162. Are you wearing Aramis?Copy !req
163. You can forget it, Miss Fine.
My mind is made up.Copy !req
164. Niles is nosy, greedy, surly,
and he's gone.Copy !req
165. Now, as lady of the house,Copy !req
166. I want you to start
finding a replacement immediately.Copy !req
167. Come on.Copy !req
168. You want me to replace my best—
lady of the house?Copy !req
169. You know, that Niles could be surly
from time to time.Copy !req
170. - What's going on?
- Niles quit.Copy !req
171. Thank you.Copy !req
172. I'll get it.Copy !req
173. Hi, Ma. What are you doing here?Copy !req
174. Don't you remember?
We're having lunch with Aunt Freida.Copy !req
175. It's the anniversary
of her husband's death.Copy !req
176. Which husband?Copy !req
177. Well, since she's buried seven,Copy !req
178. she decided to lump them
all together like Presidents' Day.Copy !req
179. Well, you know, as much as I'd love
to watch you and Freida fightCopy !req
180. over who gets the chicken butt...Copy !req
181. I've really gotta find
a replacement for Niles.Copy !req
182. - I can't believe he quit. It's so sad.
- I know, I know.Copy !req
183. I can still smell his chicken cacciatore.Copy !req
184. It's like when you lose a limb
and you swear it's still there.Copy !req
185. Yeah.Copy !req
186. That's Freida. Ma, you be nice.Copy !req
187. Well, now that my sister-in-law, Freida,
is a millionaire,Copy !req
188. let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake.Copy !req
189. Ma, you're going out to lunch.
What do you need a cake—Copy !req
190. For the cab ride.Copy !req
191. - Aunt Freida.
- Frannie.Copy !req
192. Hi, Syl.Copy !req
193. Sylvia, I love the lighter rinse
you're putting on your hair.Copy !req
194. You know, it's nice when you get
a little older to go a little softer.Copy !req
195. Like your tuchus.Copy !req
196. So, where's Mr. Hunky Butler?Copy !req
197. Hunky went out the door-y.Copy !req
198. You mean he quit?Copy !req
199. Well, maybe he left a little
chicken cacciatore in a zip lock?Copy !req
200. Been there, done that.Copy !req
201. You know, Freida, I was just gonna say,
I mean, it's kind of awkward for me,Copy !req
202. but since you're so loaded,
and you've got so much money...Copy !req
203. Franella, say no more.Copy !req
204. You're mishpachah.Copy !req
205. Here, doll.Copy !req
206. Oh, no, Freida.Copy !req
207. I just meant, I thought
you should hire Niles.Copy !req
208. I don't know, a butler?
You know, I'm just not comfortableCopy !req
209. bossing people around.Copy !req
210. Sylvia, a cold drink. Move it!Copy !req
211. I'll dance on your grave someday.Copy !req
212. You know, maybe I could use some help.Copy !req
213. I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.Copy !req
214. Freida, it's Lladró.Copy !req
215. If you can pronounce it, I can afford it.Copy !req
216. - Miss Fine.
- Yeah? What's the matter?Copy !req
217. You can call off the search.Copy !req
218. C.C.'s found the perfect butler,
with sterling credentials, I might add.Copy !req
219. I'm very pleased.Copy !req
220. Thank you, C.C.Copy !req
221. You're welcome, honey.Copy !req
222. Did you hear that?Copy !req
223. He is pleased with the help I hired.Copy !req
224. I think Dr. Brothers would approve.Copy !req
225. All right, you win.Copy !req
226. When me and Mr. Sheffield get married,
you can hire all the help.Copy !req
227. All right, girls, well, it looks like
I can have lunch with you after all.Copy !req
228. - How about Mexican?
- I'm in the mood for matzah ball soup.Copy !req
229. Have you tried Casa de Hadassah?Copy !req
230. - No, I hear they have great fajitas.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
231. - Kosher fajitas.
- They've got a Tequila Sunrise Sunset.Copy !req
232. I love it.Copy !req
233. And finally, Trevor,
this is the kitchen, your domain.Copy !req
234. We have the butler's pantry on the left,
the wine cellar on the right,Copy !req
235. and the trampy nanny on her ass.Copy !req
236. Listen, Trevor, let's just get
one thing straight right off the bat.Copy !req
237. You took my best friend's job,Copy !req
238. so you and I are not gonna be compadres.Copy !req
239. As long as we're being honest,Copy !req
240. I don't want your mother
dropping by incessantly.Copy !req
241. A woman her age should be retired
and living in a warm climate.Copy !req
242. You know, I got two tickets
for Rent Saturday night.Copy !req
243. What do you say we go together?Copy !req
244. And as for your attire,
it is inappropriate for the nannyCopy !req
245. to be seen in such revealing outfits
in front of the master and children.Copy !req
246. Please, if I wanted to be revealing,
I could have unbuttoned these buttons,Copy !req
247. and I wouldn't have worn a bra. Peekaboo.Copy !req
248. How can you stand him?Copy !req
249. I mean, he's so cold, stuffy
and repressed.Copy !req
250. I know, honey, but he is your father.
You meant Trevor.Copy !req
251. Why are you children still here?
You should be in school.Copy !req
252. Fran's taking us to Maury Povich
to see that 80-pound baby.Copy !req
253. Here. Dad doesn't need to know.Copy !req
254. Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed.Copy !req
255. This one's gonna be trouble.Copy !req
256. Oh, my God, Freida.Copy !req
257. I know. It took forever to paper
over those carved mahogany walls.Copy !req
258. But don't judge it now.Copy !req
259. When I get my furniture out of storage,
it'll fill in all those bare spots.Copy !req
260. Listen, Freida, I wanna talk to you
about Niles. I want him back.Copy !req
261. And you can get anyone
to do what he does here.Copy !req
262. Oh, Freida. It's booty call.Copy !req
263. Niles, you hussy, you.Copy !req
264. Don't knock it, baby.Copy !req
265. Is that a diamond ring?Copy !req
266. And a dental plan?Copy !req
267. I'm shag-a-delic, baby.Copy !req
268. Frannie, it's so nice to have
a man around the house.Copy !req
269. Nilesy, I'm gonna start the bath.Copy !req
270. Don't be long, my private dancer.Copy !req
271. Niles, I don't believe you.Copy !req
272. Dressing up in sexy clothes.
Throwing yourself at your boss. It's sick.Copy !req
273. Sick, sick, sick.Copy !req
274. But it seems the only way
I can make your high salaryCopy !req
275. is to shake my groove thing
with Aunt Freida.Copy !req
276. - Well, what do you mean, my high salary?
- I saw your credit card application.Copy !req
277. You put down that you make $50,000 a year.Copy !req
278. I had to. That's the same thing
when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29.Copy !req
279. I'm seeking "approval".Copy !req
280. Now, come on, I'm taking you home.Copy !req
281. No, no. I will not have Mr. Sheffield
constantly calling me a snoop.Copy !req
282. I have my dignity.Copy !req
283. Nilesy!Copy !req
284. Put on the velvet Speedo
with the bull's-eye.Copy !req
285. Look, it's too late to come back now.Copy !req
286. I've made Freida's bed,
and now I have to lie in it.Copy !req
287. Well, fine.Copy !req
288. Just remember, I've been working
for Mr. Sheffield almost five years,Copy !req
289. and still I haven't slept with him.Copy !req
290. It's official. I'm a schmuck.Copy !req
291. I fixed you a drink, Miss Babcock.Copy !req
292. I thought you might be nervous
about Dr. Brothers' visit.Copy !req
293. I hope she picks you.Copy !req
294. Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
295. Nanny Fine may be dumb enough
to honor our deal,Copy !req
296. but I'm in show business.
My promises don't mean squat.Copy !req
297. Nanny Fine, that is low.Copy !req
298. Well, I had to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school.Copy !req
299. I had trouble finishing school.Copy !req
300. Well, you look ridiculous.Copy !req
301. That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack.Copy !req
302. On you, it sings.Copy !req
303. Hello. C.C. Babcock.Copy !req
304. Everyone's choice for Mrs. Sheffield.Copy !req
305. Hi, Dr. Brothers. Good to see you again.Copy !req
306. You know, I don't want you to feel
any pressure at all to pick me.Copy !req
307. You know, just because I could get
Mr. SheffieldCopy !req
308. to listen to your score for Nuts.Copy !req
309. I'm a professional, dear.Copy !req
310. You can't play passive-aggressive with me.Copy !req
311. Oh, well, what do you say to this?Copy !req
312. I got a rich aunt.
There's more where that came from.Copy !req
313. No?Copy !req
314. Dr. Brothers, you don't need her.Copy !req
315. I am in show business.Copy !req
316. I can arrange that pitch meeting
with Maxwell.Copy !req
317. I promise.Copy !req
318. Ma, where did you come from?Copy !req
319. Der Weisse Engel wouldn't let me in.Copy !req
320. The boy had to help me up the trellis.Copy !req
321. The Sheffield line ends here, okay?Copy !req
322. - I wanna come back. Hide me. Please.
- What happened?Copy !req
323. I can handle the Jacuzzis
and giving the oil massages,Copy !req
324. I can suck on a big toe
the size of a Louisville Slugger,Copy !req
325. but I will not do windows.Copy !req
326. - Nilesy!
- Oh, God. Sasquatch.Copy !req
327. - I heard what they said about you...
- Quiet!Copy !req
328. Trevor, what the hell is going on
in my house?Copy !req
329. I wouldn't know. I don't get involved
in other people's business.Copy !req
330. Well, that's not much bloody good to me,
is it?Copy !req
331. You're fired.Copy !req
332. - You, you're rehired.
- Do I get a raise?Copy !req
333. - No.
- I'll take it.Copy !req
334. - Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
335. Miss Fine, what is Dr. Joyce Brothers,
doing in my sitting room?Copy !req
336. Well, she's here to decide whether me
or Miss Babcock is more right for you.Copy !req
337. Not that it's any of your business.Copy !req
338. What? You can't be serious.Copy !req
339. You two have turned into
a couple of complete morons.Copy !req
340. - It was Val's idea.
- It was Val's idea.Copy !req
341. Dr. Brothers,
I don't know under what pretenseCopy !req
342. these two got you here,Copy !req
343. but I do apologize for their lunacy.Copy !req
344. No problem.Copy !req
345. Act one,
a lone schizophrenic prostitute sings.Copy !req
346. I stabbed a man in the gutsCopy !req
347. Now they're calling me nutsCopy !req
348. But I can't help itCopy !req
349. Yes, and this is the room where
Miss Bouvier first met Jack Kennedy.Copy !req
350. - Niles!
- Tour's over. No refunds.Copy !req