1. Well, it's been five days,
and I haven't lost a single pound
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2. on this damn liquid diet.
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3. Maybe because it's gin.
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4. Nanny Fine, how do you eat like that
and stay so thin?
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5. I have a very fast metabolism.
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6. Every time I think about how old I am
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7. and the fact that I'm still single,
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8. my heart starts racing.
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9. Niles, were you listening in
on the terrace
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10. when I had my meeting
with that accountant?
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11. I most certainly was not.
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12. Good, because I just had
the French doors painted.
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13. Well, I'll warn the children.
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14. Good God, man.
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15. Is it so bloody important
for you to know how much I'm worth?
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16. Niles, you have paint on you.
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17. So do you.
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18. Sir, I wasn't snooping. I was cleaning.
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19. Honestly, keeping this house in order
is a round-the-clock job.
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20. I hardly have time to skulk about.
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21. Niles, it's the Spy Shop.
Your night vision goggles are in.
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22. Let that be the last time
I catch you snooping.
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23. And tomorrow,
I'm disconnecting that bloody intercom.
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24. Oh, sir, not the lifeline.
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25. Honestly, if I were Mrs. Sheffield,
my first act would be...
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26. Well, my second act would be to fire
that no-good lint trap.
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27. If you were Mrs. Sheffield?
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28. "Please hang up and dial again."
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29. Nanny Fine, I am perfect for Maxwell.
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30. I am dependable, respectable
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31. and men are always drawn
to my classic Swedish features.
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32. So you're a Volvo?
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33. Unfortunately for you,
Mr. Sheffield wants to get his hands
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34. on something a little sportier
that he can take the top down.
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35. Well, you know, obviously we disagree.
What do you wanna do?
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36. Dress up like piñatas, blindfold Maxwell,
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37. give him a stick and see which one of us
he whacks first?
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38. No.
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39. I was going to say that we should get
an impartial third party to be the judge.
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40. But, you know, your way is a nice
tip of the hat to Mexican culture.
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41. An impartial third party? Like whom?
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42. Well, like Dr. Joyce Brothers.
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43. I met her once. She's very smart.
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44. She was on Hollywood Squares.
She knows things.
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45. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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46. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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47. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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48. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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49. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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50. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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51. That's how she became the Nanny
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52. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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53. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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54. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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55. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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56. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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57. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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58. Thank you, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Thank you.
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59. It's all set. She's gonna observe us
with Mr. Sheffield
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60. and determine
who will make the better wife.
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61. - You're kidding.
- No.
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62. She has a great deal of respect
for our experiment.
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63. She has a musical
she wants to pitch to Maxwell?
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64. Wrote a score for Nuts.
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65. Well, let's just keep this between us.
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66. Because if Maxwell finds out,
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67. neither of us will have a shot at him
and he'll think we're both morons.
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68. Good. I couldn't agree more.
And you know what?
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69. In case he does find out, let's just
tell him that Val thought of it.
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70. That won't be a tough sell.
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71. - What are you doing?
- Nothing.
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72. And with my Vinnie Barbarino glass
from Chevron?
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73. You see, this is why
we cannot have nice things.
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74. You know, even if I could keep
Dr. Brothers coming here a secret,
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75. and I wouldn't take those odds to Vegas,
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76. how do you plan to explain
her presence to Mr. Sheffield?
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77. The woman deals
with the psychologically deranged.
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78. She could be here for Ma, me, Gracie.
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79. And let me tell you something, mister,
you isn't far from the top of the list.
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80. And don't you blab.
I will know, because Mr. Sheffield
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81. always acts self-conscious
when he knows he's being watched.
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82. What?
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83. - Nothing.
- Nothing.
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84. Well, why are you staring at me?
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85. What? Go about your business.
Do what you're doing.
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86. Well, I can't now. You're watching me.
Makes me feel very uncomfortable.
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87. So much for making amateur videos
on our honeymoon.
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88. I just hate these credit applications.
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89. Date of birth? Not applicable.
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90. Sex? Five years ago Tuesday.
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91. Well, what do you need
another credit card for anyway?
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92. I wanna get credit
so I can buy some new outfits
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93. to impress Dr. Joyce Brothers.
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94. I mean, look at me, Val.
I look like a cheap tart.
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95. And not in the good way.
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96. Yeah, but I think under "salary",
you made a mistake.
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97. Well, that's because last time
I put my real salary on an application,
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98. they sent me food stamps
and a box of government cheese.
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99. You know, I remember that.
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100. It had a surprisingly tangy aftertaste.
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101. You know, maybe I shouldn't put
"$50,000" down.
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102. It sounds like I'm trying too hard.
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103. Yeah, 50 is too much.
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104. Make it 49.99.
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105. That's how they sucked me in
on the Abdomenizer.
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106. Yeah, that's good.
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107. And when I'd get that feeling
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108. I want sexual healing
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109. Sexual healing is something
That's good for me
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110. Oh, crap. I dusted through Rosie.
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111. I can't believe she's applying
for another credit card.
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112. No, I really shouldn't snoop.
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113. But maybe I'm a reference,
in which case I have a right to know.
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114. Where's age? Age, age, age.
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115. This must have been age.
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116. Let's see. Salary.
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117. Sir, I demand a raise.
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118. Niles, I am actually in the room.
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119. So, you might want to rehearse
this somewhere else.
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120. I am saying it to your face this time.
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121. I demand a salary increase,
and I demand it now.
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122. Well, that certainly took
a lot of backbone, I must say.
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123. You know, normally,
my answer would be "no."
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124. But based on your bold approach,
my answer is...
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125. Hell, no!
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126. How dare you come barging in here
like that, making demands?
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127. Can't you see I'm busy?
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128. Yes, I know how much effort
goes into ordering
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129. an air-conditioned pith helmet
from The Sharper Image.
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130. Niles, what exactly brought on
this sudden surge of greed, anyway?
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131. Well, I was upstairs
looking through Miss—
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132. Ms. magazine.
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133. Did you know that,
like many women in today's marketplace,
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134. I too am underpaid?
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135. Well, I happen to think
you are very well paid
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136. for drinking my brandy,
smoking my cigars,
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137. and giving conducted tours of the house
when I'm not here,
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138. saying it belongs to Jacqueline Onassis.
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139. Bouvier. Before she was married.
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140. Look, if it wasn't for me,
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141. you'd still have that summer job
playing ukulele
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142. on some London sidewalk
with your partner, Larry.
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143. At least Larry treated me like a human.
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144. Of course he treated you like a human.
He was a bloody monkey!
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145. Look, if you're not happy here,
perhaps it's time you made arrangements.
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146. All right then, you repressed tightwad.
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147. - I quit!
- Good.
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148. Go and quit then. Go.
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149. By the way, there was a call from someone
who wants to back your new show.
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150. - Well, who was it?
- It was...
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151. Oh, my God, Niles.
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152. - Did I just hear you quit?
- Hmm.
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153. How can you, after all you two
have been through together?
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154. Do you remember when Mr. Sheffield
had that horrible contagious flu?
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155. You were the only one
that he would let in his room.
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156. Yes. It's memories like that
that will sustain me
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157. until I get to the curb outside.
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158. Mr. Sheffield,
you can't just let Niles go.
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159. You're making a big mistake.
He's my best friend.
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160. Oh, God, do you smell delicious.
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161. What is that?
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162. Are you wearing Aramis?
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163. You can forget it, Miss Fine.
My mind is made up.
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164. Niles is nosy, greedy, surly,
and he's gone.
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165. Now, as lady of the house,
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166. I want you to start
finding a replacement immediately.
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167. Come on.
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168. You want me to replace my best—
lady of the house?
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169. You know, that Niles could be surly
from time to time.
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170. - What's going on?
- Niles quit.
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171. Thank you.
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172. I'll get it.
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173. Hi, Ma. What are you doing here?
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174. Don't you remember?
We're having lunch with Aunt Freida.
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175. It's the anniversary
of her husband's death.
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176. Which husband?
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177. Well, since she's buried seven,
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178. she decided to lump them
all together like Presidents' Day.
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179. Well, you know, as much as I'd love
to watch you and Freida fight
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180. over who gets the chicken butt...
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181. I've really gotta find
a replacement for Niles.
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182. - I can't believe he quit. It's so sad.
- I know, I know.
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183. I can still smell his chicken cacciatore.
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184. It's like when you lose a limb
and you swear it's still there.
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185. Yeah.
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186. That's Freida. Ma, you be nice.
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187. Well, now that my sister-in-law, Freida,
is a millionaire,
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188. let's see if, God forbid, she brings cake.
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189. Ma, you're going out to lunch.
What do you need a cake—
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190. For the cab ride.
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191. - Aunt Freida.
- Frannie.
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192. Hi, Syl.
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193. Sylvia, I love the lighter rinse
you're putting on your hair.
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194. You know, it's nice when you get
a little older to go a little softer.
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195. Like your tuchus.
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196. So, where's Mr. Hunky Butler?
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197. Hunky went out the door-y.
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198. You mean he quit?
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199. Well, maybe he left a little
chicken cacciatore in a zip lock?
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200. Been there, done that.
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201. You know, Freida, I was just gonna say,
I mean, it's kind of awkward for me,
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202. but since you're so loaded,
and you've got so much money...
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203. Franella, say no more.
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204. You're mishpachah.
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205. Here, doll.
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206. Oh, no, Freida.
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207. I just meant, I thought
you should hire Niles.
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208. I don't know, a butler?
You know, I'm just not comfortable
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209. bossing people around.
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210. Sylvia, a cold drink. Move it!
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211. I'll dance on your grave someday.
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212. You know, maybe I could use some help.
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213. I've got all that Lardo porcelain to dust.
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214. Freida, it's Lladró.
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215. If you can pronounce it, I can afford it.
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216. - Miss Fine.
- Yeah? What's the matter?
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217. You can call off the search.
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218. C.C.'s found the perfect butler,
with sterling credentials, I might add.
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219. I'm very pleased.
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220. Thank you, C.C.
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221. You're welcome, honey.
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222. Did you hear that?
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223. He is pleased with the help I hired.
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224. I think Dr. Brothers would approve.
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225. All right, you win.
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226. When me and Mr. Sheffield get married,
you can hire all the help.
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227. All right, girls, well, it looks like
I can have lunch with you after all.
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228. - How about Mexican?
- I'm in the mood for matzah ball soup.
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229. Have you tried Casa de Hadassah?
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230. - No, I hear they have great fajitas.
- Oh, my God.
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231. - Kosher fajitas.
- They've got a Tequila Sunrise Sunset.
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232. I love it.
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233. And finally, Trevor,
this is the kitchen, your domain.
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234. We have the butler's pantry on the left,
the wine cellar on the right,
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235. and the trampy nanny on her ass.
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236. Listen, Trevor, let's just get
one thing straight right off the bat.
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237. You took my best friend's job,
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238. so you and I are not gonna be compadres.
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239. As long as we're being honest,
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240. I don't want your mother
dropping by incessantly.
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241. A woman her age should be retired
and living in a warm climate.
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242. You know, I got two tickets
for Rent Saturday night.
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243. What do you say we go together?
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244. And as for your attire,
it is inappropriate for the nanny
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245. to be seen in such revealing outfits
in front of the master and children.
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246. Please, if I wanted to be revealing,
I could have unbuttoned these buttons,
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247. and I wouldn't have worn a bra. Peekaboo.
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248. How can you stand him?
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249. I mean, he's so cold, stuffy
and repressed.
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250. I know, honey, but he is your father.
You meant Trevor.
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251. Why are you children still here?
You should be in school.
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252. Fran's taking us to Maury Povich
to see that 80-pound baby.
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253. Here. Dad doesn't need to know.
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254. Excuse me, but I cannot be bribed.
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255. This one's gonna be trouble.
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256. Oh, my God, Freida.
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257. I know. It took forever to paper
over those carved mahogany walls.
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258. But don't judge it now.
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259. When I get my furniture out of storage,
it'll fill in all those bare spots.
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260. Listen, Freida, I wanna talk to you
about Niles. I want him back.
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261. And you can get anyone
to do what he does here.
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262. Oh, Freida. It's booty call.
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263. Niles, you hussy, you.
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264. Don't knock it, baby.
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265. Is that a diamond ring?
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266. And a dental plan?
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267. I'm shag-a-delic, baby.
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268. Frannie, it's so nice to have
a man around the house.
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269. Nilesy, I'm gonna start the bath.
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270. Don't be long, my private dancer.
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271. Niles, I don't believe you.
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272. Dressing up in sexy clothes.
Throwing yourself at your boss. It's sick.
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273. Sick, sick, sick.
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274. But it seems the only way
I can make your high salary
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275. is to shake my groove thing
with Aunt Freida.
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276. - Well, what do you mean, my high salary?
- I saw your credit card application.
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277. You put down that you make $50,000 a year.
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278. I had to. That's the same thing
when I tell Mr. Sheffield that I'm 29.
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279. I'm seeking "approval".
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280. Now, come on, I'm taking you home.
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281. No, no. I will not have Mr. Sheffield
constantly calling me a snoop.
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282. I have my dignity.
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283. Nilesy!
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284. Put on the velvet Speedo
with the bull's-eye.
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285. Look, it's too late to come back now.
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286. I've made Freida's bed,
and now I have to lie in it.
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287. Well, fine.
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288. Just remember, I've been working
for Mr. Sheffield almost five years,
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289. and still I haven't slept with him.
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290. It's official. I'm a schmuck.
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291. I fixed you a drink, Miss Babcock.
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292. I thought you might be nervous
about Dr. Brothers' visit.
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293. I hope she picks you.
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294. Trevor, it doesn't matter.
I'm not going anywhere.
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295. Nanny Fine may be dumb enough
to honor our deal,
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296. but I'm in show business.
My promises don't mean squat.
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297. Nanny Fine, that is low.
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298. Well, I had to pull out the big guns.
You went to finishing school.
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299. I had trouble finishing school.
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300. Well, you look ridiculous.
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301. That is a cheap, dowdy, matronly sack.
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302. On you, it sings.
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303. Hello. C.C. Babcock.
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304. Everyone's choice for Mrs. Sheffield.
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305. Hi, Dr. Brothers. Good to see you again.
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306. You know, I don't want you to feel
any pressure at all to pick me.
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307. You know, just because I could get
Mr. Sheffield
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308. to listen to your score for Nuts.
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309. I'm a professional, dear.
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310. You can't play passive-aggressive with me.
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311. Oh, well, what do you say to this?
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312. I got a rich aunt.
There's more where that came from.
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313. No?
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314. Dr. Brothers, you don't need her.
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315. I am in show business.
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316. I can arrange that pitch meeting
with Maxwell.
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317. I promise.
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318. Ma, where did you come from?
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319. Der Weisse Engel wouldn't let me in.
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320. The boy had to help me up the trellis.
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321. The Sheffield line ends here, okay?
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322. - I wanna come back. Hide me. Please.
- What happened?
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323. I can handle the Jacuzzis
and giving the oil massages,
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324. I can suck on a big toe
the size of a Louisville Slugger,
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325. but I will not do windows.
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326. - Nilesy!
- Oh, God. Sasquatch.
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327. - I heard what they said about you...
- Quiet!
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328. Trevor, what the hell is going on
in my house?
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329. I wouldn't know. I don't get involved
in other people's business.
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330. Well, that's not much bloody good to me,
is it?
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331. You're fired.
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332. - You, you're rehired.
- Do I get a raise?
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333. - No.
- I'll take it.
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334. - Hello.
- Hello.
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335. Miss Fine, what is Dr. Joyce Brothers,
doing in my sitting room?
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336. Well, she's here to decide whether me
or Miss Babcock is more right for you.
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337. Not that it's any of your business.
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338. What? You can't be serious.
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339. You two have turned into
a couple of complete morons.
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340. - It was Val's idea.
- It was Val's idea.
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341. Dr. Brothers,
I don't know under what pretense
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342. these two got you here,
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343. but I do apologize for their lunacy.
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344. No problem.
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345. Act one,
a lone schizophrenic prostitute sings.
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346. I stabbed a man in the guts
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347. Now they're calling me nuts
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348. But I can't help it
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349. Yes, and this is the room where
Miss Bouvier first met Jack Kennedy.
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350. - Niles!
- Tour's over. No refunds.
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