1. Well, in just seven weeks
this is going to be our room.Copy !req
2. Our bed.Copy !req
3. Our chair.Copy !req
4. Our lamp.Copy !req
5. And my closet.Copy !req
6. And who says size isn't important
in the bedroom?Copy !req
7. Val, this is what I picked out for Maxwell
to wear to my high school reunion party.Copy !req
8. It's like having a great big Ken doll.Copy !req
9. Only mine is anatomically correct.Copy !req
10. Please, God.Copy !req
11. Meanwhile, this is the first time
you got a reason to go to your reunion.Copy !req
12. You should be more concerned
with what you're gonna wear.Copy !req
13. You know, I just thought I'd wear
a simple, drop-dead gorgeous fiancéCopy !req
14. and accessorize it with this.Copy !req
15. You know, I can't wait to see
Naomi Dembo's face when you walk in.Copy !req
16. She was so mean to us in high school.
She told everyoneCopy !req
17. that we were lesbian lovers.Copy !req
18. Yeah, but you know, it backfired on herCopy !req
19. because we were never
so popular with the boys.Copy !req
20. All right, hands up,
anyone who doesn't belong in here.Copy !req
21. Well, I bet you weren't expecting
three gorgeous gals in your bed.Copy !req
22. Yeah.Copy !req
23. Now, don't go getting any ideas.Copy !req
24. Yes, well, I think this has sufficiently
put that fantasy to rest, Sylvia.Copy !req
25. I'm sorry, honey.
I just wanted to show the girlsCopy !req
26. what you're wearing to my reunion
Saturday night.Copy !req
27. Saturday night? I thought you said
it was next Saturday.Copy !req
28. Well, it was next Saturday
when I told you about it last Saturday.Copy !req
29. Well, this Saturday, I have to fly
to Washington to talkCopy !req
30. at the National Endowment for the Arts.Copy !req
31. Oh, no, you have to come.Copy !req
32. The last two reunions,
I carried a man's coatCopy !req
33. and said my fiancé was in the bathroom.Copy !req
34. I don't think that they'll go for it
a third time.Copy !req
35. What do you want me to do?Copy !req
36. Cancel on
the President of the United States?Copy !req
37. Well, he's been known to put
pleasure before business.Copy !req
38. Why can't you?Copy !req
39. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, QueensCopy !req
40. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenesCopy !req
41. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fannyCopy !req
42. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' doorCopy !req
43. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw moreCopy !req
44. She had style, she had flair She was thereCopy !req
45. That's how she became the NannyCopy !req
46. Who would have guessed
That the girl we describedCopy !req
47. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?Copy !req
48. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.Copy !req
49. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!Copy !req
50. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tanCopy !req
51. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named FranCopy !req
52. Val, I cannot believe how our entire
graduating class has aged.Copy !req
53. - Everybody looks so old.
- Yeah.Copy !req
54. You wanna sign the guest book?Copy !req
55. No. I'll tell you, my joints are
all stiff from the dampness.Copy !req
56. You know what? Let's hit the buffetCopy !req
57. - and see what they got.
- Yeah. You know what?Copy !req
58. Let's load up on the finger foodCopy !req
59. because I want it to look really organic
when I flash my new ringCopy !req
60. - under Naomi Dembo's new nose.
- Okay.Copy !req
61. Excuse me, could you pass me a quiche?Copy !req
62. - Ray Barone.
- Hey. You look great.Copy !req
63. - Look at you.
- Thank you.Copy !req
64. - You brought your fiancé.
- No.Copy !req
65. Hey, right there.Copy !req
66. Nice to see you again, buddy.Copy !req
67. No, Ray. Fran's not making up
ridiculous excuses anymore.Copy !req
68. Her fiancé had to go to Washington
to talk to the President.Copy !req
69. He's in the bathroom.Copy !req
70. You know, Raymond, in high school,Copy !req
71. - I had such a crush on you.
- No.Copy !req
72. Well, who didn't?Copy !req
73. Everybody loved Raymond.Copy !req
74. You know, Ray, I understand
congratulations are in order.Copy !req
75. I read in the newsletter
that you just had twins.Copy !req
76. - That must be fabulous.
- Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
77. I have a five-year-old
and twin two-year-old boys.Copy !req
78. So, you know? I don't care
how this reunion goes.Copy !req
79. I'm just happy to be out of the house.Copy !req
80. That was always you, Ray.
Funny and fertile.Copy !req
81. Thank you. And we just got
a deal on a house too.Copy !req
82. No one wanted to live there
because of the noise factor.Copy !req
83. Why? Are you near the airport
or something?Copy !req
84. No, no, across the street from my parents.Copy !req
85. Boy, Ray, I think you better
get back to your table.Copy !req
86. It looks like your wife is getting
a little annoyedCopy !req
87. that you're talking so long
to the two of us.Copy !req
88. No, it's because this is her plate.Copy !req
89. Yeah.Copy !req
90. - Bye. See you.
- Bye, Ray.Copy !req
91. - Fran?
- What?Copy !req
92. Naomi Dembo, 11 o'clock.Copy !req
93. Where?Copy !req
94. That's one o'clock, Val.Copy !req
95. Fran, it's me, Naomi.Copy !req
96. Hi, Naomi. How are you? You look fabulous.Copy !req
97. I know.Copy !req
98. You two, you look stunning.Copy !req
99. - Your hair, your outfits.
- Thank you.Copy !req
100. You see? You wait long enough,
everything comes back again.Copy !req
101. Let's hope the same doesn't apply
to your schnoz.Copy !req
102. - Just like old times.
- I know.Copy !req
103. Come sit at my table.
Gayle, Ivy, Dolores, they're all here.Copy !req
104. - They hated us.
- I know. Come sit.Copy !req
105. Look who it is.Copy !req
106. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
107. Oh, my God.Copy !req
108. - You look awesome.
- Oh, my God.Copy !req
109. - Dotty, tell me.
- Pretty.Copy !req
110. How is that husband of yours,
Mr. Park Avenue doctor?Copy !req
111. Well, the older we got,
the less we found we had in common.Copy !req
112. Yeah. He liked to sleep
with 18-year-olds, and I wasn't one.Copy !req
113. - How awful.
- You're divorced?Copy !req
114. Honey, we all are.Copy !req
115. But you all seemed so happy
at the last reunion.Copy !req
116. You were flashing your wedding picturesCopy !req
117. and showing off your engagement ringsCopy !req
118. which, if you ask me,
I thought was very obnoxious.Copy !req
119. You're happy for two minutes,
and then everything's an argument.Copy !req
120. I think it's cold. He thinks it's hot.Copy !req
121. I like Letterman. He likes Leno.Copy !req
122. I dislike his friends.Copy !req
123. He thinks all mine are shrill,
foul-mouthed boozers.Copy !req
124. He could bite me.Copy !req
125. Frannie, you were the smart one.Copy !req
126. Marriage is the surest way to ruin
any relationship.Copy !req
127. So, what's new with you?Copy !req
128. I'm engaged.Copy !req
129. Frannie!Copy !req
130. You know, Niles, ever since those men came
to take Miss Babcock away...Copy !req
131. You're acting kind of strange.
Why don't you admit you miss her?Copy !req
132. Because I don't miss her.Copy !req
133. Really? Explain tonight's dessert.Copy !req
134. So, what of it?Copy !req
135. All my years of torment and torture have
put her where she is today.Copy !req
136. There's not a moment that goes by
that I don't blame myself.Copy !req
137. But Niles, it was Dad's and Fran's
engagement that sent her over the edge.Copy !req
138. That's what I think,
but I didn't wanna say.Copy !req
139. You want a piece of chin? She's got three.Copy !req
140. - Just gonna pass.
- Okay.Copy !req
141. Okay, home sweet home.Copy !req
142. Come on in.Copy !req
143. So, tell me, Mary Ann,
what does your daddy do?Copy !req
144. He's Chairman and CEO
of Amcon International.Copy !req
145. What does your father do?Copy !req
146. Eats pudding.Copy !req
147. Is anyone hungry?
I'll cut you a slab of Miss Babcock.Copy !req
148. - No.
- No.Copy !req
149. Isn't Fran cool? I can't wait
till her and my dad get married.Copy !req
150. Ever since my dad married
my stepmother, I became invisible.Copy !req
151. I guess I got a little blurryCopy !req
152. when they tried to focus on me
through a martini glass in St. Bart's.Copy !req
153. Well, that won't happen to me.Copy !req
154. - Hello, darling.
- Hi, sweetie.Copy !req
155. - Hello. I'm here.
- Sorry, sweetie.Copy !req
156. - Sorry, didn't see you there.
- Didn't see you.Copy !req
157. Well, my plane landed a little late.Copy !req
158. How was your reunion?Copy !req
159. I'll tell you,
everybody was so self-absorbedCopy !req
160. with their divorces
and their child custody battlesCopy !req
161. that it was nearly impossible to steer
them back to me and my engagement.Copy !req
162. There you go.Copy !req
163. That's why I hate reunions. I'll come up
with any excuse I can to avoid...Copy !req
164. Well, no, this was real.
I actually went to Washington.Copy !req
165. Look, I stole you a White House coasterCopy !req
166. to go with your collection
of pilfered memorabilia.Copy !req
167. Thank you, sweetie.Copy !req
168. You know me so well.Copy !req
169. See, that's why we're never gonna have
the problems that my friends have.Copy !req
170. You wouldn't believe the idiotic reasons
that broke up their marriages.Copy !req
171. I mean, who cares what television show
you watch before you go to bed?Copy !req
172. Well, exactly. Nightline.Copy !req
173. Or TV Land.Copy !req
174. Whatever.Copy !req
175. What difference does it make
if you spend every SundayCopy !req
176. coordinating bathroom towels
with wallpaper?Copy !req
177. Or going to the driving range.Copy !req
178. - Whatever.
- Whatever.Copy !req
179. The important thing is
I'm gonna wake up every morningCopy !req
180. with your arms around me like this.Copy !req
181. Well, actually, to be strictly honest,Copy !req
182. it will be more like this because I sleep
on the left side of the bed.Copy !req
183. ButCopy !req
184. that's my side.Copy !req
185. Well, not anymore.Copy !req
186. But Jews always lie to the left of center.Copy !req
187. Politically, Fran. Not Posturepedically.Copy !req
188. Well, now, wait a minute here.Copy !req
189. It seems like I'm making
all the compromises.Copy !req
190. I mean, I'm the one that's moving out
of my place.Copy !req
191. - I'm moving into your place.
- Yes, well, your place is my placeCopy !req
192. and my place is where it's always been,Copy !req
193. on the left side of the bed.
It's been there for 40 years.Copy !req
194. Yeah, well, I've been on the left side
for... Nice try.Copy !req
195. You know, one of these days you are
gonna have to tell me your exact age.Copy !req
196. All right. Fine.Copy !req
197. You sleep on the left.Copy !req
198. Thank you, Niles.Copy !req
199. Do you have anymore
of that Miss Babcock cake?Copy !req
200. Tons and tons.Copy !req
201. Just as in life, no one's touched her.Copy !req
202. Ma, do you think that it's bad
that me and Mr. Sheffield areCopy !req
203. already fighting
and we aren't even married yet?Copy !req
204. Darling, do you realize that your father
and I wouldn't even speakCopy !req
205. if it weren't for fighting?Copy !req
206. That and ordering.Copy !req
207. You know, Fran, it's healthy
to get out all your differencesCopy !req
208. - before you make a commitment.
- I suppose.Copy !req
209. Look, Kenny and I had to work through
a lot of thingsCopy !req
210. before I would let him live with me.Copy !req
211. Val, Kenny's a dog.Copy !req
212. Let's just say, you know,
we're already fightingCopy !req
213. over what side of the bed we sleep on.Copy !req
214. Darling, trust me, once you have children,Copy !req
215. you'll be too exhausted to fight.Copy !req
216. You'll sleep wherever you land.Copy !req
217. I guess you're right.Copy !req
218. This is all so trivial.Copy !req
219. I mean, the important thing is
Maxwell is a wonderful manCopy !req
220. and we love each other.Copy !req
221. We're gonna make
beautiful babies together.Copy !req
222. All before I'm 30.Copy !req
223. Who wants cake?Copy !req
224. She's loaded with rum,
just like the original.Copy !req
225. - Maxwell.
- Fran.Copy !req
226. - I apologize.
- I'm sorry.Copy !req
227. - You first.
- No, you first.Copy !req
228. - No, you first.
- No, I insist. You first.Copy !req
229. Look at this. We're fighting over
who ends the fight first.Copy !req
230. Well, I did.Copy !req
231. Well, technically it was me, but whatever.Copy !req
232. Sweetie, if you want the left side
of the bed, you got the left side.Copy !req
233. The point is, that is the bed that we are
gonna sleep on for the rest of our lives.Copy !req
234. The bed we're gonna raise a family on.
The bed we're gonna...Copy !req
235. - Excuse me?
- What?Copy !req
236. A family?Copy !req
237. Well, yeah, a family. I mean...Copy !req
238. you know, we've never really discussed
this before, butCopy !req
239. you do wanna have a family with me,
don't you?Copy !req
240. Well, I... You know, I...Copy !req
241. I haven't really given it
much thought yet.Copy !req
242. I mean, we do have three children already.Copy !req
243. Yes, and I love them
like they were my own, but,Copy !req
244. well, I never got to experience them
taking their first steps.Copy !req
245. I never got to rock them in my arms.Copy !req
246. Except for that one time that Maggie came
home sick from a frat party.Copy !req
247. What frat party?Copy !req
248. Frap...Copy !req
249. "Frap" party. Frappuccino, cappuccino.Copy !req
250. All that caffeine made her very dizzy.Copy !req
251. The point is,
I want to experience motherhood.Copy !req
252. I wanna know what it feels like
to be pregnant.Copy !req
253. I wanna wake up and throw up and be sickCopy !req
254. and not just because I opened
my Visa bill.Copy !req
255. Fran, the thing is, I'm not sure
I'm prepared to have more children.Copy !req
256. Well, the time on my biological clock is
running outCopy !req
257. so you better decide in the next 15 years.Copy !req
258. Fran.Copy !req
259. I wanna have a baby.Copy !req
260. She wants a baby of her own.Copy !req
261. Once that happens, you'll get shipped off
to some miserable boarding school.Copy !req
262. Well, why?
You don't go to boarding school.Copy !req
263. - You go to the same school I do.
- My father had a vasectomy.Copy !req
264. Now, darling, I'm sure it's not half
as bad as it seems.Copy !req
265. What could he have said?Copy !req
266. He doesn't wanna have a baby.Copy !req
267. Where is he? I'll kill him.Copy !req
268. Five long years he strings me alongCopy !req
269. and then he pulls this crap on me
seven weeks before my wedding.Copy !req
270. My wedding, Ma.Copy !req
271. It's not natural.
I never heard of such a thing.Copy !req
272. What man doesn't wanna procrastinate
with the woman he loves?Copy !req
273. "Procreate", Ma.Copy !req
274. I don't get it.Copy !req
275. Why doesn't he wanna have children
with me?Copy !req
276. I mean, is there some trait of mineCopy !req
277. that he's afraid I'm gonna pass on
to the kids?Copy !req
278. What could it be?Copy !req
279. Amy Irving.Copy !req
280. Ninety-two million she got
when she split from Spielberg.Copy !req
281. You think she would have gotten nine cents
if she didn't have a kid with him?Copy !req
282. Ma, what does that have to do with us?Copy !req
283. I don't know. It just seemed pertinent.Copy !req
284. Fran, I am telling you right now.Copy !req
285. If I don't get grandchildren out of him,
I will never set foot in this house again.Copy !req
286. Well, congratulations, Ma.Copy !req
287. You have just invented the first
fool-proof male contraceptive.Copy !req
288. Excuse me, sir. I put together
a little card to cheer up Miss Babcock.Copy !req
289. - Would you care to sign?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
290. "Let's hope your recovery is faster
than your metabolism."Copy !req
291. Niles?Copy !req
292. I see what you're getting at.Copy !req
293. Keep up the insults.Copy !req
294. Maintain a sense of normalcy?Copy !req
295. - Yeah.
- There you go.Copy !req
296. Niles,Copy !req
297. I need a little help with something.Copy !req
298. Why can't Fran just be happy
with what she has?Copy !req
299. I mean, we haven't even walked down
the aisle yet.Copy !req
300. What are you talking about, sir?Copy !req
301. Niles, are you telling me
that for the first time in 25 yearsCopy !req
302. you don't know about something
that goes on in this house?Copy !req
303. Yes.Copy !req
304. What's happening to me?Copy !req
305. Without Miss Babcock, me muse is gone.Copy !req
306. Don't be so ridiculous.Copy !req
307. Even before Miss Babcock was here,
you were always a big, fat gossip.Copy !req
308. Excuse me.
I have better things to do than...Copy !req
309. You thought I was fat?Copy !req
310. Look, Fran wants to have a baby with me.Copy !req
311. What? You've forgotten how to do it?Copy !req
312. This is serious, Niles.Copy !req
313. I'm not sure I...Copy !req
314. I don't think I really wanna
go through that again.Copy !req
315. You know, all the crying and the diapersCopy !req
316. and the waking up at 4:00 in the morning.Copy !req
317. Sir, it's really not so bad,
when you consider I did all that.Copy !req
318. You know, come to think of it,
you are too old to have a baby.Copy !req
319. I'm not that old.Copy !req
320. You have three children already.Copy !req
321. Why can't Miss Fine be happy with that?Copy !req
322. Because they're not ours.Copy !req
323. Having a baby is one of those things
that bonds a couple together.Copy !req
324. That's why we're so close.Copy !req
325. You know, maybe it would be fun
to have a baby around the house again.Copy !req
326. Niles, do you remember
when the children were little,Copy !req
327. that Christmas we all baked cookiesCopy !req
328. and I pretended to come down
the chimney as Santa Claus?Copy !req
329. That was me too, sir.Copy !req
330. You thought I should play Santa.Copy !req
331. Probably because I was so fat.Copy !req
332. What's wrong with Blossom?Copy !req
333. Well, I'm worried about what's gonna
happen to meCopy !req
334. after Fran and Daddy get married.Copy !req
335. Gracie found a brochure
for boarding school.Copy !req
336. Oh, man. What ages? What ages? Come on.Copy !req
337. - Eight to 14.
- I'm cool. Write me.Copy !req
338. Don't worry about him. He's an idiot.Copy !req
339. I will always be here for you, Gracie.Copy !req
340. Starting tomorrow. That's Rick.Copy !req
341. Hi, sweetie.Copy !req
342. What's the matter?Copy !req
343. Okay, Fran.
I wanna calmly discuss the situation.Copy !req
344. - Okay.
- I don't wanna go to the placeCopy !req
345. where I'm saying,
"I hate you! I hate you both!"Copy !req
346. Gracie, honey.Copy !req
347. What are you talking about?
What situation?Copy !req
348. Well, it has to do with my friend.Copy !req
349. Your friend?Copy !req
350. Your friend.Copy !req
351. Oh, my God. You got your friend.Copy !req
352. - What?
- Don't worry, sweetie,Copy !req
353. these mood swings are normal.Copy !req
354. Before your cycle, during your cycle
and after your cycle.Copy !req
355. No, Fran, I'm talking
about my friend Mary Ann.Copy !req
356. She said that once you and Daddy
got married, you'd get rid of me.Copy !req
357. And then I found this.Copy !req
358. "Miss Porter's Boarding School"?Copy !req
359. Sweetie, this has gotta be a mistake.Copy !req
360. And it isn't nice for little girls
to go snoopingCopy !req
361. through their father's private mail.Copy !req
362. I don't know where you learn
these things...Copy !req
363. Maybe I shouldn't ask so many questions.Copy !req
364. Come on. We'll go talk to your father.Copy !req
365. Maxwell, we need to talk.Copy !req
366. Now, it's one thing not to want
to have any more children with me,Copy !req
367. but now to send my youngest off
to boarding school?Copy !req
368. Well, if you had bothered to steal
the insertCopy !req
369. that goes with that brochure,
you would know that it was actuallyCopy !req
370. a summer drama camp
on Miss Porter's campus.Copy !req
371. Well, I don't care what it is.Copy !req
372. I am not sending poor little Gracie
off to some miserable camp.Copy !req
373. Hey, Fran, wait. This place looks awesome.Copy !req
374. Eighty-six it, honey.
I'm winning this compromise.Copy !req
375. And furthermore, if this is the way
you're going to behave,Copy !req
376. maybe it's a good thing
that we're not having a child together.Copy !req
377. Fran, I'd like to re-visit
that discussion.Copy !req
378. Go look at your fun brochure, honey.Copy !req
379. Darling, it's not that I don't want
to have children with you.Copy !req
380. It's just that we've waited so long
to be alone together.Copy !req
381. Anyway, you have a lot of time
to have children.Copy !req
382. You're still so young.Copy !req
383. Come on. I mean, you got a point.Copy !req
384. I want us to spend some time
traveling the world together.Copy !req
385. Eating at exotic restaurants,Copy !req
386. sipping champagne on beautiful yachts
as they pull into foreign ports.Copy !req
387. Well, I was thinking about a weekend
in the PoconosCopy !req
388. with a complimentary bagel breakfast,Copy !req
389. but once again, I'll compromise.Copy !req
390. I guess it's okay if we wait a while.Copy !req
391. I mean, after all, you don't make a baby
necessarily on the first time out.Copy !req
392. We're gonna need a lot of practice.Copy !req
393. You know, you're awfully cute
when you compromise.Copy !req
394. And you're awfully cute
when you tell me I'm awfully cute.Copy !req
395. It's a bit more normalcy for Miss Babcock.Copy !req
396. Got a stamp?Copy !req
397. Oh, well, you see,
here's yet another reasonCopy !req
398. why I should be on
the left side of the bed,Copy !req
399. because when I put my mini-fridge
in here, it's gonna open to the right.Copy !req
400. You know, you could put in
a full-size in that cornerCopy !req
401. with a faux wooden door,Copy !req
402. it would pass for an armoire.Copy !req
403. Look, picture-in-picture.Copy !req
404. Mister Ed, and who's Madeleine Albright?Copy !req
405. She's the Secretary of State.Copy !req
406. Now, would you please get out of my room?Copy !req
407. Hon!Copy !req