The Nanny 5x16

Directed by Dorothy Lyman

Jennifer Edwards as Society Woman #2 • Morty Drescher as Uncle Stanley • Dick Martin as Preston Collier • Rowena Balos as Saleswoman • Leslie Rogers as Jewellery salesman

Fran and Maxwell are excited about being invited to a high society dinner, only to discover that they are being made fun of behind their backs.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - Good morning. - Good morning.

2. How does it feel to wake up an engaged woman?

3. Well, you know how sometimes they say when you finally attain your dream,

4. it's always a letdown?

5. They were wrong.

6. Shall I prepare your Carnation Instant Breakfast,

7. Mrs. Sheffield?

8. - You called me Mrs. Sheffield. - I did. I did.

9. - Say it again. Say it again. - Mrs. Sheffield. Mrs. Sheffield.

10. Can you get me a satellite dish?

11. Look, we're only engaged. Wait until after the honeymoon.

12. I'll get you Ted Turner on the roof with a hanger.

13. Who is it?

14. The future Mrs. Sheffield's mother.

15. - Hi, Ma. - So, do we have a ring yet?

16. You know that when they caught the mugger, they never recovered the ring.

17. Meanwhile, that mugger's girlfriend

18. is giving him the conjugal visit of his life.

19. Darling, it's not a real engagement

20. until I can take my daughter's hand

21. and say, "Stick these karats in your soup, Mrs. Glickman."

22. Well, you know,

23. we're gonna use the pop top for a while.

24. I mean, Max and I love each other, and that's all that really matters.

25. I don't care if I ever get a ring.

26. She's turning into a shiksa right before my eyes.

27. - Hi, sweetie. - Darling.

28. - How you feeling? Any better? - A little.

29. My back's still a bit stiff from the mugging.

30. - You know what's good for that? - Walking.

31. Have you ever tried walking through the Diamond District?

32. As a matter of fact, Sylvia, I've set the whole morning aside

33. to take your daughter shopping for an engagement ring.

34. You know, we should go to my Uncle Stanley's jewelry store

35. on 47th Street.

36. He has got a gold-plated borscht belt chess set

37. with a Joey Bishop bishop.

38. It's probably gone.

39. I'd really rather go to my jeweler at Cartier.

40. - Retail? - Retail?

41. Out of the question.

42. Stanley would be so insulted

43. if his future nephew didn't at least stop by.

44. All right.

45. But I have to call C.C. first.

46. With everything that's been going on, I forgot to tell her about the engagement.

47. I've taken care of that for you, sir.

48. Fran and Maxwell are engaged It looks like you're the loser

49. She'll be happy all her days And you'll become a boozer

50. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

51. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

52. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

53. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

54. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

55. She had style, she had flair She was there

56. That's how she became the Nanny

57. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

58. Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed?

59. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

60. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

61. She is the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

62. The flashy girl from Flushing The nanny named Fran

63. I know you can't get your house keys copied at Cartier,

64. but a lot of people say they do have a lot of very nice stuff.

65. Maxwell, look at this. Uncle Stanley designed this himself.

66. It's a lion's head made out of four ounces of diamond chips.

67. He calls it the quarter pounder.

68. - Franny! - Uncle Stanley!

69. - Hi. - Hello, Stanley.

70. What's with the hand? You're practically family.

71. You know,

72. this girl is like a daughter to me.

73. You can have anything in the store at cost.

74. Plus 20% to cover expenses. You understand.

75. Tell me, Stanley. What grade is that stone there?

76. I don't like to label.

77. Is that a crack?

78. If you have to ask, how big could it be?

79. My God, this has to be the gaudiest thing I've ever seen.

80. Eighty-six it. If you like it, I'll try and work him down.

81. No, I'm sorry, Stanley, but I really don't think you have

82. the kind of ring that we're looking for.

83. You need keys?

84. - Well... - Well, maybe for the back door.

85. I can't believe we're in Cartier!

86. And just look at all these diamonds!

87. Of course, we carry an exquisite selection of De Beers.

88. Beer sounds good. I'm a little parched. Grab me a Heiny.

89. Oh, Maxwell!

90. Darling, I just want you to be happy.

91. Oh, my God!

92. It's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.

93. Do you think that the stone is too big for my finger?

94. I can find you something smaller.

95. No, I'll just grow my nail.

96. So, what do you think?

97. Let me see.

98. Now, that taka is a gezunt ring.

99. You know, technically, the kids are Jewish now.

100. It goes by the mother.

101. Maybe that's Miss Babcock. She hasn't seen the ring yet.

102. It is Miss Babcock! It is!

103. Their next gig will be tapping on your grave.

104. What are you so happy about?

105. Hoover introduce its spring line?

106. No, I'm just happy about Miss Fine's engagement.

107. They ain't married yet. I haven't seen a ring.

108. Well, then, C.C. Babcock, come on down.

109. Well, it's beautiful.

110. I have to get back to work.

111. Fran, I just got a phone call. Apparently, we made Liz Smith's column.

112. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Here it is, here it is, here it is.

113. Look at that!

114. "Maxwell Sheffield, Tony Award winner,

115. is marrying the help."

116. Well, you know the old saying,

117. "Doesn't matter what they say about you if they spell your name right."

118. "Fran Fone."

119. Don't let that bother you.

120. The Claringtons cordially invite

121. Mr. Maxwell Sheffield and his fiancée, Fran Fine,

122. to the social event of the year.

123. Do you realize that this is the very first thing

124. that acknowledges me as your future wife?

125. I'm gonna have to take this down to Kinko's,

126. 'cause everyone is telling Ma she's a big fat liar.

127. - Where is it? - I can't remember.

128. No!

129. It's possible I left it under Miss Babcock's sandwich.

130. This is the most exclusive clothing store

131. in all of New York.

132. Apparently, it's so exclusive, they don't even let the clothes in.

133. Where do you think the irregulars are?

134. There.

135. Miss. Excuse me. Hello.

136. I'm sorry, the ladies' room is for customers only.

137. Well, I happen to have an appointment.

138. I have a very important affair that I need something very special for.

139. Well, then, maybe you should try down the street

140. at Flash and Trash.

141. Is that store not great or what?

142. Darling, it's obvious you're cranky

143. because you haven't had lunch.

144. Ever.

145. But my daughter is engaged

146. to Maxwell Sheffield, the Broadway producer.

147. I'm sorry.

148. You're Fran Fone.

149. Yes, that is to whom you are speaking.

150. And this is Mama.

151. Enchanté.

152. And this is my dear friend, Valerie Toriello,

153. of the Flushing Meadows Toriellos.

154. North of the tire recycling center.

155. Well, may I interest any of you in an Issey Miyake?

156. I'll try it.

157. Is it anything likerumaki?

158. I mean, is it in the same family?

159. Val, I'm so nervous about this dinner party.

160. I just want to make a good impression, you know?

161. Help me find something that makes me look a little less—

162. Happy hour?

163. Yeah.

164. How about...?

165. Well, this. How about this?

166. No good?

167. You look like you swallowed an accordion.

168. Girl, come here, come here.

169. You are very upset

170. by this marriage, aren't you?

171. No, I love Fran. And Daddy does, too.

172. No, he doesn't!

173. Ms. Babcock, as hard as this is, you have to accept it,

174. so that you can move on with your life.

175. I've tried.

176. I've really tried,

177. but you don't know how hard it is for me.

178. I'm so alone in this world.

179. The only men I ever meet are the ones I audition.

180. Do you know how many straight chorus boys there are in this town?

181. I do.

182. The only thing I have to look forward to is saying goodbye to Niles.

183. Maxwell told me they were gonna fire him when they got married.

184. I knew you were there. You reek of Tilex.

185. Fran, you look absolutely stunning.

186. I can't wait to get there and show you off.

187. Well, maybe afterwards we could take a stroll through my old neighborhood,

188. and I can show you off.

189. Although, then I'd have to leave the ring at home.

190. - I'll go get the car. - Okay.

191. Niles, I'm so nervous about this party tonight.

192. What do I have in common with these people?

193. You've been to parties like this before.

194. Yeah, but I was never invited.

195. Well, what the hell. Wish me luck.

196. You don't need luck, Miss Fine. You have style. You have flair.

197. That's how you became the nanny.

198. Niles, it is just all so romantic.

199. I mean, it's so magical.

200. He treats me like a princess.

201. I'm coming!

202. We are so married.

203. I'll tell you, I just love what you've done to your house.

204. You know, my aunt has a ceiling mural, too.

205. Only she's got a cottage cheese ceiling,

206. so all the cherubs look like they have acne.

207. It's not as nice.

208. - Hello, darling. - Hi, sweetie.

209. Maxwell, your fiancée is just delightful.

210. - Wherever did you find her? - Well, believe it or not,

211. she just turned up at my doorstep, selling cosmetics.

212. I believe it.

213. It's just like that film with Richard Gere

214. when he married the hooker.

215. I remind you of Julia Roberts?

216. Thanks.

217. And I thought I wasn't gonna fit in.

218. So, Kyle, tell me, how's your portfolio holding up

219. with all this business in the Asian markets?

220. Still in the black, but I'm thinking of consolidating.

221. You know, speaking of consolidating,

222. you have so much smoked salmon left over.

223. I'm gonna condense it onto one plate. You'll have lox and eggs all weekend.

224. Is this caviar still good?

225. Let's see.

226. I can't tell unless I have it on toast point.

227. Do you believe how they're ripping apart Maxwell Sheffield's fiancée?

228. It's disgraceful.

229. I would die if they talked behind my back that way.

230. I feel so sorry for her.

231. Ma, there I thought that I was really fitting in,

232. and they were really liking me and...

233. they were just laughing at me behind my back.

234. I don't know.

235. For the first time, I'm beginning to wonder...

236. Maybe I'm not good enough for Maxwell.

237. What did they serve?

238. Ma, I'm pouring my heart out to you.

239. Medallions of beef with a so-so béarnaise.

240. Darling, do you remember when we went to the Doral Hotel

241. - in Miami Beach? - Yeah.

242. And I went to the pool bar wearing a string bikini?

243. Do you know why people were laughing behind my back?

244. Because that was the view that was funny?

245. No. Because they were jealous.

246. Because I dared to be different.

247. You're different. Unique.

248. What was the dessert?

249. Ma, you know, I know you're just trying to help me,

250. but sometimes you don't wanna be different.

251. Sometimes you just wanna fit in.

252. - Hello, Fran. - Hi.

253. Hello...

254. Ma.

255. Well, that was supremely awkward.

256. - Would you mind if we stick with Sylvia? - Of course.

257. I mean, it's all so new.

258. I mean, we hardly see each other.

259. Maybe I should come over more often.

260. Ma, Ma, Ma!

261. Ma! It's the most natural thing in the world. You see?

262. So, has your daughter been telling you what a smash hit she was last night?

263. Let's not rehash my triumph.

264. It was a wonderful evening. I loved them. They loved me. We loved each other.

265. Well, that's good.

266. Because I invited them all over here Saturday night for dinner.

267. Yeah, you know, the Broadway investor is a dying breed,

268. and all these people are potential backers.

269. Whom I'm sure you will charm just like you did last night.

270. Good, honey. Can't wait. Bye.

271. Ma, can you believe that?

272. He's invited them all over for dinner.

273. And he's gonna be counting on me.

274. And I'm gonna humiliate him.

275. What are you gonna serve?

276. Would you like some company?

277. Why would you want to sit next to me?

278. Because you got the chicken.

279. Here you go.

280. It was extra crispy, but I've been crying.

281. I know you.

282. Your picture was in the society column.

283. You're Fran Fone.

284. You read the society column?

285. Read it, sleep on it, whatever.

286. Why, why are you crying?

287. I don't want to burden you with my problems.

288. Would you like a hanky?

289. Thank you.

290. No.

291. Did you ever feel like you didn't belong?

292. Like you were a complete loser,

293. and you were about to disappoint the man of your dreams?

294. Yeah.

295. Look at me, going on and on about my problems,

296. when I have so much to be grateful for.

297. You know what?

298. Let me give you my home address.

299. And if ever you're in the neighborhood

300. and you're hungry, please stop by.

301. We always have lots of chicken.

302. But if a woman named Sylvia answers the door,

303. you're out of luck.

304. Here you go.

305. You're a very sweet, young lady,

306. and I can't imagine that you could disappoint any man.

307. Say, would you like a Life Saver?

308. Thank you, no.

309. Well, I've heard of fashionably late,

310. but three hours is bloody avant-garde.

311. Well, this is a disaster. I've got enough shrimp to feed 45 people.

312. Don't worry, Niles. I'll invite Ma to brunch tomorrow.

313. Great. Now I have to go out and get more.

314. I just don't understand. Is it me?

315. Did I say something to offend them?

316. Well, you know, honey, a lot of people drive Jaguars,

317. so you're bound to get some anti-British sentiment.

318. Sweetie, you know, you did do something.

319. You're such a rich, classy, society guy

320. and you're marrying so beneath you.

321. What are you talking about?

322. The reason why nobody is here tonight is because they hated me.

323. They were all laughing behind my back.

324. I'm the reason why you're losing

325. all of your potential new backers.

326. Niles, what time is it?

327. - It's 9:07. - Remember that time.

328. This is the moment Maxwell Sheffield realizes

329. he couldn't possibly marry Nanny Fine.

330. Well, to hell with them!

331. My poor darling.

332. Don't you realize you're worth more to me than any of them?

333. I love you.

334. 9:07 and 10 seconds.

335. Please. Let's see just how far that love takes you

336. when you're standing on a corner with a sign around your neck that says,

337. "Will produce revival of Brigadoon for food."

338. - Good evening, sir. - Hello.

339. I believe I was invited.

340. Oh, my God. Would you excuse me a minute, Fran?

341. No, no. I'll take care of this. I met him in the park

342. and I told him that if he were hungry,

343. he can come by and I'd give him some food, and maybe a couple of bucks.

344. - What are you talking about? - What?

345. This is Preston Collier. I invited him.

346. When Bill Gates needs to borrow a cup of money,

347. this is the door he knocks on.

348. - Preston, I'm so glad you could make it. - Thank you.

349. You have a wonderful woman here, Max.

350. You know, she thought I was hungry, and she invited me right into your home.

351. Me, someone she just met on a park bench.

352. That is so sweet and so like her.

353. Don't ever do that again.

354. So, if you're rich,

355. then what were you doing hanging out in Preston Collier Park?

356. Wait a minute.

357. You know, Max, I don't ordinarily invest in shows,

358. but you obviously have impeccable taste.

359. Whatever amount it is, count me in.

360. I'm calling it. Time of death, 9:10.

361. Hi.

362. - Hi, Sylvia. - Hi, Sylvia.

363. Darlings, I understand.

364. You're still not comfortable calling me Grandma yet.

365. It's still new.

366. Maybe, if I came by more often...

367. - Grandma! - Nana!

368. Bubbe!