The Nanny 5x11

Directed by Dorothy Lyman

Fred Stoller as Fred, the pharmacist • Michael Bolton as Michael Bolton • Scott Baio as Dr. Frankie Cresitelli

Fran's attempt to treat her hemorrhoids proves embarrassing.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Fran, I've been wearing a training bra for about three months now,

2. and what is it exactly that it trains them to do?

3. You know, honey, you really can't train them.

4. Eventually, they're just gonna get older and go their separate ways.

5. Funny you should bring this up.

6. Since I started my diet,

7. I went down an entire cup size.

8. What cup size did you go down to, Ma? The Stanley?

9. Never mind. I'm doing good.

10. Even the soup that I brought over is diet.

11. - Cabbage, tomato, onion soup mix. - Yeah, it's delicious.

12. Plus I added a little seasoning to give it some flavor.

13. - With what? - Tortellini.

14. It's Val.

15. Hi, sweetie.

16. Hi.

17. Fran, you are not gonna believe what I got from my cousin Giggy.

18. - What? - Two tickets to the launching party

19. of Michael Bolton's new opera album.

20. Oh, my God! Michael Bolton! Wait a minute.

21. Your cousin Giggy knows Michael Bolton?

22. You bet. Do you know that Giggy is

23. responsible for him cutting all his hair off?

24. - How? - Apparently, you can't say "Bolton"

25. without spitting out your gum.

26. And for that, Michael Bolton gave your schmuck cousin tickets?

27. Let me guess. The tickets fell out of Bolton's pocket

28. when he was beating Giggy up.

29. How lucky are we?

30. So are you free Saturday night, Fran?

31. Is she free Saturday?

32. What? You're not?

33. I'd love to go.

34. I only wish this was something that Mr. Sheffield would invite me to.

35. You know, Michael Bolton, he sings such romantic songs.

36. Well, Fran, you know, Daddy asked you out on the first date,

37. why don't you ask him out on the second?

38. Ma raised me to believe

39. that it's the man that should do the courting of the woman.

40. Sweetheart, I didn't know what I was saying.

41. It was the '60s. I was taking a lot of antacid.

42. You know what? I think you're right.

43. I am going to march myself in there

44. and ask Mr. Sheffield to this Michael Bolton concert.

45. - You go, girl! - Yeah.

46. You know, I'm no genius,

47. but I don't think she's gonna be able to get tickets at this late date.

48. You really don't need the "I'm no genius" part, Val.

49. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

50. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

51. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

52. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

53. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

54. She had style, she had flair She was there

55. That's how she became the Nanny

56. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

57. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

58. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

59. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

60. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

61. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

62. Ma? Ma?

63. So, what do you think? It's almost finished.

64. What, are you nuts? Don't you think it's a little crooked?

65. Not to me.

66. Ma! You're scaring me.

67. You know, our people are not talented in this regard.

68. That's why there's no Home Depot in Jerusalem.

69. More importantly than that,

70. I got up the nerve to ask Mr. Sheffield out on a date,

71. and he said yes!

72. I figured it when I saw the love bite on your neck.

73. What?

74. What?

75. What is that?

76. Enough already. You don't have to hide.

77. You can have a hickey at your age.

78. You can have osteoporosis at your age.

79. It goes all the way down my body!

80. Mazel tov, darling!

81. Ma, stop it! This is a terrible rash. It's disgusting!

82. I'm supposed to go out with Mr. Sheffield tonight.

83. Well, put some salve on it.

84. Ma, this is anchovy paste.

85. Taste the Dippity-Do. See if it's mint jelly.

86. Honey, would you do me a favor?

87. Go over to the fragrance counter and pick me up some perfume.

88. Here's my list.

89. Fran, you want me to buy 12 bottles of perfume?

90. Samples, honey, samples.

91. Excuse me. I'm wondering whether you can help me—

92. - Hey. I remember you. - What?

93. Wait, don't tell me. I never forget a condition.

94. - You came in about ticks. - No.

95. - Worms. Lice! You had head lice. - Look—

96. I knew it was a parasite.

97. Congratulations.

98. Now, if you could just keep your voice down.

99. I want you to tell me where I can find something to help me with this.

100. Why are you showing me that? It's nauseous-making.

101. If you can't stand looking at a simple rash,

102. why do you work here?

103. It's near my house.

104. Does the rash have any oozing or odor?

105. - Has it formed a crust? - Stop it!

106. Never mind. I'll go find something myself.

107. - Miss Babcock. Hi. - Hi.

108. - What's that in your hand? - What's that in your hand?

109. I think I got a fairly good look at that box.

110. I think I got a fairly good look at that bottle.

111. Interesting situation.

112. Certainly is.

113. Let's just say no one will ever know what you have,

114. and no one will ever know what I have.

115. - That's all fine with me. - Okay.

116. I know what you both got.

117. But a date with each of you will keep me quiet.

118. A terrible rash.

119. Pick me up Thursday at 8.

120. - Miss Fine. - Hello.

121. You look absolutely brilliant.

122. Brilliant?

123. That is so...

124. something I've never heard before.

125. I just want you to know that,

126. well, I am genuinely thrilled

127. you asked me out with you this evening.

128. That's so good... To hear. To hear.

129. Not only that, but I wanted to tell you that,

130. had you not asked me out with you, I would probably—

131. No, not probably. I was actually planning—

132. You know, that is so sweet. Go. Get the car.

133. I just gotta get my purse here. I just gotta get my purse.

134. Miss Fine, no one wants this to happen more than I do,

135. but your whole body is covered with blotches.

136. Why don't you just cancel this evening?

137. Five years, two dates.

138. I don't care if I gotta lose a toe and keep it on ice in my purse,

139. I'm going.

140. All right. Why don't I go get us some cocktails?

141. Sounds good.

142. Yeah, well, the bar's 40 deep.

143. So, what do you say we have a quick dance first?

144. - I'd love to. - Come on.

145. I'm sorry.

146. I should have shaved before we came out.

147. No. It's good. It's good. Thank God.

148. Excuse me?

149. Oh, my God, Michael Bolton! Michael Bolton.

150. I just love your voice.

151. It's so soulful and raspy.

152. You know, yours is the only music

153. that can cut through a Fine family function.

154. Yes. Thanks a lot. I think.

155. Hello, Michael. Maxwell Sheffield.

156. Listen, congratulations on your CD. It's really wonderful.

157. And I just love your new look.

158. Yes. The big hair, that's not happening anymore, you know?

159. On men. On men.

160. Michael, Michael, would you mind? I am your biggest fan.

161. Would you please autograph this for me?

162. - I don't— - Just do it on my back.

163. And press hard because, you know, that ballpoint doesn't work so good.

164. Yeah. To Fran. To the left. To the left.

165. My biggest fan. To the right. To the right.

166. Okay. Yeah. I am very, very, very, very...

167. - Miss Fine. - Okay. All right.

168. Thank you. Thank you so much. That was really good Michael, really good.

169. - I'm gonna go now. - Okay.

170. This is weird.

171. Good evening.

172. Sony Classical and Michael Bolton welcome you

173. to the launching of his new Arias album.

174. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Bolton.

175. You look so beautiful tonight.

176. I rather wish we were alone.

177. Mr. Sheffield.

178. You don't know how good that makes me feel.

179. What do you say the two of us just slip away?

180. Yes. Yes.

181. I can't wait to get out of this dress.

182. - Then I'll go get us a room. - Okay.

183. Here we are.

184. - How about a glass of champagne? - Sounds great.

185. Hey, wait for me.

186. You know what, I think that we should just call the house first

187. and make sure everybody knows we're gonna be late.

188. - Now? - Yeah. We don't want them to worry.

189. Hi, sweetie. Hi, angel. Yeah.

190. Good. Yeah.

191. That sounds fabulous, angel. Yeah.

192. Why don't you tell your daddy? Gracie, she really wants to talk to you.

193. Now?

194. Hello, sweetheart.

195. You know, If you're gonna be blabbing on the phone all night,

196. I am just gonna run downstairs

197. and get an autographed picture from Michael Bolton for Ma.

198. Now?

199. Just be a minute. Just a minute.

200. Where is he? Where is he? Where's the doctor?

201. Doctor Cresitelli will be with you in just a moment.

202. Cresitelli? This is a matter of life or death!

203. I need a Glickman or a Schwartz!

204. Hi.

205. I'm Doctor Cresitelli. How we doing?

206. I've been better. I have a terrible, terrible rash.

207. Can you just give me a minute? I need to settle in.

208. You're my first patient.

209. - Of the night? - No, ever.

210. Wait a minute. Cresitelli. Cresitelli.

211. You wouldn't happen to be Frankie Cresitelli

212. from Parsons Junior High?

213. Yeah. Yeah. The best six years of my life.

214. No, wait. I know—

215. You're Fran Finay.

216. It's Fine, again.

217. They didn't buy it.

218. How did you ever become a doctor? You couldn't even play Operation.

219. Just calm down.

220. Real people are a lot bigger than that little cardboard guy.

221. I know I saw a Lieberman out there!

222. Fran, take it easy. That was a long time ago.

223. - I'm a professional now. - Okay. I'm sorry.

224. - Let's have a look see. - Okay.

225. - What's the matter? What's the matter? - Oh, God.

226. Nothing. I can...

227. I could take care of that.

228. With a shot.

229. Fine. Give me anything.

230. The man of my dreams is right across the street

231. in a beautiful hotel room, and he's finally ready to get intimate.

232. I'll give you this shot of cortisone. It should straighten you out, okay?

233. I'm gonna give it in your rear, because, there's less pain in a big, fleshy area.

234. I take it you got a D in bedside manner, Frankie!

235. There we go.

236. You know, I think that the itching stopped already.

237. - Boy can it be working this fast? - Goes right into the bloodstream.

238. Oh, my God! Frankie. Thank you. Thank you.

239. - Wish me luck. - Good luck.

240. - Okay. Bye. - Take care.

241. Hey. Wait a minute.

242. Are you allergic to any medication?

243. I should've asked that first, right?

244. Well, okay, sweetheart.

245. Well, it sounds like you had a really, very fun day.

246. Wait, wait, wait. There's more.

247. So I go over to Susie's house, and her cousin—

248. - What's her name, Niles? - Lily.

249. Yeah, yeah. Lily.

250. She is so funny, Daddy. She—

251. What?

252. Daddy wants to talk to you.

253. - Yes, sir? - Put her to bed!

254. Mr. Sheffield, I'm back.

255. You wait right there. Don't you move.

256. - Don't move a thing. - Okay.

257. How long

258. have we dreamt of this moment?

259. Here we...

260. What? What's the matter?

261. Oh, my God!

262. No, no, no. It's all right. Don't panic. Don't panic.

263. Don't panic. It's gonna be okay. It's all right.

264. No, no. Calm down. It's all right.

265. - You'll be all right. - Oh, my God. I'm gonna faint.

266. - No. - I'm gonna faint.

267. - No, no, no. No, Miss Fine. No! - I'm gonna...

268. Maybe we need to bring in a specialist.

269. At least a doctor with two days' experience.

270. This reaction happens sometimes with cortisone, prednisone, Toblerone.

271. Doctor, I have an enlarged daughter.

272. Do something!

273. Mr. Sheffield,

274. you're never gonna find me attractive again.

275. Miss Fine, don't you be ridiculous.

276. There's two, three, six times as much of you to love.

277. That's very sweet.

278. Kill me, Frankie. Kill me!

279. I'm gonna give you a shot to counteract the cortisone okay?

280. And it won't hurt a bit.

281. I just need to find a big, fleshy, pinky anything.

282. Miss Fine, we traced your original rash to a food allergen.

283. Have you recently had any gourds? Pumpkins? Squash?

284. No, no.

285. It wasn't in any of that chicken you made, Niles, last night, was it?

286. Of course not. That was just roast chicken with sage.

287. Sage? I am allergic to sage!

288. Oh, really?

289. I thought time was your enemy.

290. - Excuse me, doctor. - Yeah?

291. But if someone jazzed up a diet soup with pumpkin tortellini filled with squash

292. and she ate it, would it be my fault?

293. Ma!

294. Sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

295. Maxwell, there's a horrifying glimpse of the future.

296. The 250-pound apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

297. Oh, good morning, Miss Fine. Glad to see you're all back to normal.

298. Yeah. Much better, thank you.

299. You know...

300. It's a real pity we were interrupted.

301. I thought maybe tonight we could pick up where we left off.

302. You know, Mr. Sheffield,

303. I really prefer when things are kind of spontaneous.

304. Well, perhaps you're right.

305. Maybe it's a sign we should wait.

306. We'll know when the time is right.

307. Oy, I could kill you, Ma.