1. I don't know why I applied to Princeton.
I'll never get in with my SAT scores.
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2. Honey, you wanna get in,
forget your SAT scores.
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3. Just attach your father's TRW.
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4. Fran, I have to go
to an out-of-town college.
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5. If I stay in this house,
I'm not gonna have any social life.
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6. It's the house?
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7. It's amazing. You win three Tonys,
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8. and suddenly
everyone's returning your phone calls.
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9. Miss Fine, you'll never guess
who's agreed to star in my new show.
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10. Don't tell me it's the woman
that was snubbed by the Academy
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11. for best director for the best
motion picture ever made, Yentl?
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12. Let me ask you something.
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13. If Barbra Streisand and your mother
were both drowning,
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14. who would you save?
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15. I'd save my mother.
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16. Barbra can walk on water.
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17. I give up. Well, I got Morgan Faulkner.
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18. Oh, my God! I love Morgan Faulkner.
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19. Morgan Faulkner?
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20. I went to high school with her
when she was Marcy Feldman.
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21. - She happens to be a great actress.
- And one hell of a magician.
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22. She made half her nose disappear
between 10th and 11th grade.
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23. Behave yourself.
She'll be here in a few minutes.
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24. Well, I'm going upstairs.
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25. I can't stand to be around people
who are ashamed of who they are.
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26. Don't you even want to see her?
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27. And have her find out I'm a nanny?
Have you gone mental?
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28. We were the most popular girls
in high school and very competitive.
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29. - What happened between you?
- Well, I'm a maid,
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30. and she's on the cover of Elle.
I'd say we have a winner.
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31. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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32. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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33. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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34. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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35. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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36. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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37. That's how she became the Nanny
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38. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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39. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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40. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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41. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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42. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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43. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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44. Sylvia has invited us over
for the Jewish holiday.
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45. Is this the holiday Miss Fine said
you can't eat all day then stuff yourself,
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46. or you light candles then stuff yourself,
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47. or the one where you build a straw hut,
then stuff yourself?
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48. I believe it's where you hide crackers
from small children,
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49. then stuff yourself.
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50. Passover.
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51. Maxwell, I don't wanna look
a gift horse in the mouth, but—
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52. Then don't floss in a mirror.
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53. Why is Nanny Fine hiding
from Morgan Faulkner?
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54. They were at high school together,
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55. and Miss Fine's a little embarrassed
about being a nanny.
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56. What about you? Aren't you embarrassed
about being a butler?
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57. - I don't know Morgan Faulkner.
- No. I mean, in general.
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58. Morgan, do come in.
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59. I am so thrilled to be working with you.
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60. Wait two weeks and see if you say that.
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61. - I'm his partner, C.C. Babcock.
- It's a pleasure.
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62. Wait five minutes and see if you say that.
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63. Miss Faulkner, I am such a big fan.
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64. - I got your autograph at the Whiskey Bar.
- The Whiskey Bar?
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65. - I'm sorry. I don't remember.
- Why would you? I was never there.
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66. Your daughter's very beautiful.
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67. Is there a Mrs. Sheffield?
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68. Are my ears burning?
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69. Morgan, it's Fran.
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70. Fran Fine.
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71. From Hillcrest High.
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72. Miss Fine, Morgan meets so many people.
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73. Why doesn't she recognize me?
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74. She's the one that got everything changed.
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75. That Fran Fine.
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76. Don't tell me you're Mrs. Sheffield?
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77. Let's just say,
we don't need to sign a piece of paper.
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78. But the kids adore me.
I live here. You fill in the blanks.
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79. So you're the nanny.
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80. And the blanks are filled.
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81. Ma, how come you're cooking for 12
when Passover's a week away?
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82. What Passover?
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83. I did five minutes of a Jane Fonda tape.
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84. I feel lightheaded.
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85. Ma, do you ever question the choices
that you make in life?
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86. Sometimes I'm sitting across the table
from your father...
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87. - Yeah.
- and I look at his face...
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88. - Yeah?
- And I wonder,
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89. is he gonna finish that lamb chop?
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90. I'm wondering what Jane Fonda tape
you were exercising to? Klute?
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91. Ma, put the fork down for two seconds.
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92. I'm very upset about something.
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93. Mr. Sheffield hired Morgan Faulkner
to star in his new play.
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94. Darling, what's bothering you?
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95. That she's a big star and you're a maid?
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96. Mamaleh, don't look
into other people's windows.
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97. You never know
what someone's life is truly like.
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98. You see the woman across the alley?
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99. For years, I envied her fancy apartment,
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100. and then, one day,
I realized she was born blind.
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101. What makes you think that?
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102. Her bedroom window
looks directly into ours,
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103. and she has never even looked.
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104. Ma, she wasn't born blind.
She made herself that way.
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105. What's cooking?
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106. I've been experimenting with recipes
for your mother's Seder.
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107. I've made kreplach, knaidlach,
tsimmis and gribenes.
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108. Yummy.
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109. Boy, Niles, you're really
taking this seriously, aren't you?
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110. Oy, I've been eating like a chazer.
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111. My pants I can't zip,
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112. and when are you getting married already?
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113. You know, it takes a lot more
to being Jewish than just cooking.
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114. There's a whole other wiener
you gotta schnitzel, mister.
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115. Where's Mr. Sheffield?
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116. He's with Miss Fancy-Schmancy,
movie star, big shot.
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117. You know, this is getting scary.
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118. Quick, eat a piece of ham. Play a sport.
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119. You're far more sanguine about
Miss Faulkner than you were yesterday.
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120. First of all, welcome back.
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121. Second of all, I'm trying.
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122. You know,
I don't like to look through windows.
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123. Fine. All right. Thank you.
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124. Just wait till you see this marquee,
Morgan. It just went up.
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125. - My name better be above the title.
- Of course it is.
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126. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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127. Excuse me.
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128. Hi, Morgan. I didn't know you were here.
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129. I'm sorry. Do you need to clean in here?
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130. For your information, I don't clean.
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131. I'm not even a real nanny.
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132. I'm in the witness protection program.
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133. Come on, Fran, you don't need to pretend.
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134. It's just me, two-time Academy Award
winning Morgan Faulkner.
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135. Did I mention I just did a pilot?
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136. Really? What airline?
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137. I'm sorry. I—
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138. I shouldn't look through windows.
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139. You know, your life seems very glamorous,
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140. but I'm sure you live like a gypsy.
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141. You don't even have a real home.
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142. Well, actually,
I have a compound in Malibu.
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143. But you're lonely.
You don't have any real friends.
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144. Well, I don't get to see Demi and Uma
as often because I'm dating a Kennedy.
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145. - Does your mother live at the compound?
- I hardly ever see her.
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146. She moved to Boca.
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147. Would you fill out
this lotto card for me, please?
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148. Fran, I got rejected
from Princeton and Vasser.
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149. Sweetie, come here.
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150. If it makes you feel any better,
I didn't even go to college.
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151. Really?
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152. I didn't go to college either.
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153. I know what that girl needs.
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154. I just lost my assistant.
It's a great job. It's exciting.
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155. - She'll meet celebrities.
- Wait a minute.
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156. You can't give a kid like that a job.
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157. Not when I've known you
since high school.
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158. Can't you throw me a bone?
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159. I can't believe Morgan took away
the only daughter I never had.
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160. How many shiksa goddesses
do they think I got in me?
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161. For dessert at your mother's Passover,
I thought I'd bring some nice fresh fruit.
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162. You're gonna slide a cheesecake
under that, aren't you?
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163. You're not going to want a rich dessert
after such a heavy meal?
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164. Yeah, we are.
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165. Niles, take a look at this poster
for the show.
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166. Doesn't Morgan look incredibly...
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167. Old.
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168. I wanna see.
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169. She looks gorgeous.
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170. Is it retouched?
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171. No. Yes.
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172. Maxwell, I just saw the posters of Morgan.
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173. - They are—
- C.C...
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174. Miss Fine is a little sensitive
about Morgan right now.
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175. Thank you.
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176. Doesn't she look stunning?
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177. I mean, hot, sexy.
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178. Why are you being so hurtful?
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179. I've got nothing.
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180. I make minimum wage.
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181. I don't have a man in my life.
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182. I'm probably gonna die alone like a dog.
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183. Here.
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184. Nanny Fine, I am so sorry.
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185. I feel terrible.
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186. Got guilt?
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187. I would have made such a good mother.
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188. Look at this. It's almost 9:00.
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189. What kind of an irresponsible idiot
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190. keeps a kid out on a school night?
I'll never know.
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191. I'm going to Eric's.
Be back in a couple of hours.
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192. Okay, honey. Have fun.
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193. Miss Fine, do you think your anger
and dismay could possibly be coming
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194. from a belief that Morgan
has something that you haven't?
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195. Like what? Other than it all?
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196. This isn't about me and Morgan.
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197. Ever since Maggie took this job,
I never see her.
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198. I have nothing to do all day.
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199. You could take care
of my other two children.
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200. No, I'm distancing myself from them.
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201. I owe them money.
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202. Dad, this job is so exciting.
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203. Morgan is fabulous.
I'm learning so much from her.
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204. She's killing me!
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205. Now, now, Miss Fine,
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206. this job is the best thing
that could have happened to her.
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207. Cool. Because I'm going to Europe with her
and I'm not going to college.
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208. She's killing me!
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209. Look at this.
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210. I just figured out how to add
ten more seats in the theater.
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211. Lose the damn wheelchair row.
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212. My daughter is not giving up college
to go to Europe as Morgan's gofer.
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213. Why would anyone want
to spend their entire life
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214. waiting on someone hand and foot
like a bloody lackey?
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215. For the glory, sir.
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216. Would you look at the beak
Morgan had in high school?
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217. You know, her first acting job
was sitting on Baretta's shoulder.
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218. How is Margaret gonna make anything
of herself if she doesn't go to college?
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219. I know four years at Oxford
opened a lot of doors for me.
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220. If Margaret isn't gonna listen to me,
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221. I'm gonna go down there
and make Morgan fire her.
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222. You could lose her forever if you do that.
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223. - C.C., my daughter isn't—
- Not the string bean. Morgan.
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224. Mr. Sheffield, I'll go and take care of it.
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225. I mean, you're not gonna get Morgan
to fire Maggie.
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226. The whole concept of firing eludes you.
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227. Look who you've got on the payroll:
Harpo, Groucho and Drain-o.
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228. Would you please tell this guy
that I am not a hooker?
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229. It's okay. I know her.
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230. - I'm sorry. Did you wanna come in?
- Yes.
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231. I'm gonna make this short and sweet.
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232. Evita is playing on pay-per-view.
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233. Can we talk in a couple hours?
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234. Fran, I need to get down to rehearsal.
What's on your mind?
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235. Well, Mr. Sheffield wants Maggie
to go to college.
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236. He does not want her
schlepping around after you.
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237. Personally, I think she's a blond heiress
with legs up to here,
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238. so higher education is no es necesito.
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239. But it's your job
to make Mr. Sheffield happy.
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240. From your mouth to God's ears.
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241. He is cute.
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242. And impotent, a tragic irony.
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243. God, this takes me right back
to high school.
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244. I can see why we never got along.
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245. Well, you were always acting
superior to me,
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246. bossing me around all the time.
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247. That is ridiculous.
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248. Zip me up.
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249. - Get that.
- Wait a minute.
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250. We're going right back
into our old patterns.
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251. You don't want cracked crab?
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252. Maybe this one last time.
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253. Yummy.
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254. I don't know what the big deal is.
Maggie won't be an assistant forever.
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255. She'll make connections. She'll go places.
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256. If I'd listened to my father, I'd be
working in that bridal shop in Flushing.
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257. Well, you know, you and me, we got out.
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258. But Maggie is not
the mover and shaker that we are.
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259. - Hi.
- Sweetie.
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260. Hi, angel.
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261. This job is so cool.
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262. Today, I met Woody Allen.
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263. - Is that exciting?
- I know.
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264. You stay away from him.
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265. Listen, honey, I know that you think
that this job beats going to college,
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266. but I just hope that someday
you don't regret it.
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267. How do I know I'm gonna regret it?
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268. I can't dwell on
all the negative, horrible things
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269. that might happen in the future.
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270. I keep forgetting you're not Jewish.
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271. Crab?
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272. Happy Pesach!
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273. - So, did we say that right?
- Beautiful.
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274. I hope this brisket goes
with what you're serving.
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275. It's perfect with potato latkes.
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276. Assuming that you brought some.
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277. I just want to thank you for inviting me.
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278. Please, Niles, you're like family.
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279. Is there anything else I can do?
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280. Well, you prepared the food,
I guess it's only right
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281. that you have the pleasure
of serving it too.
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282. Would you start with the gefilte fish?
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283. And maybe you'll make
a little radish rosette?
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284. Sweetheart,
before you make yourself comfortable,
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285. would you bring Uncle Morty
his holiday hair?
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286. Hi, everybody.
Mr. Sheffield, Happy Passover.
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287. Miss Fine, where's Margaret?
Why isn't she with you?
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288. Let's see,
going to a club with Johnny Depp,
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289. or sucking on whitefish bones?
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290. I see. She's gonna finish out the day,
then she's fired and going to college?
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291. Well, actually,
I sort of let her make that decision.
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292. You what? Are you out of your mind?
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293. Tomorrow, I'll fire her.
But first, I'll practice on you.
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294. This is the holiday where we don't yell
and then stuff ourselves.
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295. "Why on this night
do we eat bitter herbs?"
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296. "To symbolize the bitter and cruel way
we were treated in the pharaoh."
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297. "Why on this night
do we dip our foods in saltwater?"
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298. "To remind us of the tears we've shed."
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299. "Why on this night
do we recline on a pillow?"
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300. "Because once we were slaves
and now we are a free people."
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301. That was beautiful, sweetheart.
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302. You forgot the last question.
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303. "When is daddy
gonna marry my daughter already?"
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304. That question was to remind us
of my suffering.
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305. Why don't I get that?
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306. Would you?
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307. If she thinks
I'm coming for Rosh Hashanah,
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308. she's got another thing coming.
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309. Hi.
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310. - Margaret.
- Maggie.
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311. What are you doing here?
Why aren't you working?
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312. Actually, I quit.
I thought about what Fran said.
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313. Honey. What did I say?
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314. Well, you know,
how I'm a blond heiress, and I needed—
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315. Fast forward.
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316. But that I don't want to regret
not going to college someday.
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317. Did you tape Evita?
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318. - I'm so glad, sweetheart.
- Here. Sit down.
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319. You're rehired, Harpo.
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320. You know what?
She is such a slave driver.
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321. I walk in there,
she wants me to turn around,
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322. drive to the airport in rush hour
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323. to pick up Barbra Streisand and James—
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324. Brolin? Give me the keys.
Give me the keys!
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325. It's the miracle of Passover.
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326. The Messiah is coming.
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327. Does everyone eat like this
on the Jewish holiday, Miss Fine?
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328. Why do you think
we wandered the desert for 40 years?
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329. We were walking off the meal.
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330. I'll never eat again.
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331. I'm so full.
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332. I can't even move.
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333. You know, call me crazy,
but I could go for a little sweet.
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334. You know,
I could go for a bissel cheesecake.
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335. I made some strudel.
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336. You know, I could have some napoleons.
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