1. "Miracle soap washes away fat.
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2. Shower and shed pounds at the same time."
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3. Wow, Ma, that's perfect for you.
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4. You can use a bar of Dove
to get rid of your Dove Bar.
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5. Ladies, tell me, what could be better
than my new play
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6. being nominated for a Tony Award?
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7. Your face on my grandchild.
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8. No, seriously, Sylvia,
I've been nominated for five Tonys.
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9. - Mr. Sheffield, I'm so— Am I coming too?
- Of course.
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10. happy for you!
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11. So, what is the play about?
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12. The Widower?
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13. It's about a man
who loses the love of his life
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14. and vows never to love again.
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15. So he foregoes any chance to remarry
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16. and remains a widower
till the day he dies.
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17. Sounds very poignant.
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18. You need a house to fall on you?
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19. Ma, it's a beautiful love story.
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20. Not even the gorgeous governess
in the third act
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21. could turn the widower's head.
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22. I don't know what happens after that.
I was sobbing too violently.
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23. So, where are the children?
I sent Niles to tell them I got five.
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24. They're not coming down until they know
how many Andrew Lloyd Webber got.
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25. Good Lord.
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26. They really think I'm that childish?
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27. Two.
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28. I got five, he's got two! I got five...
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29. - I'm so happy for you, Dad.
- It's so great.
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30. Are we gonna go to the Tony Awards?
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31. Maxwell, why are you in here,
hugging children?
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32. We gotta get out there
and turn it on for the judges.
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33. What would I look really great in?
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34. A sealed mausoleum.
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35. Kids, I'm so excited.
The Tonys get so many stars.
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36. I know!
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37. Too many nominations scare me.
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38. Can you imagine
how embarrassing it would be
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39. to be up for five awards
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40. and not even win one?
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41. You know, next time you kvetch
about my therapy bills,
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42. would you remember this moment?
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43. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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44. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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45. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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46. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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47. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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48. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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49. That's how she became the Nanny
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50. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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51. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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52. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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53. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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54. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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55. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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56. Fran, don't look, but I think that's Liza
coming down the row in front of us.
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57. I probably shouldn't have said that.
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58. Hello, Miss Minnelli.
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.
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59. I'm sorry. That was terrible.
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60. Here we go. One more time. Okay.
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61. - Keep moving, honey. We can't see.
- Miss Fine!
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62. You know what? I'm out of control.
Take the camera from me.
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63. All right, this is it.
If they start to shoot our row,
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64. I don't want anyone making rabbit ears
behind anyone else's heads.
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65. Just behave yourselves.
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66. - When did I ever do that?
- I wasn't speaking to you.
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67. One time at the Angela Lansbury roast.
Would you let it go?
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68. Okay. You know,
Andrew Lloyd Webber won two awards.
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69. You've won two awards.
He's not up for anything else.
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70. You're not gonna hear his name
mentioned again.
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71. Now, to present the nominees
for best play:
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72. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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73. The nominees are Saint Thomas,
Martin Brig, producer.
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74. Flight of the June Bird,
Marilyn Schank, producer.
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75. And The Widower, Ma—
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76. Ma—
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77. Ma— Pardon me. I'm so sorry.
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78. Maxwell Sheffield, you little twit!
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79. And the award goes to...
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80. The Widower, Maxwell Sheffield, producer.
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81. Excuse me. I co-produced. I raised money.
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82. I'm sorry.
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83. Nanny Fine, get off me!
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84. Do you think you could possibly manage
a smile for the reporters,
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85. so they don't think my butler
is a criminal on work furlough?
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86. Go like this.
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87. Forgive me, sir.
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88. But try to see your winning an award
from my point of view.
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89. You say, "Welcome to my party, senator."
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90. And I say, "The little ones are cheese."
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91. That's your job.
I pay you overtime, don't I?
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92. - What more do you want?
- Look up.
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93. You gather the whole family around
for photos backstage,
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94. then make me stand behind you
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95. and pull your jacket in
to give you a V-shape.
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96. Good Lord.
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97. Crinkle your forehead.
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98. Just for once, just once,
I wish you'd behave like a normal but—
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99. What the hell are you doing?
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100. Are you insane?
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101. Would you trust me?
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102. You've got that whole, pasty Hugh Grant
I-need-a-week-in-Miami look.
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103. Maxwell, the reporters are here.
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104. Nanny Fine, I need something
at your mother's house.
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105. - What?
- You.
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106. Did you know
that we are booked through '99?
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107. That grieving widower speech of yours
was a gold mine.
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108. C.C., I was speaking from the heart.
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109. - All those years—
- Yeah. Okay.
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110. Handy Wipe, I want you to scoop some ashes
out of the fireplace and put them in here.
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111. We'll plop it on your desk
and say it's Sarah,
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112. always near you, yada yada.
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113. C.C., I will not pass off Duraflame
residue as the mother of my children.
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114. Maxwell, I never noticed how long
and luxurious your lashes are.
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115. Just send in the reporters, would you?
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116. All right, Niles, how do I look?
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117. You really should switch
to the waterproof.
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118. Just knock it off.
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119. Ladies, gentlemen, please, come this way.
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120. Maxwell, congratulations.
The Widower is a hit.
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121. Do you think
the play's touched a lot of people
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122. because it's the true story
of you and your wife?
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123. I think people like to see a play
they can relate to.
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124. The widower hasn't been with a woman
since the death of his wife.
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125. Are you expecting us to believe
that's true of you?
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126. A guy like you, with those lashes?
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127. Let's just say I think
my memories will last me a long time.
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128. Are you telling me
you never plan to remarry?
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129. Well, that depends.
Of course, if the right woman were to—
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130. Miss Fine!
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131. Ignore her. She is just the nanny.
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132. Any of you have children?
Because we're letting her go.
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133. - That's your nanny?
- Hi.
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134. I saw you at the Tonys. Nice.
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135. So, you took the whole household.
Hey, how about a picture?
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136. I don't really think it's appropriate.
Get me from the left, honey.
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137. - Nanny Fine.
- What?
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138. This is a press conference,
not Eva Perón on the Rainbow Tour.
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139. This is Maxwell's moment.
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140. Get out of my light.
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141. Would you get undressed
and go to bed already?
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142. I could still get a call.
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143. It's past midnight. The cast party's over.
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144. He's not inviting you.
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145. I don't know why not.
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146. I was the inspiration
for the character of the butler.
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147. He was 25, with a blond pompadour
and an impish grin.
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148. So was I, 600,000 Brillo pads ago.
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149. Niles, you going somewhere?
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150. I thought I'd just trot over
to the cast party and clean up.
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151. Stop it.
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152. You can do that in the morning.
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153. Now, Miss Fine, you did understand
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154. this party was for cast
and crew only, right?
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155. You weren't expecting to be invited,
were you?
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156. No.
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157. Margaret?
It's a little late for you, isn't it?
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158. I'm home, okay? So lay off me.
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159. You're the last person
I have to answer to.
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160. Where did that come from?
You get back down here, young lady!
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161. No!
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162. She's not gonna get away
with speaking to me like that.
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163. Now, wait.
Let her just calm down a little bit.
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164. What do you mean, her calm down?
What about me?
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165. You're just gonna have to deal with it.
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166. Look, when I hit puberty,
my mother was a size six.
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167. When I hit 18, so did she.
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168. Whatever could make her leave the house
and then come back home
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169. with a completely different personality?
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170. I don't even wanna think about it.
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171. Do you read those pamphlets
they send home from school?
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172. So, what do you think?
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173. Alcohol? Sex?
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174. Not tonight. I'm too distracted.
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175. So, you see,
it's really a typical adolescent reaction.
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176. Someone else is in the limelight
and they lash out to get attention.
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177. Yes, I see.
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178. So, what would you suggest?
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179. Have you tried one of those trophies
that says "Butler of the Year"?
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180. Okay. I'm here.
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181. Hello, I'm Dr. Miller.
Please, have a seat.
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182. This is a total waste of time.
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183. So, Margaret, your family feels
that something's bothering you.
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184. Honey, just feel free
to vent your feelings.
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185. I mean,
nobody's gonna hold it against you.
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186. Just tell us what's on your mind.
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187. Okay, I hate him.
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188. That's okay. Don't take it personal.
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189. Just let her express.
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190. I hate you, too.
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191. Open a window! I cannot breathe!
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192. Look...
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193. Look, Margaret, if I've hurt you,
I can't do anything about it
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194. until I know what it is
I'm supposed to have done.
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195. Well, fine.
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196. Here.
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197. "The Nanny and The Hunk Producer"?
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198. "Broadway's leading widower
keeps broad on the side for years."
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199. You and Fran had an affair
while Mom was still alive.
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200. You even cheated on your honeymoon.
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201. Look, the pictures prove it.
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202. Margaret, you can't believe this.
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203. Sweetie, for this to be true,
do you know how old I would have to be?
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204. Yeah, 40.
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205. Oh, my God! She's doing drugs too.
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206. The good news is Brighton and Gracie
never even saw that story in the tabloids.
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207. The bad news is
I didn't know that and I told them.
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208. But the paper's credibility was blown
by the headline:
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209. "Neighbors Scream Eyesore
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210. As Barbara Eden Moves Into Giant Bottle."
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211. I don't know where they got
these photographs from my honeymoon.
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212. I mean, who would want to hurt me
like this for a few thousand dollars?
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213. Good heavens.
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214. You got your finger
caught in John Gielgud's fly.
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215. Trust me, if I needed money,
I wouldn't have to make something up.
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216. He was King Lear, I was his dresser.
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217. Did I say a word?
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218. I just wanna hit something.
Doesn't it drive you crazy,
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219. people reading this stuff
and then believing it?
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220. They're accusing me of having an affair
with a married millionaire.
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221. In my old neighborhood,
that's a career goal.
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222. All you have to do is worry about Maggie.
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223. What do you care
about the rest of the world?
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224. Nobody but a mindless nutcase
would buy into this junk.
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225. You were having an affair
with Mr. Sheffield on his honeymoon?
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226. And you're still getting
six bucks an hour?
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227. - Who is it?
- It's me. I'm very upset. I need to talk.
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228. Okay, I'm in, honey. You can go.
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229. Gracie...
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230. I can't even get a Happy Meal by myself.
She owns me.
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231. Fran, I can't believe you'd use
a little girl to get what you want.
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232. And it's not as easy as it used to be.
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233. She's much bigger and less compelling.
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234. - Sweetie, I gotta get you to understand—
- I do understand.
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235. I finally understand why Dad would hire
a woman off a résumé written in lipstick.
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236. And she's still our nanny,
even though two of us can drive.
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237. Sweetie, these pictures of your father
and I on the beach are completely fake.
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238. Prove it.
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239. Look at this.
I'm wearing Clinique Ivory Bisque base.
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240. Not patented until 1987.
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241. There's your smoking gun, sister.
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242. Fran, you're wasting your breath.
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243. Maggie, I can't believe
you would actually think
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244. I'm capable of something like this.
I'll tell you, I'm so hurt, I—
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245. I don't think I could ever forgive you.
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246. Well, Fran,
what do you expect me to think?
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247. It's so obvious Dad is in love with you.
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248. I forgive.
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249. Dad, I'm sorry. I believe you now.
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250. Fran explained everything
about how you told her you loved her,
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251. and then took it back.
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252. After, of course, saying she's
the most beautiful woman in the world,
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253. and that you can't live another day
without her.
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254. Did you want your daughter back or not?
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255. - Maxwell, this is dreadful.
- No, C.C., it's all right.
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256. The children understand it's a lie.
Well, Margaret was upset.
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257. I don't give a rat's butt about them.
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258. Ticket sales came to a screeching halt
because of this rag.
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259. "Broadway's grieving widower
can't keep his pants on"?
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260. I look unbelievable in this shot.
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261. This is too much.
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262. Does this journalist have any idea
what he's doing to people's lives?
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263. I'm going right down there now.
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264. What are you gonna do?
Punch him out?
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265. Violence never solves anything.
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266. Besides, what do you care
what the whole world thinks?
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267. "Forty-year-old nanny"! I want his blood!
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268. You!
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269. How can you hurt someone like this?
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270. How can you destroy someone's reputation?
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271. Yeah, 40?
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272. Where do you come up with this garbage?
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273. I do a lot of research. See that?
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274. "Apple Bears Amazing Resemblance
to Late Funnyman, Redd Foxx."
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275. Do you have any idea how much pain
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276. - you've caused me and my family?
- Yes.
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277. - Don't you care who you hurt?
- No.
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278. I'm warning you, if you don't stop
this scurrilous assault right now,
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279. you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
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280. Jeez, I've never been sued before.
I'm scared.
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281. Come on, Miss Fine.
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282. This man obviously
has no conscience or remorse. Let's go.
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283. Pal, look, I'm not forcing six-year-old
Malaysians to make sequined jackets.
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284. I write for a tabloid.
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285. I make up stuff
only an idiot would believe.
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286. John-John's getting a divorce?
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287. Miss Fine.
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288. Sorry.
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289. Look, I'm sorry if I hurt your kids.
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290. I'll never write another word
about either one of you again.
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291. Well, thank you.
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292. You see, you gotta open up a mouth
in this world.
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293. We appealed to his decency
and convinced him to stop.
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294. Well, that and the fact it was
the worst-selling issue in five years.
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295. It serves him— What?
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296. Lay there like a lox.
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297. Are you telling me that the hunk producer
and the naughty nanny
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298. didn't fly off the stands?
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299. Stinko. A bomb.
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300. We were embarrassed.
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301. We're going back to Princess Di.
She sells beautiful.
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302. I don't understand
why no one wanted to read about us.
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303. You don't know how to market us.
That's your problem, mister.
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304. You gotta appeal
to the younger demographic.
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305. It was the 40 that killed us.
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306. Guys, it's over. You're dullsville.
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307. Dullsville?
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308. You wanna see hot?
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309. You wanna see steamy?
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310. Get over here, Naughty Nanny.
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311. - Is he looking at us?
- Yeah.
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312. Miss Fine, he's just turned off the light.
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313. He's developing the film.
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314. You see, they gave me this little trophy
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315. that says, "Butler of the Year."
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316. It's nice, isn't it?
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317. And I know I should be happy,
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318. but I'm suffering from tremendous guilt.
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319. Where do you think that comes from?
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320. I never clean under anything.
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321. I always lie and say that it's decaf,
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322. because I don't feel like
making a second pot.
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323. And during prom season,
I drive the limo for extra cash.
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324. Maybe you weren't meant to be a butler.
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325. I know.
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326. I stink.
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327. I don't deserve to be his butler.
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328. He's so good to me.
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329. He's even paying for this session.
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330. I think we're going to have
to talk again about this.
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331. Dee Dee, run a TRW on Maxwell Sheffield.
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332. But the paper lost its credibility
by the— Was—
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333. Okay. I know it. I know.
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334. Okay.
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335. Where did that come from?
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336. - You get back down here, young lady!
- Oh, no...
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337. No!
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338. Well, you wanted
to get your daughter back or— Or what?
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339. - What's that line?
- Again from the top.
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340. "Broadway's grieving widower
can't keep his pants on"?
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341. - What do you think of this, Miss Fine?
- Let me see.
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