1. Darling, I don't care what you say,
these rice cakes taste like cork.
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2. That's a coaster, Ma.
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3. Here's the rice cake.
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4. Will you stop hawking me?
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5. The doctor told me
my cholesterol was perfect.
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6. Stop it. Stop that.
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7. You can't keep eating fat like this,
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8. or you're not gonna live long enough
to dance at my wedding.
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9. I'll take my chances.
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10. You see how mean I get when I don't eat?
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11. - Well, goodbye, sweetheart.
- Bye, Ma.
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12. Not so fast.
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13. - What? You wanna hug?
- No, kisses.
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14. - Hello.
- Yes, I'm looking for Ms. Fran Fine.
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15. This is Fran Fine.
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16. You have no idea how happy I am
to hear your voice.
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17. You know, if I had a nickel
for every time I heard that,
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18. I'd have a nickel.
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19. Maybe I should just be direct.
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20. My name is Lila Baker.
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21. Ms. Fine,
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22. there's a possibility that
there was a mix-up in the hospital
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23. and I may be your birth mother.
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24. What? That's ridiculous.
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25. I mean, you obviously have
the wrong Fran Fine.
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26. Although who else but a mother
could be so happy to hear this voice?
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27. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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28. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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29. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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30. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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31. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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32. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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33. That's how she became the Nanny
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34. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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35. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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36. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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37. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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38. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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39. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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40. So, C.C., how is everything going
in Los Angeles?
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41. Fabulous, Maxwell.
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42. I have a friend at CBS
who wants to buy our show
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43. and turn it into a TV series.
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44. Back up, you have a friend?
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45. So, C.C., you do realize
if we sell this idea,
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46. you're gonna have to live out there.
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47. What?
No comment from the Quicker Picker Upper?
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48. No. He's outside.
I don't think he heard you.
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49. Mr. Sheffield, I'm so freaked out.
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50. A woman just called and told me
that Ma may not be my real mother.
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51. So, are we happy or sad?
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52. We're thinking.
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53. Ma, look at you. You're being so good.
I'm so proud of you.
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54. Well, I'm trying.
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55. Now, I know why I breast-fed
for two years.
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56. I was sucking Yoo-Hoo.
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57. You know, Ma if you continue
to eat this way,
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58. you are going to kill yourself.
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59. You know, I get so little pleasure
in life.
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60. It's not like you've given me
a wedding to plan
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61. - or grandchildren or a—
- Have some whipped cream.
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62. Thank you.
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63. Ma, when I was born, who did I look like?
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64. Dick Van Patten.
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65. And when we were in the hospital,
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66. - were you with me every second?
- I never let you out of my sight.
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67. Not even to go out and steal
some rice pudding or Jell-O
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68. - or a—
- What are you, the hospital security?
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69. So I took a cobbler
that didn't belong to me.
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70. The woman was catatonic.
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71. So, you did leave me.
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72. Maybe we're not related.
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73. And then there's Maude
And then there's Maude
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74. Uncompromisin', enterprisin'
Anything but traquilizin'
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75. Right on, Maude!
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76. Nadine, Francine, come on in.
I made gadempte meatballs mit noodles.
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77. Why do you have to scream?
We're right here.
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78. Who's screaming?
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79. Morty!
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80. Ma, you sound so obnoxious.
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81. I can't believe you're my mother.
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82. Well, believe it.
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83. Meet my hips, Nadine and Francine.
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84. Who's she blaming for her tush,
cousin Scooter Pie?
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85. I'm just so honored that
Totie Fields came for supper.
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86. Maybe you're not her real daughter.
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87. Did you ever wonder why
you have black hair and we have blonde?
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88. That's because Francine looks like Daddy.
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89. See?
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90. Now, less talk and more eat.
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91. After supper we're gonna go buy
your Halloween costumes.
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92. I thought you'd go as a bride.
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93. I don't wanna go as a bride.
I wanna go as a career woman.
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94. A career woman?
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95. Whose child are you?
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96. That's it, young lady.
No more That Girl for you.
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97. Ma, I have something very important
I need to tell you.
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98. Let me switch to a softer food
so I could hear you.
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99. Ma, a woman called me this morning
and said
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100. that because of a hospital mix-up
years ago,
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101. it's possible that she's my real mother.
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102. Oh, my God!
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103. What kind of a crackpot
would make up a thing like that?
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104. She's trying to extort something
probably from me and your father.
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105. Like what, Ma?
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106. Your toaster oven with the burnt cheese
on the heating coil?
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107. Ma...
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108. I invited this woman over
to the house tomorrow.
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109. I just need to know.
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110. Fran, you are my daughter.
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111. I remember every detail of your birth
like it was yesterday.
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112. I remember I ordered two eggs over easy.
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113. It came scrambled,
but I'm not a complainer.
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114. Then I'm thinking, what is so delicious?
And I find bacon bits in it.
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115. I had to push it away.
It was Rosh Hashanah.
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116. I was born on a Jewish holiday?
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117. Oh, my God, then there really
could have been a mix-up.
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118. I mean, what were there, like,
two doctors left in that hospital?
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119. Your cheeks were so rosy
when you were a baby.
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120. - Were you wearing blush?
- No. I was making.
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121. C.C., just tell them the deal is off.
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122. I want you to get yourself on a plane
and come home.
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123. Are you stark raving mad, sir?
Sell that shlock.
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124. I'd like to know why they were interested
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125. in my play in the first place
if they wanna change everything.
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126. You'll drive yourself crazy
asking questions like that.
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127. Just tell them, show me the money!
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128. I'll call her back in the car.
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129. Now, come on, everyone,
we're gonna miss the movies.
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130. - Bye, Fran.
- Bye, kids. Have fun.
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131. There we are, Ms. Fine.
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132. This way you can meet
your new mother in private.
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133. Don't call me Ms. Fine.
That may not be my name.
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134. I may be a completely different person.
I may not even talk like this.
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135. Come here. Come on.
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136. I'm sure everything
is gonna turn out just fine.
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137. Well, well, well.
I'm getting a different mother,
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138. and suddenly he can't keep
his hands off me.
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139. Coincidence?
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140. I think not.
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141. Oh, my God.
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142. Fran?
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143. Ma?
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144. - Look at us. You can't be my mother.
- Why not?
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145. Your children look nothing like you.
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146. Those aren't my children.
I'm not even married.
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147. You're not?
Honey, what are you waiting for?
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148. Sit down, Ma.
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149. So I'm guessing that my father
was probably a honky?
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150. Well, actually when we first met,
I thought he was black.
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151. But then two weeks after
we left Miami, he faded.
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152. Miami.
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153. So, then I'm still Jewish.
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154. Absolutely.
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155. You know, actually Fran,
we wouldn't be sitting here together
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156. if it weren't for Morley Safer.
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157. Morley Safer's my father?
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158. No. No. No.
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159. Sixty Minutes did an exposé
on this nurse at Midtown General.
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160. She confessed that she had mixed up
some birth records
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161. right around the time
both of you were born.
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162. How could that happen?
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163. She said she dropped them
while she was chasing
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164. some maternity patient
who was stealing food.
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165. So anyway, my daughter got tested
and found out that it was true.
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166. There is no way that
we are genetically related.
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167. We were devastated when we found out
I wasn't her real mother.
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168. Wait until she finds out
who her real mommy might be.
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169. Listen, Fran, you know what?
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170. I would love for you to come
to dinner tomorrow night
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171. and meet the rest of the family.
I have two grown sons.
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172. All right, I got brothers.
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173. That's right. By my second husband.
He's African-American.
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174. So, I got brothers.
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175. So, you're telling me that you're black?
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176. And beautiful.
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177. Well, you're finally home.
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178. Ms. Babcock called,
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179. and it looks as if she won't be moving
to California.
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180. CBS decided not to do your play.
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181. - Why?
- Because they saw it.
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182. So, now I bet they make me pitch
a hundred lame ideas
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183. just to keep me to that bloody contract.
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184. Do you mean there's still a chance
to keep C.C. selling shoddy shows
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185. by the seashore?
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186. You get in your office, man,
and come up with a fresh idea.
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187. If I had a fresh idea, I wouldn't be
trying to sell this crap on Broadway.
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188. What about the story
of the nice Jewish girl from Flushing
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189. who discovers that her mother
is an African-American?
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190. Excuse me, but this happens
to be a highly personal,
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191. very private story.
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192. - You'll get a royalty.
- That just screams movie of the week.
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193. You want a nosh?
I just made a peanut butter sandwich.
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194. Courtesy of my mishpachah,
George Washington Carver.
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195. I just came by to tell you,
you're killing me!
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196. Want it cut in half or in the diagonal?
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197. You're just gonna let her walk out
like that? Diagonal.
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198. She's waiting right outside the door,
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199. just waiting for me to come around
and beg her to come in.
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200. Big shot knows everything.
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201. I just wanted you to know
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202. that after you gave me
the bad news yesterday,
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203. my whole body broke out
in blotches all over.
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204. - Look.
- Please, no.
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205. Let's keep those hatches battened down.
Shall we?
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206. Ma, calm down, you're very upset.
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207. You want some pudding?
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208. Why do people think
I only respond to food?
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209. My heart is breaking!
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210. Sylvia, you're here, perfect.
Ms. Babcock faxed over this contract.
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211. We're doing a movie about your daughter
and her two mothers.
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212. We'll need your John Hancock right here.
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213. Niles, can't you see Sylvia is distraught?
My God, the woman turned down pudding.
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214. When did I turn it down?
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215. What?
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216. - Can I see your license please?
- Officer, I was not speeding.
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217. Yeah, I'm citing you
for reckless driving, lady.
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218. What reckless?
I was just putting on mascara
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219. and brushing my hair.
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220. What were you holding the wheel with?
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221. Driver's license, please.
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222. You know, it is just so obvious
why you stopped me.
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223. Yeah? And why is that, Ms. Fine?
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224. It's because I'm black.
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225. Hi.
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226. What a palace. I forgot something.
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227. - What?
- My luggage.
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228. - Fran, I'm so delighted to see you.
- Hi, Ma.
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229. Ma, I just love what you've done
with our home.
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230. We had it all redone in neo-classic.
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231. We had ours all recovered in neo-plastic.
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232. - I'd like for you to meet my son.
- Hi.
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233. - How do you do? I'm David.
- Hi.
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234. Hello. I'm Mark.
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235. Why so formal? I'm your sister.
Come here and give me a hug.
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236. You know, I haven't seen you guys in...
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237. Well, ever.
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238. Shall we have hors d'oeuvres in the salon?
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239. Your salon!
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240. Why didn't Morley Safer
do that story 20 years ago?
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241. - So tell me, boys, what do you do?
- I'm a resident at New York Hospital.
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242. I'm in NYU Law School.
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243. And I'm a nanny. Look at this, Ma.
Three professionals.
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244. Boy, ambition like that,
it's in the blood.
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245. - Raisin kugel.
- It was your grandmother's recipe.
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246. Man, her potato latkes were the bomb.
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247. - Where is she?
- Ma?
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248. I can keep silent no more.
Fran is my daughter.
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249. I nursed her through measles,
chicken pox, her first zits,
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250. and no one will ever
take her away from me.
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251. You're black?
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252. How the hell can she be your mother?
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253. Well, her first husband was Jewish.
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254. Well, that explains the kugel I smell,
which no one has offered me.
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255. Why are you pursuing this?
I am your mother,
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256. and nothing that this woman will ever say
will ever convince me that I am not.
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257. Would you two like a little privacy?
We have a guest house.
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258. You hear that?
Your mother has a guest house.
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259. Does your butler service
the guest house too?
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260. Ma.
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261. - What?
- What?
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262. Well, that was the hospital
with the results of Fran's blood test.
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263. Yeah?
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264. Mom, I'm really sorry,
but your DNA doesn't match.
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265. Fran's not your daughter.
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266. - I'm so disappointed.
- I feel like I've known you my whole life.
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267. You know, you will always be my friend.
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268. Doctors make mistakes.
We'll get a second opinion.
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269. Ma, you're embarrassing me.
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270. Will you stop calling me Ma?
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271. Knock it off, you're my mother.
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272. If I can accept it,
who's the bigger sport here?
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273. - Good.
- Good.
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274. You know, I can't believe
I came this close
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275. to having a gorgeous mansion with a butler
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276. and a loving family of my own.
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277. Ms. Fine, you have all that here.
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278. Here's what I'm talking about.
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279. C.C., at last, there you are.
What on earth kept you?
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280. Well, the plane landed in Chicago,
Bucksnort, Tennessee,
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281. and I don't know, Hooterville.
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282. What hack travel agent booked that flight?
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283. I'm Niles, fly me.
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284. Fran, is your mother mad at us?
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285. She hasn't called, she hasn't come over.
There are leftovers.
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286. Honey, I think that the whole mix-up
really got to her.
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287. She hasn't answered any of my calls.
Maybe she just needs a little space.
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288. Sylvia, dear, you don't understand.
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289. You see, even if Fran were my daughter,
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290. you and I are not related.
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291. Fine, I know when I'm not wanted.
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292. And I'm not one to push.
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293. Morty, wake up Yetta
and get out of the pool.
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294. Hey, I grew up pretty good.
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295. I got myself a mansion, kids,
a gorgeous husband.
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296. You're the nanny, baby.
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