The Nanny 3x4

1. This is what they call, "Slightly irregular?"

2. - Fran. Fran. - Yeah, honey?

3. - Does it show yet? - Wait a second.

4. What are you talking about? Does what show?

5. That I'll be 16 next week?

6. Honey.

7. Gee, I felt just like my mother when I told her I lost my virgin—

8. airline tickets.

9. Well, did they give you another one?

10. No, honey.

11. When you lose that ticket, it's non-refundable.

12. Unless you get engaged to Prince Charles, and then it miraculously reappears.

13. Maggie, we got to plan something special for your sweet 16.

14. You know, with my panache and your father's check book, we could...

15. we could be two chicks in Aruba. That's what we could be.

16. Well, Dad hasn't said anything about my party.

17. All he does is pinch my cheek and call me his almost grown-up little girl,

18. with this lame grin.

19. There she is, my almost grown-up little girl.

20. I can't believe how big you've gotten already.

21. You know, it only seems like yesterday I was putting you on Mr. Potty.

22. Dad, you're making me vomit.

23. Do you remember our favorite game?

24. Here comes Mr. Snake.

25. Hello.

26. That's funny, that was my ex-boyfriend Danny's favorite game, too.

27. You know, Dad, for Tiffany's sweet 16,

28. her dad flew all of her friends to South Africa,

29. and he even got Whitney Houston to sing.

30. Okay, if Maggie gets a sweet 16, I'd like a bar mitzvah.

31. Brighton, you're not Jewish.

32. You know, a sizable donation

33. to Temple Emanu-El could take care of that.

34. All right, let's go, Grace.

35. All right, Margaret, how does this sound for your sweet 16?

36. World famous,

37. exquisitely decorated, visited by royalty...

38. Leonard's of Great Neck?

39. They make a shrimp scampi made out of scrod.

40. Miss Fine, what royalty would you see at Leonard's of Great Neck?

41. Well, excuse me, at my cousin Merril's wedding,

42. the ballroom right next door?

43. Prince Matchabelli convention.

44. Who looks stupid now?

45. Margaret, I have booked the solarium at the Guggenheim Museum.

46. Gloria Vanderbilt just had a big party there.

47. Bobby Short played the piano.

48. Yeah, I think I might be able to pull a few strings?

49. You like Itzhak Perlman?

50. Let's just hope he's in town.

51. Fran, what are the odds of me dying in my sleep tonight?

52. Not good enough.

53. My party's going to be so boring and stuffy.

54. All my friends are gonna hate it.

55. Don't worry, sweetie. No one will come.

56. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing Queens

57. 'Till her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes.

58. What was she to do where was she to go She was out on her fanny.

59. So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffield's door,

60. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

61. She had style, she had flair She was there

62. That's how she became the Nanny

63. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

64. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

65. Now the father finds her beguiling Watch out C.C.

66. And the kids are actually smiling Such joie de vivre!

67. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

68. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

69. Well? Well? What did they say?

70. The sweet 16 is all set at the Guggenheim.

71. The curator and I were in the same sorority.

72. Delta Felta Guy?

73. C.C. you are amazing. I don't know how you do it.

74. Oh, Maxwell, stop.

75. You know I adore the children like they were my very own.

76. Especially...

77. you know, the big one.

78. Okay, now remember, honey, be strong.

79. We gotta stick together. He can't say no to the both of us.

80. - You ready? Okay. - Yeah.

81. Mr. Sheffield...

82. we have something that we want to tell you.

83. - We who? - Well, me—

84. Boy, I taught that kid too well.

85. All right. Now, don't get offended. I don't want to hurt your feelings.

86. You don't like the new curtains in your room. Fine, we'll replace them.

87. All right.

88. Now what?

89. Well, there is one other thing, you know, besides the wallpaper.

90. Maggie hates the Guggenheim. You're gonna have to cancel. Bye.

91. What? Wait! Wait! What are you talking about?

92. The Guggenheim's a perfect place for the party.

93. Just picture it.

94. Margaret coming down that grand foyer,

95. long white gloves, pink satin gown.

96. Well, while Cathy adores a minuet at Ballets Russes and crepes suzette.

97. Our Patty likes to rock 'n' roll.

98. So you're saying I have to come up with another idea?

99. Well, you're so close.

100. Actually, I have to come up with another idea.

101. She wants me to take over from here.

102. Maxwell, I bent over backwards to get the museum.

103. Well, it wouldn't be the first time.

104. All right, Miss Fine. Let's just cut to the chase, shall we?

105. Where have you already decided to have my daughter's party?

106. TantaFreida's.

107. What on earth is a TantaFrito?

108. Not Frito. Freida.

109. My father's sister owns a nightclub in Queens.

110. Well, that sounds dreadful, Miss Fine.

111. No. Actually, it's gorgeous.

112. It used to be a restaurant, but it went out of business.

113. Whose bright idea was to open up a Tony Roma's

114. in a Hasidic neighborhood, I'll never know.

115. Oh boy, does this bring back memories.

116. I used to hang out at this bar, wear really short skirts

117. and big teased-up hair and way too much makeup on.

118. Well, times change.

119. Oh boy, I would have given anything to have my sweet 16 party here.

120. Why?

121. - I mean, why didn't you? - 'Cause my mother wouldn't let me.

122. She and Freida had a big fight, and they haven't talked since 1979.

123. Oh, that must be awful.

124. It's destroying them. They both gained 40 pounds,

125. and they can't even rub it in each other's faces.

126. Hello!

127. Watch this.

128. Health inspector!

129. Just one moment.

130. Here you go.

131. Franny, it's you!

132. - Hi. - Hi, Aunt Freida.

133. You must be Maggie. You're too thin.

134. - So how's your father? - He's great. So's Ma.

135. She's still alive?

136. Be nice.

137. Maggie, you know, Aunt Freida's a celebrity.

138. She once sang on Merv Griffin's show.

139. Don't embarrass me.

140. Twice.

141. Now I work here.

142. When you're a woman alone, you gotta earn a living.

143. Freida buried four husbands.

144. The perpetual care alone is enough to choke a horse.

145. At least I got them all in one plot. So holy days, I'm in, I'm out.

146. So talk to me. You like?

147. Fran, let's not completely rule out the Guggenheim. Okay?

148. Honey, honey, I think I can help you visualize.

149. I once worked here one summer when I was 15.

150. I'll lose my license.

151. Freida, if you didn't lose your license for waterbugs

152. that could double as bouncers...

153. Now I get it. This is, like, one of those discos.

154. My party can be retro.

155. Hey, Fran, maybe we can even dress up like they did in the olden days.

156. - Yeah. - Did you save your stuff?

157. No, when I transferred from the Pinta to the Santa Maria, they lost my luggage.

158. Here. Here's a menu so you can plan.

159. You don't have the Tony Manero marinara no more?

160. No.

161. Now it's the Ed Marinaro marinara.

162. Damn butterflies.

163. Fran.

164. Fran, if your mother and your aunt don't get along,

165. won't she be upset you're planning a party here?

166. Honey, your sweet 16 has nothing to do with my mother.

167. What could she possibly be upset about?

168. Let me go. I want to die.

169. - Ma! - No, you are not my daughter.

170. Well, then, who gave me these thighs so I can shoot them.

171. How could you do this to me?

172. Ma, you have nothing to do with this.

173. I have nothing to do with my daughter's boss's daughter's sweet 16?

174. Fran, if you have the party at Freida's, I am not going.

175. Good, Ma. 'Cause you are not invited.

176. Not invited?

177. You hear this, Morty?

178. I'm not invited.

179. Your sister got me blackballed like she did at Hadassah.

180. Ma, Freida didn't get you blackballed. They threw you out of Hadassah

181. because you donated cakes with half the frosting licked off.

182. I felt light-headed in the car.

183. She has turned you against me. I don't want to know from that woman.

184. Is she bigger than me?

185. Ma, this isn't about you and Freida. It's about Maggie.

186. It's her party and it's all about her.

187. - Fran... - Butt out, honey.

188. Now, this stupid fight has already ruined my graduation

189. because I couldn't have it at Freida's.

190. And it was still lovely.

191. We had it al dente.

192. That means outdoors.

193. Fran, that sounds sort of nice.

194. Oh, yeah?

195. We had it at on Grandma Yetta's roof of her old building.

196. Middle of June, a 114 degrees.

197. People stayed all night.

198. That's because they were stuck to the tar.

199. Fran, I really want my party at Freida's,

200. but not if it's gonna come between you and your mom.

201. I feel terrible.

202. - I'm being so selfish. - Yeah, well.

203. You're only 16 once.

204. Never mind me. Have the party wherever you want.

205. Ma, you're just saying that to try and make me feel guilty.

206. I'm not trying to make you feel anything.

207. Feel this. Is this a lump here?

208. Did you pick up Miss Margaret's present for Mr. Sheffield?

209. No, I spent the entire day driving around Greenwich, Connecticut

210. looking for that damn jewelry store.

211. Did I say Greenwich, Connecticut? I meant Greenwich Village.

212. That's ten minutes away, you boob.

213. Well, you'd better hurry before they close.

214. This is ridiculous.

215. I don't know why that stupid store doesn't deliver.

216. They do.

217. Oh dear, I wonder if I can catch her.

218. Miss Babcock...

219. Miss Babcock.

220. Niles,

221. I'm gonna have to tell Mr. Sheffield I'm backing out on the party.

222. - It's turning out to be a real disaster. - What's the matter?

223. Can't get the ten foot hero through the door?

224. You know, Niles, if you're not part of the solution, you're my mother.

225. No, I'm just gonna have to bite the bullet and tell him the truth.

226. Miss Fine.

227. Burnt down?

228. Aunt Freida, what are we gonna do about Maggie's party?

229. Well, I guess I'll just have to see if Mr. Sheffield...

230. Damn call waiting's so loud.

231. I want the truth and you have exactly five seconds.

232. Maggie wants to have it at Aunt Freida's and Aunt Freida said that Ma can't come

233. and Ma said if I've it there, she'll never talk to me again.

234. You're growing your hair long. It's very sexy.

235. Miss Fine!

236. All right. All right.

237. If you'll just remain calm,

238. I will answer all of your questions.

239. How did your mother get mixed up in his daughter's sweet 16?

240. I said I would answer all of his questions.

241. All right. If we can't have the party there,

242. then what do you propose we do?

243. Well, I was thinking about the Guggenheim.

244. What? It's gone. I just canceled it.

245. Well, what'd you do that for? It sounded so lovely,

246. with the grand foyer, long white gloves,

247. pink satin gowns. What are you looking for?

248. The murder confession I wrote the night I hired you.

249. Margaret has her heart set on Tanta Fajita's.

250. So you better bloody well make it happen.

251. Hello.

252. Wow!

253. Get a load of this joint.

254. If I knew it was so fancy, I'd have slipped on the stairs outside.

255. Aunt Freida, you're late. Where have you been?

256. I wanted to talk to you before she gets here.

257. - Who? - Hi.

258. Her.

259. - What is she doing here? - What is she doing here?

260. - She invited me. - She invited me.

261. - You're not welcome here. - You're not welcome here.

262. - Fine. I'm leaving. - Fine. I'm leaving.

263. Block them. They're getting away.

264. No!

265. Cake!

266. See the nice frosting.

267. And it's chocolate, not yellow on the inside.

268. Come on, Freida. Come on, Ma.

269. Come to the couch. Sit down.

270. Sit. Sit. Sit down. That's good, girls.

271. No. No treats until I tell you.

272. First we're gonna talk.

273. You want to talk?

274. Fine. I'll be the bigger person.

275. Drop dead.

276. Cook for me and I will.

277. Your father was the first bulimic in Flushing.

278. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

279. Now, I want to find out how this whole feud got started.

280. Well, it was a...

281. - It was lots of things. - Plenty of stuff.

282. You know, I don't believe you two yentas.

283. You don't even remember.

284. What happened? You were both so close?

285. Do you remember at that wedding when your Dynel wiglet caught on

286. fire from Uncle Zev's cigar?

287. Who was the one that poured the celery dish on your head?

288. It was an emergency. Anybody would have done the same.

289. And do you remember at little Irvy's bar mitzvah

290. when there was only one end cut of prime rib left,

291. who took the middle?

292. I know how she loves it, and it didn't mean that much to me.

293. Freida, she's right.

294. Have the party with my blessing.

295. And you'll come and you'll dance?

296. You lost so much weight.

297. Now, you see, this is the way it should be.

298. Hugging. Not trying to screw each other out of Grandma Fine's pearls.

299. - She took my mother's pearls? - I have to sleep with her son.

300. - Chocolate sauce. - Chocolate sauce.

301. Well, Miss Fine, you certainly seem to have outdone yourself this time.

302. Thank you.

303. So what are your plans for later?

304. Going to raffle off a Ford Granada?

305. Very funny.

306. Why don't you just admit that this place is fabulous?

307. - What's that on the bar? - Where?

308. Milk Dud.

309. Oh, gee, I hope Aunt Freida took the vending machines out of the bathrooms.

310. What vending machines?

311. Daddy, can I have a dollar?

312. - You can buy balloons in the bathroom. - Honey, honey...

313. So who does your hair?

314. I wish I could get that height.

315. Oh, please, I wish I had your voice.

316. I swear, I close my eyes, it's Julie Budd.

317. - Wait, Freida. Look at that. - What?

318. You're giving everyone a show that they didn't pay for.

319. Ma, didn't you see? Why didn't you say something?

320. Now, I remember.

321. That's what started all this.

322. We were at Irwin and Cookie's 25th.

323. I'm on the dance floor doing the alley cat

324. with my tush hanging out for the whole world to see.

325. And she didn't say one word.

326. What do you want from me? I'm oblivious sometimes.

327. Sometimes!

328. You are so focused on your rear,

329. meanwhile, you got two watermelons for sale up front.

330. What?

331. You're jealous 'cause I worked on Broadway.

332. And who could forget your big line,

333. "Goobers or Raisinets?"

334. Ma.

335. Good, Freida. Calm down.

336. - What? What? What? - No.

337. Ma, Ma, Ma, please, take it back.

338. What are you doing, guys?

339. - You're trying to start a food fight? - Food fight!

340. Stop. Don't worry. Don't worry.

341. Come on, have some fun.

342. Miss Fine.

343. Miss Fine.

344. I see you found the camera.

345. Miss Fine, what happened?

346. Why do you always think something happened?

347. Lovely party.

348. I am gone two seconds and bedlam erupts.

349. Maxwell.

350. She started it, sir.

351. I wanted this to be perfect and just, just look what you've done.

352. Go ahead. Go ahead. Look at this mess.

353. I know. Bad nanny. Bad nanny.

354. - I'm sorry, Mr. Sheffield. - Save it, Miss Fine.

355. It's not me you should be apologizing to. It's Margaret.

356. She's the one whose party you've ruined.

357. Fran, we were all having such a wonderful time,

358. but who's the idiot who turned on the lights?

359. Do you know, Mr. Sheffield?

360. No. I— I went to get the camera.

361. Aunt Freida, hit the breaker.

362. Fran, all my friends say that this is the best party ever.

363. Thank you so much for being so cool.

364. And, Dad...

365. well, thanks for paying for it.

366. Now, Miss Fine...

367. Miss, Miss Fine,

368. remember who signs your check.

369. Mr. Sheffield, I'm not gonna hit you with this.

370. Fake out.

371. Friends?

372. All right, friends.

373. Come here.