1. Concede, Brighton.
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2. I've got you in two moves.
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3. You're done.
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4. Finished. Toast.
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5. Sir, when it's time to choose
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6. who pulls the plug on the life support,
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7. go with the girls.
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8. Ma, Jules is gonna be
here in two minutes.
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9. Would you stop futzing with my skirt?
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10. Can you believe her?
Stop it!
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11. Oh, Miss Fine, she's a mother.
She's just pulling it down.
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12. She's my mother.
She's hiking it up.
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13. Oh, I get it.
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14. Preparing the virgin
for the big sacrifice, huh?
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15. - Yeah, if it was 1980.
- Ma!
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16. Meanwhile, show some "de colla tessin".
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17. Stop it, Ma.
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18. I'm not some over-the-hill hussy,
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19. desperate to...
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20. Oh, how's this?
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21. Now, aren't you glad I forced you to go to
the Hadassah hoedown?
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22. Yeah.
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23. Yeah, I am.
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24. She thought that you could meet
the man of her dreams
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25. hanging around gay bars.
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26. Ma, I said Zabar's.
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27. I'm getting you a Miracle-Ear.
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28. Hurry up, Miss Fine.
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29. You're not getting any younger.
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30. I'm not the one
that looks like Lily Munster.
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31. Meanwhile, I just met the man a week ago.
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32. It takes a while to form a relationship.
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33. I don't even know if we're compatible.
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34. You know, he's a doctor.
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35. That explains
why he's trying to remove her tonsils.
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36. Oh, can you believe this?
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37. Ever since The Beatles,
I've wanted to meet
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38. a sexy guy with an English accent.
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39. Guess they're all
at the Hadassah hoedown.
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40. Meanwhile, you should've come.
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41. There were a lot of
nice girls there for you.
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42. Big hair, lots of makeup,
tight clothes...
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43. Not my style, but he goes for that type.
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44. Jules, before I forget,
come for dinner Sunday.
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45. I'll take the plastic off the couch.
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46. That sounds delicious.
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47. Laugh at his jokes.
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48. Oh, Maxwell, I can barely
keep my eyes open.
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49. I have got to get out of here.
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50. C.C., do you believe
in love at first sight?
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51. Yes! Why?
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52. Miss Fine.
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53. No! Why?
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54. She met a gentleman.
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55. I... I... I mean, yes. Yes. Yes.
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56. I'll stick with yes.
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57. They spend every waking moment together.
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58. It's just not...
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59. Fair, sir?
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60. What I was going to say before my...
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61. Back off!
Butler interrupted was...
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62. She's only just met the man.
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63. It's all happening so fast.
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64. That's why the lady is a tramp.
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65. Coffee?
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66. Yes. Please.
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67. Ow!
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68. Knock, knock. Mr. Sheffield,
you wanted to see me?
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69. Ah, yes, Miss Fine,
Grace's school telephoned.
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70. Apparently, she's coming home
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71. with a head full of chocolate cake.
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72. Oh, don't worry.
That'll come right out.
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73. I'll just take her to my mother's
Weight Watchers meeting.
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74. Miss Fine, aren't you disturbed
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75. that there's a boy in Grace's class
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76. who's pummeling her with food every day?
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77. No. Boys throw food to
relieve sexual tension,
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78. unlike girls, who just stuff their faces.
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79. Please.
That is such a fallacy.
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80. Well, if you don't need me anymore,
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81. Jules is taking me to a matinee.
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82. Do you want me to bring you home
some bonbons?
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83. - Thought so.
- Ah, the theater.
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84. Well, that's something
you don't get a lot of around here.
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85. What are you going to see?
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86. Oh, I forget the title.
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87. It's got cleaning fluid in it, though.
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88. Formula 409,
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89. Comet, Lysol?
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90. - The Fantasticks?
- Yeah. That's it.
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91. You want to meet him, Miss Babcock?
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92. Oh, Nanny Fine, I'd love to meet the man
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93. who's taking you away from Max...
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94. A million...
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95. Shell...
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96. Oil.
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97. Oh, nice save.
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98. Well, I'll go get him.
He's right outside.
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99. He's playing chess with Brighton.
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100. It's so cute the way he lets him win.
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101. He's going to make
a great father someday.
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102. Wait a minute.
If Nanny Fine's boyfriend is here,
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103. who's in the chicken suit
at the Padres game?
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104. He's gorgeous.
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105. Oh, cheer up.
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106. Perhaps he brought a friend for you.
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107. No.
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108. C.C., MD.
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109. M&M?
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110. So, Jules. Had I known you were
going to the theater,
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111. I would have gotten you house seats.
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112. - I know the star.
- I know the producer.
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113. - I know the director.
- I know the theater owner.
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114. I talk to God.
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115. Jules, put that back in your pants.
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116. I can't stand to see two grown men
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117. fight about who's got
the biggest connection.
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118. Please, Sylvia,
why... why don't you join us?
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119. Oh, no. I... I just came over to
see how Fran's date went.
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120. Make like I'm not even here.
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121. Are you sure we can't
offer you something?
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122. Oh, no, thank you.
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123. I had a Yoplait
this morning around 10:30.
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124. Oh.
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125. Such a big potato for such a little girl.
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126. Look at the time.
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127. They must be having a ball.
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128. I'm going to go in the kitchen.
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129. I need a meat to wash this down with.
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130. I don't know about you guys,
but I like Jules.
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131. And he has yet to beat me in chess.
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132. Oh, God, Brighton.
He throws every game.
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133. Do you see how easy it is to bond?
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134. Well, I wouldn't get too attached
to the bloke if I were you.
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135. We all know Miss Fine's relationships
eventually end in disaster.
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136. He asked me to marry him!
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137. Right on the money as always, sir.
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138. - That is so cool, Fran.
- Oh, my God!
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139. - Congratulations.
- I know!
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140. I know.
I can't believe it.
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141. I'm so excited!
I couldn't eat a...
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142. Oh, kielbasa.
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143. Sweet and sour cabbage.
Hit me again.
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144. Oh, such a big corn
for such a little girl.
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145. - He asked you to marry him?
- Uh-huh.
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146. You've barely known
the man for two weeks.
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147. What, you think it's so hard to believe
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148. a man would fall in love
with me that fast?
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149. Yeah, Todd and I knew
each other three minutes
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150. before I got a pudding pack
right in the eye.
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151. There you go.
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152. Look, you know nothing about this man.
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153. All right, so he's a doctor.
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154. Is he a specialist?
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155. You ain't just whistling Dixie, baby.
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156. Oh, God.
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157. Oh, this is so exciting.
So, can I be a bridesmaid?
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158. I know the doctor asked me to marry him,
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159. but I didn't say, "Yes."
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160. This is delicious.
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161. Why don't you grab a knife
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162. and stick it straight through my heart?
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163. That was great.
She sounded just like...
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164. Ma!
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165. Ma, let go of my ankle!
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166. You'd better run.
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167. Brighton, is she taking off her shoe?
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168. No, but she's going to hurl a corn.
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169. Ma,
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170. put down the vegetable
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171. and no one gets hurt.
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172. All right.
Help me to understand.
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173. Which was the biggest turn off?
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174. The fact that Jules was gorgeous,
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175. rich, or a doctor?
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176. Did I mention he was Jewish?
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177. Darling, I only say this
because I love you.
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178. You're a glorified cleaning girl.
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179. This could be your last chance.
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180. Oh, Ma, I didn't say, "No."
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181. I just said I'd think about it.
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182. Okay, I did.
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183. You mean, "I do."
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184. Yeah!
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185. Ma, you may kiss the bride.
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186. You know, Miss Fine, I think you're
very wise not to rush into this.
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187. You're far too sensible
a woman to marry a man you've just...
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188. Oh, I'm sorry.
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189. Did this fork accidentally
puncture your tuckus?
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190. Sweetheart, I want you to have
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191. the most beautiful engagement ring
that money can buy.
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192. Oh, Julesie.
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193. I don't know if I could
go through with this.
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194. Getting married?
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195. No.
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196. Buying retail.
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197. Let's go.
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198. Now, you know, Jules,
I'm a simple girl with simple tastes.
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199. I just want a simple ring.
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200. That's a nice little stone.
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201. Madam, that's a crystal ashtray.
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202. Well, I was talking about the shape,
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203. like the shape of that
crystal pineapple over there.
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204. No. That's a ring.
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205. Whip it out, honey.
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206. You know, I think
that's a little too small.
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207. We don't want to see
anything less than five carats.
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208. Five carats?
What's up, Doc?
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209. This one is 5.2.
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210. We could take off 10 percent.
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211. That would make the price $50,000.
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212. Oh, a haggler.
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213. Now we're talking my language.
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214. Offer her 10.
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215. I'm not too crazy about it.
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216. It's a little cloudy.
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217. But, sir, the stone is exquisite.
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218. I agree with you, honey.
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219. I think I preferred the one we saw at
Van Cleef and Hormel.
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220. I'm sorry.
This just doesn't sparkle.
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221. It sparkles plenty.
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222. Take it outside in the sun.
It'll blind you, you...
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223. Sir.
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224. I'll be right back.
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225. I shall leave you my little jewel.
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226. So, when's the big event?
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227. Well...
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228. If he buys this ring, I'll tell you,
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229. he could get lucky in just a few...
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230. Oh, you meant the wedding date.
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231. Oh, actually, we haven't talked
about setting a date yet.
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232. - Where... Where's your fiance?
- Oh, I'll get him.
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233. Ma'am, stay where you are, please!
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234. - Why? He's probably right outside.
- Guard!
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235. Well, what's the matter?
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236. He probably went to put
money in the meter.
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237. Oh, no!
We don't have a car!
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238. He's gone.
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239. I'll call the police.
You hold her.
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240. Oh, Jules, how could you do this to me?
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241. He's a doctor.
He didn't need the money.
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242. Hillary's health plan didn't go through.
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243. Oh, I can't believe this is happening.
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244. He got along so well with my parents.
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245. He wanted them to move in with us.
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246. Well, that should've
tipped me off right there.
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247. We've been looking
for Jules Kimball for over three years.
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248. Dr. Kimball is a fugitive?
What are the odds?
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249. He is not a doctor, Miss Fine.
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250. Really?
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251. So when he lanced my mother's boil,
it was just for fun?
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252. Miss Fine,
I don't want to say I told you so,
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253. but I never trusted the man.
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254. You know, I can spot
a con artist a mile off.
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255. This from a man who paid me
time and a half
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256. to work on Hebrew National Day.
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257. Why me?
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258. He usually preys on women over 30.
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259. You know, single, desperate,
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260. lonely.
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261. Like I said, why me?
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262. Oh, Miss Fine, cheer up.
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263. This isn't the stupidest thing
you've ever done.
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264. Well, that's true.
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265. The stupidest thing I ever did
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266. was Windexing your Monet.
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267. Or should I say, "Your Mon?"
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268. Miss Fine, this came for you.
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269. Oh, an engagement present.
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270. How humiliating.
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271. Just put it upstairs
with the rest of them.
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272. Where is she?
Where's my baby?
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273. I rushed over as soon as they
finished my hair.
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274. Mommy!
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275. I just hope the police
find that creep before I do.
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276. My Francine is not desperate.
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277. She can have any man she wants.
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278. But not forever,
so don't let yourself go.
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279. Ma! This is all her fault.
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280. Ever since I was a little girl,
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281. she's always pushing me to get married.
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282. I never pushed.
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283. When I was a little girl,
every affair we'd go to,
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284. she would throw
the centerpiece at me and say,
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285. "Here! Think fast."
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286. Miss Fine, I'm sure your mother
only meant well.
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287. Yeah, they always do.
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288. Like when they stop you
from pursuing a singing career
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289. to follow in your father's footsteps
as a subservient slave.
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290. And loving every minute of it, sir.
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291. Now, Sylvia, if truth be told,
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292. I think you were a little more gung-ho
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293. about this marriage than Miss...
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294. Damn. I broke my nail.
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295. I'll leave you two alone.
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296. I can't believe
I lost my figure for the likes of you.
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297. You lost your figure
for the likes of Winchell's, Ma.
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298. I have low blood sugar.
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299. The doctor prescribed donuts.
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300. And who prescribed the ice cream floats?
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301. Dr. Pepper?
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302. Fran, I can hear you
all the way upstairs.
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303. Oh, her voice travels.
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304. Honey, I'm sorry.
Go up to your room.
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305. Okay, but you have some major issues
with your mother
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306. stemming from your failure
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307. to live up to her expectations.
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308. Uh, come back here.
Come back here.
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309. Can you believe how advanced she is?
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310. Boy, when I was her age,
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311. I was hanging bagels
from my ears playing Princess Leia.
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312. I think you need some therapy.
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313. - No. She'll never change.
- No. She'll never change.
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314. I meant together.
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315. Now, let's see.
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316. Who would be good for you?
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317. My doctor's too cerebral.
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318. Dr. Lehrman?
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319. No, his couch is too itchy.
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320. Oh, forget it, sweetheart.
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321. I'm not the type of person
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322. that can lie on a couch
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323. and cry and scream
about how miserable I am.
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324. Please! Put a Lean Cuisine
on your lap
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325. and 400 Almond Joy wrappers
under the cushions
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326. and you'd be home.
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327. So, ladies, what brings you to therapy?
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328. Well, I came because
my mother has an obsession
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329. with me getting married.
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330. I came because my daughter
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331. has a delusion that I have an obsession.
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332. I came because they brought me,
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333. and I don't know
how to get home from here.
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334. Meanwhile, for 100 bucks a session,
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335. she could've put out some coffee
and some Nilla wafers.
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336. Ma, brush yourself off.
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337. You look like a veal cutlet.
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338. Look, at a certain point,
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339. I believe a daughter has to stop
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340. blaming her mother for everything.
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341. This is your fault.
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342. - Me?
- Yeah.
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343. You're the one who kept pushing me
to have children.
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344. They're nothing but heartache.
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345. That's right, cookie.
It's payback time.
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346. So, you seem to be harboring
a lot of hostility.
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347. - Who?
- Who?
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348. Don't nag the kid all the time.
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349. She should get married when she wants to.
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350. Not just because she got knocked up
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351. by the seltzer man like I...
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352. Like I heard people do.
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353. Ma!
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354. Is that why I love egg cream?
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355. Oh, Ma. Buy your own hour.
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356. This one is for me, right?
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357. Huh?
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358. Sorry. I drifted off.
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359. Oh, that's not your fault.
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360. Most people say
our voices are very soothing.
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361. - Yeah, I get that a lot.
- That's true.
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362. All the time.
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363. Franny, all I ever wanted
was for you to be happy.
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364. I just want you to have a full life.
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365. You don't have to be married
to have a full life, Ma.
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366. Sure, I'd like to someday,
but if I don't,
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367. it doesn't mean my life was worthless,
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368. right?
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369. Right?
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370. Right?
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371. Right.
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372. I know you think I'm not all there,
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373. but in my day
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374. we didn't air our
dirty laundry in public.
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375. Welcome to the '80s!
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376. Hi, kids.
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377. Fran, whatever you do,
do not let Gracie touch this board.
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378. It's your move, Dad!
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379. Oh, you beat your father.
All right, B.
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380. Look what you did, Gracie.
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381. Oh, Fran, I have to break up with Todd.
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382. I'm afraid of getting hurt.
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383. Oh, sweetie.
It's your first crush.
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384. Why don't you just enjoy it?
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385. No, Fran. I'm really
afraid of getting hurt.
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386. Those juice boxes are hard.
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387. All right.
So you picked the wrong guy.
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388. No biggie.
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389. Just move on with your life, okay?
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390. Hope he ends up in Attica
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391. with a cellmate
that finds him attractive.
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392. You're back, Miss Fine.
Good.
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393. How did it go?
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394. Well, my mother's thrilled.
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395. She finally figured out
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396. why she has an unnatural
attachment to egg creams.
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397. The Chinese food we're blaming on the man
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398. that used to press
Grandma Yetta's blouses.
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399. Concede, Dad.
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400. I've got you in two moves.
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401. You're done.
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402. Finished. Toast.
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403. Checkmate.
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404. What?
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405. What happened to this board?
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406. Oh, never leave
two queens alone together.
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407. They'll redecorate.
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408. I should've never
blamed my mother, anyway.
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409. I should've known that guy
was out of my league.
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410. Oh, no, Miss Fine.
He wasn't.
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411. He duped you.
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412. Yeah, but I was ripe for the duping.
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413. Once a girl's exposed to a guy like you,
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414. so debonair and classy,
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415. there's just no going back.
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416. Well, I have been known
to turn a few heads.
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417. Oh, please.
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418. Miss Babcock needs an exorcist.
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419. You want to hear something funny?
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420. The therapist said I was subconsciously
avoiding a relationship.
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421. Oh, please. With whom?
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422. I know. I know.
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423. I mean, believe me,
if there was a guy out there,
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424. single, successful, attractive,
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425. I'd smell him a mile away.
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426. - What's that? Aramis?
- Yes.
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427. You know, Grace's therapist said
exactly the same thing to me.
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428. Well, yeah. You.
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429. No, no.
Trust me, Miss Fine.
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430. If I found a woman who loved my children,
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431. could make me laugh
and I found attractive,
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432. - I'd never let her get away.
- Hear. Hear.
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433. Hang on a second.
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434. We're stuck on each other.
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