The Nanny 3x2

1. So, did you have a nice evening?

2. I'll tell you, it was a beautiful wedding.

3. Val and I cried our eyes out.

4. She made some gorgeous bride, that Dr. Quinn.

5. Where's our TV Guide?

6. Right here. Give me your best shot.

7. All right in Channel 29, what follows The Ghost and Mrs. Muir?

8. That would be Family Affair, the episode where Mr. French accidentally drops

9. Mrs. Beasley off the terrace, followed by The Munsters with Marilyn Number Two,

10. followed by Bewitched with Darrin Number One

11. but Mrs. Kravitz Number Two.

12. Bravo, Miss Fine.

13. You seem to know more about '60s television

14. than most people at your age have forgotten.

15. Well, are you calling me old or just stupid?

16. Well, you have a childlike quality that I find absolutely charming.

17. - Childlike? - Just stupid.

18. What does he expect? All I do is talk to kids all day.

19. You know, if someone would keep their head out of the paper

20. in the morning, maybe I can have an adult conversation.

21. Look, Dumb & Dumber is playing at the dollar theaters.

22. All right, Miss Fine. You want an adult conversation?

23. - Yes, I do. - Let's talk.

24. - Affirmative action, for or against? - Against.

25. Get rid of affirmative action. Those creams don't work.

26. My mother has been smearing them on her thighs for years,

27. and she still looks like she fell asleep in a wicker chair.

28. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

29. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

30. What was she to do, Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

31. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffield's door

32. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

33. She had style, She had flair She was there

34. That's how she became the Nanny

35. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

36. Was just exactly what The doctor prescribed?

37. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

38. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

39. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

40. The fashion girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

41. Now they're unloading a couch.

42. Nope. It's a sectional.

43. Nope. It's a love seat and a chaise.

44. - Nope, nope— - Would you stop it?

45. You're driving me crazy.

46. What if the person moving in is a single guy?

47. If he hears you yelling at me, he's gonna think we're married.

48. I'm sorry, Miss Fine, I'm just obsessing over something in the newspaper.

49. You want to talk about it?

50. No. I don't think it's anything that you'll be interested in.

51. Well, I could fake it. It wouldn't be the first time.

52. All right, it's President Clinton's Renaissance Weekend,

53. and I was hoping I'd be invited.

54. A Renaissance Weekend. Boy, Clinton goes to those things?

55. 'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.

56. No, Miss Fine, not the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Weekend.

57. It's a yearly gathering of the best minds from every walk of life,

58. and they only invite one member of the Broadway community,

59. and you know the one name that is ahead of mine.

60. Right. Who comes before Sheffield? A, B, C, D, E, F, G... R!

61. Phylicia Rashad is before Mr. Sheffield.

62. No, Miss Fine. Not Phylicia Rashad. Andrew Lloyd Webber.

63. Webber? W is before S? Boy, and they call me stupid.

64. Well, it's 12:30. Where's this brother of yours, C.C.?

65. Brother? There's a brother coming?

66. Is he short, ugly and married?

67. No. Why?

68. Well, then I got to change.

69. Nanny Fine, please, he is a full-time professor

70. at Northwestern University.

71. Well, I don't mind moving down south.

72. It will be so wonderful to see Noel again. We used to have so much fun.

73. Every summer he'd take me to the horse show.

74. Did you ever win?

75. Maxwell, will you put that out? It's stinking up the house.

76. C.C., I thought you liked cigars.

77. I meant him.

78. He's here.

79. We were just like best friends.

80. - Sir. - C.C.

81. Noel.

82. - Yes! - Well, you've been working out.

83. I smell Lady Stetson. Mummy gave you this?

84. - She gave you the Beemer. - She gave you the Benz.

85. C.C., Mummy died yesterday.

86. - What'd you get? - Gotcha!

87. I walked right into that. He used to keep me in stitches

88. with all that "Mummy died" stuff.

89. Yes. Charming.

90. I didn't know we had company.

91. - Isn't anyone going to introduce us? - All right.

92. This is my charming, wealthy, educated brother, Noel.

93. Noel, this is the help.

94. I'm Dr. Noel Babcock.

95. A teacher and a doctor. Your mother must be kvelling.

96. Miss Fine, don't you have something to do?

97. He thinks that I can't handle an adult conversation.

98. Want a Juicy Juice?

99. Maybe I'd learn something if I hung out with the professor.

100. Worked for Mary Ann and Ginger.

101. Something going on with Max and the nanny?

102. - No. - No?

103. I mean, Maxwell is an educated man.

104. She went to Nick at Niteschool.

105. C.C., would you like to have some fun?

106. Noel, I thought, that was against the law.

107. No. No. No.

108. No. No. No. No, I meant a little wager.

109. I say, the nanny can be taught.

110. Please, don't make me take your money.

111. This is a woman who thought, Clarence Thomas was on The Mod Squad.

112. Stop it, you're gonna make me go right here.

113. My Lamborghini against your prize thoroughbred.

114. You choose the test.

115. Well,

116. the only thing she knows is television.

117. I'll make it easy for you.

118. Get her on Jeopardy.

119. All right. You're on.

120. I can't wait to get behind the wheel of that car.

121. And I can't wait to get behind that racehorse.

122. - Well, You know what I mean. - Yeah.

123. No, Ma, Noel is not that kind of doctor.

124. 'Cause he's a Ph— You can't write prescriptions, can you?

125. No.

126. That's what your insurance is for. Would you just call your H.O.M.O.

127. Fran, you are enchanting.

128. I don't know why you're insecure about your intelligence.

129. Oh, well.

130. If you're smart enough to get on Jeopardy.

131. Who got on Jeopardy?

132. C.C. told me you'd been on a game show.

133. - I naturally assumed— - Please. Studs.

134. That's not really a mind game.

135. No, you gotta be a genius to be on Jeopardy.

136. I mean, my own cousin can't get on and she finds Waldo every week.

137. I'll bet you could.

138. No, I couldn't possibly find Waldo every week,

139. especially in those beach scenes when he's not wearing his shirt.

140. No, I meant, getting on Jeopardy.

141. Would you like to try a few questions?

142. Okay.

143. Alex, I love your tie.

144. - What? - Alex Trebek, dumb-dumb.

145. I heard that if you flirt with him, he locks out the other guys' buzzers.

146. I'm going to be good at this.

147. All right.

148. Famous monarchs.

149. That's easy.

150. The most famous Monarch was the '72 Mercury.

151. More specifically, the one my ex-boyfriend, Danny, drove.

152. And I'm the one that made it famous.

153. Moving on...

154. Astronomy!

155. This is the oldest body orbiting the sun.

156. What is William Shatner?

157. My head.

158. You know, the same thing happens to Mr. Sheffield.

159. Gee, it must be something in this room.

160. - Fran. - Yes?

161. Would you mind if we picked this up tomorrow?

162. Sure. Sure. No problem.

163. There's a set of steel-belted radials I've gotta stop payment on.

164. Oh, boy!

165. Bye, Noel. Thank you.

166. Did Noel leave? I'm sorry I missed him.

167. Well, I miss him, too. It's nice to have a man around,

168. who notices my inane intelligence.

169. Miss Fine, I noticed that the first time,

170. you threw a penny in the bidet and made a wish.

171. Don't try and get on my good side, mister.

172. For your information, Noel finds me stimulating.

173. Believe me, it's not your mind that's aroused his... interest.

174. You know, there is only one explanation for your negativity.

175. Please, you think, I'm jealous of Noel?

176. That makes two.

177. You just don't want me to reach my full potential.

178. You want to keep me in that kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.

179. You're the one who wanted to have children.

180. You wanted to make it your full-time job.

181. Oh God, what am I saying?

182. Meanwhile, Professor Noel Babcock, PhD,

183. thinks that I'm smart enough to get on Jeopardy.

184. - How do you like that? - Jeopardy?

185. Remind me, what night does that tape? I should leave it open.

186. No, as a matter of fact, I should block out the entire week.

187. They ask the champion back, you know.

188. That's right, and let's hope that it's not on the same night

189. as Clinton's Renaissance Weekend.

190. Look, it doesn't matter, because you're not invited.

191. - Let me see that. - No.

192. It could be a category on Jeopardy.

193. "Member of the Broadway community who's invited to the Renaissance Weekend."

194. Andrew Lloyd Webber.

195. Sorry. That is incorrect.

196. - Really? - The correct response would be...

197. "Who is Andrew Lloyd Webber?"

198. It's no good, Niles. I can't concentrate.

199. It's too bloody quiet.

200. - What on earth's missing? - Well, perhaps this will help, sir.

201. Mr. Sheffield, hi!

202. That's it, Niles. Miss Fine's not here.

203. Well, just trying to fill your void, sir. It's obvious you miss her.

204. I most certainly do not.

205. I'm just wondering where she is, what she's doing,

206. which is entirely different from missing her.

207. What?

208. Nothing, sir, I was just wondering how you ended up there,

209. and I ended up here.

210. Seems wrong somehow.

211. She's probably with Noel.

212. You know, Niles, that relationship doesn't make any sense.

213. I mean, what on earth does he want with her?

214. Sir, is it beyond your comprehension that an intelligent man of the world

215. could find Miss Fine intellectually stimulating?

216. No, really, Niles.

217. All right. It's a bet.

218. Miss Babcock's brother, bet her that he could get Miss Fine on Jeopardy.

219. A bet.

220. I knew he had an ulterior motive.

221. You're not gonna rub Miss Fine's nose in this, are you?

222. No, of course not.

223. Is that her?

224. Now, sir.

225. Hello. Didn't hear you come in.

226. Mr. Sheffield, guess what?

227. I passed the test. I'm gonna be on Jeopardy.

228. Would you look at her? She's so happy for me.

229. I paid $200,000 for that stallion.

230. I hope he paid for the room.

231. Fran, I am so proud of you.

232. Your thirsty mind soaked up all that knowledge like a little sponge.

233. If you'll excuse me, I have to see a man about a horse.

234. You passed the test?

235. Yes.

236. You see, that is the difference between you and Noel.

237. He thinks I'm a sponge.

238. - Are you through, Miss Fine, because— - No.

239. You know, you're so smart and powerful,

240. everybody always listens to everything you have to say.

241. - Well, Miss Fine— - Wait. I'm talking.

242. We both know that I'm not as smart or cultured as you are.

243. I mean, remember when I first moved here

244. and you asked me where was the Cabernet, and what did I say?

245. Next to Cabin B.

246. Although I never did take Spanish.

247. Mr. Sheffield, you have no idea

248. what gaining the respect from a man like Noel means to a girl like me.

249. Now, what was it, you wanted to say?

250. Good luck on Jeopardy, Miss Fine.

251. Thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

252. Now I gotta go call my mother 'cause nobody in my family's been

253. on a game show since my cousin, Ira, was Queen for a Day.

254. Okay. Questions, kids. Drill me.

255. Okay, Fran. The category is potpourri.

256. Things that smell good. Things you put in a dish.

257. - Things that— - No, Fran, Fran, that's the pyramid.

258. - What is Egypt? - Fran, you're running out of time.

259. I'll solve the puzzle.

260. - Miss Fine— - What is a nanny? Things that are single.

261. Calm down! Calm down.

262. There are plenty of other contestants.

263. They're all backups and you don't have to go on.

264. Are you kidding me? I already cut the tags out of this dress.

265. I'm definitely going on.

266. Five minutes!

267. - Break a leg, Miss Fine. - Fran, you'll do great.

268. - Fran, you look so beautiful. - Thanks, sweetie.

269. But, you know, beauty is not what's important here.

270. It's brains that count.

271. Hey, you. I want that same filter that they used on Liz

272. for the White Diamonds commercial.

273. Before we continue, let's recap the scores.

274. We have Henrietta at $4,600.

275. Stewart next at $4,700,

276. and Fran close behind at minus $1,300.

277. But, Fran, please, don't get discouraged.

278. I'm fine, Alex. I'm just getting my taste buds ready

279. for my year's supply of Chico-San Rice Cakes.

280. Good for you. Stewart, you gave me

281. the last correct response, so you have control of the board.

282. Thank you, Alex. By the way, nice tie.

283. Please!

284. - I'll take Inventors for 400, please. - Answer,

285. "The name Thomas was made famous in 1880

286. for this household invention."

287. Stewart.

288. What is the light bulb?

289. No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Henrietta.

290. What is the phonograph?

291. No. That, too, is incorrect.

292. Fran, would you like to try?

293. "The name Thomas was made famous in 1880 for this household invention."

294. What is the fork-split English muffin?

295. That's absolutely right.

296. Come on, people.

297. In 1875, Mr. Thomas left England,

298. and closed his shop up for good to come to our country.

299. Believe it or not, you're now in control of the board.

300. I'll pick food facts for $200.

301. Alex.

302. The answer is a Daily Double.

303. I'll bet $1,000, Alex.

304. Answer.

305. "Though usually associated with red beets, this East European soup—"

306. - Fran. - What is borscht?

307. You're absolutely right. Congratulations!

308. And that sound means time now for our Final Jeopardy.

309. Here is the Final Jeopardy answer.

310. "This city was incorporated into the Roman Empire in 30 B.C.

311. after the suicide of Cleopatra."

312. Good luck.

313. Dropped my earring. Dropped my earring. Whoah, Nelly.

314. Found it. Found the earring. What's going on?

315. I found the earring.

316. I found the earring.

317. All right, contestants, time's up.

318. Henrietta, what did you write down as your question?

319. "What is Macedonia?"

320. I'm sorry. That's wrong.

321. What was your wager?

322. $4,200. You risked it all.

323. And that takes you all the way down to zero.

324. Enjoy the home game, honey.

325. Well, now let's go to Stewart. His response was...

326. "What is Cairo?"

327. And, unfortunately, he too is wrong.

328. Your wager, please, Stewart, was $4,199.

329. That takes you down to $101.

330. Still like his tie, Stewie?

331. Fran?

332. Well, my mother and I were on our way to Israel on El Al

333. and who was sitting next to us but Diana Kind,

334. a.k.a. Barbra Streisand's mother, in coach.

335. They got a lot of unresolved issues, those two.

336. On her way to see the pyramids in Giza.

337. So, your response is Giza.

338. No, Mr. In-a-Hurry.

339. But talking about Streisand and Egypt,

340. reminded me of Omar Sharif,

341. who according to my Funny Girl trivia book,

342. was not the first actor cast in the role of Nicky Arnstein.

343. - But was born in— - Miss Fine!

344. What is Alexandria?

345. That's right.

346. You've doubled your score to $200.

347. Fran Fine is the new Jeopardy champion!

348. $200

349. Hello, Jeopardy.

350. Yeah. I want to talk to you about my Rice-A-Ronis.

351. Well, according to my calculations, I got six Herb & Butter,

352. six Broccoli Au Gratin,

353. but only five White Cheddar & Herb.

354. Now someone over there ain't so smart.

355. Isn't that ironic?

356. Cheer up, Miss Fine!

357. - You won one game. - Yeah.

358. And you don't have to be the returning champion.

359. I like you just the way you are.

360. Thanks, Mr. Sheffield. But...

361. If you ever saw me just the way I am, you wouldn't recognize me.

362. Look who's here.

363. - Hi, Roger. Hi. - Hi.

364. Mr. Sheffield,

365. you remember Roger Clinton, the President's brother.

366. - Of course. Nice to see you. - Hi. Good to see you again.

367. Well, it's amazing you found the time to drop by,

368. what with your, brother's job and all.

369. Roger is the guy that's renting the townhouse next door.

370. Just till November '96.

371. Then I'm buying it.

372. Listen, I just stopped by 'cause my brother wanted me

373. to give this to you in person.

374. It's an invitation to the Renaissance Weekend.

375. Now you see, you did get invited.

376. It must have just been a big oversight.

377. Thanks so much, Roger.

378. You are a doll.

379. Gee, I saw that gorgeous canopy bed

380. that they were delivering to your townhouse.

381. It looks just like the one in the Lincoln Bedroom.

382. Not after I paint it white.

383. He's a riot.

384. Miss Fine, did— did you have something to do with this?

385. Please, Mr. Sheffield,

386. I can't even get Brighton to put his dirty underwear in the hamper.

387. You think I can influence the President of the United States of America?

388. Meanwhile, I think you should pick up a corsage.

389. You're taking out Janet Reno tonight.