1. Maggie!
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2. Tilt your head.
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3. Can I vacuum in there yet?
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4. You know, I think there's more
than enough suction
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5. going on in that room.
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6. Why don't you give them some privacy?
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7. Niles, I'm performing
a very important function.
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8. I'm watching out for her father.
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9. Yeah. The minute
Mr. Sheffield comes
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10. walking through that front door,
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11. I'll just shift right
into my nanny schtik.
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12. "Maggie, you're too young,
yada, yada."
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13. Wow! Would you look at the way
she tilts her head?
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14. You know, I taught her that.
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15. Gee, Niles, that Abdominizer
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16. I bought you is really paying off.
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17. Not that your body could ever compare
with Mr. Sheffield's.
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18. He's so handsome and young.
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19. What are we ever gonna do with that girl?
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20. She's completely out of control.
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21. Maybe I should hire
another nanny to watch her.
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22. Well, you know, that would really
free me up a lot to...
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23. Miss Fine!
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24. Look, I'm very concerned about Margaret.
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25. She has three weeks
of winter vacation coming up,
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26. and I don't want her spending
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27. the entire time on that couch
kissing some boy.
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28. Oh, why don't you do what my father did
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29. when I entered my make-out years?
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30. - Huh?
- He walked into the den
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31. and he spliced into the neighbor's cable.
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32. And?
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33. I don't know.
We haven't seen him since.
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34. Miss Fine!
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35. Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
she's going to be 17.
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36. I mean, all she's doing is kissing.
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37. It's not as if
she's running out of the house
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38. to meet some wild drifter
who's picking her up on a motorcycle.
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39. Got to go.
That's my date.
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40. If you still haven't made any plans
for your Christmas vacation,
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41. you're welcome to join me and Daddy.
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42. Oh, well, uh, you know, Mom,
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43. as tempting as a bus tour
of Florida dinner theaters sounds,
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44. I don't think I could stand the thrill
of seeing the Ropers do Love Letters.
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45. Oh, JJ Walker's gonna be
in Six Degrees of Separation.
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46. It's not too late to change your mind.
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47. The review says it's dynamite.
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48. - Oh, Niles.
- Huh?
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49. It's so hard planning a vacation
when you're a single.
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50. Yes. It's so much nicer
when you have a family
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51. so you can lug their
ski equipment around Vail.
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52. Sit around the fire listening to
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53. "Niles, get me a brandy.
Niles, bring me a comforter.
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54. "Niles, go out in that
blizzard for a pizza!"
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55. - Niles.
- What...
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56. is that on your shoe, sir?
Let me get that for you.
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57. There you are, sir. Much better, sir.
Merry Christmas, sir.
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58. Miss Fine. Miss Fine,
I've... I've made a decision.
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59. - Yeah?
- Yeah, I simply can't risk
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60. Margaret spending her
whole winter vacation with that boy,
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61. so I'm sending her abroad.
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62. A broad?
You want her swinging that way?
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63. Miss Fine, I'm serious.
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64. I'm sending her away for three weeks.
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65. You're sending her away from her family
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66. on the holidays?
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67. Uh-huh.
She's going to Switzerland.
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68. Just her and her nanny?
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69. Alone.
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70. I'm sending her to a convent
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71. where she can learn French,
arts, and European history.
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72. Wow-wee! That sounds more boring
than I can even fathom.
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73. And I'm actually considering
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74. sitting through a bunch of bad plays
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75. where the only dialog I'm gonna hear
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76. is the audience going,
"What'd he say?"
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77. I don't care how much Margaret protests.
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78. I'm her father, and what I say goes.
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79. So talk her into it, would you?
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80. Me?
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81. Yeah. And try to
phrase it carefully.
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82. I don't want to come off like an ogre.
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83. Oh, don't worry.
You're not gonna be an ogre.
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84. I'll protect you.
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85. Well, the ogre saw you
sucking face with Eric.
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86. Now he wants to send you to
a nunnery in the Swiss Alps.
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87. A convent?
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88. What am I supposed to do there?
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89. Learn French.
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90. I guess he didn't see what I saw.
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91. Oh, honey, a convent
might not be that bad.
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92. I got two words for you.
Sound of Music.
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93. I mean, in two hours,
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94. Maria managed to ditch the nuns,
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95. marry a gorgeous captain,
sell the movie rights,
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96. and never have to schlep up
another mountain again.
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97. Oh, come on, Fran,
would you go if you were me?
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98. Honey, you know, going away
by yourself could be a great thing.
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99. When I was your age, I spent an entire
summer on a kibbutz in Israel,
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100. and I had the time of my life.
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101. A kibbutz?
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102. Is that like one of those
communes in the '60s?
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103. Well, sort of.
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104. Except the only thing we smoked was fish.
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105. Oh, yeah. But if I go,
Eric will meet another girl.
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106. Oh, no, he won't. You just tell
him that if he cheats on you,
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107. you're gonna know just by looking at him.
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108. Who'd be stupid enough to believe that?
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109. Guys.
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110. Well, I propose we shut up
the office on the 15th.
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111. No one important
is ever around for the holidays.
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112. You staying in town again,
C.C.?
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113. No. This year I'm getting
as far away from this place as possible.
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114. Oh, Santa got my letter.
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115. What about you, Niles?
What are your plans?
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116. Aren't we going to Vail?
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117. No, old man.
This year you're on your own.
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118. I am?
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119. Yes. Why don't you
take a nice vacation just for yourself?
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120. Oh, please, the lost
Marx brother, Cheapo?
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121. Are you suggesting I'm frugal?
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122. Well, you have to admit,
old man, I... I know what I pay you,
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123. and you're not spending it
on your wardrobe, eh?
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124. Oh, come on, Niles,
you never break a buck.
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125. You live in Maxwell's house,
you eat his food.
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126. Nanny Fine got you that Flowbee
so you could cut your own hair.
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127. Where do you stash your cash?
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128. Somewhere you'll never get near.
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129. Oh. Your mattress.
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130. No.
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131. His.
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132. Merry Christmas,
Mr. Sheffield.
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133. Maggie's going to a convent so your
round, young virgin will stay that way.
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134. Miss Fine, I don't know how to thank you.
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135. Oh, you'll think of something.
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136. Fifth floor at Saks,
Ralph Lauren leather goods.
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137. Ask for Sadie.
I put it on hold.
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138. Oh, Daddy, I am so excited about my trip.
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139. And I owe it all to Fran.
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140. Oh, stop.
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141. No. I mean,
I was against it at first,
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142. but then she really talked me into it.
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143. Stop.
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144. I can't wait to go
on a kibbutz in Israel.
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145. Stop!
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146. What the devil
is all this about a kibbutz?
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147. Oh, honey, I think you misunderstood
our little conversation.
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148. No. No. I remember. You said that dad
was an ogre and...
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149. No! No! No! No!
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150. I said okra.
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151. Okra was what we planted on the kibbutz.
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152. That must have been
where you got your wires crossed.
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153. Well, whatever.
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154. Anyways, I've got to go
kiss Eric goodbye.
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155. Oh, Fran, you were so right.
When you tilt your head...
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156. Honey, honey, look,
if you're going on a kibbutz,
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157. start letting the hair
on your legs grow out.
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158. You know, it's amazing.
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159. Every time I ask you to do something,
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160. you always manage to screw it all up!
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161. And yet, you continue to ask me.
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162. You need help, mister.
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163. There's no way on earth
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164. Margaret is going to a kibbutz
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165. unchaperoned at her age.
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166. Why? My mother let me go
when I was a teenager.
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167. Oh, you must have been
quite a piece of work back then.
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168. God only knows how you managed to
scam her into that one.
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169. You know, you are so wrong.
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170. My mother and I
had a very open relationship.
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171. So, Val, here's the scam
that we tell my mother.
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172. The kibbutz is completely chaperoned.
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173. There are no gorgeous,
shirtless Israeli guys.
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174. And we're only there to absorb the rich
and wonderful culture of our people.
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175. Got it.
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176. Fran, why does your mother have to put
the yogurt in the freezer?
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177. That's her new invention, frozen yogurt.
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178. Oh, parents are so stupid.
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179. Oh, Fran, look who's on Virginia Graham.
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180. That really cool guy
from The Blue Lagoon.
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181. Mmm, he is going to be such a big star.
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182. Change the channel.
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183. Well, now, I want you to say hello
to one of the most talented, young,
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184. bright, exciting Broadway producers,
Mr. Maxwell Sheffield.
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185. Oh, don't stop now.
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186. Oh, is he a babe!
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187. To think I was about to do this musical
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188. with a bunch of people
running around dressed as cats.
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189. - Heaven forbid.
- Oh, terrible.
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190. Luckily, luckily, my secretary
talked me out of that one.
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191. Take a bow, Ms. C.C. Babcock.
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192. Fran, I just got off the phone
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193. with Mrs. Spielberg
from down the hall,
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194. and her son is dying to take you out.
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195. Steven? That geek
from AV Squad?
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196. Ewe!
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197. How about Mrs. Milken's son?
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198. He's very smart.
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199. Meanwhile, he stole money
out of my locker, Ma.
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200. So, Val, what do you want to
do this summer vacation?
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201. I want to go someplace
that I can expand my mind
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202. and absorb all the ancient heritage.
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203. You're not going to a kibbutz.
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204. Ma, how did you know?
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205. Darling, I'm your mother.
I read your diary.
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206. Oh, that must be Ma.
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207. We're going into the city.
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208. Uncle Jack's building is going condom.
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209. Meanwhile, your meshuggener granddaughter
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210. wants to go to a kibbutz.
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211. Well, you went when you were her age.
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212. Ma!
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213. That was different.
I was building a nation.
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214. Ma, I am so never talking to you again.
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215. - Fran...
- I can't hear you. I can't hear you.
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216. Fran, you better get
this kibbutz thing out of your head
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217. and start thinking about your future now.
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218. Or you are gonna wind up
like your Cousin Myra,
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219. over 30 and still single.
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220. Sure, Ma, like that's ever gonna happen.
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221. Oh, Val, you should
see my Cousin Myra. It is so pathetic.
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222. Thirty-two years old
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223. in a really short mini-skirt, high heels,
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224. big hair.
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225. It is so sad.
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226. So you're telling me
your mother let you go
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227. 7,000 miles across the world,
no argument?
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228. Uh, yeah.
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229. Mr. Sheffield,
I'm telling you,
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230. this is gonna be a really
good experience for Maggie.
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231. I just wish that you would trust me
as much as my mother did.
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232. Oh, sure, a vacuum
accident on your neck?
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233. I don't trust you as
far as I can throw you, young lady!
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234. Ma, it's me.
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235. Ma?
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236. Hello. Anybody home?
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237. Oh, my God!
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238. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
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239. Would it kill you to knock
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240. before you enter a person's bedroom?
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241. Ma, I'm sorry.
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242. I hear sounds of ecstasy
coming from your room,
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243. I figure you're eating a cheesecake.
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244. Darling, if it bothers you,
just forget what you saw.
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245. Well, that's not gonna be
so easy since it's burned in my cornea.
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246. Darling, what are you doing here anyway?
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247. Just a minute here.
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248. I've got to take a swig of Manischewitz.
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249. Mmm, good vintage.
May.
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250. I asked you to get
my stuff from Israel, remember?
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251. Oh, it's over there.
What do you want with that junk?
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252. Oh, well, I talked Mr. Sheffield
into letting Maggie go on a kibbutz,
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253. and I wanted to show her
what a good time I had.
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254. Fran, you hated the kibbutz.
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255. No, I didn't.
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256. Oh, look, here's my old journal.
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257. "I hate this kibbutz."
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258. "Friday. Almost able
to braid armpit hair.
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259. "Sent Val to Jordan
to smuggle in Lady Bics."
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260. You left halfway through the program.
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261. Don't you remember?
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262. We had to tell them that Nana died
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263. so we would get back the deposit.
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264. Why do I remember
having the time of my life?
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265. What was so great about it?
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266. Fran?
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267. Fran?
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268. Uh, yeah, yeah.
Bagel, bagel.
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269. Shalom, matzo ball, shalom.
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270. Now, come over here and knish me.
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271. Oh, yeah.
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272. Now I remember why I loved it so much.
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273. That was where I lost my...
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274. hat.
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275. All right.
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276. So you did have fun.
I was wrong.
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277. So, maybe Maggie
will just have as much fun as you.
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278. Oh, over my dead body!
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279. This old dishrag
has seen better days.
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280. Were your ears burning?
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281. Looky, Diamond Jim,
I brought you some travel brochures.
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282. Don't worry.
They're free.
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283. Let's see.
Ooh, windsurfing in Saint Barts.
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284. Uh-oh.
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285. $25 equipment fee.
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286. Well, you know,
if you flip one really fast,
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287. it's like you're there.
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288. Is that how you make your dates move?
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289. As it happens, I've made travel plans.
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290. Oh, which island did you decide on?
Staten or Coney?
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291. Actually, I can afford
to make a lovely trip.
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292. I sold a pair of gaudy gold cuff links
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293. Mr. Sheffield gave me,
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294. one treble clef, one bass clef.
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295. I gave Maxwell
those cuff links for his birthday.
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296. Oh. Well, then,
thanks for the trip.
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297. Niles, Niles,
where's Mr. Sheffield?
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298. I've got to talk to him
about Maggie going on this kibbutz.
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299. But didn't you already
talk him into it this morning?
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300. Yeah. But it's this afternoon.
Now, I've got to talk him out of it.
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301. - Keep up! Keep up!
- But it's too late.
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302. He's already gone shopping
with her for the trip.
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303. Oh, good. Okay. She's trying on
short shorts and tube tops.
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304. He's looking at salesmen looking at her
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305. in the short shorts and tube tops.
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306. They're at each other's throat.
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307. The trip's off.
My work is done.
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308. Oh, good, you're still here.
Wait till you see this.
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309. Isn't that adorable?
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310. I'm dead.
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311. Wow, Dad, thank you so much
for all this cool stuff.
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312. I love you.
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313. Oh, love you too, sweetheart.
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314. Oh, Miss Fine, I can't thank you enough.
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315. You know, I don't think
Margaret and I have ever been this close.
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316. I just hope she has as thrilling a time
on her kibbutz as you did.
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317. Yeah. Well, be careful
what you hope for.
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318. You know, Margaret and I are like...
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319. Well, we're like friends.
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320. When we were shopping just now,
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321. we ran into a couple of her schoolmates,
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322. and for the first time,
she didn't make me hide.
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323. Oh.
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324. Sweet. Touching.
Love it.
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325. Now, haul yourself upstairs
and tell her she can't go.
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326. What? Why?
Why?
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327. Uh, they closed Israel
for Hanukkah. Yup.
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328. Too many people, too many candles.
Big fire hazard. Big.
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329. Miss Fine.
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330. All right. You wanna know
what it really is?
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331. I kind of remembered
that the kibbutz was where I lost my...
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332. Oh, hi, kids!
What's new?
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333. Well, we were just in the basement...
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334. Wait! Wait! Wait!
Wait! Wait!
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335. Everybody quiet, except Miss Fine.
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336. Now, you were saying you don't
want Margaret to go to the kibbutz
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337. because that's where you lost your...
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338. Hat.
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339. Hat?
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340. Hat?
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341. All right. I take it
you were very attached to this hat.
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342. Well, not as much as my mother was.
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343. Look, Miss Fine,
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344. what on earth is the big deal
about losing your...
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345. Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Everybody out!
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346. No! No! No!
Not you, Miss Fine.
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347. Oh, my God!
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348. Why... Why do I ever listen to you?
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349. Well, my voice is
kind of hard to tune out.
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350. It's like one of those innate compulsions
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351. like smelling milk you know has gone bad
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352. or touching something
that says "wet paint,"
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353. or gnawing at the inside
of your cheek when the dentist says...
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354. All right. Okay.
We get the picture. I'll go tell her.
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355. Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
you don't. This is where I take over.
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356. Now you'll see how something
is done when it's done right.
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357. Margaret is not going
to the kibbutz, and that is final.
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358. I have to hand it to you, Miss Fine.
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359. This was a brilliant solution
to everyone's problem.
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360. Meanwhile, would you
go pick some grapefruit?
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361. 'Cause if we don't come back
with a full wheelbarrow,
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362. they're gonna kick us off.
And there's no Ramada around here.
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363. All right, all right.
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364. Fran?
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365. Oh, my God!
Yelsey, hi.
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366. Are you still working here?
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367. Yes. But now I work
with my son.
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368. You like kibbutz?
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369. Yeah.
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370. You want me to take your hat?
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371. Oh, no, you don't!
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372. Nice tan, Sheila.
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373. Bonjour, Marisol.
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374. Oh, shake it, Miss Babcock.
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375. Oh, daylight come and me want go home.
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