1. - Oh, my God, will you look at that!
- It's gorgeous!Copy !req
2. What is that?Copy !req
3. Oh, no. Fran's giving her mother's
canasta group a tour of the house.Copy !req
4. Cover your cheeks!Copy !req
5. And this is the very pianoCopy !req
6. once played by Mr. Marvin
"The Way We Were" Hamlisch!Copy !req
7. Don't push, Frida.Copy !req
8. Ever since they took you off
the estrogen, you're so aggressive.Copy !req
9. Not to mention that 5:00 shadow.Copy !req
10. Sorry. My girl doesn't do windows.Copy !req
11. I thought I'd show her
it's not such a sin.Copy !req
12. Meet me in the kitchen,
and I'll clean behind the refrigerator.Copy !req
13. And this is the famous
Sheffield guest bathroom.Copy !req
14. I don't wanna drop names,Copy !req
15. but Liz Taylor did not leave
White Diamonds in there.Copy !req
16. Celebrities coming, going.Copy !req
17. I don't know how my Fran
stays so down-to-earth.Copy !req
18. Ma, please. People are people.
We're all the same under the eyes of—Copy !req
19. Ben Vereen!Copy !req
20. Oh, my God!Copy !req
21. Do Roots! Do Roots!Copy !req
22. - And who are these lovely ladies?
- I'm sorry, Ben.Copy !req
23. - This is my nanny, her mother...
- Hi.Copy !req
24. and the 1948 Israeli luge team?Copy !req
25. Do Pippin. Do Pippin.Copy !req
26. Miss Fine, please.Copy !req
27. So I guess a highlight
of Tenspeed and Brown ShoeCopy !req
28. would be out of the question?Copy !req
29. So you're the one who saw that.Copy !req
30. - Nanny Fine.
- What?Copy !req
31. Mr. Vereen is a very busy man.Copy !req
32. Coming through, coming through.Copy !req
33. Now, can I give you a lift
back to the hotel?Copy !req
34. He can ride in the basket with Toto.Copy !req
35. Ben, this show has been a passion
of mine for 20 years.Copy !req
36. And now with you,
we have a sure-fire hit on our hands.Copy !req
37. I hope I still have the moves.Copy !req
38. Bravo, bravo!Copy !req
39. I guess I do.Copy !req
40. I love you!Copy !req
41. Well, you see, people are people.Copy !req
42. He touched that. It's mine.Copy !req
43. Yes! I can't believe this play
is finally happening.Copy !req
44. Now, if we can just get
the financing in place.Copy !req
45. - Fran, come here.
- What, Ma?Copy !req
46. We wanna invest our canasta winnings
in Mr. Sheffield's play.Copy !req
47. - Your pishke?
- Yeah.Copy !req
48. Ma, don't be too fast and loose
with your pishke.Copy !req
49. What?Copy !req
50. - It hasn't been touched in years.
- All right.Copy !req
51. Mr. Sheffield, they wanna give you
their pishke.Copy !req
52. Well, she seems like a lovely woman, but—Copy !req
53. No, this is Frida.Copy !req
54. The pishke are their winnings
from playing cards.Copy !req
55. Goody, we're made.Copy !req
56. What my partner means to say isCopy !req
57. though we appreciate
your enthusiasm for the theater, ladies,Copy !req
58. we cannot possibly accept your—Copy !req
59. - Twenty-five thousand dollars?
- You're in!Copy !req
60. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, QueensCopy !req
61. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenesCopy !req
62. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fannyCopy !req
63. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' doorCopy !req
64. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw moreCopy !req
65. She had style, she had flair She was thereCopy !req
66. That's how she became the NannyCopy !req
67. Who would have guessed
That the girl we describedCopy !req
68. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?Copy !req
69. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.Copy !req
70. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!Copy !req
71. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tanCopy !req
72. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named FranCopy !req
73. Niles, that's the spread
you're putting outCopy !req
74. for Mr. Sheffield's big investor?Copy !req
75. My mother's got money in this show.Copy !req
76. I want him walking out
with his pants spreadCopy !req
77. and an Alka-Seltzer
foaming out of his mouth.Copy !req
78. Miss Fine, this is beluga caviar,
$100 an ounce.Copy !req
79. Niles, shopping tip:Copy !req
80. Lumpfish, Price Club, $1.99.
It can fill up your whole bathtub.Copy !req
81. All right, Niles. Charles Haste
will be here any minute.Copy !req
82. - What, is this all you're serving?
- Told you so.Copy !req
83. Niles, I want everything to be perfect.Copy !req
84. I've been wanting to do this play
since the beginning of my career.Copy !req
85. Now finally, C.C. has found
an investor that shares my vision.Copy !req
86. - Well, what's he do?
- He's a garbage man.Copy !req
87. But a very wealthy and acclaimed one.Copy !req
88. Mr. Sheffield, look at you. You seem
like a virgin on your wedding night,Copy !req
89. not that I would know.Copy !req
90. Because I've never been married.Copy !req
91. Where the devil is C.C.?Copy !req
92. Well, it is raining outside, sir.
Perhaps she melted.Copy !req
93. Shall I see if there's a pointy hat
and Chanel suit lying in the street?Copy !req
94. Well, let's just hope my trashman
comes through...Copy !req
95. or we'll lose the theater,
lose Ben Vereen,Copy !req
96. and it could be 20 years before
the pieces come together again.Copy !req
97. Well, then, what would happen
to my mother's pishke?Copy !req
98. Surely, Miss Fine, your mother realizesCopy !req
99. that investing in the theater
is a risky business.Copy !req
100. You're talking about a woman
whose idea of riskCopy !req
101. is wearing white pants to Tony Roma's.Copy !req
102. Besides, she's already decided
how to spend the profit.Copy !req
103. She's gonna get her whole face redone.Copy !req
104. - Well, Miss Fine, it's a little premature.
- I thought she was long overdue.Copy !req
105. No, Miss Fine, it's premature to spend it.Copy !req
106. I mean, you never know
which way a play is gonna go.Copy !req
107. Well, I don't like
the sound of this at all.Copy !req
108. You said it was a sure-fire hit.Copy !req
109. That's my job, to get investors.Copy !req
110. Believe me, I've tried all
the other arguments:Copy !req
111. "Why not throw your money
down a rat hole?"Copy !req
112. "Theater is dying," all of those.Copy !req
113. Oddly enough, the "sure-fire-hit" routine
is somehow more enticing.Copy !req
114. Well, how much of your own dough
did you stuff down this turkey?Copy !req
115. Well, I never invest in my own plays.Copy !req
116. It would be rather like
a doctor operating on himself.Copy !req
117. Although I got a cousin
who's a urologist—Copy !req
118. Yes.Copy !req
119. Poor Pee-wee's off the air,
and my cousin's still practicing.Copy !req
120. Maxwell, is he here yet?
Because I am hot today.Copy !req
121. Some twit of a tourist
tried to cheat me out of a cab.Copy !req
122. I stunned him with my umbrella
and kneed him right in the big apple.Copy !req
123. I don't know why some nice guy
hasn't snatched her up.Copy !req
124. Oh, my God, my hair!Copy !req
125. Look, C.C., I'm counting on you.Copy !req
126. Haste fancies himself
a bit of a ladies' man.Copy !req
127. So please do what you have to
to make yourself presentable.Copy !req
128. Shall I open the roof and strap her
to a lightning rod?Copy !req
129. No pressure, Miss Babcock, but you
know if you don't make this happen,Copy !req
130. I know 12 canasta ladies
that are gonna come after youCopy !req
131. like the last piece of pastrami
on a tray full of headcheese!Copy !req
132. - Miss Fine, please!
- I'm going, I'm going.Copy !req
133. All right. Let's just hope Mr. Haste's
in a generous mood.Copy !req
134. I hate show business already!Copy !req
135. I had a harder time getting here
than I did coming down the birth canal.Copy !req
136. Charles Haste, how you doing?Copy !req
137. Maxwell Sheffield, hello.
What on earth happened to you?Copy !req
138. Well, I was getting into a taxiCopy !req
139. when some big, blond woman
kneed me in the groinCopy !req
140. and then she clobbered me
with some hideous, green umbrella.Copy !req
141. So...Copy !req
142. where's your partner, C.C.?Copy !req
143. You know, she's the best fax I ever had.Copy !req
144. Well, Charlie, what do you say
we just keep this between us boys.Copy !req
145. I gave that up in camp, Sheffy.Copy !req
146. Let me tell you why
I'm getting into show biz.Copy !req
147. I have made zillions in waste management,Copy !req
148. but you just don't see a lot of leg.Copy !req
149. And if you do, you're calling homicide.Copy !req
150. What exactly are you saying?Copy !req
151. Well, I'm saying no chick,
no check, no deal.Copy !req
152. Maxwell, is he here yet—?Copy !req
153. - Who was that?
- That?Copy !req
154. You might as well know,
that was my partner, Miss Babcock.Copy !req
155. All right, come on out, C.C.Copy !req
156. Oh, no.Copy !req
157. Do I have a run in my Hanes?Copy !req
158. Well...Copy !req
159. that's not a run.
That's just a little snag.Copy !req
160. You got some clear polish?
I'll fix it for you.Copy !req
161. - Miss—?
- Babcock, how do you do?Copy !req
162. - What?
- You sounded different on the phone.Copy !req
163. I switched to MCI.Copy !req
164. Why?Copy !req
165. Because I have a lot
of friends and family.Copy !req
166. - What's that?
- The dog.Copy !req
167. We put her away because we didn't want her
to jump your leg.Copy !req
168. We really need to have her fixed.Copy !req
169. Shall we?Copy !req
170. Maxwell, Nanny Fine
can't possibly pass for me.Copy !req
171. She isn't in my class.Copy !req
172. She doesn't have my breeding.Copy !req
173. Well, then perhaps she won't lick herself
in front of company.Copy !req
174. Maxwell, are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?Copy !req
175. Yes.Copy !req
176. You attacked our investor.
That's bad, C.C., very bad.Copy !req
177. - Maxwell—
- Sit.Copy !req
178. Is he gonna hit her
with a rolled-up newspaper?Copy !req
179. All right, we have exactly three minutes
to teach you everythingCopy !req
180. Miss Babcock knows about the theater.Copy !req
181. We can do that and make a two-minute egg.Copy !req
182. First, we open in Philadelphia.Copy !req
183. Philly, great.
My Aunt Selma lives in Philly.Copy !req
184. She's the one with the Miracle-Ear.Copy !req
185. - A bit deaf?
- No! She has a miracle ear.Copy !req
186. When you look way inside,
you can see the Virgin Mary.Copy !req
187. She can't even get her ears pierced
because they keep healing.Copy !req
188. This is absurd.Copy !req
189. Miss Fine, please.Copy !req
190. - Miss Babcock.
- Miss Babcock.Copy !req
191. - What?
- What?Copy !req
192. You better call me C.C. After all,
we have been partners for over ten years.Copy !req
193. She's right, there needs to be
a certain level of intimacy.Copy !req
194. - I've always said that.
- Sheffield!Copy !req
195. - Get out, get out! Out, out!
- Maxwell. Maxwell, it's raining.Copy !req
196. So where did you guys disappear to?Copy !req
197. We had to put the dog out.Copy !req
198. All right, Sheffield, now, I got a couple
of questions about the play.Copy !req
199. Now, the first—Copy !req
200. Does she ever wear pants?Copy !req
201. Because then I'm out.Copy !req
202. Now, second, where's the play open?Copy !req
203. I know that. I know that.Copy !req
204. I...Copy !req
205. Miss Babcock, would you like
some cream cheese?Copy !req
206. We open in Kraft.Copy !req
207. We open in Philly, Miss Fine— Babcock.Copy !req
208. The fine Miss Babcock.Copy !req
209. That she is. Well, now moving on...Copy !req
210. Act one, it's trash.Copy !req
211. I beg your pardon. It's a touching,
well-crafted—Copy !req
212. It's got flies on it, Sheffy.Copy !req
213. I mean, we need
a rock-them-sock-them opening number.Copy !req
214. Yeah, people go to the theater
after dinner.Copy !req
215. They got gas. They need cover.Copy !req
216. Besides, we need a big number so people
can open their candy wrappers.Copy !req
217. Which they'll then throw on the floor.Copy !req
218. More garbage!Copy !req
219. That intermission is gonna sound
like Massachusetts in the fall.Copy !req
220. Now, about that check...Copy !req
221. I'm gonna give you that check
tomorrow evening over dinner.Copy !req
222. I've made reservations
at the Rainbow Room.Copy !req
223. I love that place!Copy !req
224. What a success story. They must do
20, 30 dumpsters a night.Copy !req
225. - No!
- C.C., C.C.Copy !req
226. I'll pick you up at 8:00.Copy !req
227. - Where do you live?
- Live?Copy !req
228. You'd think I live here,
I'm such a freeloader.Copy !req
229. Perhaps you have a business card
in your purse.Copy !req
230. Good.Copy !req
231. No. Your purse. That's...Copy !req
232. my purse.Copy !req
233. It's the rage in Europe.Copy !req
234. Okay, let's see.
We've got Retin-A and collagen.Copy !req
235. Here. What's this?Copy !req
236. The bill from my shrink.Copy !req
237. Am I unhappy!Copy !req
238. 407 East 86th Street. I'll send a limo.Copy !req
239. - Niles, didn't you forget something?
- Yes. Quite right, sir.Copy !req
240. Oh, man, I'll never get this game.Copy !req
241. What do you do if you have four queens?Copy !req
242. Gather around the piano
and sing songs from Gypsy.Copy !req
243. Hi, guys.Copy !req
244. Fran, you look so hot in that dress.Copy !req
245. I'm supposed to look like Miss Babcock.Copy !req
246. I tried to dress conservatively.Copy !req
247. Niles, can you picture Miss Babcock
in this dress?Copy !req
248. Not if I ever want to function
as a man again.Copy !req
249. Sorry, Maggie, but three kings
beat four queens.Copy !req
250. - They do?
- Brighton, that is a big, fat lie.Copy !req
251. Didn't I teach you anything?Copy !req
252. I don't know, C.C., did you?Copy !req
253. Well, that's an entirely different thing.
I am not lying.Copy !req
254. I'm just pretending,
like in one of your father's plays.Copy !req
255. So you're pretending to be an actor?Copy !req
256. No, you're thinking of Steven Seagal.Copy !req
257. Besides, why aren't you playing
hide-and-seek with your sister, Gracie?Copy !req
258. She's been up in that hamper
for three and a half hours.Copy !req
259. She'll show. How many days
can she go without food?Copy !req
260. Well, about as long as you can go
without that Playboy magazineCopy !req
261. that's rolled up inside your Lincoln Logs.Copy !req
262. Ready or not, here I come!Copy !req
263. Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Miss Babcock.Copy !req
264. Help me get into character.
Hit me with your best shot.Copy !req
265. - Oh, no, Miss Fine, I couldn't possibly.
- Come on.Copy !req
266. Hello, hello, I'm C.C. Babcock,
off to go to work.Copy !req
267. On your usual corner?Copy !req
268. I'm sorry.
Miss Fine, don't make me do this.Copy !req
269. I'm Miss Babcock,
and I'm off to get money from a man.Copy !req
270. Don't forget your change belt. Oh, God.Copy !req
271. I hate myself.Copy !req
272. Do it again.Copy !req
273. - No, I have to go.
- Come on, one more. I'm hot.Copy !req
274. All right, and I'll make this one easy.Copy !req
275. Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired.Copy !req
276. - Dog-tired.
- Come on.Copy !req
277. - A drink for a dog.
- I don't hear anything.Copy !req
278. Niles, get a life.Copy !req
279. I got it, I got it!Copy !req
280. I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl.Copy !req
281. Officer.Copy !req
282. - Hi.
- You finally got here.Copy !req
283. This is nice. Very warm.Copy !req
284. Which way to Radiology?Copy !req
285. Let me guess. The Heidi Fleiss collection?Copy !req
286. You told me to wear something designer.Copy !req
287. All right. I have prepared
a short dossier on myself.Copy !req
288. Where I grew up, went to prep school,
when I came out.Copy !req
289. You came out?Copy !req
290. So, what are you always
sniffing around Mr. Sheffield for?Copy !req
291. My coming-out party, Miss Fine.Copy !req
292. I know. I heard you.Copy !req
293. You know, now you and your special friend
can dance together at Disneyland.Copy !req
294. Aren't these lovely.Copy !req
295. Who are these people in the picture?Copy !req
296. That's my brother, and that's my sister.Copy !req
297. Isn't he gorgeous.Copy !req
298. Yes, he is, isn't he?Copy !req
299. Come on, who is he?Copy !req
300. - Just someone. It's not important.
- Tell me, tell me.Copy !req
301. He came with the frame, okay?Copy !req
302. Honey, there's nothing to be ashamed of.Copy !req
303. A lot of grown women do that.Copy !req
304. So pathetic.Copy !req
305. All right, now, what do I do
if Haste wants something to drink?Copy !req
306. I've got gin, vodka, bourbon.Copy !req
307. - You don't have anything a little softer?
- Rum?Copy !req
308. It's a good thing that I carry
a can of Clamato with me.Copy !req
309. - Plus, if ever you hit a skunk—
- Nanny Fine.Copy !req
310. Meanwhile, Miss Martha Stewart,Copy !req
311. with half a million dollars coming,
would it have hurtCopy !req
312. to squeeze a little cheese on a Ritz?Copy !req
313. Please, concentrate.Copy !req
314. - Who is it?
- Who do you think it is, Ed McMahon?Copy !req
315. Get in the closet.Copy !req
316. - Charlie, hi. Come on in.
- Hello.Copy !req
317. Take a load off. That check must be heavy.Copy !req
318. So this is your apartment?Copy !req
319. Doesn't look like you at all.Copy !req
320. Go hire a straight decorator.Copy !req
321. - For you, C.C.
- How lovely.Copy !req
322. Thank you so much.
Did you bring the half a mil?Copy !req
323. C.C., I've been thinking.Copy !req
324. I don't want to invest that much.Copy !req
325. - You don't?
- No.Copy !req
326. I wanna double it!Copy !req
327. Poltergeist.Copy !req
328. I got the apartment really cheap,
but I can't watch TV.Copy !req
329. - Gonna put those flowers in a vase?
- Yeah. Sure, of course.Copy !req
330. If only I could figure out
where I put my vases.Copy !req
331. - Perhaps in the kitchen.
- Right. The kitchen, of course.Copy !req
332. - That's a linen closet.
- The maid was here today.Copy !req
333. She never puts anything back
where it belongs.Copy !req
334. Now, if I were the maid,
where would I put the kitchen?Copy !req
335. Bingo!Copy !req
336. Aren't you gonna get that?Copy !req
337. No. It's just my idiot neighbor.Copy !req
338. You live in six-B!Copy !req
339. Maxwell, what are you doing here?Copy !req
340. C.C., I've come to my senses.
This is not how I do business.Copy !req
341. Are you crazy?
He is throwing money at her,Copy !req
342. and she didn't even have to put out.Copy !req
343. Hors d'oeuvres, the cat, anything really.Copy !req
344. I don't care how important
this play is to me.Copy !req
345. - Nothing is worth this.
- He's up to a million.Copy !req
346. They're coming. Get in the closet.Copy !req
347. I wouldn't eat that shrimp, if I were you.Copy !req
348. God knows how long it's been in there.Copy !req
349. C.C., I'm an expert on garbage.Copy !req
350. This baby's got two, three hours
before it turns.Copy !req
351. - Want a bite?
- No.Copy !req
352. As appealing as hepatitis sounds...Copy !req
353. yellow is just not my color.Copy !req
354. Well...Copy !req
355. let's talk about us.Copy !req
356. See, I think you and I see eye to eye.Copy !req
357. Those aren't my eyes.Copy !req
358. Well, don't you know that little,
bald, middle-aged menCopy !req
359. have very high levels of testosterone?Copy !req
360. An ironic twist of fate.Copy !req
361. You see, I say, let's dump Sheffield
and make this a duet.Copy !req
362. You said on the phone
that you're the brainsCopy !req
363. and he's just a pretty face in a blazer.Copy !req
364. I said that?Copy !req
365. How dare... me!Copy !req
366. I said you were pretty great
and a trailblazer.Copy !req
367. Damn cellular phones.Copy !req
368. Let me tell you something.
Maxwell Sheffield is a man of vision.Copy !req
369. Sure, he passed on Cats—Copy !req
370. Not one of his finest hours.Copy !req
371. But when everybody was going crazyCopy !req
372. wondering where to put the fiddler,
he's the one that said:Copy !req
373. "Stick him on the roof!"Copy !req
374. What does Sheffield really have
that I don't have?Copy !req
375. Well, for starters, he doesn't have
a shrimp vein hanging out of his tooth.Copy !req
376. Mr. Sheffield is a man of integrity.Copy !req
377. When he believes in a play,Copy !req
378. he will stick by it
even if it takes him 20 years to mount.Copy !req
379. Whilst I, C.C. Babcock,
will mount just about anything.Copy !req
380. There must be a gun in here.
I'll say she was a burglar.Copy !req
381. If you're gonna stick
with that no-talent, limey loser, then—Copy !req
382. - Hey, hi, Sheffield.
- She goes in, he comes out.Copy !req
383. This is like a David Copperfield special.Copy !req
384. Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?Copy !req
385. Just throwing out the trash.Copy !req
386. Don't leave!Copy !req
387. Do you wanna hear a really funny story?Copy !req
388. - Hello there.
- Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
389. You were worried about me
so you were peeking through the keyhole?Copy !req
390. How sweet.Copy !req
391. You don't do that at home, do you?Copy !req
392. Niles, my mother's
gonna be here any minute.Copy !req
393. How am I gonna tell her
that she doesn't have a pot to pishke in?Copy !req
394. Just tell her the truth.Copy !req
395. Right, the truth. Of course.Copy !req
396. I'm a grown woman. I don't have
to be afraid of my own mother.Copy !req
397. Besides, she's slowed down
ever since her thighs met.Copy !req
398. She wears corduroy slacks,
she could roast a marshmallow.Copy !req
399. - Hi, Ma. How you doing?
- Hi.Copy !req
400. Ma, I got something to tell you,
but I'm scared you're gonna yell.Copy !req
401. Darling, you're scared of your mother?
I could just smack you.Copy !req
402. Be afraid. Be very afraid.Copy !req
403. Meanwhile, when's the last time
you called your poor mother,Copy !req
404. an ocean away in a drafty country
eating french fries from a newspaper?Copy !req
405. Mommy?Copy !req
406. Just promise me you're not gonna yell.Copy !req
407. - Why would I yell?
- Good evening, ladies.Copy !req
408. I was just gonna tell my mother
about her investment.Copy !req
409. Yes, as a matter of fact,
I have some good news on that front.Copy !req
410. I found a new investor,
and you are looking at him.Copy !req
411. Well, I thought that you never invested
in your own plays.Copy !req
412. Which, frankly, I always found
to be very fishy.Copy !req
413. Well, I hear this one's being produced
by a man of vision and integrity.Copy !req
414. Sylvia, you'd have been very proud
of your daughter.Copy !req
415. We don't need to tell her this.Copy !req
416. She turned down
one of the wealthiest men in the country,Copy !req
417. and she did it out of loyalty to me.Copy !req
418. So that's what you were afraid to tell me,Copy !req
419. that you turned down a millionaire?Copy !req
420. Franny, you don't know
your mother very well.Copy !req
421. Excuse me, is this oven gas?Copy !req