The Nanny 2x6

1. Okay, kids, come on, come on. Everyone hold onto me.

2. Not you, you pervert!

3. Wow, this is so cool. Dad never lets us take the subway.

4. Well, the entire city is in gridlock. I don't know who schedules

5. a gay pride parade on the day they're unveiling a Calvin Klein billboard.

6. Give me a dollar!

7. Don't worry, kids, I'll take care of this.

8. What am I, Santa Claus? You give me a dollar!

9. Yeah!

10. You weren't even afraid of him.

11. Oh, honey, just because he yelled in my face?

12. You obviously have never seen my mother watch The Price Is Right.

13. It's creepy down here.

14. Oh, honey, the subway's not creepy.

15. It's just nobody gives a damn anymore.

16. - What do I do with my soda? - Just leave it on the floor.

17. Oh, would you look at that poor woman with all those kids and bags.

18. Hold your sister a minute.

19. Excuse me. Can I give you a hand?

20. Can I hold something for you?

21. Oh, wow.

22. I would've given me the salami, but you're a lot cuter.

23. You see, kids, one simple act of kindness,

24. and already the world is a better place.

25. Of course, this is America. She could speak English.

26. Oh, good, a seat.

27. Yes, you're such a doll. You're such a doll.

28. That's right.

29. Shayna punim.

30. Oh, what a shayna punim. What a little punim.

31. Uh, excuse me, Yentl?

32. Yeah? What?

33. Where's the mother?

34. Oh, my God. She abandoned her baby.

35. What is this world coming to?

36. The salami she guards with her life.

37. Fran, what are we gonna do?

38. Oh, you poor, defenseless little thing.

39. Someone's hungry.

40. Can you believe that wasn't the first time that happened to me on the subway?

41. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

42. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

43. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

44. So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

45. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

46. She had style, she had flair She was there

47. That's how she became the Nanny

48. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

49. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

50. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, CC

51. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

52. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

53. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

54. Oh, I can't believe I'm holding a baby.

55. If only you came with a husband and a house in Great Neck.

56. Okay, we gotta act fast here. Gracie, go bring down your pink blanket.

57. Not my blankie.

58. Oh, God, I can't believe you still have that thing.

59. Brighton, bring down the Snoopy up in your closet.

60. What Snoopy in my closet?

61. You know, you're just like my mother:

62. "What Nestlé's Crunch bar under my NordicTrack?"

63. Go!

64. Oh, what a day I had today.

65. Let me guess. Yard sale at Mia Farrow's?

66. Maggie, go see if you can find some bottles.

67. Niles, do we have any old nipples around the house?

68. Hello, hello.

69. Good afternoon, CC, Niles, Ms. Fine, baby.

70. Why?

71. Some woman just abandoned this baby on the subway.

72. It's a good thing I was there, or he could've been found by some wacko.

73. You know, one of those people who walk around talking to themselves.

74. Although what the hell I'm gonna do with a baby, I'll never know.

75. I'll call 911.

76. What kind of evil, cold-hearted woman

77. abandons a poor little defenseless creature?

78. Oh, that reminds me.

79. Yellow Cab called, you left your dog in the taxi again.

80. Oh, my God.

81. That's where I left my Gucci umbrella.

82. Ten-to-one she comes back with the Gucci and not the poochie.

83. Hello, you've reached emergency 911.

84. To report a murder, press one.

85. For mugging, press two.

86. For bomb threats below 34th Street, press three.

87. 34th Street to 72nd, press four.

88. You gotta love the N.Y.P.D.

89. Meanwhile, where's that David Caruso going with that big, white, freckly butt of his?

90. Ms. Fine, why the devil did you bring the baby here?

91. Why didn't you pass him over to a policeman straightaway?

92. They're very busy. It's Sunday.

93. The gays are coming out, the yuppies are working out,

94. and the Jews are eating out.

95. - Be careful. Mr. Snoopy's really old. - I will.

96. Look, his tail's loose, his hair's falling out, and he's busting at the seams.

97. Give him a remote control, he could be my father.

98. - Fran! - Here, you hold.

99. - What, sweetie? What? - I can't find my blankie anywhere.

100. - Fran? - Yeah, honey.

101. I can't find any bottles anywhere. How about a turkey baster?

102. Oh, sweetie. We're trying to feed a baby, not impregnate Ling-Ling.

103. Alright Ms. Fine, that's it. Here's your coat.

104. We're going down to the police station.

105. All right, but I'm telling you, we're never gonna get through.

106. How many gay people can there be in New York?

107. This from a man who produces Broadway musicals?

108. Gosh, it's a bloody mob scene out there.

109. I mean, I'm proud I'm British,

110. but you won't see me marching around dressed as Queen Victoria.

111. I told you we should've taken the subway.

112. Why? Hoping to pick up a few more, maybe start a bowling team?

113. Hey, a hundred sexy men wanted your phone number.

114. All they asked me was if my boots came in a size 13.

115. - The baby's back. - Oh, Daddy, can we keep him?

116. Grace, sweetheart, he's not a lost puppy. He's somebody's baby.

117. All right. Can I have a puppy?

118. No, you may not have a puppy.

119. Well, I don't know. It might help fill the void...

120. after we have to give away our baby boy.

121. Ms. Fine...

122. We need another boy in this hen house.

123. There's far too much Blossom on the tube.

124. Here, Maggie, hold little Joshua Elliott.

125. Careful.

126. - Who? - Well, Elliott after your father,

127. and Joshua I just always liked.

128. Oh, I can't wait to have a baby of my own.

129. Yes, you can wait.

130. You can wait a lot.

131. Can you say "Nintendo"?

132. Oh, he's so cute.

133. Hi.

134. - We can't give him up. - No.

135. - He's pooping. - Oh, no, give him to Brighton!

136. No! Give him to Fran, she's getting paid.

137. Oh, what are they making such a fuss about?

138. You'd think that they'd never ever seen a—

139. Oh, this kid's got far too many lentils in his diet.

140. Oh, for God's sake, just give him to me.

141. Come here, little fella.

142. All right.

143. I know what I'll do. I'll call the Department of Social Services.

144. Oh, yeah, Sunday at 4:30, they're waiting for you.

145. Oh, there's that vein in your forehead again.

146. You know, Ms. Fine, it's very odd, but that vein wasn't there a year ago.

147. - Just like the gray streak in your hair? - Exactly like the bloody gray streak.

148. Oh, now, would you calm down?

149. You're getting all wound up.

150. Pretty soon, you'll say something that you're gonna regret.

151. I did when I said, "You're hired."

152. All right, fine, I'll just dump the kid at the white zone at the airport.

153. There'll be 40 cops on him before he's done unloading.

154. Oh, Maxwell, I'm so glad you got that baby to the authorities.

155. I was very worried about that poor little defenseless thing.

156. Oh, slap that kid's picture on a milk carton and let's get back to work.

157. Oh, Joshy, what's the matter? Why aren't you eating?

158. Niles, what the hell is this?

159. It's puréed liver and Brussels sprouts.

160. Oh, the stuff that came out of him is more appetizing than that.

161. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, now, don't get mad.

162. I'm just giving him one last feeding

163. before I have to take him to the orphanage.

164. Can you say, "Please, sir, I want some more"?

165. That's enough, Ms. Fine.

166. Well, what's with the box?

167. Are you planning on mailing him to the police station?

168. Because then you better punch some holes in the top.

169. As a matter of fact, these are some of Brighton's baby clothes.

170. - I thought they might come in handy. - Oh, that was very sweet of you.

171. Isn't he a nice man? Isn't he a good man?

172. Yes.

173. Ms. Fine, I think you're becoming far too emotionally attached to this child.

174. Yes, isn't she, little fella?

175. Yes, she is. I think she is.

176. - I think she is. - Well, you look very natural.

177. Been there three times, Ms. Fine.

178. And if my expertise serves me, I think we need changing again.

179. - Excuse us. - Oh, give him to me. I'll take him.

180. - No, no. That's all right. I've got him. - All right. Wait a minute.

181. - Lay him down there. - Lay him down.

182. Yeah, little fella, we're gonna change you.

183. - Make you all dry. - Yeah, good boy. Yeah, good boy.

184. - Good boy— - Well, Ms. Fine, I wouldn't stay there.

185. You never know with little boys.

186. Brighton once shorted a wall clock.

187. - There we go. - Oh, yeah.

188. Well, we know one thing for sure: His mother was not speaking Hebrew.

189. They love when you blow on their tummies.

190. Who doesn't?

191. Who's the handsome fella then, huh?

192. Yes, who's the handsome fella? You know, he reminds me of Brighton.

193. - Heads up! - Heads up!

194. Exactly like Brighton.

195. What did you do?

196. - We'll get you dry. Yes, we will. - Right here. You're a good boy.

197. You know, Ms. Fine, I apologize for blowing up at you earlier.

198. Well, Mr. Sheffield, I apologize for—

199. Actually, I didn't do anything.

200. You're quite right.

201. Come here, little guy. Come here.

202. Oh, honey, would you—? I mean, Mr. Sheffield, put the TV on.

203. They like the background noise.

204. Senator Dole said he hasn't read the bill, but he's 100 percent against it.

205. And in the local news, police are looking for this woman

206. in connection with the mid-morning kidnapping on the subway.

207. Oh, would you look at that nut. And she's running around free.

208. - Oh, my God. Ms. Fine, that's you! - No way.

209. Suspect is said to be 5'7", approximately 105 pounds and in her early 20s.

210. Oh, you're right. It is me.

211. - Ms. Fine! - Well, now, it's obviously a mistake.

212. And it's all my problem. It has nothing to do with you.

213. Suspect is believed to work for this man,

214. renowned Broadway producer, Maxwell Sheffield.

215. All right, that's it. We're going down to the police station.

216. Can't we just call Al Cowlings and drive around for a while first?

217. Wow. This looks just like the police station on Cagney & Lacey.

218. No wonder they had so much crime in that precinct.

219. All you had to do was outrun Tyne Daly.

220. Mr. Sheffield, maybe you should take a number?

221. Ms. Fine, this isn't a bakery.

222. - They don't give numbers. - All right.

223. Sixty-two.

224. Would you go get a number, please.

225. Men, what are you gonna do with them?

226. Well, I'm not gonna shoot them next time.

227. Oh, little Jeremy Matthew, how are you?

228. - What happened to Joshua Elliott? - I got tired of it.

229. I like the name Joshua.

230. - Sixty-three. - Oh, that's us.

231. - Now, may I do the talking, please? - I got us into this, let me.

232. Look, Dick—

233. - Sergeant. - I'm sorry. Sergeant.

234. Dick Sargent, what are the odds?

235. - Ms. Fine... - Oh, all right, you better talk to him.

236. I'm exhausted. I've been taking care of a strange baby all day.

237. Sergeant, this woman, my nanny...

238. Fran Fine, is charged with a crime I can assure you she didn't commit.

239. - Prostitution? - Excuse me.

240. I'm not a hooker.

241. I'm a kidnapper.

242. My lawyer will finally get that house in the south of France he's always wanted.

243. Fran Fine, you're under arrest.

244. Oh, my God.

245. Mr. Sheffield, call Jacoby & Meyers.

246. I want the fat one, not the thin one. He's got an attitude.

247. Or is that Siskel & Ebert?

248. You have the right to remain silent.

249. Obviously, you don't know her very well.

250. Shoes.

251. Hair.

252. Well, height is one thing, but if you think

253. that I'm gonna set one foot on a scale,

254. you might as well just put me into a cell and throw away the key.

255. What next? Because, frankly, I'm feeling very violated.

256. We're going to have to strip-search you.

257. Oh, no.

258. Not until there's a ring on this finger and two tickets to Aruba.

259. Well, I wouldn't want to obstruct justice.

260. - Oh, sir. - Niles, what are you doing here?

261. Well, I was watching America's Most Wanted and, lo and behold...

262. I brought a fresh shirt and your shaving things.

263. Oh, thank you. I don't plan on being here very long.

264. How on earth did you get here with that gay pride parade going on?

265. Oh, I borrowed a poodle and walked.

266. In fact, I got several job offers.

267. What's the difference between a butler and a houseboy?

268. Well, in your case, about 30 years, Niles.

269. Rot in jail, sir.

270. Well, there's one fantasy shot to hell.

271. Niles, didn't you see me fall in that Con Ed ditch?

272. I nearly killed myself.

273. All I saw was a blond woman

274. in an olive overcoat, and then she was gone.

275. Well, what am I wearing?

276. Oh, lookie there.

277. Maxwell, is everything all right?

278. Has she been incarcerated yet? Did I Ms. it?

279. CC, you could show some concern for Ms. Fine.

280. Maxwell, my concern is for you.

281. Before Nanny Fine entered our lives, we

282. never had to step foot in a place like this.

283. CC?

284. Girlfriend!

285. Got you again, huh?

286. You must have me confused with someone else.

287. I've never seen this person in my life.

288. Oh, is that your game? That's cool.

289. Just stay off Second Avenue. Leon's looking for you.

290. Maxwell, I swear.

291. Here you go.

292. How'd you like it, sugar?

293. It was so good, I could do it again and again and again.

294. Maxwell, you can't seriously believe that—

295. I know. Did you go to Bryn Mawr?

296. Ms. Fine, what did they do to you?

297. Oh, it was horrible.

298. Seven women, one toilet, no door.

299. There's Big Bertha doing her business right out there in the open,

300. like she's on Wild Kingdom or something.

301. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm scared. I can't go to prison.

302. I went to the bathroom maybe three times in all of summer camp.

303. I can't hold it in for five-to-twenty.

304. You're going to have to come with me.

305. Oh, I can't believe this is happening.

306. I was just trying to be helpful!

307. This is just like Nikki on The Young and the Restless.

308. - Young and Restless? - Yeah.

309. Nikki Newman Abbott?

310. Yes, yes! Remember?

311. Nikki was accused of stealing Cricket's baby at Jabot Cosmetics.

312. Cricket's?

313. Yes, yes! Only she wasn't stealing the baby.

314. She was just holding it for a woman who was putting on blush.

315. - Mascara. - Oh, yeah, she's right, she's right.

316. And then Cricket thought that the baby was stolen, and Nikki went to jail.

317. And that shower scene was more than we should've seen on daytime!

318. Hold it, hold it! Quiet, quiet!

319. It wasn't Cricket's baby.

320. It was Ashley and Snapper's.

321. Snapper!

322. All right, all right.

323. Considering the circumstances, I guess you're free to go, Ms. Fine.

324. Can I at least say goodbye to the baby?

325. Just wave, Ms. Fine.

326. Bye, Joshy.

327. Oh, that ought to go over big on the playgrounds.

328. Well, I only knew him for a couple of hours,

329. but I'll never forget him.

330. I'll never forget her either. Quick, act like we're together.

331. You know what? I sort of liked having a baby in the house,

332. except I had no idea how much work they were.

333. And they're always making a mess.

334. You know what, Niles,

335. could you bring these upstairs so we can watch TV? Thanks.

336. I have two words for you: Hansel and Gretel.

337. Well, actually, that's three words.

338. Oh, my, would you look at this mess.

339. I'm binging. I'm a little depressed about giving back the baby.

340. Oh, well, sweetie, we had to give him back.

341. He wasn't ours.

342. That's right. He didn't belong to our family.

343. Then why don't you two make a baby?

344. - Take it away, Mr. Sheffield. - Well...

345. I mean, we'd have to be—

346. - You have to be married first. - Oh, right, married.

347. - Has to be an engagement. - I'd want a big ring, a party. Don't ask.

348. Then why don't you two get married?

349. - I took the last one. - Thanks.

350. Well, you have to be in love with the person.

351. - Don't you love Fran? - Yeah. Don't you love Fran?

352. Well, in a nanny-friend-boss type of way.

353. Yeah. And I love your father in a

354. thanks-a-lot-you-British-cold-fish type of way.

355. But you could have a baby and get married if you wanted to.

356. Well, we'd have to be best friends to see if we can live together.

357. Of course, there'd have to be a very strong physical attract—

358. Would you go to bed?

359. Geesh.

360. Kids, huh?

361. Always asking questions.

362. And such vivid imaginations.

363. "Why is the sky blue?"Where's heaven?"

364. "Why don't you and I have a baby?"

365. Meanwhile, I wonder if I'll ever be a mother.

366. Well, there's always the subway, Ms. Fine.

367. Forget it. Next time I bring home a baby,

368. it's gonna be after nine months of swollen ankles

369. and an epidural that could bring down Secretariat.

370. Please, no putting on makeup.

371. What are you gonna do? Charge me with lipstick?

372. Let's not play games. Did you take the baby, Fran?

373. Now, I'd have to be pretty stupid to take a baby

374. when I could've taken the salami.

375. And I'm not stupid.

376. Can I get a little eye contact here?

377. Oh, you got a better chance of seeing Tonya Harding on a box of Wheaties.