The Nanny 2x5

1. Niles, Brighton says my uniform makes me look like a dork.

2. I wear a uniform. Do I look like a dork?

3. Remember what happened to Gretel.

4. I see we've customized our Red Robin uniform.

5. Believe me, you sell more cookies my way.

6. Does anybody know what today is?

7. Another one of your colorful holidays involving plagues?

8. Hey, don't mock the Jewish holidays.

9. They get you out of more school than mono.

10. No. One year ago today was the day that Danny dumped me for Heather Biblow,

11. which would make one year ago tomorrow

12. the day that Heather found Nair in her Pert Plus.

13. Which would make Friday the day that she bought her first Eva Gabor wig.

14. Grab the wheel, Miss Fine, you're swerving.

15. Sorry. Which would make Saturday the first anniversary

16. of the day that I started to work here.

17. Oh, it seems like only yesterday when you called the Orkin Man

18. when I served escargot.

19. I don't care how rich you are,

20. you don't eat something that leaves a trail of slime behind it.

21. Oh, don't you look adorable in that uniform.

22. - Oh, Mr. Sheffield. - I was talking to Grace, Miss Fine.

23. But you do look—

24. Well, I know Red Robins are always prepared, but for what?

25. You're just gonna have to earn a merit badge to find out.

26. It was very sweet of you to volunteer to be Grace's troop mother, Miss Fine.

27. Oh, my pleasure. That's the last time I ever scratch my armpit in public.

28. Miss Fine, will you be free Saturday night?

29. Saturday? Why?

30. I'd rather not discuss it. I just want to be sure you can be here.

31. I'm all yours, and I have been for a year.

32. I can't believe he remembered. Is he a doll or what?

33. You know, if he asks, I don't expect anything. Size 5.

34. I have never felt so wanted or appreciated.

35. Bloomingdale's, third floor.

36. I just hope he doesn't go overboard. Diamonds are forever.

37. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

38. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

39. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

40. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

41. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

42. She had style, she had flair She was there

43. That's how she became the Nanny

44. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

45. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

46. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

47. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

48. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

49. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

50. Okay, Red Robins, now survival tips.

51. Listen closely, 'cause the proper knot can save your life.

52. You're in the woods, you look around.

53. All of a sudden, you squish a bug right here.

54. - Gross! - Disgusting!

55. Well, the proper slipknot not only can conceal those unwanted bug guts,

56. but it also creates a flattering neckline and gives the illusion of cleavage.

57. You're a born leader, Miss Fine.

58. Well, you know, I was leader of my Weight Watchers group.

59. - You had a weight problem? - Yeah. I once woke up

60. with a Milky Way in my mouth. I still don't know how it got there.

61. - Where you going? - Down to Macy's,

62. to buy a present for— Someone. Not you.

63. Yeah, for my friend...

64. - Mark. - Oh, Mark. What are you getting him?

65. Chanel No. 5.

66. Well, perhaps Mark would enjoy a lighter, more floral scent.

67. Jean Naté, L'Air du Temps.

68. It's the thought that counts. Take your father's credit card.

69. Okay, ladies. Now, today's field trip,

70. we're going to my grandma's retirement home,

71. and you're each going to adopt your very own grandma.

72. - What's the pink tissue for? - Oh, give that to your grandma.

73. It makes a lovely wrist and brassiere strap ornament.

74. Nanny Fine, you are not going to make those decrepit old ladies feel any younger

75. by bringing in these vibrant, wrinkle-free girls.

76. This is not Cocoon.

77. Well, how would you feel if you were alone and forgotten without any friends?

78. Oh, bad example.

79. I know when I'm old I'd rather be in a dark room with the drapes drawn,

80. the mirrors covered, and a really big bottle of NyQuil.

81. Not me. I'm gonna be a platinum-blond prune down in Miami

82. just pulling up my tube top and cha-cha-cha-ing with the cabana boys.

83. I'd rather die young.

84. And we're all pulling for you.

85. We don't go young in my family. No, we Fines like to linger

86. and be a burden to others for as long as possible.

87. Okay, Red Robins. Now, remember your manners.

88. No loud noises and whatever you do, don't unplug anything.

89. Cupcakes, tissues? Okay, go find your grandmas

90. and introduce yourselves.

91. Hi, Grandma Yetta.

92. Boy, are you a big Robin. What, were you left back?

93. Yetta, it's Fran.

94. Fran? Where's Kukla and Ollie?

95. Yetta, if you're gonna live in the past, pick the Renaissance.

96. Why didn't you sign up for a Red Robin like everybody else?

97. I'm not a joiner.

98. Look at them. Staring at Jeopardy!

99. like they know European Monarchs for 500.

100. Most of them can't remember their room number.

101. Gracie, honey, why aren't you talking to your new grandma?

102. Mrs. Cramer wasn't in her room. They said she checked out.

103. Maybe she moved to Florida.

104. No. They said she bought a farm.

105. Farm? The woman couldn't grow a wart.

106. Well, maybe she was going to the well to kick the bucket.

107. Oh. You don't have to paint me a picture.

108. Gracie, sweetie, the grandma that was assigned to you passed away.

109. Can I eat her cupcake?

110. Sure, sweetie. Kids are so resilient.

111. Honey, I'm so sorry. You were definitely supposed to get a live one.

112. Fran, Cramer's room was on a corner.

113. That's cross ventilation, Yetta.

114. Has anyone moved in yet?

115. - Bye. - Bye-bye.

116. Bye, my beautiful Red Robins.

117. Fly. Fly.

118. Fly... the hell out of here.

119. I am guessing the field trip was less than a total success,

120. considering there was a body count.

121. Fran, I don't wanna be a Red Robin anymore.

122. Oh, come on, honey.

123. One old lady dies on you and you're already turned off

124. to the whole Red Robin experience?

125. I'll get it! Sit down and relax.

126. - We'll watch Court TV. - Who's on?

127. The Menendez boys. They're back for a second season.

128. Hello, I'm Mrs. Livingston, Heather's mother.

129. Oh, come in.

130. Is that Heather with the freckles or Heather with the extra pinkie?

131. It's a real treat watching her sip tea.

132. Miss Fine, this is a little awkward.

133. We're making a change in our domestic staff

134. and the kids all say such great things about the Sheffield home.

135. Well, in the short year that I've been here,

136. I have added a certain element of style and panache to this house.

137. When did I eat corn?

138. - Miss Fine, let me finish. - No. It's very flattering,

139. but I can't even consider it. Even if you doubled my salary

140. and offered me an Eldorado, in the Bill Blass color scheme...

141. I'd have to turn you down. Who'd pay the insurance?

142. Not you, Miss Fine. Niles.

143. Niles would pay my insurance?

144. No, we want Niles.

145. Could you just find out for us if he's happy here?

146. Well, what is it, that fancy English accent?

147. 'Cause, you know, if I wanted to I could talk with an accent too.

148. What was wrong with the blouse I picked out for Fran?

149. Oh, no. It was cheap and incredibly tacky.

150. - You could see right through it. - And what's the downside of that?

151. I wanna get her something she doesn't already have.

152. Hi, kids.

153. Fran, if you were...

154. - Mark? - Yeah.

155. - Mark. - Mark.

156. Would you like a pair of earrings?

157. Oh, I think Mark would love the earrings.

158. Just make sure they're clip-ons.

159. Mark doesn't have pierced ears?

160. No, his lobes are too fatty. It runs in his family.

161. Mr. Sheffield, I hope I'm not bothering you,

162. like you're talking to some caterer about something. Shrimp cocktail, rumaki.

163. Miss Fine, we're in a crunch here.

164. Do you have anything to say that's even remotely comprehensible?

165. Oh, all right, all right. But I did wanna tell you this in private.

166. Follow my eyes?

167. What, you don't wanna talk in front of the lamp?

168. What? Oh, Niles. Oh, you can speak freely in front of him.

169. - We have no secrets in this house. - That's because he listens at the door.

170. How else would I hear you scratching to get back in?

171. Well, someone is trying to hire away

172. one of your most valued domestic employees.

173. - Niles. - Well, I didn't say that, but yeah, Niles.

174. How'd you guess?

175. Well, scarcely a day goes by

176. when I don't get a telephone call requesting Niles.

177. An employee of his skills and breeding is always in demand.

178. I'm hot.

179. Well, next time you get one of those calls for me

180. you just tell them I'm not interested.

181. Will do, Miss Fine.

182. - What's so funny? - Oh, nothing.

183. - No one ever calls for me? - Well, actually, there was one.

184. - See? - Your mother.

185. Clairol's Loving Care gives better coverage.

186. What's she telling me that for?

187. - Nanny Fine, I don't wanna be rude— - Since when?

188. You're right. Get out. We need to talk about Saturday night.

189. - What time do you want me here? - She's coming?

190. Oh, we're gonna have to talk about this guest list.

191. Of course Miss Babcock's coming. She made all the arrangements.

192. Oh, boy, did I have you pegged all wrong.

193. Isn't it the people you hate on sight that become your lifelong friends.

194. Not always.

195. Maxwell, the limousine will pick us up at the airport in Washington.

196. - Washington? - Yes. Well, you may as well know.

197. The Center for Performing Arts has nominated us for its highest award.

198. Is that what you wanted me for on Saturday night? To babysit?

199. No. We wanted you to fly the jet.

200. Miss Fine, I didn't say anything to you before about the nomination

201. because it's bad luck, you know.

202. We've been overlooked so many times before.

203. You've been overlooked?

204. Is there a problem? Do you have plans Saturday night?

205. Yeah, I'm gonna heat up a Lean Cuisine

206. and see what kind of frontier meshugaas Dr. Quinn has gotten herself into.

207. Gracie, you're gonna love your new grandma, Mrs. Klein.

208. Now, do you remember what I told you to ask her?

209. Is she related to Calvin, and can we get a discount?

210. - Excellent. - Good morning.

211. And how are you two ladies doing today?

212. - Fine, Daddy. - I've been better.

213. - Is everything all right, Miss Fine? - Oh, whatever.

214. Miss Fine, is there something bothering you?

215. No, what could possibly be bothering me? I'm a fool and a laughingstock.

216. - I beg your pardon? - Nothing.

217. Miss Fine, you've barely spoken a word to me in 12 hours.

218. It's beginning to scare me.

219. I have no idea what you're talking about. I invited my mother.

220. I'll never hear the end of it. Come on, Gracie.

221. Miss Fine, you are not leaving this house until I know why you're so upset with me.

222. I'm not upset with you. You're the best boss anyone could possibly ask for.

223. Eat tripe and die.

224. Now, Gracie, I had Mrs. Klein thoroughly checked out.

225. She's cute, she's sweet, and she's healthy as a horse.

226. You know, she holds the retirement home record

227. for most reps on the thigh burner: one.

228. Oh, Grandma Yetta.

229. We're here to introduce Gracie to her new grandma, Mrs. Klein.

230. Oh, yeah? Well, if you wanna talk to her you're gonna need a Ouija board.

231. She never should've gone for that second rep.

232. Another one?

233. What if it's me? What if I'm a jinx?

234. Oh, no, honey. Now, that is just ridiculous.

235. There's no such thing.

236. People here are old and sick.

237. They can go at any time, in the next minute.

238. Would you go cheer somebody else up?

239. Sweetie, you're an adorable little girl

240. and anyone would love to be your grandma. Right?

241. You're not a jinx, and just to prove it to you

242. I'm gonna give you my very own grandma.

243. Yetta.

244. Damn crepe soles stick like gum.

245. Honey, I'd love to be your grandma.

246. I've lived a good life.

247. So then she said that Heather was a liar,

248. so then Heather said—

249. No, wait. Oh, yeah. No, wait. Oh, yeah.

250. Let me start again.

251. See, honey, you're not a jinx because I'm not dead.

252. And I wish I was.

253. Honey, why don't we play some hide-and-go-seek.

254. - Okay. I'll hide. - Good choice, sweetie.

255. - So, what's the matter? - Who said anything was the matter?

256. Franny, I know you like the back of my hand.

257. Jeez, I never noticed that before.

258. So, anyway, what is it? Man trouble?

259. How could he not know what's bothering me?

260. I know, it's because I'm like all the Fine women.

261. We're just too damn subtle.

262. It's a waste of time talking to men.

263. First of all, they aren't that interesting.

264. Sixty-two years I was married to your grandfather,

265. we didn't say two words.

266. The man had no communication skills.

267. That's true. If only he'd been able to say,

268. "I'm choking on a chicken bone," he'd be alive today.

269. So, what is it? Your sex life stinks?

270. Grandma, he doesn't sleep with me.

271. - Not even on your birthday? - No.

272. That's a bad marriage.

273. We're not married.

274. Look at me, I'm hanging on every word like I'm talking to Yoda.

275. May I help you, sir?

276. That's all right, Niles. I'm just counting forward 28 days

277. from the last time Miss Fine seemed to hate my guts

278. for no apparent reason.

279. No, that will be next week.

280. Something to look forward to, sir.

281. C.C., maybe you can shed some light on this.

282. - I mean, you're a woman. - I'm still waiting for the DNA results.

283. You men just don't get it. She doesn't hate you. It's her life.

284. She doesn't have a boyfriend. She has a dead-end job with no prospects.

285. She's working for a man who hardly knows she's alive.

286. Her own dog hates her.

287. A blind date stole her stereo.

288. Who was I talking about again?

289. Think back, sir. One year ago today someone's spike heel

290. dug its first divot into the parquet floor.

291. I thought you were gonna get that fixed.

292. Come closer.

293. One year to the day since we first learned,

294. "If it ain't half off, it ain't on sale."

295. Would you just get to the point, old man?

296. Work with me, sir.

297. It's her anniversary.

298. Oh, Niles, don't be preposterous.

299. You've been working here forever.

300. I haven't the faintest idea when you started.

301. You don't go off all half-cocked.

302. I keep the hurt inside, sir.

303. You also forget my birthday.

304. I suppose that's all right too.

305. Come on, Niles. Are you seriously telling me that Miss Fine

306. is the type of person to hold it over my head just because I simp—

307. Oh, God, is it too late to send flowers?

308. Maxwell, have you lost your mind?

309. She is the nanny.

310. I have been your partner for ten years and we've never celebrated a damn thing.

311. Get it?

312. Perhaps I can pick something up at Bloomingdale's.

313. Maxwell, we have to get to the airport.

314. You are not gonna miss this ceremony.

315. I can't walk down the aisle alone.

316. I say prepare for the inevitable.

317. Kids, hurry up! Your father's on, and he won!

318. I hope his fly is open.

319. Oh, doesn't Daddy look handsome?

320. No Pierce Brosnan.

321. Oh, there's C.C.

322. Oh, my, the camera does put on ten pounds.

323. It just doesn't distribute it.

324. I'd like to thank the Center for the Performing Arts

325. for this most gracious recognition.

326. I'd like to thank my three wonderful children,

327. and a very special thanks to the woman without whose help

328. I wouldn't be here tonight: Miss Fran Fine.

329. Happy anniversary, Miss Fine.

330. C.C. fainted.

331. Oh, my God.

332. And that, ladies, is why you must always wear your underwear.

333. - Oh, congratulations, sir. - Thank you.

334. Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

335. that was so sweet of you to mention my anniversary.

336. But, you know, you really didn't have to.

337. I mean, those things aren't important to me.

338. Well, they are important to me.

339. It's been a marvelous year, Miss Fine. And you are a wonderful nanny.

340. - And I'm sorry if I don't say it enough. - Oh, well, if I'm so wonderful,

341. how come nobody wants to hire me away?

342. Oh, well, that? Well, there's a very simple explanation to that.

343. As a matter of fact, it's so simple

344. that explaining it to you would really be rather insulting.

345. Go ahead.

346. Well, the reason that you haven't had

347. any other job offers is simply because...

348. Niles, is there any more tea?

349. I'll go to China and see.

350. Hi.

351. Well, just look at you, Miss Fine.

352. I mean, I am a single father,

353. but what married woman in her right mind would want someone as attractive as you

354. in her home right under her husband's nose?

355. Well, now that you mention it...

356. Well, when you're right, you're right.

357. - Good night, Mr. Sheffield, Niles. - Good night, Miss Fine.

358. - Nice save, sir. - Thanks, Niles.

359. I came up with that at the last minute.

360. I heard that.

361. Brighton!