1. My teacher told us
about the comet that hit Jupiter.Copy !req
2. It exploded like a million atom bombs.Copy !req
3. That couldn't happen to earth...Copy !req
4. could it?Copy !req
5. Didn't you hear?Copy !req
6. Well, next year around your birthday...Copy !req
7. this giant comet will obliterate us.Copy !req
8. Why do you think we're living like this?Copy !req
9. Dad's spending all his money because...Copy !req
10. we're all gonna die.Copy !req
11. Hello, sweetheart.Copy !req
12. Your sister's in good voice today.
How's it going?Copy !req
13. Same old, same old.Copy !req
14. Ma, get out of the taxi.Copy !req
15. It's a spring in the dog's neck.Copy !req
16. What are you so fascinated about?Copy !req
17. Leave me alone.
I like to sing along in the theater.Copy !req
18. Ma, it wasn't a musical!Copy !req
19. You should have seen her
in Schindler's List.Copy !req
20. She was snapping her fingers
and singing away, "Papa, Can You Hear Me?"Copy !req
21. Meanwhile, the show in my head
was better than that crap we just saw.Copy !req
22. - So how was the theater, ladies?
- Wonderful!Copy !req
23. - Thank you for the tickets.
- Meanwhile, my feet are killing me.Copy !req
24. Ma, those aren't your shoes.Copy !req
25. I kicked off my shoes in the theater.Copy !req
26. These must be
the lady's sitting next to me.Copy !req
27. And you just put them on?
You don't even look down?Copy !req
28. Sweetheart, I haven't seen
my feet in 20 years.Copy !req
29. Whose raincoat is this?Copy !req
30. I'll tell you, it's a miracle
that we got to BlimpiesCopy !req
31. without them throwing a net over us.Copy !req
32. Come here, son. Give Grandma a hug.Copy !req
33. Harder.Copy !req
34. Squeeze me.Copy !req
35. All right, Yetta, okay.
You should've seen her at Chippendales.Copy !req
36. Her entire social security check
went down a G-string.Copy !req
37. Well, as lucrative as that sounds,
I really have to get back to work.Copy !req
38. Hi, kids. Look who I brought home with me.Copy !req
39. Ma, and you remember Grandma Yetta?Copy !req
40. - Hi.
- My little pitseleh.Copy !req
41. They're all their father.
They got nothing from you.Copy !req
42. Ma, these are not Fran's children.Copy !req
43. Fran doesn't have any children.
She's not married! She's all alone!Copy !req
44. Louder, Ma, I don't think
they heard you in Uruguay!Copy !req
45. More importantly, why doesn't anyone
ever eat these fruits?Copy !req
46. Because they're wax!Copy !req
47. Even the grapes?Copy !req
48. Fran, she's gonna drive me
to the loony bin.Copy !req
49. I got news for you, Ma,
you're already there.Copy !req
50. - You guys argue a lot.
- No, we don't, honey.Copy !req
51. It's just we're all so very different.Copy !req
52. It's hard to believe
we're from the same family.Copy !req
53. Wait a minute, Ma.
You got a little schmutz over there.Copy !req
54. Hold on. You got some mascara.Copy !req
55. Hold it. Whose purse is this?Copy !req
56. - Let me see that.
- Boy, today's your lucky day, Ma.Copy !req
57. The purse matches the shoes.Copy !req
58. Okay, kids, get ready for supper.
Say goodbye.Copy !req
59. - All right. Bye, everyone.
- Goodbye, my darling.Copy !req
60. Nice kids. Meanwhile,
they don't say two words?Copy !req
61. - Who could get two words in with you?
- Ma, don't wind me up.Copy !req
62. Don't hit Nana. What are you, an animal?Copy !req
63. Don't talk to your mother like that.Copy !req
64. Well, all good things must come to an end.Copy !req
65. Bye, Ma. Bye, Grandma Yetta.Copy !req
66. We'll go to the theater again soon.Copy !req
67. Maybe next time you could pick up a hat.Copy !req
68. - Didn't you tell her?
- What?Copy !req
69. Sweetheart, they're tenting
the retirement home for termites.Copy !req
70. Fun. So you're gonna go stay with Ma?Copy !req
71. Sorta.Copy !req
72. Sorta like ultra suede
is sorta washable?Copy !req
73. Or sorta
like you're sorta a size eight?Copy !req
74. - Well, I am in the United Kingdom.
- Ma.Copy !req
75. No. Sorta like
maybe she could sorta stay with you?Copy !req
76. Here? Ma, why can't she stay
at your place?Copy !req
77. No. I don't wanna be a burden on family.Copy !req
78. These people I don't know.Copy !req
79. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, QueensCopy !req
80. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenesCopy !req
81. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fannyCopy !req
82. So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' doorCopy !req
83. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw moreCopy !req
84. She had style, she had flair
She was thereCopy !req
85. That's how she became the NannyCopy !req
86. Who would have guessed
That the girl we describedCopy !req
87. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?Copy !req
88. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.Copy !req
89. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!Copy !req
90. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tanCopy !req
91. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named FranCopy !req
92. Maxwell, have I ever told you how much
I love working out of the house?Copy !req
93. I feel I belong here.Copy !req
94. And the children
are really warming up to me.Copy !req
95. Hello.Copy !req
96. No, there's no Maggie here.
You have the wrong number.Copy !req
97. Excuse me, C.C. My daughter, Maggie?Copy !req
98. Hello.Copy !req
99. Greg, listen, you do know
Maggie has her own line, don't you?Copy !req
100. Yeah, well, that's quite all right.Copy !req
101. Well, I'm very glad you like her.Copy !req
102. Yeah, and I'm thrilled
she drives you crazy.Copy !req
103. Yeah, keep going, Greg,
and you'll never see her again.Copy !req
104. Goodbye, Greg.Copy !req
105. Knock, knock.Copy !req
106. Yes, Miss Fine, what is it?Copy !req
107. Mr. Sheffield, you just gotta
indulge me here a minute.Copy !req
108. You're not gonna believe this.Copy !req
109. My grandmother's retirement home
is infested with termites,Copy !req
110. and my mother came up
with the bright idea...Copy !req
111. get ready for a lulu,Copy !req
112. that she should come stay here with us.Copy !req
113. I know. I know.Copy !req
114. She's a borderline klepto.Copy !req
115. We wouldn't have
a candy dish left in the house.Copy !req
116. Well, I'll go tell my mother
that she's nuts.Copy !req
117. Well, at least we know where she gets it.Copy !req
118. Well, you know, Miss Fine,Copy !req
119. sometimes you feel like a nut,
sometimes you don't.Copy !req
120. What's so funny,
poking fun at a little old lady?Copy !req
121. What's that, that British humor
that nobody gets?Copy !req
122. Well, Miss Fine, you just said yourself
she was a klepto.Copy !req
123. Yeah, well, I'm allowed. She's my klepto.Copy !req
124. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you,
but can't she stay with your mother?Copy !req
125. No. The big cats can't share a cage.Copy !req
126. Don't back down, Maxwell. We don't need
some old crone running around the house.Copy !req
127. Yes. We are crone heavy, sir.Copy !req
128. Although with two, we'd have a set.Copy !req
129. Never mind, Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
130. I'll just take her
to one of those 24-hour markets,Copy !req
131. let her squeeze fruit
for a couple of days.Copy !req
132. All right, look, Miss Fine.
I'll put her up at the St. Regis Hotel.Copy !req
133. How's that? She'll have room service,
everything, fit for a queen.Copy !req
134. You can't insult family like that.Copy !req
135. Me you can send, I got thick skin.Copy !req
136. Besides,
I think that it's good for childrenCopy !req
137. to spend time with their grandmother.Copy !req
138. She's not their grandmother.Copy !req
139. All right. You tell her.Copy !req
140. She stays alone like a dog in that home.Copy !req
141. Fine. Let her stay.Copy !req
142. As a matter of fact, I want her to stay.Copy !req
143. She can have the master bedroom.Copy !req
144. Oh, no.Copy !req
145. With that marble tub?Copy !req
146. She'll slip, break her hip,
you'll have a lawsuit on your hands.Copy !req
147. Miss Fine!Copy !req
148. Thank you, Mr. Sheffield,
thank you so much.Copy !req
149. And I promise you won't even know
that she's here.Copy !req
150. Franny, can I sit outside in my brassiere?Copy !req
151. Will anyone see?Copy !req
152. Miss Fine, are you aware of this?Copy !req
153. Yeah, Body Heat with William Hurt
and Kathleen Turner,Copy !req
154. before her little side trip
to Pepperidge Farm.Copy !req
155. Maggie is only 15 years old.Copy !req
156. She's much too young
to be watching movies this racy.Copy !req
157. You call this racy?Copy !req
158. You obviously never saw
The Postman Always Rings Twice.Copy !req
159. When he cleared that table...Copy !req
160. Where is she anyway?Copy !req
161. I mean, is she coming back from this date,
or has she just moved out?Copy !req
162. - Relax. She's been back for an hour.
- Really? I didn't hear her come in.Copy !req
163. Well, I didn't say she came in.Copy !req
164. Leave them alone! Leave them alone!Copy !req
165. What are they doing?Copy !req
166. Nothing, nothing,
all four hands are visible.Copy !req
167. One, two, three...Copy !req
168. Here comes four! Here comes four.Copy !req
169. How much time does he need?Copy !req
170. They just went on a date.
He's not leaving for Crimean war.Copy !req
171. Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
172. Hello, children. Goodbye, Greg!Copy !req
173. I can't believe you did that.Copy !req
174. I have never been so embarrassed
in my life.Copy !req
175. Really? Not even when you were watching
Body Heat?Copy !req
176. You went in my room?
Have you ever heard of privacy?Copy !req
177. How would you like it
if I went through your stuff?Copy !req
178. Don't bother. He locks everything.Copy !req
179. I don't ever want you seeing
that boy again.Copy !req
180. - You can't stop me.
- Watch this. You're grounded.Copy !req
181. - I hate you!
- Well, that's tough.Copy !req
182. You forgot to stick your tongue out.Copy !req
183. Well, you might've backed me up a little.Copy !req
184. Me? The Pips couldn't back you up.Copy !req
185. What's all the commotion?Copy !req
186. He went through my things.Copy !req
187. Honey, I know just how you feel.Copy !req
188. At the home, they ransack your room
two, three times a month looking for cake.Copy !req
189. Come, we'll talk.Copy !req
190. Don't fight in front of the kids!Copy !req
191. See how sensitive Yetta is.
She'll be a great influence on Maggie.Copy !req
192. You want a cigarette?Copy !req
193. Good morning, Niles.Copy !req
194. What's the matter with you?Copy !req
195. It's very disturbing to see
Mr. Sheffield and Miss Margaret fight.Copy !req
196. That was a fight?
"I hate you,"Who cares," and now...Copy !req
197. In my house, the fight ain't over
until the fat lady grabs the Ginsu,Copy !req
198. and says, "Here, cut my heart out."Copy !req
199. Well, we never say a cross word
in our family.Copy !req
200. We just die very early of colon disorders.Copy !req
201. - Morning, everyone.
- Good morning.Copy !req
202. Niles, tea.Copy !req
203. What on earth is that?Copy !req
204. Grandma Yetta says this tea bag
still has seven cups left in it.Copy !req
205. My Bubba Yetta
doesn't like to waste anything.Copy !req
206. If food is moldy, it's a vaccine.Copy !req
207. Come on, lighten up.Copy !req
208. You gonna be this way
when Maggie comes down?Copy !req
209. If I'd ever talked to my father
the way she talked to me,Copy !req
210. I'd have been throttled within an inch
of my life and thrown in the root cellar.Copy !req
211. Why do you have to always take me
to Oliver Twist land?Copy !req
212. Do you know how many times
I told my father I hated him?Copy !req
213. And how did he react?Copy !req
214. Who the hell knows?
He couldn't hear a damn thingCopy !req
215. over that Bonanza theme
blasting in the background.Copy !req
216. Good morning, Margaret.Copy !req
217. Daddy, I'm sorry I said I hated you.Copy !req
218. Bubba Yetta says you only have one father,
and she's right.Copy !req
219. Well, I'm sorry too.Copy !req
220. And you were gonna tell her
that she's not grounded anymore.Copy !req
221. You almost forgot that part.Copy !req
222. Yes, I was going to say that.
What she said.Copy !req
223. Well, Miss Fine,
seems I underestimated your booby.Copy !req
224. That's bubby.Copy !req
225. No one's ever underestimated my booby.Copy !req
226. You know, Dad, it's a real pretty day.Copy !req
227. Greg asked if I could go on a picnic.
May I?Copy !req
228. Well, Margaret, I don't think—Copy !req
229. That sounds like a good idea.Copy !req
230. So long as you're back by 6:00—
7:00— 8:00.Copy !req
231. Thanks, guys.Copy !req
232. Have a wonderful time,
and don't do anything that I forgot I did.Copy !req
233. Don't worry.
I had a long conversation with Yetta.Copy !req
234. Good.Copy !req
235. You know, Yetta turned out
to be pretty cool.Copy !req
236. Look, she gave me 100 bucks
for my bar mitzvah.Copy !req
237. Of course, she also thinks my name
is Smuey.Copy !req
238. - Something smells.
- Just eat it.Copy !req
239. No, like something's burning.Copy !req
240. Yeah, seems to be coming from upstairs.Copy !req
241. Oh, my God. Yetta!Copy !req
242. I can't believe
she would be smoking in bed,Copy !req
243. not after that Circle Seven motel
went up in—Copy !req
244. - Never mind.
- Yetta, Yetta!Copy !req
245. Stand back.Copy !req
246. Well, I was right. She was smoking.Copy !req
247. Oh, my God! Yetta!Copy !req
248. What a coincidence.Copy !req
249. Saul said the same thing
not ten minutes ago.Copy !req
250. - What the devil's burning?
- Oh, God.Copy !req
251. Saul, I ruined your bagel.Copy !req
252. Oh, no, no.Copy !req
253. You could just scrape off the top.
It's still good.Copy !req
254. Miss Fine.Copy !req
255. What did you do with all the cream cheese?Copy !req
256. Thank you, Miss Fine.Copy !req
257. Thank you for bringing this influence
into my home.Copy !req
258. Well, you know, Mr. Sheffield,Copy !req
259. it's really kind of sweet
if you think about it!Copy !req
260. Are you out of your mind?Copy !req
261. This is the Sheffield home.Copy !req
262. No one ever has sex in this house!Copy !req
263. This is the woman you let give my daughter
advice about sex?Copy !req
264. Well, at least you know
the advice was current.Copy !req
265. Margaret!Copy !req
266. Miss Margaret just left, sir.Copy !req
267. Good morning, Miss Rosenberg, Mr. Kanazal.Copy !req
268. What? You knew about this?Copy !req
269. Yes. My room is directly beneath theirs.Copy !req
270. Bravo.Copy !req
271. I just can't believe I gave Maggie
permission to go.Copy !req
272. - She's just a little girl.
- Well, now, don't get all upset.Copy !req
273. We don't know what Yetta told her.Copy !req
274. - Told who?
- Maggie!Copy !req
275. I told her we could all die tomorrow.
Go for it!Copy !req
276. Go for it?Copy !req
277. All right, now you could be upset.Copy !req
278. I hold you
completely responsible for this.Copy !req
279. - Why? What did I do?
- She's your grandmother.Copy !req
280. We don't know that for sure.Copy !req
281. Some woman comes walking out of EuropeCopy !req
282. with a dining room table
strapped to her back.Copy !req
283. She could be anybody's relative.Copy !req
284. What?Copy !req
285. Good night, Niles.Copy !req
286. It is now.Copy !req
287. Niles. Dear, sweet, pompous Niles.Copy !req
288. Maxwell and Nanny Fine are on the outs,Copy !req
289. and there is nothing you can say
to ruin this glorious feeling I have.Copy !req
290. You wanna bet?Copy !req
291. Grandma Yetta, aged 80...Copy !req
292. living in a home...Copy !req
293. got a heap of good loving last night.Copy !req
294. And you?Copy !req
295. I hate my life!Copy !req
296. Thank you!Copy !req
297. - Niles.
- The coast is clear, Miss Fine.Copy !req
298. Oh, boy, here she is now.
Devil with the blue hair on.Copy !req
299. - What? What? What?
- Franny...Copy !req
300. you left your wallet
right on top of your dresser.Copy !req
301. So?Copy !req
302. Thank you.Copy !req
303. Franny, I know it's none of my business...Copy !req
304. but it might help your marriageCopy !req
305. if you got rid of that blond
your husband's always hanging around with.Copy !req
306. I don't know if you noticed,
but your kids are blond.Copy !req
307. They're not my kids! He's not my husband!Copy !req
308. She couldn't have spaced out
like this with Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
309. No, with him, she could recall things
from the womb.Copy !req
310. All I'm saying is a blond like thatCopy !req
311. with big shoulder pads
dragged off your grandfather.Copy !req
312. That was a Cossack!Copy !req
313. - Hi, Grandma Yetta.
- Come here, angel puss.Copy !req
314. So, how was your day?Copy !req
315. Great. I'm not worried
about the end of the world.Copy !req
316. I'm gonna live life to the fullest.Copy !req
317. Attagirl. What did I tell you?Copy !req
318. Go for it.Copy !req
319. Go for it?Copy !req
320. I thought you told that to Maggie.Copy !req
321. That's not Maggie?Copy !req
322. No, that's Grace.Copy !req
323. Now I'm confused.Copy !req
324. Grace is the little one,
Smuey is the boy...Copy !req
325. and the tall one is Maggie.Copy !req
326. Hot pants?Copy !req
327. - Yeah.
- Tell her to "go for it"?Copy !req
328. What am I, senile? Your husband
would throw me out of the house.Copy !req
329. Mr. Sheffield, here you are.Copy !req
330. What are you doing out here?
Waiting for Maggie?Copy !req
331. No. I just have a game of stoop ball
in five minutes.Copy !req
332. - Where is she?
- Well, I've got good news for you.Copy !req
333. Remember when we thoughtCopy !req
334. that Grandma Yetta
told her to go for it with Greg?Copy !req
335. - Yeah.
- Well, we were wrong.Copy !req
336. - Thank God.
- She told Gracie.Copy !req
337. Much better. She's only seven.Copy !req
338. And here I thought the woman was a kook.Copy !req
339. Any event, Margaret still isn't home.Copy !req
340. Well, you know, it was a picnic.Copy !req
341. These things have to go at their own flow.
You have to eat.Copy !req
342. Then my mother always says
you have to wait an hourCopy !req
343. before you do strenuous physical activity.Copy !req
344. Like Frisbee.Copy !req
345. Please, Miss Fine,
I'm just not in the mood.Copy !req
346. No man's ever said that to me before.Copy !req
347. Although I'm sure Lisa Marie
is getting an ear full of it.Copy !req
348. Come on, Mr. Sheffield, has Maggie
given you a reason not to trust her?Copy !req
349. Yes. And they all coincided
with your arrival.Copy !req
350. Suddenly she wants to go kissing boysCopy !req
351. and going off to parties
and concerts and things.Copy !req
352. Who does she think she is? A teenage girl?Copy !req
353. Miss Fine, I'm her father.
I just want to protect her.Copy !req
354. I know, but sometimesCopy !req
355. you're just gonna have to sit
on your hands and let them grow up.Copy !req
356. What if she grows up wrong?Copy !req
357. Well, you've still got Smuey
and the little one.Copy !req
358. Come on, Mr. Sheffield.
Don't be her enemy.Copy !req
359. Oh, no, of course not.
That's the last thing I want to do.Copy !req
360. - Thanks, Greg.
- She's home.Copy !req
361. - How long does it take a picnic—
- Now, now, now, you see?Copy !req
362. You're getting all wound up again.Copy !req
363. Just calm down. Don't let her think
that you were worried.Copy !req
364. In fact, why don't you go upstairs.
Go ahead.Copy !req
365. - But I—
- I'll be up in a minute.Copy !req
366. Trust is a good thing.
Trust is character building.Copy !req
367. Go ahead. I'll take care of everything.Copy !req
368. Everything's fine.Copy !req
369. Where the hell have you been?
Do you know what time it is?Copy !req
370. Your father was so worried,
I had to send him to bed!Copy !req
371. Fran, we didn't do anything.
Greg and I decided to cool it.Copy !req
372. Why? I mean, good.Copy !req
373. I'm just not ready yet.Copy !req
374. Besides, you think I'd get into serious
stuff without talking to you first?Copy !req
375. Well, I thought you talked to Yetta.Copy !req
376. Yetta? Please.Copy !req
377. I zoned out somewhere around "buying a cow
when you can get the milk for free."Copy !req
378. Yep, yep. That sounds like her.Copy !req
379. Well, it should take you a long while
to get that image out of your head.Copy !req
380. And in the meantime,
let me tell you somethingCopy !req
381. that's a little more hip
and a little more happening.Copy !req
382. Don't do a thing
if you ain't got that ring.Copy !req
383. I just love that Mike Myers
doing that coffee talk thing.Copy !req
384. That farklempt lady is so funny.Copy !req
385. Oh, please. Who talks like that?Copy !req
386. And that big hair.Copy !req
387. I think it's very stereotypical.Copy !req