1. Niles, look at the cake that I got
for my friend Mona's retirement party.
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2. - Oh, it's beautiful.
- It's plaster of Paris.
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3. Why would anyone buy a fake cake?
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4. Well because, you know,
I'm gonna take it out of the box,
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5. they're all gonna "ooh" and "ah"
and then say, "Not for me. I'm on a diet."
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6. This way, I can use it again.
Plus I can carry it on the bus like this.
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7. Is Mona excited about her retirement?
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8. Oh, I'm sure she's thrilled
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9. after all those years killing herself,
working as a nanny.
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10. Believe me, there's a lot of pressure
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11. being responsible for the lives
of other people's children.
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12. - Fran, where's Brighton?
- I don't know.
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13. Well, you do know
there's a piece broken off the side?
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14. Oh, I know.
I had it at my mother's not ten minutes.
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15. She said, "It's dry, but if you
dunk it in Sanka, it's delish."
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16. Niles, I seem to be
fresh out of clean handkerchiefs again.
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17. You know Mr. Sheffield, my mother
has a cold remedy that never fails.
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18. Niles, next time you cut up a chicken,
save the feet.
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19. Actually, I'm beginning
to feel a lot better.
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20. See? Never fails.
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21. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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22. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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23. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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24. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's' door
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25. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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26. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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27. That's how she became the Nanny
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28. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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29. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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30. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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31. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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32. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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33. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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34. - None for me.
- I can't. I'm on a diet.
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35. Oh, you girls have such great willpower.
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36. Well, if you're not gonna eat it,
neither will I.
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37. So, Annie, tell me. What did you get Mona
for her retirement present?
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38. Well, you know
how much she loves Vikki Carr.
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39. - Yeah?
- I got her the new CD.
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40. Oh, you know,
someone already gave her that.
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41. - You better take it back.
- Thanks, Fran.
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42. Here she comes. Here she comes.
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43. - Happy retirement! Congratulations.
- Happy retirement! Congratulations.
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44. Oh, shut up.
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45. You give somebody's kid the best years
of your life, and what do you get?
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46. A pat on the back,
and a couple of stinking Vikki Carr CDs.
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47. Mona, did you switch perfumes?
I think this is a little too woodsy.
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48. That's not perfume. The boss
is turning my room into a cedar closet.
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49. Cheer up, Mona. Think about the big party
your boss is making for you
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50. - at the Waldorf on Saturday night.
- Oh, that reminds me.
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51. Who's taping Dr. Quinn?
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52. Meanwhile, when the party's over,
he goes home to Fifth Avenue.
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53. And I move into a dump in Queens,
and say goodbye to little Skippy forever.
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54. Oh now, Mona. Little Skippy's
doing his residency at New York Hospital.
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55. I think that you've milked
this nanny routine long enough.
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56. When I started this job
I was 29. Gorgeous. A figure like you.
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57. Look what happens after 20 years of eating
all that rich food his butler makes.
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58. Don't you worry.
Me and you are nothing alike.
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59. I mean, you chose to be a nanny.
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60. I just fell into it,
when my fiancé dumped me.
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61. - Fran, that's exactly what happened—
- Thank you, Lupe.
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62. Mona is right. We're nothing alike.
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63. - Hey, moron, scoop that poop!
- Hey, moron, scoop that poop!
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64. Well, wait a minute here.
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65. We're not alike because I've got a skill
that I can fall back on.
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66. That's what I thought.
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67. See, I was working
in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens,
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68. 'til my boyfriend kicked me out
in one of those crushing—
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69. Stop it, Mona.
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70. Oh, I'm so depressed.
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71. - Give me that cake.
- Oh.
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72. Whoopsie!
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73. I dropped it.
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74. - It's still good.
- No, it's not. No, it's not.
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75. It's got dirt all over it.
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76. Plaster of Paris. I used to do that.
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77. It's a hell of a lot easier
to carry on the bus, huh Fran?
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78. Come on, Niles.
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79. Tell me what Maxwell's getting me
for my birthday. I'll give you 50 bucks.
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80. No. But if you tell me your age,
I'll tell you.
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81. All right, 75.
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82. There, that wasn't so hard to admit,
now was it?
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83. Nanny Fine, how sweet.
That's for my birthday, isn't it?
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84. Yeah.
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85. "Congratulations, Mona?"
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86. Mona's your Hebrew name.
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87. So, how was the park? Was Mona surprised?
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88. No, but I was. You know, Niles,
being a nanny is a thankless job.
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89. I mean, I'm history the minute
Gracie starts shaving her pits.
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90. Feeling a tad insecure about our future?
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91. Actually, I'm not the least bit
concerned about yours.
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92. I mean, as long as you can put a tea bag
in a cup of water, you got a career.
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93. Meanwhile, I'm out of here
as soon as the last kid graduates.
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94. Fran, have you seen my math book?
I have to study.
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95. No, honey, but who cares? Really?
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96. So what if you got left back?
What's your rush?
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97. Look, second grade could be
the best four years of your life.
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98. Go. Watch cartoons. Oh, wait.
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99. All right, go ahead.
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100. Hubba-hubba.
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101. Are you sure you want to waste that
on a nanny retirement party?
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102. Oh, Niles, Mona is one of my closest
friends. I wanna look nice for her.
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103. Cardiologist convention
in the next ballroom?
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104. - Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
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105. - Niles, do you have my cold medicine?
- Yes. Here you are, sir.
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106. All right, you don't have
to watch me. I'll take it. I'm an adult.
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107. Yes, I mixed in the honey.
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108. All right, then. Carry on.
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109. Oh, Ms. Fine!
I thought the PTA meeting was next week.
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110. Don't be ridiculous. I can't sit in this.
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111. Have a wonderful time
at the party tonight, Ms. Fine.
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112. - Thank you.
- As a matter of fact,
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113. why don't you take tomorrow off.
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114. You deserve it.
You've been doing a wonderful job.
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115. Oh, thanks Mr. Sheffield. Gee,
whatever you're taking, keep taking it.
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116. Mona, wow.
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117. You like?
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118. Labels for Less.
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119. I think it's Yves St. Bernard.
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120. So, guess what?
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121. I don't have to go back to Queens.
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122. Your boss said he can't let you go,
because he realized
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123. that the reason why he never remarried
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124. was because he was in love with you
all these years?
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125. No.
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126. I'm moving to Florida.
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127. I'm gonna live with my mother.
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128. I don't mind sharing a sofa bed
with my grandma.
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129. She's one hundred, this year.
You believe it?
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130. Your mother and your grandmother.
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131. - Better.
- Yeah.
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132. Grandma doesn't take up much space,
and she can't roll over.
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133. So, I just have to get used
to sleeping on a plastic liner.
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134. Well, you know,
it's so much easier doing laundry
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135. when you can use a bottle of 409
and a sponge.
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136. Let's go, gorgeous. The boss
gave me the limo, and the bar is stocked.
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137. Oh, Mona, you know I can't drink.
One sip of Manischewitz at Passover,
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138. and I'm humming the Jeopardy! theme
during the four questions.
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139. Oh, I never used to drink either, honey.
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140. But wait 'til the first time
the boss tells you,
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141. "Take the day off.
You're doing a great job."
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142. Why?
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143. It's the beginning of the end, honey.
Means they don't need you anymore.
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144. Well, maybe just one Pink Squirrel.
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145. Gee, I don't know
what they put in a Pink Squirrel, but...
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146. I don't know how squirrels
hold onto their nuts.
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147. Okay. Doing good.
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148. Doing good. Doing good.
Doing bad. Doing bad. Doing bad.
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149. Oh, I knew I had a door. Doing good again.
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150. She works hard for the money
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151. So hard for the money
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152. She works hard for the money
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153. but she never treat her right
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154. She works hard for the money
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155. She works hard for the money
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156. but you never treat her right
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157. Oh, my god. I better color my hair.
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158. Boy, I better get rid
of some of those pantsuits.
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159. Damn Annie Hall.
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160. Oh, I'll take my makeup off
in the morning.
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161. Oh, what are you doing here?
The sun is up.
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162. Niles, just give it a rest.
Today is my birthday.
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163. - You're not going to get my goat.
- Why? Did you two get engaged?
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164. Niles, just shut up.
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165. - How's Maxwell? Is he feeling any better?
- Well I think so, yes.
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166. He took a wonderful
Jewish remedy last night.
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167. I wish there was something
I could do for him.
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168. Well I'd love to stay and chat,
Ms. Babcock, but Mr. Sheffield is waiting,
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169. and you know how much better he feels,
and how happy he is,
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170. when someone brings him his tray.
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171. Oh, let me do it! Let me do it!
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172. - Oh, no, no, Ms. Babcock, I couldn't.
- Oh, just give me the stupid tray.
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173. No, No.
Now, you really shouldn't be in his room.
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174. Why? Oh, my birthday present's
up there, isn't it?
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175. - I'm right, aren't I?
- Oh, you know me like a book.
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176. Oh, Maxwell.
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177. Maxwell.
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178. C.C.! C.C., what the devil
are you doing in here?
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179. What am I doing here?
What is she doing here?
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180. Who?
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181. Ms. Fine!
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182. Oh, I'm having that dream again.
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183. Oh, Mr. Sheffield? What are you doing in—
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184. Your room?
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185. Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
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186. Would you all kindly get out of my room?
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187. Happy Birthday Ms. Babcock
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188. Ms. Fine, there has to be a perfectly
rational explanation to all this,
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189. but with you, that's so rarely the case.
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190. What?
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191. Well, nothing. It's just that,
you could use a Tic Tac or something.
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192. How the devil did you get in here
in the first place?
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193. Oh, I don't know. I must have gotten
a little schnockered at the nanny party.
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194. What's your excuse?
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195. Well, I did take
a lot of cold medicine last night—
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196. I don't need an excuse.
It's my bloody room.
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197. Schnockered? I thought you didn't drink.
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198. Look, I'm a grown woman. I could have
a lousy pink drink if I want one.
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199. I'm going through a personal crisis.
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200. Meanwhile, these sheets are gorgeous.
Do you know if Niles has to iron them?
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201. - Ms. Fine, focus.
- Don't tell me to focus.
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202. You're going to turn my room into
a cedar closet while I rot in Florida,
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203. curled up next to Grandma Yetta,
on sheets designed by Rubbermaid.
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204. You should come with
a bloody owner's manual, you know that?
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205. I've given you the best years of my life,
and this is what you do to me?
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206. I haven't done anything to you!
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207. Did I?
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208. Oh, god, did we? What am I talking about?
If we did, I think I would remember.
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209. You bet you would.
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210. - Ms. Fine.
- Now, don't panic.
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211. I know nothing happened. I can
guarantee it, because my ears don't itch.
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212. There. Okay?
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213. All right. Just because
I'm desperate, I'm gonna ask you.
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214. What do your ears
have to do with anything?
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215. Well, I can't really explain it.
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216. All I know is, that the next day,
my ears always itch.
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217. Oh, what? Like you don't have a thing?
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218. Well, all right. I sing.
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219. Any particular song, or do you just scat?
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220. Georgy Girl.
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221. Really? I've been working here for two
years, I've never once heard you sing—
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222. Great scones.
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223. Oh, god. Niles.
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224. It was so embarrassing, having Ms. Babcock
come into my room when she did.
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225. Oh, yes, I know.
If only I'd been there to stop her.
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226. I could just kick myself.
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227. It's not your fault, old man.
You know, the worst part of it is,
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228. it was her birthday,
and no one remembered.
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229. - Oh, I did, sir.
- Oh, really?
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230. How nice. Did you get her something?
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231. Gave it to her this morning.
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232. You know Niles, I had forgotten what
it was like to wake up in the morning,
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233. with your bed smelling of perfume.
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234. Oh, I hear you, sir.
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235. I just wonder what's troubling Ms. Fine.
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236. Oh, what am I wondering for?
I'm standing here with Liz Smith.
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237. I resent that, sir.
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238. But, according to my sources,
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239. Ms. Fine is feeling
a little insecure about the future.
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240. Aren't we all?
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241. Perhaps she should use a little less
of that bloody aerosol hairspray.
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242. Oh no, no.
Not the future of the world, sir.
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243. She's concerned about the golden years.
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244. Oh, no. Have they canceled
her favorite TV show?
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245. Oh please, sir. Work with me.
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246. What's to become of Ms. Fine, when her
services here are no longer required?
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247. Oh, you're talking about after
the children are grown. Aren't you, Niles?
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248. Always one step ahead of me, sir.
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249. Fran, what are you doing?
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250. Well, you know,
I can't be a nanny forever.
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251. I have to have something to fall back on.
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252. And it says here, "if you can draw Blinky,
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253. you too can have
a lucrative career in animation."
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254. This doesn't look anything like Blinky.
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255. Hey, maybe you could try driving the big
rigs on the other side of the matchbox.
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256. Oh, shut up. Go get me some tracing paper.
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257. Come in.
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258. - Hi, doll.
- Oh, Mona.
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259. What are you so dressed up for?
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260. Oh, don't tell me it's a holy day
and I didn't go to temple.
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261. Now God's gonna punish me.
And there goes my career in animation.
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262. No, no. Franny.
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263. - I'm getting married.
- Oh, Mona.
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264. Oh, I hope it wasn't that waiter
last night that gave you the two end cuts.
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265. 'Cause, you know, he left with
the Yorkshire pudding guy, arm in arm.
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266. No. It's my boss.
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267. We were saying goodnight at the Waldorf,
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268. and he asked me
to come back to the house, and I thought,
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269. "What? I forget to clean my drain?"
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270. No, no. He had something to give me.
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271. - Look.
- Oh, Mona, it's gorgeous.
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272. Oh, I'm so happy for you.
No one deserves it more than you.
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273. Meanwhile, do you think
this looks like Blinky?
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274. - Honey. I gotta go. He chartered a plane.
- Oh.
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275. - Oh, and by the way,
- Yeah?
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276. - You know that cedar closet?
- Yeah?
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277. Turns out it was for me. For me.
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278. - Ms. Fine.
- What?
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279. Well, Ms. Fine, please sit down.
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280. Look, if it's about my lipstick
on your pillow shams,
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281. don't lose any sleep over it.
It's never coming out.
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282. No, no, Ms. Fine. When I first hired you,
I thought I was just getting a nanny.
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283. But, well, you've turned out
to be so much more.
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284. Mr. Sheffield, what's this all about?
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285. Well, I don't want you to think
this job is going nowhere,
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286. and that when the children are grown,
you'll be all alone.
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287. I want to take care of you,
for the rest of your life.
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288. Oh, could I just call my mother?
Oh, wait. I'll fill her in.
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289. Ms. Fine, there's something
I want to give you.
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290. Oh, wait a sec. Wait a sec.
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291. Go ahead.
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292. It would give me great pleasure
if you would...
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293. Yeah?
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294. let me buy you a condominium.
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295. For your retirement.
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296. A condo? That's what you want
to give me for my future?
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297. Oh, I'll tell you, I have never been so—
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298. Would it include carpet
and plantation shutters?
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299. - Yeah, of course.
- Pets okay?
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300. 'Cause I'd probably want a cat.
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301. Whatever you want.
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302. So, happy?
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303. Yeah.
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304. Oy, this is gonna take forever.
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305. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, by the way,
I'm sorry about last night.
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306. Oh, Ms. Fine, don't you worry about that.
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307. I think we should put
that whole incident behind us.
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308. - And after all, nothing happened, right?
- Right.
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309. Hey there, Georgy girl
What a nice way to—
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