The Nanny 2x23

Directed by Dorothy Lyman

Rachel Chagall as Val Toriello • Billy Ray Cyrus as Billy Ray Cyrus • Scott Whyte as Sean • Chuck Mavich as Pizza Delivery Guy • Rochelle Bond as Pamela

Maggie is upset when Fran beats her in a kissing contest. The winner is to appear on an album cover with Billy Ray Cyrus.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hey, Fran, did you see?

2. Billy Ray Cyrus is having a kissing contest at Tower Records

3. to find a girl for the cover of his new album.

4. I love Billy Ray Cyrus.

5. Remember that cowboy bar we used to go to in Flushing?

6. Of course. I'm not just rock 'n' roll. I'm a little bit country, too.

7. They used to have a mechanical bull. I used to ride that thing like crazy.

8. I'll tell you, if he was Jewish, I would've married him.

9. So, are you gonna enter?

10. Are you kidding? I'd never win.

11. Pamela Chapman is entering.

12. She's so gorgeous, even her mother hates her.

13. Sweetie, you've got to have more self-confidence.

14. All of those overdeveloped girls just peak in high school.

15. Yeah. Remember that girl from our school who was so beautiful and so popular

16. that everyone thought she would own the world?

17. Then her fiancé dumped her, she got fired from her job,

18. and she wound up working as a nan...

19. Fran, were you ever in a kissing contest?

20. Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a contest.

21. I mean, how many contestants can you fit in a '77 Comet?

22. But I must say,

23. Jerry Schwartz and I spent the better part of The Blue Lagoon tongue wrestling.

24. You mean thumb wrestling?

25. Yes, of course, honey. That's exactly what I meant.

26. Thanks for correcting me.

27. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

28. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

29. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

30. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

31. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

32. She had style, she had flair She was there

33. That's how she became the Nanny

34. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

35. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

36. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, CC

37. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

38. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

39. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

40. Fran, why am I doing this? I don't have a chance of winning a kissing contest.

41. Sweetie, you could do it with your eyes closed.

42. Well, actually, you do it with your eyes open.

43. Fran, you spy on me and Shawn when we're making out?

44. Honey, spying and living vicariously are two completely different things.

45. Shawn? What happened to Peter?

46. He's got a bad haircut. He'll be back in a couple of weeks.

47. That's Shawn.

48. How am I going to tell him that I'm entering a kissing contest?

49. Sweetie, just slip it into the conversation. Be subtle.

50. - Hi, Shawn. - Hi, Maggie. Hi, Fran.

51. Hi, sweetie.

52. Look at this. A kissing contest.

53. Let's enter.

54. Meanwhile, she's fighting them off with a stick,

55. and I'm having impure thoughts about Judge Ito.

56. Honey, you might as well tell Shawn. Now is as good a time as any.

57. Wrong. Red alert.

58. Mating season in Queens, Ms. Fine?

59. Hello, darling. How's my little girl?

60. Hi, Margaret.

61. Margaret? Oh, my God.

62. - Dad. - I'm sorry.

63. - It's Peter, right? - Shawn, Daddy.

64. Yes, right. Shawn.

65. Well, of course, in England Peter is short for Shawn,

66. which is one of the many reasons why I left.

67. Let me show you how to be subtle.

68. Speaking of England...

69. Does everybody know that Billy Ray Cyrus is holding a kissing contest

70. to see what girl is gonna be on the cover of his latest CD?

71. A kissing contest. Yeah.

72. Not a bad ruse to get thousands of young girls to pucker up.

73. I'll tell you.

74. Tough job, lad?

75. Man, think about it. Girls lining up, all dying to kiss you.

76. No, when I'm in that situation, I pick out the prettiest girl,

77. I take her home, she puts on something sexy, and then I

78. wake up, and Niles makes me a really big bowl of Cap'n Crunch.

79. Speaking of Cap'n Crunch,

80. I guess it's no problem if Maggie enters the contest.

81. - What? - What?

82. Maggie, I'm not letting you do this.

83. Shawn, you can't tell me what to do. You don't own me.

84. Absolutely right. I do. Margaret, no contest.

85. Come on, Daddy, all my friends are doing it.

86. Maggie, Maggie, Oz has spoken.

87. Goodbye. Go.

88. Take the Dutch boy.

89. You're gonna work on him.

90. So you're gonna work on me?

91. No, Mr. Sheffield, I am not gonna work on you.

92. - In fact, I happen to agree with you. - I beg your pardon?

93. Well, you saw how upset Shawn got.

94. I mean, he can't stand the thought of her kissing anyone else.

95. If she enters the contest, it could bust those two kids up.

96. We'd never see Shawn again.

97. - Ms. Fine. - Yes?

98. Perhaps you're being a little too harsh on Margaret.

99. Am I?

100. Yeah, I mean, after all, all of her friends are gonna be doing it.

101. Okay.

102. Standing in line for hours reminds me of home.

103. You know, we only had one bathroom.

104. My father would go in with the Sunday morning paper

105. and not come out till Murder, She Wrote.

106. Fran, I don't stand a chance. All these girls are so sexy.

107. Sweetie, they've got nothing on you.

108. In fact, you've got something that they lost a long time ago.

109. You still got it, don't you?

110. Oh, no. There's Pamela Chapman.

111. That gorgeous, stuck-up snob.

112. Hi.

113. Sweetie, she's no threat to...

114. Wow. I didn't know Brad Pitt and Claudia Schiffer had a kid.

115. All right. Well, honey, you just go in there and get it over with.

116. You, honey, come here.

117. I'm from Homina Homina Records,

118. and you don't need to wait in line.

119. - You made the cut. - Really?

120. You know what would happen if anyone found out that I was here?

121. Now write this down.

122. Now, go to 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

123. - Ask for Lily or Herman. - Thank you.

124. I feel terrible. So awful.

125. You, honey, come here.

126. - I'm from Homina Homina— - Fran, Fran.

127. Oh, my gosh, that was so cool. He is so cool.

128. This is so cool.

129. You've gotta do it.

130. What, are you kidding?

131. Why not? For a goof. Go on.

132. Sweetie, I came here for you.

133. I'm not gonna waltz myself up to Billy Ray Cyrus,

134. throw my arms around his neck and suck those farm-boy lips off.

135. I wouldn't know where to begin.

136. Come on. Go for it.

137. It's really fun, Fran.

138. Well, it's fun for you to kiss a celebrity, but I get kissed...

139. Out of my way.

140. Do it, Fran.

141. How could you do it, Fran?

142. Well, you told me to go for it.

143. Well, I didn't tell you to win.

144. I'm sorry. My mouth has a mind of its own. There's no stopping it.

145. Never a truer word spoken.

146. All right. So, what's going on here?

147. I can't believe it. By tomorrow, everybody at school's gonna know

148. that my nanny beat me out of a kissing contest.

149. What? You won the contest?

150. Well, if you wanna call it a contest.

151. Well, as far as your winning this contest is concerned,

152. we'll sort this nonsense in no time.

153. Nonsense?

154. Well, Ms. Fine. You don't seriously think you actually won, do you?

155. They were looking for a beautiful teenager.

156. And, lovely as you are, you're not exactly a teenager.

157. Well, I remember my graduation a lot better than some people

158. that I won't spell it out for, Y-O-U.

159. Please, Ms. Fine, you don't seriously expect me to believe

160. you beat out hundreds of young girls just because of your kissing prowess?

161. No. I beat them because I happen to be a fabulous kisser.

162. Don't you think you you've gone a bit overboard on the hyperbole?

163. I'm wearing Obsession.

164. Ms. Fine, this is insanity.

165. There's absolutely no way you could've won that contest legitimately.

166. - No? - No.

167. - Yeah? - Yeah.

168. Well, you asked for it, buster.

169. I'm sorry I had to get tough with you, but you had to learn.

170. Yes.

171. Well, right. Of course.

172. You know, Ms. Fine, I...

173. I thought I'd considered every possible scenario.

174. Maggie wins, and I'm miserable. Maggie loses, she's miserable.

175. But... Here's the wild card.

176. You win, and we're all miserable.

177. Meanwhile, if you're so miserable,

178. how come I know you had clams casino and a side salad for lunch?

179. Decaf cappuccino, and a bite of crème brûlée?

180. - I thought you were off the sweets. - Ms. Fine.

181. Ms. Fine, you have to consider my position in this.

182. I have a certain stature in the community.

183. I can't have you kissing someone on an album cover.

184. You're my nanny, for heaven's sakes.

185. Your nanny? Is that what I am to you? Your nanny?

186. Well, yes.

187. All right, you caught me on a technicality.

188. I cannot have the person that's raising my children doing something like this.

189. - Well, who said I was gonna do it? - I thought you just won the contest?

190. Well, what does that have to do with anything?

191. Oy. You're such a man sometimes.

192. Don't you realize that your daughter has a very low self-esteem?

193. Something like this could crush her. Is that what you want?

194. No. What I want right now

195. is to be in a pub with my hands wrapped around a tall lager.

196. A logger?

197. Do the kids know that you're considering an alternate lifestyle?

198. It's a beer, Ms. Fine.

199. Well, speak English.

200. If you had no intention of going through with this album cover in the first place,

201. what are we arguing about?

202. Well, I have no idea.

203. I can't shake the image of you picking up Paul Bunyan in a bar.

204. God.

205. It would be easier to have them raised by wolves.

206. Do you think I went overboard with this ensemble?

207. No. You look just like when my Hebrew school did

208. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas.

209. This is so exciting. I'm gonna meet Billy Ray Cyrus.

210. I wonder if he's related to Sugar Ray Leonard?

211. He is so gorgeous. Take a picture of us.

212. Try and look lifelike.

213. There he is. He's so hot.

214. Look at that body, those eyes.

215. - Hi, Fran. - Hi.

216. - She's perfect, Billy Ray. - Isn't she?

217. Thank you, Mr. Cyrus. "Mr. Cyrus." That sounds funny.

218. You know, if Emily Brontë married you, her name would be Brontë-Cyrus.

219. Anyway, Mr. Cyrus,

220. as flattered as I am that you picked me to be your kiss-girl,

221. I can't be on your album cover.

222. - You're turning us down? - I'm afraid I have to.

223. You don't wanna be in my new video?

224. No.

225. You don't wanna be the kiss-girl on my European tour?

226. No.

227. How about a couple tickets to the Grammys?

228. There's a party at Streisand's after.

229. What are we really talking about here?

230. The kid is an heiress. She's got toothpicks for thighs.

231. She'll bounce back.

232. - Go. - No.

233. I'm sorry. But I can't.

234. Honey, you gotta do it.

235. You look great with Billy Ray.

236. Those teenagers made him look a little long in the tooth.

237. What?

238. Fran. What my ex-manager is trying to say is,

239. kissing you will appeal to a much broader audience.

240. Yeah. Older broads.

241. Was I drunk when I hired you?

242. I am not an older broad. Tell him, Val.

243. - Well, you're older than me. - Shut up, Val.

244. I'm sorry, but my mind is made up.

245. Darling, this is a great opportunity for a woman like you.

246. You just gonna walk out of here with nothing?

247. No. I'm gonna walk out knowing that I did not destroy the self-esteem

248. of a very insecure, young

249. heiress.

250. And that's all I need.

251. Come on, Val. Help me carry this on the bus.

252. How many times have I asked you children to close the refrigerator?

253. What?

254. Ms. Fine, I've told you there's nothing to be depressed about.

255. You are a beautiful young woman. What are you, 32, 34?

256. You better be talking about my bra size,

257. or you're gonna become awfully chummy with a turkey leg.

258. Fran, I'm sorry I made such a big deal about the contest.

259. Hey, the best woman won.

260. Honey, stop knocking yourself.

261. Being the best had nothing to do with it.

262. Being the one most likely to pass a liver spot off as a coffee stain

263. is what put me over the top.

264. Bottom line, you made him look old, and I made him look young.

265. Really?

266. Sweetie, you're too beautiful. That's your only curse.

267. - Fran, I love you. - I love you more.

268. Hey, at least Pamela didn't win.

269. I heard some lady at the contest sent her on a wild goose chase.

270. That's terrible.

271. Did they say if they saw who it was?

272. No. The girls just said it was some older lady.

273. Fabulous.

274. Niles, know what the worst part of it all is?

275. Not that in five years my tush is gonna need training wheels.

276. That Mr. Sheffield was right.

277. I mean, where do I come off thinking I can compete with young girls?

278. Well, it was a little far-fetched.

279. Niles, don't help me. I don't need your two cents.

280. But I will need a 20. That's my pizza.

281. Ms. Fine, we're having dinner in an hour.

282. I know. Why do you think I ordered thin crust?

283. Thank you. Keep the change.

284. Hi, Ms. Babcock.

285. So, Niles, what's wrong with Nanny Fine?

286. Come on, Niles, tell me or I'll just die.

287. You say it, but you don't mean it.

288. Ms. Fine won the contest

289. because they were looking for an older woman. There.

290. Now I suppose you'll run and tell Mr. Sheffield,

291. because somehow in your sick, twisted mind,

292. this will make you appear more appealing.

293. Niles, please, that is beneath me.

294. May I help you?

295. Nanny Fine's old.

296. What?

297. She didn't win the contest because she's a good kisser.

298. She won it because they wanted someone really old, like her.

299. Old? That's preposterous. I mean, what is she?

300. - Twenty-nine? Thirty? - Please.

301. To what power?

302. I mean, do we really know how old she is under all that makeup?

303. She could be—

304. Your age.

305. That's right. She could be close to... Forget it, Niles.

306. It is so pathetic.

307. Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest.

308. I mean, kissing is an art.

309. It has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, it has to be spontaneous.

310. Was it as bad for you as it was for me?

311. Poor Ms. Fine. And I was so insensitive to her.

312. Maybe I should go see if she's all right.

313. No. No, wait. Come back.

314. Didn't work out quite as you planned, did it?

315. You set me up, didn't you?

316. The run, the chase, getting stuck in the door. Everything.

317. My mental health is just a sick game to you, isn't it?

318. Rack them up. Let's play again.

319. Ms. Fine?

320. Don't come in. I'm not dressed.

321. Come in.

322. Ms. Fine, I do hope you'll be coming down to dinner.

323. I can't have my favorite nanny wasting away.

324. I don't think I could eat.

325. Do I smell pizza?

326. No. No. That's just Glade's new Italian fresh scent.

327. Ms. Fine, I heard about the contest,

328. and I just can't bear the thought of you feeling badly about yourself.

329. Thank you, Mr. Sheffield. That's awfully sweet of you.

330. But really, there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna make me feel better.

331. Well, then I suppose I'd be wasting my breath if I told you

332. that I think no girl could possibly be a match for a woman like you.

333. I'd give it a shot.

334. Why are you Americans so obsessed with youth?

335. You know, I prefer the more civilized European sensibility,

336. that people improve with age,

337. like fine wine.

338. Especially a beautiful wine that's robust and earthy,

339. yet sweet and strangely compelling.

340. You're good.

341. Yeah. One more thing before I stop wasting my breath.

342. I think you are one heck of a kisser.

343. Mr. Sheffield, stop.

344. Go on.

345. I can't remember being kissed like that.

346. As a matter of fact, I don't think I've ever been kissed quite like that before.

347. No more. I'm blushing.

348. Like what?

349. Well, with such passion. Such abandon.

350. - Such... - Such?

351. Suction.

352. Yeah, well, Danny used to always call me his little Dirt Devil.

353. Really? Isn't that charming.

354. Mr. Sheffield, you are so wonderful.

355. Here I was, eating my heart out,

356. and then you come up and make me feel so much better.

357. You're such a doll. I could just...

358. Just what, Ms. Fine?

359. Kiss you.

360. Well, far be it from me to refuse a token of gratitude from a lady.

361. Thank you, Mr. Sheffield. It's nice to know I've still got it.