1. Niles and Brighton, this is Maggie's...Copy !req
2. Oh...Copy !req
3. Mr. Sheffield!Copy !req
4. Guess again.Copy !req
5. Well, that's way more than I needed
to know about him.Copy !req
6. Oh, hi, kids. How you doing
on your science project?Copy !req
7. Ask Brooke. She's the genius.
I'm just the dumb blond.Copy !req
8. Me and Val used to do science projects
together. What's yours about?Copy !req
9. Stress in the earth's igneous layers
and its effects on geological topography.Copy !req
10. Oh. We grew potatoes on toothpicks.Copy !req
11. Did you know that if you squeeze coal
really hard it turns into a diamond?Copy !req
12. Oh, not true.
One summer, me and Val went throughCopy !req
13. a whole bag of Kingsford briquettes
trying for earrings.Copy !req
14. No luck, huh?Copy !req
15. No way, but to this day
I got a handshake like Lou Ferrigno.Copy !req
16. Oh, Brighton...Copy !req
17. do you have a date
for the seventh grade dance?Copy !req
18. Yeah, I got a couple of irons in the fire.
Put out a few feelers.Copy !req
19. Yeah. Neither do I.Copy !req
20. I'll probably just go all by myself
and stand alone on the sideCopy !req
21. with all the other wallflowers.Copy !req
22. Oh, good. So, you're covered.Copy !req
23. Yeah...Copy !req
24. Excuse me. I have to take my allergy pill.Copy !req
25. - Oh, what are you allergic to, honey?
- Everything but pollen.Copy !req
26. Fran, I am not asking her to the dance.Copy !req
27. - All right.
- You're not gonna say anything?Copy !req
28. It's not my place.Copy !req
29. God will punish you.Copy !req
30. Fran, look at her with those braids.
She looks like Alfalfa.Copy !req
31. And with those allergies,
she's always so nasal.Copy !req
32. Hey! A lot of men find that very alluring.Copy !req
33. Maybe you're right.Copy !req
34. If I don't ask her to the dance
she might get upset and...Copy !req
35. there goes my automatic "A" in science.Copy !req
36. Well, as long as his heart's
in the right place.Copy !req
37. Oh, I remember my first dance.
I went with Richie Schneider.Copy !req
38. - He had two left feet.
- Oh, bit of a klutz, eh?Copy !req
39. No. He had two left feet.Copy !req
40. Some freak thing.
His mother was an x-ray technician.Copy !req
41. I'm confused. Could he dance or not?Copy !req
42. Actually, he was an excellent dancer,Copy !req
43. except when they did the Hokey Pokey
and they said, "Put your left foot in."Copy !req
44. Poor boy went down like a ton of bricks.Copy !req
45. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, QueensCopy !req
46. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenesCopy !req
47. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fannyCopy !req
48. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' doorCopy !req
49. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw moreCopy !req
50. She had style, she had flair
She was thereCopy !req
51. That's how she became the NannyCopy !req
52. Who would have guessed
That the girl we describedCopy !req
53. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?Copy !req
54. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.Copy !req
55. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!Copy !req
56. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tanCopy !req
57. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named FranCopy !req
58. So, Sheffield, who you gonna take
to the dance?Copy !req
59. Oh, just an old friend.Copy !req
60. Oh, hi, honey.Copy !req
61. I'm sorry I'm late, sweetie.Copy !req
62. I didn't have a pass,Copy !req
63. and that hall monitor's
a real little Nazi.Copy !req
64. Whoa, Sheffield! Way to go.Copy !req
65. No, she's the nanny.
But, you know, she wants me.Copy !req
66. What?Copy !req
67. Wants me to go to the orthodontist.Copy !req
68. - Come on.
- Hi, Brighton.Copy !req
69. Oh, no.Copy !req
70. - It's the Brooke-worm!
- Brooke!Copy !req
71. I'm glad you're still here.Copy !req
72. I fell in the AV room and had to get
a Band-Aid for my glasses.Copy !req
73. Plus, my inhaler clogged.Copy !req
74. Honey, honey, men like
a little mystery. Don't share.Copy !req
75. - Okay, Fran, let's go.
- Brighton, wait.Copy !req
76. My father wants to know
if he should drive us on Friday.Copy !req
77. What are you talking about?Copy !req
78. You asked me to the dance.Copy !req
79. Look, I don't know what's in that inhaler,
but I wouldn't operate heavy machinery.Copy !req
80. - Brighton!
- Oh, forget it.Copy !req
81. Oh, Brooke. Brighton, that was very mean.Copy !req
82. Now look what you've done,
you made her wheeze.Copy !req
83. Brighton, I am so disappointed in you.Copy !req
84. Fran, you've been yelling at me
since 68th Street.Copy !req
85. Are you gonna keep it up the whole way?Copy !req
86. No, as soon as we pass Bergdorf's,
I'm gonna start slapping you.Copy !req
87. Fran, it was no big deal.Copy !req
88. Don't you know what happens to young girls
when you torture them in high school?Copy !req
89. Oh, we're going to the video store,
and I'm renting you Carrie.Copy !req
90. - All right, all right. I'm sorry.
- Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
91. But it's too late to do anything
about it now.Copy !req
92. No, it's never too late to right a wrong
that you've done to another human being.Copy !req
93. Yeah. Unless, of course,Copy !req
94. that human being has been shattered
into a million miserable pieces.Copy !req
95. Yeah, right.Copy !req
96. I work alone here.Copy !req
97. Your behavior could scar
that little girl for the rest of her life.Copy !req
98. And you should know. Hypocrite!Copy !req
99. Let me guess. You don't survive
on tips, do you, Mr...Copy !req
100. Aziz...Copy !req
101. I share the cab.Copy !req
102. "Jeffrey Needleman."Copy !req
103. Jeffrey Needleman?Copy !req
104. Here, let me give you a hint, okay:Copy !req
105. Picture me crammed in a locker
with a wedgieCopy !req
106. and a "kick me" sign on my forehead.Copy !req
107. - "Kick me" signs go on your back.
- Yeah.Copy !req
108. But they wanted me to see it coming.Copy !req
109. This guy's the most pathetic loser
on earth.Copy !req
110. Oh! Jeffrey Needleman!Copy !req
111. Oh, Jeffrey, what have you been doing
since high school?Copy !req
112. Shock therapy.Copy !req
113. Oh. Well, nice to see things
are picking up for you.Copy !req
114. So, in other words, you guys
went to high school together,Copy !req
115. and you tortured him.Copy !req
116. I'm not the only one that tortured him.Copy !req
117. The whole school did.
It was a requirement.Copy !req
118. Got you out of taking
a foreign-language class.Copy !req
119. Fran, I am so disappointed in you.Copy !req
120. All right, okay. That's enough.Copy !req
121. You're right. It's not my place.
God will punish you.Copy !req
122. You know, I remember you saying
that you'd go out with me that Sunday.Copy !req
123. I said "someday."Copy !req
124. Someday. And that was only because
you were standing out on a ledge.Copy !req
125. Is it someday yet?Copy !req
126. Oh, I don't know, Jeffrey. I'm so busy.Copy !req
127. I really don't know when
I'll find the time.Copy !req
128. Hey, you're free Saturday.
It's your day off.Copy !req
129. Yes, that's true,
but I might have to go visitCopy !req
130. that poor little boy in the hospitalCopy !req
131. after that unfortunate
high-heel-to-the-butt accident.Copy !req
132. Come on, Fran! You're gonna be late
for your date. The meter's running.Copy !req
133. I don't feel a hundred percent.Copy !req
134. Do I sound like I'm coming down
with a cold?Copy !req
135. Constantly.Copy !req
136. No, I mean it.
See if I have a temperature.Copy !req
137. Oh, not the old thermometer
and the light bulb trick.Copy !req
138. Brighton, please!Copy !req
139. A hundred and twelve, Miss Fine.Copy !req
140. Damn halogen lamps.Copy !req
141. Fran, I'm very proud of you
for going through with this.Copy !req
142. It's never too late to right a wrong.Copy !req
143. Why aren't you under a blanket
with a flashlightCopy !req
144. reading National Geographic
like a normal kid?Copy !req
145. Oh, Maxwell, please, I'm begging you.Copy !req
146. It'll only take a couple of minutes.
You don't even have to like it.Copy !req
147. There's a speech she knows by heart.Copy !req
148. C.C., you know my policy.Copy !req
149. I never read plays written by friends
or relativesCopy !req
150. or that Broadway bon vivant,
your psychiatrist.Copy !req
151. But I told him you'd read it.
I don't want to risk offending him.Copy !req
152. - We're on the verge of a breakthrough.
- Oh, good.Copy !req
153. Maybe he'll find a personality we like.Copy !req
154. I'm terribly sorry, C.C., but I simply
don't do business favors for friends.Copy !req
155. Well, I have to agree with Mr. Sheffield
on that one.Copy !req
156. I have an Uncle Aaron...Copy !req
157. he manufactured hernia trusses,
and he gave one to his friend Murray.Copy !req
158. Well, P.S., he put it on backwards,
Murray, and cut off his circulation.Copy !req
159. Double amputation,
and I'm not talking about his legs.Copy !req
160. Miss Fine, isn't this your day off?Copy !req
161. Yeah, but I decided that I owe you
for that Jewish holiday that I made up.Copy !req
162. You mean there is no Matzo Day?Copy !req
163. Well, we forgive you.
Just go on your date.Copy !req
164. Yes, by all means. Go have fun.Copy !req
165. No, no, no. Here, I have to— Here,
I have to take Gracie to her ballet class.Copy !req
166. - No, I'm taking her.
- Oh.Copy !req
167. Yeah, she's got a crush
on my teacher, bigtime.Copy !req
168. Oh, that's nice.Copy !req
169. Oh, he is so cute and talented.Copy !req
170. You should see his impersonation
of Liza Minnelli.Copy !req
171. I'm gonna have to have a talk with her.Copy !req
172. Good afternoon. I'm here to meet a man.Copy !req
173. Might I suggest happy hour
at the Black Angus?Copy !req
174. Oh, never mind. That's him.Copy !req
175. Oh, Franny. Oh, look at you.Copy !req
176. You look scrump-dilly-icious.Copy !req
177. He's a war hero.Copy !req
178. Here you are, my good man.
Your best table.Copy !req
179. Save it. You may want to do laundry later.Copy !req
180. Thank you.Copy !req
181. What? Oh, no! I brought one for you, too.Copy !req
182. Oh, no, no, no!Copy !req
183. That's very sweet,Copy !req
184. but I don't think I'd be comfortable
sitting on wooden balls.Copy !req
185. At least not on the first date.Copy !req
186. I'm telling you, you drive a cab,
everybody thinks you're invisible.Copy !req
187. Know how many men pick their nose?Copy !req
188. - Oh, I don't know.
- No, take a guess.Copy !req
189. Come on, give it a shot.
Give it a shot. One out of five.Copy !req
190. Jeffrey, you're such a raconteur.Copy !req
191. Oh, I got a million stories.Copy !req
192. You shouldn't waste them all on me.Copy !req
193. You should write some of this stuff down.Copy !req
194. Actually, I have. I wrote a play.Copy !req
195. Oh, isn't that a coincidence?Copy !req
196. I happen to work for a Broadway...Copy !req
197. bus driver.Copy !req
198. A bus driver who can afford a nanny?Copy !req
199. Unions.Copy !req
200. I almost forgot. Here.
I brought this for you.Copy !req
201. Jeffrey, you didn't have to get me...
a blue-frost eye-shadow kit.Copy !req
202. That's your blue-frost eye-shadow kit.Copy !req
203. You remember, Mrs. Barnett
confiscated it from you in homeroom?Copy !req
204. I swiped it from her desk.Copy !req
205. And you saved it all these years.Copy !req
206. Oh, isn't that sweet, Jeffrey...Copy !req
207. and yet, oddly disturbing.Copy !req
208. You know what would make me
the happiest man on earth?Copy !req
209. What?Copy !req
210. Look, I know you didn't want
to do it with me in school but...Copy !req
211. I was hoping that you'd changed your mind.Copy !req
212. I doubt it.Copy !req
213. What the hell, why don't we do it
right here on the floor.Copy !req
214. - Check, please!
- Come on, Fran. Do the Hustle!Copy !req
215. - What?
- Come on. Please. Dance with me.Copy !req
216. Oh, Jeffrey.Copy !req
217. I don't think I remember
the Hustle anymore.Copy !req
218. Jeffrey.Copy !req
219. I think I pulled a Hustle muscle.Copy !req
220. - That was fantastic.
- Thank you.Copy !req
221. I have a great partner
over at Arthur Murray.Copy !req
222. She's 82, but, boy,
can she turn the beat around.Copy !req
223. You know, Jeffrey,
this wasn't such a bad date after all.Copy !req
224. Good. Marry me.Copy !req
225. You're kidding, aren't you?Copy !req
226. - Please.
- Oh, Jeffrey,Copy !req
227. it's incredibly flattering, and I hope
you don't take this the wrong way...Copy !req
228. Jeffrey, Jeffrey, don't jump.Copy !req
229. Did he pay the check?Copy !req
230. Jeffrey, don't jump.
You have too much to live for!Copy !req
231. Yeah? Name one thing.Copy !req
232. Give me a minute.Copy !req
233. - Goodbye!
- No, Jeffrey, wait!Copy !req
234. - He jumped?
- No. I leaned on pigeon poop.Copy !req
235. - I mean it. I'm gonna jump.
- Jeffrey, I'll do whatever you say.Copy !req
236. - Sleep with me.
- What's your second choice?Copy !req
237. Another date.Copy !req
238. What else you got?Copy !req
239. - Okay, fine. That's it.
- No, Jeffrey. Wait. Wait!Copy !req
240. Maybe you should take off your heels.Copy !req
241. Are you crazy? That would screw up
my balance completely!Copy !req
242. Oh! Oh, my God! Jeffrey,
look how high up we are!Copy !req
243. Oh, Jeffrey. I'm scared.
Hold my hand! Hold my hand.Copy !req
244. - I'm gonna jump!
- Let go of my hand! Let go of my hand!Copy !req
245. Oh, Jeffrey. Look at all those people
down there staring up at us.Copy !req
246. You wearing underwear?Copy !req
247. Of course I am!Copy !req
248. Jeffrey, please, let's go inside.Copy !req
249. No. No, if I can't have you,
I have no reason to live.Copy !req
250. - Sure, you do. You've got friends.
- None.Copy !req
251. - Family.
- Estranged.Copy !req
252. - A dog.
- Bit me.Copy !req
253. - I know, your writing.
- Oh, yeah. That's a dead end.Copy !req
254. Nobody's gonna read my play.
In this town, you have to know somebody.Copy !req
255. I know somebody.Copy !req
256. I work for Maxwell Sheffield,
the big Broadway producer.Copy !req
257. I thought you worked for a bus driver.Copy !req
258. Bus driver and Broadway producer.Copy !req
259. Well, he wasn't gonna give up
that pension.Copy !req
260. I don't mean to be negative here, butCopy !req
261. I don't think this spud
is gonna get us an "A."Copy !req
262. I don't need an "A."Copy !req
263. I always get an "A."Copy !req
264. I want to see what a "D" feels like.Copy !req
265. Oh, you're mad about the dance.Copy !req
266. And they say I'm the genius.Copy !req
267. Look, Brooke, we've been friends
for a long time now.Copy !req
268. - Why do things have to change?
- I'm a woman now. I have needs.Copy !req
269. Yeah, well, I have needs too.
I need an "A" in science.Copy !req
270. - Oh, hello, Brooke.
- Men!Copy !req
271. Women.Copy !req
272. What was that all about?Copy !req
273. Why do girls have to take
everything so personally?Copy !req
274. Well, women are just
different from us, son.Copy !req
275. They're— They're more emotional.Copy !req
276. When I get a bad review,Copy !req
277. I don't run crying to Niles
and say, "I need a hug."Copy !req
278. Well, there was that one time
in New Haven...Copy !req
279. That review was scathing!Copy !req
280. Thanks, guys. Big help.Copy !req
281. Oh, Fran, I'm feeling really guilty
about Brooke.Copy !req
282. Oh, honey, take her, don't take her,
do whatever you want to do.Copy !req
283. Okay, I'll just grow up by myself.Copy !req
284. Fran, Fran, you like my makeup?Copy !req
285. Gracie's ballet teacher did it for me.Copy !req
286. Oh!Copy !req
287. Ballet teacher and makeup artist.Copy !req
288. Honey, we're definitely gonna have
to have a talk. Just not now, okay?Copy !req
289. I'm in a terrible hurry.Copy !req
290. and it was not a hug.
It was a pat on the back.Copy !req
291. I'd just had a particularly horrid reviewCopy !req
292. and was looking
for a little understanding.Copy !req
293. You wept openly, sir,
and it was very uncomfortable for me.Copy !req
294. It was 1972. We were all
getting in touch with our feelings.Copy !req
295. Mr. Sheffield! Mr. Sheffield!
We got a crisis on our hands.Copy !req
296. Don't crumble, sir.Copy !req
297. - Aren't you supposed to be on a date?
- Well, technically, I still am.Copy !req
298. - Oh, how's it going?
- Oh, I've had better. I've had worse.Copy !req
299. It's kind of up in the air.Copy !req
300. Why didn't you take my emergency call?Copy !req
301. Because the last time you had
the operator break throughCopy !req
302. it was to tape The Bold and Beautiful.Copy !req
303. Well, Storm was about to marry Stephanie!Copy !req
304. So, what's the problem?Copy !req
305. She's his mother!Copy !req
306. Miss Fine, I believe you mentioned
something about a crisis.Copy !req
307. Oh, yeah!
My date is about to kill himself!Copy !req
308. You didn't tell him the hernia story,
did you?Copy !req
309. Or Aunt Frieda's liposuction mishap?Copy !req
310. Uncle Jack's dependence on vino?Copy !req
311. No! I'm serious.Copy !req
312. You have to read his play.
It's a matter of life and death.Copy !req
313. Maxwell, if she gets to show you hers,
I get to show you mine.Copy !req
314. Well, that ain't worth it. Let him jump.Copy !req
315. - Let who jump?
- My date!Copy !req
316. He is standing out on a ledge.
He's about to kill himself.Copy !req
317. My God, this is terrible!Copy !req
318. I'll say! Well, not a total loss.Copy !req
319. The Clams Casino are to die for.Copy !req
320. - See, the—
- Not now, Brighton.Copy !req
321. - But I—
- Later, honey!Copy !req
322. But it's really important.
I need to talk to someone now!Copy !req
323. Aunt C.C.'s still here.Copy !req
324. It can wait.Copy !req
325. "... and then she said,
'I'm sorry,' and..."Copy !req
326. Wait. I'm not through yet.Copy !req
327. Miss Fine, there is some urgency here.Copy !req
328. Okay.Copy !req
329. Come on. Is he through yet?
I'm freezing out here.Copy !req
330. Well, you know what you could do,
You could come in!Copy !req
331. You're ri— No. Nice try.Copy !req
332. Here. I'm through with the soup.Copy !req
333. You want a sweet?Copy !req
334. No. Gotta watch my weight.Copy !req
335. What's the matter?
Afraid you're gonna make a bigger hole?Copy !req
336. Fine. What do you got?Copy !req
337. They got a Tarte Tatin, a Linzer Torte...Copy !req
338. Oh, this looks good.Copy !req
339. You know— You got any chocolate cake?Copy !req
340. No.Copy !req
341. I don't hear laughing.Copy !req
342. Really? Really? Which part? Which part?Copy !req
343. The funny part.Copy !req
344. He hates it.Copy !req
345. Oh, what are you listening to him for?
He passed on Cats.Copy !req
346. It was singing pussycat people...Copy !req
347. in a giant garbage can.Copy !req
348. What would you have done?Copy !req
349. Two words, Mr.Copy !req
350. Still. Running.Copy !req
351. Besides, Jeffrey, what do you always
care what everybody else thinks?Copy !req
352. Why, you don't think I should?Copy !req
353. - It's a brilliant play.
- Oh, come on, Mr. Sheffield,Copy !req
354. - you don't have to lay it on so thick.
- No, I mean it.Copy !req
355. I— I'm going to option it.Copy !req
356. Did you hear that, Jeffrey?Copy !req
357. - He's gonna buy your play!
- All ri—Copy !req
358. No!Copy !req
359. I'm all right. I'm all right!Copy !req
360. My God, he landed right
in that huge mountain of garbage.Copy !req
361. Oh, boy, is he lucky we live in New York.Copy !req
362. Oh, B, you look so handsome.Copy !req
363. Smile.Copy !req
364. You and Brooke are gonna be
the cutest couple at the dance.Copy !req
365. Yeah, but the guys are gonna shred me.Copy !req
366. Oh, honey, you just remember that
you're more mature than they are.Copy !req
367. You just walk in there
and hold your head up high.Copy !req
368. Look them square in the eye and say,Copy !req
369. "So's your mother."Copy !req
370. So, Brighton, your first date
alone with a girl.Copy !req
371. Is there anything we need to talk about?Copy !req
372. Dad, please. I'm going out with Brooke.Copy !req
373. So, you don't have any questions?Copy !req
374. Yeah. Why am I going out with Brooke?Copy !req
375. - How do I look?
- Great.Copy !req
376. - Here you go. Here you go.
- Thank you.Copy !req
377. Wow.Copy !req
378. Hi, Brighton.Copy !req
379. Wow.Copy !req
380. - Are you ready to go, Brighton?
- Just one second.Copy !req
381. Dad, can we have that talk?Copy !req
382. Go on, son. You'll be just fine.Copy !req
383. See? You did the right thing,
and God smiled on you.Copy !req
384. God, Maybelline,
and half a box of Kleenex.Copy !req
385. Thanks, Fran.Copy !req
386. - Fran, how do I look?
- Ravishing, as always.Copy !req
387. Good. I'm going to pick up Gracie
from ballet class.Copy !req
388. Oh, her teacher is so gorgeous.Copy !req
389. I don't know who's cuter,
him or his roommate, Chuck.Copy !req
390. Chuck, huh? Honey, it's time
we had that little talk.Copy !req
391. Huh?Copy !req
392. Oh.Copy !req
393. Oh!Copy !req
394. Get ready.Copy !req
395. Yeah!Copy !req