1. So, Gracie, are you excited
about your playdate with Willie?
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2. I think Willie just wants me for my toys.
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3. Sweetie, you might as well get used to it.
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4. You're gonna be guarding your toys
for the rest of your life.
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5. Well, we're off.
First game of the Broadway Show League.
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6. Mr. Sheffield, don't you look adorable.
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7. I don't think I've ever seen you
in jeans before.
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8. Turn around. I think you got a rip.
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9. No, no. Looking good.
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10. Let's get going, Dad.
I wanna warm up before we play.
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11. What's your rush?
I've been to those games.
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12. Whose idea was it to have Nell Carter
try and beat out a bunt?
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13. Fran, we're playing against
Children of a Lesser God.
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14. Their hand signals are awesome.
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15. So is the guy on first base.
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16. Give it up, Maggie.
They're deaf, not blind.
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17. - Here. What's this hand signal mean?
- Ouch!
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18. Well, Brighton's playing sports.
I accept tips.
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19. Please, the only reason he's on the team
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20. is a chance of seeing Margaret
trying to run.
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21. Now, don't you go making fun.
I've seen you break into a trot.
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22. You got a little Nutty Professor thing
happening yourself.
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23. Yes, well, all right.
Time to play ball. Bye, sweetheart.
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24. Have fun. You're talking to Grace.
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25. Master Willie is here with his nanny.
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26. Now, honey, you go make an entrance
and check yourself like I taught you.
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27. I'm fine.
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28. Miss Fine, you might want to get
dressed for this particular nanny.
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29. Why? What, is she all snazzed up?
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30. One of those Park Avenue nannies
with way too much time on her hands?
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31. Look, Planet of the Apes is on at 4:00.
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32. Hi, I'm Kurt, Willie's nanny.
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33. - Hi, I'm Fran. How you doing?
- Good.
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34. Okay if I use the phone?
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35. Yeah, sure. Just pick up line two.
I'm on line one with my mother.
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36. What are you doing?
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37. There might be something
wrong with your eyes.
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38. A handsome man just
walked through the door
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39. and you didn't do your usual
subtle Hanna-Barbera reaction.
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40. Heart pounding through your thorax.
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41. Tongue unfurling and landing on the floor.
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42. Niles, please, the man's gay.
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43. Now, how do you know that?
You barely spoke two words to each other.
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44. Well, first of all,
I was instantly attracted to him.
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45. Which means he's definitely unavailable.
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46. Plus, did you see that upper body?
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47. Trust me. He's either gay
or a priest with a Soloflex.
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48. Miss Fine, you're mad.
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49. Yeah? All right.
Well, watch this, Mr. Know-It-All.
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50. Kurt, who understudied
Carol Channing in Dolly?
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51. - Jo Anne Worley.
- Hello.
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52. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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53. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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54. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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55. So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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56. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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57. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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58. That's how she became the Nanny
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59. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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60. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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61. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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62. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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63. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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64. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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65. I can never get Willie to take a nap.
You're amazing.
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66. I'm telling you, turkey makes you tired.
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67. Why do you think
they serve it at Thanksgiving?
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68. How else can you spend eight hours
with your entire family
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69. unless half of them pass out?
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70. What I wouldn't give
for Jimmy Smits' body.
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71. Hey, you and me both.
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72. Meanwhile, I watch and watch, the only one
taking a shower is Dennis Franz.
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73. Can you believe
David Caruso left that show?
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74. - Actors.
- I'm an actor.
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75. Smart, very smart.
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76. Is it okay if I use the phone again?
My agent asked me to call him.
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77. - Absolutely. Maybe you got a job.
- No. He's just a sadist.
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78. But then, I'm addicted to rejection,
so we both get a kick.
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79. Look who's home. How'd the game go?
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80. That depends
if you're on our team or theirs.
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81. Maxwell, it wasn't my fault.
I couldn't understand your signals.
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82. C.C., how many things can this mean?
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83. Run!
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84. Next time try yelling, "Last call."
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85. Niles. Dear, sweet,
I-manage-your-pension-plan Niles.
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86. May I get you some tea?
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87. You know, I don't mind that we lost.
I mean, at least I made it to first base.
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88. You never even made it out of the dugout.
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89. I know.
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90. Mr. Sheffield, wait a minute.
I think you got some grass stains there.
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91. No, no. Looking good.
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92. Mr. Sheffield, Kurt Jacobs.
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93. I was the understudy
in your production of Equus.
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94. Kurt, yes, of course. I didn't recognize
you without the big horse head.
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95. Hello, Kurt.
Remember me, C.C. Babcock?
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96. No.
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97. I'm the producer who hired you?
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98. Right, right, right. You cut your hair.
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99. - Hey, it looks really fabulous—
- Knock it off, Kurt.
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100. - So how are you? Are you working?
- Yes. I'm a nanny.
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101. How awful for you.
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102. For a minute there,
I almost took that the wrong way.
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103. So, Kurt, you're a nanny.
Well, that's wonderful.
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104. - Children are our greatest resource.
- Daddy.
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105. Not now, Margaret.
I'm talking to our guest.
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106. Well, it's been nice talking to you.
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107. Come on, you wanna watch
a little All My Children?
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108. Gee, I hope it was okay to tape it
over this movie tape.
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109. "Brighton learns to walk."
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110. Isn't that funny?
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111. I never even heard that name Brighton
until I started working—
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112. Hey, look who's up.
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113. Wow, you guys really nodded off.
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114. Can we go see The Lion King again?
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115. I'm sorry, sweetie. You're a little late.
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116. The two of you slept right through
the last show.
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117. Besides, I got hakunas
coming out of my matatas.
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118. It's only playing at one theater?
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119. Yes. All the parents got together
and insisted.
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120. Well, come on, don't go anywhere.
We're gonna watch All My Children.
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121. Listen, I haven't seen this soap
in seven months. Catch me up.
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122. Well, they're still at Erica's party.
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123. And the new guy slept with
what's-her-face's sister.
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124. P.S., she's late,
which means she's pregnant.
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125. - Did you hear what they said?
- What?
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126. I was late for The Lion King
because we slept together.
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127. - So?
- So, P.S., I'm pregnant!
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128. I'd better get a job.
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129. - Miss Fine not back yet?
- No, sir.
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130. She and Kurt went to the movies,
then for cappuccinos in Greenwich Village.
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131. - Do you think they might've got lost?
- No, sir.
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132. I think Kurt knows his way
around cappuccino country.
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133. Kurt, stop it! I can't laugh anymore!
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134. He does Meryl Streep in Out of Africa.
It's to die for. Do it.
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135. "I had a farm in Africa—"
Well, he does it better.
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136. Fran, I think Mr. Sheffield
has already seen me overact.
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137. Well, I guess I could do it
for you if you want, but I won't.
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138. - Meet you upstairs, Fran.
- Okay. I'll be up in a few minutes.
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139. Kurt's going to help me decide
what clothes to return.
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140. Visa raised my limit. Well, I showed them.
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141. I hope you don't mind.
I know your rule about men in my room.
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142. Well, Miss Fine,
it's a little different with Kurt.
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143. He's more like your friend Val,
only with a five-o'clock shadow.
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144. You've never seen Val at five.
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145. I'll tell you,
it is just so easy being with Kurt.
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146. I mean, I don't have to act like
I give a damn about the Super Bowl.
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147. And wherever we go, we go Dutch treat.
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148. Although that part I could live without.
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149. But on the upside,
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150. I can eat a side of beef
in front of him and belch up a hoof.
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151. - Wanna hand me a plate?
- Yeah.
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152. Well, I think you two are ideally suited.
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153. You're both charming, outgoing people
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154. terrifically preoccupied
with your appearance.
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155. I know, I know. We both
just get right down to what's important.
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156. I'll tell you, if he was straight,
I'd bring him home to my mother.
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157. Well, that's something I'm sure
he can be grateful for.
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158. I'll tell you,
it's just the story of my life.
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159. I mean, we can have
such a beautiful future together.
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160. We both want the same things. Except one.
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161. No, actually, we both want that thing too.
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162. Well, I know this one's going back.
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163. Wait, didn't you wear that yesterday?
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164. Yeah, but I didn't break a sweat.
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165. So tell me,
is your mother a natural blond too?
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166. Yeah. Fran, look at this.
I gotta shave again.
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167. I'm telling you something,
you women have it easy.
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168. Honey, talk to me when
you've got a tongue depressor
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169. full of hot beeswax
coming at your bikini line.
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170. - Now, this is fabulous.
- Yeah? Zip me up.
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171. Lots of easy access too.
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172. Good. And I wasn't sure
if the message would get across.
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173. This shows off
all my most sensitive areas.
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174. Here, here, here, here—
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175. Well, almost all my most sensitive areas.
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176. Hey, remember those puzzles
where you had to connect the dots?
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177. Yeah, yeah. Stop it, Kurt.
I'm very ticklish.
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178. Sort of like those College Boards
where you had to fill in the dots.
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179. Kurt.
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180. - What's tiramisu?
- I have no idea.
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181. Oh, my God! You're not gay?
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182. You're straight? I can't believe this.
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183. This dress is going back.
It's too slutty even for me.
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184. When did you find out you were straight?
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185. And does your mother know?
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186. What'd she do? Dress you in boys' clothes?
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187. Fran, come out of the closet.
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188. No. You go back into the closet.
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189. I cannot believe I told you what I do
for yeast infections.
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190. I poured Correctol in front of you.
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191. You saw me without makeup on!
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192. Fran, look, if you liked me
when you thought I was gay,
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193. you're gonna love me now.
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194. Come on, Fran.
Don't you feel the same way I do?
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195. - Well, good night, Miss— Miss Fine!
- Mr. Sheffield.
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196. I'm really sorry, Mr. Sheffield.
Boy, this is incredibly embarrassing.
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197. Kurt, you have absolutely nothing
to feel embarrassed about.
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198. Miss Fine, will you leave
this poor man alone.
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199. - What?
- I'm so sorry about this, Kurt.
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200. You must be feeling terrible.
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201. Oh, my God,
she's got lipstick all over you.
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202. He might have a significant other.
Did you ever stop to think of that?
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203. Kurt, you better go.
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204. Mr. Sheffield's gonna hurt himself
jumping to conclusions.
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205. - I'll call you tomorrow, Fran.
- Okay.
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206. What was that? What was that thing
that just happened there?
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207. Well, I got a news flash for you.
Kurt is a flaming heterosexual.
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208. Not a bad little kisser either.
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209. All right. While you're here,
tell me, should I take this back?
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210. I think you should put it on.
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211. No. I already had it on.
It flattens out my—
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212. Mr. Sheffield,
why didn't you say anything?
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213. Well, I— I didn't notice.
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214. You didn't—? You know,
I'm beginning to wonder about you too.
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215. I can't get it on. I'm stuck.
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216. - Help me, help me!
- Relax, Miss Fine, we'll get it on!
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217. Don't rip it.
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218. - Mr. Sheffield, I'm so hot.
- I can't do this standing up.
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219. Just— Just get on the bed!
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220. If you let me tell Miss Babcock
about this, I'll work free for a year.
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221. I brought you some pickles and ice cream.
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222. I'm so nauseous,
and my ankles are swollen.
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223. I hate you! You did this to me!
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224. I know. I just wish I knew how.
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225. I'm just so worried.
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226. Are we doing the right thing
bringing a child into this world?
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227. Boy, could those kids play house or what?
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228. Just as I thought.
Kurt's teeth are capped.
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229. - What?
- No, I'm not making it up.
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230. Look, look, you can see
the little ridges. See.
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231. Maxwell, what is wrong with you today?
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232. If you're not gonna pay any attention
to me, I might as well just go home.
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233. Taxi!
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234. I have three words for you:
Orange County bonds.
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235. Mr. Sheffield, I got a couple of things
to talk to you about.
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236. Number one:
Do not use the downstairs bathroom.
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237. - Number two?
- Exactly.
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238. Thank you, Miss Fine.
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239. You know, I've just been going
through Kurt's résumé.
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240. - Are you thinking of giving him a job?
- Well, yes.
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241. - Let's see what he's suited for.
- Okay.
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242. Man in crowd, man at stadium,
man in parade.
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243. - Well, he was in Forrest Gump.
- Yes, there it is. Man at rally.
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244. That was him?
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245. Well, aren't you a laugh riot.
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246. What have you got,
Buddy and Sally under the desk?
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247. Meanwhile, your son wants
to talk to you. Go ahead, honey.
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248. Dad, I know you wanna get me
into sports and everything,
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249. but why do you always do shows
with old ladies?
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250. Well, excuse me.
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251. Most people would be honored to be
on a team with Katherine Hepburn.
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252. Yeah, but did you have
to make her catcher?
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253. Put it there. Put it there.
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254. I mean, how do you pitch to that?
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255. Well, I guess I'm gonna go upstairs
and get ready for my date with Kurt.
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256. Nanny Fine.
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257. Trying to pass off Kurt as a date.
How pathetic.
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258. This from a woman who went to Cancun
with a crash dummy.
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259. Haven't you heard, C.C.?
It appears our Kurt is straight.
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260. That's impossible.
We worked together for several months.
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261. There was absolutely no sexual tension.
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262. Well...
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263. Well, I couldn't be happier
that Nanny Fine finally found a man.
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264. And what are you looking so smug about?
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265. Just an incident in
Miss Fine's room last night.
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266. - With her and Kurt?
- No, with her and another man.
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267. - I love it. Tell me, tell me.
- No, I couldn't possibly.
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268. I swore I wouldn't say a word. Read this.
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269. Why?
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270. I wanna die.
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271. There, there. Now, don't do anything rash.
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272. - Good night, C.C.
- You animal!
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273. - Niles?
- Sir?
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274. You didn't say anything to
C.C. about last night, did you?
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275. No. You told me not to.
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276. Good.
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277. Niles, do you—? Do you think I've been
a little too rough on Miss Fine?
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278. Well, she seemed to enjoy it, sir.
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279. I'm not talking about last night.
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280. Niles, I don't know.
It's this thing with her and Kurt.
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281. Why is it gnawing at me like this?
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282. Well, perhaps you feel that
he's not the right man for her.
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283. That she'd be happier with someone else.
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284. That's absurd.
They're perfectly suited to each other.
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285. So why do I find it so bloody irritating?
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286. Dear, that was the last apple.
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287. - I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?
- Well, yes, sir.
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288. But I didn't realize I wanted it until
someone else had sunk his teeth into it.
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289. And now it's too late.
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290. God, it was right there in front of me.
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291. If only I'd snatched it
when I had the chance,
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292. I wouldn't have this aching hunger.
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293. Good God, man, have a bloody pear.
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294. - Hi, Niles.
- Miss Fine, going out with Kurt?
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295. I guess so.
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296. Well, you don't seem very excited.
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297. I know, I should be nuts about the guy.
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298. I mean, he knows everything about me,
and he's still interested.
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299. I don't know. Maybe that's it.
There's no mystery.
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300. It's like when you watch Columbo.
Ten minutes into it, you know who did it.
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301. And you spend the rest of the hour
trying to figure which is the glass eye.
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302. Niles, what's wrong with me?
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303. Oh, dear, that was the last pear.
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304. I'm sorry. Did you want it?
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305. Yes, but I didn't realize I wanted it
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306. until someone else
had sunk his teeth into it.
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307. Well, you snooze, you lose.
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308. Hey, kids,
what are you two still doing up?
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309. Niles was supposed
to put you to bed an hour ago.
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310. Niles.
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311. - This is not my fault.
- Yeah.
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312. They gave me turkey.
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313. - Good night.
- Good night.
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314. - Nine minus seven?
- Two.
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315. - What are you doing?
- I'm timing her subtractions.
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316. - Three seconds.
- It's time!
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317. No. We can't have the baby now!
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318. I don't know how to get to the hospital!
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319. Hold it, honey, honey. Calm down.
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320. Gracie, you're not really
having a baby, honey.
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321. But you said when two people
sleep together and the girl is late—
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322. I was late for The Lion King.
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323. That's what you were listening to?
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324. "Don't put peas up your nose,"
I have to say nine times.
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325. Sweetie, you are definitely not pregnant.
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326. And if you were,
we would call in Geraldo immediately.
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327. - I'm not?
- No.
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328. Thank God. I'd like to get
a figure before I lose it.
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329. Come on, you two, it's time for bed.
Boy, you two are just so cute.
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330. You go upstairs and have sweet dreams.
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331. Willie, you sleep in Brighton's room.
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332. - Miss Fine, good, you're home.
- Hi.
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333. I— I wanted to apologize for the way
I behaved about you and Kurt.
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334. Well, if I didn't know any better,
I would think that you were jealous.
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335. Please, Miss— Miss Fine.
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336. No. I— I was just concerned
about the children.
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337. I thought they'd get attached to Kurt.
Then when you break up, they'd be upset.
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338. Well, why are you so quick to say,
"when we break up"?
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339. How come you assume
my relationships won't work out?
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340. - Well, how's it going?
- It didn't work out.
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341. Did you part amicably?
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342. No, not at all. It was very friendly.
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343. Well, don't worry, Miss Fine.
If it isn't Kurt, it will be someone else.
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344. - Good night, Miss Fine.
- Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
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345. You know, I'm not asking for much, really.
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346. I just want someone that's going
in the same direction as me.
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347. I know exactly what you mean.
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348. - Miss Fine
- What?
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349. I think you sat in something.
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350. Nope, looking good.
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351. Really, Ma?
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