The Nanny 2x18

Ann Morgan Guilbert as Yetta Rosenberg • George Murdock as Dakota Williams • Roger Clinton, Jr. as Roger Clinton

In an attempt to score a play by award-winning playwright Dakota Williams, Fran and Maxwell set him up to go out with Yetta. The romantic sparks are there—but the play's script may not be.

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1. Gracie, I think it's so sweet that you're writing the president a letter.

2. I mean, he really needs some cheering up.

3. First, he loses the House and the Senate...

4. then he jogs to McDonald's and finds out a McLean has ten grams of fat.

5. Ten? What about those Chicken McNuggets?

6. Niles, so that's how you got those McLove handles.

7. Fran, I don't know what's right.

8. What's the right way to address the man who runs our entire country?

9. Dear Newt?

10. Don't be so smart, you.

11. B, you're a good writer. Go help your sister.

12. - If it's a nice letter, forget it. - Why? What are you? A Republican?

13. - I've got a trust fund. I'm no boob. - Go.

14. Maxwell, if he wants the damn play, let him have it.

15. - It isn't even finished. - Who?

16. Andrew Lloyd Webber.

17. Look, C.C., I found this play first.

18. I want to produce it. Just once, I want to be on top.

19. I want you on top too, Maxwell.

20. You're just not going to win. You might as well give up.

21. C'est la vie.

22. "La vie."

23. Why shouldn't he try for it? His shows are just as good.

24. As good as Phantom of the Opera?

25. Maxwell, for your own good, give up. It's a futile fight.

26. For God's sake, I know when I'm licked.

27. Just give me a minute to get that image out of my head.

28. Nope, nope. Gonna have to live with it.

29. It is reassuring to know that if anything happens to me...

30. you're here to continue my work.

31. Well, maybe she's right.

32. I should just withdraw the offer.

33. That way it won't look like I've lost to him again.

34. Lost? You haven't even begun to fight.

35. Mr. Sheffield, the only thing that Andrew Lloyd Webber has

36. that you don't is a middle name.

37. - I've got a middle name. - Well, there you are. What is it?

38. - Beverly. - Moving on.

39. Okay. Here's something else that you have that he doesn't.

40. - Yeah? What's that, Ms. Fine? - Me. Right, Niles?

41. What about a Whopper?

42. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

43. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

44. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

45. So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

46. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

47. She had style, she had flair She was there

48. That's how she became the Nanny

49. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

50. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

51. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

52. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

53. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

54. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

55. Fran, you know, Clifford, that geek at my school?

56. Honey, you know, he's not such a geek.

57. Not everyone can pull off mittens clipped to their sleeves.

58. - Well, he offered to help me on my PSAT's. - Yeah?

59. But I can't be seen with him.

60. Sweetie, it's the '90s. Le geek, c'est chic.

61. See, here's the progression: pocket protector...

62. software genius, compound in Malibu.

63. Listen to me. You'll be smart.

64. Meanwhile, I'm a maid.

65. It's all set. I'm taking the playwright to dinner.

66. I happen to know he fancies himself as a bit of a ladies' man,

67. so I thought maybe I'd set him up with Cindy.

68. Nothing like a supermodel on the rebound.

69. Now, you see, Mr. Sheffield?

70. That's why you're wearing Donna Karan and I'm wearing—

71. Actually, I'm wear Donna Karan too but they cut the label out.

72. So, what's this guy like?

73. Dakota Williams? He's an elderly Southern gentleman.

74. You know, a real man's man, drinking, chain-smoking, plain-talking.

75. Gee, and you want to fix him up with Cindy Crawford.

76. I don't know. From Richard Gere to Yosemite Sam?

77. You know what? Leave everything to me. I have just the gal for you.

78. Cheap, foul-mouthed, finds secondhand smoke a big turn on.

79. Ms. Fine, you wouldn't want to go out with him.

80. I didn't mean me.

81. I hate smoke.

82. You think you can convince your friend to go out with him?

83. I don't know. She's gotta be willing to have cocktails in a mansion,

84. dinner at a five-star restaurant and ride around all night in a limo

85. with some famous guy who's too old to jump her.

86. Gonna be tough.

87. Niles, you must be particularly attentive to Mr. Williams this evening.

88. I want his visit here to be first-class in every way.

89. Yeah, Niles, stay on your toes.

90. Oh, my toes.

91. There you are, Ms. Fine. Now guess what.

92. After dinner, I've chartered a boat to take us around Manhattan

93. with a Cajun blues band I've flown in from New Orleans.

94. Mr. Sheffield, now you're showing some gumbos.

95. He's here.

96. Nanny Fine, take a powder.

97. Now, now, C.C., if it weren't for Ms. Fine,

98. we wouldn't be entertaining a Pulitzer Prize winner here this evening.

99. Pulitzer Clearing House? How much did he win?

100. Ms. Fine, take a powder.

101. Mr. Dakota Williams.

102. I'm just Dak to you all.

103. - Welcome. - I do not stand on ceremony.

104. And just to prove it, I'll drink anything you got.

105. - As long as it's sour mash whiskey. - We got that, all right.

106. - Don't we, Niles? - What are you, nuts? Sir...

107. I'm C.C. Babcock, Mr. Williams.

108. Your plays are so profound.

109. Where do you get your inspiration?

110. Give me an uptight alcoholic spinster, and I'll give you a play.

111. Sugar, sugar, sugar.

112. Little darling, who are you?

113. Hi, I'm Fran Fine.

114. I was the lead in one of your plays in high school.

115. Because of my accent, everyone thought I was from the South.

116. It must have been an amazing production.

117. When I played the death scene with "My Mammy":

118. "How I loved her, how I loved her."

119. Anyway, there wasn't a dry eye in Flushing.

120. Flushing? Like a toilet?

121. On a good day.

122. Sheffield, this is one saucy woman.

123. We gonna get along like two June bugs on a summer picnic.

124. Well, actually— Actually, she's not your date.

125. No.

126. Your date's even cruder.

127. Yes, much.

128. - I'll get that. - Me too.

129. Ms. Fine, I can taste victory already.

130. And it's all you. I have you to thank.

131. You ain't seen nothing yet. Wait till you get a load of the chick I fixed him with.

132. I'm sorry I'm late.

133. I had to dig up a brassiere that hooks in the front.

134. What? No good?

135. Are you out of your bloody mind?

136. Look who's here, Bob's Big Boy.

137. Ms. Fine...

138. you fixed up America's foremost living playwright with a woman

139. whose greatest attribute is making rice that doesn't stick together?

140. He was smiling when he met her.

141. - He's drunk out of his mind. - All right. She's on painkillers.

142. Maybe neither of them will realize they're together.

143. Ms. Fine, Ms. Fine.

144. - Haven't I been good to you? - Yes, you have.

145. - Gave you a job when you needed one? - Yes, you did.

146. All the Slim-Fast bars you could eat?

147. And how do you repay me?

148. I was just trying to be the woman behind the man.

149. How would you like to be the woman behind the Burger King counter?

150. The one on 57th Street is hiring.

151. You know, for a minute there when I saw Yetta,

152. I thought that she was Dakota's date.

153. Let me tell her in lieu of a Christmas bonus.

154. No!

155. It's your fault. Maxwell, let's kill her.

156. C.C., I prefer to do this without any witnesses.

157. Niles.

158. Mr. Sheffield, let me just tell you my thinking.

159. Andrew Lloyd Webber would have never thought

160. to fix him up with someone like Grandma Yetta!

161. Well, Nanny Fine finally dug a hole deep enough to bury her and her hair.

162. Ms. Babcock, you have a little something...

163. Well, give me that.

164. How do I look?

165. Yummy.

166. All right. Would you keep it down. We've got company.

167. - C.C.? - What?

168. What on earth happened to your face?

169. She cut herself shaving.

170. So, anyway, 30 years I'm thinking

171. it's a beauty mark.

172. Suddenly I wake up, it's the size of Danny DeVito.

173. - Yetta! - Yetta!

174. That's nothing.

175. I got something that looks like a gas cap off a '64 Corvair

176. growing on my butt.

177. We believe you. We believe you.

178. I got something for you. But first I gotta take off my girdle.

179. You little tease.

180. You're such a turn-on.

181. Did you hear that? Yetta, big turn-on!

182. Excuse me, Mr. Williams.

183. I know we could all go on and on about Yetta.

184. Hell, she turns me on.

185. But why don't we see if we can't work out a deal

186. before you're sober— Supper, your supper.

187. Sheffield, is this how you do business?

188. Just show me where to sign.

189. Come on, honeysuckle.

190. It's all body language.

191. Watch the walk.

192. Ms. Fine, you never cease to amaze me.

193. Well, I don't know why you're so shocked.

194. I mean, you asked me to fix the man up with someone.

195. I followed my instincts.

196. Simple, yet bonusworthy.

197. Ms. Fine, I could just kiss you.

198. Could have, should have, would have, but didn't.

199. Stop it. You're embarrassing me.

200. He keeps calling me his right arm.

201. Ms. Fine, you have more lives than Garfield.

202. Niles, lox, eggs and onions.

203. Yes. Grandma Yetta left her breakfast order on the door knob

204. before she went to bed.

205. Well, when she sleeps over, she always thinks she's at the Fountain Bleu.

206. If you want to make a buck,

207. tie your shirt into a calypso knot and serve her a piña colada.

208. Ms. Fine.

209. Coming! I'm feeling a little short. Time to get on my pedestal.

210. There she is.

211. - Who? - My right arm.

212. Stop it. You're embarrassing me.

213. I'm sorry, Ms. Fine. I just can't help it.

214. I own Dakota Williams' next play.

215. I finally beat Andrew Lloyd Webber,

216. and it wouldn't have happened if it weren't for you.

217. You did it all yourself.

218. I was merely your...

219. - Right arm. - Stop it. You're em— It's you.

220. - Good morning. - Good morning.

221. I'll have some of everything.

222. I'm on the American plan.

223. So, tell me, did the dinner last night go well? You got home so late.

224. She was quite the little vixen.

225. Yetta, you didn't drop anything under the table and go look for it, did you?

226. One time. Just to see if I still had it.

227. God, that was you?

228. That was you?

229. Do you two want to be alone?

230. Meanwhile...

231. Dak and I are a match made in heaven.

232. I like dark meat. He likes light.

233. I could hear the movie. He could see it.

234. I got a right lung. He's got a left.

235. But the best part is he's retired.

236. No, no, he's not retired yet, Yetta. He's still got a play to finish.

237. Good luck. The man hasn't written a word in 20 years.

238. Yetta, you're confused. Mr. Sheffield just bought his play.

239. That's right. The first act's on my desk right now.

240. Did you happen to notice it was written with a quill pen?

241. What is she saying?

242. I'm saying, don't hold your breath for the second act.

243. The man's got writer's blockage.

244. Oh, no. Oh, God.

245. Thank you for introducing us.

246. Most guys my age are senile.

247. I'll be in the gift shop.

248. All right. Let's— Let's recap.

249. I now own a play that is totally worthless,

250. and Andrew Webber does not.

251. My right arm is strangely silent.

252. Did it have a stroke?

253. It's thinking.

254. Try and follow me for a minute here.

255. Why would Dak sign a deal with you

256. when he could have signed a deal with Andrew Lloyd Webber?

257. - Because my plays are just as good. - No, really.

258. It's because of Yetta.

259. You know, he might back out of the deal if she dumps him.

260. Wait, wait, Ms. Fine, Dak is the most exciting man Yetta's ever met.

261. I mean, what would possibly make her leave him?

262. Well, she had her eye on the couch in the lobby.

263. Yetta...

264. I hate when they don't put prices on things.

265. Where do you start?

266. Look, Yetta, I know you've grown very fond of Dak, but...

267. well, you should know he drinks far too much.

268. He swears like a sailor, and, well, frankly, he's a scoundrel with women.

269. Mr. Sheffield, are you trying to talk her out of it or into it?

270. Let me handle this.

271. Yetta, you gotta break up with him.

272. Why? He's cute, and he's loaded.

273. If we got married, someday this would all be yours.

274. What are we really doing here?

275. No, wait a minute. I can't do this.

276. I can't ask her to give up her last chance for happiness

277. just so I can get out of a bloody business deal.

278. Hold it. This was business?

279. I was just a cheap tawdry sex toy?

280. Why does this always happen to me?

281. I'm very sorry, Yetta.

282. Hey, I was there.

283. How could you not use me?

284. Business is important.

285. I myself am an "entremanure."

286. My family's going to have to stop breeding.

287. Franny, let me talk to your husband in private.

288. You wanna talk business, here's the deal.

289. I'll give up Dak if you quit fooling around with the blond.

290. Shame on you!

291. Look what you got.

292. Mags, lighten up. What's with the ongeblozn punim?

293. - Onge what? - Sourpuss.

294. A face like that kept Molly Ringwald from a film career as an adult.

295. Fran, the worst thing has happened.

296. The computer nerd asked me out.

297. So he's getting a little interactive.

298. Fran, I don't want to go out with him.

299. He'll wear that hat with those ear flaps.

300. Honey, let me impart some wisdom on you.

301. My mother always dressed my father in leisure suits...

302. and no one has ever stolen him away.

303. Fran, you don't understand.

304. My best friend Whitney's going out with a football player who is so studly.

305. All right, honey. Let me just give you the progression here:

306. Star quarterback, pulled groin, beer gut,

307. "Can I check your oil, please?"

308. Maxwell, I'm coming in, and I have terrible news.

309. Isn't that redundant?

310. C.C., nothing can spoil this perfect day.

311. Just about now, Andrew Lloyd Webber is probably realizing

312. that he owns Dakota Williams' long-awaited opus named

313. "You Better Like Act 1 Because There Ain't No Act 2."

314. I read, "Dakota Williams closes a deal with Andrew Lloyd Webber

315. to produce his new play...

316. which he finished in one night."

317. Ms. Fine.

318. Are you doing the hokey-pokey and you need your right-arm in?

319. I'd take it out before he shakes it all about.

320. Webber stole our playwright.

321. Well, tell us something we don't know.

322. All right.

323. "The playwright was inspired to complete the deeply personal project

324. by a recent bout of unrequited love.

325. In contrast to his usual heroine, the pivotal character is an earthy,

326. elderly, Hebraic woman named Zetta."

327. Ever since I started working here, I don't need a treadmill.

328. I have to get Ms. Grace. Mr. Clinton's here.

329. Clinton? The president?

330. He knows Barbra Streisand.

331. This is so exciting. Who are you?

332. I'm Roger Clinton.

333. Do you know Streisand?

334. Well, I was at the inauguration, but I had terrible seats.

335. Ms. Fine, you haven't been dismissed. I haven't finished with you yet.

336. Not now, Mr. Sheffield. We have company.

337. Roger Clinton is here.

338. Why?

339. Well, your daughter wrote my brother a letter.

340. And he was so touched by it,

341. he asked me to stop by while I was in town.

342. - Where's the president? - Honey, he couldn't make it.

343. But his brother came instead.

344. Isn't this exciting?

345. Honey, go get your camera.

346. - Why would I want a picture—? - Go!

347. You know, Mr. Clinton, Ms. Fine here is a great admirer

348. and supporter of your entire family.

349. Yes, I am.

350. Thank you. That's nice to hear.

351. As a matter of fact, you should send for her in '96.

352. Yes. She is an inspiration to have in your corner.

353. Well, I'll tell Bill.

354. You know, he's always looking for a good right arm.

355. Mr. Sheffield, that was so nice of you.

356. You know, I thought you were a Republican.

357. I am.

358. Thank you for my gift.

359. Well, Yetta, I just hope you enjoy it.

360. You know, for the club chair, I would have put out.

361. Well, that's what happens when you get involved with an "entremanure."