1. Oh, wow.
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2. Look at all these memories.
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3. Ma could never throw anything
of mine away.
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4. Darling, get all your crap out of here.
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5. I'm converting the storage room
into a den for your father.
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6. Ma, this is a den by you?
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7. Why don't you just strap him to the wall
and slap an iron mask on his face?
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8. You kids.
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9. We're not into that.
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10. Oh, look, my old stewardess costume.
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11. For Halloween, I went
as Karen Black from Airport '75.
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12. "Oh, my God, the pilot's been sucked out."
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13. Oh, wow. These are cool.
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14. Oh, my old platforms.
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15. I used to boogie-oogie-oogie
till I just couldn't boogie no more.
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16. - You want?
- Sure.
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17. Oh, look, your father's first piece.
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18. He loved Ringo.
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19. Oh, it takes me back.
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20. Now sing.
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21. Yeah, yeah, yeah
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22. Ma, look at this.
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23. This is my "Win a Date with Erik Estrada"
entry form.
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24. You were supposed to mail this in 1979.
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25. All right, give it to me. I got a tax form
from '81 that's gotta go.
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26. Fran, how come all these kids are green?
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27. Oh, my camp picture got moldy.
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28. Oh, please let this be a fat year.
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29. Oh, what difference does it make?
That stupid Judy Silverman
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30. always jumped in front of me
every time I went to take a picture.
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31. She was so threatened by me.
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32. Why? Because you were prettier than her?
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33. Well, yeah, that. And also because
I actually threatened her.
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34. She always had to be one up on me,
you know?
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35. I mean, sometimes she succeeded,
sometimes an Ex-Laxed hot cocoa
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36. kept her out of color war.
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37. This is scary. Look, it's a naked picture
of that guy from Evening Shade.
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38. Oh, gross.
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39. Oh, my Burt Reynolds Cosmo centerfold.
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40. - Darling, that's mine.
- No, Ma, you laminated yours.
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41. - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
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42. Well, I guess that's more than Loni got.
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43. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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44. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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45. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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46. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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47. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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48. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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49. That's how she became the Nanny
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50. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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51. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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52. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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53. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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54. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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55. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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56. - Okay, Fran, where do you want these?
- Oh, my old schoolbooks.
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57. Looking for Mr. Goodbar,
Valley of the Dolls.
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58. Intro to Chemistry?
How'd that get in there?
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59. What exactly are a person's loins?
And how do you get them to quiver?
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60. Give me that.
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61. You know what, stick this in my closet.
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62. Better yet, put it under my bed.
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63. Oh, Niles, look at what I brought home.
Doesn't it smell real?
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64. You mean, it's not?
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65. No. You know what the secret is?
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66. You dust it with Lemon Pledge.
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67. Why don't you take it,
put it in your room?
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68. - Cheer it up a little bit.
- Oh, that's really nice.
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69. Meanwhile, what are you wearing
to the Camp Kindervelt reunion?
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70. Oh, I'm not going to that.
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71. I don't need Judy Silverman
rubbing her gorgeous, successful,
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72. handsome, rich husband in my face.
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73. - Maybe she's still single.
- Oh, Val, you're confusing her with us.
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74. Judy was already narrowing
the groom side to 30
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75. while we were still bobbing
in the lake shouting, "Marco! Polo!"
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76. So, you're not gonna go?
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77. Not unless I can go on the arm
of a drop-dead gorgeous guy.
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78. Look, tell Giorgio I love his suits
but I am not posing for GQ.
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79. I'm a businessman, not a bloody model.
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80. Wouldn't hurt if he was loaded either.
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81. And what would I do
with another Lamborghini?
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82. Hey, why don't you ask Mr. Sheffield
to take you?
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83. Oh, Val, where do you come up
with these ideas?
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84. Why not? It's just a favor.
He's a friend, and you do for him.
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85. You know, you're right.
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86. He's always schlepping me
to those premieres.
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87. I'm in and out of limos.
I have to remember all those names.
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88. Donald, Marla.
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89. Woody, Mia. I had to write
Soon-Yi's name on my wrist.
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90. - Fran, these shoes fit great!
- Oh, good, honey, I'm glad.
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91. Gee, I love those platforms.
Wonder why I stopped wearing them.
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92. I'm okay!
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93. Maxwell, it's freezing out here.
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94. Quit smoking, C.C.,
and you can come inside.
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95. Niles, get that hideous thing
off the terrace, would you?
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96. Mr. Sheffield wants you
to get off the terrace.
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97. Maxwell, why can't I smoke inside?
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98. C.C., if you want to ruin your own health,
that's your business,
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99. but Niles is allergic.
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100. Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
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101. What do you want?
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102. Nothing.
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103. Can't a friend come in
and say hello to another friend?
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104. Hello, friend.
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105. You're sitting on John Malkovich.
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106. I don't hear him complaining.
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107. Get up.
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108. Now I forgot what I came in here
to ask you.
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109. Oh, yeah. My camp is having
a big reunion this weekend.
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110. What are you doing Friday night?
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111. Friday. Friday. Friday, Friday,
Friday, Friday, Friday, Friday.
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112. Oh, Meeting of the Tony committee,
what a shame. Blast.
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113. If it was any other night...
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114. Lucky you, it's really Saturday.
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115. A blind man in New Jersey
saw that one coming, sir.
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116. Miss Fine, I hate reunions.
I didn't even go to my own at Eton.
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117. Oh, yes, you did, sir. Don't you remember?
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118. You were sulking in the corner because
everyone was kissing Jeremy Irons' ass—
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119. pirin, Q-Tips and ChapStick. Well...
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120. I'm off to the drugstore.
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121. Come on, Mr. Sheffield, what do you say?
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122. Goodbye?
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123. Oh, I can't believe this.
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124. After all the favors
that I've done for you.
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125. You schlep me on that yacht,
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126. on a Sunday yet, all the way up to Newport
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127. just so you and the kids
can hang out with Claus.
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128. Meanwhile, I'm upstairs with Sunny,
the woman doesn't say two words.
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129. Can you believe I actually considered
calling my ex-fiancé Danny
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130. to see if he'd take me to this reunion?
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131. How low can I stoop?
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132. What are you doing Saturday night?
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133. As cute a couple as we'd make,
I have a date with a sure thing.
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134. Just don't leave your wallet
on the dresser.
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135. Fran, I hung your psychopathic poster
in my room.
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136. That's "psychedelic," honey.
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137. Yep, Niles, in the old days,
you could hallucinate a date.
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138. Oh, God, Andrew Lloyd Webber's
done it again.
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139. Just got the rights to a show
I've been after for years.
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140. You know, just for once, Niles,
I'd love to top him.
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141. Well, now you know how Miss Fine
feels about Judy Silverman.
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142. I'm sorry, sir. I know it hurts,
but it's my job.
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143. Oh, all right.
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144. I suppose it would be very thrilling
for her to walk in with me.
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145. Your blue suit is back from the cleaners.
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146. Oh, no, Niles, that's much too
"Here I am, Mr. Big Famous Producer."
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147. I think the green tweed,
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148. - that's very smart.
- Good choice, sir.
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149. Oh, there's no time to take it
to the cleaners.
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150. You'll have to press it yourself.
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151. Fix the lining in the right sleeve,
would you?
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152. Oh, and mend the buttons.
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153. Just snazz it up a bit, would you?
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154. Did you say the green tweed, sir?
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155. Don't you think it makes you
look rather...
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156. - Rather what?
- Well, tubby.
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157. Nice try, Niles.
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158. I'm wearing the green tweed.
Go on, get on it.
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159. "Niles doesn't have anything to do.
He can go upstairs and snazz it up."
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160. How do you keep from twisting
your ankle in those things?
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161. Oh, you don't. That's what bell-bottoms
were for, to hide the swelling.
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162. - What's this for?
- Oh, that's my disco whistle.
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163. Twirl that chandelier.
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164. I'm lookin' for some hot stuff
Baby, this evenin'
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165. Hot stuff, baby, tonight
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166. I'm lookin' for some hot stuff—
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167. Fran?
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168. I'll get it.
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169. - Hi.
- Hi.
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170. How are you?
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171. I'm looking for a Fran Fine.
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172. Oh, hi, Ponch. Ponch?
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173. Oh, my.
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174. You are muy bonita.
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175. Gracias.
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176. Wow, great smile.
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177. Oh, don't look at it directly.
It's like an eclipse.
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178. So, are you here to see Mr. Sheffield?
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179. No, Fran, he's here to see you.
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180. We sent him your old "Win a Date
with Erik Estrada" entry form.
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181. My manager thought it would be a fun
thing to do. You know, for publicity.
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182. Don't you have a big reunion
tomorrow night?
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183. - Yeah.
- Well, I'm the hombre who's taking you.
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184. Oh, my God. This is...
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185. Amazing. It's like a dream.
How could this be?
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186. We told him how desperate you were.
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187. Oh, thank you!
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188. - Well, then, I'll see you tomorrow night.
- Okay.
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189. Oh, by the way, is it formal?
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190. Oh, Erik, whatever you wear
will be just fine.
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191. You wouldn't happen to have your old
CHiPs uniform?
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192. Oh, no, that would be a push.
That would be a push.
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193. Adios.
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194. Hasta Spumante, baby.
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195. Oh, is he caliente or what?
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196. Oh, thanks, you guys.
You're wonderful. I love you.
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197. I gotta go call Val.
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198. Hold on to your hat, Miss Fine.
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199. I've decided I will escort you
to your reunion.
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200. Val, sit. You are not going to believe
who's taking me to the reunion.
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201. Judy Silverman will die.
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202. Well, she may be a little impressed.
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203. Well, he's gorgeous, he's foreign
and he's got a head of hair
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204. that you can lose a hand in.
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205. - Well—
- I'm going with Erik Estrada!
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206. Who?
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207. No, Val, this is not like the time
I said I was going out
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208. with Jan-Michael Vincent. Bye.
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209. Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.
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210. I see you're wearing a green tweed jacket.
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211. Yes, why?
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212. Just makes you look a little tubby.
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213. - Niles, what's the occasion?
- It's for you.
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214. Congratulations on quitting smoking.
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215. Oh, Niles, when you quit smoking, you have
to be very careful not to gain weight.
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216. Oh, really?
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217. Last time I quit, I gained 25 pounds.
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218. Éclairs are ready.
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219. Oh, only six more hours to Erik Estrada.
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220. Mr. Sheffield wants to see you.
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221. Well, that can only mean one thing.
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222. Take the back stairs.
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223. - Miss Fine.
- What, have you got me LoJacked?
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224. We have a problem.
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225. Why do you always go straight to me?
Niles could have done it.
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226. Yep, Niles is no angel.
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227. Brighton's English teacher
faxed this over.
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228. The assignment was to write
from personal experience.
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229. Read it.
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230. "Isabel. How do I describe Isabel?
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231. She was part woman, part little girl.
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232. I felt her heaving bosom in my—" Oy.
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233. Well, what are you looking at me for?
The only Isabel I know is Sanford.
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234. And if Brighton is fantasizing
about Weezie,
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235. this problem's bigger than both of us.
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236. I have to get back to work.
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237. See this is rewritten by Monday,
would you, Miss Fine?
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238. Oh, but I don't feel like doing
homework on the weekend.
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239. Yoo-hoo, Miss Babcock...
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240. teatime.
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241. Doesn't this Ponch character
do anything on this show
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242. but ride a motorcycle?
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243. Well, there does seem to be a crime wave
involving big-busted women
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244. in halter tops driving Corvettes.
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245. This is absurd. There are
more close-ups of his rear end
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246. than of his partner's face.
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247. That's the way I would've directed it.
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248. Stop it, C.C.,
you've been driving me crazy all week.
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249. Now smoke!
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250. Maxwell, I am wearing the patch.
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251. If I light a cigarette right now,
my heart will stop.
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252. Oh, I can't even breathe.
I can't believe this.
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253. My hair came out too big,
my dress is too small.
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254. - Really? I think it's a little subdued.
- No.
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255. I'd go up another inch or two.
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256. Oh, Dad, you should see his Harley.
It's so cool.
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257. It's like the beginning of The Wild One.
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258. What are they so excited about? I rode
a motorcycle, too. Remember, at Eton?
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259. I believe that was a moped, sir...
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260. with a grocery basket on the front.
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261. Well, it was bloody good on the curves.
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262. - Wow, Fran.
- Hi, Erik.
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263. You look great.
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264. That dress is almost as tight
as my CHiPs uniform.
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265. Buenos nachos.
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266. I'd like you to meet my mother,
from Frito-Lay.
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267. And this is my boss, Maxwell Sheffield,
the big famous producer.
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268. - Miss Fine, I'm sure he knows who I am.
- No.
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269. - What TV shows have you done?
- None.
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270. - I produce theater.
- So, how'd you get the house?
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271. You know, mosquitoes aren't so bad.
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272. Tastes like chicken.
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273. - Hi, Fran.
- Hi, Fran.
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274. Attention all campers, look who I've got.
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275. Fran, it's really Erik Estrada. I'm dying.
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276. - You look gorgeous.
- Oh, thanks.
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277. - Take off the helmet.
- No.
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278. Fran, you can't wear a helmet all night.
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279. Why? Madonna wears two traffic cones
strapped on her chest.
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280. Fran.
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281. Oh, all right.
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282. Did I deflate? I gotta see.
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283. Well, Fran...
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284. seems your friends got a big kick
out of this, but I gotta split.
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285. - It was great meeting you, though.
- Wait a minute.
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286. Where are you going?
Judy Silverman hasn't even shown up yet.
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287. I'm taking my wife and kids to see
Beauty and the Beast.
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288. - Didn't they tell you?
- I never met your wife and kids.
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289. I meant my manager.
You know, this was all publicity.
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290. Right, of course.
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291. Well, it was nice meeting you.
And thank you for coming
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292. and enjoy the show.
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293. Bye-bye.
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294. Adios.
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295. I liked the blond guy better!
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296. Come on, Val, let's get out of here
before that stupid Judy— Silverman!
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297. - Hi.
- Fran.
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298. Judy!
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299. So, you here alone?
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300. Me, alone?
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301. Yeah, right.
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302. Wait right here. You gotta meet my fiancé.
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303. Great, I won't budge.
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304. - Let's get the hell out of here.
- All right. Don't run off, now.
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305. I wanna meet your guy, too.
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306. Val, here's a 20. Give it to the janitor.
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307. Tell him to run a comb through his hair.
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308. Too late. Here they come.
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309. This is Fran.
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310. - Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
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311. So, where's your guy?
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312. My guy?
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313. My guy.
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314. We're talking about my guy.
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315. - Well, to tell you the truth, Judy—
- Hello, darling.
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316. You're her date?
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317. I'm not sure that "date"
would be the right word.
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318. We've been living together
for, what, over a year now.
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319. Yeah, did you remember
to turn the alarm on, honey?
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320. The mansion next to ours
was robbed. It was so scary.
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321. Well, this is Blake Glickman, my fiancé.
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322. We're very much in love.
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323. Well, pleased to meet you.
Maxwell Sheffield.
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324. How do you do— Maxwell Sheffield?
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325. I was in one of your revivals!
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326. Seventy-six trombones led the big parade
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327. With 110 cornets close at hand
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328. That's where I met Kent.
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329. That's the last time I feed your cat
when you're on the road.
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330. Boy, are their kids gonna be good-looking.
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331. Miss Fine, what about a little turn
around the dance floor?
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332. Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
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333. - Fran!
- Val, I'll dance with you later. I promise.
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334. Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?
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335. Well, just after you left,
Mr. Estrada's publicist called
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336. to confirm dinner reservations
for after the show.
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337. So, I thought maybe you'd have
some room left on your dance card.
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338. Oy, you're a doll.
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339. - You look lovely tonight.
- Even with the hair?
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340. Oh, I like it. You can actually see
over your head.
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341. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'll never forget
that you did this for me tonight.
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342. Well, I know how much it meant to you.
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343. Mr. Sheffield, you are
quite a little dancer there.
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344. Everyone's staring at us.
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345. What do you say we give them an eyeful?
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346. Okay.
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347. Oh, I remember
when I had to get rid of my stuff
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348. when they turned my room into a den.
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349. Val, you're still living at home.
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350. I know. You'd think they'd wake me
so I could get off the pool table
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351. before they break.
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352. Thank God they installed a wet bar.
At least you can shower.
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