The Nanny 2x14

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Rachel Chagall as Val Toriello • Roger Kern as Raymond Turnboat • Heidi Thompson as The mysterious person in bandages • Marvin Nathan as Cousin Ira

Maxwell refuses to divulge the identity of the celebrity recuperating from surgery in the Sheffields' house.

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1. Fran thinks this is scary? Some Egyptian guy wrapped up in Charmin?

2. This is so wussy.

3. Boo!

4. Oh, I used to love doing that to Ma.

5. Thank God for plastic slipcovers.

6. Oh, Gracie, honey, isn't this a little too intense for you?

7. No, I'm fine with this. It's 60 Minutes I can't take.

8. Do you know what goes on in a chicken processing plant?

9. - Your pizza. - Yummy.

10. I'm so glad we ordered from this place.

11. Not only do they give you extra cheese, but you get a free beverage.

12. Okay. Dig in.

13. - I only want one slice. - Me too. Pizza is very fattening.

14. Fran, that's two.

15. No, honey, not when you eat it like this. The body doesn't know.

16. This is so bogus. Horror films today are much more realistic.

17. Oh, right.

18. Whenever I'm in a cabin in the woods,

19. the first thing I do is just rip off my top and start dancing the frug.

20. You know, we should go camping.

21. In classic horror films, violence is never shown.

22. I believe it was Alfred Hitchcock who said,

23. "There's nothing more frightening than an unopened door."

24. Niles, show our visitor to the guestroom, would you?

25. - Right this way. - Thank you.

26. Good night, Miss Fine.

27. "Good night, Miss Fine"? Is there something you'd like to tell me?

28. "Pleasant dreams." "See you in the morning." What?

29. Oh, I don't know. How was your day?

30. The weather? King Tut in the trench coat?

31. I'd rather not discuss that, if you don't mind.

32. We simply have a houseguest who's recovering from some surgery.

33. Oh, I get it. Some hotshot celeb.

34. A little nip, a little tuck. Hush, hush, right?

35. - Absolutely. - Well, smart you.

36. The less who know, the better. We'll just keep it between us.

37. All right, dish.

38. What does hell freezing over have to do with—?

39. Oh.

40. Good night, Miss Fine.

41. I can't believe you trust me to take care of your children,

42. you trust me to mail important documents,

43. and you don't trust me with one little itty-bitty secret?

44. That about sums it up.

45. - You're not gonna tell me who she is. - She is none of your business.

46. "She!" All right.

47. I know it's a woman. I know she's definitely not a redhead.

48. How do you know she's not a redhead?

49. A-ha!

50. Not a redhead.

51. Mr. Sheffield, you're in way over your head.

52. You might as well just tell me.

53. Look, all you've succeeded in doing is strengthening my resolve.

54. I'm not saying another word.

55. Hello. Hold on.

56. It's Larry Fortensky on the phone.

57. - Oh All right. I'll take it in the office. - Okay, okay.

58. Liz.

59. Say hello to your mother for me.

60. Hi, Ma.

61. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

62. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

63. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

64. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

65. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

66. She had style, she had flair She was there

67. That's how she became the Nanny

68. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

69. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

70. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

71. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

72. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

73. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

74. Hi, Miss Babcock.

75. Maxwell isn't here, and if it's about the children, I'm not interested.

76. And if it's about you, I'm really not interested.

77. - I just came in for a little girl talk. - With me?

78. Yeah. We're both women. I don't care what Niles says.

79. So tell me, who does he got up in that room?

80. It's just killing you, isn't it

81. That Maxwell and I have little secrets that you know nothing about?

82. He didn't tell you, either.

83. No. That tight-lipped little scone-head.

84. It's because we're women.

85. It's outrageous. Men think they can't trust us.

86. Well, it's insulting.

87. - Did you check the safe? - The first place I looked.

88. Oh, boy, this is just like Impossible.

89. Remember when the little Japanese ballerina would peel off her face,

90. and it would be Martin Landau?

91. I have located the black box.

92. His laptop computer. I can't believe he just leaves this lying around.

93. Miss Babcock. Babs, baby.

94. - Babby, honey. - I'm busy.

95. No, no, it's all right. I do this all the time.

96. How do you think I know where he is every minute of the day?

97. Now, what was his password?

98. - Busted? - No, Maxwell would never—

99. Oh, Maxwell. Thank God you're here.

100. I was just looking for the...

101. the...

102. file, and—

103. - Oh, I remember where I left that. - Stay out of the guestroom.

104. Oh, boy, you know, you'd think she'd have better things to do with her time

105. than rifling through your stuff.

106. So, what brings you here, Miss Fine?

107. Oh.

108. - No problem with the children? - Oh, no. Kids are wonderful.

109. - Household running okay? - Oh, like clockwork.

110. - Anything on fire? - No, no.

111. Then get out.

112. Oh.

113. You probably think that I'm snooping around like Miss Babcock.

114. Let me just tell you something.

115. It's pretty sad, a man in your position doesn't even know who he can trust.

116. Well, it can't be Loni, because she's in court.

117. Can't be Melanie Griffith, 'cause she's in court.

118. Christie Brinkley, court.

119. Court, court, rehab.

120. "Baby born with antler."

121. Wow, that sounds like the episiotomy from hell.

122. Hi, everybody.

123. Brighton Sheffield, what have you got there?

124. Oh, no, not another pet.

125. - What? I'm good with animals. - Well, let's see.

126. There were the goldfish, the hamsters, the white mice, the turtle.

127. Our back yard is practically a pet Boot Hill.

128. Meanwhile, the roses were gorgeous this year.

129. Oh, look, Brighton's got a bird. Polly want an afterlife?

130. Hey, my friend Justin has to get rid of it.

131. It's supposed to talk. All it says is, "Raymond loves Lola."

132. Does it deserve to die for that?

133. Niles, Raymond is Justin's dad. Lola is the upstairs maid.

134. Well, I bet they were bouncing more than quarters on those sheets.

135. Now, where was I?

136. Oh, look, Roseanne threw a party to burn her "Tom" tattoo off her butt.

137. What does one serve at a thing like that?

138. I don't know. But, at my cousin Steven's bris, they served tri-tip.

139. Niles, that's what you're serving to a celebrity for lunch?

140. - Give her a sandwich. - This is a sandwich.

141. She has to eat everything through a straw. It's vile.

142. Think Silence of the Lambs.

143. You know what? Let me bring it up to her.

144. I'm used to that sound.

145. You've obviously never seen my father working a chicken neck.

146. Nice try, Miss Fine.

147. Well, you know, Niles,

148. I mean, it's one thing for Mr. Sheffield to keep a secret from me,

149. but to give you such a slap in the face.

150. If I were you, I would walk myself right into his office,

151. and demand that he tell you who's up there.

152. Really loud.

153. Miss Fine, unlike you, I don't care who it is.

154. You know.

155. You betcha, baby.

156. Why would he tell you and not me?

157. Because Niles wasn't caught leading a conga line with my filing cabinet.

158. You know, I knew you misread that.

159. That was static cling.

160. What is it with women, Niles?

161. They always want to know what isn't their business,

162. so they can share it with other women whose business it also isn't.

163. Oh, if that isn't the most sexist thing I have ever heard.

164. Like men don't gab.

165. Miss Fine, men aren't interested in gossip.

166. Absolutely not. I tuned out when the Turnbolts' butler told me

167. about the little chippy the master has on the side.

168. Niles, that's old news. It was all over the steam room months ago.

169. Including the fact that he's put her up in an apartment in Trump Tower.

170. But, do they also know he had the entire thing done in leather?

171. No?

172. Which one of you girls is getting the bikini wax?

173. I'm sorry.

174. I'm sorry. Did you call me?

175. Good. You're sleeping.

176. Lullaby, and good night

177. You're too short to be Candice Bergen

178. Rule out Dolly Parton, too

179. You know, you're very brave. Surgery's not for me.

180. I'll stick with my thigh cream. It tingles cellulite away.

181. I don't know if it works, but I don't hate it.

182. - Fran? - You scared me.

183. Did you find out who it is yet?

184. - What did I tell you about snooping? - That there should always be a lookout.

185. - Good. Go wait in the hall. - Right.

186. Let's take a look at your eyes.

187. Brown.

188. Let's just see your mouth.

189. It's not a straw.

190. Oh, honey, what were you worried about your looks for?

191. Stop it.

192. That tickles.

193. Miss Fine.

194. Oh, yeah. Temperature's normal. Drink plenty of fluids.

195. Just what do you think you're doing here?

196. - Daddy's coming? - Right.

197. What do you have to say for yourself?

198. Well, I hope you don't think this is my fault.

199. Oh, of course not. Of course not. It's my fault.

200. Well, I forgive you. Now, let's get on with our lives.

201. You may not have one much longer.

202. Well, none of this would have happened if you had just told me who she was.

203. Cher.

204. Well, sharing is what it is all about.

205. - Cher. - I know. Don't tell me.

206. Talk to him. I give and give.

207. You know, she's really very good with children.

208. But, do you think that earns his trust? No. He still won't tell me who you are.

209. Cher.

210. I heard you.

211. Are you sure it wasn't a head injury?

212. Grammy, Emmy, Oscar.

213. Rita Moreno?

214. Maggie stuffs her bra.

215. Maggie stuffs her bra.

216. Come on, say it.

217. Master Brighton, stop torturing that bird. It's very cruel.

218. I think he's having a better day than that Cornish hen you've got your fist in.

219. All right. Let's pick up where we left off.

220. Miss Babcock's embezzling.

221. Miss Babcock's embezzling.

222. Oh, I can't believe Cher sucked on my finger.

223. Just listen carefully, Miss Fine. Cher trusts me to keep this thing quiet.

224. Oh, you know who would just die if they found out Cher was here?

225. You will, Miss Fine. You will die if anyone finds out.

226. My cousin Ira is her biggest fan.

227. He does an impersonation of her in a drop-dead gorgeous Bob Mackie gown.

228. I'll tell you, why she's a star and he's a kosher butcher.

229. Well, I guess it's all who you know.

230. Cousin Ira?

231. He's the best female impersonator to come out of Queens. No pun intended.

232. Oh, Miss Fine, just promise me you won't say a word about this to anyone.

233. Would you calm down? I can keep a secret.

234. Who am I gonna tell?

235. - Hi, Fran. - I can't tell.

236. Tell me what?

237. Who the celebrity is recovering from surgery up in the guest bedroom.

238. So, stop hounding me.

239. All right. So, can I have a soda, too?

240. Well, there's only one left. We'll have to share.

241. - What's wrong with you? - Nothing, nothing.

242. Can we please change the subject?

243. So, tell me, have your parents gotten that timeshare yet?

244. No. They decided they didn't like Florida.

245. Why? The weather's so nice and sunny.

246. It was a bad neighborhood.

247. Full of gypsies, tramps, and thieves?

248. Oh, my God, it's Cher.

249. Who told you?

250. Oh, wow, the house is surrounded by reporters.

251. Well, I wouldn't say surrounded.

252. I mean, they're just on three sides and the second-floor balcony.

253. I can't believe Dad didn't tell us Cher was staying here.

254. - How'd the press find out? - Oh, who knows?

255. Probably somebody blabbed to some friend.

256. Who's about to die.

257. Back, back, you journalistic spawn of Satan.

258. Thank you very much, and have a nice day.

259. One must be firm, but never rude.

260. Niles, I think you left Miss Babcock out there.

261. - Oh, did I? - Niles.

262. Oh, there she is.

263. Miss Fine!

264. Are you speaking to me?

265. Miss Fine, you've got some 'splaining to do.

266. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm sure you think I have something to do with that,

267. but they could have found out in a million different ways.

268. Such as?

269. Hey, guys, the bird's finally talking.

270. - Not now, Brighton. - Well, don't ignore the children.

271. You know, it's always business with you.

272. So, are you going to talk for us? Speak, pretty bird. Pretty bird.

273. Val, it's Cher. Could you plotz?

274. Val, I can't believe you blabbed.

275. - I only told one person. - Who?

276. My priest, Father Baretta.

277. That yenta?

278. - Was he wearing his collar? - No.

279. Val, how many times do I have to tell you, when they don't wear their collar

280. it's like they got their fingers crossed behind their back.

281. This is just like being called into the principal's office.

282. All right. Here's what we're gonna do.

283. It'll be just like in high school. I'll make up the story, you stick to it.

284. I was supposed to stick to it?

285. I'm gonna get suspended.

286. Sit.

287. I am most disappointed in you two ladies.

288. That's it, Val. We're not gonna get into college.

289. - So, you find this amusing, Miss Fine? - No, Mr. Sheffield.

290. I expected more from you two.

291. Tears won't work in this office, Ms. Toriello.

292. He's gonna call my mother.

293. Mr. Sheffield, please, let her go.

294. It was all my fault. I'll take the rap. Again.

295. Thanks, Fran. I gotta go to confession.

296. No names.

297. I just don't know what to say.

298. Thanks to you, Cher is a virtual prisoner in this house.

299. Mr. Sheffield,

300. if I told you that I had a way to solve everything,

301. would you forgive me?

302. Yes.

303. Got any ideas?

304. All right, ladies and gentlemen of the press,

305. Cher has agreed to this photo opportunity

306. in the hopes that you might finally agree to leave her alone.

307. All right. Thank you very much.

308. - Pardon me. Excuse me. - This had better work.

309. Would you relax? My cousin Ira will do a few bits from his act.

310. Before the press get wise, Cher will be out the kitchen door,

311. and back to pushing Detangleron QVC.

312. Honey, is Cousin Ira ready?

313. He's dressed like a lady.

314. I know. And I'll explain everything later. Thank you.

315. What?

316. Oh, I was just thinking, before you came into my life,

317. I never had the need for an emergency transvestite.

318. I'm telling you, Cousin Ira is gonna be the perfect distraction.

319. It can't fail.

320. Besides, there's no time to think of anything else.

321. I was five and he was six We rode on horses made of sticks

322. I wore black and you wore white You would always win the fight

323. Bang, bang, you shot me down

324. Bang, bang, I hit the ground

325. Bang, bang, that awful sound

326. Bang, bang

327. Where was the last place he passed for Cher, SeaWorld?

328. Oh, well, Cher just had surgery. We'll tell them she's still on cortisone.

329. Well, the press certainly loved Cousin Ira.

330. You know, my aunt Reni makes all of his costumes.

331. That thong he was wearing used to be their hammock.

332. Yes, he was riveting. Especially the part where his leotard failed.

333. I know, I mean, I've heard of runs but never a blowout.

334. Well, at least Cher got out safe and sound.

335. Yeah. Although, I'm afraid Cousin Ira's having one hell of a time hailing a cab.

336. - All's well that ends well, eh? - Yeah.

337. I hope you finally learned your lesson

338. about the consequences of idle female gossip.

339. Excuse me, sir. Mr. Turnbolt to see you.

340. Raymond, what are you doing here?

341. My son wants his bird back.

342. Oh, and by the way, I hope the press wasn't too much of an inconvenience?

343. - Press? - Yes, I'm the one that tipped them off.

344. You knew Cher was staying in the house?

345. Yeah. Max told me in the steam room.

346. You promised not to tell.

347. And, you promised not to tell about my girlfriend in Trump Tower.

348. I guess that makes us square.

349. Well...

350. Good night, Miss Fine.