1. Morning, Niles.
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2. God save the queen.
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3. I don't look too much
like a roll of Lifesavers?
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4. Yes, but the flavor goes on and on.
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5. Oh, Niles. It's always the quiet ones.
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6. I wanna wear this to Mr. Sheffield's
big opening night,
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7. but I gotta practice sitting in it.
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8. That looks natural.
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9. Well, maybe if I sat on the aisle?
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10. Oh, thanks.
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11. Well, here it is, a full-page ad
in today's paper.
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12. "Opening tonight: Norma,
a musical adaptation of Norma Rae,
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13. produced by Maxwell Sheffield
and C.C. Boobcock"?
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14. "Boobcock"?
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15. I proofread this ad copy myself.
And then I gave it to Niles
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16. to send to the messen... ger.
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17. Oh, how embarrassing.
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18. Someone at that ad agency
must have it in for you.
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19. Oh, who would have thought
that I would love a musical
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20. about a union organizer sorely
in need of dress shields?
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21. But I'll tell you, I'm still humming
the sweatshop number.
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22. So, Niles, you haven't told me
what you thought of the preview.
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23. Oh, it was wonderful, sir.
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24. Those three hours and 15 minutes
flew by like three hours and ten.
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25. Yes, and what a novel idea
not to have an intermission.
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26. Yes, thank you.
I'm very proud of the show.
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27. Well, you should be. I know
my whole family is gonna see it.
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28. We're union workers from way back.
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29. My Aunt Tessie was "or blouse."
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30. - What's "or blouse"?
- You know, from the commercial:
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31. Look for the union label
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32. When you are buying
A coat, dress or blouse
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33. Yes, well, let's all break a leg tonight,
shall we?
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34. Oh, you won't need luck, Mr. Sheffield,
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35. not with the hit play
you've got on your hands, mister.
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36. Niles, I'm not kissing up.
It's a very important play.
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37. If I don't sit through it again,
how am I gonna get to the party?
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38. Come on.
Don't you wanna hobnob with celebrities?
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39. I've been to scores of these
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40. and as yet no one has "hobbed" my "nobs."
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41. Well, maybe you should try wearing
something a little more low-cut.
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42. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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43. Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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44. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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45. So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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46. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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47. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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48. That's how she became the Nanny
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49. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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50. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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51. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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52. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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53. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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54. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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55. Fran, what do you think about this one?
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56. Oh, honey, that is entirely too revealing.
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57. No, no, no.
It makes you look cheap and tawdry.
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58. Go put it back in my closet.
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59. Fran, Brighton says he can see up
my dress when I wear my Mary Janes.
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60. Oh, sweetie, don't listen to him.
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61. They make you look very lucky.
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62. Oh, I see you're wearing the new
Barbie underpants I bought you.
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63. Can I go to that new mall in Jersey
with Kyle and a couple of guys?
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64. Which Kyle? The one with the braces
or the one that smells like cheese?
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65. - Cheese.
- Oh, good. The other one's weird.
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66. - How you gonna get there?
- His brother's driving.
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67. - How long has he had his license?
- A while.
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68. "A while," 10 years,
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69. or "a while," he still looks like
the picture on his license?
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70. Oh, B, I don't think so.
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71. I don't want you getting into a car
with a bunch of boys
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72. that just drive fast and act fresh,
and then the next thing you know,
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73. you're hitchhiking on the Jersey Turnpike,
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74. wearing much too much makeup
for your age—
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75. I'm having a hypoglycemic attack.
I better have a Godiva.
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76. Oh, cheer up, honey.
Hey, I've been to that mall.
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77. They don't even have a Judy's there.
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78. Besides, tonight's your father's
big opening night.
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79. What if you got stuck in traffic?
Then you'd miss the whole thing.
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80. I'm not that lucky.
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81. Nougat.
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82. Say, Dad, could I go to the mall
with Kyle?
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83. Well, I don't know.
What does Miss Fine say?
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84. Well, you see, she was
kind of leaning towards no.
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85. But between you and me, I think
she's just a little overprotective.
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86. Which is fine for the girls, but
sometimes a man needs to get away.
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87. - Maxwell.
- I know what you mean.
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88. Well, all right. Off you go. Have fun.
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89. Yes!
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90. terday, all my troubles
Seemed so faraway
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91. Now it looks as though
They're here to stay
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92. Well, the good news is, B,
I'm usually a very fair nanny.
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93. The bad news is,
it's the 28th day of the month.
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94. Niles, how long are you
gonna polish that couch?
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95. The fumes are rather overwhelming.
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96. After a while, you don't notice them, sir.
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97. I couldn't resist the infomercial.
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98. Unwanted dirt just slides right off.
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99. Voilà.
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100. Cheers. Must be 5:00 somewhere.
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101. I haven't been drinking, Nanny Fine.
I just...
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102. Slid off the couch.
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103. And Ted Kennedy's nose
is just sun-damaged.
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104. - Mr. Sheffield, you got a second?
- Yes.
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105. - Well, Brighton—
- Time's up.
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106. Goodbye, Nanny Fine.
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107. Oh, you're in a good mood.
Well, I'll take care of that.
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108. Well, this sounds like a must-miss.
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109. I have to pick up my dress
from the cleaners anyway.
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110. It's also an excellent floor polish.
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111. All right, Miss Fine.
What's all this about Brighton?
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112. Well, we've got a little problem.
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113. Brighton knew I didn't want him
to go to the mall,
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114. so he used you to undermine me.
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115. No. In all fairness, he made it
perfectly clear you'd already said no.
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116. Oh, well, then I take it back.
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117. We don't have a little problem.
We've got a big problem.
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118. Miss Fine, don't you think
you're being just a bit overprotective?
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119. Well, it's a guy thing.
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120. I thought it was appropriate
to just let him go.
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121. And just how did you think
he was getting to Jersey?
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122. He's going to Jersey?
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123. Just for the future, Mr. Sheffield,
when the kids say:
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124. "Fran said no," that's the big robot
saying, "Danger, Will Robinson!"
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125. You know, I could have stayed in England.
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126. I'll make it simple for you.
Children are like a brassiere.
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127. One part of me says
get out the window quick.
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128. But the other part just has to know why.
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129. Because they divide and separate.
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130. - Your mother never told you that?
- No.
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131. But we always thought Mummy should
have talked more about her underwear.
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132. My point is that you have to give me
full support.
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133. You must back me up no matter what.
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134. All right, Miss Fine, I promise.
If you promise no brassiere analogies.
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135. Cross my heart.
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136. I don't want to hear
that you don't wanna go tonight.
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137. That man works very hard
to put a roof over your head.
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138. Now stop whining
and go put on your party clothes.
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139. Oh, all right.
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140. - Don't give me that look.
- What look?
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141. Oh, the look of anticipation, sir.
It's only four hours till Norma.
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142. Just try to hold on, man.
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143. Do you smell cheese?
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144. Oh, that's Kyle.
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145. I'm going to the mall, like you said.
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146. I've changed my mind.
Brighton, you're staying home.
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147. And when Miss Fine says no, it means no.
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148. Good afternoon, monster— Master Kyle.
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149. Dad, nothing's gonna happen.
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150. Look, I think I've made myself
perfectly clear.
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151. Is someone making grilled cheese?
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152. I think Kyle's just a little overheated.
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153. Take your coat off, honey.
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154. Hello, I'm Peter Bidwall.
I'll be driving the boys to the mall.
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155. You must be Mr. Sheffield.
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156. - Yes.
- How do you do, sir?
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157. I saw your last play. Brilliant.
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158. Really? What was your favorite part?
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159. - Mr. Sheffield.
- Now, Miss Fine,
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160. he seems like a responsible young man.
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161. Too bad that he's not the one driving.
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162. - What?
- I'll bet you dollars for donuts
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163. that this kid is the decoy.
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164. We used to send Bridgett O'Malley
in her parochial uniform to the door.
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165. Meanwhile, behind the wheel
is sitting Debbie Cutler,
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166. burning her boyfriend's initials
in her forearm.
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167. Watch and learn.
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168. Lovely home you have here.
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169. Peter, I've never met you before.
Where do you go to school?
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170. Right around the corner.
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171. Who you studying with,
Hammacher or Schlemmer?
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172. Schlemmer?
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173. Okay. Where'd they dig you up from?
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174. The Gap.
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175. - How much are they paying you?
- Twenty.
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176. Twenty? Boy, Bridgett used to do it
for a pack of Kents.
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177. Well, you're busted, you guys.
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178. Sorry, guys. No refunds.
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179. Kyle, you paid him?
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180. Well, if he's not driving,
then I'm not going. Get out.
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181. Oh, man, that was close.
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182. - Brighton—
- Allow me, Miss Fine.
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183. Brighton, you are grounded.
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184. And furthermore,
you're not going to the show tonight.
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185. But I've only seen it once.
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186. You should have thought of that before.
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187. Oh, well.
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188. Freeze.
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189. Mr. Sheffield,
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190. I think you're being
just a little too severe.
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191. He's really a good boy.
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192. No, I'm not.
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193. I'm bad. Very bad.
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194. He wants to come with us
and see the play again.
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195. All three acts.
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196. Well...
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197. Oh, but I don't deserve it.
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198. Oh, baby, you do.
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199. You really do.
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200. Mr. Sheffield, another opening,
another shrimp— Show.
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201. What were those two women
behind you complaining about?
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202. Oh, who knows? Something
about not being able to see.
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203. What do you think, Niles? Niles?
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204. The Knicks are up by two.
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205. Maxwell, the photographers
want to take a picture of us.
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206. Go on, Nanny Fine, free shrimp.
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207. You don't have to tell me twice.
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208. Mr. Sheffield, can we get a photo
of you and Miss Boobcock?
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209. Right. Now, shall we?
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210. Wait a minute. Are the busboys on strike?
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211. Oh, my God, those poor people.
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212. Who's gonna clear their tables?
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213. Miss Fine, after you.
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214. Mr. Sheffield, I can't go in there.
My mother had three rules:
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215. Never make contact with a public toilet,
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216. never ever, ever, ever cross
a picket line.
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217. What was the third one? Oh, yeah.
Never wear musk oil to the zoo.
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218. Miss Fine, you're embarrassing me.
Now come along.
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219. I can't. My Aunt Or Blouse
would roll over in her grave,
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220. which was paid for by her union.
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221. Now, will you please come in
before this turns into a spectacle?
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222. - No, I can't. Stop it.
- Would you— Let go, Miss Fine!
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223. - Would you please— Would you—
- No! No!
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224. Oh, Niles. Boy, did I ruin
Mr. Sheffield's big night last night.
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225. Well, you know what I'll do
just to defuse the situation?
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226. I'll tell him how adorable he is,
compliment him on his accent.
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227. And if that fails,
I can always turn on the tears.
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228. He's a real sucker for crying.
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229. - Hi, Niles.
- Hello.
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230. Can you drop me off at Unemployment?
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231. Good morning, Miss Fine.
Entertainment section, please, Niles.
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232. Don't bother.
I've already scoured the paper.
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233. I didn't see any mention
of our little incident.
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234. It was a coupon?
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235. Let's imagine what this picture
would've look liked.
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236. Miss Fine!
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237. How could you do this to me?
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238. Well, I'm sorry. But the Fines
don't cross picket lines.
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239. It's against our religion.
Like eating pork.
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240. - Well, you eat bacon.
- No, I don't.
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241. You most certainly do too.
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242. All right. But only if it's very crispy
or in a club sandwich.
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243. - And don't ever tell my grandmother.
- She eats it as well.
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244. Oh, all right, we all do.
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245. Mr. Sheffield, what part of England
do you come from?
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246. You have such a gorgeous accent.
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247. Miss Fine.
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248. Well, you don't understand anything.
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249. Oh, I understand
a lot more than you think.
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250. Oh, what's the use? You blue bloods
just don't know from us blue collars.
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251. So now I don't appreciate
the plight of the working man.
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252. Look, I have a job.
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253. I'm a working stiff
just like the next guy.
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254. Oh, Niles, what is this on my shoe?
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255. Daddy, I need the limo.
I have a riding lesson after school.
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256. But I have a playdate with Ivanka Trump.
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257. Well, one of you will just have to take
the Town Car, won't you?
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258. There, see? We have problems
just like everyone else.
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259. Maxwell, you are never gonna believe
what happened.
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260. There was a message
on your answering machine.
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261. No, no. The box office does— No.
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262. The box office doesn't open for an hour.
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263. There's already a line around the block
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264. and Sally Jessy Rafael
wants us on her show today.
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265. Oh, I love her. She's the best.
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266. You know, Oprah goes up and down,
but Sally maintains her ideal weight.
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267. C.C., Sally isn't inviting us
to chat up the show.
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268. She wants to talk about
that bloody picket-line incident.
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269. Maxwell, Maxwell, Maxwell, she isn't
gonna be the only one with a mike.
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270. I will just paint Nanny Fine
as a disgruntled nut.
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271. "Disgruntled nut"? That could work.
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272. Well, maybe we should go. I suppose
I could try some damage control.
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273. Maxwell, leave it to me.
I can fix anything.
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274. You can fix anything?
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275. C.C., there is a billboard in
Times Square that says "Boobcock."
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276. - Where's Steadman?
- That's Oprah. This is Sally.
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277. Five, four, three, two...
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278. Well, today we have the producers
of Norma,
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279. which opened on Broadway yesterday.
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280. To rave reviews, I might add.
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281. See, I told you you were worried
about nothing.
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282. Max, isn't it ironic
that you are producing a play
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283. that is pro-union
and yet you were photographed
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284. dragging an employee
across the picket line?
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285. I know. I know.
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286. Oh, would you look
at the size of that picture.
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287. I wonder how much it would cost
to get that framed.
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288. Well, Sally, first of all,
I want to go on record as saying
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289. that Norma employs
nearly 300 union members.
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290. Nanny Fine is a disgruntled nut.
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291. Oh, look, my name's on TV.
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292. Well, look at who we have here.
Fran Fine, the nanny.
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293. - Hi, Sally.
- Why don't you join them on-stage?
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294. Oh, no, I couldn't. I—
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295. Well, for the people.
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296. Why don't you move over, Miss Boobcock.
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297. Max, did you know that there was a strike?
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298. Well, no, of course not, Sally.
But what was I supposed to do?
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299. Everyone was already inside. I mean,
cast members, celebrities, the press.
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300. I called Beefsteak Charlie's.
They don't have a booth for 312.
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301. Wow, that's a lot of important people.
What did you expect him to do, Fran?
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302. Fran? Fran?
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303. I'm sorry.
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304. Well, you know, I understood
why he crossed the picket line.
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305. Why can't he understand why I couldn't?
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306. I thought we were supposed
to back each other up no matter what.
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307. So I'm just supposed to play
along with everything you say?
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308. Apparently I'm supposed
to play along with everything you say.
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309. Hold it, folks. What— Max, what
are we really talking about here?
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310. - I mean, in one word.
- Support.
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311. - Good. Fran, in one word.
- One word? Good bloody luck.
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312. Hey, Mr. They-Had-to-Turn-the-Music-On
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313. to-Get-You-Off-the-Stage-
at-the-Tony-Awards.
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314. Kids. Maxwell, will you at least concede
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315. that perhaps you could have been
a little bit more sympathetic
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316. to Fran's feelings on the picket line?
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317. Well, I suppose I...
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318. Maybe might...
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319. Could've been.
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320. I missed that, Sally. You're gonna
have to send me a transcript.
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321. Look, it was a very important night
for me.
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322. You're important to me.
Ergo, I wanted you there.
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323. "Ergo"? Who's Ergo?
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324. Sally, Sally. Look— Look, girlfriend,
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325. didn't you hear what the man just said?
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326. He said you're important to him.
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327. Is that what you said?
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328. Yes.
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329. Well, why can't they just communicate?
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330. You know, if we were running
the world, there'd be no wars.
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331. - Right, girls?
- Yeah.
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332. Right. Right. Because—
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333. Because there'd be so much bloody talk,
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334. there'd be no time for war,
isn't that true, gentlemen?
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335. Boy, that Sally
is one fantastic interviewer.
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336. She gets things out of you
that you didn't even know were there.
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337. That tax shelter where you hid that money,
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338. I don't know how that came out.
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339. Well, it wasn't a total disaster.
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340. Seems our appearance shamed the hotel
into settling with the busboys.
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341. That makes me feel good.
'Cause, you know, they work so hard.
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342. And all they really needed was to be
treated with a little human dignity.
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343. I thought you'd like that.
They settled for $8 an hour.
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344. What? For bringing water
that you have to ask 16 times for?
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345. And then they take your plate
before you're through.
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346. Well, then you know
they're eating it in the back.
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347. Oh, Niles, we are gonna have to get
organized. We're being exploited.
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348. Amen. Would you like some foie gras?
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349. No, I've had it up to here with beluga.
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350. Yes, life is tough, isn't it, folks?
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351. He should only walk a mile in my shoes.
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352. Oh, Miss Fine, you can't walk a mile
in your shoes.
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353. - Or blouse
- Or blouse
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354. Oh, Sally is very classy.
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355. The way she handled
those bisexual Siamese twins,
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356. I'll tell you,
Geraldo really sensationalized it,
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357. but Sally handled it with a plum.
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358. That's "aplomb," Miss Fine.
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359. No, it was a plum.
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360. What the devil do bisexual Siamese
twins have to do with a plum?
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361. It was pretty amazing.
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