The Nanny 2x11

1. Oh, Niles, this is an excellent issue of Vanity Fair.

2. - Oh, really? What's in it? - Obsession.

3. Article, article, article.

4. Oh, Safari.

5. Article, article, article.

6. Mel Gibson.

7. He has a cologne?

8. No.

9. So now, which one's Mr. Sheffield and which one's Miss Fine?

10. She named her hamster after me.

11. - How can you tell them apart? - Fran's the fat one.

12. She's not fat, she just has big hair.

13. Oh, no, Mr. Sheffield is fighting with Miss Fine.

14. - They're not fighting. He's having— - Mr. Sheffield,

15. get off of Miss Fine. Miss Fine has a headache.

16. Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield has already fallen asleep.

17. Okay, kids, go bring Miss Fine upstairs and give her a chew stick.

18. She's not satisfied.

19. Miss Fine, this month's Soap Opera Hair Magazine has arrived.

20. - The "Bigger is Better" issue? - With a free sample.

21. Oh, this is like Hanukkah in July.

22. Fran, I can't believe you're doing that.

23. Why, honey? Did you think that I got this fullness naturally?

24. Oh, no. This is just the outer shell.

25. Inside I've got gel, mousse, volumizer.

26. There's a whole infrastructure going on in there.

27. The only difference between me and the Kingdome is AstroTurf.

28. Fran, don't you care about ecology?

29. There are chemicals in here that are unsafe.

30. Some of that stuff is toxic.

31. Honey, you wanna clean up toxic waste, start with Brighton's bathroom.

32. Fran, I'm serious. Give me that.

33. Oh, no, no, I didn't do the tendrils yet.

34. Oh, boy, I'm getting a weird flashback here,

35. only you're me and I'm my mother.

36. What are you talking about?

37. I was young too once, out to save the world.

38. So you were, like, an activist in the '60s?

39. Seventies. Late.

40. Nuclear power, animal rights, cyclamates.

41. - Cyclamates? - Oh, yeah, it was a big controversy.

42. Lemon Tab was never the same.

43. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

44. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

45. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

46. So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

47. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

48. She had style, she had flair She was there

49. That's how she became the Nanny

50. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

51. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

52. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

53. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

54. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

55. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

56. Mr. Sheffield, if you were my cousin Marsha and you saw me in this dress,

57. - what would you do? - I'd tell you you look fabulous

58. then trash you the moment you left the room.

59. - And? - Eat an entire Sara Lee pound cake?

60. There you go.

61. For a minute there, I thought I was gonna have to change.

62. Isn't it a little sedate for you, Nanny Fine?

63. You don't look like you're getting a sailor to buy you a champagne cocktail.

64. Where you headed, a funeral?

65. As a matter of fact, I am. My Great Aunt Mema Fager.

66. She was 104.

67. - Well, how'd she die? - Childbirth.

68. Fran, tell Dad he's being totally unfair.

69. Mr. Sheffield, you're being totally unfair.

70. What is it I'm trying to get him to do, again?

71. Mark and I wanna go to an all-night Save the Earth poetry reading.

72. Oh, right, what's the big deal?

73. Maggie and Mark wanna go to an all-night Save the Earth— All night?

74. Oh, honey, kiss it off.

75. Fran, they're having a candlelight vigil for animal rights.

76. Oh, that reminds me, I gotta pick up the pastrami platter.

77. You know, if it sits too long, it gets that rainbow-patina thing happening.

78. I can't believe you.

79. Is this what happens when you turn 21?

80. - Twenty-one. - Don't mock the child, Niles.

81. Look, Maggie, why don't you and your friends

82. take it in turns to save the planet.

83. You take the day shift and someone whose parents are out of town

84. could take the night.

85. Oh, fine. I'll go stand in the hole in the ozone layer.

86. Be sure to wear sun block.

87. Well Miss Fine, It's refreshing to have you on my side for a change.

88. Oh, that. I read somewhere that the primary caregiver

89. should always agree with the guy that writes the checks.

90. Thank you for your support.

91. But for your information, I am too young to be on the pig side of a generation gap.

92. Huff and puff as much as you like, Miss Fine.

93. This little piggy is not letting her go.

94. That doesn't mean I'm not thrilled Margaret has a social conscience.

95. I just wish there were more people like her.

96. Oh, aren't these elephant tusks exquisite.

97. They came from that cute little poacher in Kenya.

98. And here I thought you'd had your wisdom teeth pulled.

99. So when you're watching Gorillas in the Mist,

100. you're thinking, "In a fajita, I bet they're not so bad."

101. It was a gorgeous funeral.

102. Mema Fager didn't look so hot, may she rest in peace.

103. She could never pull it together for a special occasion.

104. You know, when my time comes, I don't want no open casket.

105. I don't trust no one to put on my makeup but me.

106. How's the corned beef?

107. Fatty, Daddy. No good.

108. What do you do when you like something, eat the CorningWare?

109. So, when are you due?

110. Grandma, I'm not pregnant.

111. So stop eating.

112. Morty, turn the set down!

113. We're mourning in here.

114. Meanwhile, explain to me green carnations on a casket.

115. St. Patty didn't drop dead.

116. Why couldn't their side spend a little on flowers like we did?

117. Syl, their side never did as well as us.

118. What well? My daughter's a maid.

119. Nanny, Ma.

120. Meanwhile, I wonder who got the coat.

121. - What coat? - Mema's mink.

122. She slept with it more than she slept with Oscar.

123. Mema's husband's name was Louie.

124. Yeah. So where are you not following me?

125. Oh, well, I guess it wasn't the mortician that put that smile on her face.

126. Maybe we should see what's in the envelope Uncle Dave gave us.

127. I think it's a copy of the will.

128. You know, I always offered to drive her to her check-ups,

129. even after the bladder went.

130. Save it, Marsha. It's already written.

131. She's not coming back with an eraser.

132. Aunt Frida got Mema's diamond wedding ring.

133. I wanted that.

134. Cousin Judy got the blender.

135. I could have used that.

136. Uncle Maury got the pasta machine.

137. That they could have.

138. Who cares about their side. Let's get to our side.

139. Their side, our side. Who's keeping score?

140. Meanwhile, it's 3-zip.

141. - Oh, please. - Ma, calm down.

142. You're shvitzing already. Soon you're gonna slide off the couch.

143. This is such a trying time for me.

144. Life won't be the same without my beloved Mema.

145. Shut up, Marsha.

146. "And the coat goes to Fran Fine."

147. - Come on down. - I won the coat?

148. I won. I won!

149. - May she rest in peace. - May she rest in peace.

150. She gave Fran the coat?

151. Who schlepped her to the beauty parlor every week to get her three hairs set?

152. Who smeared her with Bengay after shuffleboard?

153. And after she got the hammertoe fixed, who lugged her around?

154. My husband, that's who.

155. Well you can keep the coat, 'cause I don't want it.

156. What are you, nuts?

157. - Why? - Ma, I only wear fake fur.

158. And do you know why?

159. Yes. Because no one ever died and left you a real one before.

160. No. I have a very impressionable teenager at home that needs to know

161. that I stick by my beliefs, and I believe in animal rights.

162. Fran, a mink is not an animal.

163. It's a rodent.

164. If it was up in the attic, you would be the first one to call Terminix.

165. Ma, knock it off. I'm not putting a dead animal anywhere near me.

166. Pass the tongue.

167. Fran, you're keeping the coat.

168. No, I'm not. And do we have to discuss this in front of everyone?

169. - No, we'll discuss it in there. - Fine.

170. Excuse us.

171. They don't wanna talk in front of us.

172. How could you turn your back on everything that I raised you to believe in?

173. This is mink.

174. Ma, if you love the mink so much, why don't you keep it.

175. I'm too busty.

176. Didn't stop you from wearing a tube top to temple.

177. It's Reform.

178. Ma, forget it. I'm not taking the coat.

179. You know, you're killing me with this.

180. If I die tonight, you'll never forgive yourself.

181. Ma, I'm a grown woman.

182. You can't use guilt on me anymore to get what you want.

183. - What's the matter, Ma? - Nothing.

184. I just hope I'm not getting that weird flesh-eating disease.

185. We couldn't hear.

186. Niles, did my mother call?

187. Well, I'm not sure. There was one call.

188. A sob, a sigh and a long, plaintive:

189. Well, either that's her or AT&T

190. is really depressed that we switched to Sprint.

191. I can't believe she would stoop to crank guilt calls.

192. How low can she go?

193. Hey, you're talking about a woman that could grow a tumor on command.

194. - Excuse me. - Well, it's not going to work.

195. I'm a grown woman. I'm entitled to my own opinions

196. and no silent treatment is going to make me compromise my ideals.

197. That coat is staying in Queens.

198. Thank you.

199. Oh, can you believe her? Didn't she hear a word I said?

200. I don't want this disgustingly soft, lush, plush—

201. Oh, Niles, did you see the satin lining?

202. They don't make it like that anymore.

203. - Well, it does become you, Miss Fine. - Oh, no, Niles, it's absolutely repulsive.

204. I can't stand it.

205. Up or down? Oh, take it off me. Take it off.

206. Oh, look at the initials, "M.F.," Mema Fager.

207. Miss Fine. It's like it was meant to be.

208. Well, you could always send it to Morgan Freeman.

209. Oh, Mema.

210. It smells just like her, Shalimar and stuffed cabbage.

211. When I was a little girl, in the winter

212. she would bundle me up in her coat with her

213. bosoms right on top of my head.

214. My ears never got cold.

215. I looked like Princess Leia.

216. Until Mema got older. Then I looked like Goofy.

217. Funny, as a lad, I don't ever recall wearing bosoms as a hat.

218. - Although, at a butlers' convention— - Don't take me there, Niles.

219. Oh, my God, Fran, what is that dead animal?

220. Where? Where?

221. - On your back. - Oh, this.

222. Oh, I inherited it, but I refused to accept it.

223. Then why are you wearing it?

224. I'm just indulging Niles. He wanted to see me in it.

225. All right, already, are you happy? Can I take it off?

226. Niles, I'm surprised at you.

227. Oh, forgive me, Miss Margaret. I'm such a beast.

228. Good morning everyone but Dad.

229. Niles, thank you so much for buying glass bottles

230. instead of plastic ones at the market.

231. My pleasure. I've always wanted to know what a hernia felt like.

232. - Aren't you joining us, Maggie? - Oh, no.

233. While you leisurely sit here and eat,

234. hundreds of acres of rain forest are being destroyed.

235. So you're taking your croissant back to the Biosphere?

236. Sit down, Margaret.

237. - Hello, hello. - Oh, C.C., care to join us?

238. - Well, is there enough? - No.

239. Niles.

240. Well, it's just that you know how I feel about her eating inside.

241. What was that?

242. I asked what she would like on the side.

243. Bacon? Sausage? Mighty Dog?

244. It's so nice sitting here with all of you.

245. I feel like part of the family.

246. Good morning, Stacy.

247. Gracie.

248. Thank you—

249. Brighton.

250. So, kids, what's new?

251. Miss Fine's having a baby.

252. - What? - What?

253. - Who's the father? - Why, Mr. Sheffield, of course.

254. Miss Fine, what on earth is all this about you being pregnant?

255. Pregnant? Me? Oh, that's impossible.

256. Well, it's not impossible.

257. Oh, yeah, it's impossible.

258. - Miss Fine and Mr. Sheffield are hamsters. - I knew I left something out.

259. Oh, please, no animals in the dining room.

260. I will be in the office.

261. Oh, very good, sir. Usually I have to tug at her leash.

262. - Niles, has my mother called yet? - No, I'm afraid not.

263. Oh, Miss Fine, why don't you just take the blasted coat and have done with it.

264. - No! - No!

265. Why can't Fran have an opinion different than her mother's?

266. Children should have the right to make decisions and live their lives.

267. You can have any opinion you like, Maggie.

268. Just don't have it in the park after dark with Mark.

269. Oh, there's your poetry.

270. Now you don't have to go.

271. Oh, come on, Miss Fine,

272. how'd you make up with your mother in the past?

273. When I was a little girl, I would put a napkin

274. on my head and sing Sunrise, Sunset.

275. At eight, it's adorable. At 30, they're giving you 3000 units of Thorazine.

276. Well, if there's anything I can do.

277. Well, now that you mention it, couldn't you talk to her, please?

278. I mean, you're so handsome, diplomatic—

279. - What has that to do with anything? - My mother responds to good looks.

280. She always said you reminded her of Dave from Alvin & the Chipmunks.

281. The cartoon?

282. Yeah. She had a thing for George Jetson too, but he's more goyish.

283. Oh, Niles, isn't Mr. Sheffield a doll for going to all the trouble

284. and inviting my mother here for dinner?

285. Yes, he's really knocked himself out.

286. - Did you stock the bar? - Yes, Miss Fine.

287. We have Chivas, Pimm's, Stolichnaya. What does Sylvia like to drink?

288. - Diet Slice. - Will Fresca do?

289. No. It doesn't have the zest of lime in.

290. Now I'm gonna have to go out.

291. - Hi. - Oh, Miss Fine.

292. This should be an interesting dinner, sir.

293. Miss Fine and her mother not speaking, Miss Margaret not speaking to you.

294. That will leave the bulk of the conversation to you and Sylvia.

295. Oh, good God.

296. Well, perhaps you can swap stories.

297. You tell her how you started in the theater

298. and she can tell you how she removes unwanted hair.

299. Heaven's sakes, we've gotta get someone else for dinner.

300. Well, it is Saturday night, sir. Most people have a life.

301. Well, I'm off.

302. C.C., by any chance, are you free tonight?

303. No. I have to pick up my grandfather from the airport.

304. Old thing's in a wheelchair with a respirator—

305. Why?

306. I was wondering if you'd join me for dinner.

307. - Done. Love to. - What about your grandfather?

308. Oh, he'll get a skycap. He's loaded.

309. He'll put a 20 in his mouth and wave it.

310. No, no. I just can't do this.

311. No, Maxwell, it's not a problem.

312. The old guy's in a wheelchair. It's downhill from LaGuardia.

313. No, you see, it won't be just us.

314. I'm afraid Miss Fine and her mother will be there.

315. Oh, I hate that woman.

316. - Which one? - Pick.

317. Really? Sylvia's always saying what a beautiful,

318. charming, sophisticated woman of the world you are.

319. Really?

320. Those were her exact words?

321. Oh, that reminds me. I have to get the name of your manicurist.

322. Sylvia's always going on about how beautifully young your hands look.

323. I've always adored Syl.

324. But if you have an engagement, then of course—

325. Forget Gramps. I'll call the airline. They'll stick him where they put the skis.

326. Niles, another place setting on the table and make it right next to my pal Syl.

327. "Get the name of your manicurist," indeed.

328. - I learned from the master. - Oh, well...

329. Aren't my hamsters cute?

330. We named the babies Maggie, Brighton and Grace.

331. There was a C.C., but Miss Fine ate her.

332. Isn't that adorable.

333. The kid collects vermin.

334. Syl? Is that you?

335. Yeah. I was invited.

336. Shame on you, girlfriend.

337. Why haven't we done lunch?

338. Because when you saw me eat a chicken, you had to take an Advil.

339. Oh, hi, Ma. What a nice surprise.

340. Gee, I didn't know Mr. Sheffield invited you for dinner.

341. - You want a Diet Slice? - No, thanks.

342. It gases me up.

343. Come, Cicileh.

344. - Oh, this ring is stunning. - My aunt gave it to me.

345. Oh, it's a family heirloom.

346. How nice of you not to throw it back in your aunt's face.

347. Ma, would you cut me some slack?

348. Why won't you wear a stinking coat?

349. You watch your tone of voice, young lady.

350. Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.

351. Not you, Ma. He's talking to Maggie.

352. Maggie does nothing. She's a good daughter.

353. And what am I, Patti Davis?

354. This is just like when you refused

355. the mother-daughter kaftans that I bought us.

356. Six years old in a turban?

357. That's it. I wash my hands of you.

358. - Mr. Sheffield. - She's getting away.

359. - Niles, the napkin. - Oh, no, not the napkin.

360. - Yes, Miss Fine. Yes, yes. - No. Oh, no, no.

361. Is this the little girl I carried?

362. Fran, that's not fair.

363. Is this the little boy at play?

364. I don't remember growing older

365. When did they?

366. - Oh, Fran, I'm sorry. - I'm sorry too, Mom.

367. Oh, Syl.

368. Oh, please, it's over.

369. Miss Babcock, TWA is on the phone.

370. It seems there's an unclaimed elderly gentleman on carousel five.

371. Oh, Ma, I don't wanna fight anymore.

372. Me neither. It's just such an honor that Mema chose you.

373. She came to this country with nothing.

374. She worked, she sacrificed.

375. This coat symbolizes the struggles of our family.

376. Ma, she won it on The Price Is Right.

377. Fran, you should keep the coat.

378. After all, you're the one who always says family comes first.

379. Oh, all right. I'll keep the coat.

380. Oh, I never thought I'd hear you say those words.

381. But just in case, I got it right here.

382. But I can't wear it.

383. All right, maybe just around my cousin Marsha

384. because it'll kill her, and then at least the minks won't have died in vain.

385. And, Dad, as important as this poetry meeting is to me,

386. if you really don't want me to go,

387. then I'll respect your decision.

388. I really don't want you to go.

389. Why not?

390. That is the most beautiful coat I have ever seen.

391. I'll give you $10,000 for it right now.

392. - Oh, no, I'm sorry. This coat— - Looks better on a blonde.

393. - Put on Days of Our Lives. - Okay.

394. Oh, Miss Fine, how can you watch these shows?

395. You're right. It hasn't been the same since Shane left.

396. You know, he auditioned for me once.

397. With that phony British accent.

398. How about an old Dick Van Dyke Show?

399. Oh, I used to love that Millie Helper, the neighbor.

400. She was so funny. I don't know why they never spun her off.

401. I heard she was very hard to work with.