1. Oh, Niles, this is an excellent issue
of Vanity Fair.
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2. - Oh, really? What's in it?
- Obsession.
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3. Article, article, article.
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4. Oh, Safari.
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5. Article, article, article.
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6. Mel Gibson.
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7. He has a cologne?
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8. No.
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9. So now, which one's Mr. Sheffield
and which one's Miss Fine?
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10. She named her hamster after me.
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11. - How can you tell them apart?
- Fran's the fat one.
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12. She's not fat, she just has big hair.
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13. Oh, no, Mr. Sheffield
is fighting with Miss Fine.
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14. - They're not fighting. He's having—
- Mr. Sheffield,
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15. get off of Miss Fine.
Miss Fine has a headache.
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16. Oh, look, Mr. Sheffield
has already fallen asleep.
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17. Okay, kids, go bring Miss Fine
upstairs and give her a chew stick.
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18. She's not satisfied.
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19. Miss Fine, this month's
Soap Opera Hair Magazine has arrived.
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20. - The "Bigger is Better" issue?
- With a free sample.
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21. Oh, this is like Hanukkah in July.
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22. Fran, I can't believe you're doing that.
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23. Why, honey? Did you think that I got
this fullness naturally?
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24. Oh, no. This is just the outer shell.
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25. Inside I've got gel, mousse, volumizer.
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26. There's a whole infrastructure
going on in there.
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27. The only difference between me
and the Kingdome is AstroTurf.
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28. Fran, don't you care about ecology?
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29. There are chemicals in here
that are unsafe.
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30. Some of that stuff is toxic.
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31. Honey, you wanna clean up toxic waste,
start with Brighton's bathroom.
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32. Fran, I'm serious. Give me that.
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33. Oh, no, no, I didn't do the tendrils yet.
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34. Oh, boy, I'm getting
a weird flashback here,
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35. only you're me and I'm my mother.
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36. What are you talking about?
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37. I was young too once,
out to save the world.
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38. So you were, like,
an activist in the '60s?
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39. Seventies. Late.
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40. Nuclear power, animal rights, cyclamates.
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41. - Cyclamates?
- Oh, yeah, it was a big controversy.
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42. Lemon Tab was never the same.
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43. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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44. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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45. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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46. So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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47. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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48. She had style, she had flair She was there
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49. That's how she became the Nanny
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50. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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51. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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52. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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53. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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54. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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55. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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56. Mr. Sheffield, if you were my cousin
Marsha and you saw me in this dress,
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57. - what would you do?
- I'd tell you you look fabulous
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58. then trash you the moment
you left the room.
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59. - And?
- Eat an entire Sara Lee pound cake?
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60. There you go.
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61. For a minute there,
I thought I was gonna have to change.
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62. Isn't it a little sedate for you,
Nanny Fine?
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63. You don't look like you're getting
a sailor to buy you a champagne cocktail.
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64. Where you headed, a funeral?
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65. As a matter of fact, I am.
My Great Aunt Mema Fager.
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66. She was 104.
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67. - Well, how'd she die?
- Childbirth.
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68. Fran, tell Dad he's being totally unfair.
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69. Mr. Sheffield,
you're being totally unfair.
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70. What is it I'm trying
to get him to do, again?
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71. Mark and I wanna go to an all-night
Save the Earth poetry reading.
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72. Oh, right, what's the big deal?
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73. Maggie and Mark wanna go to an
all-night Save the Earth— All night?
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74. Oh, honey, kiss it off.
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75. Fran, they're having a candlelight
vigil for animal rights.
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76. Oh, that reminds me,
I gotta pick up the pastrami platter.
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77. You know, if it sits too long, it gets
that rainbow-patina thing happening.
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78. I can't believe you.
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79. Is this what happens when you turn 21?
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80. - Twenty-one.
- Don't mock the child, Niles.
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81. Look, Maggie, why don't you
and your friends
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82. take it in turns to save the planet.
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83. You take the day shift and someone
whose parents are out of town
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84. could take the night.
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85. Oh, fine. I'll go stand in the hole
in the ozone layer.
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86. Be sure to wear sun block.
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87. Well Miss Fine, It's refreshing to have
you on my side for a change.
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88. Oh, that. I read somewhere
that the primary caregiver
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89. should always agree
with the guy that writes the checks.
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90. Thank you for your support.
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91. But for your information, I am too young
to be on the pig side of a generation gap.
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92. Huff and puff as much
as you like, Miss Fine.
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93. This little piggy is not letting her go.
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94. That doesn't mean I'm not thrilled
Margaret has a social conscience.
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95. I just wish there were
more people like her.
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96. Oh, aren't these elephant tusks exquisite.
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97. They came from that
cute little poacher in Kenya.
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98. And here I thought you'd had
your wisdom teeth pulled.
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99. So when you're watching
Gorillas in the Mist,
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100. you're thinking, "In a fajita,
I bet they're not so bad."
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101. It was a gorgeous funeral.
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102. Mema Fager didn't look so hot,
may she rest in peace.
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103. She could never pull it together
for a special occasion.
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104. You know, when my time comes,
I don't want no open casket.
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105. I don't trust no one to put on
my makeup but me.
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106. How's the corned beef?
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107. Fatty, Daddy. No good.
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108. What do you do when you like something,
eat the CorningWare?
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109. So, when are you due?
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110. Grandma, I'm not pregnant.
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111. So stop eating.
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112. Morty, turn the set down!
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113. We're mourning in here.
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114. Meanwhile, explain to me
green carnations on a casket.
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115. St. Patty didn't drop dead.
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116. Why couldn't their side spend a little
on flowers like we did?
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117. Syl, their side never did as well as us.
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118. What well? My daughter's a maid.
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119. Nanny, Ma.
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120. Meanwhile, I wonder who got the coat.
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121. - What coat?
- Mema's mink.
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122. She slept with it
more than she slept with Oscar.
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123. Mema's husband's name was Louie.
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124. Yeah. So where are you not following me?
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125. Oh, well, I guess it wasn't the mortician
that put that smile on her face.
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126. Maybe we should see what's
in the envelope Uncle Dave gave us.
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127. I think it's a copy of the will.
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128. You know, I always offered
to drive her to her check-ups,
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129. even after the bladder went.
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130. Save it, Marsha. It's already written.
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131. She's not coming back with an eraser.
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132. Aunt Frida got Mema's
diamond wedding ring.
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133. I wanted that.
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134. Cousin Judy got the blender.
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135. I could have used that.
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136. Uncle Maury got the pasta machine.
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137. That they could have.
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138. Who cares about their side.
Let's get to our side.
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139. Their side, our side. Who's keeping score?
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140. Meanwhile, it's 3-zip.
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141. - Oh, please.
- Ma, calm down.
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142. You're shvitzing already.
Soon you're gonna slide off the couch.
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143. This is such a trying time for me.
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144. Life won't be the same
without my beloved Mema.
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145. Shut up, Marsha.
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146. "And the coat goes to Fran Fine."
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147. - Come on down.
- I won the coat?
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148. I won. I won!
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149. - May she rest in peace.
- May she rest in peace.
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150. She gave Fran the coat?
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151. Who schlepped her to the beauty parlor
every week to get her three hairs set?
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152. Who smeared her with Bengay
after shuffleboard?
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153. And after she got the hammertoe fixed,
who lugged her around?
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154. My husband, that's who.
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155. Well you can keep the coat,
'cause I don't want it.
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156. What are you, nuts?
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157. - Why?
- Ma, I only wear fake fur.
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158. And do you know why?
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159. Yes. Because no one ever died
and left you a real one before.
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160. No. I have a very impressionable
teenager at home that needs to know
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161. that I stick by my beliefs,
and I believe in animal rights.
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162. Fran, a mink is not an animal.
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163. It's a rodent.
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164. If it was up in the attic, you would be
the first one to call Terminix.
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165. Ma, knock it off. I'm not putting
a dead animal anywhere near me.
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166. Pass the tongue.
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167. Fran, you're keeping the coat.
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168. No, I'm not. And do we have to discuss
this in front of everyone?
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169. - No, we'll discuss it in there.
- Fine.
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170. Excuse us.
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171. They don't wanna talk in front of us.
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172. How could you turn your back on everything
that I raised you to believe in?
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173. This is mink.
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174. Ma, if you love the mink so much,
why don't you keep it.
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175. I'm too busty.
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176. Didn't stop you from wearing
a tube top to temple.
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177. It's Reform.
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178. Ma, forget it. I'm not taking the coat.
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179. You know, you're killing me with this.
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180. If I die tonight,
you'll never forgive yourself.
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181. Ma, I'm a grown woman.
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182. You can't use guilt on me anymore
to get what you want.
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183. - What's the matter, Ma?
- Nothing.
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184. I just hope I'm not getting
that weird flesh-eating disease.
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185. We couldn't hear.
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186. Niles, did my mother call?
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187. Well, I'm not sure. There was one call.
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188. A sob, a sigh and a long, plaintive:
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189. Well, either that's her or AT&T
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190. is really depressed
that we switched to Sprint.
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191. I can't believe she would stoop
to crank guilt calls.
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192. How low can she go?
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193. Hey, you're talking about a woman
that could grow a tumor on command.
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194. - Excuse me.
- Well, it's not going to work.
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195. I'm a grown woman.
I'm entitled to my own opinions
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196. and no silent treatment is going
to make me compromise my ideals.
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197. That coat is staying in Queens.
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198. Thank you.
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199. Oh, can you believe her?
Didn't she hear a word I said?
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200. I don't want this disgustingly
soft, lush, plush—
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201. Oh, Niles, did you see the satin lining?
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202. They don't make it like that anymore.
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203. - Well, it does become you, Miss Fine.
- Oh, no, Niles, it's absolutely repulsive.
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204. I can't stand it.
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205. Up or down? Oh, take it off me.
Take it off.
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206. Oh, look at the initials, "M.F.,"
Mema Fager.
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207. Miss Fine. It's like it was meant to be.
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208. Well, you could always send it
to Morgan Freeman.
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209. Oh, Mema.
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210. It smells just like her,
Shalimar and stuffed cabbage.
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211. When I was a little girl, in the winter
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212. she would bundle me up
in her coat with her
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213. bosoms right on top of my head.
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214. My ears never got cold.
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215. I looked like Princess Leia.
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216. Until Mema got older.
Then I looked like Goofy.
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217. Funny, as a lad, I don't ever recall
wearing bosoms as a hat.
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218. - Although, at a butlers' convention—
- Don't take me there, Niles.
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219. Oh, my God, Fran,
what is that dead animal?
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220. Where? Where?
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221. - On your back.
- Oh, this.
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222. Oh, I inherited it,
but I refused to accept it.
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223. Then why are you wearing it?
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224. I'm just indulging Niles.
He wanted to see me in it.
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225. All right, already, are you happy?
Can I take it off?
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226. Niles, I'm surprised at you.
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227. Oh, forgive me, Miss Margaret.
I'm such a beast.
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228. Good morning everyone but Dad.
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229. Niles, thank you so much
for buying glass bottles
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230. instead of plastic ones at the market.
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231. My pleasure. I've always wanted
to know what a hernia felt like.
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232. - Aren't you joining us, Maggie?
- Oh, no.
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233. While you leisurely sit here and eat,
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234. hundreds of acres of rain forest
are being destroyed.
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235. So you're taking your croissant back
to the Biosphere?
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236. Sit down, Margaret.
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237. - Hello, hello.
- Oh, C.C., care to join us?
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238. - Well, is there enough?
- No.
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239. Niles.
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240. Well, it's just that you know
how I feel about her eating inside.
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241. What was that?
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242. I asked what she would like on the side.
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243. Bacon? Sausage? Mighty Dog?
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244. It's so nice sitting here with all of you.
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245. I feel like part of the family.
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246. Good morning, Stacy.
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247. Gracie.
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248. Thank you—
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249. Brighton.
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250. So, kids, what's new?
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251. Miss Fine's having a baby.
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252. - What?
- What?
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253. - Who's the father?
- Why, Mr. Sheffield, of course.
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254. Miss Fine, what on earth is all this
about you being pregnant?
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255. Pregnant? Me? Oh, that's impossible.
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256. Well, it's not impossible.
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257. Oh, yeah, it's impossible.
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258. - Miss Fine and Mr. Sheffield are hamsters.
- I knew I left something out.
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259. Oh, please, no animals in the dining room.
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260. I will be in the office.
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261. Oh, very good, sir.
Usually I have to tug at her leash.
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262. - Niles, has my mother called yet?
- No, I'm afraid not.
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263. Oh, Miss Fine, why don't you just take
the blasted coat and have done with it.
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264. - No!
- No!
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265. Why can't Fran have an opinion
different than her mother's?
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266. Children should have the right to make
decisions and live their lives.
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267. You can have any opinion you like, Maggie.
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268. Just don't have it in the park
after dark with Mark.
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269. Oh, there's your poetry.
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270. Now you don't have to go.
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271. Oh, come on, Miss Fine,
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272. how'd you make up
with your mother in the past?
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273. When I was a little girl,
I would put a napkin
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274. on my head and sing Sunrise, Sunset.
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275. At eight, it's adorable. At 30, they're
giving you 3000 units of Thorazine.
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276. Well, if there's anything I can do.
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277. Well, now that you mention it,
couldn't you talk to her, please?
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278. I mean, you're so handsome, diplomatic—
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279. - What has that to do with anything?
- My mother responds to good looks.
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280. She always said you reminded her
of Dave from Alvin & the Chipmunks.
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281. The cartoon?
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282. Yeah. She had a thing for George Jetson
too, but he's more goyish.
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283. Oh, Niles, isn't Mr. Sheffield
a doll for going to all the trouble
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284. and inviting my mother here for dinner?
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285. Yes, he's really knocked himself out.
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286. - Did you stock the bar?
- Yes, Miss Fine.
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287. We have Chivas, Pimm's, Stolichnaya.
What does Sylvia like to drink?
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288. - Diet Slice.
- Will Fresca do?
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289. No. It doesn't have the zest of lime in.
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290. Now I'm gonna have to go out.
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291. - Hi.
- Oh, Miss Fine.
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292. This should be an interesting dinner, sir.
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293. Miss Fine and her mother not speaking,
Miss Margaret not speaking to you.
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294. That will leave the bulk
of the conversation to you and Sylvia.
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295. Oh, good God.
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296. Well, perhaps you can swap stories.
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297. You tell her how you started
in the theater
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298. and she can tell you
how she removes unwanted hair.
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299. Heaven's sakes, we've gotta get someone
else for dinner.
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300. Well, it is Saturday night, sir.
Most people have a life.
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301. Well, I'm off.
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302. C.C., by any chance, are you free tonight?
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303. No. I have to pick up my grandfather
from the airport.
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304. Old thing's in a wheelchair
with a respirator—
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305. Why?
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306. I was wondering if you'd
join me for dinner.
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307. - Done. Love to.
- What about your grandfather?
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308. Oh, he'll get a skycap. He's loaded.
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309. He'll put a 20 in his mouth and wave it.
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310. No, no. I just can't do this.
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311. No, Maxwell, it's not a problem.
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312. The old guy's in a wheelchair.
It's downhill from LaGuardia.
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313. No, you see, it won't be just us.
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314. I'm afraid Miss Fine
and her mother will be there.
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315. Oh, I hate that woman.
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316. - Which one?
- Pick.
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317. Really? Sylvia's always saying
what a beautiful,
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318. charming, sophisticated woman
of the world you are.
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319. Really?
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320. Those were her exact words?
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321. Oh, that reminds me. I have to get
the name of your manicurist.
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322. Sylvia's always going on about how
beautifully young your hands look.
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323. I've always adored Syl.
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324. But if you have an engagement,
then of course—
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325. Forget Gramps. I'll call the airline.
They'll stick him where they put the skis.
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326. Niles, another place setting on the table
and make it right next to my pal Syl.
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327. "Get the name of your manicurist," indeed.
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328. - I learned from the master.
- Oh, well...
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329. Aren't my hamsters cute?
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330. We named the babies
Maggie, Brighton and Grace.
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331. There was a C.C., but Miss Fine ate her.
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332. Isn't that adorable.
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333. The kid collects vermin.
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334. Syl? Is that you?
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335. Yeah. I was invited.
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336. Shame on you, girlfriend.
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337. Why haven't we done lunch?
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338. Because when you saw me eat
a chicken, you had to take an Advil.
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339. Oh, hi, Ma. What a nice surprise.
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340. Gee, I didn't know Mr. Sheffield
invited you for dinner.
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341. - You want a Diet Slice?
- No, thanks.
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342. It gases me up.
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343. Come, Cicileh.
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344. - Oh, this ring is stunning.
- My aunt gave it to me.
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345. Oh, it's a family heirloom.
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346. How nice of you not to throw it back
in your aunt's face.
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347. Ma, would you cut me some slack?
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348. Why won't you wear a stinking coat?
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349. You watch your tone of voice, young lady.
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350. Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't help it.
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351. Not you, Ma. He's talking to Maggie.
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352. Maggie does nothing.
She's a good daughter.
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353. And what am I, Patti Davis?
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354. This is just like when you refused
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355. the mother-daughter kaftans
that I bought us.
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356. Six years old in a turban?
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357. That's it. I wash my hands of you.
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358. - Mr. Sheffield.
- She's getting away.
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359. - Niles, the napkin.
- Oh, no, not the napkin.
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360. - Yes, Miss Fine. Yes, yes.
- No. Oh, no, no.
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361. Is this the little girl I carried?
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362. Fran, that's not fair.
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363. Is this the little boy at play?
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364. I don't remember growing older
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365. When did they?
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366. - Oh, Fran, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too, Mom.
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367. Oh, Syl.
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368. Oh, please, it's over.
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369. Miss Babcock, TWA is on the phone.
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370. It seems there's an unclaimed elderly
gentleman on carousel five.
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371. Oh, Ma, I don't wanna fight anymore.
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372. Me neither. It's just such an honor
that Mema chose you.
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373. She came to this country with nothing.
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374. She worked, she sacrificed.
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375. This coat symbolizes the struggles
of our family.
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376. Ma, she won it on The Price Is Right.
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377. Fran, you should keep the coat.
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378. After all, you're the one
who always says family comes first.
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379. Oh, all right. I'll keep the coat.
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380. Oh, I never thought I'd hear you
say those words.
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381. But just in case, I got it right here.
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382. But I can't wear it.
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383. All right, maybe just around
my cousin Marsha
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384. because it'll kill her, and then at least
the minks won't have died in vain.
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385. And, Dad, as important
as this poetry meeting is to me,
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386. if you really don't want me to go,
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387. then I'll respect your decision.
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388. I really don't want you to go.
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389. Why not?
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390. That is the most beautiful coat
I have ever seen.
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391. I'll give you $10,000 for it right now.
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392. - Oh, no, I'm sorry. This coat—
- Looks better on a blonde.
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393. - Put on Days of Our Lives.
- Okay.
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394. Oh, Miss Fine, how can you
watch these shows?
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395. You're right. It hasn't been
the same since Shane left.
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396. You know, he auditioned for me once.
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397. With that phony British accent.
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398. How about an old Dick Van Dyke Show?
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399. Oh, I used to love that Millie Helper,
the neighbor.
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400. She was so funny. I don't know why
they never spun her off.
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401. I heard she was very hard to work with.
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