1. Hello, my name is Maggie Sheffield,
and I'm a total geek.
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2. You are so immature.
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3. Yeah, Brighton, you're so immature.
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4. Miss Fine, your mother's 50?
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5. Isn't she stretching the truth just a tad?
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6. Please, the only thing stretched more
is Clinton's bicycle shorts.
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7. Fifty billion served,
and that's just the White House.
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8. I wonder if my daughter Fran is at home.
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9. I will see if she is.
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10. Come on, kids, get ready.
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11. Fran, how come we're practicing
the surprise party?
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12. Then it won't be a surprise.
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13. Sweetie, at your age
a surprise is a big thrill.
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14. At her age, they're already rubbing
two paddles together and yelling, "Clear!"
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15. Surprise!
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16. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
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17. Ma, I hope you fake it better with Daddy.
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18. I was his first. What does he know?
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19. Excuse me, Miss Sylvia,
I want to double-check the menu.
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20. Meatballs, cocktail franks, cheese puffs.
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21. Is there some reason you don't want
your family to handle silverware?
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22. Darling, don't you know?
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23. If it's on a toothpick,
it's not fattening.
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24. Yeah, my Aunt Freida
uses two like chopsticks.
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25. She looks like a very heavily made-up
praying mantis.
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26. Are there gonna be any boys
my age at this party?
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27. Maybe we could fix her up
with little Cousin Irving.
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28. He's a nice boy
with a wonderful personality.
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29. Yeah, good idea, Ma.
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30. Is he still ringing the bell
at Notre Dame?
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31. Don't worry, don't worry.
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32. When I see him coming,
I'll give you a very subtle sign.
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33. There's the birthday girl.
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34. Mr. Sheffield, you're such a doll
letting us have my party here.
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35. You know, we only have one "terlet"...
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36. and Morty's brothers are all coming.
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37. That reminds me. Sweetie, go put
an Air Wick solid in every bathroom.
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38. So, Miss Babcock,
are you coming to my surprise party?
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39. - I'm afraid not.
- And it's just killing us.
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40. We're taking the train to Gene Shalit's
for the weekend.
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41. Gene Shalit!
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42. Is he sexy or what?
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43. Ma, Gene Shalit, sexy?
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44. You gotta stop inhaling
when you spray your hair.
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45. They're having a little gathering
before the Tony nominations.
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46. Maxwell and I are sharing
a guest cottage right by the water.
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47. How convenient, sir,
should you want to drown yourself.
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48. Miss Fine, here.
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49. Allow me to contribute
this exquisite Chambertin
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50. to your mother's party.
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51. Maxwell, I thought this wine
was for our weekend.
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52. I don't think the Fines
would appreciate a vintage burgundy.
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53. Yes, we're very big on vintage beverages.
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54. In our storage bin, we've got
a case of TaB from the Bay of Pigs.
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55. All right Maxwell,
I'll meet you at the station.
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56. I wanna pick up the perfect
hostess gift for the Shalits.
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57. What do you think
would make their weekend?
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58. Miss the train.
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59. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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60. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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61. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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62. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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63. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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64. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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65. That's how she became the Nanny
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66. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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67. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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68. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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69. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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70. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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71. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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72. This will be a great party,
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73. a bunch of 60-year-old
ladies pinching my cheeks.
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74. Learn to love it. That's as close
to a woman as you'll ever get.
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75. I have two words for you: Cousin Irving.
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76. Just think of this party
as an educational experience.
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77. Pretend you're Dian Fossey
observing the gorillas.
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78. Just don't get too close when they eat.
You could lose a hand that way.
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79. What's all that gunk
at the bottom of the bottle?
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80. Honey, that's the best part.
It's the wine concentrate.
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81. Oh, my God. What are you doing
with Mr. Sheffield's best burgundy?
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82. I'm making a sangria.
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83. Does it need more Equal?
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84. Two more packs.
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85. Miss Fine, using that wine to make sangria
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86. is like asking Pavarotti
to sing "Muskrat Love."
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87. He should only have the career
Captain & Tennille had.
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88. Kids, before I forget,
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89. go dig out my
Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass album.
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90. I really want this party to cook.
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91. Niles, I thought that you made dip.
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92. I did. That's porcini mushrooms,
shallots and chives.
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93. Now I'm gonna have to go to the store
and get some onion-soup mix.
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94. Well, I had to get the Pringles anyway.
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95. Cheer up. Did I mention
my Cousin Sophie is coming tonight?
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96. Don't tell me. She's smart
and has a wonderful personality.
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97. No. She's dumb as a post,
but she's built like a brick—
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98. Say no more.
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99. Just give me a subtle signal.
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100. Where's Maxwell?
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101. I thought he was meeting you
at the station. He already left.
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102. Niles! I called and said
that I would pick him up here.
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103. I told you to give him the message.
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104. I thought you said give him a massage.
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105. I didn't think that was appropriate.
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106. I'm not gonna let anything
bother me this weekend.
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107. As long as I'm here,
I might as well pick up a little wine.
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108. Put Maxwell in the mood.
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109. Did I tell you
we have a private compartment?
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110. And tonight there's a full moon.
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111. Well, I hope she packed a lot of Nair.
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112. Luck be a lady tonight
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113. Luck if you've been a lady to begin with
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114. Luck be a lady...
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115. Oh, no.
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116. I can't believe this is happening.
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117. Okay, there must be another way
out of here.
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118. Miss Babcock, I OD'd on the Equal.
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119. Could you pass me another bottle
of burgundy?
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120. Nanny Fine, I love you!
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121. You fool!
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122. Boy, do you blow hot and cold.
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123. You know, a lot of women
go through their change early.
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124. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
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125. You let the door close
and now we're trapped in here
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126. and I'm gonna miss my train!
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127. Okay, calm down. Don't panic.
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128. Maybe I can fix it.
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129. No. Help! Help! Help!
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130. Save it. No one's gonna hear you.
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131. This was originally built
as a bomb shelter.
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132. Hey, don't underestimate
the power of these adenoids.
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133. I once had next-door neighbors
that moved closer to the airport.
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134. Hey, this room is very small, isn't it?
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135. - Why, are you claustrophobic?
- Thank you.
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136. Now you put it in my head.
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137. And I'm reliving.
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138. Loehmann's, dressing room,
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139. big sale, 200 naked women
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140. all screaming, "Where did you find that?"
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141. I was clinging to my mother's girdle.
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142. Dimples! Dimples everywhere.
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143. And not one on a face.
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144. And then... and then... and then...
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145. Look... an alarm box.
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146. You know, if we cut the wires,
we can trip the system
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147. and the cops will come and find us.
What have you got?
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148. - Nail clippers.
- Excellent.
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149. Well, either that alarm
is way too subtle...
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150. or...
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151. I cut the fan off.
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152. And now we can't breathe. By the way...
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153. What did you do that for?
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154. Weren't you hysterical?
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155. No.
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156. My mistake.
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157. Remember, when she walks in,
we all yell "surprise."
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158. Why?
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159. Because it's your daughter's
50th birthday.
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160. Fifty? She's got brassieres
older than that.
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161. If she's 50, then I'm—
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162. What do you know, she's 50.
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163. I wonder if my daughter Fran is home?
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164. I will see if she is.
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165. Surprise!
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166. Will you wait till she walks in?
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167. Oh, my God. I had no idea.
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168. Look at me.
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169. We were on our way to see
Shawshank Redemption.
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170. Schmooey, come meet your Uncle Stanley.
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171. What are you talking about?
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172. Just go along with me.
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173. Stan, look, Schmooey.
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174. You haven't seen him
since he was this tall.
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175. He's getting bar mitzvahed
when you're on your cruise.
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176. Sorry I'm gonna miss it.
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177. Here. This is from me
and your Aunt Cookie.
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178. Thank you very much.
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179. We split everything 50-50.
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180. I can't believe I'm missing the party.
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181. I mean, how often does your mother
turn 50? Two, three times?
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182. Here, have a drink. It'll calm you down.
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183. I don't drink.
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184. What do you do when you're tense?
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185. Hair.
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186. What?
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187. I do hair.
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188. - Don't even think about it.
- Fine.
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189. Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall
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190. Ninety-nine bottles of beer
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191. Can you do a nice little French twist?
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192. So severe you want?
Well, let me see what I can do.
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193. So tell me, what's doing?
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194. I can't believe this is happening.
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195. This was supposed to be the weekend
when Maxwell and I...
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196. Go ahead. I'm listening.
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197. Well, last time, we came this close.
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198. Tilt.
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199. We were coming back
from a production in Sydney
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200. when our plane had to make
an emergency landing in the Fiji Islands.
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201. It was off-season, so it was deserted.
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202. - Well, you can use your imagination.
- Paint me a picture. Pretend I can't.
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203. We were in the bar.
We'd had a few cocktails.
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204. Maxwell had that look in his eye.
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205. Well, he was too much of a gentleman.
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206. Let me get this straight.
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207. He was drunk, you were
the only woman on a deserted island
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208. and he still didn't touch you.
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209. And you thought Gene Shalit
was gonna get him in the mood.
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210. I'm very worried about Fran.
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211. Maybe she stopped to get your present.
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212. She already gave me one.
What did you get me?
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213. Did you forget, Ma?
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214. Forget my little girl? Don't insult me.
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215. It's out there
with all the other presents.
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216. Ma.
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217. Get out there
and put this on the biggest box.
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218. Mint Chocolate Chip.
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219. Jamoca Almond Fudge.
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220. Pralines 'n Cream.
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221. That's it. That's 30.
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222. Oh, my God. They lied.
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223. Why? Thirty's a lot. Is 31 so catchy?
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224. Wait a minute. I forgot the sherbets.
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225. All right. I'll start again.
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226. - Vanilla—
- Stop it!
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227. You know, this reminds me
of when Blair and Tootie got caught
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228. in Mrs. Garrett's walk-in freezer.
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229. Thank God Natalie went in
for a midnight snack. Surprise, surprise.
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230. These are the topics
we can no longer discuss.
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231. What Woolite can and cannot do.
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232. Anyone with the last name Cassidy.
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233. Odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans.
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234. All right. Okay,
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235. but you're really restricting
the conversation.
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236. Meanwhile, look how gorgeous
your hair looks.
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237. I got one word for you.
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238. Styrofoam.
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239. But that's not biodegradable.
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240. Who's asking you to eat it?
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241. - Hi.
- Hi.
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242. What are you doing
hiding here by yourself?
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243. Actually, I'm trying to avoid running
into this geek, Irving. I'm Maggie.
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244. I'm Irving.
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245. Good Lord!
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246. What are you doing home?
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247. Niles, what is going on here?
Look at this place. Where's Miss Fine?
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248. - She's missing.
- Missing?
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249. Keep your voice down, sir.
I don't want to alarm anyone.
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250. This is very strange, Niles.
Miss Babcock's gone missing, too.
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251. Why won't you play Truth or Dare?
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252. Because all your truths are so boring.
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253. - Come on.
- No.
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254. - I'll let you do my makeup.
- Okay.
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255. Okey-dokey. Ask me.
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256. Truth or dare?
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257. I pick... truth.
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258. Okay, if you could spend the night
with anyone, who would it be?
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259. We both know. Game's over.
Suck in your cheeks.
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260. You never know.
My answer may surprise you.
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261. All right. Shoot.
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262. It's Maxwell.
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263. Get out of town.
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264. To think that right now we could both
be lying in front of a fire,
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265. my head on his chest,
him gently stroking my hair.
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266. Honey, take some deep breaths,
you're running out of oxygen.
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267. You're right. Who am I kidding?
He doesn't care about me.
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268. My therapist says I'm obsessed with him.
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269. How much did you have to pay
to find that out?
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270. If only he weren't so darn attractive.
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271. He is cute.
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272. Tell me about it. That little gray streak
in his hair just makes me...
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273. Now, you see, that would be
the first thing I'd get rid of.
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274. Too Pepé Le Pew.
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275. Have you ever seen him in a bathing suit?
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276. No.
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277. Too bad.
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278. I've seen him naked, though.
Does that count?
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279. - When?
- Relax. It was an accident.
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280. I walked in on him in the shower.
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281. Forget it. He locks now.
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282. The truth is...
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283. he's ruined me for other men, you know?
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284. You? Next to Mr. Sheffield, all the guys
that I date seem like real morons.
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285. I wonder if that's because
all the guys that I date are morons.
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286. At least you date.
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287. I'm gonna wake up one morning
a dried-up, old spinster.
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288. Quiet. Wait.
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289. If that didn't bring Niles down,
we're doomed.
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290. Who cares? I might as well die.
Then I can at least haunt Maxwell.
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291. And don't think I won't be shaking
a few chains in the butler's pantry.
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292. Stop it. You're scaring me.
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293. Who cares, Nanny Fine? Face it.
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294. Get out of this house while you can
or you're gonna end up just like me.
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295. No!
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296. There you are.
We've been looking all over for you.
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297. Stand back. Stay away from us,
you destroyer of girls' lives.
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298. - What?
- Go. Tell him, sister.
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299. Maxwell, thank God!
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300. She never shuts up.
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301. She's been saying
the most terrible things about you.
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302. Ladies, ladies, calm down.
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303. Let's go upstairs
where we can talk about this
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304. You're obviously very shaken
after your ordeal...
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305. C.C., have you done something
with your hair?
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306. - Miss Babcock.
- What?
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307. You left your purse.
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308. - Darling, this was the best party ever.
- Thanks, Mom.
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309. You know, next year I think we should
invest in a new "Happy 50th" banner.
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310. This one says "Vote Dukakis" on the back.
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311. - Good night.
- Night.
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312. So, Niles, did you let it out?
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313. Yes. And the villagers were not happy.
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314. Meanwhile, where have you been
for the last hour?
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315. So you met my Cousin Sophie. Nice.
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316. Come on, Yetta, Daddy's honking.
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317. Thank you for a lovely evening.
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318. And if you find
a nice diamond cocktail ring,
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319. you could send it to me at the home.
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320. Yetta, you don't have
a diamond cocktail ring.
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321. I'm just saying, if you find one.
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322. Some night.
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323. What?
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324. I just can't help thinking about you
and Miss Babcock being stuck together.
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325. I mean, what on earth
did you find to talk about?
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326. You know, this and that.
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327. Your hair came up.
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328. - Really?
- Yeah, she don't like it.
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329. She thinks you look like Pepé Le Pew.
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330. Miss Fine, can I tell you something
in confidence?
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331. It's about Miss Babcock.
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332. I'm all ears.
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333. Well, I rather think
she has a thing for me.
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334. Get out of town.
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335. Well, since we're exchanging confidences,
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336. she did mention
that close encounter on Fiji.
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337. - I remember that.
- Cocktails in the bar?
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338. No.
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339. Quinine at the British consulate.
I was taken deathly ill.
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340. They rushed me to hospital.
I was delirious for days.
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341. Well, apparently delirium
ran rampant on that trip.
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342. - Beg your pardon?
- Nothing.
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343. I'm just sorry that you had to miss
your weekend at Gene Shalit's.
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344. Actually, I felt like I was there.
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345. Your Aunt Ida bears
a striking resemblance to him.
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346. You know, I told her,
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347. if she's gonna dye her hair,
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348. do the mustache, too.
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349. That's 75 for you and 185 for me.
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350. Hey, you said 50-50. That's not fair.
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351. Let's talk fair. You live in a mansion.
I live in a home.
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352. You got your whole life ahead of you.
I got one, two weeks tops.
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353. You can eat corn.
Here, let me show you something.
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354. Take it. Take it all.
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