The Nanny 2x10

Directed by Lee Shallat Chemel

Ann Morgan Guilbert as Yetta Rosenberg • Renée Taylor as Sylvia Fine • Morty Drescher as Uncle Stanley

C.C.'s vision for a romantic weekend hit a snag when she and Fran end up locked inside Maxwell's wine cellar together.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Hello, my name is Maggie Sheffield, and I'm a total geek.

2. You are so immature.

3. Yeah, Brighton, you're so immature.

4. Miss Fine, your mother's 50?

5. Isn't she stretching the truth just a tad?

6. Please, the only thing stretched more is Clinton's bicycle shorts.

7. Fifty billion served, and that's just the White House.

8. I wonder if my daughter Fran is at home.

9. I will see if she is.

10. Come on, kids, get ready.

11. Fran, how come we're practicing the surprise party?

12. Then it won't be a surprise.

13. Sweetie, at your age a surprise is a big thrill.

14. At her age, they're already rubbing two paddles together and yelling, "Clear!"

15. Surprise!

16. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

17. Ma, I hope you fake it better with Daddy.

18. I was his first. What does he know?

19. Excuse me, Miss Sylvia, I want to double-check the menu.

20. Meatballs, cocktail franks, cheese puffs.

21. Is there some reason you don't want your family to handle silverware?

22. Darling, don't you know?

23. If it's on a toothpick, it's not fattening.

24. Yeah, my Aunt Freida uses two like chopsticks.

25. She looks like a very heavily made-up praying mantis.

26. Are there gonna be any boys my age at this party?

27. Maybe we could fix her up with little Cousin Irving.

28. He's a nice boy with a wonderful personality.

29. Yeah, good idea, Ma.

30. Is he still ringing the bell at Notre Dame?

31. Don't worry, don't worry.

32. When I see him coming, I'll give you a very subtle sign.

33. There's the birthday girl.

34. Mr. Sheffield, you're such a doll letting us have my party here.

35. You know, we only have one "terlet"...

36. and Morty's brothers are all coming.

37. That reminds me. Sweetie, go put an Air Wick solid in every bathroom.

38. So, Miss Babcock, are you coming to my surprise party?

39. - I'm afraid not. - And it's just killing us.

40. We're taking the train to Gene Shalit's for the weekend.

41. Gene Shalit!

42. Is he sexy or what?

43. Ma, Gene Shalit, sexy?

44. You gotta stop inhaling when you spray your hair.

45. They're having a little gathering before the Tony nominations.

46. Maxwell and I are sharing a guest cottage right by the water.

47. How convenient, sir, should you want to drown yourself.

48. Miss Fine, here.

49. Allow me to contribute this exquisite Chambertin

50. to your mother's party.

51. Maxwell, I thought this wine was for our weekend.

52. I don't think the Fines would appreciate a vintage burgundy.

53. Yes, we're very big on vintage beverages.

54. In our storage bin, we've got a case of TaB from the Bay of Pigs.

55. All right Maxwell, I'll meet you at the station.

56. I wanna pick up the perfect hostess gift for the Shalits.

57. What do you think would make their weekend?

58. Miss the train.

59. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

60. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

61. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

62. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

63. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

64. She had style, she had flair She was there

65. That's how she became the Nanny

66. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

67. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

68. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

69. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

70. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

71. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

72. This will be a great party,

73. a bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.

74. Learn to love it. That's as close to a woman as you'll ever get.

75. I have two words for you: Cousin Irving.

76. Just think of this party as an educational experience.

77. Pretend you're Dian Fossey observing the gorillas.

78. Just don't get too close when they eat. You could lose a hand that way.

79. What's all that gunk at the bottom of the bottle?

80. Honey, that's the best part. It's the wine concentrate.

81. Oh, my God. What are you doing with Mr. Sheffield's best burgundy?

82. I'm making a sangria.

83. Does it need more Equal?

84. Two more packs.

85. Miss Fine, using that wine to make sangria

86. is like asking Pavarotti to sing "Muskrat Love."

87. He should only have the career Captain & Tennille had.

88. Kids, before I forget,

89. go dig out my Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass album.

90. I really want this party to cook.

91. Niles, I thought that you made dip.

92. I did. That's porcini mushrooms, shallots and chives.

93. Now I'm gonna have to go to the store and get some onion-soup mix.

94. Well, I had to get the Pringles anyway.

95. Cheer up. Did I mention my Cousin Sophie is coming tonight?

96. Don't tell me. She's smart and has a wonderful personality.

97. No. She's dumb as a post, but she's built like a brick—

98. Say no more.

99. Just give me a subtle signal.

100. Where's Maxwell?

101. I thought he was meeting you at the station. He already left.

102. Niles! I called and said that I would pick him up here.

103. I told you to give him the message.

104. I thought you said give him a massage.

105. I didn't think that was appropriate.

106. I'm not gonna let anything bother me this weekend.

107. As long as I'm here, I might as well pick up a little wine.

108. Put Maxwell in the mood.

109. Did I tell you we have a private compartment?

110. And tonight there's a full moon.

111. Well, I hope she packed a lot of Nair.

112. Luck be a lady tonight

113. Luck if you've been a lady to begin with

114. Luck be a lady...

115. Oh, no.

116. I can't believe this is happening.

117. Okay, there must be another way out of here.

118. Miss Babcock, I OD'd on the Equal.

119. Could you pass me another bottle of burgundy?

120. Nanny Fine, I love you!

121. You fool!

122. Boy, do you blow hot and cold.

123. You know, a lot of women go through their change early.

124. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

125. You let the door close and now we're trapped in here

126. and I'm gonna miss my train!

127. Okay, calm down. Don't panic.

128. Maybe I can fix it.

129. No. Help! Help! Help!

130. Save it. No one's gonna hear you.

131. This was originally built as a bomb shelter.

132. Hey, don't underestimate the power of these adenoids.

133. I once had next-door neighbors that moved closer to the airport.

134. Hey, this room is very small, isn't it?

135. - Why, are you claustrophobic? - Thank you.

136. Now you put it in my head.

137. And I'm reliving.

138. Loehmann's, dressing room,

139. big sale, 200 naked women

140. all screaming, "Where did you find that?"

141. I was clinging to my mother's girdle.

142. Dimples! Dimples everywhere.

143. And not one on a face.

144. And then... and then... and then...

145. Look... an alarm box.

146. You know, if we cut the wires, we can trip the system

147. and the cops will come and find us. What have you got?

148. - Nail clippers. - Excellent.

149. Well, either that alarm is way too subtle...

150. or...

151. I cut the fan off.

152. And now we can't breathe. By the way...

153. What did you do that for?

154. Weren't you hysterical?

155. No.

156. My mistake.

157. Remember, when she walks in, we all yell "surprise."

158. Why?

159. Because it's your daughter's 50th birthday.

160. Fifty? She's got brassieres older than that.

161. If she's 50, then I'm—

162. What do you know, she's 50.

163. I wonder if my daughter Fran is home?

164. I will see if she is.

165. Surprise!

166. Will you wait till she walks in?

167. Oh, my God. I had no idea.

168. Look at me.

169. We were on our way to see Shawshank Redemption.

170. Schmooey, come meet your Uncle Stanley.

171. What are you talking about?

172. Just go along with me.

173. Stan, look, Schmooey.

174. You haven't seen him since he was this tall.

175. He's getting bar mitzvahed when you're on your cruise.

176. Sorry I'm gonna miss it.

177. Here. This is from me and your Aunt Cookie.

178. Thank you very much.

179. We split everything 50-50.

180. I can't believe I'm missing the party.

181. I mean, how often does your mother turn 50? Two, three times?

182. Here, have a drink. It'll calm you down.

183. I don't drink.

184. What do you do when you're tense?

185. Hair.

186. What?

187. I do hair.

188. - Don't even think about it. - Fine.

189. Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall

190. Ninety-nine bottles of beer

191. Can you do a nice little French twist?

192. So severe you want? Well, let me see what I can do.

193. So tell me, what's doing?

194. I can't believe this is happening.

195. This was supposed to be the weekend when Maxwell and I...

196. Go ahead. I'm listening.

197. Well, last time, we came this close.

198. Tilt.

199. We were coming back from a production in Sydney

200. when our plane had to make an emergency landing in the Fiji Islands.

201. It was off-season, so it was deserted.

202. - Well, you can use your imagination. - Paint me a picture. Pretend I can't.

203. We were in the bar. We'd had a few cocktails.

204. Maxwell had that look in his eye.

205. Well, he was too much of a gentleman.

206. Let me get this straight.

207. He was drunk, you were the only woman on a deserted island

208. and he still didn't touch you.

209. And you thought Gene Shalit was gonna get him in the mood.

210. I'm very worried about Fran.

211. Maybe she stopped to get your present.

212. She already gave me one. What did you get me?

213. Did you forget, Ma?

214. Forget my little girl? Don't insult me.

215. It's out there with all the other presents.

216. Ma.

217. Get out there and put this on the biggest box.

218. Mint Chocolate Chip.

219. Jamoca Almond Fudge.

220. Pralines 'n Cream.

221. That's it. That's 30.

222. Oh, my God. They lied.

223. Why? Thirty's a lot. Is 31 so catchy?

224. Wait a minute. I forgot the sherbets.

225. All right. I'll start again.

226. - Vanilla— - Stop it!

227. You know, this reminds me of when Blair and Tootie got caught

228. in Mrs. Garrett's walk-in freezer.

229. Thank God Natalie went in for a midnight snack. Surprise, surprise.

230. These are the topics we can no longer discuss.

231. What Woolite can and cannot do.

232. Anyone with the last name Cassidy.

233. Odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans.

234. All right. Okay,

235. but you're really restricting the conversation.

236. Meanwhile, look how gorgeous your hair looks.

237. I got one word for you.

238. Styrofoam.

239. But that's not biodegradable.

240. Who's asking you to eat it?

241. - Hi. - Hi.

242. What are you doing hiding here by yourself?

243. Actually, I'm trying to avoid running into this geek, Irving. I'm Maggie.

244. I'm Irving.

245. Good Lord!

246. What are you doing home?

247. Niles, what is going on here? Look at this place. Where's Miss Fine?

248. - She's missing. - Missing?

249. Keep your voice down, sir. I don't want to alarm anyone.

250. This is very strange, Niles. Miss Babcock's gone missing, too.

251. Why won't you play Truth or Dare?

252. Because all your truths are so boring.

253. - Come on. - No.

254. - I'll let you do my makeup. - Okay.

255. Okey-dokey. Ask me.

256. Truth or dare?

257. I pick... truth.

258. Okay, if you could spend the night with anyone, who would it be?

259. We both know. Game's over. Suck in your cheeks.

260. You never know. My answer may surprise you.

261. All right. Shoot.

262. It's Maxwell.

263. Get out of town.

264. To think that right now we could both be lying in front of a fire,

265. my head on his chest, him gently stroking my hair.

266. Honey, take some deep breaths, you're running out of oxygen.

267. You're right. Who am I kidding? He doesn't care about me.

268. My therapist says I'm obsessed with him.

269. How much did you have to pay to find that out?

270. If only he weren't so darn attractive.

271. He is cute.

272. Tell me about it. That little gray streak in his hair just makes me...

273. Now, you see, that would be the first thing I'd get rid of.

274. Too Pepé Le Pew.

275. Have you ever seen him in a bathing suit?

276. No.

277. Too bad.

278. I've seen him naked, though. Does that count?

279. - When? - Relax. It was an accident.

280. I walked in on him in the shower.

281. Forget it. He locks now.

282. The truth is...

283. he's ruined me for other men, you know?

284. You? Next to Mr. Sheffield, all the guys that I date seem like real morons.

285. I wonder if that's because all the guys that I date are morons.

286. At least you date.

287. I'm gonna wake up one morning a dried-up, old spinster.

288. Quiet. Wait.

289. If that didn't bring Niles down, we're doomed.

290. Who cares? I might as well die. Then I can at least haunt Maxwell.

291. And don't think I won't be shaking a few chains in the butler's pantry.

292. Stop it. You're scaring me.

293. Who cares, Nanny Fine? Face it.

294. Get out of this house while you can or you're gonna end up just like me.

295. No!

296. There you are. We've been looking all over for you.

297. Stand back. Stay away from us, you destroyer of girls' lives.

298. - What? - Go. Tell him, sister.

299. Maxwell, thank God!

300. She never shuts up.

301. She's been saying the most terrible things about you.

302. Ladies, ladies, calm down.

303. Let's go upstairs where we can talk about this

304. You're obviously very shaken after your ordeal...

305. C.C., have you done something with your hair?

306. - Miss Babcock. - What?

307. You left your purse.

308. - Darling, this was the best party ever. - Thanks, Mom.

309. You know, next year I think we should invest in a new "Happy 50th" banner.

310. This one says "Vote Dukakis" on the back.

311. - Good night. - Night.

312. So, Niles, did you let it out?

313. Yes. And the villagers were not happy.

314. Meanwhile, where have you been for the last hour?

315. So you met my Cousin Sophie. Nice.

316. Come on, Yetta, Daddy's honking.

317. Thank you for a lovely evening.

318. And if you find a nice diamond cocktail ring,

319. you could send it to me at the home.

320. Yetta, you don't have a diamond cocktail ring.

321. I'm just saying, if you find one.

322. Some night.

323. What?

324. I just can't help thinking about you and Miss Babcock being stuck together.

325. I mean, what on earth did you find to talk about?

326. You know, this and that.

327. Your hair came up.

328. - Really? - Yeah, she don't like it.

329. She thinks you look like Pepé Le Pew.

330. Miss Fine, can I tell you something in confidence?

331. It's about Miss Babcock.

332. I'm all ears.

333. Well, I rather think she has a thing for me.

334. Get out of town.

335. Well, since we're exchanging confidences,

336. she did mention that close encounter on Fiji.

337. - I remember that. - Cocktails in the bar?

338. No.

339. Quinine at the British consulate. I was taken deathly ill.

340. They rushed me to hospital. I was delirious for days.

341. Well, apparently delirium ran rampant on that trip.

342. - Beg your pardon? - Nothing.

343. I'm just sorry that you had to miss your weekend at Gene Shalit's.

344. Actually, I felt like I was there.

345. Your Aunt Ida bears a striking resemblance to him.

346. You know, I told her,

347. if she's gonna dye her hair,

348. do the mustache, too.

349. That's 75 for you and 185 for me.

350. Hey, you said 50-50. That's not fair.

351. Let's talk fair. You live in a mansion. I live in a home.

352. You got your whole life ahead of you. I got one, two weeks tops.

353. You can eat corn. Here, let me show you something.

354. Take it. Take it all.