The Nanny 1x8

1. Okay, kids, everyone go upstairs, and hang up your skates,

2. and don't forget to put your wet clothes in a hamper.

3. - No wet clothes for you, Ms. Fine? - I didn't fall.

4. She didn't skate.

5. And yet, such a lovely ensemble.

6. You should see what I wear when I don't play tennis.

7. Cranberries on a string. How beautiful.

8. I wonder who started this tradition?

9. Probably Ocean Spray.

10. Niles, you old scrooge. Get into the Christmas spirit.

11. Spoken by one who doesn't have to clean it all up.

12. That's the thing about Hanukkah.

13. Eight candles and a menorah. No fuss, no muss.

14. - Is it too late to convert? - Never.

15. We'll get you a bar mitzvah and, of course, a circumcision.

16. Suddenly, I'm filled with the Christmas spirit.

17. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

18. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

19. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

20. So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

21. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

22. She had style, she had flair She was there

23. That's how she became the Nanny

24. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

25. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

26. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

27. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

28. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

29. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

30. My first real Christmas tree. I'm so excited.

31. - Ms. Fine, what on earth are you doing? - I'm putting on the tinsel.

32. Not before the lights.

33. Is that a faux pas?

34. Lights first, ornaments second, and tinsel is always last.

35. Father's very anal about his tree trimming.

36. Well, one year, we begged my mother for a Christmas tree.

37. She called it a Hanukkah bush.

38. P.S. The candles from the menorah set the flocking on fire,

39. and the fumes put my father into the emergency room.

40. A variation on the burning bush classic.

41. My mother took the whole thing as a sign from God, and from there on in,

42. we spent every Christmas at the Fontainebleau in Miami Beach.

43. To this day, I can't get a whiff of Bain de Soleil without having a yen for eggnog.

44. Sir?

45. Oh, Niles, splendid. Thank you very much.

46. All right, everyone, stand by.

47. Three, two, one.

48. It's beautiful.

49. Niles, I thought we agreed twinkle lights.

50. Here.

51. Ms. Fine, I know it's a holiday, and this is a bit of an imposition,

52. but would it be at all possible for you to work on Christmas Day?

53. Oh, are you kidding? To be part of a real Christmas is a dream come true.

54. You see, I'm gonna be in D.C. I'm producing a benefit at the Kennedy Center.

55. You won't be home for Christmas?

56. He's never home for Christmas.

57. Now, Grace, we've been through all this.

58. I'm gonna be raising money for children less fortunate than we are.

59. Yeah, but keep laying on the guilt. We'll get better presents.

60. Brighton, I'm not canceling it altogether. We'll simply celebrate it a day early.

61. He's moving Christmas? You can do that?

62. - They do it for Washington's birthday. - Well, I never got that either.

63. I mean, you go to all that trouble fathering a nation,

64. and before you know it,

65. you're sharing the third Monday in February with Lincoln and a white sale.

66. Say, I know. Why don't we make out our list for Santa,

67. then we can bring it to him when we go get our picture taken?

68. - We already did that. - Yeah, but I came out a little bloated.

69. Isn't that cute? She still believes in Santa.

70. Honey, I believe in anyone that delivers.

71. Yeah, well, we believe in Edna.

72. Edna Claus? Would that be the missus?

73. No, Fran, she's Daddy's personal shopper. She buys all our gifts.

74. Oh, so what you're saying is, you give Edna your list, and she gives it to Santa?

75. Please, Fran, I wasn't born yesterday.

76. If you did believe in Santa, what would you want him to bring you?

77. Daddy for Christmas.

78. Well, how about a nice Easy-Bake Oven?

79. No? All right, I'll see what I can do.

80. Oh, Niles, those poor kids, and that Gracie is the anti-Claus.

81. I got to go talk to Mr. Sheffield.

82. Well, I hope you're not going to upset him.

83. He's writing out the staff Christmas bonuses.

84. Oh, how do you know?

85. Well, did you think the keyholes polished themselves?

86. So, the nanny gets a bonus too? That's good news.

87. Because, you know, I really wanted to buy each of the kids something fabulous,

88. but have you seen the cost of fabulous nowadays?

89. Please, I can't even afford wonderful.

90. Fortunately, Mr. Sheffield is very generous.

91. Well, if he thinks that writing a check is gonna make up for his not being here—

92. Four figures, Ms. Fine.

93. Oh, well, glory to the Newborn King.

94. Maxwell.

95. Look what I'm standing under.

96. Isn't that mistletoe?

97. I'm not sure. Looks rather like holly.

98. It's mistletoe.

99. And I do believe tradition calls for a kiss.

100. All right.

101. Merry Christmas, Nanny Fine.

102. Whoops, I got some lipstick on your cheek.

103. Oh, for heaven's sake.

104. Meanwhile, that shade looks gorgeous on you.

105. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, do you really have to go out of town for the holidays?

106. Yes, he does.

107. I love the way you throw your voice like that.

108. I'm afraid I have to, Ms. Fine.

109. It's a very important benefit.

110. We're raising money for the—

111. Who're we raising money for? The poor, right?

112. Ms. Fine, I'd love to be with the family Christmas Day,

113. but I'm afraid I just can't.

114. We can't.

115. - You're going too? - Uh-huh.

116. - Well, we'll be working the entire time. - I think we'll have time for dinners.

117. No, no dinner.

118. The only reason I'm going away with Ms. Babcock is for charity.

119. Thank you, Maxwell.

120. - Well, you know what I mean. - No, no, I don't.

121. What do you need, to be hit over the head?

122. Yes, Ms. Fine. Was there anything else?

123. Well, far be it for me to tell you how to do Christmas,

124. but you're doing it all wrong.

125. The father's going out of town, the kids don't believe in Santa,

126. and I haven't seen one stinking partridge on a pear tree.

127. Well, that's why we're moving it up a day.

128. And I want it to be very special this year,

129. so I told my personal shopper to pull out all the stops.

130. And that's another thing. This woman doesn't know our kids.

131. A personal shopper is so impersonal, although, not a bad career choice.

132. Well, I have an interesting idea.

133. During those many hours when the children are away at school,

134. - Yeah? - and you basically have nothing to do.

135. I fill my days.

136. Why don't you get their gifts?

137. That's not the worst idea. I mean, you'd know what they want.

138. Don't you want to pick out your own presents?

139. Mr. Sheffield, if it were me,

140. I would much rather get a gift that you personally picked out.

141. A gift from the heart means so much more.

142. Well, I suppose I could find time to pop into FAO Schwarz.

143. Trust me, whatever you pick out, they will love and cherish forever.

144. Just make sure it's returnable.

145. I got the kids great stocking stuffers.

146. - Are you putting up a stocking? - No, I figured I'd put up my panty hose.

147. - That way, I'll get double. - Oh, Fran.

148. - Hello, ladies. - Hi.

149. Looks like somebody else went shopping besides us.

150. Yes, we had a wonderful time.

151. Children laughing, people passing, meeting smile after smile.

152. He's been doing that all day.

153. So, what do you think of Brighton's bicycle?

154. Who designed it? Picasso?

155. Well, it's not finished yet.

156. The salesman said that serious cyclists like to build the equipment themselves.

157. They saw him coming.

158. Well, if you need a few pointers, Val here is very mechanical.

159. I'm a plumber's daughter.

160. Thank you, Val, but I'm a grown man.

161. I think I should be able to assemble a child's bicycle.

162. Hey, may the testosterone be with you.

163. Look at this great sweater that I got. Isn't it perfect for Maggie?

164. I got great stuff for everyone. I hope Brighton likes Aramis.

165. - What did you do? Win the lottery? - I wish. More like rubber checks.

166. Don't worry, I'm not gonna let them bounce.

167. Tomorrow, I'll get my Christmas bonus, Saturday and Sunday, the banks are closed,

168. Monday, I'll make an instant deposit.

169. And I've done my share to stimulate the economy.

170. Don't you have a credit card?

171. Not since my little run-in with Edward Scissorhands at Macy's.

172. Come on, everyone, it's merry—

173. Merry morning of the day before Christmas.

174. Gracie, Santa took a bite out of the cookies we left him.

175. I didn't know Santa wore red lipstick.

176. The man gets out of the house once a year. Live and let live.

177. Fran, would you open my present first?

178. Before the family? All right.

179. I hope you like it. I made it myself.

180. - I mean, it's okay if you don't. - Honey, I'll love it.

181. Because a gift from the heart is worth more than the present itself.

182. - Right, Mr. Sheffield? - Absolutely, Ms. Fine.

183. It's a pajama holder.

184. And I don't already have one.

185. Because you don't wear any pajamas.

186. You have polished your last keyhole, mister.

187. Thanks, Mags, I love it.

188. Dad, I love my—

189. What is this?

190. It's a bicycle...

191. kit.

192. Bicycle kit?

193. Yeah, well, half the fun of owning a bicycle,

194. - is building it yourself. - Uh-huh.

195. And this is from me.

196. Gee, guys, you shouldn't have.

197. He really wanted Cindy Crawford.

198. At least she's built.

199. Gee, Daddy, "The Screamer," Thank you.

200. Oh, I'm glad you like it, sweetheart.

201. And I hope you understand why I can't be here tomorrow.

202. I understand.

203. There's my big girl.

204. - Merry Christmas, sweetheart. - Merry Christmas, Daddy.

205. No hidden hostility there.

206. So, Niles, what can I say? Year in, year out, you're a friend indeed.

207. - Thank you and Merry Christmas. - Thank you, sir.

208. Mr. Sheffield. That's more than generous.

209. It's hard to express just how much I deserve this.

210. Well, you're welcome.

211. - And Ms. Fine. - Yeah?

212. Ms. Fine, your contribution to our family has not gone unnoticed.

213. I think I'm gonna cry.

214. Thank you, and merry Christmas.

215. What's this?

216. Your Christmas present.

217. I gave it a lot of thought, picked it out myself.

218. Me and my big mouth.

219. Niles, will you come visit me in debtor's prison?

220. Ms. Fine, you should be flattered that Mr. Sheffield got you a gift.

221. I've never known him to give a staff member anything but a check.

222. Well, who the hell needed that distinction?

223. You know, it really is a lovely vase.

224. Gorgeous, but will it fit through an automated teller?

225. Niles, if you ever catch me shopping again,

226. I want you to just slap me upside the head.

227. Maggie! You're wearing the new sweater I got you? Already?

228. I just love it. It's the most beautiful sweater I've ever seen.

229. Isn't that sweet? You didn't cut the tag off, did you?

230. Yes, why?

231. That's okay, that's okay. I got the receipt.

232. Fran, I'm keeping the sweater. I love it.

233. - No, you don't. - Yes, I do, because you gave it to me.

234. Remember what you said? "A gift from the heart."

235. All right. Wear it in good health. Go.

236. Now what am I going to do?

237. That offer to lend you the money, still stands.

238. Niles, I consider you my friend, so I'll be frank.

239. I'm not good for it.

240. Well, it is a perfect piece to start one's personal art collection.

241. Thanks. It should go great next to my limbo trophy from Club Med.

242. What you got? Something I can unload?

243. A VCR, a nice semi-automatic weapon?

244. Pauly, don't you know a valuable antique when you see it?

245. This here is practically Elizabethan.

246. - Elizabeth Taylor? - No, Liz, the queen.

247. No can do. If you said Elizabeth Montgomery,

248. you know, Bewitched, then I could move it.

249. Pauly, will you please buy the vase?

250. The woman owes the world. She's desperate. We'll take anything.

251. And that, Val, is why you cannot find a partner for bridge.

252. Cheer up, honey.

253. Look, my favorite, It's a Wonderful Life.

254. We've already seen it six times.

255. Today.

256. Well, there's a Christmas special on the shopping channel.

257. Call now,

258. and you can own It's a Wonderful Life at a wonderful price.

259. Can you believe that?

260. Although, for $9.95, it is a classic.

261. - Now, Niles, did you remember my attaché? - Yes, sir.

262. - And my carry-on? - Always, sir.

263. Well, it seems we have everything.

264. - Maxwell? - Oops, I guess I did forget one old bag.

265. Daddy, I wish you could come to church with us.

266. - Do you really have to go? - Sweetheart, I'm afraid I have to.

267. I'm gonna miss you so much. I'll miss all of you.

268. - Bye, Dad. - Merry Christmas, Daddy.

269. - Can't we come with you? - No.

270. I mean, wouldn't that be fun?

271. But we're gonna be working around the clock.

272. I'm afraid she's right, Gracie.

273. Even if you came with me, I'd hardly see you.

274. You'll have a lot more fun here.

275. At least he only has to work Christmas.

276. My sister is a caterer. She has to work every single holiday.

277. Thank God we fast on Yom Kippur, or we'd never see her.

278. Thank you for that, Ms. Fine.

279. - And I hope you enjoy the vase. - Huh?

280. Yes. It reminded me of you.

281. One-of-a-kind, with just the right accent.

282. You've been a wonderful addition to our family.

283. I hope you cherish the vase, as the children cherish you.

284. - Merry Christmas, Ms. Fine. - Merry Christmas.

285. Niles, would you watch the kids for a while?

286. I got to go buy a vase.

287. You know, every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

288. Who cares?

289. - Yeah? - Pauly, I want my vase back.

290. Fran, you can't do this. How are you gonna pay your bills?

291. I'll think of something.

292. That little vase is the most meaningful gift I've ever received in my whole life.

293. Well, except, of course,

294. for the Polaroid Swinger you gave me for graduation.

295. I was gonna say.

296. Where's my money?

297. Pauly, would you take my watch for the same $200?

298. Fran, that's your grandmother's watch. She gave that to you on her deathbed.

299. Thank you, Val. You're making this a lot easier.

300. Well, that's terrible, Niles.

301. Yeah, well, thank you for telling me.

302. Yes. Merry Christmas to you too, old man.

303. What?

304. Well, I gave Ms. Fine a vase in lieu of a check.

305. And apparently, she's just had to pawn her grandmother's watch,

306. to pay for the presents she already bought for the children.

307. That's tragic. It's positively Dickensian.

308. Oh, well.

309. I just wish there was something I could do.

310. But there's no time, our flight leaves in ten minutes.

311. Flight 851 going to Washington Dulles International Airport

312. will be delayed three hours.

313. C.C., I'll be back in time. I promise.

314. But Maxwell, what if you miss the plane?

315. What about all those poor, unfortunate people who are counting on us?

316. If you ring that bell one more time, I'll wring your neck.

317. Santa.

318. Excuse me. Pardon me.

319. Silent night. Holy night.

320. Ms. Fine, you're late.

321. I'm sorry, but I don't have my watch anymore. Remember?

322. This place is magnificent.

323. - Did I miss anything? - Here. This ought to bring you up to date.

324. Wow, look at the crowds at the confessional.

325. Boy, there were shorter lines in gift-wrap at Macy's.

326. It's been a rough year for everyone.

327. Tell me about it. I got a few things I can get off my chest.

328. Say, Niles, can anyone go to the confessionals?

329. Or is it more like the home club?

330. You in a confessional?

331. I'd pay good money to see that.

332. Excuse me.

333. All is calm. All is bright.

334. Where is Fran going?

335. Grace wants to know where Fran's gone.

336. - What's with Fran? - She's gone to confess.

337. She went to play chess.

338. She went to undress.

339. Forgive me, Father, for I have shopped.

340. Gee, I don't know the penance for that.

341. I suppose you could say ten Hail Macy's.

342. Good one, Padre.

343. Oh, these benches are really uncomfortable.

344. I guess you don't want people to stay long, huh?

345. Stay as long as you like. I'm on till midnight.

346. Father Donahue got Christmas week off.

347. Again.

348. I know how you feel.

349. I'm working Christmas myself.

350. And I was really looking forward to it too,

351. but now it's just gonna to be awful.

352. I mean, the father is in Washington, and the kids don't believe in Santa.

353. I'm in hock up to my ears.

354. I just don't know what to do.

355. I hear the Fontainebleau's nice this time of year.

356. At least, Father Donahue says it is.

357. Father, you have more experience at this than I do.

358. Does Christmas ever live up to one's expectations?

359. That depends on what one expects.

360. You're good.

361. You see? That's why they ship Father Donahue off to Florida,

362. and you're working St. Paddy's Christmas Eve.

363. There's someone in here.

364. Ms. Fine, it's me. May I come in?

365. Mr. Sheffield, what are you doing here?

366. Well, my flight was delayed.

367. Look, Ms. Fine, Niles told me how I got you in trouble.

368. You've been so generous toward me and the children,

369. and you've really made it a very special Christmas this year.

370. And I don't see why it should cost you your grandmother's watch.

371. Mr. Sheffield.

372. I got the name of the pawnshop from Val.

373. I don't know what to say.

374. This isn't my grandmother's watch.

375. What? Oh, dear.

376. I seem to have really made a mess of things.

377. Don't feel bad.

378. At least I still have my beautiful—

379. I'm so sorry, Mr. Sheffield.

380. It's quite all right, Ms. Fine. It's not so much the pain as the humiliation.

381. Now, there's nothing to be humiliated about.

382. Although they really should get backs for these gowns.

383. I hope C.C. will be able to handle the benefit by herself.

384. She should be in the air by now.

385. There go the friendly skies.

386. - Gracie, don't decorate Father. - Oh, it's all right.

387. Let me go. It's Christmas Eve, and I've got things to do.

388. - Don't you know who I am? - Yes, we do, and we've been good all year.

389. Why don't you be good and lie still, until the medication kicks in?

390. What happened to him?

391. Some lady at the airport.

392. Knocked him out with his own bell.

393. And my ears are still ringing.

394. Thank you, Santa, for all my Christmas presents.

395. What are you thanking him for?

396. Yeah. I thought you didn't believe in Santa Claus.

397. Well, I do now, 'cause my Christmas wish came true.

398. What wish, sweetheart?

399. That you'd be with us for Christmas.

400. Funny. That was my wish too.

401. Isn't this a positive way to look at this disaster?

402. Listen. It's Christmas.

403. And we're all together, and we're happy, and we're healthy.

404. Well, most of us.

405. - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

406. - Merry Christmas, Mr. Sheffield. - Merry Christmas, Ms. Fine.

407. Say, maybe we should invite the old man. No one should be alone on Christmas.

408. Hey, Santa, are you decent?

409. Funny.

410. Where'd he go?

411. Ho, ho, ho!

412. I gotta lie down.

413. And a partridge in a pear tree.

414. Oh, that's a weird song. I mean, five golden rings I can understand.

415. Ten lords a-leaping, I am there.

416. But what's with all the birds? I mean, French hens, turtle doves.

417. Six geese a-laying. Who wants to see that?

418. Ms. Fine.

419. Happy holidays.

420. - And thanks for watching! - And thanks for watching!