The Nanny 1x6

1. Come here, mouse. Come here, little mouse.

2. Here, little mousey-wousey.

3. Nothing to be afraid of. We just want to put you outside.

4. And then, we're going to kill you.

5. Niles, why are you being so macho? It's really unattractive.

6. Yet, somehow, a turn-on.

7. Ms. Fine, need I point out to you

8. that the inspectors from the Professional Butler Association are coming Monday,

9. to observe my work, and decide whether to accept me as a member?

10. Oh, really? I thought you were joking. It sounded so ridiculous.

11. In a profound and important way.

12. I happen to come from a long line of butlers. Each one a member.

13. Until my father, butler to the Duke of Carlisle,

14. - accidentally knocked over a vase. - And for that they kicked him out?

15. He was wrestling naked with the Duchess at the time.

16. Well, to each his own, unless Duchess was a sheepdog.

17. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

18. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

19. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

20. So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

21. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

22. She had style, she had flair She was there

23. That's how she became the Nanny

24. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

25. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

26. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, CC

27. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

28. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

29. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

30. All right, children, time to go.

31. Whoa, you're not going to the museum in those boots, are you?

32. My wellies? Yes. There's a chance of rain.

33. There's a chance I'll fall off the chair, but you don't see me wearing a seatbelt.

34. - Your point? - What happened? You're normally so G.Q.

35. Now, suddenly, you're the Gorton's fisherman?

36. Ms. Fine, I did not hire you as my fashion consultant.

37. I hired you to take care of the children.

38. Well, it's my day off. I fashion consult on the side.

39. Your son was just elected class president.

40. Don't be an embarrassment to him on his first day. Who are you, Billy Carter?

41. - Here he is. Hail to the chief! - Thank you, thank you. I am a crook.

42. I still can't believe he got elected.

43. - Why? - That means someone had to vote for you.

44. Now, Maggie, you should be proud of your brother.

45. He worked very hard on his campaign.

46. You wrote his speeches, came up with his campaign platform,

47. - and organized his school bus tour. - He's my Hillary.

48. Well, it all paid off.

49. Aren't you glad I talked you into running?

50. - Mm-hmm. - Now you're a winner, like your old man.

51. Did I tell you I was president of my house, at Eton?

52. Yes!

53. Well, I was.

54. But, this is your victory, and we're all very proud of you.

55. President Sheffield. He's a man of vision, and a leader amongst men.

56. - Thank you. - Now zip your fly.

57. So, now we're off to celebrate Brighton's achievement,

58. by taking in the German Expressionist show at the Met.

59. There's a fine line between reward and punishment in this house.

60. I love Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream."

61. So, Fran, what are you doing on your day off?

62. I'll tell you what I'm not doing.

63. I am not having lunch with my Uncle Jack and Cousin Marsha,

64. who are visiting from Boca.

65. Believe me, an afternoon with Jack and Marsha. Well, don't ask.

66. I don't think I did.

67. Jack was always trying to one-up my mother.

68. We bought a Skylark. He bought an El Dorado.

69. We moved to Flushing. He moved to Florida. I'm telling you, she could never win—

70. Oh, yeah, once. She grew a mustache before him.

71. Go, go. Have a good time.

72. All right, everybody. Come on.

73. - I'll see you later. - Bye, Fran.

74. Oh, has Mr. Sheffield gone?

75. Yeah, they just left, and, boy, could they talk your ear off.

76. Too bad. Lauren Bacall just sent over some Beluga caviar.

77. - Oh, caviar. - For Mr. Sheffield.

78. Oh, yeah, of course.

79. You make the toast, I'll write the thank-you.

80. Come here, little fish egg. Come to Mama.

81. - Hi, Ma. - Hi, darling.

82. What are you doing here?

83. I gotta tell you about my lunch with Jack and Marsha.

84. And I was having such a nice day.

85. - So we're sitting, we're eating. - Mm-hmm.

86. And as usual, Jack is going on and on about Marsha.

87. - Mm-hmm. - Marsha and her doctor-husband.

88. - Yeah. - Marsha and her four-carat solitaire.

89. Marsha and her beachfront property, right next to Dan Marino.

90. - Who the hell is Dan Marino? - How the hell should I know?

91. Anyway, I was just about to scream, when they asked me about you.

92. So, I told them that you eloped with a rich Broadway producer.

93. And you're living in a palace on the Upper East Side.

94. - Oh, Ma, what's the matter with you? - What?

95. You left out the butler.

96. Meanwhile, how'd they take the good news?

97. - Crushed? - Devastated.

98. Better.

99. You should have seen the look on their face.

100. - I would have liked to. - You will.

101. Oh, no. No way, Ma. Where are they?

102. Looking for a place to park.

103. Oh, good. They found one.

104. Oh, forget it, Ma. I'm not doing this.

105. Fine. That's your choice. It's good to have choices.

106. Not that I had a choice when I was in labor with you for ten hours.

107. With that big head.

108. Sorry. It won't happen again.

109. Darling, do it for me. It'll shut Jack up, once and for all.

110. Oh, Ma, is it really so important to you

111. that I have to pretend to be something I'm not?

112. - Would you? - No.

113. Hi.

114. - You caught a husband. - Thank god you're not an old maid anymore.

115. Welcome to my home.

116. Huh, Jack, huh? Is this a palace? She's living like Siegfried and Roy.

117. - Not bad. How many square feet? - Oh, we don't get into all that.

118. As long as we're comfortable, that's all that matters.

119. - Your place is what, darling? - 3,800.

120. Ours is 38,000.

121. The upstairs is enormous.

122. I'd put out a spread, but the butler is off today.

123. - The butler, Jack. - Yeah, I heard, Syl.

124. Well, this has just been fabulous,

125. but, you know, if you guys missed your flight, I'd just never forgive myself.

126. Fran, you don't think we'd go home before we met the lucky man?

127. - You mean, you want to meet Mr. Sheffield? - You call your husband "Mr. Sheffield?"

128. Oh, well, that's just a pet name. You know, Shef, Sheffie.

129. Chef Boyardee.

130. Ma, stay out of my private life.

131. Anyway, unfortunately, Maxwell is at a rehearsal.

132. He's rehearsing Sunday in the Park With George,

133. so he won't be home till Monday.

134. Ma, is there oxygen on your planet?

135. Aunt Sylvia, you are such a kidder. We'll wait.

136. You mean, you're just gonna stay here until he comes home?

137. We got full-fare tickets, no restrictions. We can stay forever.

138. I'm just going to run down to the bank.

139. Honey, you're home!

140. Beg your pardon?

141. The rehearsal went quick, huh? These are my relatives from Boca.

142. Oh, Sheffie, stop it. He is so naughty.

143. You're Mr. Sheffield, I'm your wife, and we're deliriously happy.

144. This is a big favor you're asking.

145. So was keeping my mouth shut about the crack in the Ming vase.

146. Maxwell Sheffield. Producer.

147. - Jack Norman. Realtor. - How do you do?

148. - I'm Marsha. So nice to meet you. - Likewise, and you are?

149. - Your mother-in-law. - Oh, right. Of course.

150. I was drunk at the wedding.

151. How are you, Mumsy?

152. So, Max.

153. - Max! - Oh, that's me.

154. - I take it business is very good? - Oh, yes, too good.

155. Yes, I curse every moment I'm away from my beautiful bride.

156. Oh, Shef.

157. Of course, I hobnob with the rich and famous,

158. but the only time I'm truly happy is when I'm with her.

159. She's my center, my compass, the light of my life.

160. Sorry. Sometimes I just get swept up in the magic that is Fran.

161. Well, who could blame you?

162. So, where are your kids? I want to meet your kids.

163. Or, should I say, his kids. 'Cause, you know, they're not the fruit of your womb.

164. Yeah, that's why this womb could still wear a bikini.

165. Unfortunately, the children, who adore my sweet Fran, went to the museum.

166. They're very cultured.

167. They're off by themselves? In this city?

168. Marsha, please. What kind of a mother do you think I am?

169. They're with—

170. - Who are they with? - Niles, the butler.

171. - I thought it was his day off. - It is, but it's—

172. - What do they call it again? - I can't wait to hear.

173. Butler Day at the museum.

174. - Butler Day? - Sure. Bring a butler get a free beverage.

175. - Oh please, babe, you always get the door. - Let me wait on you for a change.

176. - Who are you? - Sorry to disturb you, ma'am.

177. We're from the Professional Butlers' Association.

178. We're here to observe Niles.

179. - May we come in? - In here? Now?

180. Oy, I thought you guys weren't supposed to be here until Monday.

181. But it's our policy to show up early, to catch the prospective member unawares.

182. But, unfortunately, Niles isn't here, is he, darling?

183. No, darling. I'm afraid Niles is out.

184. Well, y'all come back and see us, you hear?

185. Actually, darling, that might not be good.

186. If they came back to observe Niles, they might confuse him with someone else.

187. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, what the hell. Come in.

188. We'll tell you everything you need to know about Niles.

189. I take it, sir, you are the master of the house?

190. Apparently.

191. These guys are from the butlers' association.

192. And they wanna talk to me and him, Max, about our butler, Niles, who isn't here.

193. Ma, you got a Rolaids?

194. - Are you fellows also butlers? - Yes, we are.

195. I'm surprised you're not at the museum.

196. You're not gonna believe this.

197. They closed the museum because of a bomb threat.

198. What kind of a world are we living in? Here.

199. And, who is this person?

200. That would be Niles, the butler.

201. I leave this house for just 20 minutes,

202. and I come back to some bizarre parallel universe.

203. You're me, I'm you, and you're married to her.

204. - He could do worse. - And I have.

205. - Sir, I would be the last to coerce you— - Coerce, coerce.

206. I would point out that if Ms. Fine's relations see through our charade,

207. they'll never let her forget it, or her poor mother.

208. And if you don't do this for Niles, he'll never get into the butlers' association,

209. and his family name will be mud forever.

210. By the way, Niles, what is your family name?

211. It's just Niles.

212. Like Cher.

213. The important thing is, your employees are bonding.

214. - It's a beautiful thing. - Yes.

215. Perhaps you'll get your next job together.

216. Father, I think we should go along with it.

217. Fran and Niles do so much for us. It's the least we can do for them.

218. Oh, how sweet.

219. And I get to boss Daddy around.

220. It's absurd. I'm not doing it, and that's final.

221. Speaking as an elected official, what we have here is domestic gridlock.

222. A failure of the Executive Branch and The House to work together.

223. I still can't believe someone voted for you.

224. No, no. Brighton's thinking is good.

225. His point being, that what we need here is a compromise.

226. Meaning I do what you want, and compromise my integrity.

227. That's democracy in action.

228. - All in favor? - Aye!

229. Look, if you can pull off this charade, fine.

230. But I'll have no part in it, and neither will the children.

231. So, what you're saying is, we have no rights.

232. - None whatsoever. - Just checking.

233. I am so parched.

234. You got something to drink?

235. - Niles. - Sorry. You got something to drink, Niles?

236. Where's he going? I believe somebody asked for a drink.

237. There are drinks in the kitchen. Please help yourselves.

238. Such insolence. How can you put up with it?

239. Well, we've been together for many years. Many, many years.

240. - It's a question of loyalty. - And friendship.

241. You can't really blame the butler. After all, the help reflects the hostess.

242. And let's face it, poor Franny here is in way over her head.

243. Will that be crushed ice or cubes, sir?

244. All right, Dad— Eeo, my butler,

245. with whom I have a cool, kind of hepcat, kind of beatnik, kind of—

246. Shut up, Brighton.

247. Thank you.

248. I apologize for my momentary lapse.

249. The bomb scare must have rattled my nerves.

250. Yeah, he's been a wreck ever since all that unpleasantness in the Falklands.

251. You saw action too? What ship were you on?

252. The other one.

253. Oh, Niles, the butler?

254. Yes, Grace?

255. I love this. While you're at it, how about some ice cream?

256. Will there be anything else?

257. Can I have a soda?

258. We can have anything we want. He's Niles, the butler.

259. - Niles, do you know what I'm thinking? - What, Brighton?

260. That's Master Brighton.

261. I'll be having my ice cream in the soda. And a round of Oreos, for my friends.

262. I don't think your father would approve

263. of all these sweets in the middle of the day.

264. Well, that's not really your call, is it, Niles, old man?

265. Can we, Daddy, please?

266. Oh, just this once.

267. - You're the coolest dad. - She never says that to me.

268. That's because you're Niles, the butler.

269. - Right. - And a fabulous butler he is.

270. We'll be the judge of that.

271. No pressure.

272. Are these darling children, or what?

273. Gorgeous.

274. We're very proud of Brighton. He was just elected president of his class.

275. Aw-shucks, Mommy. There you go again.

276. How impressive. You should see my Libby. Here she is at the equestrian center.

277. - Oh, beautiful smile. - That's Lightning. That's Libby.

278. Oh look. She's got your nose. The old one.

279. Oh, Niles, back again so soon? Speedy service, as always.

280. Thank you, sir. All part of being a good butler.

281. Oh he is just a master at physical comedy.

282. Enough, Niles. You're killing me.

283. Would you like me to get it?

284. Oh. No.

285. I'm the butler. I'll get it.

286. What now?

287. It's probably for you. Everyone I know is here.

288. - Hey, Brighton. - Kevin. Hi. What are you doing here?

289. I came here to invite you to the inaugural party.

290. Great, thanks. Bye.

291. Hear that, Marsha? They're throwing a party for the president.

292. Yeah, Brighton, and I wanted you to be there, even though I slaughtered you.

293. - What? Brighton, what's going on here? - Forget it. It's nothing. You should jus—

294. No, no. I wanna know what this is all about.

295. This butler is a real buttinski.

296. - I lost the election, okay? - You lost?

297. Brighton?

298. I knew no one would vote for him.

299. Brighton, I just don't understand. Why would you say you won, if you lost?

300. It seemed really important to you.

301. Maybe it was all that talk about you being president at Eton.

302. I just mentioned it in passing.

303. Well, 15 or 20 times.

304. I just wanted you to think I was a winner. Like you.

305. Angel, nobody wins all the time.

306. For every hit your father has, he's had a ton of flops, am I right?

307. - Well, I suppose— - How many flops have you had?

308. - Really couldn't say. - Well, ballpark. How many flops?

309. I think he's got the point.

310. - You know what I'm getting at, angel? - Yeah. We're all a bunch of losers.

311. No. Nobody's a loser.

312. Except my cousin Ira, but that's another story.

313. You're a good man, Brighton. Whatever happens, you can always tell me the truth.

314. - Really? - Well, of course.

315. I mean, what parent would want his child to pretend he's something he's not?

316. My mother.

317. Excuse me.

318. Oh, sure. They got their own Learjet.

319. They flew me to Pennsylvania, for a Hershey.

320. Well, I'm lucky if she drives me to the dog track.

321. Okay, Ma, enough with the charade.

322. Eighty-six it. I got them eating out of my hand.

323. Give it up, Ma. It's over. God, you were just like this with Perot.

324. From now on, we're telling the truth.

325. I'm not married, this is not my house. And, I'm the nanny here.

326. And I work for Mr.--

327. Sheffield.

328. You're a nanny?

329. Did you hear this, Daddy? She's just a nanny.

330. Who asked you anyway, you big green cow?

331. - Maggie. - What?

332. It's turquoise.

333. If I may speak, as just the butler.

334. I was here before Ms. Fine's arrival,

335. and I can tell you, she has made this house more...

336. chaotic, more contentious.

337. Definitely louder.

338. Now, she and Mr. Sheffield may not always see eye-to-eye.

339. But, at the risk of overstepping,

340. I don't think I've seen him or the children this happy for a very long time.

341. Oh, thank you, Mr.-- Niles.

342. That was a very moving speech.

343. And totally inappropriate.

344. I'll decide what's inappropriate in my home.

345. I like a bit of sentiment among the servants.

346. - Did you hear that, Daddy? Servant. - Yeah. That must really hurt, Syl.

347. Oh shut up Jack. At least she's got a job.

348. I wouldn't trade my Fran for all the Marshas in Miami.

349. Now, go get the car. I'll meet you out front.

350. It's not turquoise. It's emerald.

351. This has been a most unusual visit.

352. But, despite the charade being played all around you,

353. you managed to maintain your dignity.

354. Niles, we'd like to welcome you to the Professional Butlers' Association.

355. I don't know what to say. I'm really rather touched.

356. Oh, I'll get it.

357. - Good afternoon, all. - Oy.

358. I just had a fabulous conversation with our investors,

359. and I think I secured the St. James Theater for January.

360. That's wonderful!

361. - Did you hear that, Mr. Sheffield? - Yes, I heard, and I'm very excited.

362. Niles, Maxwell, what's going on here?

363. He's Niles?

364. - He's Mr. Sheffield? - Who are they?

365. We're from the Professional Butlers' Association.

366. And it seems we've been duped.

367. Hold it a second, boys. I'd like to know when the last time

368. you've seen a boss go to such lengths for his butler.

369. And make such a complete and utter fool of himself.

370. Not that you weren't adorable.

371. - The nanny has a point. - Yes, and we do need the dues.

372. You're in.

373. - We'll show ourselves out. - We're butlers. We know where the door is.

374. Oh, I feel totally cleansed. Everything is out in the open.

375. No more secrets.

376. Incidentally, Max, I ran into Lauren Bacall at the theater,

377. and she wanted to know if you got the caviar she sent.