The Nanny 1x4

1. Hey, Niles, are you okay?

2. Oh, I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.

3. Don't ask, don't tell.

4. But, for God's sakes, come out of the closet.

5. Ill, Ms. Fine. I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.

6. Oh, you British.

7. You look like us, you act like us, but bottom line, you're foreigners.

8. Come here. Let me take your temperature.

9. Ninety-nine point three.

10. I must say, you have very skillful lips.

11. - Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it. - Oh.

12. Put this down. Go upstairs, lie down, and rub on some Vicks.

13. I will let you know when dinner's ready.

14. - You? - You?

15. Yes, me. Now, go, go.

16. I'm perfectly capable of getting dinner on the table.

17. Hello, Fung Lum's? Do you deliver?

18. Okay, well, we want the family dinner.

19. Yeah. I feel like shrimp. Gracie, honey, what do you feel like?

20. I feel trapped.

21. Maybe, we should order the dysfunctional family dinner.

22. With that, they promise you shrimp, and then they don't give it to you.

23. - Niles! - Oh, hold on a minute.

24. The father may be joining us.

25. This could mean an upgrade to the imperial feast.

26. - What's going on? Where's Niles? - Oh, he's queer.

27. So we're doing take-out.

28. Take-out?

29. Well, I'm just trying to expose the children to other cultures.

30. We order Chinese food, they learn how Jewish people eat.

31. You sure you wouldn't rather take them to the 21 Club?

32. Oh, now, kids, if the man's insisting.

33. No, no, no. You have your fun. Order Chinese.

34. - Yes! - Yes!

35. Just make sure Grace gets an optimistic fortune.

36. All right.

37. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

38. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

39. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

40. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

41. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

42. She had style, she had flair She was there

43. That's how she became the Nanny

44. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

45. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

46. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

47. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

48. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

49. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

50. I don't care if you're down to your last one.

51. We waited an hour and a half for this food.

52. I should be hungry again, already.

53. - Finally. - Oh.

54. - Yay. - Ling, this better be you.

55. - Eddie? - Maggie.

56. - I thought this house looked familiar. - Come on in.

57. Oh, I can't. I have another order to deliver.

58. Meanwhile, I waited an hour and a half. What's their rush?

59. Are you that waiter that kissed Maggie at Daddy's party?

60. Good night, Gracie.

61. You know, Maggie never stops talking about you.

62. Sometimes— Ow!

63. - Fran, Maggie kicked me. - It wasn't Maggie.

64. Go. Start without us.

65. Ew, this bag's greasy.

66. Extra flavor.

67. So, does your father still wanna kill me for kissing you at the party?

68. Yeah.

69. Don't worry about him. He knows it was just a kiss.

70. It wasn't just a kiss for me.

71. You pay him. Give him a nice tip, but not too much.

72. We don't want him to think we're desperate.

73. Would you go eat?

74. Don't be nosy.

75. Stuck to the door again, Ms. Fine?

76. Niles, I'm the nanny. I'm paid to watch the children.

77. Why aren't you sleeping?

78. I was, but I put on so much eucalyptus rub I dreamt I was attacked by a giant koala.

79. You know, I have that same dream.

80. Now you're both scaring me. Come on. Have some wonton.

81. Now, listen, kids, when Maggie comes out I want you all to act like nothing happened.

82. Please, nobody give her the third degree.

83. Oh, tell me everything. What he say?

84. - Did he ask you out? - Yes.

85. - Where you gonna go? - What're you gonna wear?

86. What are you gonna tell Dad?

87. Maxwell, I thought we were going to meet at Le Cirque.

88. Why the sudden change in plans?

89. I have a special birthday present for you, and I just couldn't wait.

90. You didn't have to get me anything.

91. - Oh, all right. Forget it. - Maxwell, you beast.

92. C.C.

93. C.C., you've been alone too long.

94. A lovely woman like you should have someone to come home to.

95. Someone who loves you.

96. Oh, Maxwell.

97. Close your eyes and put out your hand.

98. An engagement dog?

99. I beg your pardon?

100. What an engaging dog.

101. Oh, Maxwell, how thoughtful.

102. Fluffy, and a good judge of character.

103. Well, he needs some time to get used to you.

104. I mean you can't expect a dog to just jump into your arms,

105. and love you at first sight.

106. Mr. Sheffield? Oh, you got her a puppy?

107. Oh, how sweet. Oh, and look how friendly he is.

108. Oh, look, he's like a little chestnut. You should call him Chester.

109. If you don't mind, he's my dog. I'll name him.

110. Chester it is.

111. Maxwell, I don't know how to thank you for this lovely gift.

112. I'll think I'll just take him home and put him to sleep.

113. - You mean to bed. - Whatever.

114. Maxwell, I'll meet you at the restaurant.

115. Bye, Chester. Bye, little Chester. Bye.

116. You should've gotten her the toaster oven.

117. Yes, Ms. Fine. Is this a social call?

118. Well, I do have a little problem I need to discuss with you.

119. It's not really a problem so much as it is a dilemma.

120. No, that has a negative connotation.

121. - Ms. Fine, I do have dinner reservations. - Oh well, I'm getting to it.

122. Maggie was asked out on a date tomorrow.

123. Oh, that's not a problem.

124. Just, tell her no.

125. Hence the dilemma.

126. You said, "Yes?"

127. Well, it's just a movie. A cartoon, yet.

128. How could you do that? And, who is this boy? Do I know him?

129. Does anybody really know anybody?

130. You're trying my patience.

131. Oh, all right. It was Eddie from the backers' party you threw.

132. Eddie, the kissing waiter?

133. Well, he's also a delivery boy.

134. It was fate, I tell you. He delivered the take-out.

135. He's saving up to go to Yale,

136. and I'm not talking about the locksmith school, either.

137. - Yale? Really? - Mm-hmm.

138. So, what's he going to study?

139. Study?

140. Llamas?

141. Drama.

142. Drama— So, my daughter wants to date an actor?

143. Where did I go wrong?

144. Oh, if you could've only seen the way those two kids looked at each other.

145. Oh, well, maybe it's better you didn't.

146. Ms. Fine, you see the position you've put me in?

147. Now you're the good guy,

148. and I'm the ogre who won't let his daughter go to the ball.

149. Oh, nobody thinks of it that way.

150. I mean, maybe the word "ogre" was mentioned.

151. Look, you can't shelter her forever. I mean, boys will come knocking.

152. And, if you don't let them in the front door,

153. she is gonna start sneaking out the window. I have seen it 100 times.

154. - Take Theresa Polelli. - Theresa Polelli, the casting director?

155. - You know her? - Well, I've used her.

156. And, the legend lives on.

157. Oh, very well, Ms. Fine. Margaret may go on her date.

158. Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

159. - Good night, Ms. Fine. - Good night, Mr. Sheffield.

160. - Enjoy the movie tomorrow. - What? I'm not going.

161. Yes, you are. You're going to chaperone.

162. Chaperone? Is that even still a word?

163. Ogres still use it.

164. Oh, why do I have to be the Nuchshlep?

165. - The what-shlep? - The Nuchshlep.

166. The tag-along, the pathetic loser living on the cusp of other people's lives.

167. Oh, I'm sure you'll catch on quickly.

168. So, what did he say, yes or no?

169. Yes, but you're not gonna like the fine print. I have to go with you.

170. So, what you're saying is that on my first date alone with a gorgeous guy,

171. you're gonna be sitting right next to me?

172. You got it.

173. Thank God.

174. Oh, let's try this.

175. Excuse us. Would you mind moving down a seat?

176. - There's two seats there. - Yeah, but we're three.

177. Her date is getting our refreshments.

178. If she's on a date, who are you?

179. The chaperone.

180. Move down for the Nuchshlep.

181. Looks too young to be a Nuchshlep.

182. You don't have to be old. You just have to be a loser.

183. Are you two gonna talk through the whole movie?

184. So, how do you think it's going?

185. Nice. Very nice.

186. So, you don't think I'm being too quiet?

187. You know, let me give you a little bit of advice.

188. Remember when Eddie came to the house and you said hello?

189. Uh-huh.

190. That was good. Elaborate on that.

191. Well, how?

192. Honey, it's your first date. Why don't you just relax and enjoy it?

193. I remember my first date.

194. Robbie Ortoff. The Flamingo Beach Club.

195. What's she saying?

196. She's talking about the old days, when she had a life.

197. Do you mind? I'm trying to tell a story here.

198. The Nuchshlep's getting annoyed.

199. So, you didn't know what to say on your first date, either?

200. Oh, no, honey, but I've got the gift of gab.

201. The point is, you've got to be yourself too, only louder.

202. Hi.

203. Hello!

204. I got popcorn.

205. I love popcorn!

206. Here's your soda.

207. Oy, look at the size of this thing. It should come with a lifeguard.

208. Yeah, I think mine has an undertow.

209. Yeah. My soda's so big.

210. I don't think I'll be able to drink it all.

211. It's really big.

212. There is a God.

213. It is so good to see you back again on your feet, Niles.

214. Thank you, sir. I've prepared your favorite, Belgian waffles.

215. I don't recall them being my favorite.

216. Oh, then they must be mine.

217. It was my grandfather's recipe, served at the coronation breakfast of George VI.

218. Eggos.

219. Belgian waffles, Ms. Fine.

220. Very close.

221. So, Maggie, you haven't told us about your date last night.

222. Maggie, dear, your hair's in the syrup.

223. We had a wonderful time.

224. It was terrible. I didn't have anything to say. I sat there like a lump.

225. Well, so do mashed potatoes, and everybody likes them.

226. Maggie, you were great. She was a regular riot.

227. Remember that really funny thing that you said about the egg cream?

228. - That was you. - Oh.

229. I'm on that really funny joke you said about this guy in a turban?

230. - You. - Oh.

231. - Well, how about— - You, you, you.

232. Oh boy, was I on last night or what?

233. Well, I'm sure it'll go better next time.

234. There won't be a next time, because I'm never gonna see him again.

235. Because, I'm a worthless, pathetic, unlovable nothing.

236. Can I have your waffle?

237. Sweetheart, don't be so down on yourself.

238. Maggie, you have so much to offer.

239. I'm sure that's Eddie, probably, right now.

240. Yeah, right.

241. It's Master Eddie.

242. - There, what'd I tell you? - I'm afraid it's not for Ms. Margaret.

243. It's for you.

244. - Me? - Yes. You, you, you.

245. Hello? Yeah.

246. Uh-huh.

247. Uh-huh.

248. Uh-huh.

249. Okay.

250. Bye, Eddie.

251. Well?

252. Eddie says, "Hello."

253. And?

254. And, he wants to see me Friday night. Could you pass the syrup, please?

255. Why don't you just take it, like you take everything else?

256. - Margaret. - Is this sarcasm? From Margaret?

257. Maggie, maybe we should go talk somewhere?

258. - Why don't you just talk to Eddie? - Yes folks, it's definitely sarcasm.

259. And, Maggie scores again.

260. - Shut up, Brighton. - Let's just everyone calm down.

261. No. Let her vent. It'll make her feel better.

262. It'll make us all feel better.

263. I trusted you, and you stole my boyfriend. I hate you.

264. There. Doesn't everybody feel better now?

265. I know I do.

266. Honey, it's Daddy.

267. Look, if you come out of your room we'll go to Rumplemeyer's for some ice cream.

268. Can't you just let me die in peace?

269. Ice cream always used to work.

270. So did chaperoning.

271. What are you saying? This is my fault?

272. No, no. It's my fault for listening to you in the first place.

273. I never should have gone on that date.

274. Well, neither should Maggie, but you pushed her into it.

275. - I didn't push her. - Trust me, you pushed.

276. You always push. Push, push, push.

277. Wait. Are you implying that I push?

278. Niles, who's right here?

279. This darn cold. Can't hear a thing.

280. Okay, so maybe I push, but somebody has to.

281. Haven't you ever seen the little baby birds,

282. looking out over the edge of their nest?

283. It's the mama bird that has to push them into the world, so that they learn to fly.

284. Haven't you ever seen those little baby birds dead on the sidewalk?

285. One in ten, tops.

286. Well, if only you'd sat in the back of the movie theater

287. like a proper Nuchshlep.

288. But, no, you had to go be witty and charming and make the boy like you.

289. Can I help it if I effervesce?

290. Well, must you make everyone like you?

291. Even the dog preferred you over C.C.

292. Oh, now, that was pure animal instinct.

293. This never happened with the other nannies.

294. With their sour dispositions and chin whiskers.

295. Chin whiskers? In the age of electrolysis?

296. No excuse for that.

297. But, at least their boundaries were clear.

298. I don't know, sometimes you seem more like Maggie's girlfriend than her nanny.

299. Her girlfriend?

300. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're a genius.

301. - What did I say? - Nothing very profound, sir.

302. I thought you couldn't hear.

303. It's a miracle.

304. Go away.

305. I couldn't hear you. Did you say "come in?"

306. No, but do what you want. You will anyway.

307. I brought you some Mallomars.

308. I'm too depressed to eat.

309. Gee, I wish depression had that effect on me.

310. Do you know how humiliated I feel?

311. Losing my boyfriend, to my nanny?

312. Honey, I think you're too old to have a nanny.

313. I mean, it's okay for Brighton and Gracie.

314. But, I like to think of you and I more like friends.

315. Some friend. Do friends steal their friends' boyfriends?

316. Absolutely not.

317. I mean, take me and Val.

318. Sure, there were plenty of times when we would meet a guy,

319. and, she would fall in love with him, and he would fall in love with me.

320. Or, I would fall in love with him, and he would fall in love with—

321. No, that never happened.

322. The point is, though, we never let it ruin our friendship.

323. And that's the Official Girlfriend's Code.

324. The what?

325. You never heard of the Official Girlfriend's Code?

326. The O.G.C.?

327. No.

328. Oy, what do they teach you in those private schools?

329. Rule number one.

330. You never gossip about your best friend.

331. A totally moronic rule that nobody follows.

332. So, we'll move on to rule number two.

333. If a girl falls for a guy,

334. and the idiot guy falls for her effervescent,

335. but totally blameless friend.

336. Then, the aforementioned friend is obliged to dump him.

337. You would do that for me?

338. Honey, it's the O.G.C.

339. Maybe I will have one of those Mallomars.

340. Rule number three. When it comes to chocolate,

341. it's every girl for herself.

342. Rule number 27. Just because you're dumping someone,

343. doesn't mean you shouldn't look your best.

344. Oh, God. That's him. What are we gonna do?

345. Okay, don't worry. I'll let him down gently.

346. Destroy him.

347. All right.

348. - Can I listen? - Oh, sure.

349. What do you think the butler's pantry is for?

350. Just looking for a ladle.

351. Ah, here it is.

352. - Hello, Ed. - Hi.

353. I brought you some spareribs.

354. Oh, you are some little operator, aren't you?

355. First you ask Maggie out on a date,

356. then you toy with her emotions, now you're bringing me pork.

357. What are you, some kind of delivering Don Juan?

358. What are you talking about?

359. - Us. Me. You. It's not gonna happen. - You think—

360. Ms. Fine, you're old enough to be my—

361. - Watch it. - Sister.

362. I mean, I really like you as a friend.

363. Woah, wait a minute. Are you dumping me?

364. These ribs are for dumping?

365. No, they were more like kind of a bribe.

366. Oh, for what?

367. Well, I was hoping that maybe you could give Mr. Sheffield my picture and résumé.

368. Picture and résumé? That's what you wanted to ask me?

369. Yeah, you know, for when he casts his next show.

370. Well, why didn't you just ask Maggie that?

371. Well, because I really like her.

372. And, I don't know.

373. I just didn't want her to think I was using her.

374. Oh, but you don't mind using me.

375. Yeah. No, no, no.

376. I mean, I just thought it would be easier for you 'cause you're not shy. You're—

377. - Pushy. - Exactly.

378. Just give me the damn pictures.

379. So, is Maggie here? I thought, maybe, we could go for a walk.

380. One minute. I'll get her.

381. There are 19 rooms in this house. You all ended up in here?

382. - I needed a spoon. - Just returning the ladle.

383. All right. So, you all heard.

384. I feel your pain.

385. Thank you.

386. Come, children.

387. So, does this mean that I have to dump him, since he dumped you?

388. Technically, he didn't dump me because he never liked me in the first place.

389. Okay? So, there's your loophole. Make your move.

390. - Thank you. - Go take a walk with your boyfriend,

391. and let this pushy old broad eat her ribs in peace.

392. May I?

393. Of course you can. Have a good time.

394. Thank you, Dad.

395. Well, you're certainly singing a different tune.

396. Hey, if I don't open the door, she'll only sneak out the window.

397. Oh, that's very wise.

398. Yeah? Some pushy old broad told me.

399. Ms. Babcock, sir.

400. I hope she brought Chester.

401. Hello, all.

402. Oh, Chester. Come here.

403. Come here. Oh, good boy.

404. Oh, thank God you're okay.

405. You better watch it. She may need a muff.

406. Oh, it's so great that you love to floss.

407. I mean, you only get two sets of teeth, except my Cousin Ira.

408. He got three, but you know, he's a freak of nature.

409. Here we go. Oh, look at you.

410. Oh, how beautiful. You'll never have gum disease.

411. Yes.

412. You know, they also make a cinnamon floss.

413. This is the mint flavor.

414. You like that. I wish the children flossed like you do.

415. I'm gonna tell Ms. Babcock to buy you a whole case of dental floss.