1. Hey, Niles, are you okay?
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2. Oh, I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.
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3. Don't ask, don't tell.
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4. But, for God's sakes,
come out of the closet.
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5. Ill, Ms. Fine.
I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
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6. Oh, you British.
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7. You look like us, you act like us,
but bottom line, you're foreigners.
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8. Come here. Let me take your temperature.
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9. Ninety-nine point three.
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10. I must say, you have very skillful lips.
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11. - Oh, honey, you don't know the half of it.
- Oh.
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12. Put this down. Go upstairs,
lie down, and rub on some Vicks.
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13. I will let you know when dinner's ready.
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14. - You?
- You?
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15. Yes, me. Now, go, go.
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16. I'm perfectly capable
of getting dinner on the table.
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17. Hello, Fung Lum's? Do you deliver?
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18. Okay, well, we want the family dinner.
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19. Yeah. I feel like shrimp.
Gracie, honey, what do you feel like?
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20. I feel trapped.
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21. Maybe, we should order
the dysfunctional family dinner.
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22. With that, they promise you shrimp,
and then they don't give it to you.
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23. - Niles!
- Oh, hold on a minute.
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24. The father may be joining us.
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25. This could mean an upgrade
to the imperial feast.
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26. - What's going on? Where's Niles?
- Oh, he's queer.
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27. So we're doing take-out.
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28. Take-out?
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29. Well, I'm just trying to expose
the children to other cultures.
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30. We order Chinese food,
they learn how Jewish people eat.
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31. You sure you wouldn't rather
take them to the 21 Club?
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32. Oh, now, kids, if the man's insisting.
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33. No, no, no. You have your fun.
Order Chinese.
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34. - Yes!
- Yes!
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35. Just make sure
Grace gets an optimistic fortune.
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36. All right.
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37. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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38. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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39. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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40. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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41. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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42. She had style, she had flair She was there
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43. That's how she became the Nanny
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44. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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45. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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46. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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47. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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48. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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49. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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50. I don't care if you're down
to your last one.
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51. We waited an hour and a half
for this food.
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52. I should be hungry again, already.
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53. - Finally.
- Oh.
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54. - Yay.
- Ling, this better be you.
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55. - Eddie?
- Maggie.
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56. - I thought this house looked familiar.
- Come on in.
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57. Oh, I can't.
I have another order to deliver.
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58. Meanwhile, I waited an hour and a half.
What's their rush?
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59. Are you that waiter that kissed Maggie
at Daddy's party?
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60. Good night, Gracie.
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61. You know, Maggie never stops
talking about you.
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62. Sometimes— Ow!
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63. - Fran, Maggie kicked me.
- It wasn't Maggie.
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64. Go. Start without us.
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65. Ew, this bag's greasy.
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66. Extra flavor.
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67. So, does your father still wanna kill me
for kissing you at the party?
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68. Yeah.
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69. Don't worry about him.
He knows it was just a kiss.
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70. It wasn't just a kiss for me.
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71. You pay him.
Give him a nice tip, but not too much.
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72. We don't want him
to think we're desperate.
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73. Would you go eat?
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74. Don't be nosy.
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75. Stuck to the door again, Ms. Fine?
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76. Niles, I'm the nanny.
I'm paid to watch the children.
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77. Why aren't you sleeping?
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78. I was, but I put on so much eucalyptus rub
I dreamt I was attacked by a giant koala.
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79. You know, I have that same dream.
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80. Now you're both scaring me.
Come on. Have some wonton.
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81. Now, listen, kids, when Maggie comes out I
want you all to act like nothing happened.
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82. Please, nobody give her the third degree.
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83. Oh, tell me everything. What he say?
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84. - Did he ask you out?
- Yes.
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85. - Where you gonna go?
- What're you gonna wear?
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86. What are you gonna tell Dad?
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87. Maxwell, I thought we were going
to meet at Le Cirque.
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88. Why the sudden change in plans?
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89. I have a special birthday present
for you, and I just couldn't wait.
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90. You didn't have to get me anything.
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91. - Oh, all right. Forget it.
- Maxwell, you beast.
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92. C.C.
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93. C.C., you've been alone too long.
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94. A lovely woman like you
should have someone to come home to.
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95. Someone who loves you.
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96. Oh, Maxwell.
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97. Close your eyes and put out your hand.
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98. An engagement dog?
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99. I beg your pardon?
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100. What an engaging dog.
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101. Oh, Maxwell, how thoughtful.
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102. Fluffy, and a good judge of character.
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103. Well, he needs some time
to get used to you.
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104. I mean you can't expect a dog
to just jump into your arms,
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105. and love you at first sight.
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106. Mr. Sheffield? Oh, you got her a puppy?
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107. Oh, how sweet.
Oh, and look how friendly he is.
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108. Oh, look, he's like a little chestnut.
You should call him Chester.
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109. If you don't mind, he's my dog.
I'll name him.
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110. Chester it is.
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111. Maxwell, I don't know how
to thank you for this lovely gift.
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112. I'll think I'll just take him home
and put him to sleep.
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113. - You mean to bed.
- Whatever.
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114. Maxwell, I'll meet you at the restaurant.
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115. Bye, Chester. Bye, little Chester. Bye.
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116. You should've gotten her the toaster oven.
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117. Yes, Ms. Fine. Is this a social call?
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118. Well, I do have a little problem
I need to discuss with you.
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119. It's not really a problem
so much as it is a dilemma.
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120. No, that has a negative connotation.
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121. - Ms. Fine, I do have dinner reservations.
- Oh well, I'm getting to it.
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122. Maggie was asked out on a date tomorrow.
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123. Oh, that's not a problem.
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124. Just, tell her no.
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125. Hence the dilemma.
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126. You said, "Yes?"
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127. Well, it's just a movie. A cartoon, yet.
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128. How could you do that?
And, who is this boy? Do I know him?
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129. Does anybody really know anybody?
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130. You're trying my patience.
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131. Oh, all right. It was Eddie
from the backers' party you threw.
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132. Eddie, the kissing waiter?
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133. Well, he's also a delivery boy.
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134. It was fate, I tell you.
He delivered the take-out.
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135. He's saving up to go to Yale,
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136. and I'm not talking about
the locksmith school, either.
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137. - Yale? Really?
- Mm-hmm.
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138. So, what's he going to study?
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139. Study?
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140. Llamas?
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141. Drama.
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142. Drama— So, my daughter
wants to date an actor?
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143. Where did I go wrong?
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144. Oh, if you could've only seen the way
those two kids looked at each other.
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145. Oh, well, maybe it's better you didn't.
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146. Ms. Fine, you see
the position you've put me in?
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147. Now you're the good guy,
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148. and I'm the ogre who won't let
his daughter go to the ball.
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149. Oh, nobody thinks of it that way.
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150. I mean, maybe the word "ogre"
was mentioned.
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151. Look, you can't shelter her forever.
I mean, boys will come knocking.
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152. And, if you don't let them
in the front door,
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153. she is gonna start sneaking
out the window. I have seen it 100 times.
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154. - Take Theresa Polelli.
- Theresa Polelli, the casting director?
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155. - You know her?
- Well, I've used her.
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156. And, the legend lives on.
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157. Oh, very well, Ms. Fine.
Margaret may go on her date.
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158. Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
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159. - Good night, Ms. Fine.
- Good night, Mr. Sheffield.
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160. - Enjoy the movie tomorrow.
- What? I'm not going.
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161. Yes, you are. You're going to chaperone.
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162. Chaperone? Is that even still a word?
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163. Ogres still use it.
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164. Oh, why do I have to be the Nuchshlep?
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165. - The what-shlep?
- The Nuchshlep.
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166. The tag-along, the pathetic loser living
on the cusp of other people's lives.
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167. Oh, I'm sure you'll catch on quickly.
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168. So, what did he say, yes or no?
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169. Yes, but you're not gonna like
the fine print. I have to go with you.
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170. So, what you're saying is that on
my first date alone with a gorgeous guy,
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171. you're gonna be sitting right next to me?
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172. You got it.
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173. Thank God.
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174. Oh, let's try this.
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175. Excuse us.
Would you mind moving down a seat?
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176. - There's two seats there.
- Yeah, but we're three.
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177. Her date is getting our refreshments.
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178. If she's on a date, who are you?
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179. The chaperone.
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180. Move down for the Nuchshlep.
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181. Looks too young to be a Nuchshlep.
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182. You don't have to be old.
You just have to be a loser.
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183. Are you two gonna talk
through the whole movie?
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184. So, how do you think it's going?
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185. Nice. Very nice.
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186. So, you don't think I'm being too quiet?
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187. You know, let me give you
a little bit of advice.
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188. Remember when Eddie came
to the house and you said hello?
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189. Uh-huh.
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190. That was good. Elaborate on that.
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191. Well, how?
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192. Honey, it's your first date.
Why don't you just relax and enjoy it?
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193. I remember my first date.
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194. Robbie Ortoff. The Flamingo Beach Club.
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195. What's she saying?
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196. She's talking about the old days,
when she had a life.
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197. Do you mind?
I'm trying to tell a story here.
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198. The Nuchshlep's getting annoyed.
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199. So, you didn't know what to say
on your first date, either?
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200. Oh, no, honey,
but I've got the gift of gab.
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201. The point is, you've got
to be yourself too, only louder.
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202. Hi.
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203. Hello!
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204. I got popcorn.
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205. I love popcorn!
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206. Here's your soda.
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207. Oy, look at the size of this thing.
It should come with a lifeguard.
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208. Yeah, I think mine has an undertow.
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209. Yeah. My soda's so big.
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210. I don't think I'll be
able to drink it all.
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211. It's really big.
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212. There is a God.
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213. It is so good to see you back again
on your feet, Niles.
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214. Thank you, sir. I've prepared
your favorite, Belgian waffles.
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215. I don't recall them being my favorite.
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216. Oh, then they must be mine.
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217. It was my grandfather's recipe, served
at the coronation breakfast of George VI.
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218. Eggos.
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219. Belgian waffles, Ms. Fine.
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220. Very close.
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221. So, Maggie, you haven't
told us about your date last night.
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222. Maggie, dear, your hair's in the syrup.
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223. We had a wonderful time.
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224. It was terrible. I didn't have anything
to say. I sat there like a lump.
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225. Well, so do mashed potatoes,
and everybody likes them.
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226. Maggie, you were great.
She was a regular riot.
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227. Remember that really funny thing
that you said about the egg cream?
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228. - That was you.
- Oh.
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229. I'm on that really funny joke
you said about this guy in a turban?
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230. - You.
- Oh.
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231. - Well, how about—
- You, you, you.
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232. Oh boy, was I on last night or what?
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233. Well, I'm sure it'll go better next time.
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234. There won't be a next time,
because I'm never gonna see him again.
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235. Because, I'm a worthless,
pathetic, unlovable nothing.
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236. Can I have your waffle?
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237. Sweetheart, don't be so down on yourself.
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238. Maggie, you have so much to offer.
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239. I'm sure that's Eddie,
probably, right now.
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240. Yeah, right.
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241. It's Master Eddie.
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242. - There, what'd I tell you?
- I'm afraid it's not for Ms. Margaret.
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243. It's for you.
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244. - Me?
- Yes. You, you, you.
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245. Hello? Yeah.
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246. Uh-huh.
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247. Uh-huh.
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248. Uh-huh.
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249. Okay.
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250. Bye, Eddie.
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251. Well?
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252. Eddie says, "Hello."
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253. And?
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254. And, he wants to see me Friday night.
Could you pass the syrup, please?
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255. Why don't you just take it,
like you take everything else?
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256. - Margaret.
- Is this sarcasm? From Margaret?
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257. Maggie, maybe we should go talk somewhere?
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258. - Why don't you just talk to Eddie?
- Yes folks, it's definitely sarcasm.
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259. And, Maggie scores again.
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260. - Shut up, Brighton.
- Let's just everyone calm down.
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261. No. Let her vent.
It'll make her feel better.
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262. It'll make us all feel better.
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263. I trusted you, and you stole my boyfriend.
I hate you.
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264. There. Doesn't everybody feel better now?
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265. I know I do.
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266. Honey, it's Daddy.
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267. Look, if you come out of your room we'll
go to Rumplemeyer's for some ice cream.
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268. Can't you just let me die in peace?
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269. Ice cream always used to work.
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270. So did chaperoning.
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271. What are you saying? This is my fault?
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272. No, no. It's my fault for listening
to you in the first place.
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273. I never should have gone on that date.
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274. Well, neither should Maggie,
but you pushed her into it.
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275. - I didn't push her.
- Trust me, you pushed.
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276. You always push. Push, push, push.
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277. Wait. Are you implying that I push?
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278. Niles, who's right here?
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279. This darn cold. Can't hear a thing.
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280. Okay, so maybe I push,
but somebody has to.
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281. Haven't you ever seen
the little baby birds,
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282. looking out over the edge of their nest?
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283. It's the mama bird that has to push them
into the world, so that they learn to fly.
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284. Haven't you ever seen those little
baby birds dead on the sidewalk?
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285. One in ten, tops.
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286. Well, if only you'd sat in the back of
the movie theater
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287. like a proper Nuchshlep.
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288. But, no, you had to go be witty
and charming and make the boy like you.
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289. Can I help it if I effervesce?
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290. Well, must you make everyone like you?
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291. Even the dog preferred you over C.C.
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292. Oh, now, that was pure animal instinct.
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293. This never happened
with the other nannies.
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294. With their sour dispositions
and chin whiskers.
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295. Chin whiskers? In the age of electrolysis?
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296. No excuse for that.
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297. But, at least their boundaries were clear.
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298. I don't know, sometimes you seem more like
Maggie's girlfriend than her nanny.
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299. Her girlfriend?
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300. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you're a genius.
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301. - What did I say?
- Nothing very profound, sir.
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302. I thought you couldn't hear.
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303. It's a miracle.
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304. Go away.
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305. I couldn't hear you.
Did you say "come in?"
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306. No, but do what you want. You will anyway.
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307. I brought you some Mallomars.
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308. I'm too depressed to eat.
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309. Gee, I wish depression
had that effect on me.
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310. Do you know how humiliated I feel?
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311. Losing my boyfriend, to my nanny?
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312. Honey, I think you're too old
to have a nanny.
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313. I mean, it's okay for Brighton and Gracie.
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314. But, I like to think
of you and I more like friends.
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315. Some friend. Do friends steal
their friends' boyfriends?
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316. Absolutely not.
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317. I mean, take me and Val.
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318. Sure, there were plenty of times
when we would meet a guy,
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319. and, she would fall in love with him,
and he would fall in love with me.
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320. Or, I would fall in love with him,
and he would fall in love with—
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321. No, that never happened.
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322. The point is, though,
we never let it ruin our friendship.
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323. And that's the Official Girlfriend's Code.
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324. The what?
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325. You never heard
of the Official Girlfriend's Code?
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326. The O.G.C.?
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327. No.
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328. Oy, what do they teach
you in those private schools?
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329. Rule number one.
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330. You never gossip about your best friend.
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331. A totally moronic rule
that nobody follows.
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332. So, we'll move on to rule number two.
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333. If a girl falls for a guy,
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334. and the idiot guy
falls for her effervescent,
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335. but totally blameless friend.
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336. Then, the aforementioned friend
is obliged to dump him.
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337. You would do that for me?
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338. Honey, it's the O.G.C.
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339. Maybe I will have one of those Mallomars.
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340. Rule number three.
When it comes to chocolate,
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341. it's every girl for herself.
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342. Rule number 27.
Just because you're dumping someone,
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343. doesn't mean you shouldn't look your best.
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344. Oh, God. That's him. What are we gonna do?
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345. Okay, don't worry.
I'll let him down gently.
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346. Destroy him.
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347. All right.
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348. - Can I listen?
- Oh, sure.
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349. What do you think
the butler's pantry is for?
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350. Just looking for a ladle.
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351. Ah, here it is.
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352. - Hello, Ed.
- Hi.
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353. I brought you some spareribs.
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354. Oh, you are some little operator,
aren't you?
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355. First you ask Maggie out on a date,
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356. then you toy with her emotions,
now you're bringing me pork.
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357. What are you,
some kind of delivering Don Juan?
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358. What are you talking about?
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359. - Us. Me. You. It's not gonna happen.
- You think—
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360. Ms. Fine, you're old enough to be my—
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361. - Watch it.
- Sister.
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362. I mean, I really like you as a friend.
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363. Woah, wait a minute. Are you dumping me?
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364. These ribs are for dumping?
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365. No, they were more like kind of a bribe.
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366. Oh, for what?
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367. Well, I was hoping that maybe you could
give Mr. Sheffield my picture and résumé.
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368. Picture and résumé?
That's what you wanted to ask me?
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369. Yeah, you know,
for when he casts his next show.
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370. Well, why didn't you just ask Maggie that?
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371. Well, because I really like her.
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372. And, I don't know.
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373. I just didn't want her to think
I was using her.
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374. Oh, but you don't mind using me.
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375. Yeah. No, no, no.
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376. I mean, I just thought it would be easier
for you 'cause you're not shy. You're—
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377. - Pushy.
- Exactly.
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378. Just give me the damn pictures.
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379. So, is Maggie here?
I thought, maybe, we could go for a walk.
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380. One minute. I'll get her.
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381. There are 19 rooms in this house.
You all ended up in here?
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382. - I needed a spoon.
- Just returning the ladle.
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383. All right. So, you all heard.
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384. I feel your pain.
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385. Thank you.
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386. Come, children.
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387. So, does this mean that I have
to dump him, since he dumped you?
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388. Technically, he didn't dump me because
he never liked me in the first place.
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389. Okay? So, there's your loophole.
Make your move.
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390. - Thank you.
- Go take a walk with your boyfriend,
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391. and let this pushy old broad
eat her ribs in peace.
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392. May I?
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393. Of course you can. Have a good time.
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394. Thank you, Dad.
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395. Well, you're certainly
singing a different tune.
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396. Hey, if I don't open the door,
she'll only sneak out the window.
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397. Oh, that's very wise.
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398. Yeah? Some pushy old broad told me.
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399. Ms. Babcock, sir.
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400. I hope she brought Chester.
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401. Hello, all.
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402. Oh, Chester. Come here.
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403. Come here. Oh, good boy.
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404. Oh, thank God you're okay.
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405. You better watch it. She may need a muff.
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406. Oh, it's so great that you love to floss.
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407. I mean, you only get two sets of teeth,
except my Cousin Ira.
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408. He got three, but you know,
he's a freak of nature.
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409. Here we go. Oh, look at you.
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410. Oh, how beautiful.
You'll never have gum disease.
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411. Yes.
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412. You know, they also make a cinnamon floss.
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413. This is the mint flavor.
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414. You like that.
I wish the children flossed like you do.
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415. I'm gonna tell Ms. Babcock
to buy you a whole case of dental floss.
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