1. No, Ma, we can't go to Sizzler.Copy !req
2. Why? Because you're not welcome
there anymore.Copy !req
3. You took half the dessert bar
home in your purse.Copy !req
4. I know it's all-you-can-eat—
at the restaurant!Copy !req
5. All right, bye. Oh, it's always the same
thing with her on Mother's Day.Copy !req
6. We always have to go
where she wants to go.Copy !req
7. Be grateful she just wanted dinner.Copy !req
8. My mother always insisted
I take her to Bath.Copy !req
9. To Bath? Oh, boy.Copy !req
10. My Aunt Polly used to take her son Sheldon
in the tub with her until he was six.Copy !req
11. P.S., they both ended up
on a very special Geraldo.Copy !req
12. Bath is a town in England.Copy !req
13. Well, I don't care where you did it,
it's still weird.Copy !req
14. Meanwhile, you want to know
what I'm doing for my mother?Copy !req
15. I got all the old home movies
and I'm gonna put them on tape.Copy !req
16. I only wish that they had sound
so I could hear myself talk.Copy !req
17. Be careful what you wish for.Copy !req
18. You know, I hate to bring this up, but...Copy !req
19. what do they do for Mother's Day
around here?Copy !req
20. We don't mention it.Copy !req
21. Well, if you want my opinion...Copy !req
22. I said, if you want my opinion...Copy !req
23. Desperately.Copy !req
24. I don't think it's normal. I mean,
they all act as if Sara never existed.Copy !req
25. You know, in my house,
if we didn't talk about the dead,Copy !req
26. we'd have nothing to talk about...Copy !req
27. but food. Great thing about funerals,
you get both.Copy !req
28. Well, Mr. Sheffield likes to keep
the children busyCopy !req
29. so they don't get depressed.Copy !req
30. Every year, he comes up
with a new diversion.Copy !req
31. Well, you know, when I used
to be down in the dumpsCopy !req
32. my mom used to buy me a new Pez dispenser.Copy !req
33. - Well, that's nice.
- Yeah.Copy !req
34. Great news. We have just joined
a country club.Copy !req
35. That's nice, too.Copy !req
36. Yes, look, these facilities are top-notch.Copy !req
37. They even have a five-star chef.Copy !req
38. Boy, reminds me
of the Flamingo Beach Club.Copy !req
39. Our chef used to make a roast beef...Copy !req
40. you'd never know the week before
it came in ninth at Belmont.Copy !req
41. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, QueensCopy !req
42. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenesCopy !req
43. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fannyCopy !req
44. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' doorCopy !req
45. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw moreCopy !req
46. She had style, she had flair
She was thereCopy !req
47. That's how she became the NannyCopy !req
48. Who would have guessed
That the girl we describedCopy !req
49. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?Copy !req
50. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.Copy !req
51. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!Copy !req
52. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tanCopy !req
53. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named FranCopy !req
54. And this is the club room.Copy !req
55. Oh, wow! Look at all this paneling.Copy !req
56. Boy, half the dues must go
to Lemon Pledge.Copy !req
57. Oh, I'm certainly glad we joined.Copy !req
58. You know, this is a wonderful way
for a family all to be together.Copy !req
59. - I'm going to the video room, Dad.
- I'm gonna see the pool.Copy !req
60. Oh. Have fun. You're both out of the will.Copy !req
61. It's a very family-oriented club.Copy !req
62. We have lots of special activities
to keep the children busy.Copy !req
63. That's perfect.
It'll help take their mind off...Copy !req
64. You can say it.Copy !req
65. We have a special event for Mother's Day.Copy !req
66. Or she can.Copy !req
67. A mother-daughter beauty pageant.
You two should sign up.Copy !req
68. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
69. No, I meant them.Copy !req
70. Not that you're not attractive
in your own right.Copy !req
71. Me and Ma went up
for something like that once.Copy !req
72. And we would have won, too,
except she insisted on wearing a bikini.Copy !req
73. Well, what's wrong with that?Copy !req
74. Have you ever seen
a hysterectomy scar from the '60s?Copy !req
75. Daddy, can we be in the pageant?Copy !req
76. Well, no, sweetheart.Copy !req
77. - We already have plans for Sunday.
- We do?Copy !req
78. Yes, we have the Guggenheim,
the Radio City Music Hall,Copy !req
79. Empire State Building, Circle Line tour—Copy !req
80. - That's all?
- Then lunch.Copy !req
81. Then the zoo,
then the Statue of Liberty, FAO Schwarz—Copy !req
82. Why don't you just chloroform them
till Monday?Copy !req
83. Well, while you two work it out,Copy !req
84. I'll introduce Grace
to some of the other children.Copy !req
85. Okay, but I'm warning you, I'm a loner.Copy !req
86. What's your problem?Copy !req
87. Miss Fine, the last thing Grace needs
on Mother's DayCopy !req
88. is to be reminded of her mother.Copy !req
89. All right.Copy !req
90. - What, you think I'm wrong?
- I'm not saying that.Copy !req
91. So, you're agreeing with me?Copy !req
92. I can't understand a bloody word
you're saying.Copy !req
93. All I'm saying is that Grace
is a little girlCopy !req
94. who wants to be in a beauty pageant
and get dolled up.Copy !req
95. Now, if it doesn't bother her,
why should it bother you?Copy !req
96. I just don't want to see Grace get hurt,
that's all.Copy !req
97. Well, there aren't a lot
of pageant-related injuries.Copy !req
98. Except for that time Ellen Anterman
spiked me with her six-inch heels.Copy !req
99. But I got even,
I switched her hairspray for Pam.Copy !req
100. She won anyway, but she couldn't keep
that crown on her head for nothing.Copy !req
101. They make luncheon meat in an aerosol?Copy !req
102. No. You're thinking of Spam.Copy !req
103. That, she would have noticed right away.Copy !req
104. And now for my final trick,
I will saw my assistant in half.Copy !req
105. Now, explain to me againCopy !req
106. why you're the magician
and I'm the assistant.Copy !req
107. Well, because the beautiful woman
is always the assistant.Copy !req
108. Oh!Copy !req
109. There's one born every minute.Copy !req
110. Are you sure you know what you're doing?Copy !req
111. Sure. The instructions
are somewhere around here.Copy !req
112. I can't believe
Dad's letting Gracie do this.Copy !req
113. I can't believe I'm letting Gracie
do this.Copy !req
114. No, I mean,
being in the Mother's Day pageant.Copy !req
115. Dad doesn't even like to talk about Mom.Copy !req
116. What was she like?Copy !req
117. She was really pretty.Copy !req
118. She had the best laugh.Copy !req
119. - And she always liked to sing—
- Off-key.Copy !req
120. Come on, are we gonna do this or what?Copy !req
121. I found the instructions.Copy !req
122. "Now take a knife
and cut into even pieces."Copy !req
123. Wait a sec. Let me see that.Copy !req
124. These are the instructions
for your Easy-Bake Oven.Copy !req
125. Yes, but you'll serve eight.Copy !req
126. - Oh, we'll just wing it.
- Yes, what's the worst that can happen?Copy !req
127. I don't know. Did you see Boxing Helena?Copy !req
128. No, but then, nobody did.Copy !req
129. Abracadabra!Copy !req
130. - How was it for you?
- Well, it's a little bit tingly, but...Copy !req
131. not altogether unpleasant.Copy !req
132. Miss Grace, this seems to be stuck
on something.Copy !req
133. Give her neck a pull.Copy !req
134. Now watch this.Copy !req
135. Hey, hey, I'm getting a draft here.Copy !req
136. This is really weird.Copy !req
137. It's just separation anxiety.Copy !req
138. Oh, no. How terrible.Copy !req
139. - What?
- I've got a run in my stockings.Copy !req
140. I'm telling you, Maxwell,Copy !req
141. this whole mother-daughter beauty pageant
is a terrible idea.Copy !req
142. On the other hand...Copy !req
143. Keep her away from me!Copy !req
144. Wait! Whoa! Get my other half!Copy !req
145. - Well, this is really very impressive.
- Thanks.Copy !req
146. I hope I'm not gonna pay time and a half.Copy !req
147. Where are the swords we plunge in?Copy !req
148. That's a different trick.Copy !req
149. It doesn't have to be.Copy !req
150. All right, all right, put me together,
you guys.Copy !req
151. I can't find the instructions.Copy !req
152. Well, here's a thought: Help her look!Copy !req
153. Why don't we go for a little spin?Copy !req
154. All right, you've had your fun.Copy !req
155. Now I'm getting annoyed,
and a little nauseous.Copy !req
156. Oh, I am so sorry.
Let's get you some fresh air.Copy !req
157. What?Copy !req
158. Everyone's so nice here.
That lady never stopped smiling.Copy !req
159. Oh, I know. I think she probably had
one too many facelifts.Copy !req
160. Did you see that bow
in the back of her head?Copy !req
161. It was her ears.Copy !req
162. So, what do we do first?Copy !req
163. Well, let's psych out the competition.Copy !req
164. Come on,
let's kick some country club butt.Copy !req
165. Uh-oh, don't look now,
Breck girl at nine o'clock.Copy !req
166. And a No-More-Tears babe
bringing up the rear.Copy !req
167. Oh, they're making the first move.
Act confident. Chest out.Copy !req
168. It is out.Copy !req
169. - Hello.
- Hi.Copy !req
170. I'm Fran, and this is Gracie.Copy !req
171. I'm Bobbie Jo,
and this is my daughter Betty Jo.Copy !req
172. Oh, how are things at Petticoat Junction?Copy !req
173. So, is this your first beauty pageant?Copy !req
174. Hardly. Yours?Copy !req
175. Oh, afraid not.Copy !req
176. Miss Sun Belt, 1982.Copy !req
177. '83, Miss Manny, Moe and Jack.Copy !req
178. '84, Miss Leon County.Copy !req
179. '85, Miss Union Turnpike.Copy !req
180. '87, finalist, Miss Universe.Copy !req
181. Oh, nothing in '86, huh?Copy !req
182. - Good luck.
- Thanks.Copy !req
183. You'll need it.Copy !req
184. Well, they're tough, but we'll get them
in the talent competition.Copy !req
185. Well, they're talented,Copy !req
186. but those big calves,
they're gonna cost them.Copy !req
187. Oh!Copy !req
188. Oh! Aren't they wonderful?Copy !req
189. They've won the last three years in a row.Copy !req
190. Well, it's a catchy tune,
but can you dance to it?Copy !req
191. Wait till they see our magic act.Copy !req
192. Forget it. Nothing's getting me
back into that box.Copy !req
193. Why not?Copy !req
194. Because you left me in there forever,
plus I had an itch on my foot.Copy !req
195. - Why didn't you scratch it?
- It was in another room!Copy !req
196. - We're gonna have to switch to plan B.
- What's that?Copy !req
197. Call Gillooly.Copy !req
198. Oh, look at those women over there,
sucking up to the judges.Copy !req
199. Oh, I'll tell you, it is so demeaning.Copy !req
200. Whoops! A spot just opened up. Excuse me.Copy !req
201. Trust no one.Copy !req
202. Hi.Copy !req
203. - Hi.
- Hi.Copy !req
204. I hate beauty pageants, don't you?Copy !req
205. - I'm not supposed to talk to anyone.
- Why?Copy !req
206. I just want to be your friend.
Your mom's real pretty.Copy !req
207. Thanks, but she's not my mom.
She's my nanny.Copy !req
208. See ya.Copy !req
209. Well, if nothing else, we've got a lock
on Miss Congeniality.Copy !req
210. This woman should not be allowed
to compete in the pageant. She's a fake.Copy !req
211. I'm a fake?Copy !req
212. Let she, who is without silicone,
cast the first stone.Copy !req
213. Listen, you are not this child's mother.
You're her nanny.Copy !req
214. Yeah, so?Copy !req
215. Well, this is a mother-daughter pageant.Copy !req
216. Well, we're very close.Copy !req
217. So what if she's not my mother?
What's the difference?Copy !req
218. It's against the rules.Copy !req
219. I don't have a mother. She died.Copy !req
220. Oh, boy. You will stop at nothing.Copy !req
221. Don't ever go out for cheerleader.Copy !req
222. - Niles!
- Sir?Copy !req
223. Planning on running away
to join the circus?Copy !req
224. Why would I do that, sir?Copy !req
225. Well, you were juggling.Copy !req
226. Juggling, sir?Copy !req
227. Niles, I just saw you with my own eyes.Copy !req
228. Is there something I can do for you, sir?Copy !req
229. You can start
by admitting you were juggling.Copy !req
230. That will never happen, sir.Copy !req
231. Now I forgot what I came in here for.Copy !req
232. All right, let's see.
I was in the office with C.C., and...Copy !req
233. oh, yes, I was trying
to get away from C.C.Copy !req
234. You know,
she can be so trying this time of year.Copy !req
235. She keeps reminding me
not to think about Sara.Copy !req
236. I don't know
how she can be so insensitive.Copy !req
237. Oh, sir, the woman would invite
the Clintons to go white-water rafting.Copy !req
238. Oh, Maxwell.Copy !req
239. There you are.
I have been all over for you!Copy !req
240. C.C.!Copy !req
241. Oh, dear. Now, how did that get there?Copy !req
242. I'm terribly sorry, C.C.
Are you all right?Copy !req
243. If I've told those children once,
I've told them a million timesCopy !req
244. not to leave their fruit
lying around the house.Copy !req
245. Gracie!Copy !req
246. Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
247. What's going on? What's wrong with Gracie?Copy !req
248. She has to go to the bathroom real bad?Copy !req
249. Miss Fine.Copy !req
250. Well, Gracie is all upsetCopy !req
251. because some nutcase woman
made a big stinkCopy !req
252. just because I'm not her mother.Copy !req
253. And then, well, Gracie had to say
that she doesn't have a mother and...Copy !req
254. it kind of went downhill from there.Copy !req
255. Oh, Nanny Fine's pageant
has turned into a complete disaster.Copy !req
256. Niles, break out the bubbly.Copy !req
257. You have no power here.Copy !req
258. Be gone before someone
drops a house on you.Copy !req
259. I just knew this was a bad idea.Copy !req
260. - I should have trusted my instincts.
- Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't blame yourself.Copy !req
261. I don't.Copy !req
262. Sweetheart? Can we talk
to you for a minute?Copy !req
263. No, I'm busy.Copy !req
264. You're doing a beautiful job there,Copy !req
265. except dolly's beginning to look
a little like Sinead O'Connor.Copy !req
266. Sweetheart, I made a mistake.Copy !req
267. I should never have let you enter
that pageant.Copy !req
268. Oh, no, no, no. It's all my fault.Copy !req
269. Your father didn't want us to enter,
but I wouldn't listen.Copy !req
270. I was just too busy talking.
I do that sometimes.Copy !req
271. - I just talk and—
- Miss Fine.Copy !req
272. - What?
- You're doing it.Copy !req
273. Oh, right. Well, I'm gonna stop now.Copy !req
274. The talking, not the listening.Copy !req
275. The listening I'm gonna keep on doing.
It's the talking I'm gonna stop.Copy !req
276. Okay, I've stopped. Go ahead.Copy !req
277. Thank you.Copy !req
278. Sweetheart, I do understand how you feel.Copy !req
279. All those other girls with their mommies.Copy !req
280. It just reminded you
how much you miss yours.Copy !req
281. But that's what's wrong. I don't miss her.Copy !req
282. You don't?Copy !req
283. No. I don't remember her.Copy !req
284. Oh.Copy !req
285. Oh.Copy !req
286. Gracie. Come here.Copy !req
287. Brighton and Maggie do, but I can't.
Is that bad?Copy !req
288. Oh, no, of course not, sweetheart.
They're older than you.Copy !req
289. How come you never talk about her?Copy !req
290. Well, because sometimes it's very...
difficult for Daddy.Copy !req
291. Oh.Copy !req
292. You can't remember her either?Copy !req
293. No, sweetheart, I remember everything.
I remember the first time I saw her.Copy !req
294. I remember her sweetness and her laugh.Copy !req
295. I especially remember
how much she loved you.Copy !req
296. - She did?
- Oh, more than anything.Copy !req
297. And I should never have let
you forget that.Copy !req
298. I was just trying to protect you...Copy !req
299. and I suppose myself.Copy !req
300. - Can you forgive me?
- It's okay, Daddy.Copy !req
301. Well, at least now you two
can remember her together.Copy !req
302. Do you think that Mommy
would want me to be in the pageant?Copy !req
303. I think she would want whatever you want.Copy !req
304. I want to do it.Copy !req
305. Me and Fran are gonna kick
some country club butt.Copy !req
306. Oy. I don't know where
she gets these things.Copy !req
307. And next, we have our newest members,
Fran Fine and Grace Sheffield, doing...Copy !req
308. well, I'm not exactly sure
what they're doing...Copy !req
309. but I'm sure we'll all enjoy it.Copy !req
310. - Frannie!
- All right, Gracie!Copy !req
311. Thank you.Copy !req
312. Bravo!Copy !req
313. Encore!Copy !req
314. All right!Copy !req
315. Here, sweetie.Copy !req
316. Oh, yeah, yeah. What?Copy !req
317. Oh, aren't you Patti LaBelle? I love you.Copy !req
318. Well, I love you, too,
you were great out there, girl.Copy !req
319. Oh, thanks. The judges
really appreciate a class act.Copy !req
320. I know they do.Copy !req
321. - What are you doing here?
- Well, I came to pick up my—Copy !req
322. - Hi, Mommy!
- Hi, sweetie.Copy !req
323. Oh!Copy !req
324. Oh...Copy !req
325. Come on, baby. We're up next.Copy !req
326. - Good luck.
- Goodbye.Copy !req
327. Like she needs luck. She's a professional.Copy !req
328. Don't these contests have rules?Copy !req
329. They bent the rules for us.Copy !req
330. Oh, whose side are you on anyway?Copy !req
331. What did you have?Copy !req
332. Oh, is she fabulous?
You know, I'm her biggest fan.Copy !req
333. Oh, I'll tell you,
if they don't come in second,Copy !req
334. there's no justice.Copy !req
335. Thank you.Copy !req
336. Aren't you ever gonna take
that stupid sash off?Copy !req
337. No.Copy !req
338. Leave her alone.Copy !req
339. How many times in your life do you become
first runner-up in a beauty pageant?Copy !req
340. Counting this one, 12.Copy !req
341. Well, here they are,
the Fine family home movies.Copy !req
342. Oh, when my mother sees this,
she's just going to plotz.Copy !req
343. These are you from the olden days?Copy !req
344. Yes, if you keep your eyes peeledCopy !req
345. you may see a stegosaurus
in the background.Copy !req
346. Oh, is that adorable!Copy !req
347. Oh, look at my mother.Copy !req
348. Her hair was much smaller then.Copy !req
349. As her hips got wider, so did her hair.Copy !req
350. Kind of a balancing act.Copy !req
351. Oh, my. You were in a hurry.Copy !req
352. There must have been a sale somewhere.Copy !req
353. - Oh, you're already watching something.
- Oh, no, that's okay. That's okay.Copy !req
354. We're just watching
some adorable shots of me,Copy !req
355. but I made you all copies, so...Copy !req
356. What's that, Daddy?Copy !req
357. It's a special Mother's Day gift
for all of us.Copy !req
358. Watch it carefully. Here it comes.Copy !req
359. Yeah!Copy !req
360. Boy, I was a real jerk back then.
Sorry, Maggie.Copy !req
361. Move it or lose it.Copy !req
362. - I'm gonna get you!
- I did my best.Copy !req
363. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, your first flop.Copy !req
364. We worked on that
spontaneous wave for hours.Copy !req
365. Gracie, that's you, angel.Copy !req
366. Oh, there's Mom.Copy !req
367. I remember that.Copy !req
368. Oh, I'm sorry. I screwed it up.Copy !req
369. I'm sorry.Copy !req
370. - I always get stuck on that same lyric.
- Play it back.Copy !req