1. No, Ma, we can't go to Sizzler.
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2. Why? Because you're not welcome
there anymore.
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3. You took half the dessert bar
home in your purse.
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4. I know it's all-you-can-eat—
at the restaurant!
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5. All right, bye. Oh, it's always the same
thing with her on Mother's Day.
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6. We always have to go
where she wants to go.
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7. Be grateful she just wanted dinner.
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8. My mother always insisted
I take her to Bath.
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9. To Bath? Oh, boy.
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10. My Aunt Polly used to take her son Sheldon
in the tub with her until he was six.
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11. P.S., they both ended up
on a very special Geraldo.
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12. Bath is a town in England.
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13. Well, I don't care where you did it,
it's still weird.
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14. Meanwhile, you want to know
what I'm doing for my mother?
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15. I got all the old home movies
and I'm gonna put them on tape.
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16. I only wish that they had sound
so I could hear myself talk.
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17. Be careful what you wish for.
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18. You know, I hate to bring this up, but...
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19. what do they do for Mother's Day
around here?
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20. We don't mention it.
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21. Well, if you want my opinion...
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22. I said, if you want my opinion...
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23. Desperately.
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24. I don't think it's normal. I mean,
they all act as if Sara never existed.
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25. You know, in my house,
if we didn't talk about the dead,
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26. we'd have nothing to talk about...
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27. but food. Great thing about funerals,
you get both.
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28. Well, Mr. Sheffield likes to keep
the children busy
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29. so they don't get depressed.
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30. Every year, he comes up
with a new diversion.
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31. Well, you know, when I used
to be down in the dumps
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32. my mom used to buy me a new Pez dispenser.
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33. - Well, that's nice.
- Yeah.
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34. Great news. We have just joined
a country club.
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35. That's nice, too.
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36. Yes, look, these facilities are top-notch.
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37. They even have a five-star chef.
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38. Boy, reminds me
of the Flamingo Beach Club.
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39. Our chef used to make a roast beef...
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40. you'd never know the week before
it came in ninth at Belmont.
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41. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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42. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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43. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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44. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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45. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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46. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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47. That's how she became the Nanny
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48. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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49. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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50. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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51. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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52. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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53. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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54. And this is the club room.
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55. Oh, wow! Look at all this paneling.
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56. Boy, half the dues must go
to Lemon Pledge.
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57. Oh, I'm certainly glad we joined.
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58. You know, this is a wonderful way
for a family all to be together.
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59. - I'm going to the video room, Dad.
- I'm gonna see the pool.
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60. Oh. Have fun. You're both out of the will.
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61. It's a very family-oriented club.
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62. We have lots of special activities
to keep the children busy.
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63. That's perfect.
It'll help take their mind off...
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64. You can say it.
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65. We have a special event for Mother's Day.
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66. Or she can.
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67. A mother-daughter beauty pageant.
You two should sign up.
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68. No, I don't think so.
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69. No, I meant them.
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70. Not that you're not attractive
in your own right.
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71. Me and Ma went up
for something like that once.
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72. And we would have won, too,
except she insisted on wearing a bikini.
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73. Well, what's wrong with that?
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74. Have you ever seen
a hysterectomy scar from the '60s?
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75. Daddy, can we be in the pageant?
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76. Well, no, sweetheart.
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77. - We already have plans for Sunday.
- We do?
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78. Yes, we have the Guggenheim,
the Radio City Music Hall,
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79. Empire State Building, Circle Line tour—
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80. - That's all?
- Then lunch.
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81. Then the zoo,
then the Statue of Liberty, FAO Schwarz—
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82. Why don't you just chloroform them
till Monday?
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83. Well, while you two work it out,
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84. I'll introduce Grace
to some of the other children.
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85. Okay, but I'm warning you, I'm a loner.
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86. What's your problem?
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87. Miss Fine, the last thing Grace needs
on Mother's Day
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88. is to be reminded of her mother.
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89. All right.
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90. - What, you think I'm wrong?
- I'm not saying that.
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91. So, you're agreeing with me?
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92. I can't understand a bloody word
you're saying.
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93. All I'm saying is that Grace
is a little girl
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94. who wants to be in a beauty pageant
and get dolled up.
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95. Now, if it doesn't bother her,
why should it bother you?
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96. I just don't want to see Grace get hurt,
that's all.
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97. Well, there aren't a lot
of pageant-related injuries.
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98. Except for that time Ellen Anterman
spiked me with her six-inch heels.
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99. But I got even,
I switched her hairspray for Pam.
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100. She won anyway, but she couldn't keep
that crown on her head for nothing.
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101. They make luncheon meat in an aerosol?
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102. No. You're thinking of Spam.
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103. That, she would have noticed right away.
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104. And now for my final trick,
I will saw my assistant in half.
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105. Now, explain to me again
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106. why you're the magician
and I'm the assistant.
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107. Well, because the beautiful woman
is always the assistant.
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108. Oh!
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109. There's one born every minute.
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110. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
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111. Sure. The instructions
are somewhere around here.
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112. I can't believe
Dad's letting Gracie do this.
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113. I can't believe I'm letting Gracie
do this.
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114. No, I mean,
being in the Mother's Day pageant.
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115. Dad doesn't even like to talk about Mom.
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116. What was she like?
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117. She was really pretty.
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118. She had the best laugh.
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119. - And she always liked to sing—
- Off-key.
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120. Come on, are we gonna do this or what?
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121. I found the instructions.
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122. "Now take a knife
and cut into even pieces."
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123. Wait a sec. Let me see that.
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124. These are the instructions
for your Easy-Bake Oven.
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125. Yes, but you'll serve eight.
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126. - Oh, we'll just wing it.
- Yes, what's the worst that can happen?
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127. I don't know. Did you see Boxing Helena?
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128. No, but then, nobody did.
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129. Abracadabra!
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130. - How was it for you?
- Well, it's a little bit tingly, but...
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131. not altogether unpleasant.
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132. Miss Grace, this seems to be stuck
on something.
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133. Give her neck a pull.
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134. Now watch this.
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135. Hey, hey, I'm getting a draft here.
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136. This is really weird.
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137. It's just separation anxiety.
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138. Oh, no. How terrible.
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139. - What?
- I've got a run in my stockings.
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140. I'm telling you, Maxwell,
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141. this whole mother-daughter beauty pageant
is a terrible idea.
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142. On the other hand...
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143. Keep her away from me!
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144. Wait! Whoa! Get my other half!
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145. - Well, this is really very impressive.
- Thanks.
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146. I hope I'm not gonna pay time and a half.
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147. Where are the swords we plunge in?
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148. That's a different trick.
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149. It doesn't have to be.
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150. All right, all right, put me together,
you guys.
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151. I can't find the instructions.
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152. Well, here's a thought: Help her look!
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153. Why don't we go for a little spin?
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154. All right, you've had your fun.
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155. Now I'm getting annoyed,
and a little nauseous.
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156. Oh, I am so sorry.
Let's get you some fresh air.
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157. What?
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158. Everyone's so nice here.
That lady never stopped smiling.
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159. Oh, I know. I think she probably had
one too many facelifts.
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160. Did you see that bow
in the back of her head?
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161. It was her ears.
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162. So, what do we do first?
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163. Well, let's psych out the competition.
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164. Come on,
let's kick some country club butt.
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165. Uh-oh, don't look now,
Breck girl at nine o'clock.
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166. And a No-More-Tears babe
bringing up the rear.
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167. Oh, they're making the first move.
Act confident. Chest out.
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168. It is out.
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169. - Hello.
- Hi.
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170. I'm Fran, and this is Gracie.
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171. I'm Bobbie Jo,
and this is my daughter Betty Jo.
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172. Oh, how are things at Petticoat Junction?
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173. So, is this your first beauty pageant?
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174. Hardly. Yours?
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175. Oh, afraid not.
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176. Miss Sun Belt, 1982.
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177. '83, Miss Manny, Moe and Jack.
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178. '84, Miss Leon County.
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179. '85, Miss Union Turnpike.
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180. '87, finalist, Miss Universe.
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181. Oh, nothing in '86, huh?
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182. - Good luck.
- Thanks.
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183. You'll need it.
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184. Well, they're tough, but we'll get them
in the talent competition.
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185. Well, they're talented,
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186. but those big calves,
they're gonna cost them.
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187. Oh!
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188. Oh! Aren't they wonderful?
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189. They've won the last three years in a row.
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190. Well, it's a catchy tune,
but can you dance to it?
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191. Wait till they see our magic act.
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192. Forget it. Nothing's getting me
back into that box.
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193. Why not?
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194. Because you left me in there forever,
plus I had an itch on my foot.
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195. - Why didn't you scratch it?
- It was in another room!
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196. - We're gonna have to switch to plan B.
- What's that?
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197. Call Gillooly.
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198. Oh, look at those women over there,
sucking up to the judges.
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199. Oh, I'll tell you, it is so demeaning.
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200. Whoops! A spot just opened up. Excuse me.
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201. Trust no one.
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202. Hi.
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203. - Hi.
- Hi.
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204. I hate beauty pageants, don't you?
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205. - I'm not supposed to talk to anyone.
- Why?
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206. I just want to be your friend.
Your mom's real pretty.
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207. Thanks, but she's not my mom.
She's my nanny.
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208. See ya.
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209. Well, if nothing else, we've got a lock
on Miss Congeniality.
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210. This woman should not be allowed
to compete in the pageant. She's a fake.
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211. I'm a fake?
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212. Let she, who is without silicone,
cast the first stone.
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213. Listen, you are not this child's mother.
You're her nanny.
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214. Yeah, so?
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215. Well, this is a mother-daughter pageant.
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216. Well, we're very close.
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217. So what if she's not my mother?
What's the difference?
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218. It's against the rules.
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219. I don't have a mother. She died.
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220. Oh, boy. You will stop at nothing.
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221. Don't ever go out for cheerleader.
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222. - Niles!
- Sir?
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223. Planning on running away
to join the circus?
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224. Why would I do that, sir?
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225. Well, you were juggling.
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226. Juggling, sir?
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227. Niles, I just saw you with my own eyes.
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228. Is there something I can do for you, sir?
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229. You can start
by admitting you were juggling.
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230. That will never happen, sir.
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231. Now I forgot what I came in here for.
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232. All right, let's see.
I was in the office with C.C., and...
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233. oh, yes, I was trying
to get away from C.C.
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234. You know,
she can be so trying this time of year.
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235. She keeps reminding me
not to think about Sara.
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236. I don't know
how she can be so insensitive.
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237. Oh, sir, the woman would invite
the Clintons to go white-water rafting.
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238. Oh, Maxwell.
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239. There you are.
I have been all over for you!
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240. C.C.!
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241. Oh, dear. Now, how did that get there?
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242. I'm terribly sorry, C.C.
Are you all right?
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243. If I've told those children once,
I've told them a million times
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244. not to leave their fruit
lying around the house.
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245. Gracie!
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246. Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.
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247. What's going on? What's wrong with Gracie?
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248. She has to go to the bathroom real bad?
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249. Miss Fine.
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250. Well, Gracie is all upset
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251. because some nutcase woman
made a big stink
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252. just because I'm not her mother.
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253. And then, well, Gracie had to say
that she doesn't have a mother and...
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254. it kind of went downhill from there.
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255. Oh, Nanny Fine's pageant
has turned into a complete disaster.
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256. Niles, break out the bubbly.
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257. You have no power here.
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258. Be gone before someone
drops a house on you.
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259. I just knew this was a bad idea.
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260. - I should have trusted my instincts.
- Oh, Mr. Sheffield, don't blame yourself.
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261. I don't.
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262. Sweetheart? Can we talk
to you for a minute?
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263. No, I'm busy.
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264. You're doing a beautiful job there,
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265. except dolly's beginning to look
a little like Sinead O'Connor.
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266. Sweetheart, I made a mistake.
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267. I should never have let you enter
that pageant.
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268. Oh, no, no, no. It's all my fault.
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269. Your father didn't want us to enter,
but I wouldn't listen.
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270. I was just too busy talking.
I do that sometimes.
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271. - I just talk and—
- Miss Fine.
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272. - What?
- You're doing it.
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273. Oh, right. Well, I'm gonna stop now.
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274. The talking, not the listening.
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275. The listening I'm gonna keep on doing.
It's the talking I'm gonna stop.
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276. Okay, I've stopped. Go ahead.
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277. Thank you.
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278. Sweetheart, I do understand how you feel.
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279. All those other girls with their mommies.
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280. It just reminded you
how much you miss yours.
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281. But that's what's wrong. I don't miss her.
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282. You don't?
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283. No. I don't remember her.
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284. Oh.
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285. Oh.
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286. Gracie. Come here.
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287. Brighton and Maggie do, but I can't.
Is that bad?
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288. Oh, no, of course not, sweetheart.
They're older than you.
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289. How come you never talk about her?
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290. Well, because sometimes it's very...
difficult for Daddy.
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291. Oh.
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292. You can't remember her either?
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293. No, sweetheart, I remember everything.
I remember the first time I saw her.
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294. I remember her sweetness and her laugh.
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295. I especially remember
how much she loved you.
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296. - She did?
- Oh, more than anything.
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297. And I should never have let
you forget that.
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298. I was just trying to protect you...
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299. and I suppose myself.
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300. - Can you forgive me?
- It's okay, Daddy.
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301. Well, at least now you two
can remember her together.
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302. Do you think that Mommy
would want me to be in the pageant?
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303. I think she would want whatever you want.
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304. I want to do it.
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305. Me and Fran are gonna kick
some country club butt.
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306. Oy. I don't know where
she gets these things.
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307. And next, we have our newest members,
Fran Fine and Grace Sheffield, doing...
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308. well, I'm not exactly sure
what they're doing...
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309. but I'm sure we'll all enjoy it.
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310. - Frannie!
- All right, Gracie!
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311. Thank you.
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312. Bravo!
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313. Encore!
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314. All right!
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315. Here, sweetie.
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316. Oh, yeah, yeah. What?
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317. Oh, aren't you Patti LaBelle? I love you.
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318. Well, I love you, too,
you were great out there, girl.
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319. Oh, thanks. The judges
really appreciate a class act.
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320. I know they do.
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321. - What are you doing here?
- Well, I came to pick up my—
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322. - Hi, Mommy!
- Hi, sweetie.
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323. Oh!
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324. Oh...
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325. Come on, baby. We're up next.
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326. - Good luck.
- Goodbye.
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327. Like she needs luck. She's a professional.
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328. Don't these contests have rules?
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329. They bent the rules for us.
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330. Oh, whose side are you on anyway?
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331. What did you have?
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332. Oh, is she fabulous?
You know, I'm her biggest fan.
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333. Oh, I'll tell you,
if they don't come in second,
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334. there's no justice.
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335. Thank you.
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336. Aren't you ever gonna take
that stupid sash off?
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337. No.
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338. Leave her alone.
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339. How many times in your life do you become
first runner-up in a beauty pageant?
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340. Counting this one, 12.
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341. Well, here they are,
the Fine family home movies.
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342. Oh, when my mother sees this,
she's just going to plotz.
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343. These are you from the olden days?
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344. Yes, if you keep your eyes peeled
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345. you may see a stegosaurus
in the background.
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346. Oh, is that adorable!
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347. Oh, look at my mother.
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348. Her hair was much smaller then.
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349. As her hips got wider, so did her hair.
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350. Kind of a balancing act.
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351. Oh, my. You were in a hurry.
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352. There must have been a sale somewhere.
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353. - Oh, you're already watching something.
- Oh, no, that's okay. That's okay.
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354. We're just watching
some adorable shots of me,
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355. but I made you all copies, so...
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356. What's that, Daddy?
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357. It's a special Mother's Day gift
for all of us.
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358. Watch it carefully. Here it comes.
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359. Yeah!
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360. Boy, I was a real jerk back then.
Sorry, Maggie.
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361. Move it or lose it.
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362. - I'm gonna get you!
- I did my best.
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363. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, your first flop.
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364. We worked on that
spontaneous wave for hours.
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365. Gracie, that's you, angel.
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366. Oh, there's Mom.
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367. I remember that.
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368. Oh, I'm sorry. I screwed it up.
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369. I'm sorry.
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370. - I always get stuck on that same lyric.
- Play it back.
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