1. Introducing number 44...
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2. Brighton Sheffield!
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3. He's safe! And the crowd goes wild!
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4. My coach thinks I'm pretty good.
I just need work on catching and spitting.
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5. Don't even think about it.
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6. Brighton, this is the athletic supporter
you picked out?
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7. Who'd you buy it for, Mr. Ed?
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8. He's a Sheffield. He'll grow into it.
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9. Is it me, or did someone
just turn the heat on around here?
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10. Miss Babcock,
there's a gentleman on line three
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11. who claims to be your father.
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12. And I admire him
for having the guts to admit it.
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13. Yes. She's right here.
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14. Hello, Father.
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15. How nice.
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16. Goodbye.
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17. Another Hallmark moment.
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18. So, your father's here. What's he like?
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19. We're complete opposites.
We have nothing in common.
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20. - I can't wait to meet him.
- I'm far too busy.
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21. Besides, I saw him last year.
We had dinner and shared a cab.
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22. Stay tuned for the
"Babcock Family Christmas Special."
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23. You've gotta see him.
It's like my mother always says—
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24. - "You can freeze anything."
- No.
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25. "Why buy Sweet'N Low
when restaurants give it away?"
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26. No.
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27. "Seven cans of tuna fish
count as one in the express line"?
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28. No. My mother always said,
"Blood is thicker than water,
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29. and you can wash 'em both
off of plastic slipcovers."
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30. Miss Fine, what are you babbling about?
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31. You have to make time for family.
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32. Why don't you have him over for dinner?
Niles can whip something up.
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33. I would like him
to meet the man in my life.
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34. By all means, bring him along.
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35. I'll blow him up and put him
in his usual chair.
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36. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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37. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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38. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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39. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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40. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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41. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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42. That's how she became the Nanny
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43. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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44. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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45. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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46. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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47. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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48. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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49. Put your fingerprints
on one more crab puff
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50. and you'll find mine on your neck.
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51. Boy, you're in a grumpy mood.
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52. What's the matter,
your corns acting up again?
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53. They're excruciating, inflamed,
throbbing pustules begging to burst.
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54. Well, I'm glad you're not making wine.
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55. Niles, we can't use this china.
The pattern is hideous.
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56. That's not the pattern.
It's your reflection.
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57. If I'm going to see my father,
everything has to be perfect.
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58. He's demanding, critical, judgmental...
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59. You have no idea what it's like
to be around someone like that.
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60. - Totally in the dark.
- Not a clue.
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61. Maxwell, you have little planes
all over your tie.
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62. - So?
- So? Daddy's a navy man.
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63. Don't you have anything with boats?
Never mind. I'll get it for you myself.
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64. Any excuse to get in his drawers.
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65. Niles, Gatorade alert.
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66. Hey, I thought you were supposed
to be at Little League.
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67. - I was.
- Well, where are your grass stains?
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68. - They don't grow grass on the bench.
- Oh, shut up, Olive Oyl.
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69. I played right field.
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70. Loser land.
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71. Hey, I played right field.
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72. Tell you what.
What do you say I get us box seats
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73. at opening day at Shea Stadium?
You'll see how the pros do it.
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74. Or at least the Mets.
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75. Hello.
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76. Kitten, you haven't aged a bit.
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77. Daddy, I'm over here.
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78. And she has her mother's
sense of humor: none.
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79. Well, call me crazy,
but I think I like him.
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80. Stewie, you're a stitch.
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81. So, finally, I had to slip the doorman
$100 to give me his pants.
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82. Oh, my God,
that must have been embarrassing.
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83. Talk about embarrassing, my parents
were once on Let's Make a Deal.
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84. Nine hundred people knew
it was door number one.
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85. They had to pick the box.
P.S., Carol Merrill on a tricycle.
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86. Well, if you want to talk embarrassing,
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87. Ivana and I were down in Palm Beach
at Mar-a-Lago
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88. and we locked ourselves
out of the pool house.
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89. There we were, dripping wet,
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90. with no towels!
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91. We didn't even have espadrilles.
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92. So, Stewart, how long are you here for?
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93. The gardener saw us, too!
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94. Just long enough to do some business.
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95. Did I mention that I bought a Picasso?
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96. Not since the salad.
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97. I have to check out
some new hotel properties,
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98. meet with the foreign investors,
and I have to show my face
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99. at this Streisand thing.
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100. Barbra Joan Streisand,
born April 24, 1942,
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101. to Manny and Diana Streisand
of 457 Schenectady Avenue, Brooklyn?
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102. I take it you are a fan?
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103. Oh, well, if you call turning
your bedroom into a shrine,
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104. seeing all of her movies 25 times,
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105. paying $200 for a piece of chewing gum
from the bottom of Barbra's shoe—
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106. Is that—? Is that what
that framed thing in your room is?
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107. No. That's a sourball
that Elliott Gould spit out,
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108. but he was married to her at the time.
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109. I'd say she qualifies as a fan.
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110. I'm part of the consortium
that's backing Barbra's tour.
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111. Oh, you must be plotzing.
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112. Nanny Fine, we're Babcocks.
We don't plotz.
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113. I'm with you, Daddy.
I find her singing irritating.
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114. An entire acre of Beth Shalom Cemetery
just rolled over.
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115. Plus, her voice is so nasal.
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116. Well, that's part of her charm.
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117. I didn't know that you disliked her, C.C.
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118. Fran, would you like to go?
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119. Oh, I'm sorry. It's just too much for me.
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120. I mean, the idea of finally
seeing Barbra in person!
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121. And our tickets are in the front row.
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122. Did you see her eyes roll back?
That was so cool.
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123. Might I suggest a safety belt
for the concert?
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124. There is one more thing, but...
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125. perhaps someone should hold onto her.
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126. I'm okay. Give it to me straight.
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127. We're going backstage.
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128. I'm fine.
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129. You don't mind, do you?
Since you hate her so much...
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130. Is he talking about Barbra or Fran?
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131. No. Please, go ahead. Enjoy.
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132. Good. Then it's settled.
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133. Now, my boy, what position do you play?
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134. Well, see, it's not so much
the position you play,
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135. it's just that you're being
part of the team.
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136. - Right field, huh?
- Yeah.
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137. Poor thing, she held on
as long as she could.
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138. Yes. All right. Goodbye.
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139. Niles, crack open the champagne.
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140. The theater guild has finally invited me
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141. to speak at this year's
Broadway symposium.
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142. - So, Andrew Lloyd Webber is...?
- Out of town.
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143. - And Sondheim?
- Busy.
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144. And Gower Champion...
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145. - Dead.
- Dead.
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146. Niles, just have my gray suit
ready by Saturday.
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147. - Along with your baseball cap, sir?
- What?
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148. Oh, no. Is that the day I promised
to take Brighton to the ballgame?
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149. - Home run, sir.
- Oh, no.
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150. - Maxwell.
- C.C., I've got a problem.
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151. I have problems of my own.
My father is missing.
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152. He could be lying dead
in a ditch somewhere for all I know.
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153. He's not missing.
He's out shopping with Miss Fine.
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154. Oh, God. Worse.
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155. C.C., you're not jealous, are you?
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156. Me?
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157. Please.
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158. It's just that she's taking time away
from his work and time is money.
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159. And his money will someday be her money.
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160. So, naturally I'm concerned.
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161. Fran, this dress is going to be
fabulous on you.
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162. Oh, Stew, you are like a fairy godfather.
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163. All I said was that I was
in the mood for a Big Mac
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164. and you got me a Bob Mackie!
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165. Please don't mention it.
I love spoiling you.
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166. Oh, well, if it gives you pleasure.
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167. Hey, I saw a pair of shoes at Bergdorf's
that would make you ecstatic.
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168. - I'll see you tonight.
- Okay.
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169. Have you told anyone
you're going to see Streisand?
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170. Well, just my mother, but she'll let
the greater tri-state area know.
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171. - See you later, Stew.
- Goodbye, kitten.
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172. Kitten?
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173. Niles, I told you to cut the tops
of your shoes out like my father does.
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174. Only if I can have the powder-blue socks
and Bermuda shorts to complete the look.
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175. Oh, I had such a wonderful time with Stew.
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176. I feel just like Cinderella.
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177. Yes, only in this case,
there's an evil stepdaughter.
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178. Where the hell are they?
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179. I can't believe they're not back yet.
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180. Who?
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181. The swallows. Capistrano.
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182. Check on it, Niles.
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183. Miss Babcock, you don't have a problem
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184. with me spending time
with your father, do you?
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185. Nanny Fine, please. I couldn't care less.
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186. Oh, good. Because if they get married,
Miss Fine will be your new mummy.
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187. - Can you believe she fainted?
- Oh, God.
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188. She's gonna get lipstick
all over the couch.
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189. Miss Babcock. Miss Babcock!
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190. Do we need some smelling salts?
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191. Brighton, quick, give me a sneaker.
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192. Well, that woke her up.
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193. Oh, and just when I was about to slap her.
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194. Oh, quit it, you two.
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195. Don't tease my daughter.
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196. Say, in the will, doesn't the daughter
come after the wife?
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197. I'm kidding.
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198. If I were you, I'd be more concerned
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199. that the daughter
would come after the nanny.
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200. I know I'll be sleeping with one eye open.
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201. Brighton, I have to talk to you.
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202. - Am I in trouble?
- No. I rather think I am.
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203. Great. I have time for this.
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204. Well, you know how much I wanted
to take you to this ballgame.
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205. Oh, you can't make it? No problem.
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206. The thing is, I'm afraid I'm just
not gonna be able to make it.
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207. Dad, it's like I said, no problem.
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208. I know you're so desperately disappointed,
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209. but you see, I've been waiting years for
the theater guild to invite me to speak
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210. - and you see, they just called, so I—
- Dad, hello! Did I mention:
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211. No problem!
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212. - So, it's not a problem?
- No.
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213. Great, then it's not a problem.
Thanks, son.
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214. Oh, I don't believe this.
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215. Mr. Sheffield, can I talk to you
for just one minute?
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216. I doubt it.
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217. Mr. Sheffield, how can you
not take him to the game?
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218. Can't you see you're breaking
that little boy's heart?
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219. He said it was no problem.
You must've heard him.
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220. Of course that's what he said.
That's what kids always say.
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221. They're not going to tell their father
when they're dying inside.
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222. They give off signals. They act morose.
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223. Sometimes they even have fits of anger.
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224. And finally, if they're despondent enough,
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225. they might even be driven
to acts of violence.
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226. And that concludes
today's audiovisual demonstration.
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227. Look at me, Ma.
I look just like Barbra in Yentl.
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228. Oh, Fran, this is the most exciting
moment of my life,
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229. dressing my daughter for Barbra Streisand!
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230. I thought the most exciting day
was gonna be
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231. when you dressed me for my wedding.
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232. I decided to live for today.
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233. Oh, what's the matter?
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234. Your excitement peaked too early,
and now you're depleted.
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235. No. I just don't think I should be going.
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236. Bite your tongue!
Don't you love Barbra anymore?
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237. Ma, she's our leader!
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238. I just think Mr. Babcock should be
taking his daughter instead of me.
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239. Miss Babcock doesn't want to go!
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240. She's afraid to reach out to him.
Don't you see?
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241. He's a father looking for a daughter.
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242. She's a daughter looking for her father.
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243. They're like two trains in a tunnel:
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244. One's the express,
one's the local, going side by side,
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245. never meeting up.
I'll tell you, it's a tragedy.
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246. Fran, look.
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247. Oh, the Barbra Quarterly!
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248. Oh, I love the Barbra Quarterly.
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249. And, Fran, look!
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250. Color Me Barbra!
Oh, I love Color Me Barbra!
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251. Ma, don't do this to me.
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252. And, Fran, look!
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253. My On A Clear Day wig!
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254. Oh, Ma! I used to love this so! Remember?
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255. I'd wear it everywhere!
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256. Even to Uncle Harry's funeral.
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257. - Was that in poor taste, Ma?
- No. He loved her, too.
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258. - So, you'll go?
- No.
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259. - Why not?
- I just can't, Ma,
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260. - and it's all your fault.
- Mine?
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261. Yes, because you raised me too good.
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262. Wasn't it you who said family comes first?
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263. Our family, not theirs!
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264. Oh, God.
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265. Niles, there's someone at the door.
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266. Oh, and I thought another angel
got its wings.
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267. You should do something about your feet.
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268. Perhaps I can chew them off.
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269. I was thinking more
a visit to a chiropodist,
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270. but as long as you take care of it.
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271. Oh, just come in!
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272. - Good evening, Niles.
- Sir.
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273. - I can't get you anything, can I, sir?
- No, no.
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274. Maybe just a martini.
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275. - Extra dry?
- Don't worry.
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276. By the time you get it,
it will be evaporated.
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277. You look stunning.
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278. Just like Audrey Hepburn.
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279. Too bad I sound like Selma Diamond.
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280. You ready?
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281. I can't believe I'm about to say this,
but I can't go.
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282. Why not?
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283. Oh, because I'm this old softy
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284. and, well, I think you should take C.C.
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285. But I want to take you.
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286. All right, let's go.
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287. Oh, no, no. I can't. I can't.
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288. Memories, light the corner of my mind
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289. Ma, knock it off!
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290. Kitten, this is ridiculous.
C.C. doesn't even want to go.
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291. Yes, she does,
because she wants to be with you,
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292. but she's afraid to tell you
that she wants to be with you
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293. because she thinks
that you don't want to be with her.
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294. Misty watercolored memories
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295. Ma, genug already!
You're starting the twilight bark!
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296. I've tried to reach out to C.C.,
but she pushes me away.
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297. She just doesn't want to be with me.
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298. She does want to be with you,
but she needs to know
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299. that you want to be with her.
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300. People... people who need people are...
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301. You'll see the concert.
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302. You're very wise.
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303. Daddy!
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304. She also has her mother's timing.
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305. C.C., open this door. Your father and I
are very concerned about you!
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306. Go away!
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307. Open up, young lady!
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308. Niles, run and get a butter knife.
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309. Oh, why don't we just starve her out?
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310. Ma, use your nail.
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311. Her nails can open anything:
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312. Letters, diaries,
my old boyfriend's Chevy.
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313. I never had any privacy as a child.
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314. Got it! Acrylic.
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315. - C.C.--
- I don't want to talk to you!
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316. All right, I'm coming in. Cover me.
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317. Smoking? Not in my house, young lady!
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318. It's not your house,
and this is none of your business.
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319. And while we're having
this little girl talk, I loathe you.
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320. At least you're opening up.
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321. I want to talk to you about your father.
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322. You have got to stop pushing people away!
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323. - I don't push people away!
- Excuse me.
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324. I'm trying to get some ash
out of your hair.
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325. People misunderstand me.
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326. They think I'm a self-centered,
cold-hearted witch.
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327. Is everything all right?
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328. If they're like my Morty,
they could be in there for hours.
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329. You know, Fran was right.
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330. I should have spent more time
with C.C. when she was little.
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331. Miss Fine has this annoying way
of being right about those things.
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332. Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile,
if you need another escort
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333. for the concert,
this outfit goes from day to night
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334. with just a few accessories.
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335. I have the knife.
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336. Oh, that's all right, Niles.
We don't need it now.
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337. The thing is...
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338. I just don't know what to do!
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339. There, there. That's okay. Yeah.
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340. Okay.
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341. That's all right.
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342. Hello! Calling next of kin!
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343. Yeah, here's your daddy.
Here's your daddy.
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344. I have never seen her cry before.
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345. Well, maybe the crash of '87.
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346. Ask her to the concert!
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347. I would really love it if you would
come with me to the concert tonight.
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348. - You would?
- Of course he would.
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349. And, C.C., I think you're very lucky
to have a friend like Fran.
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350. I know!
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351. She's wonderful.
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352. She's gonna let me wear her dress.
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353. Bye! Have a good time!
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354. Don't forget my Barbra program
and my Barbra T-shirt
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355. and my Barbra mug with the nose handle!
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356. Darling, you did a good thing.
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357. An incredibly stupid thing.
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358. Well, you're the one
that had the doctors use forceps
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359. when they delivered me.
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360. The pain you caused me, I would have
let them use the Jaws of Life.
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361. Miss Fine, that was a very lovely thing
you did for C.C.
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362. And I'm about to follow
your selfless example.
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363. Well, good, then you can be
as happy as I am.
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364. Son, good news.
I've canceled my theater lecture
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365. so I can take you to the ballgame.
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366. Bad news, Dad. I made other plans.
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367. But I thought
it was really important to you.
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368. - No, I told you I didn't care.
- But you didn't really mean that.
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369. Yeah, I did. I don't know how
I could've made it any clearer.
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370. Well, he did say it was no problem.
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371. Miss Fine!
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372. Don't be disappointed, Dad.
I'll go with you to another game.
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373. - The Mets aren't going anywhere.
- That's for sure.
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374. The way we were
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375. That is the best that Barbra
ever sang that song.
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376. - I just love her.
- I love her more.
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377. - I loved her first.
- I'll love her last.
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378. What? Oh, Ma, listen.
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379. Stew says he's got a surprise for us.
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380. Hello, gorgeous.
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381. The Nanny's coming back, so stay put.
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382. Why are we always arguing
about who's her biggest fan?
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383. There's plenty of room
in Barbra's life for both of us.
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384. Now, let's continue.
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385. Scattered pictures
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386. Of the smiles we left behind
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387. Smiles we gave to one another
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388. For the way we were
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389. Don't you just love sitting around
singing Barbra tunes?
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