The Nanny 1x2

1. Oh, that's Val.

2. You know, it's her first time to the mansion,

3. and she's my best friend, so I just want her to drop dead.

4. How thoughtful.

5. - Allow me. You pose. - Okay.

6. I'm dropping dead.

7. Mission accomplished.

8. May I take your coat?

9. - Do I get a stub? - No and you don't have to tip him, either.

10. Oy, she's got no class.

11. Come on, Val, move your ass.

12. Oy, this place is like the Taj Mahal.

13. Only with more bathrooms. You never have to wait.

14. How come I'm still stuck in Flushing, and you're living like Jackie O?

15. Jackie O's two doors down.

16. Jackie O's your neighbor?

17. Uh-huh, and you know, she's very concerned about John-John.

18. You heard he quit the D.A. job, huh?

19. - Really? - Oh, yeah.

20. And now he ran off to California with that blonde fish.

21. Oh, god. Oh, go have kids.

22. Honey, it's all in how you raise them.

23. With mine, I've got no complaints.

24. - You've been their nanny for two weeks. - And I've worked wonders with them.

25. - Shut up, Brighton! - You shut up!

26. You're giving me a nervous breakdown!

27. You see? Before me, they never communicated.

28. You know, you're gonna get pimples too someday, if you ever grow up.

29. Oh, that's a pimple? I thought it was a small planet.

30. - Leave your sister alone. - I can't.

31. The gravitational force is sucking me in.

32. I'm giving it all she's got, Captain. I cannot break away.

33. You're so pathetic, Brighton.

34. We both hate you.

35. Good, then my work here is done.

36. Brighton, what's your problem?

37. I guess I'm just bad to the bone.

38. Oh, honey, you have no idea what bad is.

39. Now, the boys Val and I went to school with, they were bad, huh?

40. Oh, the worst.

41. Oy, and now they're all taken.

42. - You remember Lenny? - Sure. Lenny Brown.

43. Baddest man in the whole damn— Oh no, that was Leroy.

44. - But Lenny was bad. - And tough.

45. The kid had a smoker's cough in the fourth grade.

46. Really?

47. Oh, he could blow smoke rings out of his nose. Either nostril.

48. Remember when he would light a match off his zipper?

49. Honey, I'm still dreaming about that one.

50. - So he was cool, huh? - Oh, he was a god.

51. The James Dean of Flushing.

52. I wonder what happened to him?

53. I hear he's a big shot at R.J. Reynolds.

54. Oh, I should've nabbed him right out of reform school.

55. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

56. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

57. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

58. So, over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

59. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

60. She had style, she had flair She was there

61. That's how she became the Nanny

62. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

63. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

64. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

65. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

66. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

67. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

68. If this facial doesn't work, I think I'm gonna kill myself.

69. Maggie, would you relax? It's just a little zit.

70. - Yeah, but— - Shut up, Brighton.

71. I dread puberty.

72. I have combination skin.

73. Here's where having me for a nanny comes in handy.

74. You kids know that I'm a graduate of the Ultissima Beauty Institute?

75. Four times dean's list?

76. And yet she's so accessible.

77. - What's that? - Orange rinds.

78. You know, at Elizabeth Arden, they'll charge you $200, and call it aromatherapy.

79. Trust me. You'll be gorgeous.

80. I see an improvement already.

81. - What's this? - Some stupid thing at my stupid school.

82. Oh, a carnival.

83. Oh, me and Val used to throw these for Jerry's kids.

84. Who's Jerry?

85. Jerry Lewis. He used to be hysterical.

86. Now he's hysterical in France.

87. Yeah, right. Like we're gonna go to some dumb carnival.

88. Why? It says right here, "Fun for the whole family."

89. Wouldn't we actually need to be a family first?

90. Dad's too busy. He doesn't have time to spend with us.

91. Maybe Daddy's seeing other children.

92. Let's not be paranoid.

93. I'm not paranoid.

94. Who said I was?

95. Help, Niles. We need drinks, and keep them coming.

96. I take it, sir, the composer meetings aren't going well.

97. Why isn't there any new talent in this town?

98. The man in my office is positively ancient.

99. He's not composing, he's decomposing.

100. I've got something that'll cheer you up.

101. There's a big carnival at Brighton's school this Saturday.

102. Oh, "food, rides, games." Sounds splendid.

103. - Huh? - By all means, take the children.

104. - Have a wonderful time. - Huh?

105. Well, I kind of thought that the whole family would go.

106. That would include the father.

107. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm seeing composers all weekend.

108. Oh, well, that's understandable.

109. - Why do I feel a "but" coming on? - No buts.

110. However, a carnival would be a good way for you to spend some time with your kids.

111. And time is so fleeting at this age.

112. While I appreciate the skill and subtlety of your guilt mongering,

113. I am opening a musical in eight weeks.

114. So?

115. - I have no music. - Oh.

116. - Otherwise, I'd love to go. - "I'd love to go."

117. Brighton, don't be so smart.

118. Gracie, dear, take smaller bites.

119. And Maggie, do try to be a bit more outgoing. Well, carry on.

120. Well, he's got my vote for father of the year.

121. Now, he would if he could, but he can't.

122. I mean, the man has to make a living, don't he?

123. Well, how else can we afford the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed?

124. So I flunked facials. We'll color it in and call it a mole.

125. There. You look just like Cindy Crawford.

126. I look like John-Boy Walton.

127. America loved him.

128. Hey, Mags.

129. Wow, you look really beautiful.

130. - And? - And nothing. You look really good.

131. Shut up, Brighton.

132. Why are you being so nice to your sister? Who'd you kill?

133. Why does everyone assume the worst of me?

134. It saves time.

135. You know, we did handwriting analysis in school today.

136. - I found out I'm very vulnerable. - Oh, isn't that fascinating?

137. Gee, I don't suppose you'd want to analyze my handwriting?

138. Well, sure.

139. I happen to have a piece of old, unimportant scrap paper somewhere.

140. Let's see.

141. Ah, why don't you sign your name right here?

142. Okay. Sucker!

143. What just happened here?

144. Honey, I am so far ahead of you, we're in different time zones.

145. - Oh, a note from the headmaster. - You're kidding?

146. Brighton Milhouse Sheffield. You were caught smoking?

147. - I was holding it for a friend. - Oh, please, Brighton.

148. Smoking? That's disgusting.

149. It takes the idiots that start that filthy habit years to quit.

150. I still haven't knocked off all the weight.

151. - Where are you going? - Where do you think?

152. - To tell your father. - You heard, the man's busy.

153. Oh, not too busy to hear this.

154. But, he'll ship me off to military school, And can our country really afford that?

155. Brighton, smoking. Where would you ever even get an idea like that?

156. From you.

157. Come to think of it.

158. Me?

159. - Bad, bad Lenny Brown? - What?

160. Oh.

161. Oy!

162. So, maybe we should just keep this our little secret.

163. Wait a minute. Are you trying to blackmail me?

164. Let's just say if I'm going down, you're going down with me.

165. Who are you, Edward G. Robinson?

166. You think I'm gonna be intimidated by somebody

167. that can walk under a coffee table?

168. He's gonna fire me. I'd fire me.

169. Just when I figured out the bidet is not a water fountain.

170. Argh, What am I doing? I quit.

171. I've got to learn to deal with my problems without a crutch.

172. What's to eat?

173. What was I thinking, telling a story like that to a ten year-old kid?

174. On the other hand, if I told him to jump off the Empire State Building—

175. Hello. That was my mother's voice

176. that just crossed the Queensboro Bridge and flew out my mouth.

177. But with such dulcet tones.

178. Oh, boy, this is so typical of kids.

179. You try and you try, and what do you get?

180. A slap in the face. Oy, my mother again. Niles, call an exorcist.

181. The previous nannies signed all of Master Brighton's discipline reports themselves.

182. - You're kidding? The nanny can do that? - Of course.

183. In fact, Nanny six retired with carpal tunnel syndrome.

184. You know, Brighton wanted me to sign that note,

185. but at the time, he was just looking to save his butt.

186. Of course, now that I'm looking to save mine, it's not such a bad idea.

187. No. I've gotta tell Mr. Sheffield what I did.

188. If I don't, the evil eye'll get me. I'll be hit by a bus for sure.

189. The evil eye? Your mother again?

190. No. Grandma Yetta.

191. You know, Ms. Fine, it's always a pleasure spending time with you and your family.

192. The kinda music that I hear for this show is kind of a, you know, Bacharach-David,

193. kind of a "Promises Promises" thing.

194. Bounce, bounce. Lots of bounce!

195. - I'm not sure. - You're right, dated. Awful, out!

196. - Knock, knock. - Yes, Ms. Fine? What is it?

197. And quickly, please. We have eight more composers to see today.

198. And you're right up there.

199. Well?

200. Maybe this isn't the right time. I don't want to annoy you.

201. Too late. Go on.

202. - Okay. It's about Brighton. - Yes.

203. Well, remember the other day Val and I were talking in the kitchen?

204. Or, was it the living room? Anyway, it was somewhere in the house.

205. And it's such a nice house.

206. You know, that's a lovely painting. Who are those people?

207. Ms. Fine.

208. Well, it's just that brings the color out in the couch so nice.

209. Yeah, well they say Rembrandt goes with everything.

210. - Now, what about Brighton. Is he injured? - No.

211. - Well, is there property damage? - No.

212. - Is he missing? - No, he's right upstairs.

213. Then what are you doing here?

214. Isn't this something you could handle on your own?

215. Honestly Maxwell, what is the point of having a nanny,

216. if she can't take care of these things on her own?

217. - Isn't that what I just said? - Yes, but I wanted to say it too.

218. Look, Ms. Fine whatever it is, just take care of it.

219. I'm giving you carte blanche, all right?

220. All right.

221. Oh well, Niles. That was easier than I thought it would be.

222. - You didn't tell him, did you? - No.

223. - What about Grandma Yetta's evil eye? - Oh, that's just an old bubbe-meise.

224. - Bubbe-whatsa? - A bubbe-meise.

225. It's like an old wives' tale. Honestly, Niles, it's the '90s.

226. For god's sakes, who believes in the evil eye anyway?

227. Oy!

228. You're up early.

229. - I couldn't sleep. - Mm-hmm.

230. I had indigestion. It has nothing to do with a guilty conscience,

231. if that's what you're implying.

232. - Crêpes? - Back off, Niles.

233. I said I would punish the kid. What else do you want?

234. Dare I suggest syrup?

235. Oh, what's with the third degree?

236. I tried to tell him. The man doesn't listen.

237. Everything I say goes in one ear, and out the other.

238. Good morning, Ms. Fine. I've been thinking about what you said.

239. What? What did I say?

240. About spending more time with the children.

241. Yes, see? I've already started.

242. Children, we are going to the carnival.

243. - All of us? - Mm-hmm, the whole family.

244. We're gonna go on the rides, we're gonna eat cotton candy.

245. It'll be like being a child again.

246. And it'll give me a chance to talk to Brighton's headmaster,

247. see what he's been up to.

248. Oops. These things can get so sticky.

249. You know, I kind of soured on that whole carnival thing.

250. - It's so cold and windy. - It's in the gymnasium.

251. It's hot and stuffy.

252. Ms. Fine, I've just rearranged my entire schedule,

253. and now you're telling me you don't want to go?

254. Well, I'm not God. I don't make the weather.

255. But you insisted.

256. I wasn't feeling 100% that day. I think I was ovulating.

257. Your eggs, sir.

258. Well, you may stay at home, but we are going.

259. Do something.

260. Okay, I'll do what I should've done in the first place.

261. Hear, hear.

262. Here.

263. Mr. Sheffield, I think there's something you should know.

264. Brighton?

265. We don't care that you're on parole. Everyone deserves a second chance.

266. Fine. I'll tell him.

267. Mr. Sheffield, when we go to the carnival,

268. the headmaster may mention something about Brighton smoking.

269. But he's quit and he's sorry, and there's nothing to worry about.

270. Niles, these crêpes are divine.

271. And so light.

272. My mother makes a blintz that could double for a mattress.

273. Girls, you may be excused. Not you, Ms. Fine.

274. Smoking, Brighton? I can't believe this. What on earth possessed you to do this?

275. - Are you through here? - It's beginning to look that way.

276. Well, I'm waiting, young man. What have you got to say for yourself?

277. I didn't inhale.

278. That is the most pathetically lame excuse I've ever heard.

279. Go to your room.

280. Not you, Ms. Fine.

281. Mr. Sheffield, I think there's something you should know.

282. Well, I'll say. Why wasn't I told about this?

283. Well, I tried to tell you. You told me to take care of it.

284. - I didn't know what the problem was. - Because you wouldn't listen.

285. Because you didn't tell me it was anything like this.

286. Oh, well, it's pointless to continue this discussion.

287. You had chocolate cake yesterday.

288. What's that bloody well got to do with anything?

289. Low blood sugar. You're completely irrational.

290. - I'm irrational? Me? - Yeah.

291. - You're twisting everything around. - Oh, so now I'm twisting?

292. You are the most exasperating, infuriating—

293. I think I just had a small stroke.

294. Does that mean we're not going to the carnival?

295. Ms. Fine.

296. Well, it's very easy for you to find fault.

297. You're off all day with your glamorous theater people.

298. I'm stuck at home working like a dog, raising the kids.

299. You're the nanny. It's your job.

300. Well, you're the father. It's your job too, Mr. Sheffield.

301. Sir.

302. Just go to your room.

303. Yes, you.

304. Can you believe he sent me to my room?

305. He is so adorable sometimes.

306. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love

307. No, no, wrong. Totally wrong. Make a note. Fire the casting director.

308. Maxwell, you're being an absolute beast today.

309. I love it.

310. It's just that, I know exactly what I'm looking for.

311. I need a Broadway star with huge stage presence,

312. who's instantly recognizable to the entire country.

313. Hello

314. Next!

315. - He's tough. - You're telling me.

316. Break a leg, honey.

317. His.

318. I love her.

319. Your song, please?

320. Oh, I get to sing too? All right.

321. "People" in E flat.

322. - Hit it. - Ms. Fine.

323. Well, I can dream, can't I?

324. - Take a break. - Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a break.

325. Ms. Fine, we were in the middle of something.

326. Yes, I know. That's why I'm here.

327. You shouldn't leave the house with things unresolved.

328. - That's why men die young. - That's not why.

329. It's because they want to.

330. - The wife? - The nanny.

331. Look, we both know that you walked out on me,

332. because you were losing the argument.

333. I wasn't losing anything.

334. Trust me, when you induce a stroke on your opponent, it's a sure win.

335. You're winning again.

336. Well, it wasn't a fair fight. You didn't have all the facts.

337. I don't think I can take any more.

338. Brighton got the idea to smoke from a story

339. that he might've, maybe, sort of heard from me.

340. - From you? - Kind of.

341. Well, what did you tell him?

342. Well, he said that he was bad,

343. and so I told him about a kid that was worse.

344. Who knew he'd take it as a challenge?

345. That's my boy. Always striving to reach new depths.

346. I'm the worst nanny in the world.

347. All right, Rebecca de Mornay, then me.

348. Oh, I could just cut my tongue out. So if you want to fire me, do it now.

349. No, I'm not going to fire you.

350. Although that offer to cut out your tongue might have some merit.

351. Why, if you told Brighton to jump off London Bridge—

352. - God, I'm beginning to sound just like— - I know.

353. Don't you hate when that happens?

354. I still can't believe that son of yours didn't turn me in.

355. Yeah. Why do you suppose that is?

356. Who knows? He's probably got some hideous torture planned for me later.

357. No, I think perhaps—

358. - I mean, could it be? - What?

359. He likes you?

360. Well, stranger things have happened.

361. No, you're the first nanny Brighton's made any kind of connection with.

362. His mother was the only one that could handle him.

363. They had a special kind of relationship.

364. He feared her.

365. Fear. That's the key.

366. Now we have to figure out a way to scare him bad enough,

367. that he never smokes again.

368. I sent him to his room.

369. Oh, please, with a wide-screen TV and a fully stocked mini-fridge? Punish me.

370. - So, what do you suggest? - Something much more cruel and unusual.

371. We are going to have to consult the high priestess of punishment.

372. Hello, Ma?

373. Grandma Yetta?

374. Yeah?

375. It's Frannie.

376. - Who? - Frannie, your granddaughter.

377. Oh, Frannie. Hi.

378. It's nice to meet you.

379. That's the one good thing about senility. You're always meeting new people.

380. How you doing, angel?

381. Thank God I've still got my health.

382. Maybe you two could go out and have a smoke later?

383. Morty.

384. Morty, you never looked so good.

385. Did you get hair plugs?

386. Oh, no, Grandma, that's not Daddy.

387. So who the hell are you?

388. Ah, Maxwell Sheffield.

389. We brought you some babka.

390. Cake? Put it away.

391. Save it for my room. If they see babka, they'll all want.

392. Grandma, I want you to meet somebody.

393. Oh, I haven't seen you since you were this big.

394. - No, Yetta, you've never met him before. - Oh.

395. Oy, Yetta, you sound like you're making espresso over there.

396. - All right, all right. I get the point. - Oh, no you don't, buddy.

397. We're just getting started. Why don't you go visit with Yetta?

398. - Over there? - Yeah, where the air is nice and fresh.

399. Come here. Let me have a look at that face.

400. Brighton was caught smoking.

401. Smoking?

402. - You smoke. - Me, it doesn't affect. I'm like a horse.

403. But you, you know what could happen?

404. We'll go meet Ethel. Phlegm in a hairnet.

405. Oh, please, not Ethel. Not Ethel.

406. I swear. I'll never touch another cigarette again. Oh god.

407. So, what do you say we go grab a cup of coffee and break open the babka?

408. - Babka? - Babka.

409. Give them the babka!