1. Well, tomorrow's opening night,
and we are completely sold out!Copy !req
2. Thank God Miss Fine
has a large family.Copy !req
3. Now all we need is some good reviews,Copy !req
4. and I think we might just have
another hit on our hands.Copy !req
5. I've sent gift baskets
to every critic in town.Copy !req
6. Are you telling me
you're bribing the critics?Copy !req
7. Trying to buy us a good review?Copy !req
8. Good thinking.Copy !req
9. Oh, Mr. Sheffield, my entire family
is so excitedCopy !req
10. about being invited
to opening night.Copy !req
11. They want 12 chicken dinners,
two prime ribsCopy !req
12. and two kosher meals,
if it's not too much trouble.Copy !req
13. Nanny Fine, this is not dinner theater.Copy !req
14. No food? Big mistake.
If you feed them, they will come.Copy !req
15. If your relatives
won't come without a feedbag,Copy !req
16. I'll be happy to sell their tickets
on the street.Copy !req
17. I'll drop you off at your usual corner.Copy !req
18. Miss Fine, I can assure you,
your relatives are gonna love the play.Copy !req
19. It's a brilliant post-modern
exploration of despair.Copy !req
20. No food and despair? Geez, it sounds
like my Weight Watchers meeting.Copy !req
21. Niles, what's all this?Copy !req
22. I knew you were going to the park.
I thought you might take a picnic.Copy !req
23. Oh, you doll, you!Copy !req
24. The refrigerator's broken,
and if we don't eat it, it's garbage.Copy !req
25. Tattletale.Copy !req
26. Well, it beats hanging out
on the fire escapeCopy !req
27. with a can of franks and beans.Copy !req
28. You had your picnics
on the fire escape?Copy !req
29. Hey, with that menu,
we were better off outside.Copy !req
30. Niles, my little Chester's hungry.
Make him something.Copy !req
31. You're a Doberman, attack.Copy !req
32. Oh, Chester!Copy !req
33. I haven't seen you
in such a long time.Copy !req
34. Nanny Fine, please,
he doesn't like strangers.Copy !req
35. Hi.Copy !req
36. C.C., how come
your dog hates you?Copy !req
37. Well, after all, he is a male.Copy !req
38. Not for long.Copy !req
39. She must get a group rate.Copy !req
40. Why's this basket here? It was meant
to go to Frank Bradley, the critic.Copy !req
41. It did. He sent it back with a snide note,Copy !req
42. saying that he couldn't be bought
and if he could,Copy !req
43. he'd cost more than
a tin of smoked oysters.Copy !req
44. There has got to be some way
to get to Frank Bradley.Copy !req
45. I know a Frank Bradley.
He's in my arts and crafts class.Copy !req
46. Maybe that's his son.Copy !req
47. - He said my ashtray was derivative.
- That's him.Copy !req
48. Oh, I was the queen
of arts and crafts.Copy !req
49. Then one day I left
my favorite brush in the shellac,Copy !req
50. and it hardened overnight.Copy !req
51. I just walked away,
never looked back.Copy !req
52. I have a fun idea.
Why don't we call up Frank Jr.,Copy !req
53. and invite him to go
to the park with you?Copy !req
54. Because I hate him.
He's a big bully.Copy !req
55. He's always teasing me
and calling me names.Copy !req
56. Oh, you know what they say:Copy !req
57. Sticks and stones can break my bones,
but bad reviews can kill you.Copy !req
58. She doesn't like the kid. You want her
to play with someone she doesn't like?Copy !req
59. If I had to like every one of my friends,
I wouldn't have any.Copy !req
60. I'll flip you for it.Copy !req
61. Grace, dear, Frank's father is going
to review our play on television,Copy !req
62. and he can either make it
a big hit or a big flop.Copy !req
63. She doesn't play well under pressure.Copy !req
64. - I'm shutting down.
- All right, I'll do it myself.Copy !req
65. You must have that kid's number.Copy !req
66. Where's all that school junk
you're always bothering Maxwell with?Copy !req
67. Would it be on the "Pitah" phone list?Copy !req
68. That's PTA, Mother Hubbard.Copy !req
69. Here it is.Copy !req
70. "Pitah."Copy !req
71. Hello. Is this Mr. Bradley?Copy !req
72. We haven't met, but your little Frank
is in the same class as my Gracie.Copy !req
73. I'm not hers. Am I?Copy !req
74. No, angel. You don't shed your skin.Copy !req
75. It is such a beautiful day,
and we were wonderingCopy !req
76. if little Frank would like to go
to the park with Grace.Copy !req
77. Marvelous!Copy !req
78. You know, there is
a brilliant theater criticCopy !req
79. by the name of Frank Bradley.Copy !req
80. You are?Copy !req
81. Oh, can that woman ever suck up.Copy !req
82. If she came with attachments,
we could throw out the Hoover.Copy !req
83. Come on, Gracie. Move it along.Copy !req
84. There's been a change of plans.
You're taking Frank Jr. to the park.Copy !req
85. Forget it! We're going
to the park by ourselves.Copy !req
86. I forbid it.Copy !req
87. Forbid? Is that the F word I hear?Copy !req
88. That's the F word?
What's the big deal?Copy !req
89. Who's the nanny here anyway?Copy !req
90. I was there when this child was born.
Where were you?Copy !req
91. In high school.Copy !req
92. Ladies, isn't there a more grown-up
way to settle your differences?Copy !req
93. I'm thinking mud wrestling.Copy !req
94. Actually, there is a more grown-up way.
I'm telling Maxwell on you.Copy !req
95. Not if I get there first.Copy !req
96. Brighton, block her!Copy !req
97. Well, of course, we'd love to have
Mayor Guiliani there opening night.Copy !req
98. But please ask him
to leave his son at home.Copy !req
99. All right, Thigh Master!Copy !req
100. Mr. Sheffield, would you please
explain to Miss BabcockCopy !req
101. that I am
in charge of the children?Copy !req
102. Well, of course you're in charge.Copy !req
103. If Gracie doesn't want to play
with a little boy, she doesn't have to?Copy !req
104. No, of course not.Copy !req
105. Miss Babcock, come in.Copy !req
106. It's Frank Bradley's son.Copy !req
107. - On the other hand—
- What?Copy !req
108. Well, it might be good for Grace
to play with him.Copy !req
109. But she doesn't like him.Copy !req
110. How does she know she doesn't
if she doesn't spend time with him?Copy !req
111. That's good!Copy !req
112. Yeah, it's important for Grace
to learn how to get alongCopy !req
113. with all kinds of people—Copy !req
114. Even people she doesn't
particularly care for.Copy !req
115. Too bad we didn't have this
conversation in the garden.Copy !req
116. The plants would've loved
the fertilizer.Copy !req
117. Come on, Frank,
don't shoot at the birds.Copy !req
118. You call this a park? I find it dull.Copy !req
119. The scenery is totally lacking
in imagination.Copy !req
120. Why did we have to bring him?Copy !req
121. Well, the more the merrier.Copy !req
122. Except when you're talking
about chins.Copy !req
123. My Aunt Miriam had more chins
than the Chinese phone book.Copy !req
124. That joke's so old I heard it
on The Flintstones.Copy !req
125. Which, by the way, was a pale
imitation of The Honeymooners.Copy !req
126. His father is a critic. It's hereditary.Copy !req
127. I'm bored. Give me food
to feed the squirrels.Copy !req
128. You don't need food. Just lie down
and make believe you're dead.Copy !req
129. My, does that kid have a mouth
on him or what?Copy !req
130. - Does he take after his father?
- Who knows?Copy !req
131. I met his father for five minutes
and that was enough.Copy !req
132. Apparently.Copy !req
133. I didn't want him, next thing I knew,
he was on his way,Copy !req
134. and now I'm stuck with him.Copy !req
135. I'm just furious with Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
136. - The little boy's father?
- No, the little girl's father.Copy !req
137. The little boy's is Mr. Bradley.Copy !req
138. You call them both "Mister"?Copy !req
139. Well, I don't really know
either of them that well.Copy !req
140. What?Copy !req
141. Oh, you think that me
and them are their?Copy !req
142. I'm the nanny.Copy !req
143. Hey, Frank, don't aim that at her.Copy !req
144. Good boy.Copy !req
145. You're very patient.Copy !req
146. Maybe I should get a nanny.Copy !req
147. Oh, you really should, with one
baby and another one on the way.Copy !req
148. And two more at home.Copy !req
149. Oh, honey, you don't need a nanny.
You need a hobby.Copy !req
150. Stop it. You're gonna make her bald!Copy !req
151. Hey, Frank, quit it!
There's no Hair Club for Dolls.Copy !req
152. Frank, did you hear me?Copy !req
153. Are you going to make me walk over there?Copy !req
154. He's gonna make me walk over there.Copy !req
155. Fran, get him off me!Copy !req
156. Oh, Calgon, take me away.Copy !req
157. Giddyap, little donkey.Copy !req
158. Fran, he's pulling my hair!Copy !req
159. Frank, get off of her
before I count to three!Copy !req
160. One, two,Copy !req
161. two and a half,
two and three-quarters.Copy !req
162. Three, three, three!Copy !req
163. Frank, get off!Copy !req
164. - You hit me!
- I did not!Copy !req
165. Did so. I'm gonna tell
my father on you.Copy !req
166. Oh, I'm really shaking.
What's he gonna do?Copy !req
167. I hear your boss
has a new play coming up.Copy !req
168. Who are you, Siskel and Ebert?Copy !req
169. Niles, have you seen my yellow
notepad with all my notes on it?Copy !req
170. Not recently, sir.
Where did you have it last?Copy !req
171. Why do people always ask that?Copy !req
172. If I remembered where I had it last, I'd
go get it and not bother you, wouldn't I?Copy !req
173. The mantle. I was pacing
and I left it on the—Copy !req
174. Niles, you're a genius.Copy !req
175. Honored to be the wind
beneath your wings, sir.Copy !req
176. Hi! We're back.Copy !req
177. - How was the park?
- Oh, you know,Copy !req
178. birds, trees, muggers. The usual.Copy !req
179. So, sweetheart, did you and Frank Jr.
have a good time together?Copy !req
180. - We hit it off. We broke bread.
- All right. I'm glad.Copy !req
181. And I really appreciate you doing this.
Because, well,Copy !req
182. Bradley's father's review could
really make or break our play,Copy !req
183. and we've worked so hard on it.Copy !req
184. And it's not just me. I mean,
there's all kinds of jobs at stake:Copy !req
185. The cast, crew, ushers,
Old Pops at the stage door.Copy !req
186. Not Old Pops.Copy !req
187. Telephone, sir. It's Mr. Bradley.Copy !req
188. Probably calling to try
and steal you away.Copy !req
189. Oh, I might be available.Copy !req
190. Hello, Frank.Copy !req
191. What?
Well— I'm terribly sorry. I—Copy !req
192. There must be some mistake.Copy !req
193. No, no, Frank, there's absolutely no
reason to bring any lawyers into this.Copy !req
194. Frank. Frank? Hello? Hello?Copy !req
195. You wouldn't hit
the woman carrying your child.Copy !req
196. All right, I'm trying to stay calm.Copy !req
197. That's good, because you are entering
those dangerous heart-attack years.Copy !req
198. Miss Fine, you struck a child?Copy !req
199. Struck a child?
Oh, God, let it be Grace.Copy !req
200. It was little Frank Bradley.
Miss Fine hit him with a baguette.Copy !req
201. She nailed him.Copy !req
202. Don't help, honey. You can't nail
someone with a baguetteCopy !req
203. unless it's stale, of course,
or sourdough,Copy !req
204. or a nice hard crouton
aimed at the Adam's apple.Copy !req
205. Do you have any idea what you've done?Copy !req
206. Well, it's been a very busy day.
Can you be more specific?Copy !req
207. I'll tell you what we'll do.Copy !req
208. We'll invite Mr. Bradley and his son over
so Miss Fine can apologize to them.Copy !req
209. So even though the kid deserved it,Copy !req
210. I'm gonna have to beg and grovel
and completely debase myself?Copy !req
211. Miss Babcock will show you how it's done.Copy !req
212. I don't think a gift basket
is gonna get us out of this one.Copy !req
213. I may have to offer myself.Copy !req
214. Might as well close the play now.Copy !req
215. Don't touch that door!Copy !req
216. Is it just me,
or does he need a vacation?Copy !req
217. We're conserving the cold until
that wretched repairman gets here.Copy !req
218. Now, tell me what you want.
You get one request.Copy !req
219. - Milk.
- Yogurt.Copy !req
220. - Miss Grace?
- I'm not that hungry.Copy !req
221. Suit yourself, but I warn you,
the door won't open again until 6:00.Copy !req
222. Okay, pudding.Copy !req
223. Two seconds.Copy !req
224. That's a new personal best.Copy !req
225. This isn't pudding.
This is cocktail onions.Copy !req
226. I'd make you a martini,
but the ice has melted.Copy !req
227. I know these measures
may seem a bit harsh,Copy !req
228. but in order to ensure
that no more food spoils,Copy !req
229. the refrigerator doors
must remain shut at all times.Copy !req
230. Niles, something smells
like it died in here.Copy !req
231. Oh, Miss Fine!Copy !req
232. All right, I'll have a bagel.Copy !req
233. Get back! She's armed.Copy !req
234. Put the bagel down and step away
from the bread box!Copy !req
235. This is all your fault, Niles.Copy !req
236. You had to pack
that stupid baguette.Copy !req
237. Baguettes don't hurt people.
People hurt people.Copy !req
238. I can't believe Mr. Sheffield
is making me do this.Copy !req
239. All you have to do is apologize.
I have to make the refreshments.Copy !req
240. Thank you, Niles. It's nice to know
that we're in on this together.Copy !req
241. Well, meanwhile,
the caviar is sweating,Copy !req
242. the brie is running
and my crudités is limp.Copy !req
243. You know, they got an operation
for that now.Copy !req
244. I can't believe that you're making me
apologize for something,Copy !req
245. when I really didn't do anything wrong.Copy !req
246. Look, if you really
didn't do anything wrong,Copy !req
247. just smile and be charming
and lie through your teeth.Copy !req
248. Oh, well, if you put it that way,Copy !req
249. I suppose I can make believe
that I'm at a tax audit.Copy !req
250. Hello, hello. Maxwell, this is
Frank Bradley.Copy !req
251. Well, of course, it is.
Good to meet you, Frank.Copy !req
252. Hello, Sheffield.Copy !req
253. I do apologize
for this whole ugly mess.Copy !req
254. - I feel terrible.
- Really?Copy !req
255. I thought you'd be used to
disasters by now.Copy !req
256. You've certainly produced
enough of them.Copy !req
257. Oh, there's that Bradley wit.
Oh, and you must be Frank Jr.Copy !req
258. - Nice to meet you, young man.
- Your hand's sweaty. Nervous?Copy !req
259. What a charming little snot.
Tot!Copy !req
260. Don't you have something you want
to say to Mr. Bradley and his son?Copy !req
261. Yeah, but then I'd have something
else to apologize for.Copy !req
262. - Miss Fine.
- Oh, all right. Okay.Copy !req
263. Mr. Bradley, things might've gotten
a little out of hand at the park,Copy !req
264. and whosever fault it was— Not mine.
- I suppose I would be sorry.Copy !req
265. Well, that's that, then.
A heartfelt apology. Shall we?Copy !req
266. Well, I think it needs some work.Copy !req
267. What do you think, son?Copy !req
268. It left me cold, much like
Robert Goulet in Cyrano.Copy !req
269. That's my boy!
How fast they grow up.Copy !req
270. Soon he'll be closing plays
and destroying careers.Copy !req
271. You must be very proud.Copy !req
272. Well, I'd love to stand here and grovel,Copy !req
273. but I'm afraid I have
to walk the dog. Chester!Copy !req
274. Come on, boy. Come on, boy.Copy !req
275. Good boy. Yes!Copy !req
276. Where do you want to go?
Oh, Pomerania. Well, I'll get my coat.Copy !req
277. That dog's ugly.Copy !req
278. He's got beady little eyes
and a pointy little nose.Copy !req
279. It looks like her!Copy !req
280. They're from the same litter.Copy !req
281. Finger sandwich?Copy !req
282. What idiot made these?Copy !req
283. I did. And they came
from a real little boy.Copy !req
284. Yes, finger sandwich, Mr. Bradley?Copy !req
285. A man like you deserves
a good finger every now and then.Copy !req
286. Sheffield, I can't believe
that you employ this woman.Copy !req
287. She's rude, she's insolent,
and totally unfit to be a nanny!Copy !req
288. And keep this damn beast
out of my eyes!Copy !req
289. - Your dog bit me.
- He's not my dog.Copy !req
290. - Yes, he is.
- What?Copy !req
291. That dog has no connection whatsoever
to myself, Maxwell or our play.Copy !req
292. That dog is a menace
and ought to be put to sleep!Copy !req
293. - Sure. No problem.
- Hey!Copy !req
294. Listen, Cruella, nobody
is touching this dog!Copy !req
295. - He's my dog.
- I thought he was hers.Copy !req
296. I forgot.Copy !req
297. Maxwell gave him to me.
It was a gift from the heart.Copy !req
298. So if I want to kill him, I can.Copy !req
299. Niles, quick! Get a bucket of water.
Let's see if she melts.Copy !req
300. Sheffield, if you want
to avoid a lawsuit,Copy !req
301. I suggest that you muzzle that dog
and muzzle the nanny as well!Copy !req
302. You know, Frank, I'm getting
bloody tired of kissing up to you.Copy !req
303. I'm not. Let me do it.Copy !req
304. Miss Fine was right
from the beginning.Copy !req
305. I should never have forced
my little girl to play with your son.Copy !req
306. Quite clearly, he deserved
everything he got.Copy !req
307. I don't care what you think
about my play,Copy !req
308. and, frankly, I don't care
much for you either.Copy !req
309. Now, let me show you the door.
It's over there.Copy !req
310. Son, let's go!Copy !req
311. You'll never work in this town again.Copy !req
312. Oh, Mr. Sheffield.
You know, it takes you a while,Copy !req
313. but when you see the light,Copy !req
314. boy, you just jump on that white horse
and you go.Copy !req
315. And you, my little fluffy protector.Copy !req
316. You were just like Kevin Costner
in the Bodyguard.Copy !req
317. Except you have a better haircut.Copy !req
318. Oh, I thought the play was just excellent.Copy !req
319. Put in a seafood buffet,
and you've got yourself a hit.Copy !req
320. If you enjoyed it that much, how come
you snuck out before the curtain call?Copy !req
321. Well, because nature called.Copy !req
322. And by the way,
not to knock your theater,Copy !req
323. but two stalls, 600 women.
It's like Tokyo in there.Copy !req
324. I hate waiting for reviews.Copy !req
325. My stomach has been in knots
all day long.Copy !req
326. Oh, we really don't have anything
to be concerned about.Copy !req
327. I mean, whatever else he might be,
Frank Bradley is a professional.Copy !req
328. Right. He's not gonna let personal
feelings get in the way of his judgment.Copy !req
329. - We're doomed.
- We're doomed.Copy !req
330. I thought these pictures were
supposed to be of famous people.Copy !req
331. Who's Ethel Merman?Copy !req
332. - Never heard of her.
- How about Mary Martin?Copy !req
333. Beats me.Copy !req
334. Hey, hey, hey, how about this one?
Groucho Marx?Copy !req
335. Oh, he must be Marky Mark's grandfather.Copy !req
336. Oh, look! Here it is, here it is!Copy !req
337. I can't look. Tell me which way
his thumb is pointing.Copy !req
338. Well, it's time for Critic's Corner.
Unfortunately, Frank BradleyCopy !req
339. - is out with food poisoning tonight.
- Yes!Copy !req
340. The finger sandwiches.Copy !req
341. I ate the finger sandwiches.Copy !req
342. That darn refrigerator.Copy !req
343. So we went right to the theater
to get the opinion of the common man.Copy !req
344. Hi!Copy !req
345. - Fran, that's you!
- I know. Do I look a little chunky?Copy !req
346. I loved it. It was a masterpiece!Copy !req
347. Compelling, riveting,
a sheer enchantment.Copy !req
348. Two thumbs up.Copy !req
349. Bartender, I think there's
something wrong with your set.Copy !req
350. I sound so nasal.Copy !req
351. It was a perfect evening of theater,Copy !req
352. although adding a few stalls
to the ladies' room wouldn't kill them.Copy !req
353. Hi, Ma! Hi! Hi, Daddy!Copy !req
354. Well, it looks like a hit to us.Copy !req
355. Oh, thank you, Miss Fine.Copy !req
356. Any time, Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
357. Any time.Copy !req
358. Well, that makes it official.
Our final perishable has perished.Copy !req
359. And there's the repairman,
in the nick of time.Copy !req
360. Well, listen, the man
is highly in demand.Copy !req
361. This is a very sensitive piece
of equipment.Copy !req
362. - Who you gonna call?
- Frost Busters.Copy !req
363. - I'll just have a look at the Frigidaire.
- Well, actually, it's a Sub-Zero.Copy !req
364. Not anymore.Copy !req
365. Could be a condenser problem.
I think you got a crack.Copy !req
366. We got a crack.Copy !req
367. You know, I think these repairmen
must all shop at the same store.Copy !req
368. Yeah, the Gap.Copy !req
369. Oh, thank you so much! And I'd like
you all to thank my dear friend,Copy !req
370. a man that I'll kiss any day
on both cheeks, Mr. Dan Aykroyd!Copy !req