The Nanny 1x16

1. I am so sick of all this snow.

2. There's a pigeon frozen to the windowsill.

3. Oh, gee. Look at this gorgeous tanned family relaxing on the beach.

4. Who is that attractive brunette in the background there?

5. Oh, gee, you know, that must be the nanny.

6. No. No, it couldn't be. Her mouth's closed.

7. You know, actually, this does look very inviting.

8. I suppose we could all do with a break.

9. Hey, let's go to the Cayman Club.

10. Oh, yeah. They've got that fabulous teen program.

11. Oh, too bad you're only 12.

12. Oh, yeah, but you can be unpopular with a whole new bunch of kids.

13. Best of all, they have a whole separate dining room for children.

14. I don't care, as long as I get some color.

15. Wait a minute. Kids' programs, separate dining rooms.

16. What kind of place is this? It sounds like you would never see each other.

17. - Well, yeah. - That's kind of the point.

18. It's a vacation.

19. A family vacation you spend with your family.

20. We spent every summer together in Miami.

21. How could you go to Miami in the summer?

22. Easy, drive south and hang a left at hell.

23. Wasn't it hot and humid and gross?

24. Yeah, but it was off-season rates, so we got to stay twice as long.

25. Plus, the Fontainebleau had this fabulous seafood extravaganza.

26. Oh, buffet tip:

27. Always go past the rolls, right to the lobster and shrimp.

28. - Did you write that down, Niles? - It's all up here, sir.

29. Oh, you guys'll have such a great time, and you'll come back...

30. with a whole new lease on life. I'll still be here

31. saddled with the old lease.

32. - Shoveling snow in the walkway. - Miss Fine.

33. Fall, break my head. You'll pick me up when you get back.

34. - Miss Fine! - What?

35. If I'm traveling with the children,

36. naturally I expect the nanny to accompany us.

37. How kind of you to think of me.

38. What about Niles, though?

39. Don't you want a little peace and quiet?

40. Desperately. How soon can you all pack?

41. She was working in a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens

42. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out In one of those crushing scenes

43. What was she to do, where was she to go? She was out on her fanny

44. So over the bridge from Flushing To the Sheffields' door

45. She was there to sell makeup But the father saw more

46. She had style, she had flair She was there

47. That's how she became the Nanny

48. Who would have guessed That the girl we described

49. Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?

50. - Now the father finds her beguiling - Watch out, C.C.

51. - And the kids are actually smiling - Such joie de vivre!

52. She's the lady in red When everybody else is wearing tan

53. The flashy girl from Flushing The Nanny named Fran

54. A vacation? That's a splendid idea.

55. I've been dying to get away.

56. Well, now's your chance, since I'll be out of town.

57. I hear Club Med has a "desperate women with no prospects" package.

58. It's a waste of money.

59. So I've heard.

60. Oh, C.C., you know we'd like to take you with us

61. but this is really a time for me to be alone with the family.

62. Mr. Sheffield.

63. Oh, wait till you see the adorable bathing suit

64. I got for the honeymoon—

65. I mean, the vacation.

66. Oh, Grace will look very cute in that.

67. What, Grace? This is for me.

68. If we're going to Gilligan's Island, I want to be Ginger.

69. You mean you're going with them?

70. A nanny's work is never done.

71. Well, if you'll all excuse me, I have a life to get on with.

72. I have a standing invitation with a certain senator.

73. What some politicians won't do for a vote.

74. Yeah! Oh, they don't write them like that anymore.

75. - I can't wait to go snorkeling. - Me too.

76. Maggie floating face-down in the water? I'm there.

77. Niles, you didn't have to drive us to the airport.

78. Oh, yes, I did, sir.

79. If need be, I would've carried you.

80. Oh, I can't stand driving backwards. I get carsick.

81. Miss Babcock, would you mind switching with me?

82. Is it absolutely necessary?

83. Did you see the pea soup scene in The Exorcist?

84. - All right, all right. - Okay. Thank you.

85. You got a run in your stocking. Oh, no. It's just a spider vein.

86. Oh, these lifeguards are gorgeous. I can't wait to drown.

87. Not that we'll ever get there with this traffic.

88. - I know a shortcut. - No. We'll stay on the expressway.

89. - It's the most direct route. - That's what my father said

90. when we were going to see Liza at the Westbury Music Fair.

91. P.S., we got there so late she was halfway through her encore of "New York."

92. Don't you mean "New York, New York"?

93. That's how late we were.

94. Miss Fine, we've passed that same derelict six times.

95. Are we there yet?

96. I told you to go before we left the house.

97. I didn't have to go then.

98. Whatever you do,

99. don't think about rushing rivers or babbling brooks or waterfalls.

100. I'm singing in the rain

101. Is that a gas station?

102. No.

103. Say, where's Ronnie's Slack Shack?

104. Who cares?

105. Well, I'm losing all my landmarks. Everything is white from the snow.

106. Oh, I know what we'll do. We'll go to my mother's.

107. From there, I could find my way anywhere.

108. Well couldn't you just pretend you just left your mother's

109. and are picking me up here, on the way to the airport?

110. Forget it. If you're taking me away for the weekend,

111. the least you could do is pick me up.

112. What kind of girl do you think I am?

113. - What are you doing here? - Where's your bathroom?

114. Down the hall, but don't use the rosette soaps.

115. - They're just for show. - The Glade is under the sink.

116. Your father was just in there.

117. I have to go too. Where's your other bathroom?

118. It's in the luncheonette on the corner

119. but they make you order something. I recommend the grilled cheese.

120. I am so sorry for this intrusion, Mrs. Fine.

121. Oh, not at all. It's an honor to have you in our house.

122. You couldn't call, tell a person that you're coming?

123. - I would've Windexed the couch. - Ma!

124. Mrs. Fine, please, don't go to any trouble.

125. We'll only be here a minute. We're on our way to the airport.

126. - Yeah. - You mean you haven't heard?

127. - What? - Heard what?

128. I just saw it on TV. It's the worst blizzard in 30 years.

129. Oh, it doesn't look that bad.

130. Oh, God. Did Kathie Lee come into the studio?

131. - No. - Oh, it's bad.

132. Yeah. All the airports and the bridges are closed.

133. What? Are you telling me we're actually stuck here?

134. What about our vacation?

135. The Caribbean. You never know when there's a revolution, a coup.

136. You'll stay here where you're nice and safe.

137. So are you hungry? I could make a rump roast.

138. I got a tongue in the freezer.

139. What did she say?

140. Well, I am feeling all refreshed and raring to go.

141. Who's gonna tell her?

142. Oh, please, allow me.

143. The bridges, airports, and weekends with a senator

144. have been shut down due to the blizzard.

145. Good one, Niles.

146. Let's go.

147. Oh, I get it. You're all in on it, huh?

148. Tell me he's joking!

149. It won't be so bad.

150. Ma's gonna boil a tongue.

151. Wheel...

152. of...

153. Fortune!

154. What's Vanna wearing?

155. A blue short sequined décolleté.

156. Oh, that's a rerun.

157. Have you ever had the opportunity of working with Merv Griffin?

158. The man is brilliant.

159. You know, he still makes up the puzzles all by himself.

160. He's a giant in the industry.

161. Yeah, his weight does go up and down, God bless him.

162. Oh, my goodness. Miss Fine, what are you wearing?

163. Well, as far as I'm concerned, our vacation is starting right now.

164. Then I want a refund.

165. Oh, there's always one in the tour group.

166. Miss Babcock, you've hardly touched your tongue.

167. Actually, I'm on a no-tongue diet.

168. Oh, the senator will be so disappointed.

169. I think it's really good, Mrs. Fine.

170. Say, I know what'll set the mood.

171. How about a let's-get-acquainted cocktail party?

172. Who wants wine?

173. - Oh, absolutely! - Oh, please.

174. Red or purple?

175. Don't you have anything drier?

176. Bailey's Irish Cream?

177. - Perhaps for dessert. - No!

178. For dessert we're having Jell-O 1-2-3.

179. Ma, I thought they stopped making that in the early '70s.

180. Well, I've been saving it for a special occasion.

181. If this doesn't knock me out, hit me with the bottle.

182. Hey, hey, hey, little one.

183. What did I say?

184. No swimming in the ocean for two hours after eating tongue.

185. And you should put on some sunblock.

186. You don't want to blotch, do you?

187. One bam and mahjong!

188. This is terrifying.

189. Are you telling me this Gilligan chap never gets off the island?

190. He got off once, but then they went back with the Harlem Globetrotters.

191. I think I'll go and watch the game with Morty.

192. Well, keep your eyeglasses on.

193. He's clipping his toenails, and those suckers can fly.

194. This is pathetic.

195. Right now, I should be windsurfing into the sunset with this guy.

196. His tanned, buff arms around me.

197. In your dreams.

198. And even then, I'll be watching you.

199. Don't feel so bad, Maggie.

200. Excellent!

201. Oh, that was so satisfying.

202. Brighton, you are so immature.

203. Did you find the who-cut-the-cheese pillow?

204. No!

205. I'm in hell.

206. Join the club.

207. That's the doorbell.

208. Thanks, Ma. We were all wondering.

209. - Oh, that's okay, Niles. I'll get it. - Oh, sorry. Force of habit.

210. Oh, look.

211. It's the cute cabana boy.

212. Hi, Kenny. What's up? How's your parents? What do you need?

213. Not much. They're fine. Fabric softener.

214. Come on in. Boy, look how big you got.

215. You really grew into your ears.

216. Well, I had that growth spurt after my Bar Mitzvah.

217. Hey, you wanna meet a real live shiksa goddess?

218. Kenny, this is Maggie. Maggie, Kenny.

219. - Hi. - Hi.

220. Mix and mingle.

221. - We're stuck here. - I've been stuck here for 17 years.

222. At least you get to leave when the snow melts.

223. - Cool jeans. - Oh, thanks.

224. - I got them at Ronnie's Slack Shack. - Where is that place?

225. It's on Union Turnpike, right next door to Vinnie's Jacket Racket.

226. Oh, yeah. By the Blouse House.

227. Does anyone have a sharp knife?

228. You wanna come down to the new launderette?

229. If you think I'm cute now, you should see me under the fluorescent lights.

230. Oh, aren't they cute?

231. It's just like Blue Lagoon.

232. She's Brooke Shields, and he's David Brenner.

233. He seemed like a nice young man.

234. If anyone wants my opinion—

235. - Hands? - Niles.

236. Sorry, sir, but every time I try to get out, she pulls me back in.

237. Say what you will, but this is an iffy neighborhood.

238. For all we know, he could be a member of a gang.

239. Oh, what gang? The Oys in the 'Hood?

240. I'm telling you, this kid is a doll.

241. His father invented the little plastic thingies on the ends of shoelaces.

242. Oh, of course, the lace-thingie heir.

243. Where have you been hiding him?

244. Oh, stop. Mr. Sheffield, no. It's your vacation.

245. Oh, I know, and I'm having such a lovely time...

246. in the sitting room, but I thought I'd take a scenic tour of the kitchen.

247. While you're in there, will you pull out the capon for tomorrow?

248. And smear on some of the Campbell's Creamy Mushroom.

249. This is awfully nice of your parents to take us in like this.

250. Well, that's the kind of people they are.

251. They consider you all family, and when it comes to family,

252. we Fines stick together.

253. I'll tell you, there's more warmth in this little apartment

254. than in all the Caribbean islands put together.

255. Oh, hello, what's this?

256. A fortune chicken?

257. Oh, is that not romantic?

258. My father left my mother a love letter

259. and stuffed it in the chicken between the heart and the giblets.

260. Oh, isn't that grotesque.

261. It's a little smeared. Can you make that out?

262. Here, wait a minute.

263. "My darling, my passion for you...

264. lives forever."

265. Oh, I can just weep from the beauty that is my parents' union.

266. "Yours forever, Paul Zelaznik."

267. Paul Zelaznik?

268. - Who's Paul Zelaznik? - The butcher. Oh, my God.

269. Is my mother having an affair?

270. Fran! Fran?

271. - Here, here! - I don't want it!

272. I was thinking, Daddy's not in the mood for chicken.

273. Oh, can you blame him?

274. So I thought I'd make spaghetti.

275. - Make sure there's enough ketchup. - All right.

276. My mother and the butcher.

277. Could this be happening?

278. Oh, come on, we don't know for certain that note was meant for your mother.

279. There are plenty of ways it could've gotten into the chicken.

280. How? It sat on it?

281. There you go.

282. Oh, God! Everyone, come and see!

283. I hope no great expectations accompany this outfit.

284. I bought this for Daddy to wear in the Poconos.

285. Poor guy was living in a fool's paradise.

286. Thanks for your help. If this heiress thing doesn't work out,

287. you could have a great career in fluffing and folding.

288. Thanks, Kenny. Shalom.

289. You know, I hear Jewish men make excellent husbands.

290. I wonder who she heard that from.

291. Probably Niles. He's always buzzing something in her ear.

292. Don't you think Kenny looks just like Luke Perry?

293. Poor thing. She's as blind as my father.

294. You're gonna wake up Mr. Sheffield!

295. Oh, it's all right. I'm already awake.

296. Brighton's having that kickboxing dream again.

297. Brighton. Brighton. Honey.

298. Go sleep with your sisters.

299. C.C.'s in there.

300. Well, she's used to getting kicked out of bed.

301. - Oh! - Oh, sorry.

302. Oh, peace at last.

303. Oh, for heaven's sakes!

304. Miss Fine.

305. - Ow! - Oh, sorry, old man.

306. Even Gilligan had a hammock.

307. Miss Fine, it's 3 a.m.

308. Who can sleep?

309. Well, I wouldn't mind having a crack at it.

310. Look at this picture of my mother and father at their 30th anniversary.

311. You think you know someone. Who is this stranger I call Ma?

312. Same person she always was, the one who made this house

313. warmer than all the islands in the Caribbean.

314. Oh, yeah. Did she have to warm up half of Queens too?

315. Don't you realize the entire foundation

316. by which I judge all relationships is just crumbling before my eyes?

317. Miss Fine, you don't need to lose your faith in marriage

318. just because your mother turns out to be human.

319. Oh, there was a Jerry Vale tape in the veal!

320. Maxwell, I hope you don't mind, but Brighton insisted we trade places.

321. There.

322. If you're looking for the hot water bottle,

323. that's not it.

324. More sausage?

325. Breakfast steak?

326. Eat up, eat up!

327. You'd love that, wouldn't you?

328. The faster we eat, the sooner you could go "shopping."

329. I'm through dusting, Mrs. Fine. Can I be of any further service?

330. Ma, you're not making her play "cleaning girl," are you?

331. She does a good job. I can see myself in the couch.

332. At the end of the day, I get paid a dollar.

333. A dollar, Ma?

334. Well, she's got no experience.

335. Unlike some people I know.

336. - What are you talking about? - Like you don't know.

337. Fran, I'd like to see you in the kitchen.

338. No, I'd like to see you in the kitchen.

339. Fine, have it your way.

340. - What's with you? - What's with you?

341. - Me? - Me?

342. - What's with you? - What's with you?

343. Excuse us.

344. We'll start lunch.

345. Okay, Ma, I wanna know for once and for all, what is going on here?

346. What are you talking about?

347. Oh, chopped sirloin. Extra lean. Look at this.

348. Paulie the butcher takes very good care of me.

349. Well, I'll bet. Oh, lookie here, mail's in.

350. Fran, have you been going through my meat?

351. It's not what you think.

352. Ma, you and the butcher? How could you?

353. Fran, you're blowing it all out of proportion.

354. - All we do is— - Oh, please, no details.

355. Once I get a picture in my head...

356. It's just a little innocent flirting.

357. You mean you're not having an affair?

358. No, of course not.

359. He winks at me, and I tell him what a nice rump he has today,

360. and I get a roast half-price.

361. Ma, you tramp.

362. Hey, we're on a fixed income here.

363. Well, what would Daddy say if he found out?

364. He knows. Sometimes he comes down...

365. and he watches Paulie give me the meat.

366. This is like a really bad Geraldo.

367. You can make fun because you're young.

368. You're still turning heads.

369. For me, not so much anymore.

370. But when Paul Zelaznik winks at me with his good eye...

371. I feel young again too.

372. - What's the matter? - I think I can live with this...

373. as long as you and Daddy still love each other.

374. Of course we do, and I'll tell you a little secret.

375. Your father and I have better sex with a full freezer.

376. Ma, I'm getting a picture.

377. There'll be no sleeping tonight.

378. Wheel of Fortune!

379. Come on, Ma! It's a new one!

380. Here, Brighton, try this.

381. Not bad. What is it?

382. Stuffed derma. Delish.

383. - What's a derma? - Skin.

384. No, sweetheart, it's not skin. It's intestines.

385. Morty, get out of the bathroom!

386. I thought after med school, I'd go into stand-up comedy.

387. Sort of a big joke on my parents.

388. Oh, buy a vowel, you twit.

389. - So it's sorted out with your parents? - Oh, yeah.

390. They're like the Rock of Gibraltar.

391. I don't know what you were so worried about.

392. Can we come back here next year for our vacation?

393. Yes, we are having a good time, aren't we?

394. That's because we're all together.

395. Who needs the Caribbean anyway?

396. The roads are clear, the airport's open!

397. All right, kids, pack it up. We're out of this dump.

398. Eat up. We'll be right back.

399. Where's Brighton?

400. More tongue?