1. Niles!
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2. Uh-oh, Daddy just found out
we don't have any water.
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3. Damn blasted, bloody pipes.
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4. I'm selling the house.
We're moving back to England.
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5. And he's taking it very well.
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6. And I suppose there's no tea.
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7. Here. Suck on this...
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8. Sir.
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9. Oh, Daddy, I'm disgusting.
I can't go out in public like this.
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10. It's never stopped you before.
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11. Good morning, everyone.
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12. Miss Fine, do you have water
in your bathroom?
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13. No.
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14. - Well, then how could you look like that?
- Believe me, it wasn't easy.
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15. I went through my entire supply
of moist towelettes.
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16. And I laughed at my mother.
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17. Niles, did you call a plumber?
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18. I beeped him, sir, but his yacht
has gone into international waters.
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19. Well, did you look for someone else?
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20. No. I've been leafing through
the yellow pages for origami supplies.
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21. Oh, if you need a plumber,
I got a second cousin—
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22. I'd rather wait for rain.
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23. Are you still holding a grudge
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24. because of my Uncle Aaron,
the electrician?
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25. No, why should I?
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26. My eyebrows have almost grown back.
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27. Hey, a lot of women will pay
good money for that effect.
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28. It's difficult to get someone
on the weekend, sir.
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29. Well... "Cousin Irving is on call.
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30. Twenty-four hours a day."
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31. Miss Fine, this is an old house
with very delicate pipes.
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32. Hey, my Aunt Ida would let
any guy in a white coat
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33. remove her gallstones,
but only Irving could touch her toilets.
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34. Against every fiber of my body...
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35. contrary to every belief I hold dear...
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36. you can hire your cousin.
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37. But if anything goes wrong...
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38. Oh, would you trust me?
Irving is a legend.
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39. Believe me, before he set up shop,
they didn't call it "Flushing."
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40. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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41. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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42. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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43. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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44. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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45. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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46. That's how she became the Nanny
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47. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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48. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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49. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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50. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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51. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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52. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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53. Dad, why can't I go? It's just a party.
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54. - Give me one good reason.
- I'll give you 16.
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55. Eight boys, and their grubby little hands.
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56. That's not fair.
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57. This is a very important call.
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58. Pasquali, can you do a pedicure at four?
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59. Margaret, case closed.
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60. Fine. I won't have a life.
I'll end up old and alone, like Fran!
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61. Hi.
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62. Hi. Have you seen my Poligrip?
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63. Fran, you've got to help me—
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64. Huh? Sorry. I think I lost my Miracle Ear.
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65. Miss Fine, please. I am trying
to schedule my beauty appointment.
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66. Well, I hope it's not a toll call.
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67. Now, what is all this yelling about?
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68. You're making me homesick.
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69. It's a party at Kimberly's,
and everybody's going but me.
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70. Just look at this guest list
I found by the telephone.
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71. So? I know most of these kids.
What's the problem?
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72. Well, they're all paired off.
Boys and girls, two by two.
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73. It's like Noah's ark.
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74. Your first make out party.
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75. - Who'd you get?
- She's not getting anyone
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76. and no one is getting her.
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77. Did I say make out? I meant makeup.
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78. Makeover! Avon. Mary Kay.
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79. Maybe they'll have Tupperware there.
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80. No kissing. Just... burping.
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81. Are you done?
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82. Well, unless you've got something to add.
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83. Well, I do. Maggie, you're too young.
You're not going.
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84. I can't believe you.
You never let me go anywhere.
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85. Not true. Go to your room.
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86. What's the matter?
All the convents are full?
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87. Miss Fine, she's too young
for a kissing party.
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88. She's only 14 years old.
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89. She's gonna be 15.
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90. Oh, well, you get an "A" in math.
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91. Look, I'm not letting her go
to some Park Avenue apartment
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92. crawling with a bunch
of lecherous young men.
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93. You wouldn't happen to have
the address, would you?
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94. More pictures and resumés
of showgirls, sir.
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95. The audition's this afternoon.
These should have been here hours ago.
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96. They were.
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97. I'd pay particular attention
to Gigi, Lulu,
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98. and the one on the unicycle.
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99. How on earth does she keep
from falling forward?
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100. And even if she did,
she'd bounce right back.
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101. Oh, no, no, no.
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102. These girls won't do.
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103. Look at that one!
Big hair, tight pants, red lips.
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104. Tramp!
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105. Well, you're right, C.C.
They're all tall, leggy and buxom.
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106. And we specifically ordered
short, dumpy showgirls.
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107. Oh, that reminds me of my Aunt Rosalind.
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108. All she ever wanted to do
was to be a Rockette.
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109. She made the height requirement.
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110. It was the width that was the problem.
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111. I just can't get enough
of these stories of your relatives.
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112. Tell me again about the one which ends
with the plumbing getting fixed.
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113. I'd like to shower and shave
before these auditions.
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114. You are a bit scruffy...
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115. common, brutish.
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116. Need a moist towelette?
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117. Koenig's Speedy Plumbing.
Sorry we're late.
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118. - Who are you?
- I'm Tiffany,
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119. your second cousin, twice-removed.
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120. Oh, no way.
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121. My cousin Tiffany is still in Pampers.
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122. Good news. I'm potty-trained.
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123. Which is more than I can say for him.
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124. Irving?
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125. Fran. You got old.
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126. Yeah, well, I was a lot younger
when I called.
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127. You were supposed to be here at 9:30.
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128. We were.
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129. It's a long way from the curb.
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130. Oh, well, don't lose your momentum.
The kitchen's down that way.
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131. Keep moving.
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132. Hey, don't touch anything.
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133. You break it, you bought it.
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134. So, this is nice.
Your grandfather is babysitting you?
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135. Vice versa.
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136. When we let him out alone,
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137. he just keeps driving
until he runs out of gas
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138. and someone calls the number on the van.
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139. Oh, does that happen often?
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140. Who knows? It's not our number.
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141. He wrecked our van.
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142. No, you may not look through the keyhole
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143. when your father is auditioning showgirls.
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144. - Well, why not?
- That's where I'll be.
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145. Brighton, I want you to meet Tiffany.
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146. - Hi.
- Hi.
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147. Magic.
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148. Well, why don't you two kids
go up and play?
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149. - Mets fan?
- Yankees.
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150. - Giants?
- Jets.
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151. - Geek.
- Dork.
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152. Play nice!
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153. Whoa, this is some big house.
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154. I hope he doesn't charge by the hour.
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155. Uh-oh.
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156. What's with the "uh-oh"?
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157. I don't like to hear plumbers
or hairdressers say "uh-oh."
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158. Forgot my wrench.
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159. What were you doing
so long without your tools?
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160. That's my business.
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161. Can I get you anything?
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162. Juice? Soda?
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163. Digitalis?
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164. Oh, Niles, Mr. Sheffield is gonna kill me.
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165. Why do I have this compulsion
to hire my relatives?
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166. - It's a sickness.
- I know. I should seek help.
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167. Well, I'll call my Uncle Stanley.
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168. He's a shrink.
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169. You have no idea
what you're talking about.
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170. Yeah, you think just because I'm not rich
and go to some fancy private school
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171. I don't know anything?
I'm telling you, there were two Darrens.
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172. - You're crazy.
- No. She's absolutely right.
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173. The first Darren died.
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174. The second Darren
just came out of the closet.
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175. Go live with a witch.
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176. - Pay up.
- Dream on.
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177. Watch it, Richie Rich. You welsh on me,
it's the last thing you'll ever do.
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178. - So, sue me.
- It could happen.
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179. - Uncle Sidney.
- Uncle Sidney.
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180. I don't believe this.
Even the troll has a social life.
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181. I know.
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182. - Daddy can be such a pain.
- I know.
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183. - It's just a party.
- I know.
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184. Say, I know a lot. I should get a raise.
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185. Honey, try to be more understanding
of your father.
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186. He just wants to protect you.
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187. Yeah, well, he's impossible.
He never lets me go anywhere.
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188. I remember my mother didn't let me go
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189. to Amy Semel's Sweet 16
at the bowling alley.
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190. She had this thing about wearing
other people's shoes.
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191. She thought I would get polio,
or was it planter's warts?
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192. Anyway, it was something with a "P."
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193. What does that have to do with me?
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194. Give me a minute.
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195. Oh, yeah.
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196. You know, sometimes your parents
sound like they're crazy
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197. but when you really think about it...
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198. they are.
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199. I'll go talk to your father.
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200. Hey!
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201. Well, the drain's clear.
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202. Wow.
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203. How do you do? Brighton Sheffield,
producer's son.
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204. Hi, Brighton. What do you want
to be when you grow up?
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205. A halter top.
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206. Hello. Hello. Hi.
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207. - Hello.
- Look, Fran. Giant Barbie dolls.
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208. Will you play with me?
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209. Oh. No, honey. These toys are for boys.
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210. I have a four-octave range,
and I studied acting with Stella Adler.
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211. Very impressive.
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212. I can also stand on my hands
and do a full split.
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213. You've got the part.
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214. Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.
I can't wait to work for you.
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215. Oh, God, I want your job.
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216. Thank you, Gigi. We'll call you.
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217. Oh, watch it. You could poke
someone's eye out with those.
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218. Well, look at the two of you,
like a couple of cats
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219. outside a fish store.
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220. I'd have thought you were
more sophisticated than that.
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221. - No, not really.
- No, not really.
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222. Oh, Miss Fine, it's nothing
to be ashamed of.
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223. The human body is a beautiful thing.
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224. Well, I could have had that body too,
had I cashed in my Israeli bond.
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225. Well, don't look at me.
I wanted to do 12 Angry Men.
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226. But they didn't want to do you.
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227. Excuse me. I think I'll see what
needs dusting in the living room.
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228. Miss Fine, did you want something?
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229. - I want to talk to you about Maggie.
- The answer is no.
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230. But it's just a party.
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231. Amazingly enough, that cogent
argument still hasn't convinced me.
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232. Give me a second,
and I'll think of something else.
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233. No. Absolutely not. I forbid it.
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234. Well, can I think it's a definite maybe?
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235. I'll take care of my family,
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236. you take care of yours.
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237. Now go tell your Uncle Irving
to hurry it up
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238. or you'll be finished before he is.
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239. - You want it fast or do you want it good?
- I want it all.
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240. You know, this grungy look
is very cute on you.
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241. Go. Now.
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242. Niles, bring me an aspirin.
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243. Sorry, sir. I've got my hands full.
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244. - Where's Irving?
- The last time I saw him
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245. he was bounding up the stairs.
If you leave now
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246. you can probably catch him at the landing.
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247. Pardon me. Excuse me.
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248. Irving?
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249. Irving?
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250. Irving, are you in here?
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251. Oh my God!
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252. How about a little privacy here?
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253. Tiffany, I told you not to touch anything.
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254. You also said to play nice.
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255. What were you kids thinking,
making out in there?
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256. A minute ago, you were
at each other's throats,
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257. now you're just at each other?
What happened?
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258. Well, she hit me, then I pushed her.
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259. One thing led to another.
You know how it is.
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260. The kid's cute, so I kissed him.
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261. Go ahead, tell me you haven't had
the same thoughts about his old man.
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262. Just mind your own B-I-business.
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263. Fran, it was no big deal.
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264. Maybe not to you,
but you're gonna get me fired.
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265. Your father has this big thing
about his kids kissing.
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266. I don't know why. They're very good at it.
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267. What can I say?
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268. Hey! What are you doing?
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269. You guys need to be hosed down.
If only we had water.
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270. You, go to your room.
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271. Not you.
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272. You want to get somebody hot, go light
a fire under your grandfather's butt.
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273. Mr. Sheffield's gonna kill me.
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274. He's gonna find some way
to make it my fault
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275. just because the plumber is my cousin
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276. and he brought her, and I sent
them up to play together.
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277. Oh, the twisted pathways of his mind.
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278. What am I gonna do?
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279. He nearly had a conniption
when Maggie kissed that boy, Eddie,
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280. and Brighton's three years younger.
Oh, I'm gonna be canned for sure.
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281. Miss Fine, you spend so much time
up this creek
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282. I should think by now
you'd have bought a paddle.
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283. Niles, if you're not part of the solution,
you're part of the problem.
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284. Well, perhaps Master Brighton
will keep his mouth shut.
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285. If he could do that,
I wouldn't be in this mess.
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286. - Hey, guess what?
- What? What?
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287. Brighton kissed Tiffany in the shower.
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288. Thank you, Hedda Hopper.
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289. Any more bright ideas?
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290. Well, perhaps you have a cousin
who works for unemployment?
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291. Miss Fine!
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292. Oh, I can explain.
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293. You know, it's true. I did send
them up to play with each other
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294. but who knew they'd take it literally?
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295. What are you talking about?
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296. You first.
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297. There's still no water.
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298. Oh, you're mad about the water.
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299. Did you hear that, Niles?
He's mad about the water.
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300. Miss Fine, this is hardly cause
for celebration.
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301. I'm about to fire your cousin.
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302. Fire away. Listen, a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.
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303. He's mad about the water.
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304. You're taking this awfully well.
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305. She thought she was in trouble
about Brighton.
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306. Oops.
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307. What about Brighton?
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308. Gotta go. Got a play date. Bye.
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309. - Me, too.
- Freeze.
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310. Mr. Sheffield...
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311. as per your request
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312. to expedite the plumbing situation
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313. I went upstairs to find Cousin Irving
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314. and, well, I found Brighton in the shower.
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315. - He had water?
- He had Tiffany.
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316. What?
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317. Now look, I know you have this thing
about your kids kissing,
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318. - but before you get all bent—
- Brighton was kissing your cousin?
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319. She's just a distant cousin. Very distant.
In fact, she's more like a close neighbor.
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320. Not even close. There was a fence.
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321. So, Brighton snagged his first kiss, huh?
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322. And only 11 years old.
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323. Well, you sound proud of that.
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324. Well, he beat his old man by two years.
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325. Wait a minute. When Maggie was over—
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326. Now would be a good time to stop talking.
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327. Oh, yeah.
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328. You know, you never
think of that as an option.
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329. Irving.
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330. What's the matter, your watch stopped?
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331. No, the date changed.
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332. Are you gonna be through with this
before the battery wears out?
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333. This bathroom's ready to go.
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334. Oh, thank God. So, we can take a shower?
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335. If it's you and me you're talking about...
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336. it's extra.
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337. Fran, did you hear that Brighton
was kissing Tiffany in the shower?
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338. What is this, a slow news day?
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339. This stinks. I'm not allowed
to go to a stupid party
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340. but Daddy wants
to throw Brighton a parade?
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341. I know. It's so unfair.
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342. Oh, is this yours?
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343. No, it's Gracie's.
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344. Fran, what are we gonna do about it?
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345. Honey, I told you, I'm working on him,
but, you know, men can't be rushed.
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346. They're like chickens,
you cook them too fast, they get tough.
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347. Whereas, if you take your time with them,
let them simmer,
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348. then they fall apart in your hand.
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349. But the party's tonight.
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350. Oh. Well, kiss it off.
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351. Fran!
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352. Honey, I've been skating on thin ice
with your father all day.
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353. Please don't push me through.
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354. Aren't you the one who's always telling me
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355. that men and women should be
treated equally?
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356. Well, that sounds like me.
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357. Except that men should still
open the doors and pick up the check.
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358. Yeah. That's definitely me.
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359. Okay. Here. Here. Here.
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360. I'll go poke the chicken.
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361. Mr. Sheffield?
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362. Mr. Sheffield.
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363. I told you kids...
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364. Oh, Mr. Sheffield!
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365. Oh, look, you're wearing
the new soap-on-a-rope
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366. I got you for Christmas.
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367. What? What is it?
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368. I just— And he was— And I saw!
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369. Miss Fine, you're hysterical.
Now, don't make me slap you.
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370. I just saw Mr. Sheffield naked.
It was horrible.
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371. Oh, yes, I keep telling him
to get to the gym.
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372. I'm serious.
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373. It's like seeing your father naked.
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374. My mother should be so lucky.
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375. Would you like a cigarette, Miss Fine?
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376. Oh, he can't even stand
to be seen without a tie.
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377. Oh, this is gonna put him
right over the edge.
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378. You know, when I first started in service,
I walked in on the Queen Mum.
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379. - In the shower?
- On the throne.
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380. He's not strong enough to handle this.
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381. I don't care how many
bulging muscles he's got.
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382. Well, just promise me one thing.
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383. - What?
- Let me tell Miss Babcock.
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384. There you go.
Do I get some guarantee with that?
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385. Yeah. I guarantee I'll be back.
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386. Gramps, let's get a start on those stairs.
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387. I want to make it home before Letterman.
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388. You're leaving me, just like that?
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389. Don't cling. You're suffocating me.
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390. We just met.
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391. And it was nice while it lasted,
but it's over.
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392. Let's not drag this out.
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393. Dad, I'm no expert on this,
but was I just dumped?
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394. Yes, son.
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395. Welcome to the battle of the sexes.
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396. Where they sneak up on you
when you're most vulnerable,
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397. utterly humiliate you,
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398. then leave you trembling,
exposed and naked.
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399. Yeah, okay, but—
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400. Dumped or not, did I get to first base?
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401. Well, yes.
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402. All right!
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403. Mr. Sheffield!
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404. Was there a paper this morning?
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405. Yeah. You read it at breakfast.
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406. Oh, yes.
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407. Mr. Sheffield, I have to see you a sec.
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408. Oh, I think you've seen quite enough.
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409. Mr. Sheffield, it's important.
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410. All right, but please,
I beg of you, just get to the point.
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411. No more long stories
about your high school, family, pets.
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412. Okay, okay,
I'll just stick to the bare facts.
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413. I'm sorry. I mean, it's no big thing.
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414. Oy.
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415. This isn't going well.
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416. Let me just cut to the chase.
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417. Yeah. That's okay.
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418. I'm sorry I walked in on you,
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419. but you have nothing to be ashamed of.
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420. Didn't you say the human body
is a beautiful thing?
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421. Oh, now, Miss Fine, you can't go comparing
me looking at these girls
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422. for an audition with you walking in on me
in the shower.
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423. It's— It's entirely different.
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424. Yeah. I'm not selling tickets.
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425. Although plenty of women
would pay through the nose.
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426. Miss Fine!
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427. I'm just kidding.
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428. I didn't see anything,
except for your double standard.
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429. My double what?
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430. Your double standard.
You have one set of rules for boys
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431. and then a whole repressed
Rapunzel thing happening for the girls.
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432. Are we back on this blasted party?
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433. Look, all I'm saying is that
you need to trust Maggie
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434. as much as Brighton,
and knowing Brighton, even more so.
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435. I trust Maggie.
It's the boys I don't trust.
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436. Well, Maggie has to learn
to handle 14-year-old boys,
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437. so when she grows up, she can
know how to handle full-grown men.
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438. Who, when you think about it,
are a lot like 14-year-old boys.
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439. Oh, you have a very good point.
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440. How annoying.
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441. All right, she can go,
but she has to be back by ten.
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442. Ten o'clock?
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443. is a good time to have a good time,
but not too good.
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444. Fine. Thank you, thank you.
Now back to work.
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445. Mr. Sheffield, are you ever
gonna look me in the eye again?
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446. I am looking you in the eye.
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447. Look, Miss Fine, surely you can understand
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448. this whole episode has been
a little embarrassing for me.
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449. Oh, don't be silly.
It all happened so fast.
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450. - I didn't see anything.
- Good.
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451. You have nothing
to be embarrassed about...
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452. believe me.
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453. But wait, there's more!
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454. You know, men can't be rushed.
They're like chickens.
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455. You cook them too fast, they get—
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456. Men can't be rushed.
They're like chickens.
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457. You cook them too fast,
and they get tough.
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458. Whereas, if you let them simmer...
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459. Honey, I told you, I'm working on it.
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460. Okay, one more time, I got it.
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