1. Niles, this steak
is a little tough.Copy !req
2. So is life.Copy !req
3. And then you die.Copy !req
4. Okay, what do you think?Copy !req
5. This one itches,
but I look taller.Copy !req
6. This one pinches,
but I look thinner.Copy !req
7. Have you ever considered
choosing a wardrobeCopy !req
8. based on comfort?Copy !req
9. No.Copy !req
10. Once you start
dressing for comfort,Copy !req
11. the next thing you know,
you're on line at PathmarkCopy !req
12. wearing orthopedic shoes,
buying Nair.Copy !req
13. It is just a PTA meeting.Copy !req
14. Yeah, well, meanwhile,
some of those P's and T'sCopy !req
15. could be lonely he's.Copy !req
16. You've certainly
got the 'A' for it.Copy !req
17. Meanwhile, I don't want
to embarrass Gracie.Copy !req
18. You could never embarrass me.Copy !req
19. Aw.Copy !req
20. Except that time
at the playgroundCopy !req
21. you screamed at Bobby Mitchell
for hogging a swing.Copy !req
22. Well, it was my turn.Copy !req
23. What do you think, Mags?Copy !req
24. Go with the black.Copy !req
25. Smaller price tags
are easier to hide,Copy !req
26. and you can still return it.Copy !req
27. Very good!Copy !req
28. Oh, at this age,
they're like a sponge.Copy !req
29. And she's got almost
as much personality.Copy !req
30. Oh, look.Copy !req
31. The PTA is planning
their big pageant.Copy !req
32. Isn't that right up your alley?Copy !req
33. I produce plays for a living.Copy !req
34. Why on earth would I want to do
that in my spare time?Copy !req
35. Well, because Grace
is gonna be in it.Copy !req
36. - She is?
- I am?Copy !req
37. You are.Copy !req
38. Come on, it'll be fun.Copy !req
39. You'll get to play
with all the other children,Copy !req
40. wear make-up, costumes.Copy !req
41. Besides, it's a great way
to get guys.Copy !req
42. What do I do with them
when I get them?Copy !req
43. Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.Copy !req
44. Grace performing in public?Copy !req
45. Yeah. What's the matter?Copy !req
46. Well, for one thing,
she's in therapy twice a weekCopy !req
47. for being insecure
and introverted.Copy !req
48. So is Barbra Streisand,
but meanwhile,Copy !req
49. she's getting
a thousand bucks a ticket,Copy !req
50. and that's without a beverage.Copy !req
51. Liza, we got prime rib.Copy !req
52. Oh, I'm just thrilled
about this school.Copy !req
53. Wasn't it sweet,
the way they hungCopy !req
54. all the arts and crafts
out in the hall?Copy !req
55. I tell you, that Pablo
is a very talented kid.Copy !req
56. Miss Fine, that was a Picasso.Copy !req
57. An adult did those?Copy !req
58. Eh.Copy !req
59. Oh, don't look now,
but we are making quite a stir.Copy !req
60. Guess I wore the right outfit.Copy !req
61. Miss Fine,
they're looking at me.Copy !req
62. They think just because
I'm a Broadway producerCopy !req
63. and I'm at this meeting,
they're gonna rope meCopy !req
64. - into staging the pageant.
- Oh.Copy !req
65. - Uh-oh, here it comes.
- Oh, boy.Copy !req
66. I love your outfit.Copy !req
67. Oh.Copy !req
68. Everybody's talking about it.Copy !req
69. Oh, thank you.Copy !req
70. Mr. Sheffield, what a surprise!Copy !req
71. - Oh.
- I know how busy you are.Copy !req
72. Night and day, like a dog.Copy !req
73. But never too busy
for his kids.Copy !req
74. And you are?Copy !req
75. This is our nanny,
Miss Fran Fine.Copy !req
76. This is Miss Emma Trusdale,
Lexington's headmistress.Copy !req
77. Oh, headmistress, huh?Copy !req
78. Honey, you're living
in a dream world.Copy !req
79. No matter what they say,
they never leave their wives.Copy !req
80. We're about to begin,
Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
81. Why don't you just
have a seat hereCopy !req
82. - on the front row, next to me?Copy !req
83. Hmm, teacher's pet, huh?Copy !req
84. Attention, everyone!Copy !req
85. In a wonderful coincidence,Copy !req
86. we are here to discuss
this year's school pageant,Copy !req
87. and we have amongst usCopy !req
88. the esteemed Broadway producer,
Maxwell Sheffield.Copy !req
89. I'm your greatest fan.Copy !req
90. That shade of lipstick
looks great on your butt.Copy !req
91. Miss Fine, would you care
to share that with everyone?Copy !req
92. No, Miss Trusdale.Copy !req
93. And now,
to the business at hand.Copy !req
94. We need a volunteer
to serve as directorCopy !req
95. for this year's pageant,
Mother Goose's Broadway.Copy !req
96. Here it comes.Copy !req
97. Well, it wouldn't hurt you
to get involved.Copy !req
98. Perhaps Mr. Sheffield can...Copy !req
99. Suggest someone?Copy !req
100. Oh yes,
I'd be delighted to.Copy !req
101. I'd like to suggest
Miss Fran Fine.Copy !req
102. - Oh, me?Copy !req
103. Her?Copy !req
104. Oh, I don't know
anything about theater.Copy !req
105. Well, remarkably,
that's never stopped you
from doing anything.Copy !req
106. Well, I did play HodelCopy !req
107. in the third grade
production of Fiddler.Copy !req
108. No, no.
If Mr. Sheffield is busy,Copy !req
109. I'm sure one
of the other parentsCopy !req
110. is eager to volunteer
for this exciting challenge.Copy !req
111. The Flushing Observer said,Copy !req
112. "Fran Fine was a standout
as Tevye's lost,Copy !req
113. but heavily made-up daughter."Copy !req
114. Anyone at all,
just raise your hand.Copy !req
115. The time to raise your hand
would be now.Copy !req
116. How about you, Miss Fine?Copy !req
117. Oh, Miss Trusdale, I accept.Copy !req
118. And I just wanna thank you all
for your confidence in me.Copy !req
119. I only hope I can live up
to your expec...Copy !req
120. - Moving on!Copy !req
121. tations.Copy !req
122. Hey, hey, hey, no running.Copy !req
123. You could poke
somebody's eye out.Copy !req
124. Oh, I just gave
my first piece of direction.Copy !req
125. - Hmm, and I was there.Copy !req
126. Mommy, I'm hungry.Copy !req
127. You ate yesterday!Copy !req
128. Fat girls don't get leads.Copy !req
129. Good God.Copy !req
130. I just had a horrible flashback
to those Annie 2 auditions.Copy !req
131. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh.Copy !req
132. Back!Copy !req
133. Back.Copy !req
134. Keep moving, Maxwell.Copy !req
135. They're small,Copy !req
136. but they're dangerous
when they swarm.Copy !req
137. Okay, everybody, I want
my dancing daisies over here,Copy !req
138. my singing mushrooms
over there.Copy !req
139. Daisies, mushrooms.Copy !req
140. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You, you, you.Copy !req
141. You're not a flower,
you're a fungus.Copy !req
142. - Miss Fine, where's
the sign-up sheet?
- The what?Copy !req
143. Well, you really ought to have
a sign-up sheet.Copy !req
144. Oh, it isn't necessary.
This is just a kid's play.Copy !req
145. What do we do with our music?Copy !req
146. Oh, give it to the accompanist.Copy !req
147. You do have an accompanist?Copy !req
148. Oh, yes, yes, of course we do.Copy !req
149. Uh, Maggie, get off the phoneCopy !req
150. - and go sit at the piano.
- Okay.Copy !req
151. Hey, big guy.Copy !req
152. Excuse me?Copy !req
153. I hear you're close
to the director.Copy !req
154. Fran? Oh, she works for us.Copy !req
155. Gee, I'd do anything
to play the lead.Copy !req
156. And I do mean anything.Copy !req
157. Does your mother
know you're saying this?Copy !req
158. Oh, yeah.
She wrote it down for me. See?Copy !req
159. And now,
I'm supposed to kiss you.Copy !req
160. Sing, Bernard.Copy !req
161. Sing, Bernard!Copy !req
162. Sing!Copy !req
163. That's okay, Bernard.Copy !req
164. That's okay.Copy !req
165. We'll make you a mushroom.Copy !req
166. Shiitake.Copy !req
167. Okay, next,
we're going to auditionCopy !req
168. for the first grade number.Copy !req
169. Now, this scene opens up
the whole pageant.Copy !req
170. Gracie, you're on.Copy !req
171. Sing it, Gracie.Copy !req
172. One more time.Copy !req
173. Bring it home!Copy !req
174. - Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!Copy !req
175. My darling.
Wasn't she wonderful?Copy !req
176. Mmm!Copy !req
177. - We're next.
- Oh.Copy !req
178. Come on, dear.Copy !req
179. Now, stand right here, sweetheart.Copy !req
180. Smile. All right.Copy !req
181. And one, and two, and three...Copy !req
182. Tempo!Copy !req
183. - Thank you.Copy !req
184. Thank you!Copy !req
185. Thank you, that was very nice.
Sit down, honey.Copy !req
186. Well, I don't even think
there's a question, do you?Copy !req
187. - No.
- It's Gracie, by a mile.Copy !req
188. Miss Fine, how could you
possibly make that choice?Copy !req
189. This other girl was phenomenal.Copy !req
190. Well, what do I care
about that little girl?
Am I her nanny?Copy !req
191. No, you're the director,Copy !req
192. and you're supposed
to cast actorsCopy !req
193. according to talent,
not on who they know.Copy !req
194. What show business
are you working in?Copy !req
195. Besides, look at Gracie.Copy !req
196. She's already
so confident and outgoing.Copy !req
197. Have you ever
seen her so happy?Copy !req
198. Daddy, I got the part!Copy !req
199. They like me.
They really like me.Copy !req
200. Aw.Copy !req
201. I suppose
it was the right choice.Copy !req
202. - I'll work with her.
- Sure.Copy !req
203. And touch, and step,
and touch, and step,Copy !req
204. and turn, turn, turn,Copy !req
205. cross and squat.Copy !req
206. Very, very good.Copy !req
207. Now, help Miss Fine up.Copy !req
208. Thank you.Copy !req
209. Meanwhile, these pantyhose
have a life of their own.Copy !req
210. Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
211. You've decided to help,
after all.Copy !req
212. - What a relief.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
213. I'm not here
to direct the show.Copy !req
214. I'm just here to support
my little girl.Copy !req
215. Oh.Copy !req
216. - Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.
- Hi, Daddy.Copy !req
217. Hello. How's it going?Copy !req
218. Oh, fabulous.Copy !req
219. The kids are having
a great time.Copy !req
220. Stanley, stop biting my leg.Copy !req
221. What did you think
of the number?Copy !req
222. Well, why are...Copy !req
223. Why are they all wearing
paper bags on their heads?Copy !req
224. - They're mushroom caps.
- Ah.Copy !req
225. Who did the wardrobe, A&P?Copy !req
226. Maybe.Copy !req
227. I had a choice
of paper or plastic.Copy !req
228. But, you know,
they tend to discourageCopy !req
229. plastic bags on kids' heads.Copy !req
230. Well...Copy !req
231. I suppose it'll all come
together once the set's up.Copy !req
232. The set is up.Copy !req
233. Hmm.Copy !req
234. You know, not to discourage
your input here,Copy !req
235. but, uh, well,
I kinda have a vision going.Copy !req
236. Perhaps Mr. Sheffield could
just fine-tune the costumes.Copy !req
237. And the scenery.Copy !req
238. And the lights.Copy !req
239. Maybe tell the actors
where to stand.Copy !req
240. And how to deliver their lines.Copy !req
241. I'm not an expert
on theatrical terminology,Copy !req
242. but, uh, wouldn't that
be considered directing?Copy !req
243. All right, if you insist.Copy !req
244. Gracie, honey,
Daddy's going to direct.Copy !req
245. Whoo-hoo. Aren't you
forgetting just one thing?Copy !req
246. Oh, all right,
I'll do the choreography, too.Copy !req
247. - Well, what about Fran?
- Yeah, what about Fran?Copy !req
248. - You could be the producer.
- That's right.Copy !req
249. - Congratulations!
- Congratulations.Copy !req
250. Now, Miss Trusdale,
I see a follow spotCopy !req
251. and a lone French horn.Copy !req
252. - Just wailing out.
- Yes. Yes.Copy !req
253. Shouldn't the producer
be in on this?Copy !req
254. We'll do lunch.Copy !req
255. Thank you.Copy !req
256. - Thank...Copy !req
257. Andrea, love,
you're not blending in.Copy !req
258. You're upstaging everyone.Copy !req
259. My mother says
my voice is a gift.Copy !req
260. Well, return it.Copy !req
261. Uh, wait, second flower,
where are you going?Copy !req
262. - Get back in line.
- She has to make.Copy !req
263. She has to make what?Copy !req
264. A doody.Copy !req
265. Very well, carry on.Copy !req
266. Grace, sweetheart,Copy !req
267. you're not relating
to your lamb.Copy !req
268. You see, you have
to listen to the lyrics.Copy !req
269. The lamb follows you
everywhere you go.Copy !req
270. You're very attached to it.Copy !req
271. I don't get it.Copy !req
272. The lamb's codependent.Copy !req
273. Oh.Copy !req
274. All right, once more,
from the top.Copy !req
275. This time, just Grace.Copy !req
276. We're forgetting everything.Copy !req
277. All right,
we'll work on it later.Copy !req
278. Go on, take five.Copy !req
279. Not you, Grace. You better work
on your time step.Copy !req
280. - Oh, these amateurs.Copy !req
281. Where are all the great
child actors when you need 'em?Copy !req
282. Robbing 7-Elevens.Copy !req
283. Careful, Gracie,
wouldn't wanna fall off
the stage.Copy !req
284. Andrea, got a cookie. Fetch!Copy !req
285. It was more fun
when you were directing.Copy !req
286. I know. Can I get you anything?Copy !req
287. Juice, and beep my therapist.Copy !req
288. Oh, she's been
tapping for hours.Copy !req
289. I'll tell you, it's a crime.Copy !req
290. I'll say.
I just waxed the floor.Copy !req
291. She's like
the Energizer rabbit.Copy !req
292. She just keeps going and going.Copy !req
293. The vacuum cleaner
is destroyed.Copy !req
294. Hoover doesn't make
a gummy bear attachment.Copy !req
295. Nothing that she does
is good enough.Copy !req
296. What is the matter
with that man?Copy !req
297. Doesn't he believe in nepotism?Copy !req
298. I mean, where would
Lorna Luft be today?Copy !req
299. Did you ever try to get
Bazooka out of brocade?Copy !req
300. - Wait a minute, what's that?Copy !req
301. I believe it's Morse Code.Copy !req
302. - S... O... S.Copy !req
303. She needs my help.Copy !req
304. - I gotta talk to Mr. Sheffield.
- Hmm.Copy !req
305. I don't know what you're doing.Copy !req
306. An ice cube will lift
that gum right up.Copy !req
307. Of course, I've always
wanted to direct as well.Copy !req
308. And I find
the children's theater genreCopy !req
309. absolutely fascinating.Copy !req
310. How do you spell "genre"?Copy !req
311. Mr. Sheffield, can I have
a word with you, please?Copy !req
312. I'm in the middle
of an interview, Miss Fine.Copy !req
313. Oh. Take your time.Copy !req
314. Could you give us
a minute, please?Copy !req
315. Okay.
But don't keep me waiting.Copy !req
316. I'm also the reviewer.Copy !req
317. Make sure, on show night,
we have plenty of cookiesCopy !req
318. backstage for the press.Copy !req
319. Mr. Sheffield,Copy !req
320. aren't you taking this
a little too seriously?Copy !req
321. Absolutely not.Copy !req
322. Excuse me, sir.
Andrew Lloyd Webber phoned.Copy !req
323. You have the Phantom Orchestra.Copy !req
324. Yes!Copy !req
325. Well, you're the one
who wanted me to get involved.Copy !req
326. Yes, I know.Copy !req
327. But you're working
these kids entirely too hard.Copy !req
328. Especially Gracie.Copy !req
329. Oh, my father pushed me
and look where I am today.Copy !req
330. Three thousand miles
and an ocean away.Copy !req
331. I'm telling you,
you're turning herCopy !req
332. into a regular
Lenny Scheinbaum.Copy !req
333. Miss Fine, please, spare me.Copy !req
334. All right.Copy !req
335. Okay. Who's Lenny Scheinbaum?Copy !req
336. His father made him so nervousCopy !req
337. about taking over
the family business,Copy !req
338. that he started pulling
his hair out of his headCopy !req
339. and was bald
by the time he was 15.Copy !req
340. Although, he did become CEOCopy !req
341. for the largest linoleum chain
in the tri-state area.Copy !req
342. Did I mention
he was interested in me?Copy !req
343. See, I knew
I shouldn't have asked.Copy !req
344. I'm giving you pearls here.Copy !req
345. I'm telling you,
if you don't stop pushing her,Copy !req
346. Gracie's gonna grow up
to resent her father.Copy !req
347. Nonsense.Copy !req
348. Oh, that's what
Lenny's father thought,Copy !req
349. until Lenny shipped him offCopy !req
350. to the Lincoln Tunnel
Retirement Home, Jersey view.Copy !req
351. Well, unlike
the ingrate Scheinbaum,Copy !req
352. Grace appreciates that I just
want her to be the best.Copy !req
353. You know, this was supposed
to be a fun experience,Copy !req
354. but instead, she's upstairs,
tapping her brains outCopy !req
355. like some kind
of a deranged Ann Miller.Copy !req
356. That's redundant.Copy !req
357. Miss Fine, you're overreacting.Copy !req
358. And I suppose this
doesn't have anything to doCopy !req
359. with my replacing you
as director.Copy !req
360. Oh, well,
if that isn't the mostCopy !req
361. insulting, petty thing
I ever heard.Copy !req
362. Besides, I wasn't replaced.Copy !req
363. I was promoted to producer.Copy !req
364. Sucker.Copy !req
365. Mr. Sheffield, can the producer
fire the director?Copy !req
366. Yes.Copy !req
367. Oh?Copy !req
368. As easily as the father
can fire the nanny.Copy !req
369. Oh.Copy !req
370. Are you the usher?Copy !req
371. No, I'm the producer.Copy !req
372. Let me see your tickets.Copy !req
373. Lady, will you wipe my nose?Copy !req
374. No.Copy !req
375. Don't you have any parents?Copy !req
376. Yeah, but they're busy.Copy !req
377. J.B. Bingington,
the investment banker,Copy !req
378. is your father?Copy !req
379. Yes.Copy !req
380. Blow.Copy !req
381. I can't believe
Dad made us come.Copy !req
382. This is gonna be so lame.Copy !req
383. Now, children, this is
your sister's big night.Copy !req
384. I think we should
all support her.Copy !req
385. - I brought cards.
- I'll deal.Copy !req
386. Miss Fine?Copy !req
387. Uh, we...Copy !req
388. We have a bit of a crisis.Copy !req
389. Grace is refusing to go on.Copy !req
390. I, uh, I think
it's stage fright.Copy !req
391. Oh, well, I wonder why.Copy !req
392. You've made the stage
such a warm and loving place.Copy !req
393. Well, I need your help.
You need to speak with her.Copy !req
394. Me? Talk to the actors?Copy !req
395. Why, isn't that
the director's job?Copy !req
396. What? What? What?Copy !req
397. You want me
to admit I was wrong.Copy !req
398. Oh, you think I'm that small?Copy !req
399. - Turns out I am.Copy !req
400. Fine. I was wrong.Copy !req
401. I'll hang myself later.Copy !req
402. Look, all I wanted
was for GraceCopy !req
403. to go out on that stage
and have everyone love her.Copy !req
404. Honey, she doesn't care
if everyone loves her.Copy !req
405. All she cares
is if you love her.Copy !req
406. I'm turning into
Lenny Scheinbaum's father.Copy !req
407. Worse. My own.Copy !req
408. I swore I'd never be like him.Copy !req
409. Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
410. I, myself,
have to fight the urgeCopy !req
411. to wash out gefilte fish jars
and use them as glasses.Copy !req
412. Hmm.Copy !req
413. She's in here.Copy !req
414. Um, Gracie, honey.Copy !req
415. - Aw.
- I can't work with that man.Copy !req
416. Oh.Copy !req
417. Grace...Copy !req
418. Sweetheart, I'm sorry
I was such an ogre.Copy !req
419. I didn't mean
to push you so hard.Copy !req
420. Look, you're more important
to me than any silly play.Copy !req
421. I'm so proud of you,
whether you go on or not.Copy !req
422. - Thank you, Daddy.Copy !req
423. 'Cause I really
don't want to go on.Copy !req
424. Are you insane?Copy !req
425. The house is full.
We've got a critic out there.Copy !req
426. The whole show
rests on your shoulders.Copy !req
427. Paging Mr. Scheinbaum.Copy !req
428. Sorry. Wrong again.Copy !req
429. Oh, sweetheart.Copy !req
430. It's just that you've worked
so hard at this showCopy !req
431. and I really think
you could be brilliant.Copy !req
432. I'm sorry, Daddy. I just can't.Copy !req
433. - Miss Fine?
- Yeah?Copy !req
434. The one time
I'd like you to butt in.Copy !req
435. Hey, I'm with her.
Who needs it?Copy !req
436. All those people
looking at you,Copy !req
437. all the lights in your eye.Copy !req
438. Ugh. The whole thing's
a turn-off.Copy !req
439. Thank you, Miss Fine.Copy !req
440. You know what, honey?
Don't worry.Copy !req
441. The show will go on.Copy !req
442. Andrea knows all of your lines.Copy !req
443. She will take your place.Copy !req
444. Over my dead body.Copy !req
445. Hold the curtains!Copy !req
446. Make-up!Copy !req
447. That's why they call me
the producer.Copy !req
448. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
449. welcome to
the Lexington Academy's
annual pageant.Copy !req
450. A Maxwell Sheffield Production.Copy !req
451. My God,
she has got something,
hasn't she?Copy !req
452. Yeah.Copy !req
453. Guts.Copy !req
454. Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
the reviews are in.Copy !req
455. Oh, let me see, let me see.
What do they say?Copy !req
456. Well, they loved Gracie,
and they saidCopy !req
457. the programs were
neatly folded. That was me.Copy !req
458. Yeah, yeah.
What did they say
about the production?Copy !req
459. Oh,
"Not since Hudson HawkCopy !req
460. has there been such a...Copy !req
461. over-produced under-directed
piece of dreck."Copy !req
462. Hack.Copy !req
463. Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Sheffield.Copy !req
464. Next year,
you could fold the programs.Copy !req