1. Niles, this steak
is a little tough.
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2. So is life.
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3. And then you die.
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4. Okay, what do you think?
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5. This one itches,
but I look taller.
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6. This one pinches,
but I look thinner.
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7. Have you ever considered
choosing a wardrobe
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8. based on comfort?
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9. No.
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10. Once you start
dressing for comfort,
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11. the next thing you know,
you're on line at Pathmark
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12. wearing orthopedic shoes,
buying Nair.
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13. It is just a PTA meeting.
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14. Yeah, well, meanwhile,
some of those P's and T's
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15. could be lonely he's.
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16. You've certainly
got the 'A' for it.
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17. Meanwhile, I don't want
to embarrass Gracie.
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18. You could never embarrass me.
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19. Aw.
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20. Except that time
at the playground
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21. you screamed at Bobby Mitchell
for hogging a swing.
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22. Well, it was my turn.
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23. What do you think, Mags?
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24. Go with the black.
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25. Smaller price tags
are easier to hide,
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26. and you can still return it.
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27. Very good!
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28. Oh, at this age,
they're like a sponge.
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29. And she's got almost
as much personality.
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30. Oh, look.
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31. The PTA is planning
their big pageant.
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32. Isn't that right up your alley?
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33. I produce plays for a living.
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34. Why on earth would I want to do
that in my spare time?
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35. Well, because Grace
is gonna be in it.
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36. - She is?
- I am?
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37. You are.
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38. Come on, it'll be fun.
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39. You'll get to play
with all the other children,
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40. wear make-up, costumes.
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41. Besides, it's a great way
to get guys.
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42. What do I do with them
when I get them?
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43. Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
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44. Grace performing in public?
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45. Yeah. What's the matter?
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46. Well, for one thing,
she's in therapy twice a week
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47. for being insecure
and introverted.
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48. So is Barbra Streisand,
but meanwhile,
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49. she's getting
a thousand bucks a ticket,
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50. and that's without a beverage.
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51. Liza, we got prime rib.
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52. Oh, I'm just thrilled
about this school.
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53. Wasn't it sweet,
the way they hung
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54. all the arts and crafts
out in the hall?
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55. I tell you, that Pablo
is a very talented kid.
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56. Miss Fine, that was a Picasso.
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57. An adult did those?
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58. Eh.
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59. Oh, don't look now,
but we are making quite a stir.
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60. Guess I wore the right outfit.
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61. Miss Fine,
they're looking at me.
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62. They think just because
I'm a Broadway producer
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63. and I'm at this meeting,
they're gonna rope me
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64. - into staging the pageant.
- Oh.
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65. - Uh-oh, here it comes.
- Oh, boy.
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66. I love your outfit.
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67. Oh.
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68. Everybody's talking about it.
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69. Oh, thank you.
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70. Mr. Sheffield, what a surprise!
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71. - Oh.
- I know how busy you are.
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72. Night and day, like a dog.
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73. But never too busy
for his kids.
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74. And you are?
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75. This is our nanny,
Miss Fran Fine.
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76. This is Miss Emma Trusdale,
Lexington's headmistress.
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77. Oh, headmistress, huh?
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78. Honey, you're living
in a dream world.
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79. No matter what they say,
they never leave their wives.
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80. We're about to begin,
Mr. Sheffield.
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81. Why don't you just
have a seat here
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82. - on the front row, next to me?
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83. Hmm, teacher's pet, huh?
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84. Attention, everyone!
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85. In a wonderful coincidence,
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86. we are here to discuss
this year's school pageant,
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87. and we have amongst us
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88. the esteemed Broadway producer,
Maxwell Sheffield.
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89. I'm your greatest fan.
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90. That shade of lipstick
looks great on your butt.
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91. Miss Fine, would you care
to share that with everyone?
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92. No, Miss Trusdale.
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93. And now,
to the business at hand.
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94. We need a volunteer
to serve as director
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95. for this year's pageant,
Mother Goose's Broadway.
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96. Here it comes.
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97. Well, it wouldn't hurt you
to get involved.
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98. Perhaps Mr. Sheffield can...
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99. Suggest someone?
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100. Oh yes,
I'd be delighted to.
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101. I'd like to suggest
Miss Fran Fine.
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102. - Oh, me?
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103. Her?
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104. Oh, I don't know
anything about theater.
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105. Well, remarkably,
that's never stopped you
from doing anything.
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106. Well, I did play Hodel
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107. in the third grade
production of Fiddler.
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108. No, no.
If Mr. Sheffield is busy,
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109. I'm sure one
of the other parents
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110. is eager to volunteer
for this exciting challenge.
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111. The Flushing Observer said,
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112. "Fran Fine was a standout
as Tevye's lost,
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113. but heavily made-up daughter."
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114. Anyone at all,
just raise your hand.
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115. The time to raise your hand
would be now.
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116. How about you, Miss Fine?
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117. Oh, Miss Trusdale, I accept.
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118. And I just wanna thank you all
for your confidence in me.
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119. I only hope I can live up
to your expec...
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120. - Moving on!
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121. tations.
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122. Hey, hey, hey, no running.
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123. You could poke
somebody's eye out.
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124. Oh, I just gave
my first piece of direction.
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125. - Hmm, and I was there.
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126. Mommy, I'm hungry.
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127. You ate yesterday!
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128. Fat girls don't get leads.
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129. Good God.
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130. I just had a horrible flashback
to those Annie 2 auditions.
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131. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh.
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132. Back!
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133. Back.
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134. Keep moving, Maxwell.
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135. They're small,
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136. but they're dangerous
when they swarm.
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137. Okay, everybody, I want
my dancing daisies over here,
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138. my singing mushrooms
over there.
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139. Daisies, mushrooms.
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140. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You, you, you.
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141. You're not a flower,
you're a fungus.
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142. - Miss Fine, where's
the sign-up sheet?
- The what?
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143. Well, you really ought to have
a sign-up sheet.
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144. Oh, it isn't necessary.
This is just a kid's play.
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145. What do we do with our music?
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146. Oh, give it to the accompanist.
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147. You do have an accompanist?
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148. Oh, yes, yes, of course we do.
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149. Uh, Maggie, get off the phone
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150. - and go sit at the piano.
- Okay.
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151. Hey, big guy.
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152. Excuse me?
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153. I hear you're close
to the director.
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154. Fran? Oh, she works for us.
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155. Gee, I'd do anything
to play the lead.
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156. And I do mean anything.
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157. Does your mother
know you're saying this?
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158. Oh, yeah.
She wrote it down for me. See?
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159. And now,
I'm supposed to kiss you.
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160. Sing, Bernard.
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161. Sing, Bernard!
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162. Sing!
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163. That's okay, Bernard.
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164. That's okay.
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165. We'll make you a mushroom.
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166. Shiitake.
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167. Okay, next,
we're going to audition
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168. for the first grade number.
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169. Now, this scene opens up
the whole pageant.
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170. Gracie, you're on.
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171. Sing it, Gracie.
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172. One more time.
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173. Bring it home!
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174. - Oh, wonderful! Wonderful!
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175. My darling.
Wasn't she wonderful?
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176. Mmm!
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177. - We're next.
- Oh.
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178. Come on, dear.
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179. Now, stand right here, sweetheart.
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180. Smile. All right.
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181. And one, and two, and three...
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182. Tempo!
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183. - Thank you.
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184. Thank you!
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185. Thank you, that was very nice.
Sit down, honey.
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186. Well, I don't even think
there's a question, do you?
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187. - No.
- It's Gracie, by a mile.
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188. Miss Fine, how could you
possibly make that choice?
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189. This other girl was phenomenal.
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190. Well, what do I care
about that little girl?
Am I her nanny?
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191. No, you're the director,
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192. and you're supposed
to cast actors
Copy !req
193. according to talent,
not on who they know.
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194. What show business
are you working in?
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195. Besides, look at Gracie.
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196. She's already
so confident and outgoing.
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197. Have you ever
seen her so happy?
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198. Daddy, I got the part!
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199. They like me.
They really like me.
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200. Aw.
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201. I suppose
it was the right choice.
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202. - I'll work with her.
- Sure.
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203. And touch, and step,
and touch, and step,
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204. and turn, turn, turn,
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205. cross and squat.
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206. Very, very good.
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207. Now, help Miss Fine up.
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208. Thank you.
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209. Meanwhile, these pantyhose
have a life of their own.
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210. Mr. Sheffield.
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211. You've decided to help,
after all.
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212. - What a relief.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
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213. I'm not here
to direct the show.
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214. I'm just here to support
my little girl.
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215. Oh.
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216. - Oh, hi, Mr. Sheffield.
- Hi, Daddy.
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217. Hello. How's it going?
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218. Oh, fabulous.
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219. The kids are having
a great time.
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220. Stanley, stop biting my leg.
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221. What did you think
of the number?
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222. Well, why are...
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223. Why are they all wearing
paper bags on their heads?
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224. - They're mushroom caps.
- Ah.
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225. Who did the wardrobe, A&P?
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226. Maybe.
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227. I had a choice
of paper or plastic.
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228. But, you know,
they tend to discourage
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229. plastic bags on kids' heads.
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230. Well...
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231. I suppose it'll all come
together once the set's up.
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232. The set is up.
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233. Hmm.
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234. You know, not to discourage
your input here,
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235. but, uh, well,
I kinda have a vision going.
Copy !req
236. Perhaps Mr. Sheffield could
just fine-tune the costumes.
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237. And the scenery.
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238. And the lights.
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239. Maybe tell the actors
where to stand.
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240. And how to deliver their lines.
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241. I'm not an expert
on theatrical terminology,
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242. but, uh, wouldn't that
be considered directing?
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243. All right, if you insist.
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244. Gracie, honey,
Daddy's going to direct.
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245. Whoo-hoo. Aren't you
forgetting just one thing?
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246. Oh, all right,
I'll do the choreography, too.
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247. - Well, what about Fran?
- Yeah, what about Fran?
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248. - You could be the producer.
- That's right.
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249. - Congratulations!
- Congratulations.
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250. Now, Miss Trusdale,
I see a follow spot
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251. and a lone French horn.
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252. - Just wailing out.
- Yes. Yes.
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253. Shouldn't the producer
be in on this?
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254. We'll do lunch.
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255. Thank you.
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256. - Thank...
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257. Andrea, love,
you're not blending in.
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258. You're upstaging everyone.
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259. My mother says
my voice is a gift.
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260. Well, return it.
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261. Uh, wait, second flower,
where are you going?
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262. - Get back in line.
- She has to make.
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263. She has to make what?
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264. A doody.
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265. Very well, carry on.
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266. Grace, sweetheart,
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267. you're not relating
to your lamb.
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268. You see, you have
to listen to the lyrics.
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269. The lamb follows you
everywhere you go.
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270. You're very attached to it.
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271. I don't get it.
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272. The lamb's codependent.
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273. Oh.
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274. All right, once more,
from the top.
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275. This time, just Grace.
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276. We're forgetting everything.
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277. All right,
we'll work on it later.
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278. Go on, take five.
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279. Not you, Grace. You better work
on your time step.
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280. - Oh, these amateurs.
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281. Where are all the great
child actors when you need 'em?
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282. Robbing 7-Elevens.
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283. Careful, Gracie,
wouldn't wanna fall off
the stage.
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284. Andrea, got a cookie. Fetch!
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285. It was more fun
when you were directing.
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286. I know. Can I get you anything?
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287. Juice, and beep my therapist.
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288. Oh, she's been
tapping for hours.
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289. I'll tell you, it's a crime.
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290. I'll say.
I just waxed the floor.
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291. She's like
the Energizer rabbit.
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292. She just keeps going and going.
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293. The vacuum cleaner
is destroyed.
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294. Hoover doesn't make
a gummy bear attachment.
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295. Nothing that she does
is good enough.
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296. What is the matter
with that man?
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297. Doesn't he believe in nepotism?
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298. I mean, where would
Lorna Luft be today?
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299. Did you ever try to get
Bazooka out of brocade?
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300. - Wait a minute, what's that?
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301. I believe it's Morse Code.
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302. - S... O... S.
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303. She needs my help.
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304. - I gotta talk to Mr. Sheffield.
- Hmm.
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305. I don't know what you're doing.
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306. An ice cube will lift
that gum right up.
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307. Of course, I've always
wanted to direct as well.
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308. And I find
the children's theater genre
Copy !req
309. absolutely fascinating.
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310. How do you spell "genre"?
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311. Mr. Sheffield, can I have
a word with you, please?
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312. I'm in the middle
of an interview, Miss Fine.
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313. Oh. Take your time.
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314. Could you give us
a minute, please?
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315. Okay.
But don't keep me waiting.
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316. I'm also the reviewer.
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317. Make sure, on show night,
we have plenty of cookies
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318. backstage for the press.
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319. Mr. Sheffield,
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320. aren't you taking this
a little too seriously?
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321. Absolutely not.
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322. Excuse me, sir.
Andrew Lloyd Webber phoned.
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323. You have the Phantom Orchestra.
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324. Yes!
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325. Well, you're the one
who wanted me to get involved.
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326. Yes, I know.
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327. But you're working
these kids entirely too hard.
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328. Especially Gracie.
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329. Oh, my father pushed me
and look where I am today.
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330. Three thousand miles
and an ocean away.
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331. I'm telling you,
you're turning her
Copy !req
332. into a regular
Lenny Scheinbaum.
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333. Miss Fine, please, spare me.
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334. All right.
Copy !req
335. Okay. Who's Lenny Scheinbaum?
Copy !req
336. His father made him so nervous
Copy !req
337. about taking over
the family business,
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338. that he started pulling
his hair out of his head
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339. and was bald
by the time he was 15.
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340. Although, he did become CEO
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341. for the largest linoleum chain
in the tri-state area.
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342. Did I mention
he was interested in me?
Copy !req
343. See, I knew
I shouldn't have asked.
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344. I'm giving you pearls here.
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345. I'm telling you,
if you don't stop pushing her,
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346. Gracie's gonna grow up
to resent her father.
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347. Nonsense.
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348. Oh, that's what
Lenny's father thought,
Copy !req
349. until Lenny shipped him off
Copy !req
350. to the Lincoln Tunnel
Retirement Home, Jersey view.
Copy !req
351. Well, unlike
the ingrate Scheinbaum,
Copy !req
352. Grace appreciates that I just
want her to be the best.
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353. You know, this was supposed
to be a fun experience,
Copy !req
354. but instead, she's upstairs,
tapping her brains out
Copy !req
355. like some kind
of a deranged Ann Miller.
Copy !req
356. That's redundant.
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357. Miss Fine, you're overreacting.
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358. And I suppose this
doesn't have anything to do
Copy !req
359. with my replacing you
as director.
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360. Oh, well,
if that isn't the most
Copy !req
361. insulting, petty thing
I ever heard.
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362. Besides, I wasn't replaced.
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363. I was promoted to producer.
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364. Sucker.
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365. Mr. Sheffield, can the producer
fire the director?
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366. Yes.
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367. Oh?
Copy !req
368. As easily as the father
can fire the nanny.
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369. Oh.
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370. Are you the usher?
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371. No, I'm the producer.
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372. Let me see your tickets.
Copy !req
373. Lady, will you wipe my nose?
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374. No.
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375. Don't you have any parents?
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376. Yeah, but they're busy.
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377. J.B. Bingington,
the investment banker,
Copy !req
378. is your father?
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379. Yes.
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380. Blow.
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381. I can't believe
Dad made us come.
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382. This is gonna be so lame.
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383. Now, children, this is
your sister's big night.
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384. I think we should
all support her.
Copy !req
385. - I brought cards.
- I'll deal.
Copy !req
386. Miss Fine?
Copy !req
387. Uh, we...
Copy !req
388. We have a bit of a crisis.
Copy !req
389. Grace is refusing to go on.
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390. I, uh, I think
it's stage fright.
Copy !req
391. Oh, well, I wonder why.
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392. You've made the stage
such a warm and loving place.
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393. Well, I need your help.
You need to speak with her.
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394. Me? Talk to the actors?
Copy !req
395. Why, isn't that
the director's job?
Copy !req
396. What? What? What?
Copy !req
397. You want me
to admit I was wrong.
Copy !req
398. Oh, you think I'm that small?
Copy !req
399. - Turns out I am.
Copy !req
400. Fine. I was wrong.
Copy !req
401. I'll hang myself later.
Copy !req
402. Look, all I wanted
was for Grace
Copy !req
403. to go out on that stage
and have everyone love her.
Copy !req
404. Honey, she doesn't care
if everyone loves her.
Copy !req
405. All she cares
is if you love her.
Copy !req
406. I'm turning into
Lenny Scheinbaum's father.
Copy !req
407. Worse. My own.
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408. I swore I'd never be like him.
Copy !req
409. Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Sheffield.
Copy !req
410. I, myself,
have to fight the urge
Copy !req
411. to wash out gefilte fish jars
and use them as glasses.
Copy !req
412. Hmm.
Copy !req
413. She's in here.
Copy !req
414. Um, Gracie, honey.
Copy !req
415. - Aw.
- I can't work with that man.
Copy !req
416. Oh.
Copy !req
417. Grace...
Copy !req
418. Sweetheart, I'm sorry
I was such an ogre.
Copy !req
419. I didn't mean
to push you so hard.
Copy !req
420. Look, you're more important
to me than any silly play.
Copy !req
421. I'm so proud of you,
whether you go on or not.
Copy !req
422. - Thank you, Daddy.
Copy !req
423. 'Cause I really
don't want to go on.
Copy !req
424. Are you insane?
Copy !req
425. The house is full.
We've got a critic out there.
Copy !req
426. The whole show
rests on your shoulders.
Copy !req
427. Paging Mr. Scheinbaum.
Copy !req
428. Sorry. Wrong again.
Copy !req
429. Oh, sweetheart.
Copy !req
430. It's just that you've worked
so hard at this show
Copy !req
431. and I really think
you could be brilliant.
Copy !req
432. I'm sorry, Daddy. I just can't.
Copy !req
433. - Miss Fine?
- Yeah?
Copy !req
434. The one time
I'd like you to butt in.
Copy !req
435. Hey, I'm with her.
Who needs it?
Copy !req
436. All those people
looking at you,
Copy !req
437. all the lights in your eye.
Copy !req
438. Ugh. The whole thing's
a turn-off.
Copy !req
439. Thank you, Miss Fine.
Copy !req
440. You know what, honey?
Don't worry.
Copy !req
441. The show will go on.
Copy !req
442. Andrea knows all of your lines.
Copy !req
443. She will take your place.
Copy !req
444. Over my dead body.
Copy !req
445. Hold the curtains!
Copy !req
446. Make-up!
Copy !req
447. That's why they call me
the producer.
Copy !req
448. Ladies and gentlemen,
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449. welcome to
the Lexington Academy's
annual pageant.
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450. A Maxwell Sheffield Production.
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451. My God,
she has got something,
hasn't she?
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452. Yeah.
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453. Guts.
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454. Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
the reviews are in.
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455. Oh, let me see, let me see.
What do they say?
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456. Well, they loved Gracie,
and they said
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457. the programs were
neatly folded. That was me.
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458. Yeah, yeah.
What did they say
about the production?
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459. Oh,
"Not since Hudson Hawk
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460. has there been such a...
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461. over-produced under-directed
piece of dreck."
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462. Hack.
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463. Oh, that's all right,
Mr. Sheffield.
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464. Next year,
you could fold the programs.
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