1. Happy Birthday to you
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2. Thank you.
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3. How old are you now? How old—
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4. Ma, watch it. I still got a wish coming.
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5. Well done.
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6. Darling, it's not how old you are.
It's how you look.
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7. And you look gorgeous.
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8. - Am I right, Max?
- Absolutely, Syl.
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9. When I was your age, I was a cow.
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10. That was right after I had her.
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11. Ma, please. You were stuffing yourself
with pastrami up until the birth.
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12. I'm surprised I wasn't born
with a pickle in my mouth.
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13. Here you are. As promised,
two front-row seats to Les Misérables.
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14. Happy Birthday.
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15. I'm 30 and I'm dating my mother,
and they think they're Misérables.
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16. Miss Fine, some things
just get better with age.
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17. Like a fine Bordeaux.
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18. Or, a nice slab of blue cheese,
getting good and moldy.
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19. Why don't you just stick me
in the Menorah Village Retirement Hotel?
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20. Grandma Yetta loves it there.
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21. Grandma Yetta thinks she's in Paris.
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22. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
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23. Maggie has found religion.
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24. What's the matter, sweetheart?
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25. Cindy told Whitney that she heard
through Mark that Phillip—
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26. - Honey.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
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27. Hang in. Hang in. What is it? What is it?
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28. That Phillip Drake is gonna ask me out.
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29. - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.
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30. Mags, I'm so happy for you.
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31. Just on the night that my life is ending,
hers is just beginning.
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32. Darling, I have a surprise for you.
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33. Ma, please. You already gave me
the Chanel cologne.
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34. - Parfum.
- And, I love it.
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35. - But, you're spoiling me.
- My pleasure. Here.
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36. This isn't another membership
for Great Expectations?
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37. No, I've given up on that.
Think real estate.
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38. - Condo?
- Smaller.
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39. - Time-share?
- Smaller.
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40. A cemetery plot?
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41. She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
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42. 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
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43. What was she to do, where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
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44. So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffields' door
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45. She was there to sell makeup
But the father saw more
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46. She had style, she had flair
She was there
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47. That's how she became the Nanny
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48. Who would have guessed
That the girl we described
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49. Was just exactly
What the doctor prescribed?
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50. - Now the father finds her beguiling
- Watch out, C.C.
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51. - And the kids are actually smiling
- Such joie de vivre!
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52. She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
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53. The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran
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54. Ma, I can't believe
you would buy me a cemetery plot.
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55. I don't even have a good winter coat.
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56. Actually, I bought four plots.
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57. Two for me and your father,
and two for you and...
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58. The lucky guy?
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59. It's gonna happen, knock wood.
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60. Just kidding.
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61. - Ma.
- What a lovely model.
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62. But, why do they have a satin lining?
Satin doesn't breathe.
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63. And, neither will you.
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64. Meanwhile, a person could drop dead
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65. just waiting to get service
around this joint.
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66. You want some blush?
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67. What, I'm gonna get all dolled up
for some creepy funeral director?
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68. You never know.
He could turn out to be gorgeous.
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69. Yeah, right. I'm sure
he had a common career choice:
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70. male model or mortician.
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71. Hi.
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72. Hi.
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73. I'm Steve Mintz.
Really sorry to keep you waiting.
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74. That's okay. In your business,
what's the rush?
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75. - Hi, Stevie.
- Hey, Syl.
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76. - How you been?
- Good.
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77. - This is my daughter, Fran.
- Hi.
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78. Hi. Stevie, you guys know each other?
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79. We met at a funeral.
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80. At least no one could say
Marcia Silverberg died for nothing.
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81. So, you set me up?
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82. These plots were a plot?
Ma, I'm gonna kill you.
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83. Well, at least
they won't have far to move me.
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84. Steve, you know those four plots
my mother bought?
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85. Sure. The two-for-one sale.
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86. A sale? Not only are you giving me away,
but I'm marked down?
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87. Only the best for you, darling.
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88. Twenty-five is a very important birthday.
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89. Anyway, I'd like to return them.
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90. Really? You haven't even
tried them out yet.
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91. Look, I'm sure it's a lovely plot,
and I'd look gorgeous in it.
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92. - But—
- Your husband made other arrangements?
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93. She doesn't have a husband.
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94. I'm sorry. Did he pass on?
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95. First, he should only pass by.
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96. You know, you two have so much in common.
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97. Fran is a licensed cosmetologist,
and Stevie does makeup, too.
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98. Ma, you're killing me here.
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99. Don't be embarrassed.
My mother's even worse.
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100. - No. Mine is.
- No, really. Mine.
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101. This is a picture of Fran,
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102. in the third grade production
of Fiddler on the Roof.
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103. Isn't she adorable?
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104. Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match—
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105. Get out of here!
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106. You win.
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107. Look, Fran, I'd be more than happy
to give you your money back,
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108. but... let me see
what I can do for you here.
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109. All right. Dazzle me.
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110. Okay.
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111. I will upgrade you to a mausoleum
with a beautiful sunset view.
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112. No way. Then I'd get all the fumes
from the Cross Bronx Expressway,
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113. not to mention the noise.
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114. Well, we've never had any complaints.
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115. Look, Steve, you know,
you do make dying so very attractive.
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116. But, I just don't like to plan
quite so far in advance.
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117. Well, then how about tonight?
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118. What, and skip old age?
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119. Actually, I was... thinking about dinner.
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120. Well, that's very flattering.
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121. I just don't know if I'm available—
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122. How old are you now?
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123. You got something in her size?
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124. Thank you, Fran,
for letting me borrow your clothes.
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125. That's what women do.
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126. There's one Chanel suit,
it travels the globe.
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127. Man, I can't believe
I'm going out with Phillip.
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128. I can't believe I'm going out with Steve.
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129. Phillip is so cool and deep.
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130. Steve keeps people cool and deep.
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131. Doesn't it give you the creeps,
going out with an undertaker?
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132. Well, maybe when I was 29,
but now that I'm 30,
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133. I'm a little more...
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134. Desperate?
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135. You want to borrow those clothes, or what?
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136. I hope I'm sophisticated enough
for this coffeehouse.
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137. I mean, I don't even know
the difference between French roast,
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138. mocha java, or Colombian.
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139. Nobody does, unless you're Juan Valdez.
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140. Do yourself a favor, just order water,
but nothing with bubbles.
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141. It's hard to sound profound
when you belch.
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142. Fran, you can't go out.
Who's gonna read to me?
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143. Honey, would I leave you hanging
at chapter 37?
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144. Look. I made you a tape.
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145. Scruples, a dramatic reading by Fran Fine.
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146. Scruples, Miss Fine?
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147. What, we can't both enjoy the story?
I edit out the racy parts.
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148. Fran, I need some help
with my history paper.
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149. What kind of help?
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150. You know, picking out a topic,
doing the research, writing it up,
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151. and, oh, yeah, do you type?
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152. - What's that?
- What?
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153. I thought I saw a pig fly by.
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154. There's my date.
Now, don't embarrass me, please.
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155. You all know how difficult this is.
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156. I don't want any corny jokes
about Steve being a funeral director.
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157. We'll try, but it's quite an undertaking.
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158. We may be getting in over our heads.
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159. - Hi, Steve.
- Hi.
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160. Family, house. Gotta go. Bye.
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161. Miss Fine, Miss Fine,
where are your manners?
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162. Come on in. Let me fix you
a cup of coffin—
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163. Coffee. Cup of coffee. Accident. I swear.
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164. - You know, I could chaperone for you.
- Over my dead body.
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165. Thank you, thank you. No hands, no hands.
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166. "Trembling with desire,
she looked deep in his eyes,
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167. slipped off her negligee, and—
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168. folded it neatly, brushed her teeth,
and got a good night's sleep."
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169. Gracie, sweetheart,
it's almost ten o'clock.
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170. Why aren't you in bed?
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171. Fran's so good, I can't put her down.
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172. I finished my homework, Dad.
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173. All right. Let's have a listen.
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174. The Civil War.
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175. The causes of the Civil War become clear
when we view the United States,
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176. as a big dysfunctional family.
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177. Grace, I've told you not to do
your brother's homework.
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178. Five bucks is five bucks.
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179. Brighton, you can't just go through life
paying people to do everything for you.
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180. Dad, I've got two words for you:
Niles, Fran.
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181. I've got two words for you:
military school.
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182. Hey, what did I do?
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183. This is all your fault
for letting Fran start dating.
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184. You think I should
keep her chained up in her room?
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185. Well, yeah. You know, something.
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186. Dad, if you let her go out there and see
what it's like, she may never come back.
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187. You'd actually miss her, wouldn't you?
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188. Well, yeah.
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189. You know, because then there'd be
no one to do my homework.
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190. Yeah, right.
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191. "... and they lived happily ever after.
The end."
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192. Now, tuck yourself in,
and tomorrow we'll start another classic.
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193. The Valley of the... Barbie Dolls.
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194. Good night, sweetheart.
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195. Good night, Fran.
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196. Don't get so close to the TV.
You'll get cancer.
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197. Thank you, Niles.
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198. Cigar?
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199. Don't mind if I do.
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200. Will there be anything else, sir?
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201. Is that the London Times?
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202. You know, my pajamas are about your size.
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203. Well, apparently Miss Fine's date
is going very well.
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204. Awfully quiet in this house, isn't it?
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205. Really? I hadn't noticed.
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206. So, what do you think
of this nasty business in the Middle East?
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207. It's something I would like
to read about... in my off time.
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208. Which technically began at 8:00.
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209. Right. Yes.
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210. Well, I'll just—
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211. If you're at loose ends, sir,
why don't you sort the recycling?
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212. Good idea.
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213. Way to be politically conscious, sir.
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214. Do you realize how much the children
will actually miss Miss Fine,
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215. - if she were to leave?
- Good God, man, it's just a first date.
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216. Speaking as one who's off the clock.
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217. Well, you're absolutely right.
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218. First dates are usually a nightmare,
aren't they?
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219. Indeed, if mine are any indication.
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220. And after all, he is an undertaker.
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221. I can't see anything between them.
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222. And, I can't see anything
between them, either.
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223. Phillip is so intense. We spent hours
discussing the nature of consciousness,
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224. and whether or not something
really exists.
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225. Like this table.
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226. Is it really here, or is it only here
because we see it?
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227. And, If we weren't here to see it,
would it disappear?
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228. Maggie, sweetheart, next time
you go to a coffeehouse, try decaf.
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229. So, Miss Fine,
I take it your date went well.
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230. Well, it was pretty fabulous.
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231. You know Fran, you've gotta get
this guy out of your system.
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232. I mean, I've got midterms coming up.
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233. I've got middle age coming up. I win.
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234. Okay, kids, we should get going.
You don't want to be late for school.
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235. I can't wait for lunch. Phillip invited
me to sit at his table with his friends.
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236. But, does Phillip's table really exist?
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237. And, when you show up,
will they all disappear?
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238. Well, Niles, it seems
that love is in the air.
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239. I suppose it's time
to have that birds-and-bees talk.
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240. I would have thought you'd have done that
by now. Miss Margaret is 14.
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241. Not Maggie. Don't even say that.
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242. No. I meant Miss Fine.
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243. I suspect she knows, sir.
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244. And, if I may be so bold,
I'd say she's way ahead of you.
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245. Exactly.
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246. That's why I want you,
as the senior member of my domestic staff,
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247. to make Miss Fine aware
of the rules of the house.
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248. Well, you know what I'm talking about.
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249. Spell it out for me, sir.
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250. You know, no pets, no loud music,
no boyfriends in her room.
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251. I understand completely.
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252. Good. So, you'll tell her?
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253. No bloody way.
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254. How very disobliging of you.
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255. We never had this problem
with the other nannies, did we?
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256. No, sir. Although, if I recall correctly
Nanny Carpart was a handsome woman.
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257. That was probably the sideburns.
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258. Good morning, Niles.
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259. Thank you. I am famished.
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260. Napkin?
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261. Well, well. No barbs? No wisecracks?
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262. Niles, have you been
taking butler lessons?
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263. I'm lulling you
into a false sense of security.
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264. Where's Maxwell?
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265. He's gone upstairs
to discuss with Miss Fine,
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266. the possibility of having sex in her room.
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267. Miss Fine, do you have a moment?
I hope I'm not intruding.
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268. Sure. Come on in. My house is your house.
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269. Oh, yeah. It is.
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270. Take a load off.
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271. Thank you but I'd just as soon stand.
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272. Well, can you hold this?
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273. I'm just getting ready for my lunch date.
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274. - Another date already?
- Well, I got to eat.
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275. This is all very awkward.
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276. I've not had to have this conversation
with the other nannies.
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277. Of course, they weren't nearly
as attractive as you.
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278. Well.
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279. As master of this house,
there are certain things that I expect.
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280. Mr. Sheffield.
Maybe I should have read the fine print.
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281. Oh, no. Miss Fine,
you're taking this all wrong.
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282. Here.
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283. I need to talk to you
about your boyfriend.
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284. I wouldn't call him my boyfriend.
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285. Well, he is a boy, and he is your friend.
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286. Mr. Sheffield, are you sure
you're in the right room?
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287. I mean, Maggie is two doors down.
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288. No, I've already had
this talk with Maggie.
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289. I hope it went better than this.
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290. No. As a matter of fact, it didn't.
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291. Miss Fine, what I'm trying to say is,
if you are intent on having a fling,
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292. then there are certain rules, regarding
the proper places for a fling to be flung.
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293. So, I take it the previous
nannies never... flang?
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294. No. They were not flingers.
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295. Well, let me just clarify this.
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296. We are talking about having sex
in my room, are we not?
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297. Not— No. Not us.
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298. We already covered that.
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299. I assure you, Mr. Sheffield,
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300. I would never do anything
to set a bad example for the children.
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301. Well, thank you for that, Miss Fine.
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302. And, I appreciate your discretion.
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303. Well, thank you for holding my hair.
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304. Anytime.
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305. If you want, I can return the favor
and wash that gray away.
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306. How long have you had that, anyway?
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307. It came in about the same time you did.
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308. What a coincidence.
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309. - Fran? Be right there.
- No rush.
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310. No one's going anywhere.
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311. - Hi.
- Hi. Hi. Hi.
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312. Listen, thanks for meeting me here.
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313. I would've picked you up,
but the car's being used.
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314. No problem. No problem.
Here. I'll help you close up.
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315. Steve-a-la.
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316. - Are you sure this is the right place?
- Well.
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317. Although, this satin lining
looks very comfy.
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318. You know, that's what I love about you.
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319. You have got the greatest sense of humor.
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320. - Well, so do you.
- Yeah? You really think so?
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321. Yeah, considering your chosen profession.
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322. Well, it wasn't actually my choice.
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323. It's a family business
that I just sort of fell into.
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324. Well, there's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
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325. It's a very respectable business,
and it doesn't bother me one bit.
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326. Well, it bothers me.
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327. Fran, I just can't stand to be around
all of this sadness day in and day out.
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328. Honey, did you make a wrong career choice.
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329. That's why I'm going back to college
to get my degree.
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330. - A professional man.
- Nope.
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331. - Doctor?
- Nope.
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332. - Lawyer?
- No.
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333. Indian chief?
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334. I'll give you a hint.
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335. You're studying to be Karl Malden?
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336. - No. A clown!
- Wha—?
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337. Fran, I'm going to clown college.
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338. Fran, don't you get it?
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339. See, I just want to make people happy.
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340. Fran, you're not laughing.
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341. I'm laughing...
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342. on the inside...
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343. where it's dry.
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344. All right. Look, look.
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345. I, also, do balloon animals.
Here, watch this.
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346. I hope it's a four-year college.
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347. I hate men.
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348. Well, take a number, take a spoon.
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349. What are you eating?
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350. I guess I'll have
my leftover birthday cake.
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351. Isn't that a little old?
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352. What's your point?
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353. I can't believe Phillip. What a phony.
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354. I caught him drooling
over some stupid cheerleader.
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355. And, after all the coffee
you drank for that man.
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356. I thought we had something special.
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357. Been there.
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358. I thought I really knew him.
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359. And, there.
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360. And then, out of nowhere,
he hits me with this.
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361. It's like I've had cold water
thrown in my face.
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362. I know exactly how you feel.
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363. Picturing yourself married.
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364. Living in a split-level in Long Island,
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365. with three kids
and an Eldorado in the driveway.
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366. No.
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367. But, I did have hopes for the weekend.
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368. Hello, ladies. Ice cream? Cake?
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369. Man trouble?
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370. I hate Phillip.
I'm never talking to him again.
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371. Miss Margaret, it's Master Phillip.
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372. Oh, my God, oh, my God.
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373. Youth.
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374. You know, Fran, when I'm depressed,
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375. it always makes me feel better
to help other people.
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376. I have an essay I'd be willing
to let you write for me.
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377. Brighton, my darling,
I'm at your beck and call.
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378. I'll be home every night.
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379. I have no life.
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380. - We're awfully sorry, Miss Fine.
- We sure are.
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381. So, what happened?
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382. Did you find dating a mortician
a bit too macabre?
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383. I did at first,
but I got used to the idea.
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384. And then he turns out to be a clown.
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385. How do you mean?
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386. I mean a clown.
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387. In what way?
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388. The usual way.
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389. Red hair, baggy pants, floppy shoes.
Do I have to draw you a picture?
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390. To think I came this close
to being Mrs. Bozo.
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391. All the world loves a clown.
Why can't you?
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392. Twenty-seven guys in one little car?
I can't even stand to share a cab.
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393. Sharing is what marriage is all about.
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394. What are you looking for, anyway?
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395. Ma, I'm not asking for much, just a guy
that doesn't wear as much makeup as I do.
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396. What are you waiting for?
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397. You think Mr. Right
is just gonna walk right up,
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398. knock on your door, and say, "Here I am?"
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399. There you are. Hello, Sylvia.
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400. Which tie, the yellow or the green?
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401. - Green. It goes better with your eyes.
- Thanks.
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402. Ma, I just want a guy
that I can respect, that respects me.
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403. I'm sorry to bother you again.
It's just, I value your opinion.
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404. Gold? Gold or tiger's-eye cuff links?
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405. Gold. Simple, elegant.
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406. Right.
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407. Who knows, Ma? I just think
maybe someday he'll come along.
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408. Fran, open your eyes.
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409. Life just doesn't work like that.
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410. Steve could be very successful.
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411. Look at Ronald McDonald.
He's got his own corporation now.
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412. I'm not gonna spend my nights
polishing big shoes, Ma.
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413. Are you gonna be single your whole life?
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414. I can just see the wedding.
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415. He'll slip on a banana peel
walking down the aisle.
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416. Look at the bright side.
Instead of two rings, you'll have three.
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417. Shut the door, Ma.
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