The Munsters 2x32

Pat Woodell as Miss Thompson

When Eddie reads a school composition entitled “My Parents – An Average American Family” to his class, his teacher believes the boy is exhibiting symptoms of an overactive imagination. The school principal suggests that Eddie’s wild exaggerations might be motivated by an underprivileged home life. It is decided that a visit to the Munster home is in order.

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1. And turn up the rectifier to 9,000 volts.

2. Rectifier to 9,000.

3. Good. Now, switch the oscillator from negative to positive.

4. Switch the oscillator...

5. Grandpa? Yes?

6. I don't mean to seem nosy, but what's the purpose of this machine?

7. Purpose of the...

8. I'm gonna take electricity out of the air and store it.

9. We'll never have to pay another light bill.

10. I'm gonna try and attract the lightning right now.

11. I got it! I got it! I got it!

12. Herman, I think you ought to take that toaster to the store...

13. and have it fixed right.

14. Now, Lily, they don't call me Handy Herman for nothing.

15. I'll have this toaster fixed in three shakes of a cat-o'-nine-tails.

16. Hey, Pop. We have a new English teacher at school...

17. and I've got to write a composition. Would you help me?

18. Just as soon as I finish this toaster for your mother.

19. Now, I am going to transfer the stored electricity in this machine...

20. and connect it to the house wires.

21. Now go back there and man the controls.

22. There we go. That ought to do it.

23. What's the subject of your school composition, Eddie?

24. "My Parents: An Average American Family."

25. Fine, dear.

26. When your father comes to, I'm sure he'll be able to help you with it.

27. Aunt Lily, I forget, is it two...

28. or three tablespoons of vinegar you put in the sour apple pie?

29. Better put three, dear. We don't want it to be tasteless.

30. I thought Eddie would be down here to lick the spoon.

31. No. He went right up to his room after school.

32. He's really working on that composition.

33. I know. He's been asking all kinds of questions.

34. I think it'll be good.

35. I bet when his teacher reads about this family...

36. her eyes will really pop out.

37. Our dodo bird roast is coming along fine.

38. You know, they're getting very scarce on the market these days.

39. Isn't it wonderful we can cook our whole meal on our own electricity?

40. Now, this is one invention of Grandpa's that really has worked.

41. Well, at least so far.

42. I think a little cactus juice dressing will be fine for the salad.

43. Oh, dear.

44. I'd better tell Grandpa his electricity is off.

45. Grandpa! What is it?

46. Your stupid electricity machine isn't working.

47. And we're trying to fix dinner.

48. Lily, please. I'm working on it.

49. You'll have all the electricity you want in just a minute.

50. He said he's fixing it.

51. But I wish he'd waited a while...

52. before he wrote that nasty letter to the electric company.

53. Here we go.

54. That Benjamin Franklin was a piker.

55. There we are. Everything is running again.

56. Grandpa.

57. I guess it's cold rhinoceros-tongue sandwiches again tonight.

58. Hey, Mom. What happened?

59. Our dinner just flew out the window.

60. Oh, boy. I need exciting stuff like this for my composition.

61. This family was beginning to sound awfully dull.

62. It's nice to get together and sing those old, fun songs.

63. They just don't write them the way they used to.

64. Aunt Lily. Yes, Marilyn?

65. Eddie has an announcement to make.

66. Oh, wonderful.

67. I'll bet your new set of fangs just came in.

68. It's even neater than that. I finished my school composition.

69. And he's so proud of it. He wants to read it to us.

70. Good. Eddie, read the part about me first because that's the best.

71. No, Eddie. Read the part I helped you with.

72. Wait... Tut, tut, tut, family.

73. Let's have none of these petty jealousies.

74. Eddie, will start with the beginning...

75. which just so happens to be all about his wonderful father.

76. "My Parents: An Average American Family" by Edward Wolfgang Munster.

77. "I have the most wonderful family in the whole world...

78. "and we all live in a mansion on Mockingbird Lane.

79. "It is a neat place.

80. All the grass is weeds and the trees is dead."

81. My, he does have a flair for the language.

82. Yeah, and don't forget to copy it off later in blood.

83. Remember, neatness counts.

84. "My father is the head of the house."

85. This is the good part.

86. "My father is a handsome man about nine feet tall...

87. who has a green complexion and steel bolts in his neck."

88. "Stork did not bring my father.

89. "He was made in Germany in a laboratory.

90. "He was built by a Dr. Frankenstein...

91. whose hobby was putting together do-it-yourself people kits."

92. Well, go ahead, Eddie.

93. I want our principal, Mr. Bradley, to hear all of this.

94. "My mother is over 400 years old, and right now she is alive...

95. "although there were many times when she wasn't.

96. "My grandfather was born in Transylvania where he was known as Count Dracula.

97. "He did nothing but night work...

98. "and always got home by sunrise to flake out in his marble bed.

99. "I have a pet, Spot, who breathes fire and smoke.

100. "And eats manhole covers, telephone poles...

101. "and whatever happens to wander into the neighborhood.

102. "I also have a girl cousin, Marilyn.

103. "She's not pretty like the rest of us...

104. "and her boyfriends always run off screaming after their first visit.

105. "Signed, Edward Munster.

106. Boy Genius."

107. My father made me put that in.

108. Well, Edward, that's quite a composition.

109. And thank you very much for staying after school, reading it for me.

110. We'll let you know what your grade is later on.

111. Does that mean I can cut out? Cut out?

112. Yes. Yes, Eddie. Dismissed.

113. Good night, sir. Good night, Ms. Thompson.

114. Good night, Eddie.

115. Ms. Thompson, this is the most astounding composition I have heard...

116. in all of my years with the school system.

117. Yes, I thought it was a trifle unusual, Mr. Bradley.

118. You are absolutely right to bringing this to my attention.

119. We've considered Eddie to be a little different...

120. ever since the day he first enrolled.

121. In fact, I believe he's the only child...

122. in the entire fifth grade with pointed ears.

123. Why would he make up such wild exaggerations as this?

124. These problems usually start in the home.

125. You know, the child is unhappy or has an underprivileged home life.

126. He's very liable to compensate by creating fantasies.

127. You know, how wealthy his family is...

128. what a great athlete his father is, stories like that.

129. We just can't let Eddie go on like this.

130. You're right.

131. You know, I think the way to get to the bottom of this is...

132. pay a little visit to the Munster family.

133. And you want me to call on them?

134. Well, in as much as you are rather a new teacher, Ms. Thompson...

135. I'll tell you what, I shall go along with you.

136. Then, in case anything unusual does happen...

137. with my experience, it won't faze me. Believe me.

138. Nine feet tall, with a green complexion.

139. You know, I will bet, in reality...

140. that Mr. Munster is a short, unobtrusive little man...

141. who's afraid of his own shadow.

142. Do you know...

143. This is very strange.

144. What?

145. This is written with the reddest red ink I think I have ever seen.

146. "and if convenient, our principal, Mr. Bradley and I...

147. "would like to stop around after school to discuss Eddie and his composition.

148. Sincerely, Ms. Thompson."

149. Boy! A note from the teacher.

150. You really made a big hit with that composition.

151. I'll bet you really made them sit up and take notice.

152. I'll say. When I read my composition to the class...

153. all the kids started laughing and yelling and screaming and stamping their feet.

154. A couple of them even doubled up so bad, they had to be carried out of the room.

155. It's strange the way jealousy affects some people.

156. What did your teacher say, Eddie?

157. I guess it got her too. She turned a little blue and choked a little.

158. When she got her voice back, she dismissed the class...

159. and had me read it to the principal.

160. Well, there's no doubt about it, kid.

161. Your composition was a literary triumph.

162. You know what, Eddie?

163. I am going to make a point of leaving the parlor early today.

164. I'll let Clyde handle my customers.

165. I'm sure they won't complain.

166. I will be home, too, Eddie. I'd just love to meet your teacher.

167. Sure, Marilyn.

168. I told her about you in my composition, so she'd be prepared.

169. I'll make some black sulfur tea...

170. and bake some coffin crullers, and make some spider cookies and bat biscuits.

171. That's it, Lily. Lay out the festive board.

172. Would you guys do me a favor when the teacher and Mr. Bradley come?

173. Of course, Eddie, what is it?

174. Well, try not to embarrass me in front of them.

175. Embarrass you?

176. How could we embarrass you?

177. Well, for one thing, Mom...

178. don't tell them I'm your little baby, and mushy stuff like that.

179. And Grandpa, don't boast about how I have royal blood in my veins.

180. I want to sound like one of the guys.

181. Don't you worry about us, Eddie.

182. And Pop...

183. don't slap the teacher on the back and tell her any of your corny jokes.

184. Is that all right if I tell them one about the sailor and the mermaid?

185. You tell them that one and I'll run away from home.

186. You just don't want me to sit there and look stupid, do you?

187. That'd be fine, Pop.

188. Don't you worry, Eddie.

189. We promise that we'll be the soul of propriety and decorum.

190. And by the way, Grandpa...

191. if you're working down in the dungeon while we're having tea...

192. please try not to blow up the house.

193. If it's that important to you, I'll make every effort.

194. I'm putting on the tea now, Aunt Lily, okay?

195. Oh, yes. Thank you, Marilyn.

196. I'm just doing a little last-minute dusting.

197. Dearie me.

198. The vacuum cleaner is working backwards now.

199. Go and tell Grandpa.

200. Grandpa, the vacuum cleaner is running backwards.

201. Sorry, I turned the wrong knob.

202. Ah.

203. That's better.

204. Hey, Mom? They'll be here any minute now.

205. How do I look?

206. Just fine, Eddie. Did you wash up?

207. Sure. I brushed my fangs and washed behind my points.

208. You aren't a little nervous, are you? No.

209. But are you sure Pop won't tell any of his jokes?

210. I'm sure he won't.

211. Good, because he's got a zinger that'd get me thrown right out of school.

212. Eddie, you put the vacuum cleaner away for me...

213. and then be sure to listen for door.

214. I'm going into the kitchen and see to it...

215. that the cheese dip doesn't crawl out of the dish.

216. All right.

217. My!

218. It's rather run down, isn't it? Yes.

219. It just bears out my theory about an underprivileged childhood.

220. What was that big bird back in the yard?

221. That was a Neophron percnopterus.

222. That is an Egyptian vulture.

223. What would it be doing here?

224. Let's just hope that he has a bad sense of direction.

225. Ms. Thompson, now, this is liable to turn out to be a rather unusual visit.

226. So, whatever we hear or see in there...

227. we must be very careful not to hurt the Munsters' feelings.

228. I'll get it. I'll get it.

229. Hello there, Edward. May we come in?

230. Oh, sure.

231. This is my cousin, Marilyn. I told you about her in my composition.

232. Oh, yeah. I guess you see what I mean.

233. I'm very happy to meet you. How do you do.

234. Won't you come into the living room?

235. We're gonna have eats.

236. The niece is very charming.

237. But have you ever seen such a house?

238. Perhaps their cleaning woman is ill.

239. I'll go get Aunt Lily. Won't you sit down?

240. It's okay. Everything was just dusted.

241. Mr. Bradley, over there.

242. Isn't that an electric chair?

243. Well, it could be the way the shadows are falling in...

244. or it could be some of that pop art, too.

245. Perhaps they're rather bohemian in their taste.

246. Here we are.

247. Mr. Bradley, she's green.

248. Malnutrition.

249. I'm Eddie's mother.

250. How do you do? I'm Mr. Bradley and this is Eddie's teacher, Ms. Thompson.

251. Won't you sit down?

252. Thank you.

253. Well, now. I guess you want to talk about my little baby here?

254. Mom, you promised.

255. I'm sorry, Eddie.

256. He's such a sensitive child.

257. Eddie, Spot's in the kitchen.

258. Why don't you go and take him out in the yard...

259. and help him bury someone?

260. I get it. You want to talk about me.

261. See you, Ms. Thompson. See you, Mr. Bradley.

262. Yes, thank you. Thank you.

263. Come on, Spot. Let's go.

264. Was that Spot?

265. Oh, yes. You'll have to excuse him. He has a little bit of laryngitis.

266. Have some cookies?

267. Oh, yes...

268. I don't think I am as hungry as I thought.

269. Eddie's grandfather is quite busy.

270. But I asked him to pop his head up and say hello.

271. Oh, that will be nice.

272. Marilyn.

273. Now, Grandpa.

274. Pleased to meet you.

275. He's really very busy. We make our own electricity, you know.

276. That's very nice.

277. I understand you were very impressed with Eddie's composition.

278. Yes, we were. Weren't we, Ms. Thompson?

279. Impressed with Eddie's composition? Yes.

280. Is something bothering you, Ms. Thompson?

281. Yes. I could have sworn I saw something staring at me from that clock.

282. That's just our raven. He's such a busybody.

283. But you can talk in front of him.

284. He doesn't gossip.

285. Mrs. Munster, getting back to Eddie's composition.

286. You know, there is one item that I do believe needs some clarification.

287. I thought it was all quite clear.

288. It was Eddie's description of his father.

289. I mean, nine feet tall, green complexion...

290. and steel bolts in his neck.

291. Oh, that.

292. Well, you see, many years ago...

293. Hello, everybody!

294. There's Herman now.

295. Now I'll throw the high-voltage crossover.

296. Isn't that annoying? Grandpa has blown another fuse.

297. Herman? Herman...

298. I'd like you to meet Ms. Thompson over there...

299. and Mr. Bradley over there.

300. Glad to meet you. Here, let me shake your hand.

301. Yes, I... What? What happened?

302. Something big and hairy just bit me on the wrist.

303. I told you to trim your fingernails.

304. I'll get Grandpa to turn on the lights.

305. Grandpa, we're in the dark up here.

306. Keep your shroud on. I'll have the lights on in a minute.

307. Never mind about us.

308. We have to be leaving right away.

309. Yes, we can discuss this anytime. Yes.

310. Don't run. I'll go up and get the candles...

311. off Grandpa's slab.

312. That's a good idea, Herman.

313. No, never mind.

314. We can find our way out, I'm sure. This way.

315. Isn't that a shame? And we were having such a nice little visit.

316. Stick with me, Ms. Thompson.

317. That door must be along here someplace.

318. Should we really run like this?

319. Listen, if Munster looks anything like he sounds...

320. I just don't want to be here when the lights come on, that's all.

321. Don't just stand there, Herman.

322. Let's go out and show them to the door.

323. Yes, dear.

324. Mr. Bradley, we're in a... Good heavens, we are.

325. There you are. Before you go...

326. I want you to really meet my husband.

327. At last we meet. Face to face.

328. Don't faint until we get outside.

329. It's been awfully nice knowing you.

330. Well, I certainly enjoyed our visit. Thank you.

331. You're very welcome.

332. Goodbye.

333. My, what lovely people.

334. But all the time they were here, they just seemed so ill at ease.

335. That's very understandable, Marilyn.

336. You see, on a schoolteacher's salary...

337. they don't very often get to ritzy joints like this.

338. Poopsie, you're right. You are absolutely right.

339. By the way, Eddie, we never really did get acquainted...

340. with your teacher the other day.

341. Did you extend her our invitation to come to dinner some night?

342. Yeah. Every time I ask, she turns white and changes the subject.

343. Well, son, I guess teachers work pretty hard.

344. They're under quite a strain. They don't get too much time for social life.

345. Where's Grandpa this morning? He's down in the lab.

346. He gave up trying to make electricity.

347. Now he's working on a water supply system...

348. so that we don't we don't have any more water bills.

349. Hey, that sounds neat.

350. Yeah, but knowing your rotten old grandfather...

351. he'll probably drown himself before he perfects it.

352. There.

353. Now, I'll drop in my instant water pill...

354. and we'll have free water all over the house.

355. If this invention works, it'll be his greatest.

356. Nothing comes out.

357. Just as I thought. Another failure.

358. Herman, aren't you going to do something?

359. Aren't I going to do something?

360. I certainly am.

361. I am going to sit down and finish my breakfast.