1. Morning, dear. Well, finally.
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2. His Majesty has condescended
to grace us with his presence.
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3. Be seated. Please,
Lily, spare me the jokes.
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4. Today's starting out
to be one of those days.
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5. Good morning, Uncle
Herman. Good morning, dear.
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6. Good morning! Morning, Grandpa.
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7. Mmm. What smells so good?
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8. I cut myself shaving.
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9. Front door. I'll get it.
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10. No, dear. Uh, not the way
you're dressed. I'll get it.
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11. You can never tell when
Mr. Right is gonna come along.
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12. If you go to the door looking like
that, you're liable to scare him off.
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13. Front door.
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14. Well, bless me.
If it isn't Herman.
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15. Oh, no. Charlie.
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16. I knew it was gonna
be one of those days.
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17. Ah, Lily.
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18. Herman's twin brother.
Charlie, it's good to see you.
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19. Lily, you look just
wonderful, my dear.
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20. A lot of people would just die
to have a complexion like that.
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21. Don't tell me.
This is little Eddie.
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22. The last time I saw you,
my boy, you were this high.
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23. Ah, Marilyn.
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24. Don't you look
pretty, uh, uh, pretty...
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25. How do you do in school,
dear? Just fine, Uncle Charlie.
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26. Good, good, good.
And now, Uncle Charlie...
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27. has a little something
for each of you.
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28. Now, let me see.
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29. What have I got here?
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30. Eddie, this is for you.
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31. Oh, boy, a bat in the box!
Thank you, Uncle Charlie.
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32. And Lily, this is for you.
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33. Oh, Charlie! A new shroud!
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34. Oh! Ooh.
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35. A girl can never
have enough of these.
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36. Marilyn, this here's for you.
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37. Oh.
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38. Greatest thing in
the world for warts.
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39. Don't worry, Grandpa. Old
Charlie hasn't forgotten you.
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40. Good.
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41. Oh. Oh!
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42. It's a box of cigars.
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43. And the box, you see,
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44. is a great place to
keep your ashes.
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45. But, uh, tell me,
where's Herman?
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46. He can't still be nursing a grudge
against his own twin brother.
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47. Of course not,
Charlie. He loves you.
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48. He'll be right down.
Oh, no, he won't.
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49. What's in the other
suitcase, Uncle Charlie?
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50. That?
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51. That, Marilyn, my dear,
is a little invention...
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52. that is going to make your
Uncle Charlie a million dollars.
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53. - "- A million dollars"?
- Oh, an invention.
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54. By the way, I happen to be
a bit of an inventor myself.
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55. Do you mind if I
take a look at it?
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56. Delighted.
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57. Oh.
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58. What does it do, Uncle Charlie?
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59. It extracts uranium
from seawater.
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60. "Extracts uranium from
seawater"? I don't believe it.
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61. If you will allow
me... Marilyn, please.
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62. I'll show you how it works.
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63. See? Good old everyday
garden variety seawater.
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64. It contains.047
grains of uranium.
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65. Now, let me see here.
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66. I turn the machine on.
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67. Now I add the water.
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68. Oh! Is that really uranium?
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69. There's one sure
way to find out.
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70. I'll fly down to my laboratory
and get my Geiger counter.
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71. Oh, no, no, no. Uh,
Grandpa, don't do that.
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72. It's not necessary.
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73. I mean, I have my own.
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74. I always carry a
Geiger counter with me.
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75. You'll make a fortune.
Why, do you realize...
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76. that uranium is worth
its weight in gold?
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77. Well, what do you know?
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78. Well...
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79. It's getting late. I'd
better find me a hotel.
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80. Say "how do you
do" to Herman for me.
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81. Funny. I have a feeling
that boy's been avoiding me.
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82. - You're darn right I am.
- You're going to stay here with us.
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83. After all, you're Herman's
only living relative.
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84. Oh, Lily, how sweet.
Well, if you insist.
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85. Eddie, come along, my boy.
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86. You and me are going
to dig up a little snack first.
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87. Huh. It's easy to see who got
all the personality in that family.
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88. Guess what, Herman.
Charlie is staying with us.
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89. He's doing no such thing.
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90. I want him and his phony uranium
machine out of this house this instant!
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91. Herman Munster!
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92. How can you talk like that
about your own flesh and blood?
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93. Because I've known
him longer than you.
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94. Charlie Munster is a scoundrel
and a con artist from way back.
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95. The doctor who put him together didn't have
an honest bone in his whole laboratory.
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96. Oh, Herman, you're just jealous.
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97. Why, having Charlie here in the
house is like a breath of fresh earth.
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98. I agree with Uncle Herman. There's
something not just right about Charlie.
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99. Marilyn's right.
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100. Just why is he showing up now?
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101. I'll tell you why. Lily, he's
heard about that $5,000...
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102. your grandmother left
you the last time she died.
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103. And he's here to cheat you out
of it with that uranium machine.
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104. Why, shame on you, Herman.
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105. And just because of that, I'm
gonna check this machine...
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106. and prove how wrong
you are about Charlie.
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107. Meanwhile, I
insist he stay here.
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108. All right. All right.
But you will regret it.
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109. I keep telling you... Charlie's always
been the white sheep in this family.
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110. - When are you gonna believe me? When?
- Nevermore.
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111. Just a minute. He's right
here. Uncle Charlie, telephone.
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112. The man says it's important.
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113. Oh. Well, I wonder
who that can be.
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114. I distinctly instructed my secretary
not to tell anybody where I was.
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115. - Munster here.
- This is Leo Kraus.
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116. Oh. Oh, uh, hi, Knuckles.
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117. Where's that thousand bucks I put
up for that phony machine of yours?
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118. I gave you 24 hours
to pay me back.
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119. Well... Well, now,
a-as... as a matter of fact,
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120. I'm in the process of taking
care of that little matter right now.
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121. You've got exactly 24
hours to hand over the dough;
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122. otherwise, you'll get
your head broken.
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123. It's my head broker.
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124. I... I mean, my head broker.
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125. Well, thank you very much
for the advice, Mr. Kraus.
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126. I don't think it's gonna
be too difficult to arrange.
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127. You mean to tell me you actually
found a sucker to buy that machine?
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128. - There can't be anybody that stupid.
- Oh, but there is.
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129. Which brings me to
a very important point.
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130. - I hope you don't mind me selling
one of our machines for $5,000.
- $5,000?
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131. I realize it's a ridiculously
small amount, but you see,
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132. it's for a member
of my own family...
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133. My favorite sister-in-law.
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134. But why not?
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135. Charlie says his partner gave him
special permission to sell it to us.
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136. He says I couldn't
make a safer investment.
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137. He says the ocean
is full of uranium.
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138. The ocean is
also full of suckers,
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139. and I'm gonna see to it
that you're not one of them.
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140. After all, Grandma did
leave that money to me.
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141. And Grandpa's testing the
machine. He saw it work.
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142. No. It's a silly idea.
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143. If your grandmother were alive,
she'd be turning over in her grave.
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144. As long as Charlie stays in
this house, I'm gonna see to it...
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145. that that money
stays in the wall safe.
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146. Let me see. What was
that combination again?
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147. Oh, yes. Two turns to the left.
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148. Right to 14.
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149. Back to six.
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150. Now all we do is add a
little water from the ocean...
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151. and wait for the results that
will prove to Uncle Herman...
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152. how wrong he was
about Uncle Charlie.
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153. Eddie, quick, quick, get my
Geiger counter. Okay, Grandpa.
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154. Huh.
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155. Maybe I used the wrong ocean.
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156. - Grandpa, this is nothing but sand.
- Sand? Plain sand?
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157. To the scientific mind,
this means just one thing.
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158. - Yes, it means that Uncle Charlie...
- Broken.
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159. I broke Uncle Charlie's machine.
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160. Left three.
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161. Right 16.
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162. Two turns to the left.
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163. Stop at 24.
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164. Aw, it's only gold again.
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165. Oh, I've gotta fix this machine
before good old Charlie finds out.
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166. To the right.
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167. Seven left.
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168. Sixteen right.
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169. Two turns to the left.
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170. And presto!
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171. There. I'd like to see Charlie
get his hands on it now.
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172. Oh, Charlie, I'm afraid
the answer is still no.
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173. You know how Herman is. I talked
to him until I was pink in the face.
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174. That sort of puts me in a
funny position, Lily. After all,
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175. my associates were only
doing it as a favor to me.
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176. Well, in case anybody wants
me, I'll be down in my laboratory.
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177. I've got a little work
to do down there.
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178. I wish he wouldn't do that. It
gets ashes all over the floor.
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179. Can I heat this up for
you? Oh, thank you.
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180. Oh, I'm sorry. We're
all out of sugar.
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181. I'll run over to Mrs.
Cartwright's and borrow some.
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182. Mrs. Cartwright? She's
the woman next door.
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183. She's very fond of Herman.
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184. He helps her a lot
around the house. Ah.
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185. She's a bit eccentric though.
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186. Been that way ever
since her husband died.
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187. - A widow?
- Yes. Poor dear.
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188. But fortunately, her husband
left her well provided for.
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189. Well, that is fortunate. Lily,
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190. I'll get the sugar.
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191. Allow me. Sit right down. Oh.
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192. Thank you.
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193. I'll just pop right over.
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194. And I may pick up
enough sugar for both of us.
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195. Come in.
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196. Excuse me. Oh.
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197. Oh, it's... it's
you, Mr. Munster.
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198. Oh, hello. Uh...
Mrs. Cartwright?
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199. Oh, of course.
Come in, Mr. Munster.
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200. Oh, my, don't you look grand.
What have you done to yourself?
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201. Oh, you mean the suit? Like it?
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202. Oh, it's very handsome,
and I imagine very expensive.
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203. Custom made. You see, I
made an investment recently...
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204. on a little invention that
turned out rather well.
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205. Well, on to a good thing and
you didn't even tell me about it.
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206. That isn't very
neighborly, Mr. Munster.
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207. Call me Herman.
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208. That's right, Knuckles.
I got the five grand.
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209. You can call off your boys. I
unloaded that crazy machine.
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210. Some old biddy named Cartwright.
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211. I'm on my way now with the loot.
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212. I gotta blow town quick
before my brother finds out.
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213. And, Charlie, don't do anything
cute or your frame will float.
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214. Charlie sold that machine
to Mrs. Cartwright?
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215. I was just talking to her
through the barbed wire fence.
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216. She's floating on air.
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217. She'll make the
fortune we missed.
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218. Lily, that machine is just
what I told you it was... a phony.
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219. - "A phony"?
- That's right.
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220. I just sent Marilyn downtown to
the National Chemical Institute,
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221. and they told her that while
seawater is full of uranium,
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222. there's absolutely
no way of extracting it.
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223. Oh, Herman, you
were right about Charlie.
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224. - What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna have to buy back
that machine.
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225. But that will take every last
cent of Grandma's legacy.
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226. The good name of Munster is more
important than any amount of money.
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227. Oh, serves me right
for trusting Charlie.
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228. If you don't learn
to be more careful,
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229. the next time Grandma dies, she'll
leave her money to someone else.
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230. After I'm finished with this, I'm
gonna kick Charlie out of here...
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231. Every lock, stock
and monocle of him!
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232. Two turns to the left.
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233. Right 14. Left...
Oh, the heck with it!
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234. So you see, Mrs. Cartwright,
the machine is actually worthless.
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235. So I wouldn't want
you to get stuck with it.
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236. If it's worthless, why
did you sell it to me?
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237. That wasn't me. That
was my twin brother.
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238. Your twin brother? Oh!
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239. Oh, no, no, Mr. Munster.
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240. There couldn't
possibly be two like you.
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241. It's really true. But
that's not important now.
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242. Mrs. Cartwright, I'll pay
you back your whole $5,000.
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243. I don't know. I mean, if
you'd go to all the trouble...
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244. of changing your clothes and making
up that story about a twin brother,
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245. you must want that
machine pretty badly.
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246. I'm just trying to
do the right thing.
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247. Well, in that case,
you can have it... Good.
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248. For $5,500.
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249. But, Mrs. Cartwright,
you only paid 5,000.
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250. I know. I know.
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251. But a poor, defenseless
widow like me...
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252. has got to make a
teeny-weeny bit of profit.
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253. That's the democratic way.
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254. Charlie.
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255. Charlie, you're not leaving
without saying good-bye?
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256. Charlie, I guess you're
mad because they told you.
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257. Told me what? That
I broke your machine.
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258. But I didn't mean to. I was just
trying... That's quite all right, Grandpa.
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259. That's not my
problem any longer.
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260. You see, I sold that old
machine to Lady Cartwright.
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261. Ooh. But she'll be glad
to know that I fixed it.
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262. It works just fine now. But, you
see, someone took it out of the lab,
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263. and I still have a few
adjustments to make.
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264. Forget the machine,
Grandpa. I'm leaving now.
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265. Cheers.
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266. "Fixed it"?
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267. What do you mean, "fixed it"?
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268. Well, look, just a few minutes
ago, I made this with the machine.
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269. Huh?
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270. Look at this.
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271. What do you think?
That's uranium?
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272. It ain't bat feathers.
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273. Ah, Mrs. Cartwright,
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274. I've decided not to sell
you my uranium machine.
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275. I have to have it
back. Yes, I know.
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276. Oh, fine. So, here's your money.
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277. Let me have the machine.
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278. Mr. Munster, you've already given me
the money back and taken the machine.
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279. When did I do that?
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280. Just before you
changed your clothes.
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281. But I didn't change my clothes.
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282. Wait a minute.
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283. This fellow who gave you the
money back, was he about this tall?
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284. Yes. Was he built like me?
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285. Uh-huh. Well, that explains it.
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286. That was my twin
brother. Brother.
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287. Now that we own this thing,
what are we gonna do with it?
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288. I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do with it.
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289. I'm gonna smash
it into 5,500 pieces.
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290. - Don't do that.
- Why not?
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291. It's mine. I paid for it.
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292. And at least I'm gonna get
the pleasure of smashing it.
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293. Charlie Munster, you ought
to be ashamed of yourself.
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294. How could you do this to us
after the way we trusted you?
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295. Charlie, you proved one thing.
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296. Water is thicker than blood.
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297. I suppose you're right. I
ought to be ashamed of myself.
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298. Charlie, you're no good.
And I'll tell you another thing.
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299. You...
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300. What did you say?
I said, you're right.
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301. I am no good.
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302. For the first time in my life, I've
been forced to look myself in the face,
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303. and it's a pretty
frightening picture.
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304. I get the feeling I've
just been insulted.
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305. Being here with all of you has,
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306. well, shown me
the error of my ways.
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307. If you'll just give me another chance,
I'll do my best to make it up to you.
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308. Well, if you ask me, it's
a little late for that now.
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309. - It's 2:00.
- Shut up!
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310. Nevermore.
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311. I realize I've done
a lot of rotten things,
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312. but, you see, I've changed.
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313. And to prove it, I'm gonna buy that
worthless machine back from you.
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314. Oh, yeah?
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315. - W-When do I get paid?
- Nevermore.
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316. - Oh, do shut up.
- He's wound up too tight.
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317. I'll pay you this very
moment. Oh, well, I...
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318. Here's the money.
Well, Charlie, I...
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319. Well...
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320. Charlie, I... guess
I misjudged you.
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321. We all make mistakes.
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322. We're only human.
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323. Well, cheerio.
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324. At least let me drive
you to the station.
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325. Oh, uh, not necessary, old
boy. I already phoned a cab.
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326. Well, ta-ta, all.
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327. Don't forget your
old Uncle Charlie.
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328. Eddie, here's a little
something for your piggy bank.
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329. Good-bye, Charlie. You
made the right decision.
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330. After all, you can't always
get by on your good looks.
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331. I suppose you're right.
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332. Good-bye. Good... Good-bye.
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333. Good-bye, Charlie.
Charlie! Good-bye, Charlie.
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334. Charlie! Was that Charlie?
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335. He just left.
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336. Oh, I wanted to talk to him.
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337. You know, he's been acting kind
of strange since I fixed his machine.
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338. - "Fixed his machine"?
- Yeah.
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339. I showed him this
batch of uranium I made,
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340. and he hightailed it over to Mrs.
Cartwright like a bat out of heaven.
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341. He tricked me again
with that sob story of his.
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342. Darn it!
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343. Look, Pop, the
quarter's fake too.
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344. He gypped us all.
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345. That machine was a
phony until you made it work.
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346. I'm glad he took it with him. I wouldn't
want that machine around this house.
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347. - Why not?
- Well, I'll tell you.
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348. If he starts fooling with that machine,
there's no telling what may happen.
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349. - Driver, to the airport, and step on it.
- What's the hurry, Charlie?
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350. Knuckles. Where's
the five "G" s?
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351. I haven't got it. But, Knuckles,
I've got something much better.
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352. Both you and I are
going to be millionaires.
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353. Just let me show
you this machine.
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354. You see, now it really works.
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355. Okay. But this time
it better be good.
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356. He's in the cab, Grandpa.
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357. What was that about the machine?
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358. Oh, nothing. It's just
that the machine...
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359. The machine's still
got a few bugs in it.
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