1. …to the world of the Mighty Boosh.
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2. - What the hell are you wearing?
- This is the mirror ball suit.
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3. I've been up for four days trying to
find our new musical direction, yeah?
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4. You're in this band as well,
what have you been doing?
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5. I do the costumes, you do the music.
That's the agreement.
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6. And this, my friend, represents a major
breakthrough on the sewing machine.
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7. - I'm not wearing that on stage.
- I knew you'd say that.
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8. That's why I've made
you the tweed version.
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9. I call it the library suit.
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10. See this pocket?
That's for your library cards.
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11. See this pouch?
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12. Loose change, in case
you've got any fines.
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13. - That's pretty good actually.
- Yeah. How's it going your end of things?
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14. - I've had a breakthrough.
- Oh yeah?
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15. I think I've found a new note in between
B and C I always knew it was there.
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16. - I'm going to call it "Howard's note."
- Wow.
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17. I'll tell you how it works, right?
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18. I took a note, a sawtooth wave,
right off this Pantomime 4,
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19. put it back here,
re-genned it through itself,
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20. looped it back, mixed it with the
sound of this crab committing suicide
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21. and let it stew in its own reverb
for about three hours,
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22. and then I pump it all out through
this shoe to give it that oaky timbre.
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23. - Cool. Let's hear it then.
- Now go easy, 'cause this is early days.
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24. Okay.
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25. - What do you think?
- That's pretty interesting actually.
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26. - Keep that going.
- What about this?
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27. - Huh?
- That's great.
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28. What you doing?
It's the middle of the night.
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29. I think we've found our new sound, Naboo.
Sing, Vince.
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30. Clockwork Margaret
skating on my mouse mat
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31. - Huh? What do you think of that?
- Awful.
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32. What do you mean, awful?
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33. He's right. It is awful.
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34. I've been up for four days, I don't
know what's right and wrong anymore.
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35. You've got to help us.
We've got to come up with a new sound.
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36. - These things take time. Take a week off.
- A week off?
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37. We've got a meeting with the head of
Pie Face Records at 9:00 in the morning.
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38. If we don't come up with a new sound,
we're not gonna get signed.
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39. - Have you heard of deadlines, Naboo?
- I know about deadlines.
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40. Have you heard of a
deadline for the rent?
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41. Yeah.
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42. Exactly, if we get signed,
we'll get an advance.
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43. You'll get your money, we'll be happy,
you'll be happy, Bollo will be happy.
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44. What do you mean, Bollo?
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45. He's going to drum for
us, if we get the deal.
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46. What?
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47. You did clear that with
Naboo, didn't you, Bollo?
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48. - Um…
- He's not your drummer, he's my familiar.
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49. I can't have him going away.
What if I need my cauldron stirring?
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50. He's an ape, you can't keep him
cooped up indoors, it's not natural.
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51. What, it's natural for him to go drumming
around Europe with an electro band?
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52. - Oh, please.
- Shut up.
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53. Naboo, you've got to help us.
We've got to come up with a new sound.
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54. You must have something
up your silky sleeves.
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55. You've got some potions
and lotions, haven't you?
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56. - Come on, Naboo.
- Look, maybe there is something I can do.
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57. - Follow me.
- Yes.
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58. - See these guys?
- Rudi and Spider.
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59. Genius. Bongo in the Congo.
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60. - Starship Bongo.
- Bongo Ahoy
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61. I bet they never had
any trouble with ideas, did they?
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62. That's not strictly true,
they did have some bad times.
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63. - How would you know?
- I was their dealer in the '70s.
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64. - Good friends of mine.
- Really?
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65. Let me tell you the story of how they
came up with their finest album.
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66. - El Sonido Nuevo.
- What's that mean?
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67. The New Sound.
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68. Hey, Rudi van Disarzio,
why are we here in this godforsaken place?
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69. Why do you think we
are here, Spider Dijon?
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70. I don't know.
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71. Is it 'cause you have no new ideas
and no new songs in you
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72. and everybody's saying you are washed up?
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73. I prefer to think of it as
creative drought, Spider Dijon.
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74. It happens to only the
very talented amongst us.
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75. This place is bullshit.
Where are the bars and the women?
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76. This is a place free
of those distractions.
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77. A sacred place known
only to me and my family.
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78. It is a place where it is written
that a musician may find the new sound.
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79. What does it look like, this new sound?
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80. Doesn't look like anything. It is a sound.
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81. Hey, Rudi, why don't we
record one of my songs?
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82. Why don't we record "Spider Loving"?
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83. That is not the sound
we're searching for, my friend.
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84. That is pornography with bongos.
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85. You said it could be a B-side.
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86. I think it is perhaps something
to be saved for your solo project.
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87. Hmm.
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88. Now open your mind.
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89. Let us begin our quest
to find the new sound.
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90. I am the eagle.
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91. Hey, Rudi, that was pretty good, huh?
Do you think that was the new sound?
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92. No, that was a song about
finding the new sound.
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93. Slightly different.
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94. Hey, Rudi, I've been thinking.
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95. Why don't we do what
we usually do, you know?
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96. Get some Santana albums,
steal some licks, mix them up a little.
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97. Stop with that talk.
We've turned over a new leaf.
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98. We are already under investigation
by the musicologists.
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99. You want to get that door in your head
checked out.
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100. It's letting in all kinds of mambo-Jimbo.
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101. You would not understand.
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102. Oh, really? Why?
'Cause I do not have a door?
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103. Exactly. The Door of Cuckundo
comes only through true wisdom.
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104. - Why can't I have a door, anyway?
- Because you are young and wild.
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105. It's not fair. You get to get the door.
Why don't I get to get the door?
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106. I am wise, I earned my door. I went into
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107. the mountains and I
studied under a master.
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108. I did not just get it at B&Q.
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109. Oh, you say you are wise.
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110. "Oh, look at me, I'm
Rudi, I'm really wise, I've got the door."
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111. You did things wrong,
you stole other people's music.
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112. - Will you stop with this?
- You think you are psychedelic Jesus, huh?
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113. There's nothing holy about you.
You are a fraud.
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114. We all make mistakes.
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115. Some of us learn from
the errors of our ways,
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116. but you never learn,
because you are stubborn like the ox.
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117. I'm not an ox, I am a lion
and if I want something, I pounce.
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118. Yes. We all know about this, don't we?
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119. What are you trying to say to me?
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120. If you want to say something,
speak the plain English.
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121. Don't run around the
house in a little car.
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122. You know very well I am
talking about my ex-wife.
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123. Oh, why you always go on about this?
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124. You know, it was the '60s,
you know, free love, we were young.
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125. Besides, your wife
wasn't just free with me.
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126. She was free with everyone.
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127. My wife was like all
women, strange and evil.
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128. You cannot put all of the blame
on top of her head.
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129. What do you mean by this?
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130. Why do you think her eyes started to go
shopping for other men in the first place?
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131. I was a good husband.
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132. Easy to say with the benefit of hind legs.
She told me everything.
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133. - She told me of your affair.
- I did nothing wrong.
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134. Then why did she come home from work
one day, to find you with your guitar?
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135. That was a misunderstanding, I was naked,
it was dark,
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136. I was changing a string,
I became entangled.
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137. You expect me to believe this?
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138. Is it so wrong for a man to love a guitar?
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139. Yes, it is, if he puts his balls inside it
and strums himself to ecstasy.
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140. I have had enough of this talk now.
I need to meditate.
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141. Go away and digest what
we have spoken about.
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142. Come to an understanding
of why I was right and you were wrong
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143. and then I'll type it up,
give it back to you in a note form.
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144. I bet you will, with bullet
points, you anal bastard.
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145. Why don't you take your notes
and stick them up your anus, huh?
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146. And chew on them till sunrise.
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147. Oh yes, I forgot.
You cannot read, can you?
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148. Maybe I can read a few names,
in my phone book here.
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149. Maybe I can read the name of Carlos.
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150. Carlos Santana. I might have known.
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151. I did not want to tell you, you know.
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152. I was protecting you
because I thought we were bongo brothers.
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153. Carlos has been trying to poach me now
for two years.
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154. He's a proper musician.
He likes to play and have fun.
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155. He doesn't ponce around
the desert in a dress.
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156. This is not a dress.
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157. This is the sacred robe
of the Psychedelic Monks.
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158. Whatever.
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159. Maybe I'll go to Carlos.
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160. He is a better guitar
player than you, anyway.
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161. - What did you say?
- You heard what I said.
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162. He's a better guitar player than you.
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163. - Oh, really?
- Yeah.
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164. Well, can he do this?
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165. - Oh, my pancreas.
- Feel the power of my fusion lick.
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166. This is the last time you ever raise
your guitar to me.
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167. There was a time when we used to
play together and that was enough.
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168. Look at you now.
You think you are some kind of priest.
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169. Better a priest than a beast.
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170. Easy.
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171. Do not worry, Miranda, we are alone now.
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172. - I forgot my congas.
- I was just changing a string.
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173. Hey, Carlos, baby.
Yeah, man, it's me, Spider Dijon.
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174. Yeah, I've been thinking about your offer,
you know.
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175. Maybe it's time we could hook up a little?
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176. Yeah, oh, you know Rudi, wandering around
like a huge purple lollipop.
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177. Hey, Carlos, man, hang on a sec.
There's some weird chick out here.
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178. Hey, lady, this is an important call for
me, you know. Why don't you vamoose?
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179. Well, maybe I shall go back to my town,
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180. which is populated exclusively by women
desperate for a man.
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181. Hey, Carlos, you're breaking up.
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182. - I am Spider.
- That's a very strange name.
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183. - Yeah, it is a nickname, you know.
- Oh!
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184. Because I have eight of something.
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185. - Eight fingers?
- No.
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186. - Eight toes?
- No.
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187. Well, is it because you have eight…
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188. Why are you here?
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189. Well, I shouldn't really tell you this,
but I came with a friend, you know,
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190. he's looking for The New Sound.
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191. - Not another one.
- What do you mean?
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192. Everyone comes here to find a new sound.
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193. I thought it was some
kind of family secret.
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194. No, look over there. There's Razorlight.
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195. And that's Kevin Rowland.
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196. And over there, Chris de Burgh.
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197. - He's been here for ten years.
- Look at Chrissie.
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198. Hey, lady, lady.
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199. You know, this town
you speak of, is it close?
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200. Very close.
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201. - You like porn?
- Very much.
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202. Hey, lady, why don't you come
and have a drink with Uncle Spider?
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203. Little tequila.
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204. Oh, man.
What's wrong with the woolen bullet?
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205. Oh, that is Monkey. She is strange.
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206. She has visions and
she drinks her own urine.
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207. She smells of peanuts. We leave her alone.
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208. She should meet my friend Rudi.
They get on like a house on fire.
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209. He loves complicated women.
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210. But not me, I like simple women.
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211. Yeah.
Oh, look, if it isn't Rudi the Prudy.
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212. What brings you here?
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213. Just passing through.
Sparkling water please.
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214. I thought you'd gone to Carlos.
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215. Whether I go this week or next week,
what's the big deal?
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216. Typical of you to waste your time
on these baubles.
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217. Why don't you stick around?
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218. You know, a town full of women,
even you could get laid.
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219. I like your dress.
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220. This is not a dress.
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221. This is a sacred robe of
the Psychedelic Monks.
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222. Why don't you stay a while?
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223. Put away those fiery biscuits.
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224. - What's wrong with him?
- He's a little upset, you know.
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225. I tell you why,
because he's looking for The New Sound.
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226. Why is that so funny?
I am on a musical quest.
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227. Don't get your robe in a twist, you know.
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228. Why don't you stick
around, little tequila,
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229. little bit of free love.
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230. How naive you are.
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231. If there is one thing I have learned
in all my life as a traveling musician,
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232. it is that love is never free.
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233. It makes a mockery of humanity
the things men will do
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234. for those one and a
half minutes of pleasure.
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235. One and a half minutes?
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236. Two minutes, whatever.
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237. When Spider makes love,
it is for a month-and-a-half at a time.
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238. You beast. You drummers are all alike.
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239. I do not understand.
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240. Perhaps the moon knows the secret
of the New Sound.
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241. When you are the moon,
there is a person people say is the sun.
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242. I saw the sun once, it
came past me, really fast
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243. and it was called the eclipse.
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244. And it came past, but as it came past
I licked his back.
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245. He didn't know I licked his back,
all on his yellow suit.
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246. I'm the moon.
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247. Thanks.
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248. Why do you sit here alone?
Why you not in the bar with your friend?
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249. I am not interested in base pleasures.
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250. Though I see it is tuppence
a pound in this town.
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251. You are not like other men.
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252. - I am a priest.
- Yes.
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253. A high priest of the Psychedelic Monks.
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254. - Perhaps you are aware of our order?
- No.
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255. But I know there was something about you.
Something in your eyes,
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256. it reminds me of someone.
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257. Who?
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258. Someone who died for what he believed in.
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259. - Who was that man?
- He was my father.
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260. - Where is he?
- He is dead.
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261. Oh yes, you mentioned.
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262. He was killed when I
was but a young girl.
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263. The town was attacked
by an evil bandit, Betamax.
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264. Betamax?
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265. All the menfolk fled
this village in fear.
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266. Only my father remained to defend us.
He was killed.
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267. But he had that same look in his eye.
That same look that you have.
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268. This is him.
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269. I too have seen eyes like yours before.
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270. Yes. Where?
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271. When I was young I had a pig.
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272. I'm sorry, I meant no
offense, I loved that pig.
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273. - I understand.
- You do?
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274. I too love pigs.
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275. Sometimes I wish I could marry my pig and
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276. dress him up and ride
him around the town.
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277. I kind of know what you mean.
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278. I feel as though I can
tell you these things.
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279. - Maybe I shall stay in this town a while.
- No.
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280. You must leave this town.
Betamax will kill you.
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281. Who is this Betamax?
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282. He is an obsolete format
and wreaking his revenge on the world.
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283. He kills all our menfolk
and takes his fill of the women.
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284. - Even of you?
- No.
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285. I cover myself with peanut butter.
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286. He has an allergy.
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287. Do you have an allergy?
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288. Only to wheat.
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289. There is no time. Quick, go.
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290. There is a secret way out of the village
through this barn. Save yourself.
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291. The next time you see that pig
or have a peanut sandwich,
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292. think of me.
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293. Your name?
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294. Monkey.
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295. Monkey?
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296. Ladies! Ladies!
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297. Ladies.
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298. Where are you? Ha-ha!
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299. Psst!
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300. Spider.
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301. Huh?
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302. - Psst!
- Huh.
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303. Oh, yeah. I'm a coming.
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304. - Get…
- Come on.
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305. Get off me, you beast.
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306. - Rudi, it is you.
- Yes, it is me.
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307. Oh my God, in the dark in this dress…
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308. How many times do I have to tell you?
This is not a dress, it is a robe.
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309. What are you doing in here, anyway?
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310. Sneaking around in the dark
like some kind of pervert.
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311. I know, you like to
watch, that is your game?
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312. Peeping through the slats.
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313. Shut up. You do not understand
what is going on here.
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314. The town is under a curse from the evil
bandit Betamax and he is coming now.
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315. I don't like the sound of him,
he sounds like a whole heap of bullshit.
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316. - Come on, let's go.
- We're not going anywhere.
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317. We shall stay and fight
the evil that is Betamax.
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318. You're insane, Rudi, you know.
This is all like Woodstock all over again.
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319. The idea is you play and then you scram,
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320. but, oh no, you wouldn't
listen, would you?
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321. You wanted to hang around, didn't you?
And then we got roped into tidying up.
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322. Me, you and Carlos Santana
hoovering for six weeks.
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323. - Somebody had to clean up that mess.
- We should have split like the Who.
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324. They were off in a shot, I didn't see
Roger Daltrey in no flipping apron.
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325. They are selfish men.
What goes around comes around.
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326. What do you mean by this?
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327. Well, maybe one day
Daltrey will do the hoovering.
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328. You're absurd.
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329. Roger Daltrey doesn't hoover for no one,
he's his own man.
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330. - Well, we shall see.
- Listen to me, Rudi.
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331. - I am just a drummer, you know.
- No, you are much more than this.
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332. I cannot be this thing
you want me to be, you know.
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333. You always trying to mold me into the
shape of something. I'm not that shape.
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334. I am the shape of an animal,
I have eight cocks, you know.
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335. There's nothing I more like to do
than to drum, drink tequila,
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336. and make love, until
I fall over in the dirt,
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337. and then the next day
I do it again, you know.
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338. You cannot make milk into cheese.
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339. Yes, you can.
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340. Bad example. I should have gone to Carlos
when I had the chance.
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341. Maybe you still have that chance.
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342. What do you mean?
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343. - What are these?
- Tickets to Brazil.
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344. Backstage passes to Santana in Rio.
Go to him, he shall take you on.
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345. - I don't know what to say, Rudi.
- Don't say anything, just go.
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346. - I'm out of here, man.
- Goodbye.
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347. - I cannot leave!
- Why ever not?
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348. Because we are bongo brothers.
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349. We have been through too much.
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350. I know I can never be a priest like you,
but I can stand by you and fight.
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351. - You have passed the test.
- What test?
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352. The backstage pass test.
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353. Most men would have taken the passes,
gone to Santana, had a good time,
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354. but you refused in order to stay with me
and die like a dog in the sand.
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355. Spider Dijon, for the
first time in your life
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356. you have made a noble gesture.
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357. Oh.
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358. Oh! What is happening? Oh, my head hurts.
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359. - You have a door.
- Yeah, Rudi, I got a door like you.
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360. Check me out.
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361. Let us go and kick some ass.
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362. Prepare to die, pig dogs.
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363. - Betamax.
- What?
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364. You are obsolete but that is no reason
to take revenge on these innocent people.
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365. That's not the reason, jerk-off.
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366. The reason why I'm angry
is that many years ago
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367. someone slept with my wife.
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368. It was him and he shall pay.
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369. Spider, is there no one
you have not slept with?
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370. He's lying.
I never slept with his wife, you know.
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371. I would remember such a thing.
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372. Oh, no, yeah, I did.
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373. I remember now, she
was one hot piece of tape.
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374. Silence!
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375. When we made love it was for 60 minutes,
sometimes 180.
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376. That does it. You shall die.
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377. Not without a fight.
Prepare to feel my fusion wrath.
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378. I'm out of tune, just a minute.
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379. Okay.
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380. - Ah! What's happening?
- Yeah.
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381. This shouldn't be happening. Oh!
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382. Oh, shit-nuts!
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383. Look at him go.
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384. Not good enough. Feel my vinyl tendrils.
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385. I thought you would never shut up.
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386. Right.
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387. What's happening?
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388. Help me, Spider.
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389. - How?
- Use your door.
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390. - But I haven't read the instructions.
- Open your mind.
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391. Here you go. Come to Papa.
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392. Windy, windy,
nice and slow, windy…
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393. I paused him. I paused Betamax.
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394. Rewind him, Spider.
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395. And now I'm going to rewind you,
like the bitch you are.
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396. Oh, no, this can't be happening.
Oh, please no!
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397. Please no, don't do that. Please!
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398. A little to the left. Oh, shit.
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399. They have defeated the Betamax Bandit.
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400. What will you do with him?
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401. We will tape over him with the snooker.
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402. We have searched all over this
world, Spider, to find a new sound.
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403. But there is one place we forgot to look.
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404. Oh, yeah? Where?
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405. Inside our own minds.
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406. And that's the end.
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407. - That's the end?
- And the lesson is
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408. you can only find the New Sound
at the end of a long journey.
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409. How does that help us, you berk?
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410. We've got to meet the
record label in ten minutes.
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411. Good point.
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412. You'd better get some
magic potions out, Mowgli,
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413. - or we're going to hurt you.
- All right, calm down.
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414. This is liquid music,
it will turn you into musical geniuses.
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415. - What is this?
- It's the tears of Mozart.
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416. Mixed with the urine of Mark Knopfler.
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417. - How long does it last?
- Three hours. Quick, run.
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418. Play like you've never played before.
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419. You are truly wise, Naboo.
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420. Do you think with magic potion
they will get record deal?
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421. - I doubt it, that was just Lucozade.
- Oh.
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422. Come on, mind your feet. Mind your feet.
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423. Thank you.
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424. - No, it couldn't be.
- I think it was.
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425. What did I tell you before, huh?
What goes around comes around.
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